This was really no fun at all.

And Jack's day had started so well, really well, exceptionally well-

Until arguments, chains, angry guards (not the fun kind) and a seriously mood killingly long period of shouting had led to him being...a guest of the establishment.

Jack tugged at one of the chains anchoring him to the doors.

Yeah, that had put an end to his fun really quickly.

Still he hadn't minded all that much at first, he'd figured maybe a fine or a few years in a small room, a little attention from blunt men with sharp instruments, or sharp men with blunt instruments, he'd learned there really wasn't much difference.

Then they'd told him what the punishment actually was...and he'd called in a favour.

Then he'd sat there for a few hours, being alternately jabbed and insulted by what passed for his own personal guard.

The guy was nine feet tall and bright red, but thin as a bean, it was a low gravity world so should Jack have to make a break for it he was fairly certain he could push him over...gently.

...

The Doctor really did have a very expressive face.

At the moment it was managing...

...Why am I not surprised?

...What have you done now?

...What are you doing here?

...I'm very disappointed in you?

...Why are the walls Orange?

And an assortment of other things that Jack couldn't begin to guess at.

What he said was. "Hello Jack."

Jack waved. "Welcome to Cerueilia Prime."

The Doctor looked at him over the top of his glasses. "Oh nice work on the accent!"

"I've been practicing. Apparently they're less inclined to cut parts off of you if you can pronounce their names properly."

"Eighteenth century France was a lot like that." The Doctor slid his hands into his pockets and frowned at him. "Anyway you're supposed to be on Earth aren't you, in Wales, what are you doing here?"

Jack had been sort of waiting for that.

"Yeah, about that-" It was really hard to attempt to look innocent while also chained by all four limbs, and really this was starting to get old, could no one take a joke anymore?

"Oh don't tell me you got kidnapped again? Honestly if I got kidnapped as often as you..." The Doctor rolled his eyes, then fixed them back on Jack.

Jack threw the Doctor his best 'okay yes that, that was totally my fault' expression. The Doctor didn't look impressed. Which was only fair because maybe Jack didn't have the best track record at staying out of trouble, but he usually tried to sort out his own messes. He usually managed to sort out his own messes.

He thought immortality might have made him a little less cautious.

"Captain Jack Harkness states that you will take responsibility for him," The red alien said, and really Jack hadn't been planning to spring that on him quite yet.

The Doctor looked up at the guard and raised an eyebrow.

"Oh I don't know about that!" He said. "Taking responsibility for you Jack, that's a full time job and I doubt it pays very well-"

Jack grinned at him.

"That's not helping your case at all right this moment in time," he warned.

Jack tried for an earnest expression without the slightest hint of sexual intent behind it.

The Doctor pulled a face.

"Oh you really are out of practice at that aren't you."

Jack slumped against the chains. He'd never had to work so hard to get rescued before.

The bright red alien poked Jack again, clearly job satisfaction was not high on the government's list of 'things to improve our society' which was a shame, these people could be fun when given small glasses of alcohol.

Give them too much and they tended to gradually fold in half and then fall over.

"I should just leave you here," The Doctor said sensibly. "It would teach you a lesson. Concerning when it's appropriate to put things where they don't belong."

Jack was honestly not sure if the threat was genuine, though if the Doctor did leave him here Jack was almost certain he'd end up feel bad about it. When he remembered to.

"You'd think if I hadn't learned that lesson already it's probably not going to stick now."

Jack's mock guilty face really wasn't winning him any bonus points here.

"And that's not helping your case either," The Doctor said sharply. "I can hardly rescue you only for you to go crashing through the universe making a tremendous mess of it and violating people's personal space willy nilly can I, hmm?"

"Awh come on," Jack rattled the chains in a way that just about managed to be mischievous rather than desperate. "You don't even have to unchain me if you really don't want to, just a change of scenery."

The Doctor gave him nothing.

"Somewhere that doesn't say 'prison?'" Jack ventured.

"I don't know I kind of like the place, and the people. I'm sure they're lovely people when they're not chopping you into pieces."

"Oh they're fantastic people, and you wouldn't believe-" he stopped his voice and the grin from running away and getting him in even more trouble. "The food's amazing too." He tried, then checked the sentence for accidental innuendo.

Found none.

He checked again just to be sure.

The Doctor had already stopped paying attention, he'd gone to talk to the guard instead. The guard who politely leaned almost in half to be in eye line with him.

"What's the punishment for-" The Doctor glared at Jack. "Whatever he actually did anyway."

The red alien made a grumbling noise in his throat and shook his spear.

"We will cut him into four pieces and put him in display in the museum, so that other transgressors may think twice before defiling our secret places!"

The red alien jabbed Jack again.

"Hey I didn't defile any secret places!" Jack complained, he flailed a little with his chains, then raised an eyebrow at the Doctor and pointed a finger. "Seriously whatever this guy said he's lying."

"The sanctity of the queen must not be trespassed upon!" The guard said fiercely.

There was a pointed eyeballing from the Doctor.

"Oh yeah," the corner of Jack's mouth slid down at the side. "Okay I might have defiled her secret places, just a little, more than a little- would you stop poking me!"

The Doctor inhaled through his teeth.

"Jack, Jack, Jack what have I told you!" He spun one foot sideways and there was a clear threat to the movement, which indicated the option to leave 'right now' was still on the table.

Jack shuffled forward until the chains stopped him dead.

"I really don't want to end up in four pieces in a museum, my head would get lonely without my body!"

"Though your body might be less trouble without your head," the Doctor debated.

Jack laughed. "I wouldn't count on it."

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Alright, yes, fine, I take responsibility for him, temporarily, under duress, and not entirely happily but I do nevertheless take responsibility for him."

The tall red guard looked strangely relieved.

It took seven guards to come and unhook all the chains from the doors.

Though that was about all they did.

Jack was still technically chained up, he was just...ambulant now.

The Doctor had to sign some forms, which he looked particularly unhappy about. Jack could imagine what they said 'I promise to never bring him anywhere near your planet again,' 'Yes, I'm a being of sound mind,' 'no he won't try and flee the universe,' 'no you cannot have my full name, or my address, I'm transient.'

The red alien didn't let him keep the pen either.

"These are really heavy," Jack pointed out. "And now I feel like Jacob Marley."

"Well it's not a bell but it might do," the Doctor said, then eyed him pointedly and started walking.

Jack followed him.

It took a while.