The MST Community for Stinky Fanfic

MSTing - "Moonlight By The River" - LOTR (Aragorn X Legolas) Chapter 1

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:37:36 GMT

Howdy!

I'm rather distraught to see that there have been no new posts to this community since May 2007. MSTing seems to be a dying art form, but my interest has been revived recently thanks to my obsession with the TV series (as well as classic online MST projects, such as the various "Marissa" stories by Stephen Ratliff - this Wikipedia article sums the whole thing up nicely). Rather than create a new community out of the blue I figured I'd try to wrestle up some activity in this one.

First, a bit of preamble about how I do MSTings:

I always use the characters from the television series. In case you're not familiar with them (I wasn't when I first started MSTing oh so many years ago), here they are:

Tom Servo: Robot. Looks like a small red (empty) gumball machine with a little metal beak. Tends to sing sometimes. Head occasionally explodes.
Crow: Also a robot. Looks like a strange golden stick man with a... well, crow-like face. Prone to slightly dirtier jokes. As it says in the show's theme song, "I'm different!"
Mike Nelson: Human. Wears a vaguely futuristic jump suit. Has a great "smooth announcer" voice. Sort of den-mother-like to the 'bots.

These characters are trapped on the "Satellite of Love", being forced to watch bad movies by various evil scientists (and/or their overbearing mothers.) There are also "host segments" before or after commercials, which authors sometimes write as well - these are just the antics of Mike and the bots between movie segments. I'm not as good at them so I tend to throw one in at the start of a fic and just let the riffing go from there. If you're not into that, just scroll down until you see the bold text - that's where the MSTing really begins.

And now a brief disclaimer:

This story remains the property of its author. No hard feelings are intended by this review - if this is YOUR story and you think I'm being a big fat meanie, comment politely to that effect and I'll happily take it down. Also, there is some "mature" content both in the story and in the riffing. Nothing TOO brazen, but still. It's a story about people wanting to do the humpdy-hump with each other. If you're on LJ you're supposed to be 13, and I'm PRETTY sure you can handle it.

Great. Now that THAT's out of the way, I bring you Moonlight By The River

[MST3K Theme from late season 5]

[The scene opens to TOM and CROW playing a board game with little metal figurines of various size and shape]

TOM: Hmmm...
CROW: Would you make a move already?
TOM: What, and ruin the suspense?

[MIKE wanders onscreen behind them]

MIKE: Oh, hello everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love, where Tom and Crow seem to be having a friendly game of chess.
TOM: Actually, Mike, we're not playing chess.
MIKE: Oh... well, what are you playing?
CROW: Well Mike, we call this "Loser's Chess".
MIKE: Loser's chess? What's that?
TOM: You see, Mike, the object of the game is to corner your king into checkmate by coercing, swindling, bribing and tricking your opponent. Like so. [makes a move on the board]
CROW: Awwh! Your knight is completely cornered by my pawns. [sighs and takes the piece away]
MIKE: Gee, it must take forever to play a game like that.
TOM: Indeed it does, Mike. Our current game has been going on for... what's the tally, Crow?
CROW: [glancing at a "wrist" watch] Two hundred and sixty four hours and thirty nine minutes.
TOM: Which, when you think about it, isn't really much different from our normal chess games.
MIKE: Well, sorry to interrupt your game, fellas, but it's about time we got in touch with the Mads.

[the line opens up and there is nobody there at first. They all look around at each other, confused. Then an automated Professor's voice starts up]

"Hello! And thank you for calling! The Mad (and devastatingly handsome) Scientist you are trying to reach is unavailable at the moment."

CROW: So no fanfiction tonight?
TOM: I think it's time to start singing!
ALL: Haaaalelujah! Haaaalelujah!

"Stop singing, you nitwits!"

ALL: [stop singing]

"You didn't think I would leave you without your daily dose, did you? No no no, I've left you with a particularly dubious slab of fanfiction called "Moonlight by the River."

TOM: Sounds wonderful.
CROW: Moonlight AND a river?!
MIKE: Moonlight BY the river.
CROW: Oh, right. That changes everything.

"Quiet! It is of a particularly virulent genre known as "Slash" fiction."

ALL: *shudder*

"And is set in the Lord of the Rings universe, ostensibly after a certain blockbuster trilogy was released."

ALL: *violent shudder*

"And the author calls herself "Ice and Fire Vanessa", in case you had any doubts as to its quality! Thank you, good night, and have an awful tomorrow."

CROW: Aww rats, and I was just about to lose my second rook.

[Alarms sound, the lights flicker]

ALL: We've got fanfic sign!

[All duck out of the way as the camera zooms in and the hatch swings open]

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[All take their seats in the theatre]

Disclaimer: I dare not claim anything but the plot of this particular fic

Tom: How humble.
Mike: [as author] I dare not claim anything that might be *good* in this fic...

- but I wished Legolas was mine though. . .*stares dreamily*.

Crow: [sigh] Don't we all...
Tom: Don't *they* all, you mean.
Crow: [shiftily] Yeah...

Synopsis:

Elves, if they are lucky, manage to find their true mates in their lifetimes. Legolas makes an astonishingly shocking discovery who his is but will he ever tell a dark-haired king-ranger?

Tom: Aragorn, King of the Rangers.
Mike: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Or will he chose to follow a band of elves who dare not profess their love for a mortal?
Can the difference between their races stop Legolas from admitting he likes Aragorn?

Crow: [Legolas]: Aragorn, I... I kinda like you.
Tom: [Aragorn]: You mean, *like* me like me?

Read And Review. . .

Tom: Since you asked so nicely...

***********************************************

Crow: I'm seeing stars!
Tom: It's like being beaten over the head with stupid!
Mike: Calm down, guys, we're just getting started here.

A gentle breeze swayed the deep green leaves on a tree. If one looked close enough, I could make out the distinct slender figure of an elf perched in the midst of all the leaves.

Crow: [Legolas] Chirp?

Legolas was in a very relaxed mood as he stretched out languidly, ignoring the fact that probably half of his elves were out of their minds just searching for their prince.

Tom: Just yearning, *yearning* for their prince...

He yawned slightly, a very human act he had learnt just by spending a few weeks with Aragorn, the human King.

Tom: Aragorn had wanted to teach him about some *other* very human acts...
Crow: Legolas didn't take so well to Aragorn's "make farting sounds with armpit" lessons.

Speak of the devil, Legolas jolted awake as he thought of the raven-haired King.

Tom: He knew he couldn't hide forever.
Crow: Aragorn would find him, and threaten him with...
Tom & Crow: His LONGSWORD!
Mike: Guys...

For every single hour since they had parted, Legolas had an aching feeling in his heart.

Tom: How he missed Aragorn's life-saving CPR sessions.
Crow: He's faking the chest pains to get mouth-to-mouth!

He now pressed a pale hand against his tunic-covered chest in a curious gesture to figure out what was happening to his heart.

Mike: He sighed, his pale bosom heaving...
Crow: [Legolas]: I think I have the vapours!

There was a fluttery feeling that made him get slightly alarmed - were elves supposed to get fluttery feelings in their hearts?

Crow: He had a fluttery feeling in his pants. Were elves supposed to get fluttery feelings in their pants?
Mike: Not according to Tolkein.
Tom: And according to Bakshi, nobody has *pants*, either!

Maybe it was just a passing illness - but did elves get illnesses?

Mike: Which basic fact about his own race will Legolas be unaware of next? Stay tuned!

Perhaps it was time to consult the Lady Galadriel, maybe he should visit her someday, and Legolas made up his mind to ask the older elf about fluttery hearts and such.

Tom: [Galadriel] You see, Legolas, when two elves love each other very much...

But talking about Aragorn did make Legolas look dreamily at the leafy canopy.

Crow: Talking to himself about Aragorn always made him look at leaves.
Tom: [Legolas] I love you, leafy canopy!
Mike: Were elves supposed to look dreamily at leafy canopies?

He missed the mellow, authoritative voice, the shoulder-length black tresses and the eyes.
The piercing eyes which seemed to seek out every secret Legolas kept.

Mike: [Aragorn] I know where you keep the key to your diary.
Tom: [Legolas, sobbing] I used to wet my bed when I was five!

What mellow voice, Legolas slapped himself in shock as he remembered whom he was thinking about.

Tom: He knew it was wrong to fantasize about the milk man, but he was so... so *punctual*...

It was wrong of an elf - not to say, a male elf - and to add, a male elf-prince to be thinking of a human male king in such a way!

Tom: Wait, how many people are involved, here?
Mike: So an elf, a male elf, and a male elf-prince walk into a bar...

Besides, Legolas was sure that someday, he would be married to some female elf like Arwen who would then bear his little elf children and take care of them when he went for ambassador-trips to other elf kingdoms.

Mike: And they'd eat their elf breakfasts and go to elf school and play elf games.
Tom: Oh great, so first he's fantasizing about Aragorn, then he's fantasizing about Aragorn's girlfriend. I don't like where this is going.
Crow: Three way! *bow chika wow*

How could he have had such highly-improper thoughts about his fellow warrior?!

Crow: You know, maybe you should talk to your author about that.

A trumpet noise nearly made Legolas fall off the branch in alarm.
'Hail Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood!' a male voice shouted loud and clear and Legolas reluctantly slid down from his comfortable spot on the tree, to leap lightly down onto the ground as he faced human messengers.

Mike: So, how'd they find him, anyway?
Tom: They were just shouting at random trees until a Legolas fell out of one.

'Yes yes, what is it you want with me now?'

Crow: [Legolas]: Pish posh, I have no time for your petty games. *examines manicure*

Legolas was in no mood to play the niceties and curtly asked as he eyed the two messengers,

Mike: Already eyeing other men? Legolas, you tart!

one holding a trumpet, the other holding an envelope sealed with a royal seal from the human kings.

Tom: All two of them.
Mike: Wait, this is after the trilogy, right? What would Eomer want with Legolas?
Crow: [Eomer]: Dear elf. I still don't like you, and my strawberry blonde hair is prettier than yours. P.S: I know you're hot for Gimli, don't try to deny it.

Don't tell me it's that Aragorn, Legolas groaned inwardly in frustration.

Tom: [Legolas] Psh, he is SO ten seconds ago.

'Prince of Mirkwood, out great king Aragorn son of Arathorn sends an invitation to you. If you please, Prince,' the envelope was handed very politely to Legolas and he extended a white arm to take it.

Crow: The edge of the envelope sliced through his porcelain skin like a knife through butter.
Tom: And he died of blood loss. The end.

He opened the envelope and read the letter with an arched eyebrow.

Mike: Were elves supposed to read letters with their eyebrows?

'Legolas - Prince of Mirkwood,

Tom: Not that OTHER Legolas.

Dark times we met, and now in fair weather I invite you to my kingdom for our old gathering of friends. Please do not prepare anything for during your stay, everything shall be prepared by our people.

Crow: Yay, sleepover!

I trust you will come on the week after the full moon.

Tom: After that *time of the month*, if you know what I mean.

King Aragorn'

Legolas pursued the letter for another few times before he

Mike: … realized that it was tied to a string, the other end of which was in Aragorn's hand.
Tom: [Aragorn] Ha! Gotcha!

relented and reluctantly sent the messengers back with a 'Very well, I accept, now, be off with you,'. He sighed, if he was travelling by foot, he would need to start his journey the next day. He would have to spend tonight preparing a gift for Aragorn.

Tom: *sigh* Humans are so NEEDY.
Crow: The macaroni collage he made last time had left something to be desired.

*************************************************

The next day

Mike: Now *there's* a transition you can tell the grandkids about.

Legolas sprang lightly among the trees, his bunch of arrows clattering pleasantly behind him and he held the elvish garment for Aragorn firmly under one arm. His silver-blonde hair was neatly braided as usual and caught the shimmer of the sunlight once or twice for he bounded too fast in and out of the trees.

Crow: Bounce bounce bounce! Tee hee!
Tom: Legolas as a blond, braided jack rabbit.

He had been travelling for twelve hours straight and now he regretted being so nimble and quick in step for he was one day ahead of his planned time.

Crow: It's hard being so gosh darned awesome all the time.
Mike: I gotta say, I'm really feeling for him.

He would have to find a place to linger about for a day whilst he journeyed. His mind flicked through possible resting spots which were of entertainment also and he decided upon the city of Galadhrim where he could both rest and be near other elves.

Tom: Then he remembered that they got rid of the mini golf last summer.
Crow: [Legolas] Aw man, this trip sucks already. Sucks sucks sucks.

He looked at the horizon. The blood-red sun was soon setting, and darkness would soon engulf the whole area. He needed to veer off course eastwards now if he wanted to get there by an hour after sunset.

Tom: When the red light district really kicked into high gear.

*************************************************

Galadhrim

Mike: Bless you.

'Welcome, young Legolas,' the Lord Celeborn was tending to some business so Lady Galadriel welcomed him and brought him into the guest quarters they had.

Tom: 'Welcome,' Celeborn *didn't* say…
Crow: I gotta say, it's a novel move in sentence structure.

It was hard to believe she was even older than him, Legolas thought as he studied her golden braids and youthful face in admiration.

Mike: [Legolas] Really, you don't look a day over six thousand.

'Here is your room, Legolas. Rest well and eat well tonight,' she patted him on the shoulder and left him alone. Legolas sprang lightly upon the bed

Crow: [Galadriel] AND NO JUMPING ON THE BED.
Tom: [Legolas] *crossing arms and rolling eyes* Yes MOM.

and gazed out of the window. A beautiful moon, white and pure, dimmed the shimmer of the stars as it hung up in the sky. Legolas soon found himself thinking along the lines of a certain ranger lying naked by the riverbed.

Mike: Non-sequitor much?
Crow: Aargh! The image! My brain!

'Aargh,' he clenched his fists and unclenched them

Crow: My sentiments exactly!

in a bid to self-reprove as he curtly told the little voice in his mind to shut up and mind it's own business and let him lead a normal male elf's life properly.
He had been having disturbing and alarming dreams for the past nights.

Mike: [Legolas] Okay, gotta lay off the lambas bread before bed.

It was not something to be laughed off, Legolas frowned, they had been rather sensual and tempting. Mostly were of Aragorn, nakedly bathed in moonlight by the river. 'This is wrong, Legolas, wrong,' Legolas rapped himself hard on the head, trying to get such vividly graphic images out of his mind.

Tom: Don't do that, there won't be anything left in there!
Mike: [knocking on Tom's head] *You're* one to talk.
Tom: Hey, it's not *my* fault we ran out of gum balls sometime back in season one.

He ended up berating himself harshly while he lay on the feathery bed to sleep, his bright eyes penetrating the darkness as he slept.

Crow: His eyes are attacking the darkness!
Mike: [muffled, as though from another room] Anyone want a mountain dew?!

And he immediately regretted his choice to sleep for he had a taste of one of the most erotically-disturbing dreams he ever had about Aragorn.

*******************************************

Crow: Wait, a transition without a header? Oh no. Ohhh no no no.
Mike: You don't think we're…
Tom: About to see his 'erotically-disturbing dreams'?

The night was silent. Legolas treaded softly upon the fallen leaves effortlessly, his lips thinned into a fine line as if he knew what was laying in wait for him. He heard the rhythmic rushing noise of stream and river waters as he approached the edge of the river and let out a gasp.

Mike: Yep.
Tom: Hang on, folks, this is gonna be a bumpy ride…
Crow: Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.

The shimmering moonlight had fallen upon a single figure which lay sprawled out in a very seductive manner, extremely desirable and delicious-looking.

Crow: Unfortunately, he was dead.
Tom: How does one *sprawl* seductively, exactly? Let alone deliciously?

The moonlight caressed the dark hair of Aragorn as he lounged languidly by the river, keeping his eyes firmly fixed upon Legolas.

Tom: Aragorn, you skank, looking at him like that while the moonlight is caressing your hair!
Mike: [announcer voice] Tonight at the Garden, Legolas vs The Moonlight.

The moonlight which lit up the dark waters of the river made them lap at the figure of Aragorn. Legolas felt the fluttery feeling in his heart again and curiously pressed a hand upon his heart.

Crow: … which he had wrenched out of his chest cavity in a fit of passion.
Tom: [Legolas] Okay, now let's see what the… problem… is… *falls over*

Was it Aragorn who was making his heart flutter like a nightingale?

Mike: He kept teasing it with delicious, delicious worms.

Legolas was roused from his elfish thoughts as Aragorn stretched out a hand.

'Come, Legolas,'

ALL: AAAAH!!
Crow: So much for foreplay...

the husky voice made Legolas shudder slightly as he felt himself walk, enthralled and completely lost in Aragorn's handsome face.

Tom: [Legolas] Um, hello? I seem to be lost in your face!
Mike: Take a left turn at the nostrils.

Legolas had lost all subtlety as he approached the lounging ranger and knelt down next to the mortal. The harsh breath of the ranger, full of desire and temptation, roared through Legolas' mind.

Crow: *cowardly lion roar*
Tom: Legolas got da noive!

'You are beautiful,' Legolas had always been called words like [pretty], [adorable] and [beautiful],

Tom: Why are those words in brackets?
Mike: Maybe this is a mad-lib fic.
Crow: Ooh, ooh! Let me try. Uhh… [languid], [weak-in-constitution] and [boring]!
Tom: My turn, my turn! Um, [pale], [effeminate] and [air-headed]!
Crow: You do one, Mike.
Mike: I don't know…
Tom: Aww, c'mon Mike, don't be such a party pooper.
Crow: Yeah Mike, everybody's doin' it.
Mike: Well, all right…. Let's see… how about [annoying], [whiny] and [screamingly out-of-character]?
Tom: Well done!
Mike: Yeah, that was fun! What did you think, Crow?
Crow: Yeah… it was all right. I mean… y'know. Good try.

but this certain compliment caught him off guard as he gave a shy smile and then replaced it with a pretty smile.

Mike: Legolas does his "Mr. Potato Head" impersonation.

He knew that many elves and mortals thought he was a girl at first glance, well, let them think he was one for all he cared.

Tom: It's that bodice he's wearing, always gives people the wrong impression.

'Thank you,' he prettily smiled again. Aragorn was watching him like a predator watching its prey, ever so keen and sharp.

Crow: Man, the sexual tension's gonna go right out the window when he rips out Legolas' jugular vein with his teeth.

'Don't mention it,' with a swift, quick movement that Legolas never calculated, Aragorn had Legolas pinned roughly to the ground. Aragorn now raised a finger and traced Legolas' jaw line.

Tom: Woah, you called it, Crow.

The finger slid to Legolas' neck and two hands deftly unclasped the dark green cloak Legolas wore. 'Fair little elf,' Aragorn leaned down and whispered next to Legolas' ear, making the elf squirm slightly as strong fingers slid down his naked chest, stroking the pale skin underneath.

Crow: The skin *underneath* his naked chest?
Mike: Ew.

His shirt was completely prised opened in the darkness.

What happened next was all a blur to Legolas

Tom: Oh thank GOD.
Crow: Saved by the blur!

- fingers running teasingly to and fro on his creamy skin. . .a hot mouth covering his in the moonlight as things swirled around them . . .a subtle moan of pleasure

Mike: A less subtle physical reaction within his trousers…

. . .the soft murmuring of his name over and over again. . . gentle caresses which sent shivers down his spine. . .

****************************************

Crow: You know, I suddenly have a certain respect for those stars.
Tom: Tell me about it.

Legolas knew self-control when he wanted to and he jerked himself

ALL: AAAAAAAAUGH!!!

out of the dream, gasping and praying that no elf had seen him in such an aroused state.

Tom: No elf.
Crow: Nobody but us chickens.

It was humiliating - to be gasping and panting over a sleep like a mortal. Legolas had only seen Aragorn do so once or twice during the Fellowship. Aragorn had appeared highly embarrassed when Legolas had looked pointedly at him curiously.

Crow: Someone needs to explain the phenomenon of wet dreams to ol' Leggy, here.

'I need to walk about, then these bad dreams will go away,' Legolas might have been 3000 years old, but he had the mind of an innocent child sometimes.

Mike: By "innocent child" they mean "spoiled teenage girl."
Crow: And by "sometimes" they mean "constantly."

He convinced himself childishly that a walk was all he needed. He slipped out of the room into the gardens.

He was just blending against the shadows when he heard a soft voice, 'Legolas, what ails you so, young elf?'

Tom: Quit calling me young, I'm three thousand and a HALF, thank you very much.

Turning behind, he saw the Lady Galadriel, as beautiful as ever, smiling softly at him as she flicked a stray leaf from his tresses. Legolas was momentarily tongue-tied - well, he couldn't quite say that he had a dream about Strider. He settled on a neutral, 'It's a beautiful night,'

Mike: [Legolas] I *hate* beautiful nights.

'And so are you, young prince. But your face is troubled. You need guidance,' the Lady Galadriel spoke gently as her eyes searched his.

Crow: Legolas' eyes felt so violated as hers pressed them up against that cold brick wall and searched them.

'Nay, I shall not trouble my Lady,' Legolas declined as politely as he could. He was worried she might laugh at him. Besides, Strider was a simple matter, he tried to shove the matter aside as he locked eyes with the elf-queen once again.

Tom: [Galadriel] Look, you're waking up the neighborhood with your moaning. Can I introduce you to the concept of carefree, casual sex?

'Since you decline guidance, I shall not press you, young Legolas. But know, Prince of Mirkwood, that you are free to approach me anytime. In the meantime, I desire to show you something,' she extended a hand and guided him to her quarters, leaving no space for argument as she held his hand in hers firmly.

Crow: You… uh… called it, Tom?
Tom: I hope not, I really hope not.

Once they got into her quarters, they entered a room decorated far beyond any other beauty. She opened a cupboard and extended two fair arms to carry out a basin. It was full of a silvery substance-liquid which made occasional lapping on the sides of the basin. The queen set it upon a table and gently led him forwards.

Mike: [Galadriel] It's mercury. Don't let it get into any open wounds.

'Young Legolas Greenleaf,' she said softly as she made him stand before the basin, 'This basin shows an elf's mate. You do know about elf mates, don't you?'

Crow: [Australian accent] G'day, elf mates! Throw another lambas bread on the barbee!

Legolas nodded. Elves had each a mate. Every elf would meet his or her mate one day but some never knew who theirs was. Being able to identify one's true mate was the greatest fortune of an elf. Many elves never knew who their mates were. To have a basin which could reveal who it was was truly a fortune, but Legolas had a suspicion he did not want to know at all.

Tom: [Legolas] Aw man, it's totally going to be Cindy Pinkus from third grade, I KNOW it.

'Then see for yourself who it is - I thought it might be of guidance to your troubled elf heart,'

Mike: [Galadriel] Because that's the only thing you could possibly be worried about, naturally.
Crow: [Legolas] Okay okay, here's what's really bothering me. I've got this rash…

Legolas knew there was no room to back away and he fearfully stared into the basin. For a second, all he saw was a beautiful young male elf, currently wearing a fearful expression.

Tom: [Legolas] *gasp* He's BEAUTIFUL! Can I get him in brunette?

Then, the elf vanished and was replaced by a figure. The figure was blurred at first, but the image soon sharpened to reveal a man.

Mike: A Stetson man.

The man in the image had his back facing Legolas. But Legolas had no desire to know who he was for he already knew.

Crow: Legolas hated knowing things. It was bad for his complexion.

And then the man turned around and Legolas stumbled back in confusion mixed with despair. Shoulder-length black hair, rugged looks. . .

Tom: Sirius Black.
Crow: Great! A dimensional rift would add some spice to this fic.

Strider - Aragorn, son of Arathorn.

Mike: Arwen goes out for a pint of milk and just look what happens.
Crow: Soul-mate snatching – it could happen to you!

**********************************

This is my first attempt at Lord of the Rings slash. Hopefully it's halfway decent - review, ok?

Love,

Ice And Fire Vanessa

Tom: Wait, that's the end?
Crow: I think it's the first chapter.
Mike: Where's the rest of it?
Tom: Shh! Don't jinx it, just get me outta here.

[Mike picks up Tom and the three exit the theatre]

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That's all for now. If anybody is alive here I might keep going with the rest of the story.

G'night!

Sun, 20 May 2007 04:13:21 GMT

Ah look the second chapter in my Twlight MST!

Edward: Bella! Bella, hurry over here!

Bella: What, Edward? *stomps in*

Edward: You’re so slow! *sticks out tongue*

Bella: *rolls eyes* What is it?

Edward: *grins* Our story has been updated!

Bella: That’s what you rushed me over for? That brain melting fic?

Edward: *pouts lip* Yes…

Bella: Fine. What’s next?

CHAPTER 2

Alice POV!

“EDWARD ANTHONY MASON CULLEN! Get your ass down here now!” I heard him come running he knew not to ignore me when I was angry.

“Hey Alice what’s wrong with you?” (A/N Alice has blocked her mind peeps

Bella: Mind peeps? What the hell is a mind peep?

so no he cannot hear) How dare he ask me this?

Edward: When did fic!me ever ask anything? *re-reads*

Bella: *points up*

Edward: Oh, I was distracted by the whole peeps idea.

Bella: I see.

“What have you done wrong?

Bella: A lot of things…

Edward: Hey!

You and that little whore upstairs! Bella came and Edward

Edward: *cough* comma *cough*

she was going to tell you yes and she saw you! How could you do that to her?” He looked at me and fell to the floor.

Bella: Wait, what? He fell to the floor?

“Why did you do it Edward?”

“I don’t know Alice she was just sitting there one minute and the next I felt that all I wanted to be with her

Edward: Wait, I thought fic!me fell to the floor.

like she was the only thing that mattered!”

Edward: This is the worst impression of me ever! I wouldn’t just go around er…doing girls.

Bella: *glares* Even the ones that really want you to.

Edward: Bella, you know I love you!

Bella: Hmmph.

That little slut I am going to rip her brunette hair out of her scalp oh yes. (A/N I know this bit will be a little OOC but Alice and Bella are best mates and I know from personal experience that you want to defend your mates! Plus it was fun to write!)

Bella: Where are all the commas? There hasn’t been one yet.

“Carmen you little whore get your slutty ass down her right now I am gonna rip you to shreds!”

Edward: Wait, when did we figure out her name?

Bella: *looks through pages* *shrugs*

I saw her walk down the stairs and was about to dive on her little head when Jasper grabbed me and pulled me back.

Edward: Did I spy a comma? Nope, false alarm.

“Yes Ally what do you want?”

“Oh your gonna get it bitch you know how much Edward loves Bella and just cos you cant get yourself a man you steal Bella’s true love!” She looked confused.

Bella: Since when did Alice talk like a city chick?

Edward: Aw look Bella we are true loves! *bats eyelashes*

“Me oh Ally I

Bella: …?

would never steal anyone’s true love Edward told me he loves me ask him yourself” I looked at him “Edward?”

“Alice she’s right there was no connection between Bella and me the way there was between me and Carmen so get over it

Edward: *covers Bella’s eyes* It’s not true!

Bella: Get your hands off my eyes, Edward!

I know she’s your friend but I love Carmen not Bella

Edward: Okay we are done with this fic Bella. You were right…it’s a stupid fic.

Bella: No, I want to finish it.

now that’s sorted coming Carmen?” She giggled and took his hand they ran upstairs and disappeared in his room. Something was going on “EMMETT, ROSALIE, CARLISLE, ESME jasper

Bella: Oh wow, commas!

Edward: It’s a miracle!

we are having a meeting come in here with me hunny”

Edward: Who’s talking?

Bella: No idea.

Edward: And who’s hunny?

We walked in to the dining room where all the family were everyone

Edward: “where all the family were everyone”? What is that supposed to mean?

“Edward has just been caught sleeping with Carmen but this is not the worst thing Bella came and she was going to accept Edward proposal, when she walked in and caught him.

Bella: Grammar check! Table #1!

Now Bella has ran away and Edward has just said that he does not love Bella.”

Edward: But I do, I really do!

“Where is Edward?” Emmett was pissed off he had come to think of Bella as a sister.

Edward: Wait, but in the last chapter it had Emmett already there.

Bella: You actually remember things from the last chapter?

Edward: Well…yes.

“He’s upstairs with Carmen they decided to go up together.”

“Well how bout I go up and see how Eddie and Carmen are?”

“No Emmett-“ “Well why the hell not Alice that little slut faced whore bag came and then all of a sudden Edward doesn’t love bella anymore and I for one am not letting my new sister be let down!”

Bella: The author made it sound as if Alice said the whole thing.

Edward: Maybe she was just talking to herself?

Everyone looked at Rosalie has she really said that?

Bella/Edward: What?

Suddenly I was enveloped in a vision “Bella being changed-Bella with someone-Bella with us”

Edward: I think I lost quite a few brain cells trying to read that.

Bella: Ugh. Me too.

I looked around “Bellas fine we just don’t know where she is.”

Edward POV

Me and Carmen

Bella: Carmen and I!

went back upstair

Edward: There it goes again with the one stair.

Bella: How many times did you read the last chapter Edward?

Edward: Just twice-ish.

and I began kissing her, all I felt was love for Carmen but there was a funny feeling I was missing someone.

Bella:*mental head smack* No, really?

We lay there together and I told her how much I loved her then my families thoughts came in.

Edward: Grammar check isle four!

Rosalie- How could you do that to her Edward? She loves you

Edward: “She loves you.”

Bella: Getting picky, aren’t we?

Emmett- I f all my family weren’t here bruv a would of killed you

Bella: bruy?

Edward: Maybe brut, or buddy?

Alice- You betrayed her for that slut

Bella: Where did all the punctuation go?

Esme- Edward why did you do it I thought you loved her why?

Edward: Well, she got half way punctuation.

Carlisle- I am disgusted Edward I am not saying anything

Bella: All punctuation is gone now. *sigh*

Edward: Didn’t he basically say something if fic!me can hear it?

I don’t know why they are all making a fuss I love Carmen Bella

Edward: Carmen Bella? Is that like split personalities?

you love Bella but then Carmen came and a feeling of overbearing love washed over me. AHHH this is love. Isn’t it?

Edward/ Bella: No!

Mon, 14 May 2007 23:59:36 GMT

Bad!fic of Twlight!
Bella is betrayed by edward (Or is she really?) and she vows to change (ha ha, Bella change?) and she does something that changes her whole exsistance. (Let me guess she falls in love with someone else and is turned into a vampire?)

Bella: Edward, come quick! *While keeping her eyes locked on the computer’s monitor*

*Before you can say bad grammar Edward rushes into the room. *

Edward: Bella, what’s wrong? What happened?

Bella:*rolling eyes* Good grief! I don’t get hurt all the time. Well, at least not sometimes.

Edward: Then what?

Bella: Come look at this.

*Edward peers at the screen and winces*

Edward: What is that horrid thing?

Bella: It looks like a bad!fic

Edward: A bad!fic? Care to explain?

Bella: Just read it, Edward.

Disclaimer: Ok I know I am fantastic and all but I am not as brilliant as Mrs. Meyer and I d not own any of the characters from Twilight and New Moon! So lawyers ha don’t sue me!

Edward: Look at that sentence—it just doesn’t end! I d not? What’s that?

Bella: Just hush and keep reading.

CHAPTER 1

Betrayal.

“Morning Beeelaa!”

Edward: Beeelaa. I kind of like that.

Bella: Beeelaa? Good grief!

I was awoken by an overly chirpy voice that could only belong to one person my boyfriends sister “Alice.”

Edward:*confused* Wait, hold on. “Boyfriends” as in more then one?

Bella: No, I think she means boyfriend’s as in you.

Edward: *wide grin* Good.

I groaned why she had to be so upbeat and excitable

Edward: *gets out dictionary* Excitable? Is that even a word? Hey look, it is! *ahem* Excitable: nervous and liable to become quickly excited.

Bella: Alice, nervous? Ha!

all the time and if it isn’t past 8 o’ clock I will kill her well that’s not really possible but still. “Beeelaa,

Edward: Beeelaa. *teasingly* Are you sure I can’t call you that?

Bella: *glares*

Edward: I’m just trying to lighten things up.

I will drag you out of bed if you don’t get up now don’t mess with me!” That was it I got up to a chuckling Alice. “Come on Bella I had a vision and I am going to help you get ready!”

Edward: *re-reads* What happened to the commas?

Bella: Who knows…?

In the end I came out of the house dressed in a white top with loads of necklaces, skinny jeans and knee high boots. Alice had backcombed my hair (A/N. I know a little OOC.)

Edward: *grins at Bella*

Bella:*crosses arms* Edward Anthony Cullen, don’t even think about it.

it did look good though. W got in her yellow Porsche turbo and zoomed off to the Cullen household.

Edward: Who’s W?

Bella: I’m not sure, but she’s heading to your house. She must be rich to afford a Porsche.

Edward: You know, now that I’m thinking about it, didn’t Alice have a yellow Porsche?

When we got there Alice rushed round and helped me out of the car, she suddenly froze and would have fell if Jasper hadn’t caught her.

Bella: When did Jasper get here?

Edward: *shrugs*

The vision soon came to an end and Alie was staring at me with sad and fearful ochre eyes.

Edward: Alie?

Bella: I’m not sure I’d like someone I didn’t know staring at me like that.

“Alice are you ok?”

Edward: What happened to Alie?

Bella: She’s probably hanging out with W.

“B-Bella lets go shopping Edwards out I will get you something better for tonight!”

Bella: What’s happening tonight?

Edward: I’m not sure, but something must be wrong. Even with my 20/20 vision I’m still not seeing the commas that are supposed to be there.

“Alice he can’t be that long I’m gonna

Bella: *twitch* I don’t talk like that, do I?

Edward: *whistles*

go upstairs and wait for him.”

My stubbornness kicked in. She looked at me and burst in to dry tears clinging to Jaspers side.

Bella: Edward, is it possible to burst into dry tears?

Edward: Well… no.

From all the noise Rosalie and Emmett came outside to see what all the fuss was about.

“Hey Alice what’s wrong? You’re making almost as much noise as Edward!”

“Edwards here?” Emmett and Rosalie nodded and I ran in to the house without tripping I may say!

Bella: *ahem* Edward’s. He is a proper noun, you know.

Edward: Plus, it’s impossible for you to run anywhere without tripping.

Bella: Hmmph.

I ignored Alice shouting “NO”

I crept up the stair

Edward: So there was only one stair?

and silently opened Edward bedroom door

Bella: *cringes*

today was the day I was going to tell Edward YES!

Edward: Yes what? Yes that you have changed your mind and want to exist as a human for the rest of your life?

Bella: *rolls eyes*

I loved him an wanted to be with him forever!

Edward: *cough* spell check *cough*

But as soon as his door opened my mended heart shattered itself to a million pieces again. Edward was lying on top of the most beautiful brunette in the world

Bella: Whoa, stop right there. *gets up* I’m done with this fic. This is so clichéd.

Edward: *grabs Bella’s wrist* You’re just jealous.

Bella: I am not!

Edward: *grins* You are too, Bella. But you’re the most beautiful brunette in the world.

Bella: *sits back down* Good grief.

kissing her and completing themselves in there passion the way we couldn’t be.

Edward: We can’t have passion?

Bella: Edward, just finish the chapter.

I walked downstairs tears blurring my vision; this is why Alice tried to stop me. As soon as she saw me she pulled me in to a hug and whispered “I’m so sorry!”

Bella: You would think she would have done more to stop fic!Bella.

Rosalie and Emmett had walked in and Carlisle and Esme were there I had brought them enough upset

Edward: I had brought them enough upset? What’s that supposed to mean?

Bella: The author lost me on that one.

I couldn’t take this leaving me old heart with the old Bella. This Bella was not a pushover clumsy oaf!

Bella: Did you catch that? My head hurts too much to figure it out.

Edward: Well, at least it’s over.

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 04:41:11 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen, one cannot allow a perfectly wonderous MST community like this to wither away! Perhaps this newbie will try to breathe some new life into this dead zone. :)

Here's a little diddy to Febreeze the dusty curtains - from a little movie back in 2001. Some of you may have heard of it. It was called Black Hawk Down, and it triggered a lot of nasty Sues.

With ~~commentary~~ hurtful, bashing remarks from the lovely Jeff Sanderson and Hoot Gibson.

Hoot: I feel so priveledged.
Sanderson: Don't. This is just the cigarette before the execution.

I.

We’d been in the Mog for 6 weeks now, and still had yet to find Muhammad Farrah Aidid, the leader of the technicals. Not that we didn’t try, but I think General Garrison had underestimated the cunning of the Somalis. Today, October 2nd, a few Deltas had been sent out to find and capture the man who supplied Aidid’s militia with funds and weapons. We had yet to find out if they had been successful when I received a page from John Grimes.

Sanderson: I like how she starts writing her journal the day before we all get our asses kicked.
Hoot: Just means we get to skip all the boring crap.
Sanderson: I'm sensing most of this writing could be defined as 'boring crap'.

As I walked into Grimes’ office, I took in my surroundings. Men were training everywhere, while others were off duty and relaxing.

Hoot: Yes, because I typically practice long range shots in the company clerk's office.

Being the only woman on the base, I was constantly conscious of men’s stares following my wake.

Sanderson: Okay, the nurses on the other side of camp may not have been that attractive, but to say you're the only woman on base is a bit rude.
Hoot: But they didn't show any women in the movie, remember? To know that there were female personnel on hand would have required research. Like reading the numerous mentions of our nurses in the book, for one.

Dressed in an Army green tank top, camouflage cargo pants, and combat boots, I opened the door to Grimes’ office.

Sanderson: Wait. Are we still in the process of entering Grimes' office, or did we back up and start over?
Hoot: By the way, missy, standard issued dress was a green tee and black shorts.
Sanderson: I'd like to see anyone wear camo's in hundred degree heat. It's fuckin' Somalia. It's fuckin' hot!

I took a long drag from my cigarette as I noticed another person in the room.

“ You know Eisley, smoking kills.” Grimes said to me.

Sanderson: Let's not forget Grimes is a smoker, too. He doesn't carry that cigar around for props.
Hoot: And his character lights up in the book, too.
Sanderson: Okay, I think we've concluded the author hasn't read the book.

“ Yeah yeah, I know. All the more reason for me to smoke around you, Grimesey.” I retorted, blowing some smoke in his face. “ So what did you page me down here for anyway?”

“ I need you to take this new recruit to Lieutenant Beales.” He said, turning his fan so that the smoke wouldn’t blow into his face.

I took another drag. “ Why the fuck can’t you do it? Oh wait, I forgot, the stick up your ass is so big that it wont allow you to move!”

Hoot: Bitch.

“ Come on, Sargn’t, please?” He begged.

“ Fine!” I said as I threw my cigarette onto the ground and put it out with my boot. “ What’s your name, private?”

“ Todd Blackburn, ma’am.” He said, saluting me.

“ Don’t do that, both the ‘ma’am’ shit and the saluting. I’m Sergeant Eisley Duvoe of the Deltas, but just call me Eisley. If you haven’t noticed, people only call me Sergeant when they want something. All right let’s go.” I said, and then turned back to Grimes. “ You’d better work on that stick, Grimesey.”

Sanderson: I've never introduced myself to some by saying 'I'm Jeff Sanderson of the secret elite faction Delta that the American public doesn't know about'.
Hoot: Hey, whore, they call us D-Boys for a reason. D-Boys! D-Boys!
Sanderson: You... better sit down for a minute.
Hoot: You're not Delta, poser!

“ Fuck you, Eisley!”

I laughed as I exited his office, Blackburn in tow. I said hi to various people as we trudged through the hangar, taking another cigarette out of my pocket. I lit the cigarette, and we headed out of the hangar towards the shooting range, where Beales was supposed to be.

We came to the shooting range, and the only officer I saw there was my good friend Matt Eversmann. ‘Well, he’s better than nothing…’ I thought as I came up behind him and took his floppy hat off. He turned and saw me, then ordered his men to cease-fire and check their weapons.

Sanderson: It's nice to know you think of your good friends as 'better than nothing'.

“ Well, well, Ev, what’re you up to?” I said.

“ What does it look like, Eye?” I smiled at the old nickname.

“ Well, I’ve brought a new recruit for you. He’s supposed to go with Beales, but seeing as he’s not here, and I don’t intend on hunting him down, I’m leaving him with you.” I took a drag on my cigarette, and pulled my sunglasses over my eyes.

“ Aww, damn. Okay well, I get off duty in an hour, want to go for a jog then?” He asked.

Hoot: That was a pretty abrupt change of subject.

“ Yeah, okay. Hey, do you know if Hoot’s back yet?” I asked, pulling my long wavy blonde hair into a bun.

“ Um, I dunno. He was on that mission in Bakara, right?”

Sanderson: Bakara, Cairo, Wales - same thing. The author probably couldn't pick out any of them on a map.
Hoot: Hey, if I'm your fuckin' boyfriend I would hope you would know when I'm going undercover in extremely hostile territory. Where I might die. Heartless bitch.

“ Yeah. Oh well. I’ll see ya later Evs.”

I walked off, trying to decide what to do with my stolen time. I decided to go work on my present for Hoot. It was a drawing of us, referenced from a picture. The picture was taken right after boot camp before we were shipped off. In the picture, I had this goofy smile on my face while Hoot’s arm was around me, and he was kissing my cheek. It was always my favorite picture of us together, so I decided to draw it and give it to him when I was done.

Sanderson: Why not just give him the picture?
Hoot: Quiet. At least now she's showing emotion.

I was working on it for an hour when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to see Matt.

Surprised, I tried to put the drawing away when he snatched it from my hand. He sat on the cot beside me and looked at it.

“ This is really good, Eye. Looks almost exactly like the photograph.” He said, handing it back

I felt myself going red as I put it away. Even though Ev was my best friend, I still didn’t want him to see my artwork. I was very secretive when it came to my drawings, so very few people knew I was artistic. Embarrassed, I got up and suggested we go for that jog now, which we did. We ran for about 5 miles on the sandy Somali beach. We were almost back to base when I saw a black hawk land on the runway. Hoot was home.

Sanderson: Three hours of a day condensed into a few short lines. The simplicity is gut-wrenching.
Hoot: I'll bet you anything this author has never run five miles in their life. Actually, I doubt all their running added up doesn't amount to five miles.

II.

I ran up to Hoot and jumped into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and hugged him closely. He smiled and kissed me, hugging me back.

“ Looks like someone missed me…” He said in his Southern drawl.

“ Yeah it looks like that,” I smiled and hopped out of his arms.

Hoot: You didn't notice I was missing until just a few paragraphs back.

“ How you been, baby girl? No ones tried jumpin’ on you, have they? Cuz if they did, I’m gonna beat them till their mommas don’t recognize them no more!” He smiled.

Hoot: God! Make it stop! Please, God!

“ They behaved themselves Hoot.” I said, as he drew me into a deep kiss.

Sanderson: Yeah, because the other guys on base won't give him hell for that at the poker game.

I heard gagging sounds coming from some of the men behind me, but simply chose to ignore them. My Hoot was home, and no one was going to ruin my happiness.

Sanderson: I was one of the guys gagging. I found the idea of you kissing that thing to be utterly repulsive.
Hoot: I was gagging, too, but I think she believed I was just trying to kiss creatively.

Later that night, we stood in line for food. Hoot had taken it upon himself to supply the meat for the meal by killing a wild boar. The meat was a bit tough, and could have used a bit of salt, but other than that it was good. After we ate, Hoot and I headed to the small room we shared with a couple other men. I could tell he was really tired, so I gave him the bottom bunk, which was decidedly more comfortable than the top one. We gave each other a chaste good night kiss, then went to bed.

Sanderson: After practically having vertical sex on the tarmac now they're 'chaste'.

I woke up the next morning and went to take a shower. Feeling fresh, I went to go visit Grimes again, and see if he had any of his famous coffee left.

“ Hey Grimesey, got any coffee?” I asked, as I sat down in the chair beside his desk.

“ Yeah, I just made some. Want me to get a cup for you?”

“ Yeah, that’d be great thanks.”

Me and Grimes sat there a while, just enjoying each others company. I got up to leave when someone called Grimes’ office, asking him to page the base and ask the officers to meet in General Garrison’s tent. I bid him farewell, and walked out.

Hoot: You said he had a stick up his ass! What makes you think he enjoys your company?

I had had a feeling for a while that we would soon be going on a mission, but I still didn’t expect it to be this soon. I entered the tent among the many other officers, and took a seat towards the back. Hoot came up next to me, gave me a quick kiss, and sat down.

Soon the meeting was called to order, and General Garrison explained that two of Aidid’s top officials were going to be meeting today, and that we were going to capture them.

“ What building will they be meeting in?” Hoot asked.

“ We’re finding that out now.” General Garrison replied as I let out a gentle ‘huff’. “ I don’t choose the time and places of their meetings, Sergeant DuVoe.”

“ I didn’t say a word, sir.” I responded, crossing my arms.

Hoot: That was my line in the movie! MY LINE!
Sanderson: *scoots away*

“ You were going to…”

“ General, I don’t see how any of this is relevant to the mission.”

Sanderson: Okay, as a Delta operator you have no authority - none whatsoever - to tell off a General, dumbass.
Hoot: Let her keep on. Maybe she'll get court martialed.

The general sighed, and continued explaining. He dismissed everyone, but called on the Delta snipers to remain. Myself, Gordy, Shughart, and Busch stayed as the others filed out.

“ Okay you four, we’ve got a special job for you during this mission. We are positioning you to stay on the black hawks and provide aerial cover. Our boys on the ground are going to depend on this because you are also going to be radioing to the commanders of the chalks on the positions of any hidden indigenous personnel, alright? So, Sergeants Gordon and Shughart will be positioned on super six four, Durant’s bird, and Sergeants DuVoe and Busch will be on super six one, with Wolcott. Any questions?” General Garrison looked to the four of us.

Sanderson: No, actually. Delta are the ones who shoot those big guns. Believe it or not, the Army actually trains guys to radio information out to ground troops, and that's their job.
Hoot: Pick up a book, you military-impared nutjob.

We all shook our heads and then we were dismissed. I left the meeting and went straight to the armory to suit up. Even though this was a day mission I packed my NODs into my backpack.

Sanderson: *headdesk*
Hoot: The fatal flaw of our mission - leaving the NODs. Of course the Mary Sue wouldn't make the same mistake as everyone else.

I filled my canteen and strapped it to my thigh. I cleaned my CAR-15 sniper rifle and attached a silencer and grenade launcher. I put my pistol in its holster on my waist.

Sanderson: The CAR-15 is a VIETNAM ERA rifle!
Hoot: She copied off Randy Shughart.
Sanderson: *groan* Maybe she'll blow herself up with her grenade launcher.
Hoot: We can't be so lucky.
Sanderson: You know, I'm pretty sure if you're up in a Black Hawk you don't need to carry your grenade launcher anyway. Actually, I think that's more than a bit dangerous.
Hoot: Well, do we like Wolcott enough to tell her not to fire it from his bird?
Sanderson: Didn't you see the movie? He crashes anyway. He's gonna die; just as well take her with him.

I watched all of the other men get ready until Hoot sat down beside me.

“ What did Garrison want with y’all?” He asked me as I taped my blood type (O -) to my boots.

“ We’re staying in the black hawks.” I responded.

“ What! But y’all are the best shots we got!” He shouted and jumped to his feet.

“ Hoot calm down! We’re to provide cover for you all from the air and relay positions of skinnies to you. Its not like they’re taking us out of combat!” I pulled him down so that he sat.

Hoot sighed and shook his head. I knew he thought that this idea was ridiculous but there was nothing that we could do about it, we just had to go with it.

Hoot: I must protest the pussy-like demeanor that I'm being portrayed with, here.
Sanderson: Suck it up. ...*snicker*

Commentary, loves, would be greatly appreciated!

Ariana Black - Year Two!

Wed, 11 May 2005 21:11:05 GMT

And, part two of chapter one. For the rest, visit our website, http://k.domaindlx.com/hammerofthesues/

As far as Remus’ neighbors knew, she was his niece.
Mrs. Hyde: What a great scene transition, there. We go from soppy puppy dog wolf eyes to the neighbors.
Mervin: XDXD!!
She called him Uncle Remus, and it became a habit, so she called him Uncle Remus whether his neighbors were around or not.
Mrs. Hyde: Repetition, repetition, repetition. She sure likes it.
Sirius posed as Remus’ pet, as they had seen Sirius with him before Ariana had come. Luckily, none of his neighbors knew him too well
Mervin: —because Remus did nothing but sit at home in a bean-bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos.
Mrs. Hyde: They call him “Tater Salad.”
(he saw them once a month, at most), or they would have known he was an only child.
Mrs. Hyde: …
Mervin: WHAT? What does that sentence say? Where does “only child” come in?
Mrs. Hyde: Umm…I’m not sure…oh, they think she’s his niece. There it is.
Mervin: Ah. Got ya.
But still. We have to go all over about how many times the neighbors have seen Remus, and how cute it is that Ariana calls Remus her uncle.
Mrs. Hyde: After absolutely no transition from her babbling about his werewolf-ery.
His house was on a large plot of land, surrounded by a thick woods,
Mrs. Hyde: Um, I had gotten the impression that Remus was kinda, you know, POOR.
Mervin: All things are possible in the SUENIVERSE.
so Sirius was usually free to walk around as a human.
Mrs. Hyde: Since because of the woods, there was obviously NO POSSIBLE WAY he might be found or caught.
Mervin: Beware of the bears.
Mrs. Hyde: Hmm—I wonder. Does a Sirius s#!^ in the woods?
Mervin: Or, if a Sirius falls in the woods and there is no Sue around to hear, does anyone really care?
He only became a dog when he accompanied Ariana out in the woods.
Mrs. Hyde: I thought you just he was free to wander around as a human in the woods!
And as he hardly talked with his neighbors, none of them became too suspicious when Remus could be heard yelling at Sirius for one prank or another.
Mervin: So…they all just assume that Remus is a nutcase and talks to himself?
(Remus): WHO ATE ALL THE MARMALADE?! I’ll bet it was Sirius. (Other personality): No, it was Roger! He did it!
Mrs. Hyde: (Neighbors): Looney Lupin’s having the marmalade argument again—I wonder when he’s going to figure out that he just forgets where he put it?
Ariana was reading the latest letter from Ron and Ginny and still had Harry’s to read, when Sirius called up the stairs to her.
“Ari, Remus is going to transform soon, you coming?”
Mrs. Hyde: (Sirius): You won’t wanna miss other people’s suffering, do you?
“I’ll be right there Uncle Siri.”
Mervin: Oh, yuck!!
Mrs. Hyde: (MS): Aren’t you thrilled that I gave you a nice fluffy nickname?
she called. She grabbed her letter and headed downstairs.
“I’m so glad to know my transformations are so entertaining for you.” Remus said to Sirius.
Mrs. Hyde: Oh, it’s so hilarious.
“Hey, where else are we going to get a show like this?” Sirius joked. “Right Ari?”
Mervin: And that’s even funnier. Isn’t it? Anyone else? Nope. Didn’t think so. Author’s the only one who thinks this is a funny little joke concerning poor Remus. I think there’s only one person who considers this a show.
“What do you think I am? A side show freak?”
Mrs. Hyde: In this fic, yes.
“Should I answer honestly?” Sirius grinned.
“Uncle Sirius.” Ariana scolded. “You’re not an entertainment Uncle Remus.
Mrs. Hyde: That’s right. You’re an entertainment Uncle Sirius. Get it right, dammit!
I just wanted to be here, to make sure you’re okay when you transform.”
Mervin: (Ariana): No fun, we discussed that.
Mrs. Hyde: “To make sure he’s okay?” What the hell can Airhead do if it ISN’T okay?
Mervin: Why, with her STUNNING good looks and BRILLIANT mind and SPARKLING personality she will make the werewolf in him go away!
(MS): Evil spirits that are attempting to steal the spotlight from me, BEGONE!!!
“I’ve never had a problem yet.” Remus protested playfully.
Mervin: Yup. Remus is so flippant about this situation.
Mrs. Hyde: INSTANTANEOUS reversal of feelings over the entire situation ever since ARIANA got here, because she makes it so DAMN FUN. *dies*
Mervin: -_- I’m not even going to bother.
“I know, but if I couldn’t be here, I’d worry about you.” she smiled in her same gentle tone.
Mrs. Hyde: Smiles have tones?
Mervin: Just like last year, remember? When all her smiles were quiet.
“You already took the potion, right?”
“Right on schedule.” Sirius answered.
Mervin: Soooo…Sirius took the potion? Who’s the werewolf in this fic?
“I just wish there was something you could take for the pain.”
Mrs. Hyde: I have similar sentiments about this fic.
Ariana added with pity.
“Don’t worry about me Ari.” Remus replied.
Mrs. Hyde: (Remus): Don’t wanna detract from all the time you spend worrying about yourself.
Just then he gasped in pain, almost doubling over.
Mervin: (Remus): Cramps!
Mrs. Hyde: Well, it is that time of the month.
“The transformation?” Ariana asked worriedly. Remus nodded quickly.
Mervin: (Remus): It’s gonna be a blast!
He couldn’t speak because it hurt too much. Sirius came forward to help his friend sit down,
Mrs. Hyde: What, he didn’t just fall over?
until the transformation finished.
Remus crouched on the floor, practically writhing in pain.
Mervin: Practically. Not ACTUALLY writhing in pain. More like…boogy-woogying in pain.
Ariana, though his transformation scared her, would not leave his side.
Mrs. Hyde: Another sickening example of Ariana being SO BRAVE IN THE FACE OF DANGER.
She took his hand, squeezing it gently, telling him everything would be okay, until his hand became a paw,
Mervin: And then she was squeezing his paw gently, telling him that everything would be okay. *groan*
and his gentle eyes were replaced by the fierce eyes of a wolf. Ariana stroked his fur,
Mrs. Hyde: O_O BAD SUE!!! NO TOUCHY!!!
and talked to him as if he were still the tall, kind looking man she had seen seconds before.
Mervin: That was quick.
Mrs. Hyde: Um…when did the transformations become a simple matter?
She continued reading Ron and Ginny’s letter.
Mrs. Hyde: (MS): Who cares about Remus? I wanna read my letters! I wanna be the center of attention again!
Anyway, not much has been happening here, apart from Ginny being her usual annoying self.
Mervin: She’s still in ditzy-cheerleader mode, I see.
You aren’t exactly Mr. Self-restraint yourself Ron.
What are you talking about? I’ve been behaving.
Mrs. Hyde: And Don’s still an absolute moron.
Oh, so it wasn’t you who was running around the house yelling “ Chudley Cannons Rule” at the top of your lungs yesterday?
Mervin: Um…why? Do we have any reason for this?
Mrs. Hyde: No, it’s just another insertion of previously known details and over exaggeration of those same details to make her story seem OH SO HILARIOUS.
Actually, it wasn’t.
Mrs. Hyde: They’re right—it wasn’t funny.
Anyway, if Ron is through being a GIT-
No, actually, I’m not through.
Ron shut up, I’m trying to write to Ari.
Mervin: I’m trying to kill her. Will you shut up so I can?
You’ll find that hard to do once I’ve snapped your quill in half.
Just try it. Now shut up or I’ll hex you from now until you graduate.
Shutting up.
Mervin: Grrr…HOW MANY TIMES IS THE AUTHOR GOING TO WRITE THE CANON CHARACTERS SAYING THIS STUPID PHRASE WHICH HAS NO PLACE IN THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE???!!!! *grabs her peashooter and starts peashootering*
Best news I’ve heard today. Anyway, I’ll -
We
What?
said I. We both write to her. Say we.
Mrs. Hyde: I’m just going to say “ni.” NI!! NI!!! NI!!!
Mervin: And we will say “Ni” again to you if you do not appease us!
Fine, we’ll write you again tomorrow. Say hi to Sirius and Remus for me.
Me too! Bye Ari.
Certainly one of the most interesting letters she’d ever read.
Mrs. Hyde: Yeah. A laff-riot. A real knee-slapper.
She often wondered if these arguments were spontaneous or if the two of them actually planned them out.
Mrs. Hyde: Oh, good grief. She actually expects people to put that much effort into her?
Mervin: Remember, Hyde, as previously stated, these characters have no lives outside of the Sue.
Ariana began reading Harry’s letters, which she’d also brought down with her.
Mervin: Wow! I would’ve never have guessed that! I mean, she only already wrote that she brought them down with her and is, in fact, reading Harry’s letters.
“Hey Ari, what’s that you’re reading?” Sirius asked, pointing to Harry’s letter.
Mrs. Hyde: (MS): Praising, glorifying and admiration of me.
“Part three of ten of Harry’s letter.”
“Well, he kept his word. How is he today?”
Mervin: Wow—Sirius actually showing some sort of concern for Harry—that’s the first time that’s happened since Airhead got her claws into him—she must be slipping.
Mrs. Hyde: I wouldn’t worry—she’ll get to the point where no one does anything but think of her soon enough.
“Same as everyday. Hiding in his room pretending the Dursley’s don’t exist. That Aunt of his still has the whole family on the diet. You’d think she’d have given up by now.
Mrs. Hyde: Hey. Petunia didn’t want to do anything that dinky Duddikins didn’t want to do. She’s doing this because the school is MAKING her.
She just has to accept the fact that Dudley was simply meant to be a killer whale, he was just accidentally born human.
Mervin: That was supposed to make us sad, right?
Mrs. Hyde: I don’t think so, but, yeah, it did anyway.
Maybe I should send him some more food tomorrow.”
Mervin: Dudley’s on a diet. You’re not supposed to send him food.
Mrs. Hyde: I think she meant Harry.
Mervin: Well, she should’ve told me that.
“Has he said anything about them bringing him here?”
“Yeah, right. He asked them, and his Uncle said something I’m know I’m not allowed to repeat.
Mervin: I think she’s trying to imitate J.K.’s excellent censoring skills.
Mrs. Hyde: It’s not working.
No, I think we need a rescue mission if I’m going to see him before school starts.” Ariana smiled mischeiviously.
Mrs. Hyde: Well, whatever “mischeiviously” is, I’m sure the Sue does it more than is necessary.
“Hey Remus, I think I’m starting to rub off on her.” Remus whimpered.
Mervin: I thought Remus was a werewolf right now.
Mrs. Hyde: He is. Just bad writing. Again.
Mervin: Oh.
“Don’t worry Uncle Remus, its a one time only thing.”
Mrs. Hyde: Is that a one time only thing, or a one time only thing?
Mervin: I thought it was a one time only thing.
Ariana and Sirius sat with him long into the night, talking to him,
Mervin: I can’t stand it—Remus is an ANIMAL right now. Talking to him doesn’t do any good, because he can’t understand a word you say.
plotting their rescue mission, until he could become human again.
Mrs. Hyde: Looks like Remus is in the ICYWINP bin.
Mervin: Yup. Even though he’s a WEREWOLF right now, AND PROBABLY IN PAIN.