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I think i'm losing it. I don't know what i'm doing. I'm so sick of having to put on this happy face and act like everything is okay when it's not. The only person i wanna spend time with doesn't seem to wanna spend time with me unless im willing to put out. how can i love someone that only wants me for sex? I'm insane. He's all i think about. He's the only person i want to spend my days with. To be honest..i'd rather see him to just fuck than to not see him at all.
IT makes me feel like theres seriously something wrong with me. Like im too ugly or too fat or too stupid ot too pathetic or too much of a loser..or SOMETHING..why else would he not want to be in a proper relationship with me?Why else would he not care enough to make me happy?

I suck at life.

I think i may have confessed about the fact that i slept with nick the other day..I'm not sure though..i remember talking about something like that..I don't know. No one has brought it up yet so maybe i didn't. I miss nick, i wish nick could miss me the same way. I feel very very lost. I may be losing my best friend. I may be losing ties with nick. I may not have the energy to get through uni this semester. I don't know anything anymore. I feel so alone in the world and i just want it to stop. I don't want to drink every again. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I Am Feeling:

depressed

my house has boxes in all rooms stacked up to the ceiling at the moment looks very funny like a box factory.

conner is toilet trained its brilliant he just started going in their on his own im supprised but they do say it comes all at once whoop whoop im so happy its not nice changing a 3 year olds nappy.i think bed training will be harder tho as he demands a bottle to go bed with so produces tons of wee so not sure what to do now.but least the day is done.

spoke to andy other day hes annoyed me im left here moving house and bringing up the kids while hes off swannin round the world with his mates and hes not even bothered that moving house is stressfull for me hes like oh yeh thats nice when i told him we finnaly got a move cheak of him he just dont care.i got thomas birthday tomorrow dont think he will bother to phone and then mine is halloween im goin out to get drunk.am just fed up with how his attitude is with me like get on with it wheres my support.

oh well thats my moan over anyway haha.

WTF, my Livejournal has ads all of a sudden (if I am not logged in). On the actual journal page... When did this happen? Will a paid account rid me of this? It is quite unattractive...

Uh. It's 1.30 in the morning and I have an early seminar. I was in bed when I realised I didn't know which room the seminar was in, so I had to haul my ass to the computer room to check. If they can't be bothered to fix my internet, I am not going to bother to get dressed.

Oh, brilliant, it's in the building I *always* get lost in. That will be fun.

Well, time to trek back across the cold and dark campus. Good night, flist.

Oh question, is there are particular etiquette on facebook-friending an ex? He added me, and I haven't decide whether to add back yet. Is the polite thing to ignore his friend request, or to add him and not talk to him? (There is no bad blood or whatever between us, but I have no desire to speak to him at all.)

What do I do when I am in school anyway?Smoke every hour and freeze to death in the studio.And the journey home sucks especially.

People always seem to withstand the unfamiliar,refuse invitations from strangers and are too afraid to get lost and explore.Drafting way too many budget limits and itineraries and shit.Whenever they travel,they always worry about political upheavals and natural disasters that are happening.Why?Fuck that.As long as you have the guts to travel,even in the face of chaos and disaster and always have an appetite for adventure,you will be safe.I assure that.I once traveled with someone who wanted to cancel the trip to Bangkok at the last minute because of some trivial bombing.What the fuck?People like that will never ever make it to other parts of the world.If something horrifying happens and you survive that,it works.And what is it with regret?It is really stupid to feel regretful about everything.

andy hasnt phoned me today i miss him so much the kids have been noisy and excited school tomorrow tho thank god,anyway no more news here bit boaring really.

my mums been on at me bout my drinking again i said i wouldnt have any for a while but ive just gone and got a very large vodka to go with something else im on tonight im going to be mental later i just no it and i shouldnt cos im dyin here feel so so tired been runnin bout like a maniac all day shopping and stuff school run nightmares.

sat in my room tho with my vibes on board and thought y not got plenty of stuff ere to get wasted with so i am goin to get completely wasted i think its cos im board,i am fed up with bein on my own all the time its lonely,mum doesnt understand she got dad all the time i am here on my own with the kids i just want adult company sometimes argg ive done this to myself i guess now i gotta deal with it and stop moaning

im more lucky than some i guess.