Title: Scenes From A Coffee Shop.
Fandom: NEXTWAVE! [comic].
Rating: R for extensive innuendo.
Genre: Humour, crack, romance (ish).
Summary: Aaron, somewhat changed, and Elsa, entirely the same, meet again.
Warnings: Genderswitch (though it's canon), lots of innuendo, some not-very-exciting wanking, subtle pro-lesbian propaganda (points to you if you can spot it!).
Pairings/Characters: Elsa Bloodstone/ladybits!Aaron Stack.
Author's Note: Happy birthday, expletives! I hope you enjoy this, even though it's weird as hell. Incidentally, my intention was to write this in a noir style. I failed pretty hard, but I guess the result could be way worse.
Disclaimer: NEXTWAVE! is the property of Marvel, Warren Ellis, Stuart Immonen, and Wade von Grawwwwwwbadger. I'm just raping the characters for my own pleasure. Mm, rape.

( It's a long story, fleshy. And it's really best told with hands-on demonstrations. )

Title: Non Chalant.
Fandom: Death Note [manga].
Rating: PG.
Genre: Humour, crack, Mattofluff.
Summary: Matt finds a puppy under mysterious circumstances. Near is intrigued. Mello is secretive.
Warnings: Excessive adorableness and possible OOC-Matto-ness (but then, it's rather hard to tell with him.)
Pairings/Characters: Near, Matt, Mello, Roger.
Author's Note: Wammy's house crack/fluff for darthmokona, who's having a rough time of it lately. Sorry this is so much later than I promise, m'dear - I'm having a lot of writer's block issues right now, but hopefully this doesn't suck too hard. <3 Thanks to Twitch for teaching me about languagey things in general and specifically for providing me with a complicated equation for Matt to get wrong and most of all for coming up with something approaching an actual plot for this ridiculousness. Thx bb~.
Disclaimer: Death Note is the property of Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. I merely nibble it occasionally to supply the writing dragon within. 8U 'Carmen' belongs to Bizet. 'Chopsticks' probably belongs to the devil.

( If anyone in the world could be said to be chalant, it would be Matt at this moment. )

Title: Suerte.
Fandom: Runaways [comic].
Rating: R for vague sexual activity.
Genre: Angst, romance, smutfic.
Summary: Xavin wants what sie thinks Karolina doesn't want, but Karolina actually does want it, which of course leads to puddles and puddles of angst.
Warnings: Femslash, genderbending (it is Xavin), vague lesbosex.
Pairings/Characters: Karolina/Xavin, mentions of Nico (euw).
Author's Note: This pretends to have a plot, but it's lying. For yuri_challenge, Round 1, 2008. I wanted this to be super-smutty, but then I a) realised it's not allowed for the under-18s and b) ran out of time, so now it's just angsty and ridiculous and is titled after a Shakira song. Sorry, requester-person, hope it's all right anyhow. Thanks as always to Twitch for the epic beta and title and . . . things.

( I relinquish my control to the bright night and whisper in her ear that I am who I am not. )

Title: The Good Ship Lesbian.
Fandom: !NEXTWAVE! [comic].
Rating: PG-13.
Genre: Crack, humour.
Summary: Elsa gets on people's tits.
Warnings: Femslash (that's really more an advertisement than anything), ridiculousness.
Pairings/Characters: Elsa Bloodstone/Monica Rambeau, a mention of Elsa/Elsa (can I has tripod?), Aaron Stack (who needs one), The Captain.
Author's Note: Written for yuri_challenge, Round 1, 2008. Wrote it halfway, realized it was shit, started over with a new idea. Was late, consequently. But really, what can be done? I appear to have a disconcerting penchant for first-person narration in stories where hot chicks get nailed by hot chicks. Elsa talks like Glen Duncan's Lucifer, for which I apologise (but not very much). Thanks as always to Twitch for the epic beta.

( 'Aaron, for god's sakes, get a tripod!' )

Title: Cut, Bleed, Repeat.
Fandom: Bleach [manga].
Rating: NC-17.
Genre: Angst, drama, romance, smutfic.
Summary: Prompt: "Blood red and the spaces between words." Ishida Uryuu heals, with help.
Warnings: Yaoi, spoilers, cursing, masturbation, graphic/rough sex. Also inaccurate astronomy.
Pairings: Kurosaki Ichigo/Ishida Uryuu.
Author's Note: Birthday giftfic for technovanilla. Aye, I kinda took your prompt and ran cackling away with it, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. Happy birthday, darling! I don't think this is particularly original, but you never know. Thanks as always to twitchdemon for epic beta. Have my babies. <3 (I just realized this is my first NC-17 mansex. Holy shit. I'm not a virgin anymore! 8U)

( Set, aim, release, repeat. )

Title: Clank. Clank. Clank.
Fandom: Death Note [manga].
Rating: NC-17 (ish?).
Genre: Crack, smutfic.
Summary: What the hell is Ryuuzaki doing?
Warnings: Porn & ridiculousness.
Pairings: Light Yagami/L, Light Yagami/himself.
Author's Note: twitchdemon said, "NOBODY HAS EVER MADE THE 'CLANK. CLANK. CLANK' 'WHAT ARE YOU- OH GOD.' FIC I WANT." She had a bad day. I made her a present. I have to repay her for the happy poos somehow. Enjoy, love!

( 'Ryuuzaki!' Light slammed the lid of his laptop closed and whirled in his chair to face the detective. 'What in heaven's name are you OH MY GOD.' )

Title: The Fiery Furnace
Fandom: Good Omens [novel].
Rating: PG-13.
Genre: Historical fiction, drama.
Summary: Prompt: “A/C, Hanging Gardens of Babylon, dates.” Regional, religious, and personal tensions are played out between Aziraphale and Crowley in the Gardens of Babylon.
Warnings: Ancient Babylonians having sex.
Pairings/Characters: Crowley/Aziraphale.
Author's Note: Written for argyleheir in the Good Omens Exchange. (Original post is here.) Thanks to my fabulous beta, who is eternally patient and godlike and a genius (not to mention sexy). The inevitable historical or other errors are my fault, definitely not hers.


( The king's man catches up with Aziraphale as he walks his worn path atop the Garden wall. . . . )

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. I haven't posted any stories here since September?! Well, that's gonna have to change. I'm setting up a daily writing time for myself, and come hell or high water I will STICK TO IT.

Now then. Enjoy your crazy Nay-roo-toos.

Title: Cookies & Cream.
Fandom: Naruto [manga].
Rating: PG-13 for a couple of curses.
Genre: Fluff, humor (except for the end).
Summary: Written for taito_kisses's birthday . . . which was in September. EPIC FAIL, ME. Although, in fairness, it was a hard prompt, I still feel awful. So, well, have a Gai & Kurenai friendfic! And somebody for god's sakes tell me where I can cross-post this, 'cause I have no idea. Gai community? Something?
Warnings: Spoilers.
Pairings/Characters: Maito Gai, Yuhi Kurenai, and a busty nurse.
Disclaimer: Kishimoto's. I'm not him.

( The sun beat down on Kurenai like it had a score to settle. )

Extended hiatus due to school, sexy time, and mononucleosis is now motherfucking OVER. The ideas that I have are begging to be culled. Help me in this endeavour by clicking below, lovely ones.

Poll

Title: The Art Of Love.
Fandom: Naruto [manga].
Rating: R.
Genre: Angst. Full of annnnnngst. But with a happy ending. So kinda epic fail angst.
Summary: Prompt: "There were certain unchangeable rules for Team 10: Ino was the one who went out and got the good stuff. Chouji was the one who went out and got the bad stuff. Shikamaru was the one who stayed, and got only what came to him."
Warnings: Grievous spoilers, masturbation, and mentions of promiscuity.
Pairings/Characters: Shikamaru/Chouji, Ino/Chouji, Temari/Shikamaru, Temari/Ino. Lol, dat's a lots.
Author's Note: Written for joyful at shikachouji--hope you like it! Thanks to Twitch, who epic-beta'd this twice for me (even the horrible parts that I wrote at 2 AM while full of mould spores); and to Thad, who helped me work out some plot kinks (Thad relieves many of my kinks) (ooh, did you catch that? A treble entendre at least. Man, I'm good).
Disclaimer: Not mine. I've checked.

( The essence of romance for ninja, as they had learned in their special boys-only class at the academy, was that it, by and large, does not exist. )

Title: Snowstorm.
Fandom: Naruto [manga].
Rating: PG for language.
Genre: EPIC FLUFF.
Summary: Nobody listens to Shikamaru. Well . . . almost nobody. A Shikamaru character study, with botched barbeque and some delicious hot chocolate.
Warnings: Slash and ueber-cuteness.
Pairings/Characters: Shikamaru/Chouji, Ino, Asuma.
Author's Note: THANK YOU FOR HALPING WITH THIS, THADDEUS. But oh, man, this is some G-rated shit (curses notwithstanding). It was supposed to be for 100_prompts, but uh, they never got back to me, so. Suck it. Suck some delicious it. Also: there were gonna be some possible shenanigans, but then I remembered: THEY'RE THIRTEEN. SHIT. So. No shenanigans. Just cute. I don't know what the fuck they are all doing at Asuma's house. SLEEPOVER LOLS? The sketch.
Disclaimer: All characters herein are the property of . . . that guy. Who wrote Naruto. Kishimoto? Whatever. His crazy ass. Not mine. I merely steal his characters and cause buttsex.

( Snow, Shikamaru has decided, is interesting. )

OSHI-- HET?!

Title: Because That's How They Think.
Fandom: Runaways [comic].
Rating: PG-13 for language and extremely mild het. I think I am allergic to heterosexuals.
Genre: . . . Angst? I don't even know.
Summary: Gert thinks about shit. I just. I do not know.
Warnings: Het (OH MY GOD).
Pairings/Characters: Gert/Chase, Molly.
Author's Note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TWITCH! HART HART HART. I cannot believe you have made me write het. For those who are interested: I did it by putting my iPod on shuffle. It came up with 'Summertime' by Big Brother & The Holding Company. So I listened to it for forty-five minutes while writing this. I am nothing if not adaptable. Ahahaha, what.
Disclaimer: All characters herein are property of Brian K. Vaughan and Adrian Alphona, ALTHOUGH NOT JOSS WHEDON BECAUSE HE CAN SUCK MY DICK.

( Fat chicks want it bad enough they'll do anything. )

Title: At Stake [Part 1/3].
Fandom: Monstrous Regiment & Discworld/Good Omens crossover [novels].
Rating: Something like PG-13 for sexual themes and unpleasant milit’ry things.
Genre: Humour/Antics.
Summary: Something bad is going down in PrinceMarmadukePiotreAlbertHansJosephBernhardtWilhelmsburg, and someone’s got to stop it. Fortunately, our favourite rogue arsonist lesbians are up to the job. Unfortunately, two nosy, homosexual ethereal beings from an alternate dimension become entangled in the proceedings. (It’s Aziraphale’s fault, of course.) And if that does not sound awesome to you, then you are clinically insane.
Warnings: Vast amounts of slash and femslash, flagrantly ignoring the one-in-ten rule for a veritable orgy of massively gay folks. Three original characters (gasp!). Very thinly-veiled political statements. Spoilers for Monstrous Regiment, Good Omens, The Last Continent, The Truth, and probably some more Discworld books I've forgotten.
Pairings/Characters: Tonker/Lofty, Crowley/Aziraphale, hints at Polly/Mal and William de Worde/Sacharissa Cripslock.
Author’s Note: I have this disease in which I must write at least one Good Omens crossover for every fandom I’m in. It’s probably terminal. I am eternally grateful to Twitch, my beta, who, unlike me, actually has a life, yet still managed to tame this monstrosity in her limited spare time, rather than doing something useful (i.e., reading porn).
Disclaimer: Crowley and Aziraphale are the creative genius of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. All other characters, save for Alyss, Barbia, and Celia, are from Terry Pratchett’s brilliant-o Discworld series. The aforementioned OCs are from my brain, partially inspired by Sternberg’s triarchic theory of intelligence. A wealth of material used in this fic was shifted and twisted from the late Randy Shilts’s Conduct Unbecoming: Gays & Lesbians in the U.S. Military, which everyone should read, especially those sillyheads who persist in believing that humanity is basically good.

Crossposted to lower_tadfield (HERE) and cheesemongers (HERE).

---

( “We have a story for you.” )

Just a few quick notes. (Hee. Notes. Hahaha. Haaaaa.)

1. The world's most phenomenal beta is back from hiatus, and I am back from sitting on my arse, so things should start moving more quickly around here. (I may yet eat my words, of course. I do that often.) Anyway . . . the first part (of three-ish) of the MonReg/Good Omens crossover should be up in a couple of days, Gai willing. Then after that, I think something Shikamaru/Chouji-related. Shikamaru/Chouji is always acceptable.

2. I currently have very little time to write, and what time I do have I'm taking away from sleeping. This is by way of a warning: Updates will be irregular. Do not yell at me. I am cute and squishy. *warbles*

3. Welcome to hidari_blue, who has been sucked into the whirlpool of doom that is this community. HALLO THAR. *waves frantically* (My Gai, I have mental problems.)

4. Thanks to taito_kisses, whose idea worked. ILU THAD. <3

Thank the lord for Death Note. That is all I have to say. HEH. MATSUDA, YOU SLOW SHIT. HEH. (Why the hell does it say Near/Mello in my profile? I would never write Near/Mello. Near is an ass. Fuck you, Near. FUCK YOUUU.)

P.S.: Apparently slurping is considered good behaviour in Japan. I knew I liked them.

Title: Put It In The Ground.
Fandom: Death Note [manga].
Rating: PG.
Genre: Tragedy, humour (yeah), mild fluff.
Summary: Ide goes to a funeral. A twisted sort of hurt-comfort.
Warnings: Mondo spoilers for up to That Part in volume 7. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't read this.
Pairings/Characters: Ide/Matsuda (oh, shut up).
Author's Note: Copious thankees to Twitch, who helped with honourifics, even though I didn't end up using them ('cause I HATE THEM), and who agreed with my opinion as to the . . . extent of Ide and Matsuda's relationship. I doubt I would have posted this without her vote of confidence. So hurrah, for she is fancy. And knows about ellipses. And the following is her fault. HA.
Disclaimer: Death Note is the genius brainfruit product of Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. I am neither Tsugumi Ohba nor Takeshi Obata. Therefore, 't'ain't mine. Truly, this is reasoning worthy of L himself. *shifty eyes* Additionally, the title is taken from "Funeral Song" by Sleater-Kinney, from the album One Beat. Which everyone loves. No arguing.

( Matsuda is sitting cross-legged on the bare ground by the grave, running his fingers absentmindedly through the loosened soil. )

(Well, at least Kakashi approves. . . .)

Title: Gloria.
Fandom: Monstrous Regiment (Discworld) [novel].
Rating: NC-17.
Genre: PWP smut.
Summary: Tonker is damn proud. Lofty turns the tables. Tonker is . . . still proud, but less articulate about it.
Warnings: Spoilers, as usual. (Ho hum.) Also: explicit ladysex! Tablesex! Lesbian content! Bodily fluids! Role-reversal (and why has this never occurred to me before?)! Okay? Good. Carry on.
Pairings/Characters: Tonker/Lofty.
Author's Note: In response to the May 2007 "Freedom" prompt at cheesemongers. My first true PWP, and it's nearly a songfic. *headdesk* Only for you, my dearest, and on that note -- the happiest of birthdays to El (oh, my wit is overwhelming). Is this smutty enough for you? Please insert consonants into your response this time, darling. . . . *pats* ALSO: This might be considered a prequel (???) to a multi-part story I'm currently writing, which also involved T&L as unlicensed thieves . . . although the story I speak of has an actual plot, unlike this one. *cough*
Disclaimer: All characters herein are the property of Terry Pratchett, to whom I sincerely apologise for this (well, fairly sincerely). The idea of Tonker and Lofty moving to Ankh-Morpork to become (unlicensed) thieves is, of course, Hyel's, although if there were any justice in the world it would be canon. The title, incidentally, is from Patti Smith's fantastic and glorious (har har, the wit rears its head again) song from the album Horses (the song itself adapted from Van Morrison's song of the same name, although Patti's is better, as there are plausible lesbians). I am really, really sorry, Patti. I have the utmost respect for you. I do. Really. Sorry. Arrrrgh.

Cross-posted at cheesemongers, specifically here.

( Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine. )

It would appear that abscence does not make the heart grow fonder, for I still have a grand total of two members/watchers. Regardless--I'm back.

In the off time, I've gotten into Naruto and Death Note, the first of which is totally stupid but contains fat boy love and the second of which is genius but TOO MANY AWESOME PEOPLE DIE ARGH. *cries* And I'm yet again bitten by the fic bug. Many of them. A veritable swarm. I have the following fics going at the moment:

1. A birthday giftfic, Plot Whut Plot?; Tonker/Lofty (MonReg), NC-17.
2. "ONE HUNDRED PERCENT." Psychological, socially inept smut; Light/L (Death Note), R/NC-17.
3. "PUT IT IN THE GROUND." [tentative title] Twisted funeral fluff; Ide/Matsuda (Death Note), PG.
4. Midwinter hot choc; Shikamaru/Chouji (Naruto), PG.
5. Cloudwatching; Shikamaru/Chouji (Naruto), PG-13(?).
6. "MISPLACED PRIORITIES." [tentative title] Ministry magic and a bloody nose; Percy/Oliver (Harry Potter), PG-13.
7. "AT STAKE." Lesbian vampires of Borogravia, and a witch hunt; Tonker/Lofty, Crowley/Aziraphale, Polly/Mal, &c. (MonReg/Good Omens cross), PG-13. Multi-part. On temporary hiatus as beta is unavailable. Still writing, still plotting.

As far as my other multi-parts, they will hopefully be up and running again soon. I may do another Death Note (probably more smut) and possibly a Todd/Kurt (X-Men: Evo) soon. Comments, &c. always welcome.

Those of you who read, I adore you; those of you who don't, start and I will bake you intercookies.

Off to update profile and write pr0ns. Hurrah . . . ?

(In which Harry/Draco slashers are vindicated. And gloat a lot.)

Summary: In this chapter . . .
· Things look Bad
· There is a Big Friendly Giant
· Harry reveals his Tendencies
· This Author makes a Fool of Herself as per Usual
· A Marvel Character makes a Cameo, because this Author is a Geek
Warnings: R for perversion, language, general weirdosity. Mentions of slash, het, bondage, oh em gee light the torches.
Disclaimer: All the characters that you recognise are J.K. Rowling's. J.K. Rowling is also J.K. Rowling's. The various Guilds, Coalitions, etc. do not belong to me either, but rather are random fan entities floating about. (Let me make it clear at this point that I count myself as a member of most of these, or else I wouldn't be making fun of them.) SCI is me, and I don't know who I belong to.
Author's Note: Holy cow dung, this took ages. I started writing this segment in November, when I had signed up for LJ's Good Omens Holiday Exchange and gotten writer's block for that, so instead of sitting at my computer at 1.15 am writing a fanfiction novella about how goddamn gay Crowley and Aziraphale are for each other (it's called 'Great Are The Myths', if you feel the overwhelming urge to look it up), I sat at my computer at 1.15 am writing crack parodies. Then I . . . forgot about it, I guess. Wow. Cheers, Sci.
Character/Pairing Note: It appears that my Hermione has evolved (totally unintentionally, I swear) into a complete and utter pessimist. This may be because she's always being attacked by Voldo, but so it goes. Also: any Draco/Harry fans in the audience? Anybody? You want to be on board from here on out. I'm talking obsession. Let's get it on, then. (Sorry, Twitch, it had to be done.)

( Death death death. Deathy death. And no more free sundaes. )

<< Dramatis Personae
<< Part 1.
>> Part 3.
>> Part 4.
>> Part 5.
>> Part 6.

(In which Todd Tolensky reveals his penchant for E. A. Poe. Yes, you read that right.)

Title: Thunderbird.
Fandom: X-Men: Evolution [animated TV show].
Rating: PG-13 for language, sexual references, and . . . weirdness.
Genre: Humor/Romance.
Summary: Kurt's first Samhain in Ah-mare-ee-ca, plans are off, and he wants to do something with his fantastic costume. Todd has plans. Vague attempts at symbolism ensue. Reply to Hallowe'en challenge prompt at toddkurtslash: "Unexpected supernatural creatures."
Warnings: Lots o' candies.
Pairings/Characters: Just Todd/Kurt. (Unless you count Evan and his milk.)
Author's Note: I'm a bit obsessed with mythology, not that this is an excuse. Oh, and the UNICEF thing was Twitch's idea. She are great.
Disclaimer: Marvel's, Warner Brothers', some other people's, but definitely not mine. Praise your deity of choice. Research (yeah, did research for a fanfic . . . *is loser squared*) from wikipedia.org and this big-ass Native American mythology book.

Originally posted at toddkurtslash, specifically here.

( As if THEY'RE going to eat the Butterfingers. )

(In which our hero giggles to herself. A lot. And ogles Aaron Stack until he becomes extremely uncomfortable.)

Title: A Mediocre Day Involving Gorillas and Bulldogs and Also Beer.
Fandom: NEXTWAVE [comic] (and some Good Omens, because apparently I have a disease).
Rating: PG?
Genre: Humor/Crack.
Summary: A really, really boring day for the NEXTWAVE squad. Also: Aaron drinks beer!
Pairings/Characters: Monica Rambeau, Tabitha Smith, Aaron Stack (!!!), Elsa Bloodstone, The Captain, some beer.
Author's Note: Written for 15minuteficlets' "Mediocre" challenge. All I can say is, this fic is sure as hell mediocre.
Disclaimer: NEXTWAVE is Warren Ellis's. I wish I was him, but I'm not. Good Omens belongs to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, or else Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, depending on what country you're in.

Formerly posted at healingamerica (GO THERE IF YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY), specifically here.

( Oh. My. ****ing. God. )