I’m lonely again today.  I woke up early, put my suit on, washed up, did my make-up, and looked fairly presentable by the time I left at 8:30.  I wandered the Union a while, showed up at the meeting, wasn’t nearly as nervous as I thought I’d be, and sat through all the boring talk about politics.  I went down to the SOC to once again play on the internet, with hopes of seeing familiar faces.  I didn’t really see anyone.  I sat there for a good two hours and decided I had spent enough time being pathetic by myself, in the dark basement of the Union on a Friday afternoon.  I came home with the hopes that Zaida would be done napping.  Of course not.  She’s never done lying in her bed doing absolutely nothing, and she sees absolutely nothing wrong with this.

So yet again, here I sit.  Unaccompanied.  I’m listening to dangerously dramatic music for the situation, but I’m holding my own so far.  I only have two more hours until I go meet Kate for dinner, but seeing as how I have taken the last two hours to write these entries I have no idea what I’ll do until then.  At this point I kind of wish I was an addict of some sort… if for nothing else than just something to do.  A need to crack a beer, burn one down, or … I don’t know… go rent some porn or something haha – Hobbies are one thing, but what do normal people do with their days?  My freshman year, I was not normal because I holed myself up in my room every waking hour I wasn’t in class.  Ever since then I’ve been pretty seriously involved in campus activities.  So what is there in between?  Beer, tanning, and sports on TV are all I can come up with based on what I’ve observed in those around me.  Unfortunately none of these things seem very appealing to me.

Yesterday was weird, hanging out in the SOC again.  Nothing like before.  Permanently locked out of what for the last two and a half years I called ‘my’ office.  I had gotten off work early, and thought I would just sit around and play on the internet, seeing as how I don’t have access at home.  On a whim, I thought Terri might be at her desk, so after only being there a couple minutes, I trekked on over.  To my surprise, there sits Terri talking to someone… oh wait that’s my girlfriend.  “What are you doing here?”  Like I don’t have a right.  Like I’m intruding.  Like I’m not welcome where once I invited others.  Bullshit is what that is.

I left the two of them alone for a while.  They seemed to be in intense conversation, understandable for your average Unity one-on-one.  I was getting bored, so we went for a cigarette.  After we came in I figured it would be ok to hang out with them, but I didn’t feel comfortable.  I felt like I was interfering.  I went back to my computer across the room and sat for some more.  Terri asked if I was getting work done… she hadn’t noticed I left because of the awkwardness.  We went up to grab dinner at the new Mexican place in the Union.  Terri slipped and fell in slow motion.  It was kind of funny, but I felt really bad for her.  I think she was more embarrassed than she was letting on.

We went back down and just hung out for a while until Vanessa and Danielle came rushing in asking if anyone had seen Christie.  Kate had seen her at about two with Balla… it was about 5:30 when they came looking.  Turns out they were having a one-on-one of sorts of their own in Balla’s room.  Needless to say, as soon as this was figured out, V and Danielle left just as quickly as they’d come in. 

Back to hanging out, although awkwardly at first, followed by a short panic about what was going to happen in regards to the group.  I’m regretting having to make the call about presidency now.  Aside from the Unity business though, Terri’s really great to hang out with.  I wish I would have taken the time to get to know her last year.  Apparently she’s willingly submitting herself to a limited-crowd hang out session sometime in the near future.  She just has this really warm disposition that makes her easy to be around.  Gorgeous too.  Just must be something about those Unity grads lol

There was something unexpectedly eerie about the way she kept lifting her sleeve to expose her wrists and saying, “Up the stream, not across the river” whenever Kate, in jest, said she’d cut her.  It gave me chills a little bit.  Last night I dreamt about bleeding, about her bleeding… me bleeding too, cut all over.  That really freaked me out.  That is night two in a row that she magically showed up in my dreamland.  There’s more to her than meets the blinking eye, but I don’t know if any of us will have the chance to figure her out.  I don’t think she’s exactly the heart-on-my-sleeve kind of gal… more like an I’m-in-here-somewhere-come-find-me type.

But we all know I’m bad at first impressions.  And my stomach flips.

Today I want to fly.  I want to take a glide across the sky up and over all this.  I’m over all this.  I’m all over.  I can’t sit still.  I can’t stay here.  I can’t end my days in regret and fear.  I’m afraid of what’s to come.  I don’t know where I’m going.  I start my mornings hopeful, thinking something will change… or maybe just that nothing will have been changed.  I want comfort… not just physical comfort… I need emotional comfort, social comfort, situational comfort.  I want what I had.  I want to know exactly who I am, and until I figure some more things out, there’s no way to even approach that dense a subject.  I end my days thinking, “What has made me happy today?”  It’s getting harder and harder to come up with things.  Spending hours and hours on the couch in front of the TV with absolutely no way to contact the outside world gives me too much time to think.  And what do I think about?  How pathetic it feels to be spending hours on the couch with no way to contact the outside world.