Not to get all wrapped up in personal apperances but....

I'm tired of people assuming that just because I have a mohawk that I'm punk or goth. first off, I dont really consider myself to be anything. Trends and Labels based upon a hair-do  fuckin pisses me off. 

I want to make it loud and clear that I have a mohawk simply because it's convenient / artsy & fun to play around with.
 
No.1  I am  african-american and  My hair happens to be: very coarse, very thick and tangles like a motherfucker. I decided to shave off  most of my hair off so it would make it easier on me in terms of hair care. Not so I could look like a trendy bastard! Trust me, if you had my head of hair you would do egggxactly the same thing.

No.2  What I am is an artsy fartsy bastard,  and though I dont have the credentials.....(yet!) I do consider myself to be a designer and an artist in a lot of forms . Having crazy hair is just a part of me being who I am. I like to experiment with textures/colors length and everything just because i fuckin feel like it.




I had a loonng conversation with solitudeofmind last nite.  Who happens to be my psychiatrist haha jk... a good online friend.

He made me realize that I am the beginning stages of  being arrogant and really selfish. But simply because I  have to be. Over the years I think being arrogant and being selfish is something I have to become ,

In his opinion I  have to be arrogant in order to survive ,honestly and seriously. Being that I am a  different person,  If I dont have an utmost respect for myself. Noone else is going to,  and If I let ppl bring me down much lower (like they have) I am just not going to make it. I have to learn to  be really proud of who I am.

 I already have put myself on the defensive when I come across  people who criticize me or my look. and its because I am black being different . and hell there is a lot I could add to the list but that hits the nail right there.

 I am selfish because I dont  have any friends and I only care about myself. I am too nice & too niave to really have close friends anway.  He also made me realize that I  don't  and will not belong to any groups or have friends (at least not for  verry loong ), because in reality it's far too difficult for me to find a place where I will  fit in because within minutes I'll be ripped savagely apart for speaking my mind,showing my art, showing my sense of fashion or just being me and that also can come in the form of jealousy. Therefore,  I do not put much effort into  groups, making partnerships, friends /gaining respect.  Especially when it comes to the black community. I do not put effort into gaining respect from others  because there's nothing I can do to change their mind anyway! 

I have lost the will to do a lot of things just because people have put me down about it . and yes, it could also be out of jealousy but bottom line is there are a lot of things that used to make me happy ,and its all because some assholes put me down/ or made fun of me that I stopped.

Fashion Illustration
Elegant Gothic Lolita
Drawing/ Digital Art
Writing Stories

I do not partake in any of those things as much as I used to-  or just not at all anymore.Why? Simply because of something some peeps said or beat me up about. Yes, shit happens  and its stupid to let something someone says bother you, but it does hurt , and I've lost the will to do those things. and i'm sure someone will say " well if you love those things you wouldnt let someone stop you from doing them" but its not that easy. When you mentally  get beaten to a pulp about something sometimes you just say its not worth it and give up too easily.So maybe I do need someone to boost and feed my confidence or maybe I do need someone to say o that looks  nice once in awhile because it keeps my engine going.

and i'll continue this little ramble elsewhere because my fingers are getting tired of typing.