Series: Valorian Chronicles
Publisher: Silhouette, 2008
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Paranormal
Rating: 2 pints of blood



I'm going to assume this is meant to be a depiction of one of the scenes near the end of the book, and the good folks in marketing decided they just couldn't have a naked chick on the front cover, think of the childrens! So we get a random and gratuitous red sheet instead. Which is pretty and eye-catching and all, but doesn't seem to fit the rest of the cover.

( Am I the only one who is so over stories where the chick just has to sit and wait for the hero to come rescue her? )

Series: Black Stockings Society
Publisher: Kimani, 2008
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Contemporary
Rating: 2 pints of blood



I have to admit, this cover is pretty sexy, with the stockinged legs hanging over the couch and the blurry, distant male figure in the background. Ok, I could do without the leopard print carpet (which is a little over the top) and the dog (although at least he's mentioned in the book), but the red and black tones are warm and dramatic. Much hotter than some shirtless guy with too much makeup.

Kimani is a subdivision of Harlequin, a specialty line for African-American romances. I have two reactions to this. First, I'm glad to see there's an established line featuring men and women of colour, where people who prefer their heroes and heroines a few shades darker than sour cream can go to. Secondly, I'm really sad that it's set up as a subdivision, a niche market, implying that white is the standard and darker skintones are more of a specialty. I mean, we can't put them in with the mainstream romances, can we?

All that being said, I was a little disappointed at how little of the "African American" part came into play. It's mentioned the heroine has black hair and grey eyes, and the hero is described as a black man. And... that's about it. These characters could have been any race on the planet, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it definitely surprised me coming from a specialty line. Do we seriously need to be stashing this sort of thing in a niche category?

( But you didn't come here for me to get all ranty on you, so go ahead, read the actual review part. )

Series: The Black Dagger Brotherhood
Publisher: Signet Eclipse, 2005
Genre: Horror
Sub-genre: Paranormal, Urban fantasy
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



The cover is actually really striking. The metallic sheen and the saturated red tones stand out from the rest of the urban fantasy tomes, and I dig that the woman is in the position of power, which makes for a nice change of pace. Also, lovely choice of suggestive poses here. Are they vamping or sexing? Could be either!

According to recent and totally scientific polls, 75% of you are craving more urban fantasy reviews. Which actually kind of cracks me up, because I have some serious love for urban fantasy, and have been kind of holding off on it for a while so I don't overwhelm everyone and can spread the genre love a little more evenly. But hey, ask for urban fantasy, and I shall smother you with it. It's win/win!

( Unless, of course, you're in the 25% who didn't want more urban fantasy. Then I guess this just sucks. )

Publisher: Ace, 2007
Genre: Science fiction
Sub-genre: Alternate history/time travel
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



I have to admit, I like the cover here. The image of the clock face flying apart with the force of what looks like a starburst is not only pretty, it works well with the book's title. I like the gold lettering on the red, too. Of course, the cover quote absolutely befuddles me. According to Stephen King, "If there was a Fort Knox for the science fiction writers who really matter, we'd have to lock Haldeman up there." Say what? I just... what a bizarre thing to say! Fort Knox for sf writers? Whyyyyyy?

I pretty much came to this book with no expectations. Basically, I was browsing through the library website looking for shiny new science fiction, and came across The Accidental Time Machine. The one-line plot summary intrigued me, so I borrowed it. And, uh, now I'm reviewing it. Yeah.

( My plot summary is considerably longer than one line. )

Publisher: Baen, 2008
Genre: Science fiction
Sub-genre: Alien encounter
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



For anyone who's unaware, Strange Relations is a collection of two novellas and several short stories, all of which were originally published in the 50s and 60s. At the time, they were considered groundbreaking and incredibly controversial, and they've been said to belong in every science fiction library.

Well, I just so happen to have a science fiction library, so I figured I'd better check 'em out.

The cover makes me giggle a little. The image is appropriate enough considering the content of the stories, but what's with the pink tentacles pulling them in? Ahead of its time Strange Relations may have been, but there aren't any mentions of hentai. (Warning: link is so very not work safe.)

Cover dude has some pretty impressive moobs there. In fact, he may have more cleavage than the alien chick, which just goes to prove her courage. My general rule of thumb is that if his bra has a bigger cup size than mine, it's time to run away, but she doesn't seem to have an issue with it. Perhaps she's just getting what she can before the tentacles eat them alive.

( The stories aren't nearly as kinky as the cover would have you believe, though. )

Publisher: MasterpiecePress, 2006
Genre: Horror
Sub-genre: Mystery/thriller
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



I get the general idea of what they're going for on the cover, the transparent figure being there and not there at the same time, but I'm distracted by his giant beard. Is he an evil rabbi? Seriously, that beard is so big and so dark it serves as the focus of the cover, which I don't think is the intention.

I like the cover concept, semi-transparent robe guy wandering the streets, but the background is a little too busy for its purpose. The ferris wheel is disturbingly cheerful, considering the evil empty rabbi eyes and the pools of blood, and the colours on the wheel make it pretty prominent. I think it would work better for me if the ferris wheel and the lights were gone, making it just a dark, empty street. Mmm, creepy.

( Sadly, he's not really an evil rabbi. )

Publisher: Harlequin, 2000
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Contemporary
Rating: 2 pints



Alright, I have to be honest with you. I picked up this book in an "everything you can stuff into a bag for 5 bucks" sale, and I mostly grabbed it because I couldn't stop laughing at the cover. Why do cover artists insist on using men in drag as their cover models? No amount of eyeshadow is going to cover that "she" has a stronger jaw than the man who seems so intent on sniffing her forehead. what's even more disturbing is the prominent baby bulge. I don't know how many of you heard about the world's first pregnant man a little while ago, but this couple have him beat by about 8 years, it looks like.

The book is published under Harlequin's Intrigue line, which are marketed as romantic suspense. However, I personally wouldn't categorize Hers To Remember as suspense. It has similar elements, but it's very low-key, without a gunfight, explosion, or car chase in sight. There no mystery or sense of danger, and the antagonist doesn't even show up until the last 25 pages. No, really, I counted.

( Now we've got that out of the way, let's dig into the meat of the story, shall we? )

Publisher: Tesseract, 1997
Genre: Science fiction
Rating: 2 pints of blood



I was all set to mock this cover when I picked it up. The colours are all very dark, Santa is misshapen and creepy-looking, and the whole thing has a rather ominous feel to it. Then I read the book and realized the cover is absolutely perfect. This is not a fuzzy and warm story about the Christmas season. In fact, I recommend that if anyone is interested in reading it, you do so in the summer months, as far away from Christmas as possible.

Actually, I had a really hard time reviewing this one. The story is uncomfortable and depressing, and I had to separate my reactions from what was actually in the book.

( Settle in for a summary, analysis, and even a little bit of history! )

Publisher: Plume, 2008
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Alternate history/time travel, chick lit
Rating: 2 pints of blood




I see what they're trying to do with the cover, adding a little bit of a modern twist to the Austen-esque cover, but I'm not sure it's really working out for them. The configuration of the title is more confusing than eye-catching, and the trees in the background just makes the whole thing look really busy. There's just too much going on, like someone got a little too ambitious and didn't know when to stop. Which is... oddly suiting to the book itself, although I'm sure it's not the impression the marketing people were aiming for.

( Sherman, set the way-back machine for the 1800s. )

Series: The Twilight Saga
Publisher: Little Brown, 2006
Genre: Horror
Sub-genres: YA
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



I love the covers from this series of books. I hate them as covers for the books, though. As photographs they're gorgeous, as covers for vampire novels they don't fit. I would give it the benefit of the doubt, but I've read the first two books and the first two covers don't fit them. At all. Beautiful photos, though.

( Sparkle, sparkle )

Series: Medievil sleuth Hugh Corbett
Publisher: Headline, 2000
Genre: Horror
Sub-genres: Mystery/thriller, historical
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



The cover here is actually not bad. I like the font and the border they've used, and the dancing skeletons are about halfway between creepy and goofy. The hooded figure is actually something significant in the story, and he adds a nice ominous feel. Although I'll admit when I see it out of the corner of my eye, his cloak looks like very long, thick black hair. But that would be a romance novel, not a murder mystery, so let's not go there.

( Good thing I brought it up if we're not going there, hey? )

Series: Twilight
Publisher: Little Brown and Company, 2006
Genre: Horror
Sub-genre: YA
Rating: 2 pints of blood



Everyone and their dog has read this book. Everyone and their dog has an opinion about this book, usually something pretty passionate. I've heard the ranting, I've heard the raving, and finally jumped on the bandwagon. Gotta see what all the fuss is about, if for no other reason than finally knowing what we're all talking about now.

The cover confuses me. It's a striking, simple image, really gorgeous, but I can't figure out what the apple has to do with anything in the book. This is a story about teen angst and vampires, and the cover reflects none of that. The offered apple makes me think it's maybe a modern version of Snow White, or a collection of retold fairy tales. If this were the story of a student having an affair with her teacher, the cover would be perfect. But it's not, and it's not. The black, white, and red stand out amongst the general pastel colours of the YA section in the bookstore, but it strikes me as gratuitous, like someone had this pretty picture lying on their desk and slapped it on the next book to get the publishing contract.

( Tune in as we add our opinions to the overwhelming number of reviews available to read about this book! )

Publisher: Harlequin, 2005
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Historical
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



I honestly don't remember why I picked this one up. It was in a huge pile of used books, and I grabbed a number of them, this one among them. It might have been the warm tones on the cover that caught my attention, although honestly I thought this was a contemporary until I started reading it. Imagine my confusion when the heroine reflects on her lack of corset and bustle. I suppose she's pretty clearly hanging around in her underwear, but in my defense, it could easily have been a dress in a more modern setting.

I am a little annoyed that they cut her face off so she has no eyes. I don't mind the current popularity of the "headless heroine" covers as much as some people, but this is more blatant than most. We get her full body, all the way up to her nose... but NO EYES because then people might see the heroine as a personality instead of just some chick who looks good in her underwear, and we can't have that.

( Oh, don't worry. We're not done with this cover yet. )

Publisher: Avon, 1993
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Historical
Rating: 2 pints of blood



This book was awful. I enjoyed every minute of it.

Yes, it was one of those books. By all rights, this should have gotten a much lower rating, but it was so unintentionally hilarious, I could not stop laughing.

As for the cover itself... do I even have to tell you how much this makes me laugh? I mean, who wears leather breeches on a pirate ship? And isn't it kind of dangerous to wear a loose knife tucked into his belt like that? Also, I wasn't aware it was common for pirates in the 1700s to wax their chests like that. I guess you learn something new every day.

( For more mockage, click here! )

Series: Takeshi Kovacs
Publisher: Del Rey, 2006
Genre: Science fiction
Sub-genre: Cyberpunk
Rating: 2 pints of blood



I have to be honest, I don't really have much to say about the cover today. I know, I'm falling down on the job. It's very colourful for something with so much black, and there's so much going on it kind of confuses me. That said, it's pretty standard for gritty cyberpunk, and I do like the way the title stands out.

Sarah's take on the cover art? "I like the cover. I think it's pretty interesting. I also think it goes perfectly with the book. It's busy, out of focus, you're not quite sure what's going on other than there's this guy walking down the street. It's pretty much a perfect give-away for the out of focus and hard to grasp story behind it." I had to laugh. She's so right.

( Yup, it's time for another two-fer. Buckle your seatbelts, this one's a long ride. )

Series: Casa Dracula
Publisher: Pocket, 2006
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Paranormal
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



I am conflicted on this cover. I'm not generally a fan of cartoonish book covers, although as far as cartoons go, this one isn't bad. It's not overtly ugly, which is a step in the right direction. The chunky style doesn't reach out and grab me, but it doesn't actively repulse me, either. I suppose this means the cover is set firmly in the territory of "meh." I do have to wonder, though, with what force the rather heavy-looking cross around her neck is flying over her shoulder while her hair stays perfectly coiffed.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I rummaged around on my TBR shelf and came up with Happy Hour at Casa Dracula. I figured it'd be light enough to wind me down and then I'd be able to go back to bed. Also, vampires are pretty much made of awesome (y'know, when they're not made of angst) so really, it's a win/win! Or so one would think. "One" meaning me.

( Vampires who sip margaritas! Come on, how does that not sound like fun? )

Series: Twiceborn
Publisher: CreateSpace, 2007
Genre: Fantasy
Sub-genre: Swords and sorcery
Rating: 2 1/2 pints of blood



As has been previously and shamelessly pimped, Jonathan Fesmire has made free copies of his fantasy novel available to anyone who would like to download them. Readers have the option of a PDF file or an audio book, which is great, because then my ipod, Steve, gets to feel the love, too. Steve gets jealous if I start spending more time with my books than with him. He's a little insecure sometimes.

( It's ok, Steve. You know I love you. )

Publisher: Avon, 2007
Genre: Romance
Sub-genre: Historical
Rating: 2 pints of blood



Ranting about the cover? Why, yes! Yes, I would like to start there! I ordered this book online, and when I did, I thought "Sweet! It's that rare jewel of romance: a book with a cover I wouldn't be embarrassed to haul around in public." I mean, check it out. It still has the intimate clasp (the "clinch") featured on so many, but the couple actually seems to be facing each other, and the dark colours of night give a tasteful twist on the old classic. They're not up in your face, either, and the whole thing has a clandestine, almost voyeuristic feel to it. Romantic without getting overly cheesy.

And then I received the book in the mail. Hoo boy.

( Just another way to be disappointed in the book, I guess )