Where's My Daddy?
Title: Where’s My Daddy?
Author: Priscellie (with chunks cribbed shamelessly from Terry Pratchett)
Rating: G
Word Count: 1212!
Verse: This is based on the book-verse, not TV-verse, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter one way or the other. Virtual cookies to anyone that spots my appropriation of TV apocrypha! And don't worry, knowledge of Terry Pratchett's works is not necessary to enjoy this fic!
Spoilers: I started to say "None, but it’s best enjoyed if you’ve read the full series, so you know all the characters referenced," but then I realized there are a few big, honking spoilers for Proven Guilty. So look out for that. :D
Summary: This is a story about reading a book about reading a book, which turns into a different book. But it all ends happily!
Disclaimer: Jim and Pterry are the Great Creators and Owner of All Characters. Please don’t sue me.

Author's Note: The idea for this fic was borne of a discussion on the forums about the possibility of Harry having kids and what it would mean to the series. I argued pro-kidlets, as Sam Vimes teaches us that you can have a kid and still prod buttock. After that, this fic seemed inevitable.

Enjoy this pure, mindless fluff to compensate for my deathfics. Insulin syringes are available on hand for those that require them.

As always, special thanks to tigerkat24, Beta-Extraordinaire. I thank her for not objecting to me kidnapping her Dresdlet for this story.




Birthdays were a special time in the Dresden-Murphy household.

Maggie had celebrated four of them, and the most recent was definitely the best. Maggie got a big cake that said "Happy 4th Birthday Maggie" in big letters. It was pink, which was her favourite color. Then there was Mommy and Daddy and Uncle Thomas and Grandmommy and Uncle Michael and Aunt Charity (who weren’t really her aunt and uncle, but she called them that anyway) and their family, plus Mommy’s brothers and sister, all of whom had brought presents. The baby in Mommy’s tummy started kicking during the Birthday Song, so he must have wanted to wish her a happy birthday, also. A lady with pretty blue and purple and green hair and another lady with green hair and green teeth showed up with a present, too, but Daddy got mad and made them go away.

But the best birthday present didn’t come on her birthday at all. It came on Daddy’s birthday a month later, but it was really a present for both of them. Aunt Molly (who also wasn’t really an aunt) gave him a copy of "Where’s My Cow?," an entertaining and educational book by Terry Pratchett. In the story, a man named Sam Vimes reads a story to his young son. Sam Vimes was the Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, just like Maggie’s daddy was a Regional Commander of the Wardens, and Maggie’s mommy was a Sergeant in the Chicago Police Department, which was like the City Watch, only "with more backbiting and paperwork," Mommy said.

The young son was also named Sam Vimes, and the story his daddy read to him was also called "Where’s My Cow?" It could be a bit confusing, but Maggie was a smart girl, and she could tell the difference. Maggie knew that her daddy’s name was Harry, but that Aunt Molly’s littlest brother was also named Harry, and she knew that her name was Margaret and so was Grandma Dresden’s. She knew Aunt Molly’s real name was Margaret, too, but that was just a cuh… co-win… cuh-win-see… she knew they weren’t named after the same person.

Sam Vimes (the daddy, not the little boy. The boy couldn’t read yet, unlike Maggie) read aloud to his son:

"Where's my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, 'Baa!'
It is a sheep!
That's not my cow!"

Sam Vimes was good at being a sheep. Maggie suspected her daddy was better. Both fathers continued:

"Where's my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, 'Neigh!'
It is a horse!
That's not my cow!"

Maggie laughed at the silly pictures and animal noises. Her daddy laughed at Maggie’s reaction.

Big Sam Vimes went on to read about pigs and chickens and even a hippopotamus! But he soon realized that teaching his son about real people in their real city was much more important than moo-cows and baa-lambs, so Mister Vimes invented his own version of the story! He read about Foul Ole Ron and the Patrician and Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, and instead of asking for a missing cow, Sam Vimes read:

"Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, 'I fink, derefore I am. I fink.'
It is Sergeant Detritus the troll!
That's not my daddy!"

Maggie didn’t know who these people were, so her daddy explained them. They were characters in a series of books called Discworld--just like Big Sam and Little Sam and Lady Sibyl and their pet swamp dragons. Maggie said she thought this sounded more interesting than the books she was reading for preschool, but her daddy said maybe when you’re a little older, and for now read the books Miss Kelly tells you to read even though they’re boring, and let’s see if we can find some books you can read outside of school that are more fun?

Vimes’ story concluded with:

"Where’s my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes "I arrest you in the name of the Law!
That’s my daddy!"

"No, that’s mommy!" Maggie interrupted.

"You know, you’re right!" her daddy said. "This story may be the best one for little Sam Vimes, but I bet we can come up with an even better one for Maggie Dresden!"

So the next night, her daddy decided to take try some changes of his own. He read:

"Where is my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
He says 'My faith protects me. My Kevlar helps.'
He is Michael Carpenter!
That is not my daddy!"

"But he’s Molly’s daddy!" Maggie said, delighted. "And Danny and 'Licia and Matthew and 'Manda and Hope and Little Harry."

"But he’s not your daddy now, is he?" her father said.

"No! You’re my daddy!" she said, standing up and hugging him around the neck.

"That’s right!" her daddy said, kissing her on the nose. "Now:

"Where is my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
He says "Mmm, Miss July."
He is Bob the Skull!
That is not my daddy!"

"Eeeeew," Maggie said, scrunching up her nose. "Bob can’t be a daddy!"

"The world would tremble," her daddy agreed, then read on.

"Where is my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
He says "I'm brilliant as well as skilled.
It's a great burden, all of that on top of my angelic good looks,
But I try to soldier on as best I can."
He is Carlos Ramirez!
That is not my daddy, though he is a Regional Commander, too!"

Maggie laughed. She liked Carlos very much, because he was silly like her daddy, and sometimes he brought her presents when he came to visit. He brought presents for Aunt Molly, too, like record albums with loud music on them or yummy chocolate (Molly always shared) or mysterious boxes he said had to be unwrapped in private. Maggie never found out what was in those boxes, and Molly’s face turned bright pink when she asked. Once she saw them kissing, which was gross.

Harry read:

"Where is my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
He says 'My name is Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden. Conjure by it at your own risk’."

"That’s my daddy!" Maggie cried.

"Smart girl!" he said, kissing his daughter on the forehead and tucking her in. With a gentle effort of will, he set her nightlight aglow, and an array of soft, colorful lights in shifting patterns decorated the walls. Maggie let out a contented sigh and burrowed down into the covers.

"Love you, Magpie," Harry whispered from the doorway, then nearly collided with his wife just outside the room.

"That was adorable," she murmured, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"We done good," he said, leaning down to kiss her and placing a hand on the swell of her belly. When the kiss finally ended, Karrin was the first to speak.

"Where’s my husband?
Is that my husband?
He says ‘Why yes, my dear wife,
I would leap at the chance to give you a foot rub,
Then spend the night making out like teenagers’."

Harry grinned, knowing it would get him in trouble but unable to resist. "That’s my cow!" he said.

She punched him genially in the arm. "Pig!"

"It goes 'oink, oink,' he agreed.

"That’s my husband," she said wryly. She grinned, dragging him back to their bedroom, and shut the door.