Shiver Me Timbers
We kind of dared each other into writing this, and now we've dared each other into posting it here! Looks like I drew the short straw. :D


Title: Shiver Me Timbers
Authors: gypsyjr, priscellie, tigerkat24, and museinme8
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Do I even need to say these guys don't belong to us?
Pairing: book!verse (or at least, book!verse a few years down Fanon Street) Harry/Murphy - collaborative AU Pirate-themed cracksmut. No, I don't know what the hell we were on either.
Summary: priscellie: "This [The Boone Identity] couldn't be more shippy if Harry was Captain of the Spanish main and Murphy was a pirate queen." ... And thus, crack was born.



Harry opened his eyes and looked around. He was standing on a boat, some kind of masted ship. His depth perception was all fucked up too... an eyepatch.

"Well," he said, and leaned back against a rail. "This is new."

---

"On your feet!" yelled a loud voice.... a loud and familiar voice.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

A sword embedded itself an inch deep in the rail beside him.

"And just what exactly do you find amusing about this situation?"

---

"Absolutely nothing, ma'am," he replied meekly, standing up straight. He towered over the petite pirate currently glaring up at him, but that didn't seem to bother her. It never had in reality, so what made him think it would in this sideways version of life?

Besides, being tall had other benefits. He'd never seen Murphy in a corset before, and the view was proving to be...interesting.

---

When she spoke again, her voice was dangerously calm. It was a voice he'd been on the recieving end of plenty of times, though obviously never in this context.

"Keep those eyes front if you wish to keep them."

"Yes ma'am."

---

She prowled around him, felinely amused, and shoving him away from the rail when it got in her way. Harry gulped. Whatever the hell was going on, it did not bode well for him. Bound to be embarrassing, at the very least. Actually, scratch that, already was embarrassing.

A faint smile tugged at the corner of Murphy's mouth as she directed her gaze exactly where he didn't want it. Or did..but not the point. "Tsk."

"Hey!" he retorted, somewhat less than suavely. "You get to look and I don't? That's not fair!"
The sword swung up and tickled the underside of his chin. "Being insolent, sailor?"

---

No, I--MPH."

Before he could stammer out a response, she expertly swept his legs out from under him with a kick, sending him sprawling to the deck with a thud. Not a second later, she was on top of him, eyes gleaming.

"You were saying?"

---

"I was shutting up," Harry said obediently, wincing at his bumped head. Murphy grinned, and she ran her hands up his chest and down his arms, as if claiming the territory. Then she started with the buttons.

Harry gasped and shivered, the pleasurable sensations making him forget the pain. "Okay, before I shut up, one question: what the hell is going on?"

---

"I'm reaping my rewards." She said, the grin never leaving her face as she slowly ripped one button after another. "Now hush, or I'll keel-haul you and find someone else's rewards to reap."

Now that Harry was quiet, he could focus on more important things. The view from this angle was about as interesting as the one from above. Mmm. He could get use to this version of Murphy.

---

It was, alas, probably a dream. The pirate ship alone suggested that, though the ship wasn't half so improbable as Murphy in a corset and a pirate hat, perched at a cocky angle atop her golden hair. The hat was currently defying the laws of physics by staying on.

Actually most of Murphy was defying the laws of physics. Actually, bits of him were defying the laws of physics too, most specifically the bit Murphy was currently wiggling her bottom against.

Harry reached up to try and administer a little of the torture she was inflicting on him and got his hand unceremoniously smacked back down to the deck. "I'm the one doing the reaping here, wizard-boy," she purred. "Stay."

Dammit. Even his dreams were unfair.

Though the wiggling hadn't stopped.

---

Harry begrudgingly accepted said commands, closing his eyes and simply enjoying. Normally when magic went all crazy around him, he was hurting, this, was definitely much more enjoyable, although his hands were itching to touch something warm and soft.

He felt the cool wind on his torso, and looked up, his shirt now gone.

"Ooh...my rewards are a bit better put together than I expected." Murphy grinned, running her hands down the planes of Harry's torso. Harry shivered softly. He could get to enjoy this!

"Aye..." He murmured once and settled again.

---

She drew back, eliciting a groan of frustration. Her hair shone in the sunlight as she smirked at him. It was a downright romance novel-y sight.

He just hoped Fabio wasn't going to show up any time soon.

Fortunately, he was quickly distracted from that rather terrifying thought.

---

Murphy stretched backwards, arching her back like a dancer, bracing her arms on either side of his hips and thrusting her breasts forward--er, even further forward than they had been. Sheesh, if she didn't want him to touch, why did she keep doing things like that?

Harry made up his mind, and shoved himself off the deck. He caught her in his arms before she could move and kissed her thoroughly, letting his hands roam where they would. He was fairly sure he was going to pay for that particular move. But hey, worth every second.

---

Murphy struggled weakly, despite her slow melt into his kiss, her own hands running up the lengths of his arms, as Harry decided to explore his own bounty.

Her body was athletic and toned like a dancer's, but had enough supple curves to keep him interested for years. Murphy's thighs straddled his hips, and Harry quickly became more interested.

---

His vision blurred. Whether that was from the sun in his eyes or something else entirely was the last thing on his mind at this particular moment, as the deck creaked beneath them.

Oh... right. "Can we take this somewhere a little more private?"

---

"Why?" she asked, her voice deep and throaty. "It's not like there's anyone else here. And besides..." she ran her hands down his back as her hips did a slow circle over his, "I like the sun on my back."

He swallowed. Hard.

---

"As...ah...sunny as it is up here." He said, watching her frame again silhouetted by the light, and licking his lips softly. "I have a feeling that with your intensity we'd end up breaking wood...and I don't really want to end up with splinters in...interesting places."

With ease, he got to his feet, her legs clasped about his waist. Murphy only grinned a bit, pressing herself close.

"Good enough, pirate..."

---

"Captain's quarters," she murmered, pointing the way with the hand that wasn't otherwise occupied. He leaned in for one more kiss, slightly surprised that he was still able to move.

---

Murphy squeezed with her inner thighs, grinding their pelvises together, and Harry had to grab the rail to keep from falling over. Wobbling slightly on legs apparently made of jelly, he eventually managed to let go of the rail and traverse the deck, towards the aforementioned quarters.

As he hobbled, she busied herself in the search for new and interesting parts of his anatomy to kiss, bite, or suck on, all of it above the collarbones. Harry felt his legs go weak again at the thought of what she might do when her options were a little more open.

---

Somehow he managed to get to the door before his legs gave out; somehow he managed to open the door while still filling his hands with as much of Murphy as he could reach. He didn't see too much of the room, occupied as he was. Harry had a blurry impression of bay windows covered with velvet curtains and an improbably large bed before he stumbled over a trunk and ended up heaped in a chair, Murphy atop him.

Sitting down made life easier. He kissed his way down her throat and fumbled his way down the back of the corset, tugging at the lacings in a vain attempt to get them undone. She laughed at him, a husky sound from deep in her throat, and ran her nails lightly down his bare chest. "Having trouble there, sailor?"

---

"Who designed these things, a sexually frustrated masochist?"

Her answering laugh became a throaty growl as he finally managed to loosen the last lace. With a wicked grin, she ran a hand down his torso in the general direction of his belt.

---

Murphy, feeling unusually helpful, kissed his neck again, her lips soft, and feeling way too good for their own, result.

"Woman...you want out of this thing or not?" he protested weakly, and fidgeted for the cords again. In one move, Murphy reached back and pulled the cord, . Her breasts pushing against the heavy fabric and into Harry's chest.

Gravity? What was that? Harry decided his parts weren't listening to that particular rule.

His hands ran over Murphy's unharvested booty, and scooted her a little closer. "Good enough for me."

---

Harry tugged fitfully at the top of the suddenly unlaced corset, wishing he could make it magically disappear. Murphy, chest still pressed to his, raised her arms obligingly, then settled them around his neck. Eventually it came loose, and Harry gave himself a good whack on the chin with it in his haste to remove the impediment.

Then there was nothing between them, above the belt at least. The belt that Murphy was now attacking with relish...

---

She appeared to be much more in control than he was, so Harry set about wrecking that control. He tossed the corset over his shoulder and cupped her breasts, one in each palm, weighing them thoughtfully. "Now what shall I do with these?" he mused aloud.

Her eyes gleamed down at him through the half-darkness. she slid the unbuckled belt through the loops of his pants and wrapped it around his shoulders, a predatory grin on her face. "You know exactly what to do with them," she said. "At least, if you know what's good for you."

He chuckled. "Yes, ma'am. Anything for a lady."

---

She pulled him towards her for another kiss, bitting at his lip softly as her hand moved southward.

"Watch who you're calling a lady."

---

She smiled a bit. "For that comment I might have you locked in the stocks." She said softly, moving back in trying to tug his pants down as he sat. Harry decided that it was time to retake his place in this situation. Using a bit of leverage, he popped himself up from the chair, Murphy still attached, and plopped down to the bed.

Harry landed with her underneath him, and as he bit a trail of kisses down her neck, nibbling just logn enough fora nice little red spot to be in every place he left, his hands continued to cup and caress her breasts.

"You can't lock me away in the stocks...pirate." He murmured, lips deep in warm flesh.

---

"Not the stocks then," she murmured, then moaned when Harry's teeth grazed the underside of a breast. "Still," she continued, "I'm sure I can find another place, to bind you up where you can't escape." She grasped the back of his head, fingers tangling in the handful of his hair, and dragged his mouth to the level of hers, a hairsbreadth away from a kiss. "You're my prisoner, after all," she breathed.

---

Harry kissed her firmly, then feathered his hands down her ribcage towards her own belt. "I'm your prisoner," he said, obediantly.
"And your skinny ass belongs to me."

"To do with as you like." He bent his head and kissed a nipple. "Totally-" another kiss, "-and completely-" and another, "-yours." This time he wrapped his mouth completely around the tip of her breast and sucked, hard.

Murphy gasped, and clenched her hands, provoking a yelp as his hair got yanked. "Glad we got that straight!" she said. "Now get to work!"
He did as he was told.

---

Harry watched as Murphy breathed, and as it did interesting things to her body, the light catching every curve and bump as his mouth stayed on her breast, running the nipple between his teeth even as his hands traveled downward.

"Land ho-" He murmured, although it came out garbled, as he managed to one handedly undo her belt, his long-fingered hands sliding underneath the hem of her pants.

---

She kicked off her boots and raised her hips accommodatingly. Harry, grateful that both his hands were intact in this strange hallucination, was able to divest her of both trousers and underwear with a couple of deft tugs. Then there she was, naked and writhing and glorious beneath him. He felt himself grow almost painfully hard. She saw the lustful look in his eye and grinned mischievously.

---

He grinned back at her, and leaned down to kiss her as he slid his fingers between her legs...

...and woke up, flat on his back in his own bed, fingers still curled.

"Goddamnit!"

---

Harry sighed a bit, looking down and seeing the results of a damned good dream, and graoned, fighting with the sheets before ending up on the cold, hardwood floor.

After a particularly colorful stream of obscenities, he made it to his feet.

"She was a pirate and it was sexy..." He pouted, rubbing his head with his good hand, before looking around blearily for the woman of his dreams.

---

Harry found his mind returning to the dream at odd moments throughout the next day. This became quite inconvenient, most notably when one particularly vivid sexual fantasy assaulted his senses while he was trying to pay attention to a harebrained old woman's story about hobgoblins in her kitchen pantry. Fortunately, she was too engrossed in her own tale to notice his reaction.

---

Unfortunately, Murphy wasn't even later that day.
"Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" she inquired, one golden eyebrow lifting and a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Just like in his dream. Harry swallowed.
"Uh..."

---

She gave him her best 'Don't mess with me' glare, which was quite formidable. "You've been distracted all day. Spill it."

"Well...um. I kinda had an interesting dream last night."

"Oh, really?"

---

Harry felt his face turning a shade of red generally reserved for fire engines and stop signs. "It, uh... well..."

Murphy's annoyed look became wickedly amused.

"The great Harry Dresden, reduced to monosyllables," she said. "Never thought I'd see the day." She took a step toward him, so that their bodies were only separated by a few inches, and she privately delighted in his obvious discomfort.

"Was I in it?"

---

Harry looked around frantically for rescue. There was none forthcoming. He tried to catch Rawlins's eye, but the older man only grinned broadly at him and proceeded, whistling, into the station. He was on his own.

"Well?" Murphy moved a hair closer to him. His face, if it was possible, got redder.

"Yes," he admitted, in a hoarse voice. "You were. Uh, can we take this conversation somewhere else?"

---

She raised an eyebrow at him as his sense of chivalry duked it out with his sense of self-preservation. She couldn't help thinking that if he blushed any more, he'd probably burst into flames.

"So, how long were you planning to keep me in the dark?"

---

In the dark?

Harry futilely willed his mind to think of something *other* than Murphy in the dark of the Captain's quarters, naked body lit by flickering candles. He knew the real Murphy was watching his reaction...

"Somewhere else. Private. Now," he managed to choke out.

---

Her smile widened. "One of those dreams, hmm? Have we been into Bob's stash?"

Harry gave her a flat look. "No. I prefer classier stuff than heaving alabastar bosoms. Come on."

"Make me." Now she was getting smug! Harry very nearly threw his arms up in exasperation.

Instead, he glanced around, saw no cops (or at least none who didn't know he was dating her), and picked her up. She yelped with surprise, and yelped again when he threw her over his shoulder. Ooo, she was going to hurt him, later, but man, would it be worth it...

---

They didn't go very far before he set her down near the Beetle. If looks could kill, he would have been a smoking stain on the sidewalk.

"You know you're going to pay for that."

"Well, you're the one who said 'make me.'"

"Bastard. You're not going to distract me that easily."

---

Harry bent to kiss her, the faithful Beetle partially blocking the view of anyone leaving the building, but Murphy jerked away the instant before their lips touched.

"No distractions!" she warned, jabbing him in the chest with her index finger. "I know your game, Dresden. You think if you kiss me, I'll conveniently ignore the way you hauled me across the parking lot like some hulking caveman dragging his unconscious mate to his love nest. Oh, no, you're telling me about this dream in detail, and until you do, I'm withholding sex."

---

Yes! She'd unintentionally handed him an advantage. Harry grinned broadly at her. "Murph, distractions are exactly what I'd like to avoid, and if I'm going to be a caveman I want you conscious and kicking."
She wrinkled her nose at him. "Don't talk to me about kicking. You might not like the result. What's this dream about?"
He leaned even closer, put his lips next to her ear, and whispered, "It started with a pirate ship. That reminds me; we need to buy you a corset."