Holy shit! It's been a long ass time since I last posted. Life, sometimes, can be too much...life. That and I finally got cable - I haven't had cable for 2 years so there was a lot of catching up to do!

On to THE COVER (of coma-y doom)



I have to say this cover is total bullshit! Liz spends the entire book bitching and moaning about how much she hates the bike and how it scares her and how Todd is going to leave her for bitches that put out. On motorcycles. Yet, the cover makes her seem so excited - like Todd has just found her G spot!

THE STORY (God help us all)

Todd gets a motorcycle and because of this purchase, we are forced to hear the tale of Liz and Jess' older cousin, Remy, who, like a moron, got a motorcycle and proceeded to crash it (and subsequently kill himself) immediately after. And since it happened to one person, it will happen to everyone. And that bit of reality isn't the scariest part of this sad tale of death and twisted metal. No, the scariest thing is Jess' concern for her sister's safety. I know, I know - I, too, am SHOCKED beyond words.

Liz is a pussy who is too afraid to tell her boyfriend, who supposedly loves her so freaking much, that she is forbidden to ride a motorcycle. I'm surprised this hasn't come up in past conversations - "Hey babe, I really love motorcycle and it's been my life's dream to own one." "Really? My cousin Remy, who I loved so very dearly, croaked on one of those things." "Oh damn, so I guess that means you won't be able to ride the bike." "Yeah, sorry, sweets." We could have avoided this whole fucking story! Anyway, she eventually tells him about her cousin after he shows her the sweet pink helmet he bought for her. Todd is so understanding (aww...puke) and doesn't want to make Liz all uncomfortable. "She had a feeling everything was going to work out fine." Never EVER end a chapter like that. GUARANTEED everything is going to turn to shit faster than Indian food!

The Dairi Burger (reopened by some dude who is going to go nameless because he can't fucking spell Dairy) is having its grand opening and Liz is waiting for Todd. While waiting she has the hot clam special. Which sounds like it should be slang for eating a girl out. You know? But anyway. Jess arrives with her loser boyfriend and he rear ends Crunch's car. Crunch (pay attention - this is what those writing types call "foreshadowing") is a high school drop out who just so happens to be a raging alcoholic. But he looks old so he can get into bars and feed his habit. It's really the feel good story of the summer. But what I don't get is that Jess is all worried about Liz and motorcycle safety when she is driving in a car with a guy that can't see a giant fucking van in front of him. So Crunch decides he is going to beat this kid's ass from here to eternity. Todd shows up on his motorcycle just as this kid is about to have his colon forcibly removed and saves the day. It would seem Crunch has the attention span of a gnat so he forgets all about this kid and the ding in his car. Liz is all excited to run over and hug her man when she sees that fucking skank ass ho, Mandy, get off the back of the bike! Dun-dun-duh! Now, if this were me, I really wouldn't give a shit. In fact, I would be happy that he has the bike. He managed to be a hero without doing any real work. And he got free food out of the deal. That's a-ok by me!

The next couple of chapters are boring as fuck. Basically, Liz is bitching and moaning that her boyfriend is giving other girls rides on his motorcycle and is going to leave her for someone with parental permission to ride a motorcycle. Blah, blah, blah. Fucking LAME. As far as I'm concerned, all these bitches can go suck a sausage. However, in all this boringness, Todd manages to get jealous when he sees Liz roll up with the keyboard guy from the (illegally named) Droids. And this dude hits on Liz. Hard. Like, in a creepy, stalker sort of way. Like, I'm about to rape you if you don't get out of this car, kind of way. Anyway, Todd confesses that he is jealous when he sees her in cars with other guys. Which makes her confession that much easier. Aww...it's an after school special ending.

The rest of the story (up until face breaking) is all sub-plot so I'm going to skip all that shit and get to what I believe is the true reason this story was written - fucking. I think Liz opting to ride the motorcycle is a metaphor for fucking. "I'm giving up the experience of riding that bike with you. You're giving up your dream. It's not something you're making me do. It's something I want to do. Just tonight. Maybe it would be only this one ride, but he was going to do his best to make it an experience Elizabeth never forgot." Totally a metaphor about fucking. And then they crash and she is on her death bed. Lesson learned? Don't have sex - you'll end up knocked up, AIDS ridden, herpes infested and/or dead. Alrighty, let's skip to after the accident when Mr. Collins is talking to Todd. Let's pretend that Liz isn't lying in some coma, but knocked up and about to give birth. The advice that Mr. Collins is giving Todd would be "no, dude. It's not all your fault. You didn't wrap it up right. Not your fault the bitch got pregnant. She knew the chances, the risk. Thank god I always wrap it up. Uh, I mean, wear a "helmet."

So, the story ends with a cliffhanger. Is Liz going to live or die? Of course she's going to live. There are only about a million more of these fucking books!

SUB-PLOT

Enid is turning 16. Say it with me "yay." And, of course, she's bitchy about it. Her mom is making her *gasp* send out nice invitations to everyone. Is that all you have to worry about? No drunken aunt or mother to tell everyone how you were conceived in the back of a Trans Am or that the man you think is your father is really not. Chill the fuck out, man! Later on, Enid bitches about how she thinks her mother cares more about the party than her? NO! She cares about you, you ungrateful little shit! I would have LOVED to have a nice 16th birthday party with a band. And catered food. And tons of friends. And, to make matters worse, Enid doesn't even DESERVE a nice party. That little skank at 14 was smoking dope and fucking (as previously mentioned I'm sure).

And it wouldn't be a SVH story unless there was some Jessica time! Jess wants to be set up with Enid's cousin, Brian. Now, Jess hates Enid and told her current boyfriend about her "past" which was supposed to cause him to punch her...or something. And she probably did it because she wanted to fuck him. I don't know - I didn't read that book. Because of this, she ropes Liz into doing it for her. Oh yeah, did I mention that this guy is about 20 years old? I bet the local jail is full of guys that did Jessica.

So, while Liz and Enid talk at lunch, Liz finally asks if she could set up Brian with Jessica. And then is all surprised and tries to convince her otherwise after Enid says no. Why should Enid do something nice for that bitch hole when she's never apologized to you?!

Well, after some soul searching, Enid decides to hook Jess up with her older, college aged cousin. Why? Probably because he's a drunk or a really bad raper guy or, even better, gay. And, how does she repay Enid? By insulting her family - in front of her family! Rock on, Jess! You'll go a long way in this family!

I'm a little worried about why Mr. Collins is a chaperon at Enid's party. Is this a school function or is Mr. Collins a pedophile? Why the fuck else would he be a chaperon at a sweet 16 party? Doesn't Enid have some other family? What about her cousin, Brian? Actually, Brian would be a bad choice because he might be too busy fisting Jess to pay attention to a bunch of underage kids in a rock club. Also, a rock club that allows 16 year olds after midnight? Where is this magical Sweet Valley place and why didn't I grow up there? I could barely find a place that would accept my ass when I was 18!

Unfortunately for Enid, her party is RUINED because a drunk ass Crunch (remember how I told you he was a drunk and you would have to remember it) had to crash into the very same motorcycle he was going to purchase. Oh yeah, and he almost killed someone. Way to go, dumbass!!

Next up is DEAR SISTER. I can't wait - I guess Liz comes back and remembers everything but also wakes up with the desire to fuck. A lot. Which, according to this book, is real. WHOOT!

Sick of all your "friends" making fun of you because you're fat? Just lose weight, dummy! Apparently, being thin is the answer to all of life's problems. But enough of that - let's get to the cover!



I think the sisters are supposed to be mad at each other. "Supposed to" being the key words. The truth is, these girls are about to make out. Hard. 10 bucks says Jessica is the one who initiates the kiss. She's so friggin in love with herself. So she picks her sister. The way that Jess is gazing into Lizzie's eyes, the lust, those soft, supple lips, the passion...for herself. What the hell this has to do with poor, tubby Robin is beyond me. There must be a very thin line between trying to make your friend's life miserable and incest. And I'm not willing to test this theory.

THE STORY

At the end of...whatever the hell the last book was, Robin had just stolen a chemistry exam and planted it in some unsuspecting girl's locker so Jessica could continue screwing her lame ass boyfriend. Why? Why would she risk suspension or expulsion? For a coveted nomination into the Pi Beta Alphas (THE sorority to be in), that's why! Whatever. This story has been declared null and void by me because I don't know of a single goddamn high school that has a fucking sorority. Much less a high school with only ONE sorority. ARGH

Anyway, Robin still wants this nomination and Jess keeps telling her that she will get it if she:

1. Picks up her dry cleaning
2. Picks up books from the library (probably "How to Control Your Fat 'Best' Friend")
3. Gives her a foot massage while telling her how pretty she is (just a guess)

Of course Jess has NO intention of letting Robin in the sorority. Because she's fat. Fat people are like the fucking devil or something. Members will start dropping off like flies or, worse yet, get fat if they let a fat girl in. Liz, who just can't keep her nose out of other people's bidniss, decides SHE is going to give Robin the nomination she (and her mother) so desperately wants. Imagine Jess' surprise when THIS bombshell is dropped. This...this...fucking douchebaggery means war. Prepare to be carpet bombed Elizabeth!

Really, I don't understand what the big fucking deal is with letting a fat girl in the sorority. She's smart, she's super nice AND the Wakefields have said that Robin could be pretty if she weren't surrounded by 10 tons of flub. During the big nomination night meeting of the PBAs, Liz rushes in at the end and makes the surprise nomination. And there is not a damn thing Jess can do about it. Or is there? HAZING HO!!!!!!!!

Running around the track, playing volleyball in a bikini and going on a date with Bruce Patman....THAT'S FUCKING IT?! I mean, I get it. She's fat. Hahahaha. Fat people hate running, look horrible in a bikini and Bruce would probably rape her. But...but...she couldn't think of ANYTHING better?! What happened to the alcohol poisoning, the streaking across the quad, the electric shock to the genitals? I mean, the first hazing incident actually promotes a healthy lifestyle! What are we trying to accomplish here, girls? But at least Liz steps in and tells Robin that she should stop because she looks miserable. Wouldn't you be if you were obese and were made to run around the track? But, it's a good miserable. At this point, I would be thinking, "oh, they want me to be healthy - they're serious about me being in this little group. Don't want me dying of a fucking heart attack before the semester is over." Um, I'm giving this round to Tubby.

Next up, the beach in a bikini. Now, I'm not going to lie - bikinis scare me. So, if I were WAY heavier than I am right now, I, too, would be mortified. But, would it be so humiliating that I would run the other way? Not really. Lame. Very, very lame. Especially since NO ONE was really making fun of her to her face. Again, ARGH.

Finally, the Bruce aka "The Raper Guy." Robin has to ask Bruce to the dance and he has to say yes. Finally - victory! There's no way Bruce would want to rape someone who hasn't seen her own pubic hairs in years. Robin will fail this task and LOSE! Be NOT ALLOWED to join the PBAs because she failed in her tasks. They should have made her task a *little* harder, though because Liz had a fairly easy time convincing Bruce to agree to Robin's offer. All she had to do was write an article about him in her column. Simple enough. You kinda wish she would have thought about that earlier - you know, when her sister was getting butt fucked by this loser. Oh well. The task the PBAs SHOULD have given Robin is "get an STD from Bruce Patman." Because you KNOW he's got a couple. But no....just the dance. And, of course, he humiliates tubby Robin by calling her the Queen Mary. The kids in the back are like "Proud Mary? Does Bruce want us to sing Proud Mary?" While these kids struggle to figure out why Bruce wants to sing Proud Mary, Robin runs out of the gym and Liz corners her in the bathroom. "Please don't leave! Don't let the bitches win!" But at this point, Robin thinks everyone is out to get her so she's all like "Go to hell! Leave me alone you slut!" Robin runs out of the bathroom as fast as her fat legs can carry her. Liz has to do something so what does she do? Sends a brand new fucking character after her! Introducing tall-ass photographer Allen Walters. Robin was just impressed as the reader and tells him to go fuck himself. But then she feels bad about it. I wouldn't have. Fuck that lanky ass loser. They go back in the dance, spin around a bit and then go home.

Alright. Go time. Election night. The night Jess pulls her final stunt - the black ball. Liz acts so surprised when "someone" drops that into the bucket. Really, Liz? You REALLY think your sister would play fair? I mean, this bitch always gets what she wants - we're reminded of that time and time again. The only way Jess would be truly happy is if she is making someone else miserable. Robin is all sad, runs out and makes it sound as if she is going to kill herself. Jess isn't worried - hell, she probably WANTS Fatty to off herself. It would solidify her place in SVH history as the most influential girl that ever set foot in that school. Kudos, I guess.

Robin disappears from school and Liz calls her mom to find out what's up. Robin's mom was WAY too nice to Liz. Man, if they would have crushed the hopes and dreams of MY kid, I would have driven over to their house and fucked up their perfect 5'6" 110lb bodies. Anyway, she tells Liz that Robin went to her aunt's in Los Angeles. Translation - lap band procedure. When Robin finally does come back to school, it's like she's a whole different person. Oh no, she won't talk or look at Liz or Jess. Well fucking DUH! You humiliated the shit out of her and treated her like shit for a good long time. It's about GD time her eyes are opened up and she realizes how big of bitches you are. And then, oh good Lord, Jess discovers that Robin has been....running. Around the track before school. "You know how we made her run the track? Well, she still does it - all the time." There MUST be something seriously wrong. She must be fucked in the head. Why would a fat girl WANT to run? How dare she run when she has been blackballed from the sorority! Then she must have realized that the reason Tubby is running is because she wants to lose weight. Then Jess wouldn't have a fat friend to do her bidding. She could *gasp* become the fat friend herself! Someone needs to intervene, to stop this craziness! Liz - you do it! Jess can't possibly be taken away from her active social calendar to check up on her. The problem is only made worse when Liz sees Robin eating....a salad. AHHHH!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! A SALAD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS POOR GIRL! THE REJECTION HAS FINALLY DRIVEN HER OVER THE EDGE! Then it hits Liz like a ton of bricks - Robin is losing weight. Oh gee, you think? No wonder the Sweet Valley News doesn't want your shitty stories (sub-plot), you are a dipshit! I would have guessed she was trying to lose weight after I found out she was running every day before school. Taking this new found knowledge, Liz decides to talk to Robin before school, after her workout. Robin's rejection inspired her to get healthy. Good for her. This happy moment is ruined when Liz reminds Robin that she should be losing weight the right way. Um, how is exercising and eating healthy the wrong way?

To further prove my point that Robin has had some sort of procedure done, she is now as thin as can be and trying out for the cheerleading squad. It can't be more than a few months since she was blackballed. Who the HELL loses that much weight that quickly withOUT any sort of procedure? Well kids, let this be a lesson to you. It does take exercise and dieting to lose weight, but it's made much more easier to accomplish your goals if you surgically shrink the size of your stomach. And, unlike before, when she was fat and unpopular, Robin makes the squad and becomes co-captain along with Liz. How? How did she become co-captain? Who taught her the cheers? Did she jump to the future, rent "Bring It On" and watch it a bazillion times? And what school has fucking cheerleading try-outs in the middle (or end - fuck I don't know) of the year? Is this the start of the year? Did Robin really lose all that weight in like a friggin month? Over the summer? I'm so confused....did the writer consult any sort of high school or is she pulling from her own vague memories of high school...80 years before this was written?

Now, to add insult to injury, Bruce Patman wants to screw Robin Wilson. Thought you were something special, eh Jessica? Wrong! He might have wanted to die the night he had to take Robin to the dance but now that she's thin and popular, she's totally fuckable...I mean, dateable. Also, the Miss Sweet Valley contest is underway. WHOOT! Robin wasn't going to try out (or audition or whatever it is they do) until she learns that the PBAs have FORBIDDEN all girls NOT in the sorority from trying out. She posts a flyer around the school (too much effort for me) saying that they have blackballed her so she has nothing to lose. And all the bitches that are afraid of trying out for Miss Sweet Valley should rally behind her. Show those fucking whores once and for all who has the power in the school. So they do. Drama ensues and it's really no surprise that Robin beats Jessica and becomes Miss Sweet Valley. Everyone is led to believe that she is on a date with Bruce until the very end. That's when she invites her date, the tall drink of water, to join her for the victory lap. This type of revenge KILLS me! It's not revenge - it's not even that humiliating. Robin should have found out that Bruce's dick is only 3 inches erect and then displayed a picture on the side of the school. THAT is some sweet fucking revenge.

SUB-PLOT #1

Liz desperately wants to write for the Sweet Valley News but her shit isn't good enough. For the high school section. Where they put other high schooler's articles. This is a dream that she needs to let die, I'm afraid. Hell, we all discovered her stupidity earlier when it took her like a week to figure out that Robin was losing weight. But, everything worked out in the end (it always does) and she gets an article in the newspaper. Hooray. Whoopee. Too bad she only got the by-line because the editor was so swamped that he would take any ole piece of shit article that was handed to him. Luckily for Liz, her shit article fit the bill!

SUB-PLOT #2

We find out that Lila Fowler, one of the richest kids in Sweet Valley, is a stealer. A dirty, rotten, good-for-nothing stealer. Why? Why would a rich girl steal? There is only one possible explanation for this - Daddy doesn't pay enough attention to her and mommy ran off with the fucking pool boy and is a raging alcoholic. Guess what? I was right! I'm ALWAYS fucking right! Daddy needs to make money to support his kid's extravagant lifestyle but forgets that she *might* want some attention. So Lila steals. During a shopping trip, Liz went to the small for some stupid gift for her stupid boyfriend. She sees Lila steal some shit and goes to investigate. She got nervous with the clerk told her someone had been stealing. She knocked over a display and the clerk thinks she is stealing. When Lila gets busted, Jess is with her. Thinking Jess is Liz, she gets quasi-arrested too. Now, I'm thinking, why are they holding these girls? Where is the proof of their stealing? Did they FIND any merchandise on the girls? If Jess didn't steal, then why the HELL are they holding her? Accomplice? A ring of teenage thieves that target JUST this one store? Anyway, Liz comes to save the day and Jess goes free. Does Jess stay to support her sister? FUCK NO! That bitch RUNS out of there faster than a kid chases after the ice cream truck. On her way out of the mall, she probably stopped for some quick shopping and forgot that anything happened. So, in the end, Liz gets Lila to admit she had been stealing, she gets 6 months probation and Liz has the nerve to tell Lila's dad to pay attention to her. Mr. Fowler should have backhanded Liz for getting up in his grill but he just stares at her like "did this bitch just tell me how to parent?" Mr. Fowler does pay some attention to his kid after that but then goes right back to his old parenting habits. So what? Lila is a bitch and maybe daddy dearest finally figured that out. If she wants daddy's attention, she'll have to do something else to get his attention. Like whore herself out for money to feed her growing meth and heroin addiction. THAT should do the trick.

Sara's up next with the pornstache book. I, personally, cannot wait. Melissa out.

How to Become a Beaten Housewife is a more appropriate title for this piece. Seriously. It's as if women's lib never fucking happened.

Anyway, let's get this show on the road. Let's start with the cover:


I don't think you get the true idea of the story simply by looking at the cover. I think Bruce should have her in a choke hold and he should be glaring at her as if he will kill her if she dare move a muscle. Jessica kinda looks like she's constipated and, if I were in a relationship with this bitch, I would be constipated too. Just put on the brave face, sweetie. Don't let anyone know you're hurting.

The book asks, "Can Jessica play Bruce Patman's game and win?" The answer - no. Absolutely not. This bitch bends over and takes it (literally) all in the name of Bruce Patman. If she thinks she played his game and won, she's a bigger idiot than I thought. EPIC FAIL.

THE STORY

A dance contest! SCORE! I didn't even have to get through 1 page before they throw a dance at us. Not just any dance, a dance contest! Jessica is the Sweet Valley Fall Queen and, of course, lied, cheated and murdered to get that title (I'm probably exaggerating). Jessica's date is a poor sap by the name of Winston. No idea how Winston was elected Fall King but whatever. We learn Jess really, REALLY likes Bruce Patman, a senior. Why this Bruce wasn't voted as Fall King remains a mystery. I was sure Jess would have had her hand in getting him elected.

Jess, the ever competitive one, NEEDS to win this dance contest. How else is she going to get Bruce's attention? Walking up to him and asking him out is out of the question. Must...dance....to...get...love. So, she dances her little heart out but Winston has two left feet. Mortified, Jess eyes Bruce and silently pleads for his saving. Seeing the perfect opportunity to begin his reign of terror, Bruce saves the day and they win the coveted dance competition. They fall in love (or some shit) and Jess ditches Winston like 3rd period algebra.

After the dance, everyone goes to some bloke's house for a pool party. YAY! It is here we learn the true nature of Mr. Patman. While Jess is busy gazing into his eyes, he tells the rest of the group a story about how he got out of a speeding ticket. Not just any ole speeding ticket - dude was going 82 in a 35. The cop is a hard ass until he sees Bruce's license. Uh, Bruce Patman? Of the Sweet Valley Patmans? Yup, we all know where this is going. Then Bruce hands the cop a $20 and tells him to forget this ever happened. So, let's recap, shall we? He has no respect for the law or human safety and bribes a cop. And gets away with it!! I smell a winner!! Too bad Jess was in la-la land during this story. We could have ended this book after chapter 2.

Deciding everyone needs a swim, Jess gets into her hot, red bikini and does some impressive back flip into the lake. Bruce is turned on and pulls her away from the group. I have to hand it to Bruce, he sure moves fast. After only a few seconds of making out (and a few hours of even knowing her), he has her bikini top untied. Trying to think of a way to get out of the situation without looking like a cock tease, she makes some flirty comment and comes off as a tease. Congrats! They move off to a secluded spot in the woods, Liz interrupts some hot and heavy petting and when Bruce tries to resume, Jess realizes she might be over her head. So, what does she say/do to get out of the situation? Tells Bruce that Todd is cheating on Liz. Um, what? Bruce doesn't give a fuck about your sister or her boyfriend. What the hell is wrong with you? You can't stop a man from fucking with idle gossip. You stop a man from fucking by saying you're on the rag. Heavy flow day. That'll stop it pretty quick.

Needless to say, Jess put out in one way or another. My guess is that she gives great head and probably takes it up the butt. Just a guess. Now Bruce and Jess are the hot item at school and put their luv on full display. Let the mind fuck BEGIN! Bruce doesn't want Jess to go to Chemistry class because he wants to make out so he writes up an excuse from the nurse's office. "The results of my examination show you need mouth to mouth resuscitation." Excuse me while I pick up my underwear from off the floor. Oh but the smooth talking ends there. She has to lose at tennis or else he gets all pissy, she has to quit the cheerleading squad or he gets all pissy, she can't go to sorority (really, in high school?) dances or else he'll get pissy. I'm sure you're noticing a trend here. It seems everyone notices this but Jessica. I'm just waiting for him to open hand slap her. And for her to say, "oh, but if I don't let him slap me around, he'll break up with me. Then I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school." Well, let me tell you something, sweetheart. You already are the laughing stock of the whole school because Mr. Bruce has been spreading rumors among all the guys that you do "anything" he asks him to whenever he asks. Anal. She does anal.

So, it's time for Bruce's 18th birthday party. Jess expects it to be an intimate affair but Liz knows better. The entire school has been invited and that's supposed to be a "surprise" for Jess. Surprise! Your boyfriend is most likely porking someone else at the party and you've been too stupid to notice. YAY! Jess sits alone at the party all night, waiting for Bruce to come dance with her. When Winston attempts to save the day, Jess gets all beaten wife-esque and shoos him off for fear Bruce will be mad. When Bruce FINALLY remembers he has a date (anal), Jess is all lovey dovey and offers to go to the beach after Bruce takes the entire fucking party to the pizza parlor.

Citing a deathly ill grandma, he gets Liz to take Jess home. Seeing this as her chance to prove once and for all that Bruce is nothing but a MOTHERFUCKER, Liz stalls the trip home, returns to the pizza parlor and guess who is there? That's right, Bruce. And he's not alone. He's with some redhead. Let's hope for Bruce's sake the carpet matches the curtains. But we've got him. We're finally going to prove to Jess that she has been acting like a fucking d-bag the entire book. They build up the fact that the "old Jess" is back. What's she going to do? I can't wait. I'm holding my breath, hoping for some fucking sweet ass revenge....but NO! I get BULLSHIT! I get pizza in the face, soda over the head and air out of the tires. How is that sweet revenge? This is what I would have done:

1. Kicked him in the nuts
2. Pantsed him
3. Took the redhead's shoe and shoved it up his ass.
4. Tar and feathered
5. Keyed his car and pushed it over the edge of the cliff.
6. Killed him

This bitch can get away with anything, I'm sure a little murder would have gone unnoticed in this town. Anything Jess wants, Jess gets - right? Fucking use your sociopathic tendencies for the good of others!!

We had a subplot or two but eff that. It was about The Droids, the local Sweet Valley band. It's a good thing they never made it to LA (or anywhere for that matter), George Lucas would have sued the shit out of them for illegal use of his tradename. Tsk, tsk. But, long story short, this twenty something was just pretending to be interested in the band because he wanted to screw Dana's teenage brains out. Remember kids, date rape (and statutory, for that matter) is bad. Oh yeah, there was something else about the fat bitch and cheating. Oh but don't you worry, the next book is all about aforementioned fat bitch and how she thinks she deserves to be in the sorority because she stole a fucking test for Jessica. Really, fatty? You think that will get you in? You're fat, for christ's sake! Get ready for POWER PLAY (I wish it were about hockey).

I know, I know, I am starting from the beginning.  But isn't the beginning REALLY like 500 years ago in England, or wherever the hell the amazing Theo W came from?

On that note, I've ordered all four of the Sweet Valley Sagas - including the ones about the Patmans and Fowlers (these were totally not around when I was a kid).

I think these ones actually have *SEX* in them, or at least they allude to it.  Pretty racy for a young adult book.  I can't wait!

"Frankly miss, I'm surprised you didn't notice I was Ben Murphy." (I love MST3K. Does it have anything to do with SVH? Absolutely not - but I had to start with something).

MY AWESOME INTRODUCTION

Like Sara, I have been an avid reader most of my life. Summers were the worst time for me due to my transparent skin. I don't know what it is, but I can't be out in the sun for more than 2 seconds before my skin starts to melt off. Therefore, to pass the time, I read. A lot. I was the kid that joined the summer book clubs at the local library and read the most out of any kid. My prize - pick a book out of the library to keep. I was effing special.

My older brother wasn't much of a reader. However, knowing that I LOVED books more than anything, he managed to acquire this great series from my grandma. I can't remember what it was anymore but it was sweet. The books were as old as my dad and he had read them growing up. That motherfucker wouldn't let me NEAR them! It killed me! It was his way of making my life miserable since much else didn't. He also had a collection of Hardy Boys books. Some with Nancy Drew. All together now, "oooh." Again, I wasn't allowed to touch any of them. So, I walked to the library to get books of my "own."

I had come across the SVH and BSC collections while at the library. Feeling that I was more advanced than other 8 year olds, I went to the junior fiction section - the teen section - when I was 8. So naughty. My parents didn't care. I'm sure they were glad I wasn't killing puppies. Unlike Sara, I didn't really read much of the SVH series - I was more of a BSC girl. I remember checking out one or two of the books once upon a time and having my mind friggin blown away by all the "grown up" shit that was going down. I was a 10-12 year old reading about high school - the magical place where the threat of date rape becomes almost a rite of passage! Where kids start driving funky little cars and going to dances damn near every day. My tiny little brain couldn't handle it.

I believe my mom has kept all the books from my youth. She's like that. I'm going to have to give her a call and find out for sure. And if she has kept all those books, I'm going to have to rub it in Sara's face that my mom is WAY cooler than hers. Also, I have a younger sister. Sadly, she is much younger than me and what I thought was the bee's knees in terms of books was pretty stupid to her. So they might have gotten tossed.

Enjoy the book reviews. From what Sara has posted already, this is going to be awesome. I hope you all enjoy. And if you don't, then you're a big poop....YOU MUST ACCEPT ME!

First things first.  Before even cracking this open, an analysis of the cover is in order.  My version is copyrighted for 1983.  I was 2 then.  Maybe even just 1 and a half.  So my knowledge of 1983 fashion trends is founded purely on...well, Sweet Valley High books (and Claudia Kishi).  I guess this one is pretty tame.  I'm aware that denim jackets were in style, though I pegged Jessica as being a bit more fashion-forward than this.  Liz is wearing something conservative and crappy and yellow, who cares (side note: For someone who dressed so boring, according to Miss Ingenue fashion plate Jessica Wakefield, she sure does borrow a ton of clothes from Liz.  Why does no one confuse them more often, if Jess is always stealing Liz's blouses and tuxedo bow ties and shit?  AAAAAAAGHHH.  I'm already annoyed).  Anyway, Jess's hair is delightfully feathered, and swept off to one side, which was apparently quite fetching at the time.  I think I've seen pictures of my mom from this time period with a very similar haircut.  Of course, my mom had two kids at that point, and I doubt Jess was taking fashion tips from stay at home mothers in Georgia.  But we'll let that slide, since I am actually very concerned with Liz's coiffure, which I am pretty sure borders on mullet-esque.  I mean, it ends in those beautifully curled psuedo-ringlets, which makes her look kind of like a 1940's war bride, but I'm not really sure how she pulled it back just so to give it such a "party in the back" kind of look.  Especially since we know Liz is not a party animal.  Either way, they both look like they're frakking 34 years old, which is probably why Alice Wakefield looks so much like their older sister and not their mom. Anyway, most important is that their identical gold lavalieres are hanging round their necks.  Good.  How disappointed my username would be without them.  I've googled lavaliere like 95 million times and I still don't know what the hell it is.  Apparently, it's a gold rectangle.

Just a few notes to explain what the hell we're doing here.

So, as a child, I was a voracious reader, and would devour anything I could get my hands on.  Being all of 8 years old limited my abilities somewhat, as my mother got a bit upset when I told her I wanted to read Stephen King's The Stand.  I was able to convince her to let me read The Kent Family Chronicles by John Jakes, which taught me everything I needed to know about sex.  So there I was, in 4th grade, lugging around (what felt like) a 750 page book of historical fiction called "The Bastard" to the swimming pool every day for the summer.

But I digress.  My appetite for soap operatic novels was strong, but I felt like an odd duck, and figured I should maybe read something that would make me less of a complete social outcast.  My glorious older sister, whom I looked up to for generally everything, and was (and still is) incredibly awesome, had a collection of books that seemed more in tune with the times.  In retrospect, they were obviously painfully out of date, as this was approximately 1991 and Sweet Valley first appeared in 1983.  Regardless, Elizabeth and Jessica and their torrid lives were perhaps the most amazing thing I'd ever read about, and I desperately wanted their clothes, boyfriends, and to live in Sweet Valley.  I also wanted a Fiat Spider, despite not having a frakking clue what it looked like.  Incidentally, it looks like this:



So, I hopped into the world of the Wakefield twins, and man was it incredible.  We even had the Sweet Valley High board game, and I'm pretty sure I made my dad play as Enid, which was pretty crappy for him because she a) sucked and b) had the ugliest boyfriend. 

I think my mom finally threw away all the Sweet Valley and BSC books about a year ago, which was pretty good timing, because I've started reverting back to my tween years, and desperately want them all back now.  Since they're gone, I had to buy a big lot off ebay (59 books for like $40 was a total steal, I swear).  And now I plan, with my totally awesome friend Melissa (who will have her own jubilant introduction I'm sure) to read each and every book in order and make extremely insightful blog posts about them.  I realize this has been done in various places, but I really need to get my thoughts out in my own space. 

I read 13 books over the weekend, and need to get cracking.  Out of those 13, I've learned that Jessica totally isn't as cool as I once thought she was, that every male in Sweet Valley is over 6 feet tall and speaks with a husky voice.  I also learned that the men in Sweet Valley are all date rapists waiting to happen, and for that, Francine Pascal, I name my blog (with credit to Melissa for actually naming it).

Cheers & enjoy!

Sara