JOKES

Friday Funnies

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:11:29 GMT

Need some funny office stories to make the day go by faster? Here are a few…

1. Here is the story of Todd D., who thought the grass would be greener by changing jobs to a software developer and publisher.

2. The Associated Press reports on the world’s fastest office chair.

3. An office humor eCard straight from Rattlebox!

4. Buy some Wacky Workplace gifts.

5. Will it be Debra or Jack?

more funnies

Great Lines from Job Evaluations

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

23. He’s so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

25. If he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Error Messages

“The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out…”

“WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.”

“COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key.”

“Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.”

“Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!”

“Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…”

“Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)”

“General Failure’s Fault. Not Yours.”

“Hit any user to continue.”

“Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying.”

“Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.”

“Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.”

“Cannot find REALITY.SYS…Universe Halted.”

Corporate Terminology

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay you enough to expect that you’ll dress nicely.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you’ll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace the three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Ten If’s You Need to Know to Get Along at Work:

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.

3. If it whistles, ignore it.

4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.

5. If it’s the Boss, look busy.

6. If it talks, take notes.

7. If it’s handwritten, type it.

8. If it’s typed, copy it.

9. If it’s copied, file it.

10. If it’s Friday, FORGET IT!!!

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:27:50 GMT

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?
----
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Private Messate

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:16:54 GMT

I'm posting this so that only you can see it.

Shhhh... don't tell anyone... I'm going to go down on you.
You're going to love it when I'm going down. "Don't stop," I hear you whisper.
But I'm only going to go down until it starts to feel good...
As soon as it starts to feel good, I'm going to shoot back up again and fuck you hard.

Lots of love...

Gas Prices

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:06:07 GMT

A man and a woman had been dating for a year. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the expressway in a 50 mph zone, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.

For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:41:47 GMT

At auralchick's request:

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

********

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?"

To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

Little Johnny

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:52:51 GMT

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father
told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would
be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to
meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little
Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny
agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop's
room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over
and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines.
He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy
said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

West Wing Successories

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 20:15:08 GMT

Politics Schmolitics

Funny office terms

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:28:30 GMT

The English language and meanings attached to terms are always changing a fast-paced, technological environment. Sometimes they can be funny.

The following are some terms that we hope will put a smile on your face.

Modern Office Terminology

Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.
Prairie dogging: When something happens in a call centre with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organization layers beginning just above the rank of call centre manager. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.
Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the company’s web browsing rule of conduct.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."
Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
404 Peep: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings

Appraisal Term	Meaning
Average Employee	Not too bright
Exceptionally Well-Qualified	Made no major blunders yet
Active Socially	Drinks a lot
Character Above Reproach	Still one step ahead of the law
Quick Thinking	Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker	Won't make a decision
Plans for advancement	Buys drinks for all the boys/girls
Uses Logic on Difficult jobs	Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well	Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail	A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities	Has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment	Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour	Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded	Back Stabber
Of Great Value to the Organisation	Gets to work on time
Relaxed Attitude	Sleeps at desk
Independent Worker	Nobody knows what he/she does
Loyal	Can't get a job anywhere else

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:29:20 GMT

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said,

"Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it..."

At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together."

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:23:47 GMT

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:36:24 GMT

Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced,

"My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

silly call

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:02:12 GMT

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 18:38:42 GMT

A teenage girl asks her mom,

"Is it true that babies come out from the same place boys put there penis?"

"Yes" replied her mother.

"Holy shit, mom, won't that break my jaw??"

Dog Dictionary-Part 1

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 19:26:12 GMT

*Dog Bed: Any soft , clean surface , such as the white
bedspread in the guest room of the newly upholstered
couch in the living room.

*Drool: What you do when your human has food and
you don’t. To do this properly, you must sit as close
as you can, look sad, and let the drool fall on their
shoes, or better yet, on their lap.

*Garbage can: An aromatic container that your neighbors
put out once a week to test your ingenuity.
Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off. If you
do it right, you are rewarded with paper to shred,
bones to consume, and stale pieces of bread to scatter
throughout the neighborhood.

*Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling
you to lead your human everywhere you want him
or her to go.

*Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other
dog’s rear end and inhale deeply; repeat several
times, or until your human makes you stop.

Performance Reviews

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 19:18:35 GMT

These quotations were allegedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large American corporation.

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom . . . and started to dig.”

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been,’ but more of a ‘won’t be.’”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“ A gross ignoramus— 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches fifty, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get back change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“It’s hard to believe he beat a million other sperm to the egg.”

“One neuron short of a synapse.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, others only gargle.”

Full Service Shopping

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 19:17:12 GMT

Jacob, 85, and Rebecca, 79, were excited about their upcoming wedding. Out for a stroll, they stopped at a drugstore.
Jacob said to the pharmacist, “Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Off course we do”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitively.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely”
Jacob: “You have loose bowel and gas pills?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, with plenty of generics.”
Jacob: “What about paraphernalia for diabetes?”
Pharmacist: “Of course. You name any condition, and we have what you need.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

Aliens Successories

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 17:06:23 GMT

Naturally, we all knew the "Aliens versus Predator" movies were going to happen sooner or later...

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:46:12 GMT

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:43:24 GMT

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?"

"Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:11:20 GMT

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:31:43 GMT

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&Item=280253868175&Category=15687

10 dollars off the original price.

Cat Quotes

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:01:41 GMT

Cats are smarter than dogs, You can’t get 8 cats to pull a sled through snow.

From a cat’s perspective, all things belong to cats.

One cat just leads to another.

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

Cats are delicate creatures subject to a good many ailments,
but none of them suffer from insomnia.

People who hate cats come back as mice in their next life.

There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats.

Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.

Cats base their actions on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want.

Cats aren’t clean; they’re just covered with cat spit.

Linux humor from xkcd

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:19:37 GMT

Is Windows a virus?

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:14:40 GMT

Viruses replicate quickly
OK, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system.
OK, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
OK, Windows does that, too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs.
Sigh... Windows DLL's and "upgrades" do that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses run on most systems and hardware
Viruses program code is fast, compact and efficient
Viruses are easily installed without the user needing to do work
Viruses tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

]

Die Hard Successories

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 16:48:26 GMT

Yippee ki yay!