Lumatorium picks out the best of bad art, so you don't have to.

In the wake of the discontinuation of my two favourite soaps Sunset Beach and Sandalfon I'm always looking for some new marvellous trainwreck to plug the aching howling void gap.

So it is with joy I bring you Astro-Drama (aka The Sagittarian Man Blues sung by their unhappy partners). [I probably should have just pointed them in the direction of reviewaguy.com]

A lively thread, best enjoyed with popcorn.
Extra points if you can spot my contributions.
Some gold stars if you add your own.

(excerpt from Dlisted, copyright belongs to the inimitable but very copy&pasteable Michael K)

"A spokeswhore for Tom Cruise said that pictures of Suri Cruise will be released to the media very shortly. It's been nearly 4 months and there's still no sighting of the Cruise offspring. Several have claimed they have seen her and tell us she's "the most beautiful baby in the universe" and shit. But we still haven't seen her for ourselves. There have been rumors that Tom hasn't taken her out, because he's afraid of kidnapping threats.

His spokeswhore dispels all those rumors. He said: "He hasn't been reluctant," spokesman Arnold Robinson tells the Scoop. "They will be making a decision to release the photographs [of Suri] shortly." Will the pics be released to a single or few media outlets, or will it be a general release? "That's part of the decision they'll be making shortly,"

There's not going to be any pictures! Just instructions. Here are the instructions on how to see Suri Cruise:

1) Go into your bathroom with a drunk friend
2) Turn off all the lights, but leave the door slightly open
3) Laugh hysterically
4) Seat your friend on the toilet or bath tub
5) Turn off the faucet
6) Splash water on the mirror while you both chant "Suri Cruise, Suri Cruise, Suri Cruise"

This is when she will finally show herself to you."

This is the sole entry currently sitting on Sandalfon's (Juanita) journal for August. This required some research into who Omicronayin was, turns out - it's none other than VITKI.

"Omicronayin wrote:

I bought the movie, American Beauty, the other day because Juanita (the woman I live with) hadn't seen it before, and I really wanted her to see it. We just watched it, now she's watching it again because she liked it so much. Although it's sometimes difficult for her and creates tension between us, she's more or less learned to accept the fact that I'm "slightly gay" and that the love between us is what's really important. I can't imagine living with anyone else."


OMFG! Sandalfon's shacked up with Vitki!!

Was Vitki's girth not "oh boy" ENOUGH for Mediyogi?
Did Sandalfon finally lose the weight that was Vitki's requirement for a relationship?
And in what sense is Vitki only "slightly gay"?
As in he's too fugly to be 'fully' gay?

But perhaps most importantly...

Did Vitki/special-ed-Fred ever get round to cleaning his much-neglected fish tank?

The ordinarily prolific Sandalfon only has this single entry sitting on her blog. Does this mean she's happy and finally settling down to a life of only semi-weirdness - or have they simply changed her medication? Or has Vitki been spending all her money so that her internet connection has been cut off?

Recent additions to Vitki/Omicronayin's journal include comments that I think we can all agree with: "Just say NO! to groupies" (roflmaopimp....Vitki wouldn't say no to Fried Chicken if it had an appropriately-sized hole) and "I no longer date psychotic lesbians". I would call him misogynistic but he'd have to look it up in a dictionary. And he can't afford one of those.

I'm going to meet these people one day. I just know it. Our fates are crossed.

If you're wondering who Vitki/Omicronayin is (as well you might), the good people at encyclopediadramatica have found the time to put together a damn fine summary.
Find it here:
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Vitki

and this is Sandalfon:
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Sandalfon

The World, as seen by Dubai

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2682/1154/1600/the_world_dubai.jpg


Man, I hope aliens NEVER find our planet. This would be so embarrassing. This is like when a teenage girl draws a picture of a heart or a star on her arm. They'd think we were such a bunch of losers. That's all I have to say, my species has pissed me off enough today.

Some bright spark on Youtube has paired a recording of Paris Hiltons new song "turn it up" with a peformance made by (the late) Britney Spears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXf6rkcMJ8c&search=turn%20it%20up%20hilton

The whole thing fits together terrifyingly well. If it's true as many say, that Britney, THE Britney, is never coming back - it suddenly dawns on me just how similar this Paris Hilton track is to a Britney track (in a passionless, clichéd kind of way of course). Is she being groomed as Britney's replacement? Has the world not suffered enough already? If she is then someone please tell me, because I don't want to live in that world. A world where I have to take contracts out on people I've never even met. It's just not healthy for me.

Dear manager/ess of the Open Air Cinema,

It was with great eagerness that I scoured your scheduled movies programming for July. Try to imagine for a moment my disappointment when I found that you have scheduled not a single showing for this coming Summer's blockbuster-to-be movie "Snakes on a Plane".
This is an outrage.

The movie "Snakes on a Plane" (directed by David Richard Ellis, famed assistant director of the 1993 Madonna epic "Body of Evidence) is about snakes, on a plane. Snakes? On a plane? Awesome! It stars the incredibly versatile Mr Samuel L. Jackson, whom I found simply amazing in "The Green Mile" and of course the cult classic "Reservoir Dogs". I actually had the pleasure of catching Jackson on a rerun of "The Actor's Studio" the other night; people tend to forget just how much hard work and dedication these actors put into their craft and I was looking forward to experiencing more of Jackson extensive talent this summer. But alas - no! You had other ideas!

Therefore it is with great regret that I shall be staging a week-long boycott of your cinema, starting July 21st and ending on July 28th (I know that you are closed on July 28th and so my boycott for that evening will be merely a symbolic one).
I am sorry that it had to come to this, but I know that there are others who will stand by me.

respectfully,
Nance Cooper

Met a guy?
Did he piss you off?
Wanna give an opinion?


Talk about your bad boyfriend on review a guy


Don't get mad - be heard. It's also anonymous.
http://www.reviewaguy.com/

Some personals ads from the Onion that just have to be immortalised....

Firstly, "Jawad" from Pakistan, who hasn't quite understood the concept behind posting a photo of yourself next to your entry. He's just put a bunch of photos of celebrities that he kinda likes, such as Angelina Jolie and Aaron Carter. His pitch reads as follows:

" Why You Should Get to Know Me

i am jawad.i read in collage. i am playing cricket.i like mango.i like poetry. i like driveing fastley. i like most makes friends.and some some......?"

'collage'? Nothing like those ransom notes to practise your reading skills with.

" More About What I Am Looking For

ooo dears i like jast makes friend and some kind of whoes u know very will.... humm i like girl between 19to20 years old and i kiss his lipes very niceely...haha ...jawad"

"his" lips? I think you're on the wrong site, mate.



And then there's Arfan, with his pocket English/Punjabi dictionary. He comes across as direct, to say the least. And for Heaven's sake, turn the caps lock key OFF! Just turn it off! You can do it!

"
# The last great book I read
LOVE OF SOUL

# My most humbling moment
SLEEPING

# Favorite on-screen sex scene
ORAL (That wasn't the question Arfan!)

# The celebrity I resemble the most
NO COMMENTS

# The best or worst lie I've ever told
I AM ENJOYING (Now I WOULD like more information please..)

# If I could be anywhere right now
NO COMMENTS

# Five items I can't live without
SEX
FRUIT
MONEY
DRESSES (Dresses?)
APPRECIATION (What? For your mastery of the English language?)

Fill in the blank: _____ is sexy; _____ is sexier.

THIGH is sexy; BOOBS is sexier!" (No Arfan! subtlety is sexier)



And then there's Raja, who informs us (evidently the whole of Pakistan is stuck in Caps lock hell) that:

"PEOPLE WHO CAN TOLERATE AND TAKE A BREAK BEFORE DECISION WILL TOUCH HEIGHTS"

I'm confused.
He continues.

"Why You Should Get to Know Me
HII...THIS IS RAJA IBRAHIM....a free going soul...loves to take life easy.....DEATH IS LIMIT"

Hmm, "DEATH IS LIMIT". Always what you want to hear from a muslim.


"Amazing_Shan" (who boasts a truly "amazing" picture)informs us that:

"Favorite on-screen sex scene: Froggy Style"

Right. I don't think that Pakistan has quite understood this question.



And then there's sensitive "Nagumaan" who's looking for a girl with a big heart and an even bigger truck to smuggle him out of his country.

" Why You Should Get to Know Me
my name is mazhar mohsin and i am from turbat mekran balochistan pakistan and i want to leave my country because i dont like my country.

More About What I Am Looking For
A girl who is helpful for me.She will make friendship with me.I hate my native country and she get me out of my country."


Anyway... Check out the Onion.com personals if you like a cheap laugh like I do.

I am far from being ageist - being 25 years old myself I consider myself to be amongst the race of elders on the internet. But how much lycra+flesh IS actually inappropriate for a 47 year old woman? Combined with the Eric Prydz ("Call on me" video) style close-ups? I am, of course, delighted that Madonna feels comfortable with her body but as she bends over, legs apart, in the opening scene of her video, I almost expect to hear the snap of latex gloves and see a gynaecologist appear from off-camera.

Not pleasant when you're trying to enjoy your dinner, I can assure you.

When I add to this image the remembrance that Madonna is a mere 7 years younger than my own pearl-and-twinset mother I begin to look for clues that the video may actually be a huge wind-up. Could the use of irony be the newest step in Madonna's British-isation? Has she reinvented herself as a comedy-sketch artist? Is Irony the new black?

The dancers were a little too 'hip', the song a bit too mindless, Madonna's dancing too exaggerated. Was it a wind-up?

In fact I suddenly feel as if I'm standing at the edge of a huge waterfall. I can't see it, I can only hear the thunderous crash of the water below. Was it all a wind-up? Was Madonna's entire career a wind-up that people took seriously?

If I'm right this would make Madonna a greater comedy con artist than Andy Kaufmann. But think about it for a moment. Has Madonna ever produced a video clip that was not a gross over-generalisation of the trends of the epoch? Is not everything in her clips a stereotypical portrait of some social/racial/fashion movement of the time?

As I consult my mental archive of her work, this theory accumulates weight. Off the top of my head:

"Express yourself"=pointy bra and use of hot Lesbian-favourite Tamara De Lempicka to promote women's rights
"Vogue"=über gay depiction of (gay) clubbing underworld with pretty men toying with each other and a masculinised Madonna in man's suit and short hair
"Erotica"=dark and dingy depiction of fetishism
"Secret"=dirty view of Harlem with a pierced Madonna getting it on with a black guy and lots of mixed-race street kids running about as if school's out
"Frozen"=Madonna plays Wiccan High Priestess complete with mystically hennaed hands, symbolic black dogs, before floating up into the air and magically disappearing beneath a black veil
"The power of goodbye"=Madonna toying with intense, brooding Eastern European fellow, playing chess - cos like, all the Eastern Europeans do is play chess well and give intense, brooding looks at women they fancy

Stereotypes, all of them.

No wonder she invites Ali G to star in the 'Music' clip. He does what she's been doing for 20 years. In fact, if her entire career is indeed a wind-up than has Ali G himself been "Punk'd" by appearing in it?

But regarding the latest video clip, I'm not asking Madonna to don the pearls-and-twinset number that my mother favours. Although she did a pretty good job of it when promoting her recent children's books. The fact remains that even Jane Fonda had the dignity to hang up her spandex leotard when the time came.

And the spandex leotard is, in my opinion, what Madonna should've "Hung up" long ago. If Madonna is the comedic genius that my conspiracy theory suggests, then maybe the irony resides there, in the very title of her new song.

OK, this is Madonna, so it's WIDESPREAD already.

Even though Channel4 had their video exclusive this friday gone, everyone has heard, or heard about, 'Hung UP'; the newest track in where she has sampled ABBA's 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' to produce a dancy, electro hit. The only reason this subject is in here is because the idea of it. Madonna mixed with ABBA.
Could you imagine this happening with 80s or 90s Madonna? I couldn't.

However, I do like this track. It's quite reminiscent of the 'Ray of Light' album with the simplicity of some of her 80s tracks. I found out as I entered my local gay establishment that I'm not alone. Any wonder, you might add. It makes sense: the largest gay icon ever fused with the gayest cheesy Swedish band ever. They have both been ultra successful and broken boundaries within their cultures. I think it was just me, that when I heard ABBA was going to be sampled for Madge and I heard it was the skippy, flutey intro of Gimme Gimme Gimme, I had recollections of really bad, cheap retro nights in a London club. If anything, 'Hung Up', has lessened my detesting of those times.

Speaking of Madonna, the real headline entry of Bad Art should be mentioned. Her hair. OK, OK, I get it - the 70s, disco, frilly fashion, over-brushed hair. But come on! Farrah Fawcett or Agnetha of ABBA wouldn't go back there, 'cause they've learned form their mistakes. I think some people can pull it off, but please don't let Madonna be one of them. It's kinda all flat on top and 'flicked' or 'feathered' out to the sides. It's just not right. It doesn't go right for her, even if she's trying to pull it off as elegant. No long waves whatsoever is advisable for her; go back to a nymphy black crop or something. She just looks like she's in her late 40s and has a couple of kids. Oh.

Fanfic.
Seems like such an innocent word. It stands for "Fan Fiction", stories written by people about their favourite TV programs, films or celebrities. That sounds nice doesn't it? Art inspiring art. Well I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but it's actually a cover for porn.
"Porn on the internet? Surely not..."

In fanfic (Porn4women as it should rightly be renamed), the author writes a story involving their favourite celebrity-and-object-of-their-affections wandering into a variety of compromising situations involving some young lovely who typically seduces them in deja-vu situations.
There is an appalling lack of original thought amongst these fantasies, which only glorifies its bad art status.

Rediscover cult classic scenarios such as the rehashed plot to 'Pretty Woman'. With the alternative negative ending that we all wanted to see at the end of the real film - where the prostitute gets dumped in favour of a proper girlfriend, who like, doesn't have sex with people for money.

A fair enough request from any boyfriend in this day and age.

Relive the classic film noir stereotypes of favourite celebrity-and-object-of-the-authors-affections walking into an office late at night and finding this ravishing young vamp (the author) with whom the favourite celebrity-and-object-of-the-authors-affections falls desperately in love with.

The reader's immediate reaction to this is "in your dreams". Which is exactly where these fantasies should really stay.
But because of, or thanks to, the internet, the cringe-worthy ramblings of 15 year-old Tom Welling enthusiasts are made public. This situation, considering the potential embarrassment for the parties concerned once word gets out in their home towns, is pretty funny.
But at 15 years old, they could be forgiven for their silliness, it's normal, they're at a stupid age.

Where it gets downright hilarious and a tad disturbing is when the authors in question are older. They might even have jobs and stuff, maybe even children of their own..*horror*.
And yet they come home every night, sit down and write twenty pages on things they'd like to do to Dr Dan Jackson from Stargate. The reader then gets to enjoy the rare feeling of being simultaneously amused and scared. And when you think about it, very few stories can claim to produce both emotions, and certainly not at the same time. This humble bad art suddenly becomes groundbreaking.

And what does it take to become a fanfic writer? Very little.
A smattering of bunny-boiling tendencies, a basic grasp of HTML (optional), some writing ability (optional) and a high embarrassment threshold, maybe a poster of their idol on the wall to gaze at if their conscious mind tries to drag back into reality.

These people could be your neighbours, your colleagues, even your daughters... I say daughters because fanfic is for the most part written by females.
You see when men fantasise about some famous actress or singer they go for visuals.
Pictures, everytime.

It's men who take the naked body of some XXX good-time-girl and awkwardly stick a picture of Jessica Simpson's head on it. A simple 5 minute job = guaranteed laugh from colleagues and being 'the man' for the day at work. The benefits are social as much as sexual and the job is very much a quick-fix.

Fanfic, however, is a much more time-consuming activity. You've got to enjoy the process. Contemplate sitting down and writing 20 pages of smut about your favourite actor. TWENTY PAGES. That's a lot of smut. It adds an entertainingly sinister twist not present in mere photo collages.

My one note of respect towards Fanfic writers is that, on the whole, their spelling is pretty good. Which, considering it's on the internet, just makes them seem all the more eccentric really.

And the result?

Well it's something of a starter kit for the bad art lover. It's got a bit of everything, self-parody, cliché, gratuitous sex scenes, shallow characterisation (blatantly done in order to bolster the author's self image - my favourite type), potential public humiliation of the author.

So the verdict is: pretty entertaining all round. Not from the point of view of the writer though. They're in a cuckoolicious world of their own weirdness. The bunny has been boiled, served up, eaten and digested by now. And has remerged as fanfic. But when has that type of thing not been a source of boundless joy to Lumatorium readers?



To find good examples of bad fanfic you no longer need to enter potentially incriminating words into a search engine - because someone has rounded up the worst for you already!

Discover: http://www.godawful.net


Happy 30th Entry Lumatorium!

Remember the late eighties sensation that was the New Kids On The Block ? or NKOTB for the initiates. Yes, I'd be willing to bet that most people remember them. Ok...now what about little Joey Mcintyre, anyone remember him? Ah, I can see a significant proportion of hands come down. Well don't worry, you're not out of touch, he hasn't just won a Nobel Prize. And nor is he ever likely to, judging by his website.


Because, YES! There's a website!


http://www.joeymcintyre.com/

So what is the former 'youngest member of the New Kids on The Block' doing with his life now? Well he's still singing, dancing and guess what? Acting. How original. In between his hectic schedule of dumping record companies ('who don't promote his work enough'), performing in stage theatres ("for the fans") he still finds time to update the pretentious megalomaniacal piece of crap that is his website.

Amusingly the entire site, including the several page long biography makes no mention at all of his time with the phenomenally successful boy band New Kids on The Block, easily the highlight of his career and the strength on which he still gets offered recording contracts and parts in off-off-off broadway shows. Maybe he's just being humble. Then again, maybe he's just full of himself and considers his work with the band an unmentionable smudge on his talent.

I found one example of something that might possibly be linked to the New Kids on the Block. One page from the website that was down for maintenance was labeled "This page is closed temporarily. Hang tough". I'm no New Kids on The Block veteran but I sense in this perhaps a veiled reference to the new Kids on The Block debut hit "hangin' tough". But you'll grant me that it's subtle and he's obviously not flying the flag for his band anymore.


The best thing about this site, aside from the hysterically kitsch picture of him singing (on every page), AND the cringingly badly written text (on every page) obviously written by him since no-one with an ounce of sense could think up such drivel, is the voice recordings. Hear little Joey relentlessly try to sound 'cool' with the tired vocabulary of a 1960's crooner. We now, 15 years later, finally know why he was always promoted as this little kid ('little joey') who had somehow 'gotten lucky' and fallen in with the band. Because he's an idiot. And he wasn't that young when he was in the band. Macaulay Culkin was much younger and he never sounded like an idiot in his interviews. But we at Lumatorium are most thankful, not for Joey's stupidity (which believe me is no laughing matter) but for the fact that someone (presumably his agent) has allowed him to pen the content of his website, no doubt because he was 'so eager to do it, aww bless him'. What his agent has done is frankly criminal. However it earns Joey Macintyre and his website a proud place amongst Lumatorium's finest. He walks among giants now.


Some of the drivel (note: these are direct quotes, and as such the spelling mistakes have remained intact, like the gems that they are):


"Action! as in what the director says when its time to act. Get it?"

No. Please explain again.



"This of course is the real deal. Unless of course someone high-jacked my web site and manipulated my voice to say things that are not true. This of course would be very uncool and would trigger a massive world wide man (or woman) hunt, resulting in the capture of this pathetic young (or old) person. However, no one in his (or her) right mind would do such a thing. I mean who would even THINK of something like that?"


Well you wouldn't for a start (or beginning).




As for the voice recordings, I urgently recommend that you discover them for yourself. I could not do them justice.

Find them on the inventively titled page: "Horses mouth"

http://www.joeymcintyre.com/general/default.asp?section=81&gpage=home


Horse's shit, more like.

Sudoku.

A obsessive compulsive's way of relaxing?

Hey, I'm not mocking it. I know many people who like it. I recently saw Rainsinger with her nose and a pen obscured by a sudoku cover. Every major newspaper has their swing on it today. I've seen 'SUNdoku', 'supasudoku', 'samurai sudoku' and one that made me titter was 'shitedoku' where you have to place the very letters in it's title into the 9x9 boxes, columns and rows.

Carol Vorderman has a book on how to solve them (she was a 'mathematician' before a detox expert, honest). The totally respectable Teach Yourself series (I bow before thee), has a how-to on it. Everytime I walk into Border's, there's a colourful pick 'n' mix sudoku section just tempting me, on a colossal centre pillar for all to see. No other puzzle book boasts itself in this manner. It draws you in with it's trendy, yet authentic japanese name, and its 'look at me, I'm so simple and fun, you could take me in a fight, anyday' exterior.

OK, OK, I do like them.
It's not that I think they're especially difficult, I just question myself half-way through doing a medium or hard level puzzle. I do an easy one and think 'ha, not bothering with that level again', and skip thought to the middle of the book. I move on to a more difficult one. My current booklet ('cause they're always small), has clocks beside each puzzle to show you its difficulty. The clocks however, are really quite literal. It's not the strain on brain power that gets me, like it would in chess, its the minutes and minutes you spend checking every line, column and square when you get stumped.

I guess I am a novice, having only done my first sudoku about a month ago. And no, I don't have a polaroid of me holding up the completed page next to my face smiling - that would be silly.

I know there are ways and methods to get the solutions quicker. I was 'studying' a sudoku today whilst a bath was running (mine), and was stumped. Then I remembered a strategy I saw whilst flicking through 'Teach Yourself Sudoku' just last week. "X-wing? Yes X-wing! Like a sci-fi spaceship!" "How was that? So you have a rectangle of empty squares and then, erm, the same number has to fill two of these spaces, erm and if there's no more 2's in this column, I.." WHAT? This is when I stop and think of real existence again. Why do I care about putting every number in this grid? Why have I spent a good half hour scribbling on this page just to have it filled in - for nothing!!! See how this cruel puzzle grips you? I don't want to be obsessive or compulsive, but this grid is forcing me to check every black line and white space again and again and again.

Cast your mind back about ten years (if you can).

Remember Björk frolicking about on the back of some trailer, being sensual?
One or few hit wonders like Corona, Haddaway and Bizarre Inc. continuously being played on the radio.
And one of my favourites - livin' joy's 'Dreamer' (still got the album with the 2nd, lesser version).
Come and look at these rankings and slip back in time like I did.

Well I realise that I have neglected Lumatorium a little recently, but in my defense I have been rebelling against the vile mediocrity and cynicism that proliferate on the internet by creating a site that is pure of heart.

Yes you heard me correctly. It is a site that does good.

It shows you how to TEACH.

Maybe I am becoming sentimental in my old age, or maybe I have been adversely affected by the tragic events in the latest Harry Potter installment (pure horror I tell you), but I have created a web site that is designed to help parents, siblings, tutors etc.. give educational support to children and teenagers.

So if you know someone who might benefit from this site, find it useful or interesting, I recommend that you send them a link to this fun, fast and free site :

http://www.teachityourself.com

It's also listed on Google under "teach it yourself".

The most unbelievable thing has happened.
Someone else has spotted Vitki and has opened up both a webpage and a community in his honour.

Comrades,the movement is growing. We are considering holding a Vitki conference in Seattle, Washington (home of the Vitki) at the end of June. I'll be available to take advance bookings as of next week. I'm considering making the conference free for the under-fives, please e-mail to tell me whether you think this is a good idea.

But wait, there's more. The people behind this new Vitki fest are no friends of his.
they posted an illuminating introduction to the man here:

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Vitki
(beware this page contains one piece of indecent material)

It is also fascinating to discover that in certain circles Vitki is referred to as 'Shitki' or 'Special Ed Fred'.

This appears to have irked Vitki somewhat as demonstrated by the following conversation in which he threatens legal action from a dubious standpoint...

http://www.livejournal.com/community/game_of_death/1986.html?thread=175810#t175810


In fact the entire entry is an absolute lynching of Vitki by the two creators of game_of_death.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/game_of_death/1986.html

The final Cri De Guerre came in the form of this very community which the creators eventually admit is designed to push Vitki over the edge and urge him to top himself.

"I am neither in a state where I want him to kill himself or not. But I do believe that many people would be better off without his presence"

OUCH.

There are many more pages provided by the entertaining creator in which she pastiches songs, rewriting Flashdance's 'Maniac' on a theme of Vitki. She even goes to the effort of pasting Vitki's face onto that of Jennifer Beals from the movie's poster. She has done a thorough investigation into Vitki's work and habits. Her community rounds up all the classic Vitki titbits and quotes and she throws in a few insights of her own. There's just too much good stuff for me to list here and we are truly indebted to her.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/game_of_death/

I also really must extend my admiration towards Rainsinger for her oracular feat of anticipating this trend. The Vitki/Mediyogi/Sandalfon thing is a real golden goose. Everytime we think it's winding down and time to find something new - the whole thing just goes up a gear in weirdness. Simply brilliant.

Oh, I am so totally hooked onto sandalfon that her continuing saga is better than television.

Juanita handily summaries things people have been talking about here and Fred chimes in with actual thoughts that seem strung in the right order and do not appear to be cut and pasted from anywhere.

For more of Juanita's hysterical smear campaign against any women [yeah, funny pattern that involving no projections whatsoever i'm sure] Fred appears to have been involved, check out these priceless writings:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/sandalfon/88542.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/sandalfon/88252.html

Probably one of the most hilarious aspects of this for me [and let's face it, there are so many to choose from] is that psychologically speaking all the things she is saying are completely contrary to what she seems to want to accomplish [drive Fred and Carolanne apart].
And the prose is worth a Booker nomination for the amusement value alone:

"Why is it that even Fred, would purposely attack and hurt the abused victim through blind-sight rather than compromise his love nest relationship??"
it's marvellous. :)
all the trainwreck-value of Elizabeth Wurtzel but a ton more entertainment.

Disappointingly, Sandalfon seems to have been winding down on the weirdness lately (too busy reuniting with her grandson whom she had sent to a juvenile detention centre no doubt). But as they say, 'when the student is ready, the teacher will appear", and as I cruise through the livejournals of her mates I begin to think that maybe Sandalfon has simply been preparing us for someone else.

Vitki.

Those of you who have been following the Sandalfon Daily Soap Opera will of course know exactly who Vitki is. Also known as Fred he is the man at the centre of the famed Sandalfon/Mediyogi/Vitki love triangle.
The New Age, pseudo-intellectual, sexist twit with a fixation with the occult and the misconceived far-reaches of his own intelligence. As far as I can tell, the only side to him that is not extremely limited is his pretentiousness.

Vitki has a lot to say this week on penis size, how, in his opinion, the Inquisition exterminated all the men with large penises and how (perhaps as a result of this?)the average male penis size is in fact less than what the 'accepted' statistics show. He obviously has some reason for undertaking all this research, but chooses not to tell us.
Thankfully, though, Mediyogi is on hand to reassure his ego, "Your length is perfect, and your Girth is....oh boy.:)"

Pass the sick bucket.

Amusingly, he also seems to be suffering from 'Javascriptitus' (a compulsive overuse of Javascript)possibly due to the adoration he gets for it from the two females in the love triangle, "oh, you're so good at this!", "so smart!". Even more lines which would make the average Porn film director blush with embarrassment.

But I reckon that, this week, he deserves a place alone in the spotlight.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/vitki/

Don't forget to check the comments sections for more phallocentric quotes from his adoring groupies.

I think I've found my cult! check out the excellent article by Jon Carrol

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/04/08/DDG27BCFLG1.DTL

I think it's the first time I've found truly fantastic art, my only qualm is that I didn't think of it first. I love it.

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Spikey Mace of Courteous Debate.

Get yours.

Hear me roar!

To be specific, she reckons that "life in her (appartment) complex" is so strange that it would make for entertaining viewing. I'd say try looking even closer to home.

But for more information on what Sandalfon herself considers to be bizarre, try this :

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sandalfon/69238.html

I understand she is currently looking for budding authors to take up her story.

Please form an orderly queue.