stupid song [09 Jul 2009|01:55am] 1calm_whirlwind [ mood | panic attack coming ] [ music | numb-pink ] I'm shaking                                                                                                       shaking                                                                                                                          shaking but I have no idea                                     what I'm so afraid of something is seizing up my mind,                                                  freezing it in numbed horror I feel like cutting my lips off, tearing them    apart, breaking breaking breaking them I want to make them bleed. but I don't know why. this song is triggering me, why why why?   post comment

[03 Jul 2009|11:14am] headinmyoven I was thinking of making a list of "How to Deal with Flashbacks", so I wanted to hear some of the ways you all deal with them. :) I usually go with: singing breathing slowly and counting them focusing on something near me and describing it, i.e. my desk, it's broken, covered in sharpie, it smells like candles, is sagging, should go to the dump 3 comments|post comment

psych ward [01 Jul 2009|02:47pm] eidolonamorata [ mood | uncomfortable ] I just got home from being there. I was going to kill myself, so my friend drove me there and I let them commit me. They let me out today because I said I didn't actively want to kill myself any more. But I don't want to be alive. At all. I feel like I've been hollowed out with a melon scoop and there's just nothing that I can reach into to get strength to do anything I need to do. I just don't want to. There's not even a small part of me that wants to. I want it all to stop. I can't be strong anymore. I'm so tired. I haven't stopped being strong since I was 5 years old and I can't cope anymore. I'm just so tired. I want to be done. I thought maybe some people here could understand what I mean. I'm home, but I'm not talking to anybody or doing anything. I've just been sitting here, wanting to go to sleep. I want it all to be over. 6 comments|post comment

bleckkk I hate waking up [01 Jul 2009|12:56am] 1calm_whirlwind [ mood | cranky ] [ music | hymn of faith-Kate covington ] my sleep cycle sucks. in feb-don't really sleep so much as lie half awake with vivid dreams of abuse I don't remember while convulsing lightly to be forgotten when I become fully awake usually mintues later with no rest at all.  summer-generally I try to sleep through the whole thing. in the worst cases with me, I'll go to bed at about 8am and sleep til 3 pm, sleeping past eleven makes me feel like absolute dung all day. I get this sinus body pressure ache accompanied with an awful headache and various muscles deciding to not work and randomly seize up in a cramp feeling kind of like someone clamping their hand tightly on it or sometimes hitting it very hard and very suddenly. + worse dizzy spells than usual(normal for me b/c I don't have that liquid filled thing in your ear that helps with balance) which cause me to on occasion not be able to stand for more than 30 min at a time. now, I'm sleeping fitfully, taking forever to fall asleep(last night, went to bed at 12, last time I looked at the clock it was 4) than getting all trapped in nightmares I don't remember upon waking up. my muscles are sore when I wake up and I wake up at random times b/c I feel like some one is either there, watching me, or on me, touching me etc. I can't focus very well, I'm completely numb, haven't even laughed in probably two weeks even though I've seen funny things. -_______- and I wake up sweaty and really really hot no matter how cool the morning actually is.(well, cool for Texas in the summer anyway which really isn't much lol) bleckkk post comment

[30 Jun 2009|08:50pm] contortion_13 I spent the night at Eric's last night, and I have a great time. The night was going well until April texted me. ( Could be triggering ) I care about April more than a care about a lot of people in my life. She has been everything to me. There was a time in our lives when we were the only people trying to keep each other alive. She was there through the Robby thing, she's done everything she can do. In turn, I'm doing the same thing for her. I don't want her to go through this... it hurts really bad. She's smart. She'll get out, she knows. She's seen it with me, she's seen it with her mom, and she has no tolerance for it. She'll get out... 9 comments|post comment

Whore [27 Jun 2009|11:19pm] angel3191 I can't stand that word. Here I'll explain in this conversation I had with a guy I thought was ok for once said this "So I want to have sex with you and just leave ok?" "that is something you'd understand right" "yeah I pretty much just called you a whore". It took everything I had to not start crying/flipping out. I got called a whore and told shit like that by HIM. All the time. Oh.....I just can't stand it. I'm not even doing good writing about it. IT just brings it back. The words. The sex. The everything. 1 comment|post comment

Name change [27 Jun 2009|11:17pm] eidolonamorata [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Dead and Gone- TI ft. Justin Timberlake ] So, I've been thinking. My name is Naarah-Blue Meath. Naarah means "girl of my heart" and Blue was just cause my parents were hippies. I've been thinking about legally changing my name to "Blue Meath" because my mom named me Naarah and I don't want to be the girl of her heart because she is such an awful, hideous excuse for a human being. Should I just embrace the meaning of my name and look at it as an omen that I will be loved by the people I know (which does seem to be the case), or should I get rid of it? Sometimes it feels like a heavy weight and a lie being the "girl of my heart" of someone who never loved me after my father died and did everything she could to make my life a literal hell. I don't know. Has anyone else changed anything about their name? Maybe I should just give myself an entirely different name to reflect that my abusers have no hold on the person I am today...? Naarah-Blue is the person who got hurt and abused time and time again... maybe I should just forge a new identity? 6 comments|post comment

[26 Jun 2009|03:08pm] contortion_13 Today, I am angry at the world. Today, I want to hurt but I don't know how I should do it. I feel like I need punished, but I'm not sure there is a suitable punishment. I don't even know if cutting can help. ( very triggering ) Also, after a comment, this occurred to me. I'm not in the relationship anymore, but it's so hard to get over what happened. it's been 2 years... I know it's not long, but it feels like forever... 10 comments|post comment

father needs constant control and praise...normal? [26 Jun 2009|01:43pm] miameirohara [ mood | pessimistic ] Extremely new, but I just have a need to vent. ( Cut for length and language, may or may not be a trigger ) 1 comment|post comment

[25 Jun 2009|05:32pm] headinmyoven It's an odd question but I was wondering if anyone has an obsession with saving things? I always work with neglected horses or horses that would become neglected if I didn't step in, all except one of my dogs is a rescue, when I was a kid all of our pets were rescued. My favorite part is getting the animal to trust again, to love again. Is that maybe a way of coping - by helping animals, since they are completely innocent, to heal? 2 comments|post comment

protection [25 Jun 2009|01:12am] 1calm_whirlwind [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | replica-Ilaria Graziano ] ummm, random weird question. does anyone feel the constant need to protect a part of their body specifically for no obvious reason? I always protect my stomach. when I sit, theres a pillow hiding my stomach, when theres no pillow,like in a car, its either my purse, a blanket, my arms, anything really, anything I can use. even walking, I can't wear tight shirts b/c it freaks me out. I will actually start whimpering/shaking/freaking out in general, feel really fritened if my stomach isn't 'protected'. I...guess I know why this happens. ( ED and physical abuse trigger warning  )   11 comments|post comment

[24 Jun 2009|02:15pm] contortion_13 I can't stand being in my school anymore. It's really not the work that bothers me, or the people (they do, but still). Everytime I walk into that shithole, I can feel him. Somewhere. No matter where I go, I feel it. Being in school forces me to remember all the places he used to do things to me. I can pinpoint them, exactly. I can see/hear every little detail in my head. And people wonder why I'm crumpled in the bathroom crying. I can't stand to be there. The minute I wake up, I drag myself along because I have no desire to be in there at all. I can't sit at the lunch table he forced me to sit down at. I can barely walk through the hallway without being terrified of finding him on the other side. Poised and ready to criticize, pull at my clothes, and scream. I was sitting in this teacher's chemistry room (I like her, she's funny and she always makes me smile). I started getting really uneasy where I was sitting. I felt nervous, and upset. He was there, in that space. He had to be. I know it. I could feel it. I could just tell. It ruined my day. I can't stand my school. I can't be there without being upset. I think that's why I get fucked up so much and go. Because I don't have to be afraid if I'm fucked up, I don't have to think about it. I'm so suprised I made it through last year with him being so close all the time. It blows my mind, because now I don't think I could even get out of bed without throwing up from being so nervous. I really don't think I could make it now. :/ How do I deal with this? I can't just drop out, I really don't want to. But being exposed to a trigger like this, everyday, for the majority of my life, is really hard. 6 comments|post comment

mean people suck! [23 Jun 2009|01:49am] feeln_froggy [ mood | discontent ] Well I am back.  Thought I would have a nice week off and not have to worry about anything.  My husband brought the laptop home yesterday and I thought I would get online and check out what was up.  Big mistake, my so called friend left me another message.  She may not have known our side of the story before, but knowing she knows now and the a-hole comments she made to me, only make me lose faith in people even more.  And she works with troubled youth.  I sure feel sorry for the kids she works with that is for sure. I am not sure because it hit me about 2 hours later but it brought on one of my biggest anxiety attacks I have ever had, they usually don't just hit me like that, and I thought I had put it out of my mind guess not, I am here talking about it ...I am a rambler so here is my post on my page... if you like... http://feeln-froggy.livejournal.com/3615.html post comment

a revived attempt [22 Jun 2009|10:52pm] 1calm_whirlwind [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | fuck you(very much)-Lily Allen ]   this is just some random crap with my ex/the effect of that random crap with my ex ( :/  ) .... .......... ....................... thats all for today. good bye now. 4 comments|post comment

Father's Day [21 Jun 2009|10:11am] novembers_child [ mood | angry ] I hate Father's Day so much. My parents are in the middle of a divorce, but my mom still wants to make it perfect for my dad.  He just wants to spend it with his girlfriend, but he won't say that.  I couldn't bring myself to buy him a gift, so my mom bought him one from me.  A polo shirt - nice and manly.  When I was wrapping it last night, I was flooded with feelings of panic and rage over being manipulated.  I felt like this was all a big trick.  Like he planned this.  I know logically that my dad doesn't control the government holidays, but that's the way it felt.  I feel like when I was a teenager and was just realizing the full scope of how much he'd manipulated me with all of the abuse.  God... I tried to buy him a card, but they all said things like "I love you" and "You're the best dad ever!"  I knew I couldn't watch him open something like that without screaming.  I feel like the worst daughter in the world.  I just want this day to be over.  11 comments|post comment

[19 Jun 2009|06:52pm] takerlove [ mood | drained ] I worry that I'm whining.  I have these memories and feelings that I want to work out and I feel like I can't post them in my journal because people won't know what to say and they'll defriend me.  It's what happens in real life when I talk about it.  No one wants to hear that kind of thing, especially details, so I censor myself. 6 comments|post comment

something good I hope. [19 Jun 2009|04:14pm] 1calm_whirlwind [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Aney, unborn child-Origa ] okay, so I've started doing something creative everyday. I can't do much. I'm really only good with words, I've been trying to write at least 1 poem a day, yesterday I didn't write but I did a very creative project with my pictures and music quotes on myspace so that counts to me lol it helps to take the negative out of my crappy situation thats not getting better for 9 months max. I feel more peaceful now. if only for a little while, I'm at peace. does any one else do something like that? to help them cope with everything?   2 comments|post comment

update on my dog case [19 Jun 2009|03:54pm] jig_saw_goddess the deputy called me and he is def. proceeding with the case.he is interviewing me and my ex this week coming.wish me luck.and hope for once that justice will prevail.i would pay money to see my ex face when they confront him.he knows he let my dog starve and get sick like that.also im going to go get a restraining order on him because he is a 220 pound mass of muscle with a temper ,rage, and a gun and believes in revenge.he hates cops and any confrontation with them.friends all i can say is if i end up dead or hurt dont be surprised.he knows where im at.there is no hiding.i also got a call from my dr. today confirming that there is "something" in my brain that i have to go back to the neuro about in a few weeks. 2 comments|post comment

Advice.. [18 Jun 2009|11:46am] jig_saw_goddess i have a question....i started lj because of my dog dying that sounds so elementary i know but you guys understand.anyway i want to write in my journal everything i remember from a child on all the horrible things shameful things EVERYTHING should i just post to my journal randomly as i remember or should i start from the beginning and post in  order or does it even matter? 6 comments|post comment

Venting. =/ [18 Jun 2009|10:55am] gottis_chan [ mood | blank ] I posted this in my personal journal a little while ago, but I feel I need to bring it up again. :/ (And yeah, semi-lurker here.) ******************* Never talk with drunk people, huh? Anyway. Talked with my uncle. And well... It was interesting, I'll say that much. I started crying like two minutes into the conversation. Yes. I understand that he loved mom (his little sister) a lot. Yes, I understand that he couldn't stand the pedophile that was my dad. Of course I understand that. And that he and my aunts knew about dad and him molesting both me and a few of my cousins (both male and female) and that they tried to talk with mom about it and she just refused to acknowledge it. I know that too. I didn't know that he despised me though. So much that he wanted desperately to find a reason why I was such a failure. To quote him; he was glad that none of his daughters or grandchildren had turned out like me, because that made him feel so proud over his own kids. But, he said, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I was adopted from Sri Lanka. Maybe I had some odd 'foreign' gene defect or something that made me the way I am. If I hadn't been too busy sobbing my eyes out, I would have been so totally pissed off by that kind of reasoning. He also said that he felt very sorry for mom, for having to go through with the adoption and then just end up with someone like me. Or maybe it was because I was bi-sexual? Yeah, right. I think I cried for an hour straight while he continued to talk. And why I didn't leave and let him grieve mom in peace (and hey, man, it's almost 8 years since my parents died!) is because yeah. I didn't want to leave him as he obviously needed to talk. So instead I stayed and had him drive my self confidence through the floor. Lazy. Indifferent. Lucky. Treated with silk gloves. He also said that my youngest aunt had cried and said that she'd do anything to make me a proper part of the family. And god, I love her for that. But he said that that could never really happen, now could it? I'll give him this though. He turned the table around at some point in the conversation and said that he thought I was tough; that if he had been through what I've been through, he would have killed himself a long time ago. Well. Tempting enough at times, but of course I won't do that. :| GAH. Needed to get that out. 14 comments|post comment

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