The Society for Librarians* Who Say "Motherfucker"

To all the mofos I have hated before.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 20:45:35 GMT

1: I know our collection of entertainment DVDs, especially for children, is "piss poor." I don't need to hear this every single day. I keep telling you people, we get them all by donation. It's nice that your daughter's "rinky-dink town" in Ohio has over 1,500 DVDs. But I'm just a clerk. If you want libraries to spend money on Disney movies for your kids and grandkids, talk to HQ. Don't whine to me cronically.

2: Of course I need your library card to check you out/find your holds. I am NOT the Amazing Kreskin! http://amazingkreskin.com/

3: Look you old pervert, you can claim all you want that you ended up on Pornotube by accident. But typing in "Yahoo.com" does not take you to a porn site. And would you stop coming behind the circ counter looking for computer help? You're not suppose to come into our offices! I don't care if it is legal for adults to look at adult porn at the library. I still think you and your bipolar rages are creepy.

4: Lady, I did not know anything was "wrong" with your son. I don't have a magical crystal that says "This kid has autism and doesn't understand money." In fact, he struck me as a perfectly normal pre-teen boy. And if he's so bad with money why do you send him in the library ALONE with $20? I asked other parents with kids like your son, they told me you were completely out of line to blame me for your mistake. A mistake I might add you keep repeating. If I didn't find your son so damn likable I'd claw your eyes out. He's a sweet kid and not, as you seem to think, entirely unteachable. I found with a little paitence he can understand anything. (Why do you KEEP sending him in here alone with money anyway if you're so insistant that he can't understand it? Why do you assume I'm your babysitter?)

5: Asking me repeatedly if your hold is in yet and what "instranist" means won't magically make it appear. It takes 5 to 7 business days. It's not here yet. You've asked me that question ten times in the last five minutes. Go away!

6: Yeah, I know I "don't look Jewish." Yes I know my last name is of British origin. However, my MATERNAL GREAT-GRANDPARENTS (on BOTH my mom's paternal and maternal sides) were Jewish. Yes, out of fear they changed their last names and "converted" and "became" Catholic. But they practiced a lot of their real faith in secret even here in America. I'm proud of my heritage and if you don't like the fact I embrace it, tough. And for the record, not all Jewish people have dark hair, dark eyes, and big noses!

7: Yes, I do have a TON of food allergies. No it's not "all in my head." I suppose the wheezing and hives are just in my imagination too? I told you, I'm allergic to bell peppers. (And cinnamon, cumin, pork, whole wheat, artifical sweateners....)

8: Could you please do me a favor and not show up at the library five minutes to closing obviously under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs then complain about us being about to close?

9: I don't care if the army's library opened at 9 am. This is a county library. We open at 10 am. Deal with it.

10: Two words - BREATH MINTS.

11: Three words - TAKE A BATH. (I mean, seriously, you're dressed in clothing obviously from some ritzy store like Saks but you have BO that could kill a moose with a cold at 50 paces when you're upwind from them. Go home, bathe, use something to keep your pits from reaking, then come back.)

12: Of COURSE you have to pay the $26. You kept the books a MONTH PAST THE DUE DATE! No, returning them doesn't mean all fines are magically cleared. And don't yell at your kids. It wasn't a children's book anyway. It was a book you checked out for yourself. Your kids are not to blame cause you're a fucktard.

*deep cleansing breath* You know, it felt really good to finally get that out after all this time.

Seriously... I don't want to know.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:06:31 GMT

I am Pro Choice, but I respect any patron’s beliefs, as long as they keep them out of my face...

In walks an man wearing a baseball cap with large button that reads: “Unborn fetuses have rights too.” He is also wearing a placard hung around his neck with images of aborted fetuses. He wants an article from the local newspaper that appeared several years ago.

“Do you want to know why I’m looking for this article.”

“No, Sir. But I am happy to assist you in your research.”

I find the article a print out a copy.

“Let me tell you why I was looking for this article.”

“That’s not necessary, Sir. Here is the article you requested.”

“I’m going to tell you why I wanted this article….”

I was right. I didn’t want to know.

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 23:39:53 GMT

Ok, I've had it up to here with "web 2.0". Tired of hearing it. Tired I say!

But, cybrarian? CYBRARIAN?!!!!!!!!!

:commits seppuku:

Yes, I expect you did.

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 23:22:09 GMT

I work in the computer lab at a big public library in an urban area.

A patron was at a computer, working on something, and she started to talk to herself (or her neighbors, though they weren't talking back). Over the past half hour, she started get louder and louder. I asked her to try to keep it down, and she was polite and did for a while. Then she got up to leave, and as she was walking out the door, she dropped a few things and started giggling a little. Right as she got to the door, she threw all of her papers on the ground and shouted out, as if she solved the ultimate puzzle: "I dun took some vicodin, dint I?"

A Definite Mofo, and His Membership Card is in the Mail!

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:27:00 GMT

And it started off so nicely too.

Father and 4 year old son come up to the circ desk. The child very politely asks to renew his DVD's. No problem except for 1 which was on hold. The father very politely told the son he couldn't have it etc etc, and I thought how sweet! A parent actually teaching their child manners. Especially since said father looked like a biker dude. (And don't flame me for making a sweeping generalization. I just point this out to not judge a book by the cover, so to speak.)

Cut to 15 minutes later. They come to check out to get some more DVD's for the kid. I scan the card and there is a $1.10 fine on it. No biggie until I tell the father, who basically goes ballistic! How dare we charge 4 year old children fines etc etc, and "Is there someone else I can talk to?" Ha ha, oh that one again! Luckily I was on desk with my supervisor so I gladly passed him onto her.

Long story short, she wasn't intimidated and wouldn't waive the fine (which I remind you was only $1.10). He says it is ridiculous to charge a 4 year old blah blah blah, and he has actually had to pay over $5.00 in fines for his son in the past year alone!!!!! Oh the humanity! (My boss told me later she wanted to ask him how much his last beer cost. Tee hee!)

Then he turns to the kid and says we are getting no more books out for you since you can't get them back on time (the kid is 4) and we are tearing your card up. My boss says, well I guess you don't want these DVD's then? Oh yes we do. And off they go. Huh?

So basically, this grown man blamed a 4 year old boy on fines that are basically the parents fault? Am I the only one who sees it that way? How is the child supposed to learn responsibility (which he seemed to be on the road to learning judging by my earlier interaction with him) if the father blusters and blunders and tries to bully his way out a fucking $1.10 fine, which is actually HIS fault since presumably he is the one who has to take the child to the library on a regular basis.

The one I feel really bad for is the poor kid. He looked like he was about to cry, and frankly, if I had any inkling of what was about to transpire I would have just waived the fines as a "goodwill gesture". Sadly, the kid probably got a tongue lashing (or worse) in the privacy of the home, and probably hates going to the library now.

Thanks Daddy Dearest for just creating a future MOFO.

we are collecting your childs info for nefarious purposes

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 16:34:49 GMT

In our academic library the rule is, if you are over 12 and do not have a card, you must sign in because the public is allowed a very limited number of visits per year (and yes, if you say you are here to access the government documents archive, we will let you in, its a little known loophole to the X number of visits cap). After you reach your free cap you need to pay to access the library.

A couple of days ago a female student and her daughters tried to come in, when she found out her teenage daughter had to sign in she got upset. Thankfully she didn't lose it, but argued long and hard with privileges about why we wanted her daughters info (because your daughter can only enter the library Y number of times unless you obtain a card for her, sorry). She stated she was not comfortable having the public have access her daughter's info.

Lady, this is a private database which the "public" does not have access too. It is not ridiculous to track teenagers visits. Why? Well, we do get local high-schoolers and even faculty children coming in to do research in our reference sections and documentary collection for their papers. Also, some of these kids find out we have one of the largest dvd collection in area libraries (including blockbusters and animation) and are fond of visiting to watch hard to obtain movies. These kids are subject to the alloted visits limit unless their parents are affiliated with the University and get their kids a card (doesn't usually happen until said kids find out they can't check out books or dvds on mummy and daddy's cards).

You're going to enter in your own info so that your daughter is protected from the prying public. Fine, we're tired of arguing with you and your stupidity (we were very polite to the patron), we'll let the door monitor deal with that.

Not A Mofo, But Close To Getting Her Membership Card

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 22:41:23 GMT

Woman comes up the circ desk and wants to check out her husbands hold for him. Hey, and she actually brought his card with her, so she apparantly knows all about the "No card no books" policy we instated a few years ago. So I go to wand the card in and it comes up dead. Obviously at some point in the past hubby claimed his card was lost (translation: It's here somewhere but I am just to lazy to look for it so give me a new one.) and the dead card (which he "lost") is the one he gave her.

So I inform her that she needs the actual active card to check out the hold, and no she cannot check it out on her card. And no, we cannot just call up your husband to verify. Do they do that sort of thing at banks if you want to take money out of his account? (I didn't say that last part, but I was thinking it). So no go.

Apparantly, "No" to this lady meant "Let me talk to your supervisor". Sigh. Luckily for me it was lunch time and all the bosses were having their Ramen noodles to be bothered.

Long story short after much haggling and back and forthing when the word no kept getting repeated, I happened to spy another copy of this book in out Fast Reads section. I thought problem solved! At least she will be able to read the new Janet Evanovich novel, even if it isn't the exact copy that was on hold for hubby. "I can't read that in 7 days". I almost burst out laughing at this point because she was willing to fight for this book for almost 1/2 an hour, but she can't read it in 7 days? How long does it take to read Janet Evanovich anyway?

So to soothe ruffled feathers, we suggested that she could still take the book, start reading it (since it was so damn do or die she get it!) then come back with the active card and the the longer loan one. She left, but not without a bit of a huff.

Now this is the funny part. After she left, I thought I would do the nice thing and extend the hold period for the book to give her a couple of extra days. So I go into the hubbys record to make the change and it turns out even if we (by WE I mean a boss) had decided to let her get her way, she couldn't have taken it out anyway because hubby had lost books on his card! LOL Oh the irony.

One bird book is just like the other

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 20:19:37 GMT

In library school they taught me that patrons never know what they want, but I always manage to overestimate them...

Patron: I'm looking for "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
Me: Okay, that should be upstairs... (we go up to where the classics are.) Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was here, but it's not. Would you like to request it?
Patron: Wait! (He picks up "To Kill a Mockingbird.") This is what I was looking for, thanks!

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:54:46 GMT

So when I'm sitting behind the reference desk and a patron watches me look up a book for someone, sit down at my computer again after showing him where it is, and ask the other reference associate if she needs help in a minute with the project she's working on, what part of that leads to "Do you work here?" being a reasonable question? Nnnno, I just found a really sneaky way of getting around the time limits on the public computers. Shhh! Don't blow my cover!

I mean, I know I'm twenty-nine and look seventeen. It's hard to miss all the people who are patronizing and/or rude to me because they think I'm a stupid kid and don't have the authority to tell them what to do in the library. But when you stand there and actually watch me work? I just... what?

Oh, and I'm wondering. The eyes in the back of your head, do those come with the MLS?

Our desk is more or less a big box. We're closed in on all sides except for the gate in the back. This actually invites more obnoxious space-invading than the old style, where we had just the desk in front of us, but I don't know if I can fairly call those patrons mofos. But the number of people who come up to the back of the desk and stand directly, behind me without saying a word, then get mad because I didn't help them immediately, are amazing. Hoverers annoy me anyway. Librarians are not werewolves, promise. I won't turn into a slavering beast and attack you if you say hello to me. I have trouble figuring out if someone wants something or is just waiting on a computer or browsing the shelves when they stand four feet away and don't speak to me. But I completely fail to get the logic that says "if I stand out of sight quietly enough, long enough, someone's sure to notice me!"

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:51:35 GMT

Some times I worry about our students. Like when they say an 83 paged book is a duplicate of a 159 paged book.

Way to parent

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:08:06 GMT

I had a sixth grade girl in here today, with either her dad or her uncle. They returned a billed book and then were sent to me to ask a question for a homework assignment. The question she asked me was "what's a phycial model?" So I asked her some questions to clarify what the context for the phrase was. She has a science class assignment for this question. When I asked her the first question and she wasn't really sure of the answer, the dad/uncle guy said to her "See, I told you we should have brought the paper." And then after another couple questions he says to her in that sing-songy bully voice: "You're gonna fail science."

Like really, this is the way you treat this kid? Way to help her out and give her some positive reinforcement. Boo to you, mofo.

That does it.

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 01:20:12 GMT

The next person to mispronounce "sudoku" around here is going to TASTE MY WRATH.

What part of "No, you can't have it" do you not get?

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 21:33:39 GMT

Look, lady, first off, he's a subsitute clerk, stop getting irate with him. He doesn't decide things. He just comes in when one of us is too sick or on vacation.

Second of all, we both explained to you repeatedly, brand new magazines cannot be checked out. No, I don't care how many times you claim "They let me do it last time." Neither he, nor I, are going to let you do it this time. This is this month's issue of Vanity Fair. When it's no longer new you can check it out. (Oh, and FYI, we've canceled our subscription to it.) See this plastic cover? It means BRAND NEW CURRENT ISSUE! MUST STAY HERE! See the label that says "cannot be checked out"? I mean, are you blind?

Here's the thing. Sometimes some of our other patrons think it's funny to switch out the old issues with the new. They take the new one out - sometimes stealing it, especially if it's a Seventeen Magazine with Amanda what's her face, or a Sports Illustrated with swimsuit girls, sometimes just mixing the new one with the old - and put a random old one in it's place. It might be last month's issue, it might be an issue from six months ago. Either way, it's not a new issue. So if they did allow you last time to check one in the plastic cover out, then that's what happened.

And I know they didn't. Our computers block such things. We can't even override it. We have to go into editing and change from "ref-nonbk" to "magazine."

So stop your whining, pouting, and in general getting angry. It's just Vanity Fair. Nothing but fluff and nonsense. I mean, if it was a magazine with substance like Time or Newsweek I could understand.

Of course, with your maturity levels, I suggest Highlights For Children.

Can I go to jail for this?!

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:27:13 GMT

I think I just assisted in an illegal drug sale. One of our many downtown homeless patrons just had me help him identify an orange oblong pill with a 60 on one side and 655 on the other. It turns out to be morphine. His explanation was that someone had told him he (the other guy) had morphine but he (my patron) didn't believe it and wanted to make sure by identifying the pill. *sigh* A downtown branch reference librarian's job is never done.

Nomenclature

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:24:20 GMT

I was just thinking about something. So many of our patrons have distinguished themselves enough to be given a nickname.

Do all librarians do that? I was on "Tales from the Lieberry" on blogspot and I noticed that his patrons all have nicknames, too.

Does anyone have any interesting patron nicknames? Here are the ones that I can think of off the top of my head:
Biography Lady
Mr Creepy Pants
Foghorn
The Pervert
Nasty Cane Lady
Stinky Ponytail Guy
Pomeranian Boy
fbi.com lady
The shoeless mechanic

Edit.
I just rememberd the Piss Bandit- He got his nickname last night after we caught him in the act of flooding the bathroom (he's been doing it for months). He was the inspiration for this post in the first place and I completely forgot about him.

So again, anyone else have any good ones?

She won't be winning mom of the year anytime soon

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 02:08:37 GMT

Dear Mofo Mom
I’m sorry that you are in a hurry, but you insisted in paying for your damaged book. You didn’t ask how long it would take before but instead huffed, sighed and tapped your fingers on my counter for 90 seconds it took for me to go through this process. No you can’t write in your own information on the receipt book, I have carbon copies as in my handwriting need to appear on all these copies. No you can’t leave your check, I have to give you a receipt otherwise you might turn around and moan that you didn’t get one and try to get your money back. No you cannot put it on your “tab”. (God I hate when patrons use that word to refer to fines) No, you cannot yank your copy of the receipt out of my book, hands off!
Telling me to hurry up because you have children in the car will not gain you any sympathy from me.
Please tell me why I should cater to your every need because you let your son rip our book, and you have left your children in the car, which is stilling running and parked….in the fire lane!! Perhaps that I have all your information down here, I should inform the police that you have broken a law and endangered your children. DIAF!

I'm so tempted to post this woman's real name on her in hopes for humilating her it isn't even funny! But I love my work and that shit could get me fired.

(Hello I'm new:) Just your regular circulation clerk daily taking patron's abuse)

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 18:41:46 GMT

Look. I'm sorry, but there isn't an English transliteration of tefilin that starts with a D. Unless you were saying "p" and then it would be phylacteries. But since I'm having trouble understanding you, it doesn't help for you to yell at me angrily.

Mostly because it throws me into a panic, but you don't know that, so that part is okay.

Still, it wouldn't hurt for you to be nice.

reserves mofo

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 04:53:37 GMT

Dear CS Major,
You are the 4rth CS major in 30 minutes to come to the our library branch and ask me for your course reserves, you are the umpteenth CS/Math major to come into the library and ask us for reserves.

The reserve catalog clearly states your reserves are in the Math Library. Here, I am showing you the entry. Wait...you are asking us if it is on reserve here, even though I have just showed you that we don't list it as being on reserve. Let me refer you back to the computer screen. Why do I have to keep convincing everyone of you that the reserves aren't here?

Oh, why isn't it on reserve? I think because the math professor thought it would be easier for students to access math information in the math/CS library, which is conveniently located in the math/CS building where the math/CS classes are held.

See me being polite and helpful while screaming mofo over and over again in my head.

I have tissues. I'll even give you the box.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:27:54 GMT

Have you ever wished you could force a patron to blow their nose?

The sniffing is so loud and disgusting that I'm literally getting sick to my stomach.

Kids Make it Better, sometimes

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:55:43 GMT

So it's a dreary, rainy day here. One of our regulars came in with a mess of kids. Turns out her grandkids have one of those year-round school schedules where they're off for 3 weeks at a time. She needed to get them out of the house and brought them to us. Not too bad, the kids stayed, mostly in the kids' area. The youngest one, he couldn't have been more than 6, was absolutely adorable. As they were leaving he was hopping so his spiderman backpack would bounce around. He was very proud of this backpack, by the way.

When I asked if they were leaving he said "Yeah, it's time to go." So I asked where they were going, home? "No! It's time to go to the beach!" Of course it is. Cause it's October and raining, in the midwest. Like the silly, no creativity, lack of imagination adult I am, I said "But it's raining. Won't you get wet?"

He said, with no irony, sarcasm, or meanness, cause he's a kid and that's how they roll, "Of course! We're going to the beach!" He then shot my a quizzical look like, 'What the hee-haw do you do at the beach, lady? Knit? File your taxes? Old people are so funny.'

I couldn't help it but laugh. "Of course you're going to get wet at the beach! What better time than in the rain to go?" His grandma and aunts just cracked up with me. Man kids make everything better.

Who better to ask than the annoyed librarians

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:11:14 GMT

I'm taking a class for career planning in library science and I'm supposed to find some librarians to ask a few questions. Would you be willing to answer them?

1. What is your job title?
2. What do you like about your job?
3. What frustrates you about your job?
4. What would you change at your job?

Thank you for any info you can offer! MUCH MUCH MUCH appreciated!

Jamie

Yes. I would love to catalog your collection of Kirk/Spock slash fiction.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 03:52:25 GMT

From a listserv that I belong to.

I am looking for a university archives that would be interested in the donation of a large (300+) Star Trek fanzines primarily from of the K/S "universe."

In addition I have a large collection of stories published on the internet from about 2001 to the present, that have been printed out and filed in notebooks.

I have approached two universities that I happened to know had a Pop Culture program and both were clearly NOT interested. As I am a retired librarian who is gradually working to downsize my living space I need to get rid of my collection. I could sell most of the zines online to other readers but had hoped to keep the collection together and in a place where it would someday be available to scholars. The hundreds of internet stories will end up in the recycling bin if I can't find a home for them.

If you know of any institution that might be interested in this donation I would greatly appreciate your guidance.

Two reasons I sometimes really, really love the people I work with

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 05:22:09 GMT

One:
Dear whoever at the main branch not only changed the status three carts of weeding that we finished on Wednesday as all still "available" but marked all of our nonfiction between 110 and 150 as "withdrawn": Thanks. Really. Thanks so much. That is exactly what we wanted to do with our weekend, put that all back in order book by book. Asshat.

Two:
I had a woman in earlier today looking for books about "science" and about homosexuality. The former was a hopeless cause, but I got her to tell me that she wanted a book with pictures, preferably with a positive spin on it. I found her an illustrated history of the gay rights movement and a book titled something like "Open Hearts: a celebration of GLBT youth in pictures and stories" in the catalog. We found the illustrated history with no problem. "Open Hearts" had a call number starting in Y and wasn't on the shelf, so I thought it might be over in children's. I took the lady over to children's, where the children's librarian tells us, "Well, we certainly wouldn't have that down here!" as if I had asked her for Madonna's "Sex" book from the '90s.

I might be a little touchy here, since I'm bisexual and just Thursday had to chew my tongue to keep from saying "look, I like girls" to this supremely creepy man who thought that he would win me over by trying to argue with me after I told him that I had no interest in going out with him. I'm not shy of being out, but I'm not fucking stupid about it, either. This is a very conservative part of the state (Cincinnati sneers at us for being weird and prudish, folks). When I don't know who around might hear and complain about that dirty queer making them uncomfortable by being in their wholesome library, I'm not going to make this the hill I die on. But still--gosh, yes, lady. Positive portrayals of people who aren't like you, books about accepting and tolerating people. Terrible things to have in the children's section. Terrible.

Well Timed

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:25:27 GMT

The Vice Presidential Debate will be on Oct 2nd.

The ALA Banned Books Week will be September 27th through October 4th.

Draw your own conclusions.

=D

You're where?

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 05:12:26 GMT

A recent entry reminded me of this - one of my favorite patrons ever. It could be argued, though, that I am the mofo in this story.

Somehow for a time in 2001 I was put in charge of getting people set up with the proxy server to get access to our database subscriptions and all the tech support calls got routed to me. One day I got a call from a woman who was having trouble and she omg really needed this article!!!111 So I looked up her account, and everything was set correctly. I walked her through all the various scenarios. She kept telling me that she used the proxy server all the time and she didn't know why it stopped working. I asked her many times if she had changed anything in her browser or on her computer, and she kept insisting that she hadn't changed ANYTHING. (She sounded like the type who was terrified to, too). The proxy settings were all entered correctly; she read them off to me.

Now, this whole time, she was saying that when she tried to access it, she was getting this error message. But like many people, she couldn't tell me what the error message actually said or recreate the problem so that she could. Finally, after 30 minutes on the phone, I determined that the mysterious message was coming from a third party firewall program I wasn't familiar with. I asked her if she'd changed any settings on her firewall, and she said she didn't know what that was. I asked her again if she'd changed any setting on her computer...any at all. She said no. I asked her if anyone else had access to the computer and could have changed the settings. She said no. Then she asked me to hold on while she checked something.

When she came back, she mentioned that she was checking on her friend's dog. Because she was housesitting. At her friend's house.

Yes, that's right. The whole time, she was using her friend's computer. The one thing I didn't think to ask!