Thursday night in Karate class we warmed up with basic kata. To my dismay, I found that not only was I rusty on most beginner katas, I had absolutely no recollection of Hien Yondan. That really opened my eyes to how far I have to go to prepare for my my BB exam.

After kata, we sparred. There is one Purple belt in the class. I admit, I may have had some animosity toward him because he dissed me once, and I admit I might have been a little afraid to let a Purple belt make me look bad, but after watching the superb control of a BB in his drills, I realized I had no excuse for hitting Mr Purple belt in the face. Which is what I did. Hard.

I was embarrassed. He was pissed. He glared at me as I walked by and I knew he would be gunning for me. Sure enough, in the next drill we faced each other again. I hurled myself against him repeatedly, like a bee against glass and after a few moments he hit me in the face. My first thought was "Ok now we're even". I kept attacking. I was exhausted by the time the instructor called my next opponent. My heart sank when I saw it was the BB and I signaled for a break to catch my breath. My mind immediately screamed "What are you doing?! This is just like a real fight. There are no breaks!" and I resumed the drill. Any insights I may have gleaned observing his previous rounds were lost in the haze of adrenaline and fear. He owned me from the beginning. Thank goodness he maintained more control than I showed Mr Purple belt. Midway through the round I became aware that I was experiencing all the old, uncomfortable, sensations I had felt in the few street fights of my youth. That queasy, breathless, fear and adrenaline. I embraced it. I had two more rounds to finish the drill. I didn't let myself quit.

Afterward, I felt really good about the drill. I had actively participated and I realized my ambivalence toward sparring is not from any lack of ability but from the discomfort caused by fear. Quite a revelation.