A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a pee. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot."

"What’s the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Green Bay Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Kids' Ideas About Science
Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

"You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

"Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

"Isn't inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"

"The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

"Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

"Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

"South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

"Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."

"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

"There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

"There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."

"Lime is a green-tasting rock."

"Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

"Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."

"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."

"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

"To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."

"Clouds are high flying fogs."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

"Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

"Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."

"Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."

"We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."

"Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

"In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."

"Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."

"The wind is like the air, only pushier."

"A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

"A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."

"A monsoon is a French gentleman."

"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

"It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."

"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

 A college Professor decided to request an essay in answering an unusual question on an unusual subject.


Question: What is the current temperature in Hell?


One student's essay stood out.

( Read more... )

The first two of these questions have been troubling me from a long time now and the last two came up today as a result of a news:

1. By any means, by any chance, can there be any trace of reality outside the Internet also?

2. There is a big wall clock four feet above the monitor of my computer. If I move the mouse cursor to the tip of the minute arm of the clock and press the left button of the mouse, will time stop?  

3. In their mission of implementation of the teachings of the ancient, holy Quran, Shariya, and Hadith and for accelerating the Islamisation of the world, Talibans in the holy land of Pakistan are now recruiting small kids to turn them into terrorists and to use them as suicide bombers. Don't they know that child labor and child abuse are prohibited these days?

4. How did you feel when you killed a human being for the first time?

Q: What do Emmanuel Lewis and I have in common?
A: We're both sick of fucking Michael Jackson.

The Attitude family who lived in Missouri had two sons. One was a complete optimist and the other a complete pessimist--both twins otherwise. It seemed nothing could change the outlook of the two boys.

One Xmas holiday, the parents decided they would do something different. So when it came time to open the presents, they escorted their pessimist son into a separate room where his presents were to be opened. There were hundreds of beautifully wrapped gifts stacked clear to the ceiling. The pessimist began unwrapping them. Tearing and ripping wrapping paper and throwing it in every direction. Just as quickly as he would unwrap one present, he would move on to the next giving no thought of thankfulness to the one he'd just opened. Finally, he had unwrapped the last one and exclaimed: "Is that all I get? I never get anything that I really want. Why is it nothing is ever right for me? I'm not happy!"

The second boy, the optimist, was then escorted into another room where he was to receive his Xmas. When he entered, the room was piled high with horse shit. There was horse shit on the floor. There was horse shit on the furniture. There was even horse shit on the walls. The parents were curious because the boy was smiling from ear to ear at seeing all the horse shit and not a wrapped present in sight.

"Why are you smiling so much? You appear to be happy!" They exclaimed.

The boy looked around and exclaimed: "Well, it is obvious with all this horse shit there has to be a pony here somewhere."

The moral: When all you see in life is horse shit, just realize that there has to be a pony somewhere if you just look for it. May all success, joy, happiness, peace, abundance and love be yours and mine.

Hugs and Love

Mistress Renata

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.  You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. and the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

Q: What's the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?
A: Little boys liked to pin Farrah to the wall...

(Too soon?)

The letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.

"Dear Faculty and Students, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said 'fuck you'. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Agnes"

Dear white, something you got to know.。
When I was born, I was black.
When I grow up, I am black.
When I'm under the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm afraid, I'm black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
When I die, I'm still black.
you---white people,
When you were born, you were pink.
When you grow up, you become white.
You're red under the sun.
You're blue when you're cold.
You are yellow when you're afraid.
You're green when you're sick.
You're gray when you die.
And you, call me "color"?

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send
you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied,
'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

Two aliens land on earth in front of a gas station. They approach a pump and one of the aliens says, "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, says nothing.

The alien demands again, "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump still does nothing.

The alien pulls out his laser gun and says, "Last chance. Take me to your leader!"

The alien's buddy says, "I wouldn't do that..."

The first alien ignores the advice and blasts away, causing a huge explosion, knocking both of them back 500 feet.

After they pick themselves up, the first alien asks, "How did you know that was gonna happen?"

The buddy says, "Any creature that can wrap his dick around himself twice and stick it in his ear is someone you don't want to fuck with."

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

Whats the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on the taxman?


If you get caught, the taxman will still want to screw you.

-------------------------------------------------
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Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

A ten-year-old girl from Wisconsin attended a Presidential town hall meeting. Her father joked that she was cutting class to attend and the President wrote her a "pardon" for cutting class.

I suppose they still observe corporal punishment in Green Bay.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.


-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------



A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

There's a stay-at-home housewife with three children: A three-year-old girl, a seven-year-old girl, and a 13-year-old boy.

One day, the mother is making a batch of brownies while the kids are all underfoot. The boy had a handful of BB's and accidentally spills them into the brownie mix. The mother is a little oblivious and doesn't notice as she stirs, then bakes the brownies.

A little while later, the brownies are done and the kids eat and have a ball. About a half-hour after that, the three-year-old comes running from the downstairs bathroom. "Mommy, I was peeing and BB's shot out. Ohhh, it hurts, Mommy!"

Mother's a little bit scared at the thought when the seven-year-old runs down from the upstairs bathroom. "Mommy, I was peeing and BB's shot out of me. It hurts!!!"

Mother's really worried now when the boy emerges from upstairs. "Mom..." Mother says, "Let me guess. You're peeing BB's, too?"

The boy says, "No, Mom! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

The wife was complaining that she couldn't sleep with my snoring.
So I went to the Pharmacist and bought this new snoring mask, its great!
You can wrap it on your wife's face and you can't hear her fucking complain.

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs,?a slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines.? "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.? It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "a bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"? He declines. "The Viagra," he
says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

The REAL Old West


A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in
his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun
in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well,
for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie
the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the
young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped
out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more
tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your
holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a
smoother draw"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the
younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood
up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink
off the piano player

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin'
here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the
saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your
gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of
the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over
the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the
young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets
done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up
your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

After years of research,scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

(  Reviews and More! )

My wife was really unhappy with my mood swings, so she bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

I thought this a "funny" sticker and most appropriate.

WARNING I am posting some jokes behind this cut that some of you may find offensive. So before anyone starts the flamming and name calling bullshit drama. Remember you have been warned in advance that the jokes behind this cut may be offensive to you!! No one is forcing you to read any further. With that said, read at your own risk!!

( Read more... )

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

While this video may not be a "joke" it's damned funny. And makes my spouse say "I'm glad we're having a boy"
It's work safe, but may have everyone in the office peeing their pants.

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks
"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome
with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to
pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me
to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at
me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, Cowboy..."

"And here I am."

---

"In this moment, I KNOW that Divine Mind and I are One. There is no separation and no distance. In this Oneness I come to see that everything is possible. So let the healing begin. Right now, I AM the perfect weight of between 180-190 pounds. Right now, my body accepts what my mind tells it to be true. I AM That, I Am."

Hugs and Love

Mistress Renata

"We believe that the Universal Spirit....operates through a Universal Mind, which is the Law of Principle; and that we are surrounded by this Creative Mind which receives the direct impress of our thought and acts upon it. We believe in the healing of the sick through the power of this Mind. We believe in the changing of conditions through the power of this Mind." --Ernest Holmes

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
Man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

---

"In this moment, I KNOW that Divine Mind and I are One. There is no separation and no distance. In this Oneness I come to see that everything is possible. So let the healing begin. Right now, I AM the perfect weight of between 180-190 pounds. Right now, my body accepts what I affirm to be true. I AM That, I Am."

Hugs and Love

Mistress Renata

"We believe that the Universal Spirit....operates through a Universal Mind, which is the Law of Principle; and that we are surrounded by this Creative Mind which receives the direct impress of our thought and acts upon it. We believe in the healing of the sick through the power of this Mind. We believe in the changing of conditions through the power of this Mind." --Ernest Holmes

It's a really big joke. His name is vivakepathak.

He posts non-jokes to a jokes community. Then deletes comments that are actual jokes. Try deleting this one, bitch.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Know how they found and ID'd swine flu patient zero?

Someone squealed.

There are reports that Swine Flu may cross with Avian Flu.
The medical profession has retorted with "yeah, and pigs might fly"


(...but I think maestrodog has posted the better one.)

( Also, if you care about DreamWidth at all... )