Title : Condom?
Rating : Pg-14 ( Believe me! )
Genre : Crack, Humour, Romance
Author : ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
underknight
Length : One Shot
Warning : Innocent Jae, No offense, this is purely fiction dudes. AU
Pairing : Yunjae ( Duh )
Summary : Jaejoong has a question, and Yunho doesn’t want to answer. But our favorite dear raven is determined to know the answer, so he goes on a quest to find out— “What are condoms and how do you use them?”
A/N : DBSG lived in a faraway land as a highschool boys. Isolated place that didn't have too many people. And this is what happened when I am bored. Do not complain about grammar, I am dead bored and tired. I wrote Get Backers story over years ago about this. So I am sorry if you spoted names mistaken, I am bored anyway~
Yunho decided that Jaejoong was quiet. Too quiet. Normally, his raven friend was a happy and cheerful ( annoying ) person. But now he looked just too troubled for the dancer's liking.
“Okay, Jaejoong, what’s on your mind?” he finally asked. “You can tell me, you know.”
Jaejoong blinked, looking startled. “Huh? Oh…it’s nothing, Yunnie-ah.” He smiled cheekily, and then reverted back to his thinking mode.
After a few minutes, Jaejoong spoke again…with a very disturbing question. “Yunnie, what are condoms? What are they for?”
Yunho nearly choked on the coffee he was drinking. “W-what?”
Jaejoong merely looked at him curiously, as if his question was as normal as “Why is the sky blue?” or “Why do birds fly?”
But no.
His question was…
“What are condoms? What are they for? And how do you use them?”
“Er…uh…” Yunho desperately wanted to change the subject. Damn it, Jaejoong was just too innocent for his own good… ”Hey, look! A flying Hamtaro!”
“Where!”
The minute Jaejoong turned around, Yunho made a mad dash for the door of their room, leaving Stephanie and Rose bewildered at his sudden disappearance.
Jaejoong turned again, and blinked. “Where’s Yunnie-ah?”
Stephanie pointed at the door, gesturing with her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of their dorm's kitchen. “He ran out, Jaejoong.”
The Singer frowned. “Why? All I did was ask what condoms are for and how do you use them…” Rose, at these words, was slowly edging away. “Ah! Rose, Stephanie, what are condoms?”
Rose gulped. “Oh, wait, I think I hear my cellphone ringing! Gotta go!” and
he slipped into the backdoor.
“Stephanie?”
The girl froze. Uh-oh…
“I didn’t know Rose had a cellphone…” Jaejoong said, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “So, Stephanie, do you—”
“I have just received a heavenly telepathic message that I need to leave, right now!” She suddenly announced, and off she went, throwing her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of theri dorm's kitchen , straight at Jaejoong as she disappeared.
Jaejoong frowned. “Why won’t anyone answer me?” he whined.
Since Yunho, Stephanie and Rose were nowhere to be found, Jaejoong decided to go look for someone else who could answer his question. “I’ll go and ask the other SM students,” he decided.
So he dashed away for SM’s mansion, since it was the nearest. He was instantly greeted by the dog. What was it’s name again? Chopin? Mozart? Beethoven?
What was with females and naming their dogs after musicians, anyway?
Danna magically dropped down from the second floor. “Jaejoong! I thought it was you!”
“Danna!” he greeted. “How did you know it was me?”
“I thought I smelled you!” Danna explained.
Jaejoong blinked. “You can smell me?”
“Each person has their own subtle smell, you know…but only those with heightened senses can smell it,” Danna explained further.
Jaejoong blinked, not understanding Danna. “So…uh…your senses grew taller?”
“What?”
“You said they were heightened!”
“No, I meant—” Danna slapped her forehead. “Never mind.” The two of them leisurely walked to the garden, where they were greeted by Lina.
“Danna! Jaejoong! I thought I heard you two talking!” she said, blindly groping for something to hold to. Chopin, or Mozart, or Beethoven, was nowhere to be seen. The female balet dancer ended up hitting a wall.
“Lina!” Danna ran up and took her from the wall. “Are you hurt?”
“Not at all!” Lina smiled at her.
“That’s good.” Danna breathed a sigh of relief.
“So, Jaejoong…” Lina turned to their visitor—well, at least, where she believed Jaejoong was. She actually ended up facing the wall. “What are you here for?”
“I came to ask if you know what condoms are and how you use them,” Jaejoong answered simply.
There was an awkward pause.
A strong wind paused by, sending a tree falling down.
Thunder and lightning cracked through the skies.
It began raining.
Yet Lina and Danna didn’t speak.
“Lina? Danna?” Jaejoong was half-afraid he had turned his friends to stone. They were still wearing that shocked, horrified look on their faces. “I’m sorry, I suppose you guys didn’t know the answer to my question. Who do you think we know can answer—”
Suddenly, Danna jumped up. “You know what, Jaejoong? Lina and I have something to do. Goodbye!” And she scooped Lina in her arms and sped away.
Jaejoong only had time to blink before the two were but a mere speck as they disappeared.
He shrugged. Oh well. There were others to ask.
Like Yoochun and Junsu, for instance!
Jaejoong happily skipped to the room Yoochun and Junsu shared, whistling cheerfully ‘I Just Can’t Wait to Be King!’ from Lion King. He couldn’t wait to find out the answer to his question!
He rang the doorbell and waited patiently.
No one answered. Not even a ‘Wait just a second!’
So he knocked, gently.
No answer.
Then he started banging on the door.
Jaejoong pouted. “Yoochun! Junsu!” He screamed. “LET ME IN!”
Still no answer.
“What can those two be doing that they can’t even hear me?” he complained. “That’s it. I’m barging in!” And he kicked the door open.
Yoochun and Junsu were…at the couch. Wrapped in a blanket. Naked. Hugging?
Jaejoong blinked. “Hi, you two.”
The two seemed to realize they had a guest. “JAEJOONG!” They both screamed, just a little too loudly. “What are you doing here?”
The raven glared at them. “I rang the doorbell, knocked, screamed your names, and yet you didn’t hear me?”
“We, were, uh…” Yoochun looked embarrassed. “A little busy.”
“Yeah, busy,” Junsu echoed.
Jaejoong blinked. “Busy doing what?”
The two coughed and looked away.
If Jaejoong didn’t know, he was too young to know.
“Anyway…” Yoochun began after a long pause. “What are you doing here?”
Jaejoong grinned toothily. “I wanted to ask you a question!”
“Go on.”
“What are condoms?”
Cricket chirps.
“How do you use them?”
More crickets chirp.
“…Why do you want to know?” Yoochun asked cautiously.
Jaejoong looked confused. “I’m just curious.”
Yoochun and Junsu exchanged looks.
“See, I saw a commercial for condoms last night…” Jaejoong began randomly. “It was in a box and everything, and then there was a girl, and then there was a guy, and—”
Somehow, they had to stop Jaejoong from finishing that sentence. They just had to.
“I say, didn’t we promise to meet Fly To The Sky today?” Junsu suddenly said.
“Indeed, my love!” Yoochun sprang up. “Let’s go and get dressed and leave!” and they ran to their room, left with their clothes and were out of the house in the speed of light.
Jaejoong blinked.
What just happened?
Jaejoong was now walking around town like a lost little puppy. Who could help him answer his question?
He sighed. “Maybe I should go to the library and ask help from Kibum…” sure, Kibum was only 16 years old, but he was a computer genius. He HAD to know what condoms were.
As he was walking, Changmin popped from the ground. “Do you want to hear a blonde joke?” he asked.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes. “That joke is getting really annoying, Changmin.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Yes, it is.”
“No it’s not!”
“Is too.”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Is not!”
“TOO!”
“NOT!”
“TOO!”
“NOT!”
“What are condoms?”
“NO—” Changmin blinked. “What?”
“I said, what are condoms?” Jaejoong repeated. “See, I’ve been asking everyone, and they just won’t answer me…” he noticed that Changmin was quietly backing away. “Changmin? Where are you going?”
“To a Mad Hatter Tea Party! I just noticed I need more sugar to handle life!” Changmin said the first thing that popped into his mind. “Goodbye, Jaejoong! Tea awaits!” and Changmin flew away.
“Wait a minute…Minnie can fly!” Jaejoong exclaimed to no one in particular.
Jaejoong found himself at their dorm again. No such luck. Yunho, Rose AND Stephanie hadn’t returned.
Se7en suddenly entered the dorm. He raised his eyebrow. “Where’s everyone?”
Jaejoong shrugged. “They all had something to do.”
Se7en blinked. “Oh…”
Jaejoong's eyes lit up. “Hyunh, can I ask you a question?”
“…Sure…why not?”
That was his biggest mistake.
“Do you know what condoms are?”
The well-endowed man just stood gaping at him. “Excuse me?”
“Condoms,” Jaejoong repeated. “You know what they are, right?”
Se7en looked around wildly for something to distract the raven. Or at least for a plausible excuse to disappear. A lightbulb appeared. “Jaejoong, look, a flying Hamtaro!”
Jaejoong folded his arms. “I’m not falling for that again.”
Se7en cursed. Damn the person who already used that excuse! May he fall off a cliff!
Miles away, Yunho ended up driving his car off a cliff.
“Oh! My cellphone!” Se7en took out his cellphone, pretending there was a call.
“It’s not even ringing, HYUNG!,” Jaejoong pointed out.
“Ehehehe…it’s on vibrate mode?”
“You lie! Cellphones are supposed to ring!”
Se7en cursed again. Damn the people who told Jaejoong that cellphones can ring! May he trip and fall into a manhole!
Somewhere in No Where, Rose tripped and fell into a manhole.
“C’mon, Hyung. Why won’t you guys answer me?”
Se7en sighed. Damn Jaejoong and his innocence. “Goodbye, Joongie ah. I have to go.” And he dashed away.
Honestly. Why hadn’t he done that in the first place?
Jaejoong was starting to get desperate.
The day was about to end and yet he still hadn’t found the answer to his question! Oh, suck is to be Jaejoong!
Luckily, he encountered Kim Heechul, everyone’s favorite gay pop superstar IDOL!
“Hello, Jaejoong ah!”
“Hello, Heechul ah!”
And they both exchanged equally gay hugs that several females actually stopped walking and squealed over the positively gayness of it all.
“How are you doing?” Heechul asked once they had separated.
“Terrible!” Jaejoong moaned. “People won’t answer my question!”
“What question?” Heechul smiled stupidly. “I may not be the brightest lightbulb in the box, but I hope I can help you!”
“I hope you can!”
“Is it about Math?”
Jaejoong shook his head. “No…”
“Science?”
“Nope.”
“Then it’s gotta be English—”
“No, no, no!” jaejoong shook his head. “Heechul, what are condoms?”
The red-haired boy froze. “What?”
“What are condoms and how do you use them?” Jaejoong sighed. “I’ve asked almost everyone I knew and they wouldn’t answer me…” He turned the look at Heechul hopefully. “Can you answer that?”
“Well…” Heechul scratched his head, a little uncomfortable. “When a man and a woman…er…love each other very much…but don’t want to have a baby…they have to use protection…and…uh…”
“So?” Jeajoong prodded. “Condoms are like…used for protection?”
“Something like that!”
“How do you use them, then?”
Heechul gulped. This conversation was becoming dangerous. “You know, Bad Luck has practice today! Farewell Jaejoong ah!” With that, the red-haired gay pop superstar idol left our poor, innocent raven on the sidewalk.
This was his last chance. If he didn’t get his answer from Kibum, he didn’t know who else to ask.
Okay, so maybe Kibum was only Sixteen. But he might know the answer! After all, he was a genius! He had to know what condoms were. And if he didn’t, maybe Dong Hae would know.
As luck would have it, he found Kibum and Donghae entertaining Eunhyuk as they had a little cake party.
“Hey! You’re having a cake party? Why didn’t you invite me!” Jaejoong whined.
Kubum blinked. “Oh, hello Jaejoong! What a lovely and pleasant surprise!”
“Hi, Kibum!”
“I’m sorry, Jaejoong,” Donghae apologized. “I didn’t mean not to invite you. It was because Eunhyuk was the only one I managed to contact.”
Eunhyuk nodded. “So why did you come here, Jaejoong? Something the matter?”
“Is Yunho molesting you again?” Kibum wanted to know.
“Oh, of course not! Yunnie loves me…next to his dance, of course!” Jaejoong added.
“So what’s up?” Donghae asked.
“I’ve been wanting to ask…do you know what condoms are and how you use them?”
Donghae and Eunhyuk simultaneously choked on their cakes.
Kibum blinked.
“What’s a condom?”
Jaejoong nearly cried. “You don’t know either?”
Our computer genius shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know.” He turned to Eunhyuk and Donghae. “Do you know?”
The two males exchanged distressed looks.
“You know what, I’ve got to get going,” Eunhyuk declared. “Thanks for the cake!”
“I think I’ll go with you then!” And both boys ran away.
So now we have two clueless raven!
By this time, the rain had blown in and Jaejoong was walking without an umbrella, cold, lonely and still in the dark on how to use condoms. People were rushing by, carrying multicolored umbrellas. But Jaejoong was too depressed to care.
“HOW DO YOU USE CONDOMS?” He suddenly screamed on the sidewalk.
Everyone stopped.
And in a second, all of the people were suddenly gone. They had all run away from him.
Jaejoong erupted into waterfall tears. “WHY WON’T ANYONE ANSWER ME?”
Ironically, why Jaejoong was crying, Rain and Eru, the former carrying a white umbrella, the latter a black, came upon our favorite raven.
“Hello, Jaejoong!” Eru greeted with his I-want-to-molest-you smile. “How are you doing this fine rainy day?”
Jaejoong, in too much distress, completely forgot that this was his scary
stalker. He glomped Ery. “Oh, Eru! People won’t answer my question?”
“Why? What’s the matter?” Rain asked kindly.
Jaejoong sniffed. “I want to know what condoms are, that’s all.”
The two extremely perverted men exchanged I-want-to-molest-you smiles.
“We’ll answer that question for you, Jaejoong ah…” Eru cooed.
“You…you will?” Jaejoong blinked. “Really?”
“Of course! We’ll teach you everything you need to know about condoms!” Rain added, leering.
“And you must always remember…experience is the best teacher!” They both reminded him, grinning wickedly.
Somehow Jaejoong was getting a sinking feeling that he was better off not knowing exactly what condoms were for…
“A-Are you sure this is necessary, Eru?” Jaejoong asked hesitantly. He was now currently tied up in Rain’s blinding white bed. And yes, the sinking feeling was still there. And it did NOT feel good.
“Of course, Jaejoong ah!” Eru replied, still smiling like there was no tomorrow. “Now, Rain, hand me the condom.”
Rain came bouncing over to them, holding the condom like it was some precious thing. “Here, Honeybunch!”
“Thank you!” The two exchanged wicked smiles.
“Now Jaejoong, the first thing you have to know is—”
Yunho burst into the room, effectively stopping Eru’s lecture before it got too deep and we would have to cut this story off for the reader’s sake. “You stole my Bambi!” he yelled, pointing a finger at Eru dramatically.
Eru blinked. “…No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did! Tell me the truth! You Stole my Bambi!” Yunho was going hysterical at this point.
“No…I AM your BAMBI.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Yunho collapsed in shock.
Rain rolled his eyes. “No, he isn’t. I’m the only Bambi he had.” His eyes narrowed. “Or…am I?”
Eru nodded convincingly. “Of course you are, Honey!”
You lie! Yunho and Jaejoong chanted in the back of their heads.
“So…you did steal my Bambi!”, Yunho declared. “Since you’re not her!”
“Sadly, I’m not.” Eru pulled his black hat lower.
“Thank goodness.” Yunho heaved a sigh of relief. Then he glared at Eru. “Then…
you stole my Bambi!”
“You know, this is getting repetitive,” Rain pointed out.
“Shut up!” Yunho turned to Eru again. “You stole my Bambi!”
“Yes…I ate your Bambi.” Eru said calmly.
“You…you what!” At this, everyone turned to stare at the perverted man.
“You’re a cannibal!” Jaejoong screamed, looking scared.
Eru rolled his eyes. “I’m just joking. Sheesh, why does everyone take me seriously?”
“Um…because you’re Eru?” Yunho tried.
“Is it just because I’m a frighteningly gay singer? Oh, why does everyone think I’m such a bad guy? It’s not my fault!” Eru dissolved into tears and Rain comforted him.
Meanwhile, Yunho had quietly tiptoed to where Jaejoong was and they quickly escaped.
“Yunho, thank you! You saved me!” Jaejoong cried hugging his partner.
“Of course I did, Jaejoong,” Yunho reassured him. “If you had gotten hurt, who will help me get my dance?”
Normally Jaejoong would cry because Yunho only loved him for dance, but he
was too happy from being saved from the clutches of the evil Rain and Eru.
“…Yunnie ah?”
“Yeah?”
“ Eru isn’t your Bambi right?” Jaejoong asked.
Yunho rolled his eyes. Jaejoongie was really too stupid sometimes. “No he isn’t, Jaejoong. I just said that to distract him.”
“Oh…” Jaejoong nodded.
After a few minutes, Jaejoong spoke up again.
“Hey…Yunnie ah”
“What, Jaejoong?” The dancer asked impatiently.
“Can you tell me what condoms are for now?”
Yunho sighed. Either he just answered the damn question, or he’d never get peace.
Well…as Eru and Rain said…experience was the best teacher…
Yunho smiled at raven beside him. “So, do you know now?”
Jaejoong nodded, still a bit dazed at exactly what happened.
“Good.” Yunho ruffled his hair. “You’re too innocent, Jaejoong.”
The raven pouted. “Am not!” Then he bit his lip.
Yunho blinked. “What? Is something the matter?”
“Well…” Jaejoong looked up at him innocently. “Where do babies come from,
Yunnie ah?"
Curse Jaejoong and his innocence.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
jaeho_detox,
bored
