Jack woke up wearing a white lab coat and a tie, and nothing else. He was also sprawled half way up the hub stairs, which was not the most comfortable place to have spent a period of unconsciousness, and certainly not while mostly naked.

Someone had been doing something with his head. Possibly involving recreational drugs, or drills and little sucking tubes. Possibly also involving toxins hitherto undiscovered by the human nervous system. Which seemed to react rather strongly with his immortality because he'd thought he'd lost that familiar 'do I have legs and do they still work' sensation. But no, here it was, like an old friend.

Sitting up brought the rest of the hub into focus, barely, and getting his hands down to brace himself managed to get him a hand covered in something sticky, which smelled like cherries. Something in his head twitched in sense reaction, and it took a good minute and a half of staring at his hand before it vanished like fog. He wiped whatever it was on the lab coat and attempted to stand up.

It turned out he did have legs, though from the state of them he was going to guess he'd either been indulging in something flexible (or indeed someone flexible.) Or someone had chopped them off and they'd regrown while he was unconscious. That might be why he'd only made it halfway up the stairs.

But surely he would have woken up if someone had chopped his legs off, that was the sort of thing you noticed.

He pulled himself upright, investigated whether he could make it back down the stairs. The answer turned out to be yes...for a very loose translation of the word 'yes.' He was fairly certain 'making it down the stairs' wasn't supposed to have included 'falling half-way.'

Either way he made it downstairs.

The place was a mess, there was equipment everywhere, drinks tumbled across work surfaces and the tech and the floor, clothing...more clothing, some of which Jack could vaguely remember his team wearing.

Added to that there were several new and curious things in the hub, because Jack had been trained to notice curious things even with a head that felt like it belonged to three other people. His coat was slumped over a keyboard, slumped like it had fallen asleep in the middle of working, and save for that one very unfortunate prototype in the thirty third century clothes didn't have intelligence. So the whole scene was very odd.

Also, Owen's bare leg was dangling off the edge of a desk and Gwen...

Then there was Gwen, stumbling around like she was having the same drug/leg problem that Jack was still trying to work with. Also, she appeared to be wearing-

"Oh god, am I wearing a weevil suit?"  She ran hands through her hair, pushing the tangled weight of it out of her face.

Jack felt incapable of speaking against the evidence. Though he felt obliged to work out if he could speak at all.

"What's going on?" he managed, which was good, it was coherent.

But Gwen either didn't hear him or was more inclined to worry about her current problem. "I am, aren't I. Oh god, please tell me there isn't a naked weevil downstairs somewhere."

There was a murmur and Jack's coat moved. It seemed it hadn't been flung there after all when the collar shifted to reveal a waterfall of hair, Tosh's hair. Tosh was wearing it.

Tosh slid back on the seat, looked down at herself, gave a little squeal and tugged the coat more firmly around her.

Ok that was all Tosh was wearing, his coat and nothing else. She blushed, visibly, bundled it round herself. Then she spotted Jack, Jack and his clothing situation that seemed to mirror her own.

"Why- what's going on?"  

It was nice to see he was still a gentleman...was he a gentleman, he couldn't remember. It was entirely possible she'd stolen his coat from his legless corpse.

Of course that probably still made him a gentleman because he would totally have let her.

"I'm working on all those questions," Jack said carefully.

Speaking of gentleman, there was a clang and Ianto appeared in the entrance. He was missing a jacket, and his tie and he looked...dishevelled would have been the politest way of putting it.

"Is anyone else feeling awfully strange?"

Ianto took in Gwen, in her weevil suit and her expression of bewildered horror, Jack in his Doctor's jacket and tie that didn't match and Tosh who was doing her best to hide in the coat, and Owen's leg.

"Never mind, clearly this isn't just me."

Well since this seemed to be the best team gathering they were likely to get.

"Is Owen dead?" Ianto asked curiously.

Jack reached out and grabbed hold of Owen's bare foot, tugged on it.

"Fucking jesus!" The rest of Owen appeared in one movement, like Jack had performed a magic trick.

So, that was where Tosh's clothes had gotten to. Jack rather thought the skirt suited him, he had the legs for it. The shirt wasn't a good fit though.

"What the bloody hell am I wearing?"

"My clothes!" Tosh said stridently, which provoked much comical head swinging from the others.

"Why were you naked?" Owen still looked confused, though granted Owen usually looked at least a little confused. This was a special kind of confused that only waking up at work in your female co-workers clothing could produce.

Jack should know, he'd done it more than once.

"I get the distinct impression someone took advantage of me," Owen said carefully, then scowled at Jack. "It was probably you!"

Jack threw his hands up.

Tosh still looked rather unhappy about the theft of her clothes. Though Jack didn't see her asking for them back anytime soon.

Owen rubbed the back of his head. "Something's missing."

"Underwear?" Ianto suggested helpfully, which made Owen try and push the skirt between his legs and attempt some sort of stand.

"No idiot, I meant-"

"You can't remember anything," Jack said carefully.

"None of us can, and lets face it we all look like rejects from a brothel," Gwen added. She picked at the suit. "You know, I know I'm naked underneath but I'm about five seconds away from just taking this off. They don't have diseases do they? I can't catch weevil diseases?"

"No," Owen says simply. "They're either dead or alive, they don't get diseases."

Gwen tried desperately to look as if she was comforted at least a little by this.

She was right though, they didn't exactly look as if they'd been having a tea party.

Ianto's mouth was friction red and there was a long guilty mark up the pale length of his throat that you could probably match to a set of teeth with the right forensic equipment. There was a collection of finger shaped bruises on Owen's waist and thighs, and twisting his head revealed that his coat had slipped enough to reveal the red imprint of teeth on Tosh's shoulder.

It was like the dirtiest version of cluedo imaginable. Jack was tempted to try and peek under Gwen's boiler suit to see what she was hiding. Of course Torchwood didn't have a billiard room, or a conservatory. They did have a library, it might even contain rope, Jack hadn't checked in a while.

"Does anyone remember anything, anything at all?" he asked carefully

"I'm not sure." Tosh said quietly. "My head is very confused about what's real and what was a particularly strange dream."

"I remember you coming back from the shopping centre." Ianto said carefully. "You had that lizard alien in the boot of the car...and then we had a call, or a delivery, or something." He shook his head. "That's not very helpful I know."

"Well that was..." Jack looked at his watch. "Sixteen hours ago."

"Did someone retcon us? All of us?"

"I remember a small pale bloke." Owen said. "No hair, funny looking, really dull." Jack reacted to that, swivelling to look at Owen, who appeared to be debating whether to do up the last few buttons of Tosh's shirt.

"What? How, I don't remember a thing." Gwen was shaking her head. Owen shrugged, clearly meaning he wasn't privy to what his brain decided to throw up.

"Why can I taste cherries." Tosh said faintly, Jack frowned.

"I could smell cherries when I woke up...anyone else."

"Reception smells like cherries." Ianto offered calmly. "I woke up there." Jack raised an eyebrow in his direction.

"Naked?"

"Mostly naked," he admitted. Jack looked the same question at Gwen

"Don't look at me, my mouth tastes like floor."

"Owen?"

"What?"

"Can you taste cherries?" Owen's eye twitched.

"No."

Jack eyeballed him for the lie, but then his stealth skills weren't absolutely back up to par at the minute. He was fairly certain he was remembering things that he'd actually hallucinated.

Fairly certain.

He was fairly certain that he had his hand up Owen's skirt, and that Gwen was wearing his coat at some point...he was also just as certain that she wasn't wearing it at some point too.

He thought he vaguely remembered that his coat was flung half-way up the stairs, though he wasn't quite sure who was sent to retrieve it.

But there's a lingering suspicion that he had sex while halfway up the stairs with whoever that turned out to be.

He was also fairly certain he spent a portion of the night bent over the help desk.

He really wished there were more things he was completely certain about.

"Tosh, get on the camera and security logs, find out what the hell we've been doing."

"I'm trying, I told you the system has no information from the last few days. It's like they never happened, no video feed, no audio, not even outside scans."

Owen fidgeted in Tosh's outfit. Ianto stood by, ready to be helpful while Gwen glared down at herself with the sort of venom she usually reserved for hideous aliens.

If this was some distraction technique while aliens took over the world then it was working.

Tosh, distracted by a long string of numbers, was now using both hands to type with. Jack's coat had swayed open enough to reveal the curving slope of a breast and he could smell cherries again, both of which were very distracting.

Jack realised he was setting a bad example of the distraction front and resolved to stop it.

His co-workers sense of decency was apparently taking the day off.

Until Gwen reached over and very carefully tugged the coat back into place.

The typing paused briefly.

"Thank you Gwen."

The screens all came up, one after the other, always blank.

"Tosh?"

"There's nothing here, it's like the screens all stopped working, like someone took the images."

"Who?" Jack asked

"I don't know," she said flatly.

"Hang on, I've got something. There is a set of co-ordinates and a frequency for an image feed."

"Call it." Jack said flatly.

She did, and three minutes later the screen opened a new display.

Which obediently did it's job and displayed...pale bland aliens, nothing to distinguish male from female, hell nothing to suggest they had any sort of notion of male or female.

"Greetings and salutations again." All the pale aliens practiced their waving, some were much better at it than others.

"Again?" Gwen said curiously.

"Hello Ianto," One of the aliens waved in his direction; Ianto, with little idea what else to do, waved back.

"If I find you pimped me out to an alien sir, I shan't be pleased." He told Jack out of the corner of his mouth.

"We are pleased to see you again, we enjoyed our visit immensely."

Jack blinked, the aliens seemed to assume it was some sort of cultural thing because they blinked back.

Owen muttered 'diplomatic incident' through a cough and Gwen whacked him.

Jack ignored the immaturity.

"Umm, we seem to be having a little trouble remembering your visit." Jack told them.

The pale aliens nodded, rather more than was strictly necessary.

"You agreed to experimentation into human senses, in exchange for shielding technology." The tallest of the tall, bland aliens said.

"We've gained many valuable hours worth of recording." A pale long fingered hand waved some little coloured discs.

"Oh god," Gwen said quietly, her face had gone a very unpleasant shade of horrified.

Jack raised an eyebrow.

"And we can't remember it because?"

"A low grade hallucinogen was used to intensify the sensations, in high doses the chemical has been known to cause amnesia in bipedal life forms."

One of the bland aliens murmured something which sounded like. "...pregnancy test?"

"No, I'm sure he's fine." The other said reassuringly.

Jack blinked.

"We trust there are no problems with the new technology?"

Jack eyebrowed a question at Tosh, who checked the computer.

"We now apparently have shielding technology, a lot of shielding technology," she said very quietly. Jack's other eyebrow went up.

He turned back to the screen.

"We're...er, very pleased with our shielding technology, thank you."

There was more waving, a little cultural misunderstanding, but no one got shot at, and a promise to not kill each other in the future.

All in all the day could have gone more horribly wrong.

When the view screen shut Jack was confronted by the irritated faces of his entire team.

"What?"

"You pimped us out to aliens," Gwen said pointedly.

"Not on purpose! I wouldn't have done it without a majority decision, you guys had to have agreed."

"Pimped us out to aliens," Owen repeated.

"For the good of the planet!" Jack told them, collecting what he was fairly certain was his underwear from under Tosh's workstation.

"That doesn't make it ok!" Gwen snapped.

She stomped off...closely followed by the rest of his team.

"Hey, I don't even remember doing it!" He called, though everyone had mostly already gone.

"Like I wouldn't let you pimp me out to save the planet," he grumbled.

"Like we'd need to," Gwen muttered, she'd come back for her shoes.

When she stomped off again it was with a fraction less stompi-ness than before.

But yeah, he might have to work on this one for a while.

And he could still smell cherries....