General Enquiry

general_enquiry @ 2006-10-07T11:01:00

2006-10-07T11:06:31Z

From: Customer ?
Sent: Monday, 24 July 2006 9:42 AM ?
To: General Enquiry ??
Subject: Order Confirmation ?

Hi,

I would like to know if my refund has been finalized & I have yet to receive the letter to my home address advising me of this issue ??

Im a little disappointed that I had to actually look into this myself & wasn’t contacted in any way ?

Why was this not attended to ?

Kind Regards

Customer ?

From: General Enquiry
Sent: Monday, 24 July 2006 10:09 AM
To: Customer
Subject: RE: Order Confirmation ?

Hi Customer ?

Thank you for your email ??

When you talk, does everything you say sound like a question ?

Because that would get really annoying ????

Maybe you should give exclamation points a try ? At least then, you'll sound perpetually excited instead of merely confused ?

Best ?

General Enquiry ??

...

?

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2006-07-25T04:18:08Z

From: Major Malfunction
Sent: Sunday, 16 July 2006 11:09 PM
To: General Enquiry
Subject: Magazine Postal Failure

I currently hold a Magazine subscription under the name of Major Malfunction.

On my first point, every month when i have received the Magazine it has the correct postal address, but it has my name wrong, it says Major Dysfunction, when it should be Major Malfunction.

And secondly, this is the second month in a row where i havent received the magazine.
I emailed you last month about this and the person i spoke to extended my subscription by a month because i didnt receive the magazine.
So, once again, 2 weeks after the magazine has been released i am emailing you to ask why this is happening. I got a subscription to the Magazine for convenience of not having to go out to the newsagents every month to buy the magazine, but i am now going out to the newsagents every month to buy the magazine, while paying for the subscription on top of that, which is

ludacris.

please correct this, and dont say 'oh im sorry, we dont have any left'
Major Malfunction (or as you have it, Major Dysfunction)

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From: General Enquiry
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 4:03 PM
To: Major Malfunction
Subject: RE: Magazine Postal Failure

Dear sir,

lu·di·crous:

adj. Laughable or hilarious because of obvious absurdity or incongruity. See Synonyms at foolish.

Ludacris:

Kisses!

General Enquiry

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-24T14:54:00

2006-07-24T04:55:30Z

From: Shane
Sent: 18/11/2004
To: General Enquiry
Subject: Feedback

Username : Claw Road Hues
Feedback : wot sort of bs is this?
cant print tax receipt!
await advice

From: General Enquiry
Sent: 18/11/2004
To: Shane
Subject: Re: Feedback

You know, I swear I can smell you. It's not a good smell. You are one of those guys who squirts loud blasts of those stubby cans of mens deodorant into your armpits as a substitute for washing, aren't you? I bet you have to replace your computer at least once every year because you like to hit it when something you don't understand goes wrong. I bet you like to slap the monitor with your open palm, loudly, to upset the minions in the shop. Helps maintain the status quo, eh? Keeps them in their place - you're the big gorilla, they are the chimpanzees. I bet you like to chinwag with all the toughest men who come into your shop, have a good old yarn about the tortures you'd inflict upon the latest enemy of society the daily tabloid hate sheet has selected for your despisement. You drive a beautifully polished canary yellow ute with a blue heeler tied to the tray with a very short rope so he can't even sit down. Your house has a roaring behemoth of a reverse cycle air conditioning unit sitting right out the front on a concrete pad, with the shiny foil ducts and spinning fan proudly displayed. You like to crank it up when you get home, chill the whole bare cracker box McMansion down to 15C while you watch the footy. The only thing on the walls appart from the aircon is a framed Wallaby jersey from 1998 autographed by the whole team, that your wife bought you for your first birthday together. Boy, was it hard to get her to the altar! Had to behave yourself for 6 whole months, but it was worth it. She's getting fat now, but that happens. Makes her easier to control, nobody else would have her now, as you occassionally remind her when she threatens to get out of hand. She shuts up then, when you threaten to leave her, she couldn't face her family, they were against the marriage anyway, you know it. Life's pretty sweet, if only this fucking printer would work! Why don't you try switching it on?

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-24T14:17:00

2006-07-24T04:18:22Z

From: Sunny
Sent: 13/01/2005
To: General Enquiry
Subject: FW: Shotput report

Hi, General Enquiry.

I found my rating are falling abit, while back tracted my file transcation record, there are all transfred on time every day.

Would you help me to find out what happened? The ABC report is listed below for your reference.

Cheers,

Sunny

From: General Enquiry
Sent: 13/01/2005
To: Sunny
Subject: RE: Shotput report

Hey, Sunny! Howya doin'?

Anyway, to file trasact record update pending, total bullshit action is requirment now. Absolute technical bollox to be made has, user interface headdesk recommendation. Results should be cromulent when imput is fully embiggened.

Also. TransFred knows what time it is! That's why he had "the change".

Hope this helps!

General Enquiry

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-22T01:47:00

2006-07-21T15:52:58Z

From: Impatient
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 9:32 PM
To: Disgruntled Minion
Subject: FW: Order Confirmation

Hi,

I am yet to receive my first product. Please advise, it has been nearly two month since I placed the order.

Regards

Impatient

From: Impatient
Sent: Thursday, 20 July 2006 8:52 PM
To: Disgruntled Minion
Subject: RE: Order Confirmation

Dear Impatient,

Shucks! I knew there was something we had forgotten to do, but just couldn't remember what!

Thanks for reminding me - it would have niggled, otherwise.

Hugs,

Disgruntled Minion

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2006-07-21T01:06:55Z

From: SNAG
Sent: Wednesday, 15 February 2006 5:45 PM
To: General Enquiry
Subject: Thanks

Hi,

Thanks for not getting back, I now realise how very important you must be to have to bother with something as trivial as this request. It's a shame when a humble customer gets in the way of you 're very high profile life.

Regards

SNAG

From: General Enquiry
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 1:57 PM
To: SNAG
Subject: RE: Thanks

Dear SNAG

OMG, someone FINALLY understands the pressures involved with being a very high profile life! You have NO idea how refreshing that is, after getting so many passive-aggressive guilt trips from people who just don’t get that I have no time to deal with their petty little problems.

I’m SO glad you emailed me – you totally made my day! :)

Lots of love and cuddles,

General Enquiry

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-21T10:22:00

2006-07-21T00:40:23Z

From: max
Sent: 9/03/2004
To: Xuuul Support
Subject: Feedback

Username : max
Feedback : I have just registed xuuul how do I know everything is correct

From: Xuuul Support
Sent: 9/03/2004
To: max
Subject: Re: Feedback

Hey Max, how are you today?

I hate to be the one who breaks this to you buddy, but everything is not correct. Oh, I'm not saying that anything in particular is wrong, or that you made a mistake, I'm just saying, on a very deep level, everything in the universe is not correct. You can feel it in your bones, late at night... sometimes, it seems as if the newsreader on the TV bulletins is afraid, as if there's a gunman standing next to the camera, with a rifle trained at her head, ready to pull the trigger if she blurts out the truth about... whatever it is. The thing that isn't correct. And then, those all-night ads, with a studio audience of Americans getting all excited about a griller or a bag of different kinds of sunglasses, that just isn't right. These are all clues, something somwhere is off balance, like a machine with a bad axle. "The centre cannot hold", some poet once said, and he was right. The sky is a different colour now, too, slightly different to the way it was when I was a young lad. My advice is to just stay indoors. Maybe, someday, we will enter a golden age when everything is correct once more, but now, the world is deeply, horribly flawed, and there is nothing any of us can do about it.

Yours, in tears,
Xuuul support

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2006-07-21T00:12:57Z

From: Hopeful

Sent: Thursday, 20 July 2006 9:54 PM

To: Queen Kitty

Subject: opportunities

Hello

I work full time as a social worker/manager but am interested in breaking into some type of journalism role such as a movie critic or ps2

game reviewer, can you tell me what is the best way to break in to this area?

cheers

Hopeful

From: Queen Kitty

Sent: Friday, 21 July 2006 9:50 AM

To: Hopeful

Subject: Re: opportunities

Dear Hopeful,

Yeah, you and every other man on the planet. But never mind - we think it sweet that the world hasn't beaten that kind of hope out of you yet with a sock full of half-brick.

Hang in there, kid!

Best wishes,

The Office.

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-21T09:43:00

2006-07-21T00:12:01Z

From: Tinfoil Hatter
Sent: 6/08/2002
To: Xuuul Support
Subject: Application

Hello
We run an newsagent in Crabapple and per previous correspondence via your Phone service we proceeded to the web page that you have set up for the purchase of the Xuuul software and found that you would like a credit card payment over the web. This it not our prefered payment method, it is possible that you fax us a copy of the application and we could fax you the details thereafter with the card details on it.
Thanking you
Tinfoil Hatter

From: Xuuul Support
Sent: 6/08/2002
To: Tinfoil Hatter
Subject: Re: Application

Hello Mr Hatter,

In reply to your recent query, first I need to make sure I understand the situation correctly.

It appears that you would rather not use our online payment system, in which you type your credit card details into a secure Java applet which immediately encrypts them and sends them directly to the credit card company for verification. Also, you seem to prefer to scrawl your precious card number on a piece of paper which you will then send over an unencrypted phone line to our fax machine, where it will emerge on another sheet of paper, leaving 2 sheets which subsequently unless immediately destroyed might end up in the hands of someone who collects such things for later use.

Well, that would be just swell! Please, just print out the payment screen, write your number in the little slot there, then fax it to us. I will be happy to go to our handy dandy website myself and type your number into the naughty web page for you, so you don't have to get all scared of the Viruses and the Haxxors. Loser. Why do you even have a credit card anyway? Wouldn't you feel safer bartering sheep for sacks of oats or something? I mean, what on earth do you think I'm going to do with your fax once I get it - lock it up in a wooden chest of loot? Walk to the card providers offices and hand it over the counter in exchange for a gold piece?

Regards
Xuuul Support - Yes, we are in league with "them"!

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-21T09:25:00

2006-07-20T23:42:48Z

From: Mello Yello
Sent: 1/08/2002
To: Xuuul Support
Subject: Session times out

I am trying to register as a new user with your company but every time I fill out the registration form and submit, I get a message saying sessiion has timed out.

Did any of my information get to you?

Answer soonest

Regards

Mello

From: Xuuul Support
Sent: 1/08/2002
To: Mello Yello
Subject: Re: Session times out

Damn baby! That site is set to expire your login in 30 minutes of inaction. You are one slow customer! What is the problem anyway? You been smoking cess in the workplace, right? Makes it hard to concentrate, don't it? Shit! No, we did not get any of your information. You have to drag your lazy ass back to the damn form, fill it out and submit it within half an hour, or we don't even want to see you using our software. Maybe print it out and fill it in with a pen, to gather all those tricky details like "What is your name?" and "What is the name of your company?" And get off that shit, dope leaves no hope, fool.

Regards
Xuuul Support

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-21T09:35:00

2006-07-20T23:41:51Z

From: Twunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sent: Friday, 2 December 2005 3:51 PM
To: Teh Problem Person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: Where is the MAG!!!!!!

Hello people!!!! What the hell is going on!!!!!

Issue 48 was supposed to be out on 30th of September but where is is?!?

It's 3 days now that i'm trying to find it all the way from Woop Woop and Fuck-All Nowhere here in Tasmania!!!!! I search all newsagency stores but no sighn!!!!

Today I made one of the girls in there to call and find out wat is happening and they said to propably wait for it about next week!!!!!! So can you please tell me is there a problem?!?

From: Teh Problem Person
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 3:45 PM
To: Twunt!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: Re: Where is the MAG!!!!!!

Dear TWUNT!!!!!

You will probably find that the magazine is buried under your over excessive use of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once we have cleared them all away, everything will be fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-21T09:13:00

2006-07-20T23:29:38Z

From: Zorquaan
Sent: 6/06/2002
To: The Mothership
Subject: CD ROM

When are we likely to receive CD Rom to install program.
We have stopped receiving transmission from Redstar
Peter Pendleton

From: The Mothership
Sent: 6/06/2002
To: Zorquaan
Subject: Re: CD ROM

Attention. life. form. --
Transmission from Red Star. negatized by order. Galactic Emperor Xuuul.....

CD ROM pending arrival via transmat beam. Obey contained instructions or face extermination.

Regards
Xuuul Technical Support

general_enquiry @ 2006-07-20T18:31:00

2006-07-20T08:39:15Z

From: Challenged
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 2:26 PM
To: Disgruntled Minion
Subject: subsciption

Hi there

My friend bought me a subscritpion for my bday i didnt recieve one last month and the new one has come out im very disappointed as this keeps happening my address is 1 stupid st stupidville nsw 1234

my coinatct detials are below please adviseme asap

Thanks
challenged

From: Disgruntled Minion
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 4:00 PM
To: Challenged
Subject: subsciption

Hi Challenged,

Recent studies have indicated that this product is attracted to punctuation. If you use it, it will come.

Air kisses,

Disgruntled Minion

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2006-07-20T01:53:44Z

From: Crazy Lady
Sent: Monday, 23 January 2006 4:03 AM
To: The Queen of Smart
Subject: book with cd

Hello,

I am unable to open the cd that that came with the book.

Regards,

Crazy Lady

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From: The Queen of Smart
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 2:59 PM
To: Crazy Lady
Subject: Re: book with cd

Dear Crazy Lady,

Simply hold the case between the thumb and fingers of your left hand. Squeeze very slightly. If you use your right hand to prise the cover up, you will find that it opens rather easily.

Best wishes,

The Office

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2006-07-19T06:43:35Z

From: eejit
Sent: Friday, 7 October 2005 11:59 PM
To: The Queen of Smart
Subject: serial num

failed to access serial num

eejit

From: The Queen of Smart
Sent: Wednesday, 19 July 2006 4:34 PM
To: Eejit
Subject: Re: serial num

Dear Eejit,

Have you tried Bonjela?