I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} dictums) wrote in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} lion_lamb,@ 2008-08-04 13:41:00 |
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| Entry tags: | awesome shit, books: breaking dawn |
poetrytoprose suggested I post this here so I am...Edward Cullen helps me review Breaking Dawn
**This is all in good fun and for the lolz**
"So it doesn't start so bad. Bella is whiny like usual but I basically just drown that out now. Plus I got her a missile proof car. She thinks its to keep her safe..."
"...but it was really just a way to bring the lolz for Jasper, Emmett and I."
"The wedding goes well...even a bit boring...but it was nice not to have to fight some evil vampire for a few hours...so I try to be a good husband and invite Bella's smelly dog best friend to cheer her up..."
"...but of course Fido has to go cause a big scene when he finds out I'm gonna tap that while she is still human even though SHES BEEN BEGGING ME TO DO HER FOR MONTHS and I mean, How much restraint is man supposed to have? I swear if I don't get some soon I'll choke a bitch..."
"Anyways, so I take Bella away to Esme's Island which is in the middle of nowhere so I can get busy with my wife in private and she won't get all cold from me because it's hot as hell. I mean I've had 107 years to plan this so I better not mess up now..."
"So then I get all seductive and tell Bella to meet me in the ocean then I'm finally not a virgin anymore but now no one has any idea how fucking awesome I am in bed since the bitch author fades to black so I get all emo about and figure I shouldn't do it with Bella again until after she is changed which of course pisses Bella off..."
"Then she is all "Edward I need you" so I do her again then the bitch gets PREGNANT..."
"...so I totally freak out because there is no god damn way I'm spending eternity looking after a kid so I'm thinking it's time for a mutant baby smushsmortion but Bella is all attached and shit..."
"So we go back home to get help from Carlisle but apparently Bella and Rose are all BFF now so the house is all divided then to top it off things are now told from the mongrel's POV...
"I'M EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN...does no one care about my view?"
"Anyways, so I hear all the dog's thoughts and between Bella dying from the mutant baby and me not getting a chance to have my POV I get REALLY emo and desperate and ask Jacob to do Bella so she can have puppies or whatever werewolves have..."
"I know, I KNOW....WTF right? Lapse in judgement but I really didn't want Bella to die."
"So we're trying to be all nice to the dogs because the pack broke up and give them food and shelter and of course my bff Seth is awesome about it all but Jake and Leah have to be complete assholes about it all..."
"So this pregnancy shit goes on for way too long not mention a bunch of really pointless and boring stuff with the pack goes on..."
"Then of course as soon as Carlisle and the others leave Bella goes into Labor and then Rose decides she gets thirsty for Bella right when she is supposed to save the baby so I'm all "WTF MOVE BITCH" and get Jacob to keep Bella alive for the transformation..."
"So I inject her in the heart with my venom then bite her all over then 2 days go by while she has her transformation and she doesn't move at all so I'm kinda freaked but I mean 2 days! Quit bitching, mine was the full three and with way less help..."
"So when she wakes up she is super hot which is awesome and I take her hunting and it turns out she can handle the bloodlust business really well so thumbs up and I show her the baby and warn her about Jacob but kinda don't say everything..."
"...so Bella finds out Jacob imprinted on our kid and nicknamed her after the lock ness monster so she flips out on him which basically just amuses me..."
"...so to calm Bella down I take her to our little cabin the family gave us for some vampire sexin' and she felt way better if I do say so..."
"After we did it like all night (Yes ladies....ALL NIGHT) and even though it was only alluded too, we went back to see Nessie..."
"Okay, you have to admit the stuff with Nessie and me is pretty fucking cute..."
"SO Bella is all bonding with Nessie then that idiot Jacob comes back and tells Bella he fucking phased in front of Charlie and invited him over so we try to act all normal since hes been clueless all this time and its like "oh shit, what are we gonna do?"..."
"Then he comes and like basically doesn't care which is stupid but at least Bella didn't eat him which was helpful..."
"Time totally flies by and Nessie grows super fast and is all creepy too so Carlisle and I do research and plan to go back to South America to figure this baby shit out..."
"Bella goes hunting with Jacob and Nessie but that ho-bag Irina sees them on some fucking mountain and gets all miffed and walks away..."
"Alice has some epic vision of the Volturi killing us all just when things are going okay so we're basically all fucked then Alice and Jasper totally bail after we decide to round up more vamps to vouch for Nessie..."
"And its like "WTF Alice way to bail" but we formulate a plan anyways and everyone goes off to round up vampires to witness that Nessie grows since vamp babies and big N-O with the volturi since Irina told them she saw her that day in the mountains..."
"So all these vamps from all over show up and we find Bella is actually a shield but she kinda sucks at using it so we are all training her..."
"All this preparation stuff goes on for a long ass time, I mean even I'M GETTING BORED and I'm expecting to die soon..."
"So then the day finally comes for the battle to end all battles but it goes on so long and the volturi are all corrupt because we proved Nessie wasn't an immortal and Bella's shield keeps us all safe..."
"Then Alice comes back with another half immortal kid who is basically totally okay and stopped growing at like 17 so we know Nessie won't die and now we know that Alice didn't bail on us..."
"And like I totally knew she wouldn't bail because she is Alice and she is too Awesome for that..."
"So the voluturi back off because everyone kinda turned against them and all is good again and we have a bunch of random new friends and Charlie is totally doing Sue Clearwater now so Bella knows he is fed and shit..."
"So I thank Jacob and call him "Son" just to see the fucking look on his face which was priceless..."
"I mean if he is gonna end up my doing my daughter when she technically only like 7 but looks 17 and probably end up having some wolf-vampire baby I better get the jokes in now..."
"So everyone is all happy then Bella and I put Nessie to bed then I was gonna totally get some but Bella let me see in her mind finally which was nice after all this time..."
"So all in all it was pretty boring but I can't complain because I'm not a virgin anymore."
Thanks for all the comments! I'm glad you all enjoyed it!
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