A folk Tale ([info]tygerofdanyte) wrote in [info]heart_on,
@ 2006-12-16 03:59:00
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Entry tags:for critique, user: tygerofdanyte

Slap abuzz that Shaving cream...
I've got crits around here, one recent and the other fe probably a few months back. I doubt any of you remember me, I was a small part of the community, but I'm back I suppose. As usual any crit is appreciated.
~~



Fear of her father's belt struck her shivering that night.
So
shaking she might slap abuzz some shaving
cream and deem it necessary for a sweet-sixteen
party for her razor, and like all girls she will
wonder if it's the hair on her skinny ass legs
that's gonna get cut or that purple banyan-vine
in the middle of her wrist, that'll go the way
of things long gone. You know, my love,
of Monet, of cherry garcia, and of sensual lips.

~~

That's it.

Arun K.


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[info]populvuh
2006-12-17 09:29 pm UTC (link)
The subject is really powerful and one that I think deserves a lot of attention and expression. I think you really caught the desperation and intense emotions that young girls feel, the pressure and need for release that goes hand in hand with things like cutting and body image.

The beginning and end seem a little underexplored. I could see an abusive father playing a big role in a young girl's anxiety but I think that that issue is also really huge and needs a little more exploration. The use of "fear... struck" and belt is a really nice play though.

you know my love presents two characters (the speaker and "you, my love") that hadn't been presented yet. Then the beautiful items that followed are a big contrast to the images that preceeded it. I would guess that that was the intention but it's unclear exactly why you put them in. It also ends the poem on a different tone than what came before.

Why is 'So' on its own line? Also, that's the only sentence break in the poem (except the end) and i don't think it needs to be there. So could apply to both the previous sentence and the following one. "Fear struck her so" "So shaking..."

I would pay more attention to your line breaks and why you break in the middle of an idea. The length of a line should be secondary to the ideas expressed.

Very powerful.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2006-12-18 02:14 am UTC (link)
put something real, unique in there, so it strikes out more. it sounds like a huge lumping together of different issues faced by teenagers today. Something unique that people don't often think about but everyone has experienced will help the reader relate to this girl more. Right now, since realism is something you want in here, a little bit of personal detail will really help. She seems too much of a symbol. I liked the ending though. And though I understand the purpose of the line break at "so," it seems a bit detracting.

I also kinda wonder if you broke up the lines more and simulated the "banyan vine," if that'd add to the poem...

Pero
le me gusta.
(I think that's
how you say it in
Spanish)

Just my two cents =]

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[info]tygerofdanyte
2006-12-21 01:14 pm UTC (link)
Haha... simulating a banyan vine is a hard thing to do, and at this point (err in the morning) I probably wouldn't be able to wrap my head around it. However, I'm just looking at this and trying to figure out what the different issues are? I see one...maybe two (with the use of the first line as allusion to a secondary issue). Please explain.

Other points are noted and will be thought over.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2006-12-21 05:41 pm UTC (link)
If you help me with my poem, I'll help you with yours. '_~

Kholberg stage two moral development. =[ I fear I'm never moving past this stage.

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[info]tygerofdanyte
2006-12-21 11:30 pm UTC (link)
... The quid pro quo is somewhat annoying. I'm not saying that I"m not going to help you out. But, stating that help will only be given once I offer my own takes away part of this forum's purpose.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2006-12-22 03:56 am UTC (link)
It's a joke. =] The Kholberg stage two moral development was a jab at myself because you are suppose to move past this stage by the age of... six or seven, if you believe that you develope cognitively while morally.

There's really not much that you want me to answer that you haven't already answered yourself and that's why I'm not exactly jumping to answer like bam. Those were the main issues that I was pointing towards. Plus perhaps a small reference to weight at the "skinny ass" bit. Those are all... very stereotypical teenage problems, but of course, I know that you're not trying to make light of them but really trying to bring the dark side. It is just a bit difficult when they have been used so much as story/movie plots that the instant it is mentioned, the word "trite" and its synonyms pop up like daisy in my mind. It would really require something that really deviate from the norm to bring that side out. You have to really help the reader relate to the girl. Learn that she's beyond these things and an actual person.

I hope that helped.

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[info]therompedone
2006-12-19 12:16 am UTC (link)
Fear of her father's belt struck her shivering that night. I think this may be your best line - but I feel like it would be more powerful simply as the belt.
So completely unecessary.
shaking she might slap abuzz some shaving the line break on this one is confusing - at first i'm thinking the act of shaving, but then i read cream and actually have to do almost a double take for a moment.
cream and deem it necessary for a sweet-sixteen i like the idea of a sweet-sixteen party for the razor, although i'm not entirely sure whether you mean you're just beginning to shave or that you're so depressed you want to cut. its a bit ambiguous is all.
party for her razor, and like all girls she will all girls wonder if they're going to cut their wrists? really?
wonder if it's the hair on her skinny ass legs i like the use of profanity - without it, it'd just be skinny legs, which aren't necessarily a bad thing.
that's gonna get cut or that purple banyan-vine best image hands down, purple banyan-vine. i don't like the word gonna because so far you've been pretty formal.
in the middle of her wrist, that'll go the way
of things long gone. You know, my love,
of Monet, of cherry garcia, and of sensual lips. bunching these last few lines together - decent ending. i like the first two images, monet and cherry garcia, but the sensual lips alludes to another, entirely separate feeling, one aside from the insecurities and suicidal feelings of a sad teenage girl. perhaps the sensual lips mean that she no longer can love sexually, which can be creepy if you consider that you began the poem with the father being the reason for these suicidal thoughts - or at least in my mind you did.


by all means, just suggestions of course. also there are some random rhymes - i'm not sure if they're purposeful but be careful about rhyming.

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[info]therompedone
2006-12-19 12:17 am UTC (link)
arg i forgot to add in dashes to separate my comments from your poem. i'm in italics. sorry for the confusion.

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[info]theblankpaper
2006-12-21 07:20 am UTC (link)
-Too many gerunds. They're the weakest verb form.

-There's some decent description in here, but I'm still getting that teenage angst suicide vibe, and... eh. Not to underscore whatever you've got to deal with, but it's such a tired subject.

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[info]tygerofdanyte
2006-12-21 01:11 pm UTC (link)

On the subject of gerunds, I see two actual Gerunds (line 1: shivering, line 3: shaking) I suppose shaving is also a gerund but when taken within the context of shaving cream, it automatically takes on another meaning. I can definitely see gerunds being too common, but I"m trying to figure out how you can call them the weakest verb form, while they aren't the strongest, their sense of urgency and immediacy should often at least delineate some level of... confidence (for the lack of a better word) in its usage.

I often take it as a compliment or at least slight credibility when others automatically connect my work with my own life experiences, when no such experience exists.

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[info]theblankpaper
2006-12-21 05:19 pm UTC (link)
A gerund is a part of a verb, it doesn't become a verb until it's activated by context, whereas other verb forms are such no matter what the context. On their own, just like the past participles, they function like adjectives, modifying whatever they are close to, and too much modification is generally not the best move. There's also the added syllable that tends to stand out if there's too much of it going on; they're the easiest to use and generally speaking, shift some focus from the poem to the poet's choice. Not always a bad thing, I use them myself from time to time, but they should be used very sparingly. In this particular case, though this poem isn't absolutely rife with them, there's enough "-ing" happening in a short sequence to stand out.

Having been a mod at boards with many members of the pubescent variety that write poems about their miasmic homework turmoil and such that I've come to include such disclaimers whenever approaching a poem that touches on "sensitive" subject matter. It's a bit too easy for statements on the poem to be taken as insensitive or insulting to the poet. That said, I did buy that it was autobiographical, which is a good thing. Seeing as how it's not, I humbly offer this advice: avoid seemingly autobiographical poems about depression and suicide. They've been done millions of times, mostly by teenagers without the slightest idea about what they're doing, which makes it nigh impossible to write about without immediately flooding the readers' mind with every shitty "my life is a dark pit of darkness" poem they've ever read, thus rendering the poem guilty by association.

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[info]tygerofdanyte
2006-12-21 11:31 pm UTC (link)
both points are noted and accepted as true.

BTW: aren't all boards filled with many members of the pubescent variety? :)

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2006-12-22 03:59 am UTC (link)
but not all of us whine.

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[info]theblankpaper
2007-01-01 03:13 am UTC (link)
Some are worse than others. Some quickly degenerate from solid to awful, making the awful seem... well, that much more awful. Personally, I like boards that require some sort of "rite of passage" of each potential member to ensure a level of overall quality, but most of them fall apart over time as the egos get bored.

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