Caught With a Hand in the Cookie Jar
Author: **starhawk**
Date: April 2005
Pairing: Basic pairing House/Cameron, but with other-character-flavoured toppings!  
Rating: NC-17 at minimum. It’s Smut, dahlings, take the appropriate precautions!
Summary: House and Cam and Lab!Smut gone horribly awry….or does it? You be the judge!
Disclaimer: I don’t own Gregory House or Allison Cameron, or any other characters from House, M.D. that appear here (Bummer). I just like making them do highly inappropriate things on fictional hospital premises. You could sue, but you’d pay more in legal fees than I’m currently worth, so take my advice and don’t bother.

Author Note: The lovely and talented residents of the House/Cameron comm. were the ones who bred the plotbunnies that later spawned these fics. The basic idea was, given how unlikely it was that you could have sex in PPTH and not get caught (let’s not forget those damnable glass walls, people!), what would happen if House and Cameron were getting it on in a lab and did get caught?  So, I speculate herein about how such a situation could unfold…depending on who the ‘catcher’ is.

Part I: Almost caught!

             She felt almost suffocated, trapped between the back wall of the lab and House’s body. She wasn’t exactly sure what had happened. One minute, she was sitting bored on a stool, waiting for the results of one of her tests to be printed up, and the next, she was pinned to the lab wall, House’s mouth crushed to hers.

            His arms were tight around her, as if he thought she would try to escape – Fat chance of that, she thought disjointedly – his cane lying where he’d let it fall to the floor. His body pressed up against her so hard, it almost felt like he was trying to meld them together. His tongue greedily exploring her mouth, his lips soft and his stubble burning against her skin.

             He finally released her mouth, but not the rest of her. She made herself meet his eyes, but couldn’t read the expression in them – even in this, he was as guarded as always.

            “Is this-“ she started, and then tried to moisten her dry throat before continuing, altogether too conscious of his chest pressing even tighter against hers every time she inhaled. “What is this, House?”

           He smirked. “I thought it was a kiss, but I guess you young’uns do things differently these days. Want me to write you a detailed instruction manual?”

             She did her best to stare him down, despite the continuing distractions of his body against hers, his breath on her face. “That’s not what I asked.”

            “Oh I see, this is where I’m supposed to get down on my knees and pledge my undying lust for you. Well, I can’t get down on my knees, so forget it.” But he didn’t move away.

            “You think that just because I like you, I’m going to sleep with you?” Which was of course true, but he didn’t need to know that.

           “Did I say that? I don’t think I did…” He made his ‘pensive’ face. “I’ll make you a deal, Dr. Cameron. If you’re not soaking through your panties right now, I’ll let you go immediately, and we’ll never speak of this again.”

            She thought her jaw would drop off with her open-mouthed outrage. She itched to slap him, but he still had her arms pinned to her sides. “You’re disgusting,” she said. Now she knew how you could love someone and hate them, all at the same time. Score one for the cheesy romance novels she and her friends used to read in high school.

             “No, I’m a doctor,” he said back to her, still wearing that damned smirk. “It’s no big deal, Dr. Cameron. I’ve seen and touched a woman’s genitalia a time or two in the past. I seem to recall medical school even requires it.”

           “No,” she ground out through her teeth.

            “No, what, Doctor? No, they don’t require more than a passing familiarity with the genitals of the opposite sex in med school? Or is it, no, you won’t let me touch yours?” And still smirking, damn him to hell….

            She’d had enough. This was all some game to him, like he could reduce her feelings for him – and his feelings for her – down to nothing more than an illicit sweaty grope-session in a lab. “Let me go, you bastard.”

            He looked…happy? Huh? “Finally, some real passion, Dr. Cameron! How perfect! If I’d known it would take a highly inappropriate remark to….arouse… such…heat in you, I would’ve tried it long ago.”

            Then it hit her. She didn’t know why she hadn’t thought of it sooner – probably the distraction of House’s body pressed against hers. Reverse psychology – House just wants to see me squirm…if I actually pretend that his demand is no big deal, and make like I’ll actually let him test his ‘panties’ theory, I’ll bet he turns tail and runs so fast, his Shox’ll leave smoking tracks on the floor.

            She locked her eyes with his, and said as casually as possible. “Fine, Dr. House. Perform your little ‘panties diagnostic’, and then get out of here and let me finish my work.”

            If he was taken aback, he was hiding it well. And he wasn’t releasing her. Uh-oh, she thought.

            Her worst fear was confirmed when his smirk widened, and he said, “Good girl. It’s always best to assess these things in a scientific manner.”

            And before she could protest, hell, before she could even think of protesting, he was kissing her again, pressing her lips apart with his. His left arm was still tight around her, but his right hand started to slide across her back, and then down her left side.

            Despite his tight grip on her, he wasn’t hurting her. His kiss was gentler, this time -  although his stubble was still rough on her skin - his right hand sliding gently down her side until it could work its way under the layers of lab coat and skirt. And despite herself, despite the fact that he was about to do something she didn’t want him to do, she felt herself surrendering.

            When his fingers brushed gently against the crotch of her underwear, she couldn’t keep herself from moaning against his mouth, from allowing herself to relax against him. Maybe…maybe…she tried to order her thoughts. Maybe this is his way of declaring his feelings….though she realized she was probably just rationalizing his actions. Meanwhile, House had pulled his mouth back a little from hers.

            “Hmmm. Feels damp to me, Dr. Cameron,” he said, breaking into her thoughts. “But we should conduct at least one further test, just to be sure.”

            In one movement, he shoved the thin fabric aside and slid the side of his hand through her folds – which were indeed soaking wet. She gasped loudly in a mixture of shock and pleasure, and he quickly muffled her noises with his mouth.

            He turned his hand palm up, using the heel to massage her clit, his fingertips playing along her petals. She sagged back against the wall, all her bones suddenly melting, and his lips stayed on hers, but his left arm was suddenly gone from around her. The next instant, she heard fabric tearing, and realized he had just ripped her panties right off of her body – not that she cared about that, at the moment, though.

            He pulled both hands away from her, and she bit back a groan of dismay at the sudden loss of his fingers, but then realized he wasn’t done with her when he started to tear at her skirt. The buttons at the fly gave as he yanked at the waistband, and her skirt was soon in a pile on the floor, next to her deceased underwear.

            And he still wasn’t done ravaging her clothing. The lab coat stayed on, but the v-neck of her sweater was yanked roughly down to expose her left breast, and he soon had her bra out of the way as well, one hand going back between her legs as he dropped his mouth to her newly-exposed skin, his other hand serving to brace him against the wall. 

            He was driving her absolutely crazy, but she didn’t like the vulnerability she felt, her being mostly-naked (the lab coat did not count) and him fully clothed, and she found herself grabbing the collar of his blazer and trying to pull it down his back, tearing the collar in the process.

            House detached himself from her breast and cursed softly, standing up. He didn’t take his hand from its work against her clit, though. He met her gaze ruefully. “I really liked this coat. Damn. Oh well, at least it went out with a bang…pun intended.” And he removed the coat with his free hand, only taking his other hand from her wet heat long enough to get the sleeve off and drop the blazer on the floor. 

            “The shirt, too,” she said to him, her voice husky with arousal. He didn’t question her, just pulled the button-down off, again one-handed as much as possible, until it too was on the floor.

            And as he pressed her back against the wall, his mouth open and wet on her throat, fingers starting to invade her in earnest, she yanked the bottom of his tee shirt out of his jeans, running her hands along the surprisingly trim muscles of his belly. 

            But she wanted – had to have – more of him, and she was soon attacking the fly of his jeans, pulling the snap open and the zipper down. She wasted no time pulling the fabric of his briefs aside and wrapping her fingers around the evidence of his arousal, and it was his turn to groan against her flesh.

            “Looks like I’m not the only one aroused.” she said to him. 

            He lifted his mouth from where he was trying very determinedly to give her a hickey on her upper chest. “Was there any doubt?” he asked, not looking up.

            “No.”

            He didn’t answer, just began sucking on her nipple, his hands still busy between her legs. He now had three fingers inside her, caressing her inner walls, while the fingertips of his other hand were slowly circling her clit, and occasionally glancing across it. She moaned and squeezed him reflexively.

            After some long moments of this sweet torture, he pulled back from her and started to disengage himself from his jeans and underwear. “Are you on the pill?” he asked her. 

            “What?”

            “Are. You. Currently. On. Birth. Control. Doctor. Cameron.” he said very slowly, holding her gaze intently, all while drawing his jeans down over his hips. 

She tried to order her thoughts enough to answer. “Um…no.”

            House grabbed the waistband of his jeans before they could slide down to his ankles, and started to root through one of his back pockets. Cameron watched in a mixture of surprise and amusement as he came up with his wallet, rummaged through it, and produced a condom.

            “You carry condoms in your wallet?” she laughed.

             “Well, you never know when Cuddy’s going to call me into her office for a ‘dressing-down’.” he deadpanned.

            She just shook her head and motioned him over, holding out her hand for the condom.

            Moments later, she was pinned against the wall by his body once more, but this time with her hands on his cock, guiding him inside her…he started thrusting, his hips slamming against hers, and she had to bite down on his shoulder to muffle her cries-

             Suddenly there was a loud sound, shockingly close, from the hallway – it sounded like something shattering - and as both of them froze, they heard a male voice cursing.

             “Shit!” House growled quietly, pulling out and back from her with an expression that looked suspiciously like fear, and almost overbalancing and falling over backwards without his cane….and his pants and briefs, still around his ankles, didn’t help.

             “Help me – quickly!” he hissed at her, while she tried to gather her wits. “C’mon, girl, do you want to be caught here in ‘flagrante delicto’?

             Cameron, still in a daze, started clumsily trying to fix her shirt and bra. She managed to gather her wits enough to remember that his cane was still on the floor, and quickly knelt and grabbed it, passing it up to him.

             “Help me pull up my pants- quickly!” She did, and then grabbed her skirt off the floor and stepped back into it. They could hear broken pieces of – whatever had broken – rattling together as the person cleaned it up, and quiet cursing.

             She tried to find a way to close her skirt with very loose buttons – House’s actions earlier had torn them all almost completely off – and to pass him his button-down and blazer from the floor at the same time.

             A few moments later, they were both almost fully clothed, and they could hear the person’s footsteps approaching. But they were still in trouble – the rip in the back of the collar of House’s blazer was clearly visible, the fly of her skirt, in the front, was obviously not in good repair, and she now realized that House had also torn the v-neck of her shirt earlier, as well. Crap! Now what do we do? she thought frantically.

             “Cameron! Your panties!” House hissed at her. She started, realizing they were somehow still on the floor. “Give them to me.” She snatched them up and passed them to him, too worried about how to hide the state of their attire to laugh at the image of him stuffing her defunct panties into his pocket.

             “What are we going to do?” she whispered.

             Taking charge as he inevitably did, he turned so that his back was to the back wall of the lab, and he ordered her to crouch down over his shoes with her back to the door of the lab. She complied immediately, wondering what he was up to – just as the person in the hallway walked past the glass front of the lab.

             It was one of the orderlies, Steve, who had apparently broken a coffee mug, Cameron saw as she looked back over her shoulder.

             Seeing them, Steve opened the lab door and leaned in. “Dr. House, Dr. Cameron. Working late?” he looked curiously at Cameron’s crouched position on the floor.

             Before Cameron could reply, House said in his coldest and harshest voice. “Yeah. And before you think something derogatory about Dr. Cameron, she’s not about to perform oral sex on me – she’s just helping a tired achy old man with his untied shoelace.”

             Cameron felt her face grow hot, but she knew what House was doing. Steve liked her, and he’d leave quickly if he was embarrassed for her.

             “Um, sure thing, Dr. House. Good night to both of you.”

             They waited until Steve’s footsteps faded away, and then House helped Cameron to her feet. “C’mon,” he said, meeting her gaze. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

             Luckily, they made it to his red ‘vette without further incident. Cameron had been able to hide most of the damage to her clothes by buttoning her lab coat and surreptitiously holding her skirt up with both hands through the pocket-slits of the coat. The rip in House’s collar was more obvious, but he had told the one person they had encountered on their way that it was nothing – just the result of a demonstration of love by an ‘amorous clinic patient’.

             Finally in his car, they looked at each other in silence for a long moment.

             “I don’t know, Allison,” he said to her finally. “Your idea sounded hot at the time, but that was a really close call.”

             “If you were that scared of being caught, Greg, then you should’ve brought it up back at my place.” she said to him.

             “It’s not an issue of being scared. If we’d gotten caught, the entire hospital would’ve known about it within mere hours, and we’d never hear the end of it. And we get enough teasing as it is. Why, the mileage Wilson would get out of this alone, would last him through his next two divorces!”

             Cameron laughed, and then slipped her hand back over his crotch. “So, you’re sorry we did it.”
 
           “Not- entirely-“ he said, apparently distracted by her caresses. “But let’s not do that again, ok?”

            “Home?” she asked him, raising her eyebrows as Greg bit off a moan of pleasure.

             “Yeah, but stop doing that. I’ll be better able to fuck the daylights out of you if we don’t get severely injured or killed in a car accident on the way. Haven’t you ever read ‘Thinner’, Allison?”

FIN

 

P.S. Ooops, I did it again! Pulled a fast one on you guys. Sorry about the tricksy-ness, my smut!muses were being very insistent on this point. Oh well, at least I didn’t make it a dream sequence again.

Not to worry, though, not all parts of this fic are necessarily going to be House-and-Cam-as-stable-couple-roleplaying-to-spice-things-up. Hell, I think this’ll be the only one, unless I get vetoed by the smut!muses again. Anyways, stay tuned for Part II: House and Cameron caught by jealous!Chase!!!