And Anonymous, the mysterious collective of /b/-tards, anti-Scientology activists, and troublemakers SHOWED UP! We had put out the call for them to come to X-Day for two main reasons:  To get more cash for “Bob,” and to infect /b/ with our own memes in retaliation for the chan memes infecting our own weirdness. (Even Reverend Eggplant was greeting everyone with “Oh hai!”) After the SubGenius turned out for Anonymous’ street protests in 2008, Anonymous came to X-Day and met the Church of the SubGenius on its own terms. And what was the outcome of this meeting of the mind-warpers? If anyone truly came out on top, it was “Bob.”

Some of the Anons kept to themselves, only identifying themselves with a whisper, “Pssst – I’m Anonymous.” Others were more blatant, coming with their V masks and making no secret that they were Anonymous. Of the various Anons to be there, the one most likely to become a full-fledged Bobbie was the one from the New York City Anonymous, who was completely seduced by “Bob,” chewed up and spit out, and finally dubbed “RevAnon.” He will no doubt be spreading the word of “Bob” amongst the other Anons, and I would not be surprised if several Dobbsheads show up when Anonymous has its “Over 9000 Man March” in Washington, DC later this month.

And as for the rest of the SubGenii: we saw many new faces there this year, including several who actually got off their asses and DID things. This all added up to a glorious triumph for all…except perhaps for the ones who annoyed a lot of the regulars by insisting on being the center of attention and doing whatever the hell they wanted, no matter what. But this year’s X-Day was a high-water mark that may not be equaled…until NEXT year, when we get to do it all over again.

And the details?

For starters, the weather itself was at the beck and call of “Bob.” It rained incessantly, constantly for a full four days before the SubGenii began arriving…until Tuesday, when the rain stopped and the mutants appeared as if from out of nowhere. For the entire time between Tuesday (the day before) and Monday (the day after, there was only one single period of rain. “Bob” made sure to schedule the traditional torrential downpour for Thursday morning, when the SubGenii gathered at the main stage to B.S. and swap media. Other than that, there was NO RAIN! The other days were sunny and hot, the nights were clear and cool, and the perfect weather continued even after we finally left on Sunday.

Many familiar faces appeared, all of whom were welcome – Eggplant, Eggplant Jr., (a.k.a. Rev. Brainleak), Joy D’Veeve and Nigel, Popess Pantiara and Tangent, Bucky, Leonard the Committed…and Pisces and Two Beans, Dr. K’Taden Legume, Susie the Floozie, Nickie Deathchick and Bob Wild, the noble Dr. Howland Owll, Reverend Stang and Princess Wei, and the Amino Acids. And many, many more mutants – some of whom are alt.slack regulars, others of whom were there for the first time and had not found their SubGenius names yet. But nameless or not, they had parties! Joy D’Veeve outdid herself, Eggplant kept everyone plied with coffee, and the liquids (alcohol) and herbs (habafropzipulops) flowed nonstop.

A new generation of SubGenii is beginning to appear among the old-timers, as we saw with the lovely faces of Reverend Little Lies and the Volkerdings’ demonic spawn. Even Dr. Legume’s long-lost daughter, Rev. Anna, was there at X-Day for the first time. She had the advantage of being under the guard of the most fearsome SubGenius alive; but despite this she STILL had a great time, and I do hope she returns to Brushwood many times in the future.

And once again we were graced with the presence of the noble Dr. Howll, who was a gentleman as always. It is always an honor being at Brushwood with this man, and especially sharing the stage with him for managing the Bulldada Auction. Whether selling a piece of utter crap at the auction, or performing with Stang for one of several live Hours of Slack, or exercising his considerable artistic talent, this is a man whose calm demeanor contrasts the wild antics of Stang and Legume, and provides an anchor in the sea of chaos that is X-Day. More importantly, he knows how to milk humor from anything…and this is why the Bulldada Auction was such a great success.

Ahhh, yes – the Auction! Set in three parts over three days, the Bulldada Auction once again plumbed the depths of Pink stupidity and provided a treasure trove of multimedia of all sorts to be auctioned off…with bids going for as little as $1 for other, and at least two items going for $50! The infamous “Evidence Bible” by whackjob Kirk Cameron and his “Way of the Master” ministries went for a paltry $3 (a bargain!), while Anonymous engaged in a bidding war over Andrew Morton’s unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise. And then there was Dr. Dark’s contribution of scanned images from disgusting underground comic books, which turned out to be one of the $50 bids! From the “Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality” to “Leanna Quigley’s Horror Workout” (a rare VHS tape!) to the Loompanics catalog, to early vinyl albums by Lonesome Cowboy Dave – who was ALSO there on stage! – this was an Auction that seized the audience and caused the laughs (and dollars) to flow like water. Praise Dr. Howll for his management of the Auction!

Yes, this is truly a might Church to be in, to have friends like Dr. Howll. And another good friend, the legendary D.J. Shaver, got some true Slack at X-Day by giving us the finest D.J. Shaver Dog And Pony Show of all! Best of all, he FINALLY had an AUDIENCE for his show! Due to unfortunate circumstances, Shaver’s shows at X-Day were performed on stage in front of small audiences of maybe fifteen people at the most…but not THIS time. He had a real audience, and he kept them in stitches throughout his entire performance as he subjected them to some of the strangest music of all time…AND, some of the greatest porn! Where else but X-Day could you see a live sex show on stage as three Sex Goddesses licked, tasted, and sucked on…IT?!?

Fat Free, the bulldada musicians from the 2007 Baltimore Devival, lived up to their promise and came to X-Day to perform. Their own declaration about their music was simple: “We suck!” Would that many other bands sucked in the manner that Fat Free sucked at Brushwood! Not ONLY did they put on a rockin’ show (complete with an AC/DC cover entitled, “For Those Who Wait For ‘Bob,’ We Salute You”), not ONLY did they complete their set in time, not ONLY did they participate in the events, but they ALSO became fast friends with the Aminos and helped run the Sacred Swag Shack. They gave away tons of stickers, CD, and other memorabilia, but many mutants gladly paid for their suckiness anyways. My own words to them before they left were: “You guys suck. And if you want to come back again next year and suck some more, I doubt anyone will mind at all.” Their response: “We’ll make sure it’s even worse!” (Pisces later commented that she had never seen the guys in Fat Free have as much fun playing on stage as they did at X-Day. They truly enjoyed themselves, and before they left they were already planning to return next year.

But by far, the show was stolen by the Amino Acids, who gave us their wildest and most energetic show EVER! Those who made the pilgrimage to Brushwood were promised that they would see aliens, and they DID INDEED see aliens…but before the show, we were blessed with the world premiere of Part 1 of the AMINO ACIDS MOVIE! Soon to be in theaters (or at least on DVD), a packed house was treated to the beginnings of a mysterious tale involving children being possessed by aliens, clown murders, and the terrorizing of innocents. And once again, somehow, during the midst of the screening, the Amino Acids themselves materialized out of thin air to take the stage and give the audience a rock show they would NEVER FORGET!

And the alien presence of the Aminos was ONLY THE BEGINNING! For when the show was over, the entire crowd of gathered SubGenii was summoned to the Roundhouse for the annual Ikon Burning of “Bob”…except this time, THINGS happened that had never been seen at the bonfire before! “Bob” was indeed burned at that bonfire, but at the same time a non-stop, unending rain of parachuting aliens descended upon that bonfire during the time of the burning. The fire consumed most of them, yet every so often it would take one of the mysterious creatures and float it dozens of feet into the air, before finally letting the extraterrestrial descend into the fire in a spark of flame. AND THEN CAME THE UFO LAUNCHING! A giant flaming ball appeared in the midst of the Roundhouse, and it slowly ascended for MILES into the midnight sky, casting a luminescent glow upon Brushwood that outshone the Moon, as the inexplicable alien vessel sailed off into the sky, becoming a point of light with the stars themselves before disappearing forever. I am convinced that by this time next year, there will be at least five kook UFO videos on the market showing footage of this strange apparition.

But even the UFOs were not the only supernatural event to take place at X-Day. By nightfall on Saturday night, the LIVING DEAD were coming to life and swarming across the fields, devouring the living and anything else in their sight. Not only was Tiki Banzai invaded by zombies, but the corpse of the much-beloved-and-hated musician Chas Smith (founder of Einstein’s Secret Orchestra) was resurrected, and it watched over the stage show as a warning to all. Then, in a surreal moment, the long-sundered members of ESO appeared from out of nowhere to gather on the fields of Brushwood, and launch Chas’s body off into the sky in a blaze of rocket fire that climaxed in huge explosions! Chas’ essence was spread across the gathered denizens of Brushwood and the Church of the SubGenius, and this resulted in even stranger incidents occurring later that weekend. (Even the Sacred Megaphone itself was resurrected from the dead! After performing faithfully for all these years, the Megaphone suddenly committed suicide and no longer worked…until tech-meister Ouroboros Rex performed an arcane ritual upon it that bestowed life upon the instrument once again.)

How strange and bizarre were the actions of the SubGenii at X-Day? Ask those who saw the GOAT, and who did things to the GOAT that I’ll not repeat here. That poor goat was held captive at the stage, and violated in every possible orifice in ways that would make stalwart men vomit. Indeed, J.R. “Bob” Dobbs himself could not look upon the depravities inflicted upon that GOAT while the bands were playing…for “Bob” himself had been captured and imprisoned! Unable to escape from the shackles and stocks constructed by Leonard the Committed, “Bob” was flogged, flayed, sodomized, and mocked throughout the weekend.

Then there was the strangeness of Mike Bison (BITCH!). These two guys played a multimedia set, complete with one of the strangest musical instruments I have ever seen: a modified Atari 2600 game system set up as a crude electronic synthesizer. Their music was so weird, they caught the crowd off-guard, but people became more attuned to it when they gave encore performances (again and again) at their campsite and at the Brushwood Roundhouse for the next couple of days.

And then came Chick-n-Hed, a.k.a. ChickenHed. I understand these people got kudos for their performance at the Final SubGenius Devival in Seattle, but you never would have know it based on their behavior at X-Day. They arrived at 1:30 in the morning on the night before the Rupture, claimed the area of the stage as their own, and stayed there partying nonstop for the entire night, the entire next morning, and all the way into late Saturday afternoon before they finally disappeared and went to recuperate. How they got all of the energy to do this was beyond me, though some say there may have been a METHod to their madness. ChickenHed were determined to do X-Day their way, regardless of what others in the vicinity wanted. To be fair, they were polite and they didn’t break anything or hurt anyone during their stay there. However, their insistence in doing it their own way, complete with whining how we were actually part of the Conspiracy because suggested they follow the rules, didn’t win them many converts in the end. (Their electronic techno-raver music actually sounds pretty good, though their incessant “dope dope dope dope dope dope” samples drove people nuts.)

I mustn’t forget to mention the pagan who finally got sick of our noise at 6:00 AM on the morning of July 5th, barely one hour before the Rupture. We had been playing loud music and partying all night at the various campsites, as happens every year before the Rupture, when the guy strolled over to the sound system, turned it off, and angrily said, “It’s six o’clock in the morning.” Our response: “No shit, and the world ends in an hour!” Well, he didn’t appreciate this, so he went over to the main stage and disturbed Pisces, who was catching a few winks of much-deserved sleep before the Rupture. Pisces came over to see what was going on, and when we explained the situation, her response was simply: “Oh, okay, whatever.” My condolences to the pagan who got tired of it, but if he was a Brushwood regular he would have realized that this happens EVERY July 5th. (At least we’ve gotten used to their own all-night drum circles.)

And the Rupture itself…

6:30 AM saw the sounds of an angry siren blasting through the SubGenius camps, awakening them from their drunken reverie and slumber. The turnout for the Rupture was the greatest it had ever been since 1998! ChickenHed was there, playing their music and basically trying to hog all the attention for themselves. But despite that, 7:00 AM came and Pisces had wonderful homemade chocolate aliens for all. The countdown came…and went…and there we were, once again, standing in the field looking like assholes, disappointed once again. Disappointed…that we’d come all the way out to Brushwood to PARTY our asses off! “Bob,” if you keep disappointing us every year with these failed prophecies, then we’re going to have to keep coming back to Brushwood to party like it’s the end of the world – every freakin’ year. That’s just SO BAD!

And that doesn’t change the fact that there was indeed a prophecy fulfilled this year. Some years, X-Day has ended with a sense of some disappointment, as if this might be the last year because it just isn’t worth it. This year, that feeling wasn’t there at all. It was, instead, a sensation of pure SLACK…and the certainty that we will be there next year at Brushwood. That is when we will FINALLY see the prophecy of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs fulfilled, and the Xists WILL arrive at last!

And especial thanks and credit is due to the Herculean efforts of Priestess Pisces, for managing the behind-the-scenes stuff that makes X-Day happen. Want to know how we actually kept to the schedule? Thank Pisces! Want to know how Stang wasn’t delayed in his appearances and there weren’t overly long waiting times for the events? Thank Pisces! Want to know how ChickenHed survived X-Day without getting their asses kicked by pissed-off SubGenii? Thank…well, okay, thank Two Beans for that one.

But Pisces managed it all by herself! (And with help from Angry Larry, Ouroboros Rex, Two Beans, the Brushwood staff, and many willing victi…err, volunteers.) If there’s anyone we should bow down and kiss a lovely ass for making X-Day so great, it’s Pisces. Even Stang acknowledged that he got a lot of Slack this X-Day, thanks to HER.

And finally...even though we state right on the X-Day Web site that we want people to stay through Sunday and take the extra time to go home on Monday, almost none of them did. And it was YOUR LOSS! Because the ones who stayed on Sunday were treated to a surreal experience, courtesy of Dr. Legume, that added yet another notch to the legend of Tiki Banzai. How wild was this? Suffice to say, when it ended the Brushwood staff were tearing open the trunks of cars looking for bodies. Don’t believe me? Ask the Brushwood staff themselves…