To help deal with the pain of being left behind's Journal

ok8 @ 4:08pm: loved you and love you
you lie there, awake: something needs to come up. what is it? when will it leave? shit or vomit this time?; hard morning; the third.

i cannot protect myself from this anniversary. this date-making, marking, commemorating. this first year, first year of many years, of all the years to come--my life--beyond the scope of my life--the years still coming, going, one after another, passing, piling up, the years since your death on the street by firearm at close range (so close! blocks from your house, blocks from my house--feet, only feet!--the gun's barrel from your chest).

how close am i now? to understanding? to ever, ever getting it? to your mother? to z.? m., d., s.?

how close we were brought. we've had to draw together; to pull away, to heal. each in her own way. move on in our own ways. gross amounts of time spent with significant others. travels cross-country; abroad. sex and love interests. work-working.

spots of blood on a tissue on your navy bedsheets; me beside it. my bed, your sheets. my blood, your blood. spilled.

i don't want to think about it.

sometimes i am immobilized thinking about it, but usually it gets me moving. i rock, shake, throw myself. cry heavily and full body (this, while alone).

when i cry at work, on the bus, on the sidewalk, i try to be more discreet. quieter. i never hide my tears, though. i wear my grief sometimes proudly as a testament to you. as i wear your neckties, your t-shirts, my tattoo, i sometimes wear my sad, sad face that says i loved you.

loved you and love you. loved you and love you.

ladygoddess @ 2:21am: I can't understand it
My landlord and family friend killed himself today.

Dad and I can't sleep, we're messes. More than that, I can't understand how he could take his life when he's got an 18 year old son. The cops wouldn't let his family and friends get close to the house he had locked himself into. While they were outside arguring with the cops, he took the gun and took his life.

I was told at work and ran through the store crying as I flew back to my house. In that half hour lunch period, I stood just feet from the last door he ever went into and heard his best friend screaming at everyone to just stay out while he cleaned up by himself. He wouldn't even let his own daddy in there or my landlord's wife.

My dad went pale and I could see the whites all around his eyes as he sunk back in his chair when I told him. He went to bed and lay there, eyes wide, starring into the dark and told me when I checked on him, that he "just doesn't understand it." They were good friends.

I don't even know where to begin in processing this.

avatarposter @ 9:13pm: Lifespiration - Suicide Awareness and Prevention

It's been such a long time since I've posted anything on live journal. I've been wanting to make an 'anti-suicide' video for a while now, and I finally got to make it. It's called 'lifespiration' the name was taken from a group of videos by the name of 'thinspirational' videos. (that inspired girls to get really thin.) Even though I am not a fan of those videos, since they lead to anorexia, and that's a mental disease that will eventually and evidently kill you, if it is not treated. i hope that whomever watches this video is inspired to go on living, even when it's easier letting go.

If you have any of your own Suicide Awareness videos, please, be sure and post them, or link them to this live journal. :]

Name: Lifespiration
Covers: Suicide Awareness, Suicide prevention
Band: Three Days Grace
Song: Never Too Late

You can also comment and or watch at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1PZNVzXDQ4

Instead of live journal.




And if there’s something wrong, who would have guessed it… 

lauren_loux @ 1:19am:

On 1st June the boy I'm seeing was in a car accident which killed 3 of his best friends and the driver of the car, he was the only one to survive. The car was going at such a speed that the tree it hit split the car vertically in half, My boy's best friend of 6 years was seated in the middle. We've been told the scene was so horrific that the crews had to be given time off and councelling. It was a mess.
 Although I am so unbelievebly grateful and relieved he lived I just can't get my head around any of it. So many lives and hearts have been shattered, including his.
Just finding it very hard to make sense of it. It's so hard. I miss them, and I miss him. Because he's encased in his greif and long list of injuries, and I don't know how to help him... how could I possibley help? 
I just need someone to talk to. 
I just need advice from people who are in the same situation, who I can relate to.
Thank you x

flaviusarrianus @ 5:09am:  I lost my Dad on June 3rd.

I know that its not my fault, but I am still having a hard time dealing with everything- its been two months- and it still feels like....I could go visit him at the hospital, eat pizza- and make jokes again, you know?

His body finally gave up- after almost two years of fighting heart related problems. 

I had moved out to California last summer, after my family and I had suddenly arrived on non-speaking terms, I moved out there, and didn't really have much contact with my family until I got the call in April saying that the doctors had given him like, hours to live. 

My friend Javier ended up flying me home, and I spent the next two months basically at the hospital helping my Mom take care of my Dad. (It wasn't that the nurses weren't doing a good job, it was that he was lonely all the time, and was afraid to fall asleep unless someone was there with him)

He ended up dying when I was in the room with him, and I had been sleeping when he passed- but the infections that had taken over his whole body just ate him up. He got to the point where he was retaining fluid because his internal organs were failing, and he was also losing clarity. It was really, strange, I guess- watching him deteriorate. One minute he would be lucid, the next he would be asking me to go get his mom, and finish making macaroni salad.

They told my Mom he died in his sleep, which I think he did, but I know that he died becuase he just couldn't breathe anymore, and I guess it makes things even worse.

I was there with him, maybe if I had asked the nurses to help me get him to a sitting position, or something- maybe we could have had everyone there so that when he died we were with him.

I just miss him. I feel guilty because I was there...but there was nothing I could have done!

I don't know, sorry for kind of venting here.

arculley @ 8:07pm: When You Came Home
This one's for you little bro.


When you came home
it wasn't on your own two feet.
It was laying down,
like that night, in the street.
You were cold and gray and frozen in time,
it was a horror to see you
for the people in that line.
And it was a pity that I said goodbye
to a empty stare and closed eyes.
And it's a shame, that your baby
will grow up all alone,
and it sucks that you made me
be the one to condone.
I wish you were back here,
but I can't have my hopes.
So I'll carry you near,
in my heart, I can cope.
And when I need you,
I'll call out your name,
and if you hear me,
Please do the same.

pookems @ 8:11pm: New here...
Hello everyone, I saw people were posting their poetry here so I thought I would too. My poem tells my story...


Reality Hurts
By Ashley Marie Seymour
September, 2006.


In one month from tomorrow,
It’ll be two years,
Since your story ended,
And I cried all those tears.

The word they used was suicide,
That’s what the experts say,
I just know my life,
Was forever changed that day.

Shattered worlds,
words left unsaid,
Temporary insanity,
Something snapped inside your head.

What was going through your mind,
The day you made that call?
What about your children,
Did you think of them at all?

In my eyes,my mom so strong,
Never giving in,
Always fighting tooth and nail;
Never stopping till she’d win.

So to think the pain to great,
For my mother to withstand,
Surrendering to the devil,
Throwing up her hands.

The thought of her just letting go,
Still brings me to my knees,
I question if I have the strength,
To keep fighting, you see.

Sometimes a person,
Makes mistakes,
That permanently alter,
the course their life takes.

You can’t go back and mend them,
Try as you might,
You have to live with your decision,
Be it wrong or right.

We all have but one chance,
To make this life our own,
Some choices last forever,
Your name engraved on the headstone.

They say you shouldn’t dwell,
On that which you cannot change,
So though it’s hard I must go on,
My life I shall arrange.

I want to say just one more thing,
Then I’ll be on my way,
Thank you mom,
I love you,
In my heart,
You’ll always stay.

So I’ll dry the tears,
And hold my head Hi,
Because since you’re a part of me,
You’ll never really die.

arculley @ 1:17pm: Sometimes
Sometimes,
I write just to write.
I spite just to spite,
I love this life,
I hate this life.

Sometimes,
I write to heal,
I write to feel,
I love this life,
I hate this life.

Sometimes,
I write a poem,
I write to show 'em,
I love this life,
I hate this life.

Sometimes,
I write to love,
I write above,
I love this life,
I hate this life.

And sometimes,
I write to hate,
I write his fate,
I love this life,
I hate this life.

arculley @ 1:11pm: I'm gonna.
Slipping sliding suiciding
tripping falling too much trying.
WIshing wanting lots of crying,
fooling faking abundance of lying.
Too much to handle,
blow out a candle,
gonna last another year,
full of scandal.
I hate haters and
dump debaters,
life is too short,
for crying out loud.
I raise my eyes,
raise my brows,
stare so hard,
down a long nose.
Holding my head high,
is what I know
gonna try again
gonna dust myself dry.
Gonna start anew,
gonna cut through
gonna beat these blues,
you can walk in my shoes.
Cuz' they don't fit me
anymore.
A pair of new shoes,
is what I adore.
Gonna try them on,
and wear them out,
until the next wave
ends a drought.
Again, I know I'll be stuck
in muddy muck,
but I know the drill,
just like 'what the _?'

arculley @ 2:32pm: Senses
I hear
the sound of silent summer stars,
and think of you
louder than cries from rushing cars.
Fancy free fireworks flee,
chirping loudly like crickets.
Images of you clap like rolling thunder,
Big blue waves of emotion I wonder.
Cacophonic music memories,
play in my head,
breezes of thought blowing,
brushing like anger, eyes red.
Soft summer sounds prompting,
blinking brass dissonance in my ears;
As I slowly walk your grounds.

arculley @ 2:20pm: Blue
If I were blue
I would tell you.
Barely bright,
and almost see through.
Turquoise and teal,
navy and royal,
sadness and suffering,
moldy and spoiled.
The color of a bracelet,
marks me as a patient.
If I were blue,
I would tell you.

arculley @ 3:17pm: Daughter
I saw it like a reverse holocaust,
You wanted to die,
and I would have saved you at any cost.
I'd do anything to have you back in living color
because you don't know this
but I hate not having my brother.
The repercussions of not having you here
are the unspeakable sentiments between my ears.
And every time I see your ashes and clips of hair,
I think of your lusterless stare in that box up there.

I see your daughter and wish you had too,
She has your eyes and smile and I know she misses you.
Here I sit in this twisted enigma;
Knowing you never met your father like I did twice,
now to your daughter I will give the same advice,
that I gave you when times were tough,
when you wanted to know the man who made your life rough.
I will tell her that it's for the better that her dad's not there,
that he had problems and couldn't stay clear,
from the torment of the hand that he was dealt,
I'll tell her to lean on me, and THAT I'M STILL HERE.

arculley @ 2:40pm: Your Stare/ Driving
I finally slept well
nightly visions,
my nocturnal hell.
Clenching teeth,
the chattering tells,
white hot fists
ears ringing like bells.

I smell your air,
rushing up the stairs
I look for you,
and no-ones there.
I strain my eyes,
I see nothing,
but imagine your stare.

_______________________________________________


Driving listening shaking
crying pretending unnerving
looking waiting hiding
turning sniffling breaking.

Imagining smiling weeping
glaring hoping wanting
thinking smoking stopping
turning wishing parking.

These are the things I do 'cause of you
even when I try and cruise for a few
to get away from this pain.
Your soul seems to trace my tepid footsteps
haunting my mind with memories and missteps.
I ride alone in a car and listen
I hear the songs you must have sung,
I think of you and your blue eyes last glisten.

arculley @ 1:01pm: Could Have
Little brother its not so easy
But there are things here on this earth
That make me accept the things you did to me.

You did them to yourself but I see the upshot
I see the reasons why it could be much worse
I'm still on earth, and you're in a plot.

You could have been in pain
You could have disappeared again
You could have been sober thought with your brain.

It could have been much worse
You could still feel your curse
You could be sittin' in prison

You could have wanted to live
You could have been afraid to die
It could have been an accident
Or a cover up or lie.

It hurts me so much
but not you
anymore

Rest in peace brother
furthermore,

Think of me
watch over family
and be free.

Be free little brother
and sing so peacefully,
Up in the heavens,

arculley @ 3:52pm: To the three I love (d).
They say
You live by the sword
die by the sword
A fake handgun,
die by a real one
A badge and a gun
turns a man into gOD
running from him
now I sing my sad song.
The difference between
left and right and wrong
is the fine line in the middle.
I ache and scream
Life between
Heaven and Hell
Is where my solace is.
Somewhere stacked
inside my mind
the visions of your last wishes.
A dying scream:
LET ME BE,
I want to go
I want to be free.
I miss you dearly
my darling sibling
wishing wasting
moving on. 
Its impossible except
for what I have,
please intercept
my pain and greif
a cold belief.
__________________________________________

To the one I love most:
It's ok with you by my side
here on earth to whom I confide.
You are my lady and my best friend
all that I need until the end.
Nobody can compare or come close
you're my everything
that I ever wanted and wished for
and don't ever forget that,
you're why I want to live more.
And from here my past looks so bleak and dark
but here and now, you're my light and spark,
Everyone needs something
Like Noah had an Ark
you're my boat and to me,
what I call home.
And life's like the water
so deep and unknown.
Since I've met you
I've changed and I've grown,
I now have a future to look to
and I can smile everyday.
My past has not been easy,
and It's so hard to say,
I could never get through without you
to look for a better day.
Thank you for being there baby,
you're my sun-shining ray.
__________________________________________

To my mother
who is the only one who knows,
the pain I suffer like torturous blows.
Everyday is an ongoing quest
to wake each day and try your best.
Without the person who meant so much so you
one of the three, who battled through
the worst of times and never the best,
it was always just,
getting by and hanging on,
struggling fighting and working as one.
Barely barely clinging to just enough
tough times and hardships, we had it rough.
But unlike those ones who had so much
we all three loved each other no matter what.
When the road was rough we were like a tricycle
working as three in a hellish life cycle.
But now we're just two like a bicycle,
and the only way to keep moving is to never stop,
we can move on as the two when one has dropped.
We'll keep on peddling, and hold him in our hearts
and one day again we'll be three again and never apart.

punk1nh3d @ 1:46pm: Question
How long did you find it took to get to the point where you could function at work again?  Did going back to work help?

punk1nh3d @ 7:45pm: Did anybody else find today's writer's block "Who do you care most about in your life?" particularly heart-wrenching?

arculley @ 12:16pm: another day.
Today is just another day
Thirty one to be exact
I cant remember why its been so long
Groggy and tired and burnt out
Separating beliefs from fact
Seems like I have so much to say
since you've been gone
But the words can't seem to linger long
long enough to emote.
It seems like your soul has wrapped
its long tentacles around me
squeezing and pulling my body
in the directions it needs to be.
Your everlasting air,
the breeze of your last breath,
is what keeps me moving
and calm enough to rest.
I pray to your peace
and calm and stillness.
Wishing that you can see me
and that you really sit in my chest.
The deep domains of the part of my heart
that keeps memories and hopes and beliefs
the deep seas of my soul
Is where I hope you stay.
Forever, until I can be with you
once again, together as brothers.

punk1nh3d @ 9:36am: Photos
Here's a couple of photos of my husband and I.  I just think they're so cute. 

 
His birthday party 2 years ago.

Christmas 2 years ago.

punk1nh3d @ 11:24pm: My Fiance
I lost the love of my life on Saturday morning.  He had his second heart attack after a seizure in ten months.  I watched in the ER as they performed CPR on him for a full hour.  It's almost unrealy but it's sinking it.

He was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis last September, but he was suffering from it long before the disease had a name.  The shocking this is that he was only 24.  We were getting married in April.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm surprised that I can even breathe without him in the world.

I'm still thinking of changing my last name to be part of his family.  (Is that strange?)

I actually got some comfort this morning after I decided to watch one of his favorite movies "Rent" today and the opening song, "Seasons of Love"  made me cry so hard, but it made me realize that a life is truely measured in love.  His life was great.  He was the most loving person I've ever known.

arculley @ 6:54pm: miss my baby bro
I'm 26 and I just lost my little brother a month ago.  He was shot and killed by a police officer who thought my brother had a handgun.  Stupid thing is, my brother didn't own a gun.  I find it hard to not blame the officer who shot him from ten feet away with a hollow tip bullet.  But I understand the circumstances and have no ill will toward him.  My brother was only 23 and battled with ADHD and severe bipolar for his entire life.  He never met our dad, who left us when my brother was an infant, and is now in prison. Our whole life we battled with not having a father; it was just me and my bro, always.  Now he is gone too, and I just don't know what to do.  I feel like there is nobody on earth that feels what I'm feeling right now.  I feel so empty and alone.  What started out as a regular family of four has been shredded down to two and its agonizing.  My brother was one of the smartest kids I EVER met.  He became good at anything he ever tried, but could never focus enough on the positive things to keep himself going.  He moved out to San Diego two years ago because of problems at home.  He wanted to set off on his own and try the "real world" out for himself.  We talked alot, as much as possible, he never had enough money for a cell phone...  He worked several jobs and learned how to skateboard and surf.  I remember him telling me that he was delivering pizzas on his skateboard.  When I found out about some problems he was having financially and mentally, I offered to have him come back and stay with me.  He came home for a quick Christmas visit, which was awesome, and at the airport we talked about him coming back.  The last thing he said to me in person was "I gotta go back to Cali and take care of some shit.  Then I'll be back."  That was it.  I still feel like I'm waiting for his weekly phone call, or a message from him on Facebook.  In the depths of my mind I know that it will never happen again.  I just find it difficult to face those truths.  This one's for Alex.  Rest in Peace.

starlet3 @ 10:00pm: Brother was Killed
i'm 22. i recently lost my 24 year old brother. he was shot and killed. he left behind a 4 year old daughter.

we were close as kids. grew apart. but still loved him.

the thing is. i suffer from depression, take meds. have an eating disorder and anxiety too. i keep thinking it should have been me who died.

he was killed March 17th.

i'm struggling in college....with life. i'm empty not motivated.

i cry a lot, really depressed. and hate to see others w/ happiness because i have none. its not fair i keep saying.

dnt know how to pull through at all....i'm real sad.

his daughter said, "does my daddy love me?" shes a sweet little girl too...

im just so sad

xxjustkrisxx @ 1:13pm: hi, im new...
Here is the intro that I posted on my support boards on WebMD.com on May 31 last year:



"Hi, my name is Kristina, and i'm 21. I got pregnant on the hormonal birth control Quasense, while taking strong antibiotics. Noone told us to be extra careful on those and that they sometimes can counteract the effectiveness of birth conrol pills.

On November 16, 2005 the month after I turned 20 I had a miscarriage. I was 23 weeks and 3 days along, and I was just a week away from knowing the gender of our baby. Noone knew I was pregnant (i'm a little more than chubby, and it wasn't really noticable), not my fiancee, my mom, noone.

I was afraid my fiancee Mark would leave or be upset at me, and that my family would be extremely dissapointed in me (which they would), and I couldn't bear to face it. I was in college fulltime, I wasn't working, but my fiancee was, and we were living in a 3 bedroom 2 bath house that my family bought us just down the street from campus. This was definitely not planned, and we definitely were not ready for a baby. I knew Mark had said previously that if we ever had an "accident," we would consider it a surprise blessing and he would do whatever it took to take care of us, but I was still just as afraid. If my family had known, after the initial dissapointment, and anger, I knew they would come around and do what they could too, but I was just too afraid. I knew I didn't want an abortion, I am STRONGLY against it as a matter of fact, and adoption was out of the question. I couldn't stand to let go of my baby and let someone else raise my flesh and blood as their own. I'd quit school and work 2 jobs year round first.

I went to all of my Dr. appointments alone, and went through it all by myself. I went to work, lived my life, and even moved to another city before I'd realized I was pregnant and how far along I was before it happened. I tried to hide it the best I could, and I suppose I did a pretty good job at it because noone even said a thing, or if they did, they didn't say it to/around me. It also helped that I was really (dangerously) small for how far along I was.

A few weeks before I felt that something wasn't right, I had a dr appointment, and was told that in a week or two, I'd be able to find out what sex the baby was. I had planned to tell everyone then, I just didn't know how/when.

I lost my baby before I ever had a chance to decide. I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right, I just felt like something was terribly wrong, and so I called and made the soonest Dr. appointment for the next time I went home to visit my family. There was no heartbeat, no activity from the baby, nothing. I was told that my baby has passed away in utero due to my lack of the hormone to sustain the pregnancy, and because of me having a thin, weak cervix. He also said that the stress I was under, my day to day activites, etc didn't help either.

It was (up until that point) the single most heartbreaking day of my entire life. I was scheduled for a D&C, etc. the next week, and I went through that alone also. It wasn't until the next month that I told my fiancee everything the day after Christmas. Soonafter my family and friends started to find out also. My fiancee seemed almost numb and insensitive about it, saying that he really didn't have much sympathy for me considering that I didn't tell him anything about it, and that if I had he'd have done everything in his power to make it work.

Now, I still think about my baby every day, I stare at mommies to be, and stare at every cute baby I see. I feel a twinge of guilt, jealousy, and sadness each time. I feel now more than ever for those other mommies of angels now. I never gave much thought to it before. Even way before I got pregnant Mark had decided a name for a girl. If we had a daughter, "Taryn" would be her name. Even thought I was extremely stressed out, being pregnant was the best feeling ever. Alone, i'd touch my tummy, feel the bubble like movements of my little peanut move, and sing to him/her. I'd look for hours at baby clothes, etc thinking about how I was going to tell everyone.

I still cry, i'm still angry, as if it happened yesterday. My fiancee doesn't say much, my mom didn't say much, his mother just said "well it happens...." My grandparents have never let on that they ever knew."



Now my family knows what has happened since then, and i've told my daddy and all, but noone really talks about it except Mark and I in private. I cry a lot when I think about it, and get really upset when the situation is brought up. On November 16, it will be 2 years since we lost our angel, and it still hurts as though it were yesterday. I don't think it will every become a forgotten memory for me or for Mark, nomatter how many more children we may have. When someone asks me if we have children, I just say, "Yes, our little one is in Heaven now."

pearljamfan274 @ 10:50pm: I lost two people who were the two most amazing people I've ever seen. And up until now, I thought nobody would listen to me, so thank goodness I saw this community. I mean, my friends do listen but the pain still hasn't healed.

Holly Love Gillis 11/18/84-07/01/06



Benjamin D'Antonio 10/04/85-03/19/08


I'm so sick of these people dying premature deaths. And I'm so sick of drugs stealing people from us.

Here's a video of Holly Love I made...
<3

xxjustkrisxx @ 1:55pm: This is for her.
My name is Kristina, and this is for my great grandmother who raised me.

Born in March 1907, she was the middle of 2 sisters and 2 brothers. the sweetest, most giving, kind, most gentle creature i've ever metin my life. Even at 80, she could run faster than most couch-ridden teenagers these days, but she always seemed so frail to me. her body was a tiny frame, and the older she got,the weaker she became. And the more my heart would break. Times we shared just cannot be replaced, her laugh, her dancing, the long walks we took toghether, picking berries, getting into trouble lol
See, she raised me from the time I was born. My mom is a teacher and went to work almost right after I was born, and my grandparents are retired teachers to (but we working then) so until i was 5 and ready to start school, I lived there. even after I started school I spent more time there than I did at home. I never knew whzt life would be like without her. She was not my blood relative, but to me she was closer.
About 2 years after I dropped out of college and went to live with my boyfriend (he's now my fiance), my family became unable to be there for her 24/7, so she went from having a nurse during the day and spending nights alone, to a rest home in our hometown to be better taken care of.
I feel so guilty, I went from being there for her every day and night, and then I just up and left, knowing that I was her heart and soul. I was selfish and did what I wanted to do instead of being there for her, I put her on the back burner. She asked for me all the time, I hardly ever called, and then on top of everything they go and put her in a home. I was asked to come take care of her, and live with her, but I again put my own life ahead of her and said "i'll think about it" until she went into the home.
She passed away in her sleep on August 24th, 2006.
She'll never know how much I love her, never know how sorry and guilty I feel for abandoning her to go off and screw up my own life, she'll never be escorted at our wedding like I planned, and she'll never know that our first daughter or son will be named after her. Taryn Willow, or Mark William.
I think about her every day. There is not a few hours that go by that she's not on my mind. Something will remind me of her. Her laugh, her kisses, just her ways in general, and it just warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. And makes it ache and heavy that i'll never experience that again in this lifetime. I pray to God every day to get into Heaven one day just to see her face again, and at the very least say i'm sorry.

::My Mama:: - For basically raising me along with my mom & grandparents, and

loving me until the end...my heart. I think about her every day, nearly all day, and it

hurts my heart and soul that she's gone.</div>
Willie Cross Rector

Gone, But Never, Ever

Forgotten

March 19, 1907 ~ August 25, 2006