It is my duty to post about this new Dinosaur Jr. video. It's awesome. It also features the most touching moment in indie rock history: J Mascis placing his hand on Lou Barlow's shoulder as they ride and skate in unison. Single tear.

WTF, it's been 10 days since I updated.
What happened.
Ape played Sled Island on the Thursday. It was fun. People liked it.

Then I went back up on Saturday and saw the latest Lethbridge sensation Myelin Sheaths play at Dickens Pub:



The Sheaths played a really good set and had a respectable crowd. Some of the crowd even sang along. Like me, and the other people who are dating members of the band!





I then went off to see The Obits, who I believe were good, but I was pretty drunk at that point.



Later I also saw Holy Fuck, they were cool. Two tables full of tons of crazy gear making sweet noises. I drank too much though, and didn't fully appreciate it.



After that, it was 2:30am. So I went off to the Beatroute after-party, where I thought I had missed the Sheaths play a 2am set. No, I didn't miss it. In fact they didn't play until 4am. However at that point I was no longer interested in seeing any live music so I went back to my hotel. But I heard it was good. It was weird, hanging out on a Calgary street that late with a big crowd of people. Half of which I knew from Lethbridge. Also, who showed up but none-other than Sled Island favourite and rising indie rock star King Khan:



He literally had a girl in each hand as he walked to the door of the party. That's rock and roll!

He might of banged them later, I don't know. If he did, they probably had shiny paint all over their junk afterward.

Clearly I shouldn't wait 10 days to recount events in a blogpost.

I am heading up to Sled Island tonight to play in Endangered Ape. Check us out at Verns! The greatest bar in Alberta!
New Zealand's own Cut Off Your Hands play right after us, so that's cool.

I thought I should let you know in case you were thinking of going to one of those lame bands like Mount Eerie or Japanther or The Coathangers, etc. Just kidding.

Actually I don't like the Coathangers, at least not the one song I've heard. It sounds like if you recorded snotty 14 year old girls in their first band and then it got tons of airplay on the Sirius indie station. Headache inducing.

That was uncool. I don't like to slag off bands...well not on the Internet. Maybe their other songs are rad. Maybe. I may skip playing guitar in Endangered Ape and check them out. My guitar is never plugged in anyways.

So ya, come out to the Coathangers show with me!

And to sum this post up perfectly: AN APE CREATED OUT OF COAT HANGERS.

The kids today. The kids today look like this:



So fucking stylish and strung out. However, rewind back 12 years, and witness what the kids looked like 1997, in this video featuring my band Favour playing our tedious instrumental "Sadier", as we play Nancy's house. I don't remember who Nancy is, other than that her name was Nancy and sort of dressed like a hippie. Back in those days, we would play nearly hour long sets. Only in recent years have I realized "no one wants to hear most bands play for an hour", and I bet this was especially true in front of an audience of future crusty-punks, drug addicts, and accountants (hey some of them must be successful).
I left on a few minutes of the kids who hijacked my video camera. They were BIG Favour fans, as is evidenced by them calling us "pussies". Old timers will recognize Chris and JL from No Copies Left (NCL). Also Wil Schotz (sp?) of the Calgary scene. Our own pre-army Steve is sitting up front, thrilled out of his mind.



Note: 90% of people in the video above are now dead.

So recently a Porn actress tested positive for AIDS, and possibly spread it to others while performing in films. I probably don't need to say this, but that's a bad profession for someone who gets AIDS. I mean, Basketball player? No big deal. Underwriter? AIDS ain't gonna keep you from all that underwriting. But getting slammed in every hole with man-rods to earn your paycheque? Not good.

This made me wonder, what happens with the films that got made during the "AIDS" period? I mean, she could of filmed like 50 films before she found out. Do they get removed from the shelves?

Does anyone really want to watch a movie where a bunch of people contract AIDS?

Buzzkill. Like, at the start of the film, one person has AIDS, then by the closing orgy, like, 19 people have AIDS. I'm supposed to masturbate to this?

Also, what happens to the films if they stop selling them? If you happen to own a copy of "Azz Guzzlers Volume 19", which features newly diagnosed Porn Actress X, is it now a collectors item? It sort of becomes a Snuff film, only you don't see the people die. You just know its going to happen sooner than normal.

In a way, every porn is like a Snuff film, or maybe a Zombie film. Because you know they are all dead inside.

Hope I brightened your day.

Well, The Square Waves played on Saturday. It didn't go so well. It was an unmitigated disaster. No mitigation whatsoever! I'm talking none!

Actually, we played well, it was the sound setup that was a problem. I DI'd my rig, which is to say, Direct Inputted it. Probably a bad idea since we hadn't really done that much before. Usually I run my stuff through the guitar amp and we mic it. There were sound level issues, or SOMEthing, which was causing huge distorted BANGS out of the speakers. Not nice at all.

The plus side was, that since we didn't hit the stage till around 12:45am or so, that there weren't many people left, and those who were there were mostly drunk.









We were playing the main stage in the Henotic downstairs, which isn't really the best for a smaller band. You are playing to an enourmous room with pretty bad sound. Oh well, whattya do. There will be other gigs.



I did recall today something one of the dudes from Calgary's Azeda Booth told me about having a lot of electronic instruments: run them all through a compressor. It will equalize all your sound and you won't have to worry about levels so much. I think that's my problem. I will be looking into that option for next show, so it doesn't turn to shit.

Speaking of sound setups, I have recorded several songs about them. Because what do you do when you begin a recording session? You test out the sound setup, by singing things like "Testing out the sooound setuppp...oh yaaa..". Except most people would erase that recording. I however, mix it down and put it on a CD. Pure gold!

I have six such songs on record, "The Worst Sound Setup We've Had", "Sound Setup Test 19 And A Half", "Sound Setup #184", "The Most Horrible Sound Setup ", "Sound Setup Test Song", and "Late Nite Setup Test Song". All pieces of crap. All available for the low low price of $3.99 on CD-R from Wowbam Records new boutique label: "Bobwam Records".


Jeff n Steve - The Worst Sound Setup We've Had:
Download (mp3)

More show pics on my Flickr stream!

So my band The Square Waves are playing this Saturday at GCBCs! This is our first show since that "love song" covers show last February, which drained our will to live. Check us out.

We will be playing songs.

Feel free to sing along. To aid and balyhoo this notion, here are the lyrics to our songs:

1) Down With The Gullwing Doors

I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now.
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out.
They pull their panties down, they take their pants off.
Then they started getting freaky on the dance floor.
Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love.
I got some bottles in the caddy that we can open up.
Let's get drunk tonight, baby we don't have to fuck.
And bring your friend along, maybe we can have some fun.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.
Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore shit will make you feel the toxic.
Versace, Rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me in.
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
Paul: Liar! [x8]
Oh baby why did you have to lie to me.
I can't play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You're turning off the flame.
So go baby go baby.
You don't want me.
So go baby go baby.
Come and get me.
So go baby go baby.
You don't want me.
So go baby go!
Come and get me.
Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]

2) All That's Left

Paul: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!

Turn around girlfriend now drop it. Let me see you pop and lock it. Put your hands down in my pocket. And make my PP hard. Shut the fuck up bitch, quit talking. I want to see those panties dropping. Drop dropping. Drop dropping. Drop those fucking panties girl!

She's bringing sexy back. Look at how she shakes that ass. She drops it to the floor. GIRL YOU'RE SUCH A DIRTY WHORE! (x2)

Paul: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!

And I love it when you tease me, YEAH! You're sexy baby but you know that. You don't have to ask me a million times. If you want to have sex lets make some time. Lets take them drugs, lets drink so wine. Feel that bottle up baby and make it shine. When I can feel your body next to mine. That when I know it's sexy time. (come on)

She's bringing sexy back. Look at how she shakes that ass. She drops it to the floor. GIRL YOU'RE SUCH A DIRTY WHORE! (x2)

Paul: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!

I know you want me girl. I can tell by the way you stare. Your body's calling me. As you shake your dariare. OH YEAH! OH YEAH! Baby girl we can bump and grind. OH YEAH! OH YEAH! We can do this all the time. (x2)

3) The Sum

ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
Jane: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x2)

Now I can feel the needle break, deep inside of my veins.
They try to tell me I’m insane, but they make me that way.
So come and take me away.
From this monster that you’ve made of me.
I feel like dying, erasing all of these memories…

I’m trapped inside this cage tonight!
You torture my brain with blades and knifes!
I need you to try to save my life!
Jane: BEFORE I GO INSANE! (x2)

ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
Jane: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x2)

In 7 days my schizophrenia breaks my brain cavity waves.
I'm then left Distorted, decayed!
These faces of insane originated this pain.
And invented these demented ways to break me!
Intoxicated, I’m faded inside my dreams.
Motivated on defeating these haters in everything.
It’s the only thing that keeps me alive.
It keeps me away from all of your mother fucking lies!!!

I’m trapped inside this cage tonight!
You torture my brain with blades and knifes!
I need you to try to save my life!
BEFORE I GO INSANE! (x2)

Jane: ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
Paul: THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
Ryan: FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
All: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x2)

I feel my nails rip my flesh.
I feel I’ve gone insane.
I never wanted to hurt you.
But you made me this way.
So now I know I’m crazy.
I feel there’s no more pain.
These voices call out to me.
They’re screaming out my name.

Jane: ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
Paul: THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
Ryan: FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
All: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x4)

4) Be The Last Time

She's starin',
and the mood is right.
music blarin' and the ladies are lookin' nice
i'm lookin' good and you know it too.
so tell me why should i,
fuck with you.

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her.

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her.

Jane: I WILL FUCK YOU.
I DONT WANNA FUCK YOU,
WHERE I TOOK YOU.
Paul: (you sound so innocent)
Jane: I WILL SUCK YOU.
YOU GOT ME FEELING SO ALIVE
I WILL FUCK YOU,
IN THE SKY!

i hope i showed ya',
you no got's to go slow motion
hoping that, she'd know theres disease.
even though she's bleedin'
im leavin'
heavy breathin',
there'll be no conceivin'.
thats a rap,
after the big nasty,
grab me and do the happy.
gone. stop.
this goes no further,
you couldnt pay me to touch that traunch burger.
Jane: WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRAUNCH BURGER?!

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her.

Jane: I AINT NEVER GUNA FUCK YOU!
THIS IS TRUE,
ROSES SMELL LIKE, POO POO!
you say you love me
i bet that you do.
but i will
never,
ever (x29)
Paul: FUCK YOU!

Jane: i dont wanna have sex with whore.
Paul: (but she looks so sexy the way she moves.)
Jane: i dont wanna have sex any more.
Paul: (quit bein' a fucking prune.)
Jane: i dont wanna have sex with this whore
Paul: (but dude, this bitch is hot!)
Jane: i dont wanna have sex anymore.
Paul: (just take another shot, or i'll beat the FUCK outta' you.)
Jane: hahaha, haaaa, you son of a...

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her

---

Thanks, we look forward to hearing you sing along with The Square Waves!

So much going on yesterday!



Conan O'Brien started as host of The Tonight Show. There were worries that his show would suddenly suck, because Jay Leno sucked for so many years. Well, it appears The Tonight Show is merely Late Night with a bigger budget and in Los Angeles rather than New York. The theme song is the same (but a bit more rock n' roll), Max Weinberg is there with what appears to be the same band, and even Andy Richter is back! Andy! Although he isn't on the couch anymore, he stands off to the side and laughs and stuff. But still... Andy!

Jimmy Fallon still sucks.

In other news, Bill 44 passed here in Alberta, the most progressive province in Canada. It's such a popular bill that it became a trending topic on Twitter last night! Then again, so did "#goodsex" and "#clothdiapers", so I wouldn't use the post-Oprah Twitter crowd as any sort of measuring stick when it comes to social consciousness.



Bill 44 allows parents to remove their children from school whenever a teacher teaches about hardcore anal sex as a viable alternative to a family with both a mother and father. Also, if a teacher mentions that humans weren't created via God's hand 6000 years ago, they can take their kids out of that class and spare their children from hearing the wacky "theories" of "scientists". Fancy fat-cat scientists with their "degrees" and "logical reasoning" and "scientific method" and "fact gathering" and "lab coats".

...and "safety goggles".

And in still other equally important news, Arby's now has Loaded Curly Fries. I'm talking about "hey let's put our baked potato toppings and put it on curly fries!" Roll call: cheese sauce, shredded cheddar, an enourmous mound of sour cream, and some curiously crunchy bacon bits. It'll have you saying "oh god why?" in no time!



And the weeks just gotten started!

So a lot has happened in the last few weeks.



I saw Joel Plaskett at Knox United Church in Calgary. It was awesome. He played a very long set, and was joined by his dad Bill Plaskett and two female singers Rose Cousins and Ana Egge. All 3 of them played one of their own songs throughout the night. Joel always talks a ton, which is cool, unless you hate that, then you probably shouldn't go to a solo Joel show.



I recorded the show on my camera and it came out fairly well. I will post that in the year 2013 when I get arround to splicing it up and empeethreeing it, which is a verb.
Here is a preview though!

Joel Plaskett: Radio Fly (Live at Knox United May 7 2009):
Download (mp3)

Joel Plaskett: Television Set (Live at Knox United May 7 2009):
Download (mp3)



I also played with Endangered Ape at the Mammoth Cave Fest which was a huge success. Our set was sweaty and cramped, just the way a rock show should be. It was the best ever.













I also played with The Ape at Broken City opening for Great Evil (featuring guys from Wagbeard for you old timers out there) and the Forbidden Dimension, who played forever and ever. People seemed to like it though. Great Evil blew Paul's amp speaker.

At that show I drank free beer and had free food and also took part in defacing magazines with a Sharpie. I made a woman's butt into breasts, and was proud of it. I don't have the magazine anymore but I'm told Martiné has it framed on her wall.

Also that night I learned you can get gonorrhea on your EYEBALLS. I didn't learn this first hand, I mean, I didn't contract ocular gonorrhea or anything. I just learned that it can and WILL happen. So be careful when you're eating ass guys! Be aware of where your eyes are! Also avoid girls with gonorrhea altogether. Seriously.



I went to the zoo the next day. There were animals there. Some camels started fucking so I left so I didn't have to stab out my eyes with a Sharpie. I'd contract eye gonorrhea and let that eat my eyeballs out before I watch THAT.

I also experienced the famous Calgary Glamorgan Bakery Cheezebunz. They are buttery and delicious! Throw in some ham and microwave it for 15 seconds, and you have the best little sandwich this side of the Rockies. Ya, good bunz. These bunz were so good you wouldn't even want to draw nipples on them! That would create Cheezeboobz. Those aren't good.

To celebrate Cheezebunz, Lethbridge's greatest punk rock band Channel 01 wrote a song about them, way back in 1996, called "Cheezebunz".

Channel 01 - Cheezebunz:
Download (mp3)

Also, The Square Waves, my band that plays 3 times a year, got accepted into Sled Island, which is rad. We are playing three shows in June, one on June 6, which is very soon. We need practice! Also Endangered Ape, who I've mentioned 900 times on this blog lately, is obviously playing, and it's going to be rad as well. Easily as rad as that movie Rad, about the BMX bikers which came out in the 80s and was the greatest movie ever! There was the kid and his bike, and the cooler kid who was an asshole, and the girl the kid liked, and the big race at the end! Who can forget this tagline: "It's going to take a lot more than skill for Cru Jones to conquer the toughest BMX challenge in the world. It's going to take a miracle.". Man, that movie was number one! To the max!

Anyways, enough about BMX.

BMX is awesome.

B! M! X!

B! M! X!

B! M! X!

So good to be back blogging again.

I'm off to Helltrack now to practice for the big race. I'll win her heart, I swear! I'll win her heart with the power of BMX! It's going to take a lot of skill and hard work. And a miracle!

Opens Friday at select theatres.

Regarding my previous post and the gay-couch-hole, someone from Endangered Ape accepted my challenge and inserted their fingers into the mystery lounger orifice, creating this grainy and disturbingly sexual photo:



Speaking of Endangered Ape, Paul recently posted this photo on his Tumblr from their tour:



Classic tour photo!

My band, the band I play guitar in, Endangered Ape, is departing on their Cross-Canada tour (BC and Newfoundland, you guys don't count) today! I had my bag all packed and I was ready to abandon work and family, when Paul was all "uh...ya there isn't room in the van. Can you stay and manage our affairs here at home? Like pay the power bill, feed the fish, etc."

So I am staying behind while they experience the joys of driving in a van for 1500kms, and playing to empty rooms. This is a joke of course; at least I hope it is. Anyways, it should be a grand experience, cannibalism aside.

Let's run through the venues, shall we?

---

Regina, always a favourite of foreigners due to its name sounding like "vagina", is a vast wasteland populated by the Mole People, distant relatives of Morlocks who, as we all know, populate Medicine Hat. O'hanlons, a traditional Scottish pub established in 1996 by Chinese immigrants, sports not one but TWO VLT machines and wide variety of Leprechaun memorabilia along the walls, inexplicably.

Prediction: Someone gets laid.

---

Winnipeg, a shining light in an enormous watery province, is home to many a band such as The Weakerthans and The Guess Who and that's all I can remember. Murder happens often there, but I hear its not a bad place to visit every now and then. Local club The Rocker was home to the Canadian premiere of the Rainn Wilson movie of the same name. They borrowed a projector and projected it on an old bed-sheet in the mens washroom.

Prediction: Barfight.

---

Thunder Bay, nestled on a Great Lake, is home to several sports teams with lightning bolts in their logos, taking the "thunder" idea and running with it. Example A, Example B, Example C. Hot club The Apollo, with its legendary sounding name, normally features a variety of African American comedians, unless I am mistaken.



Prediction: Ella Fitzgerald does surprise duet on "Ghost Countdown".

---

Toronto, need I say more. "Toronto, Canada", as it's known to the outside world, is the center of the universe, but gets a bad rap. I bet it's actually a pretty cool place to visit, despite that I am required by law to hate their hockey team. Local dive Rancho Relaxo, with its "South-Western" theme, features more sombreros and ponchos than you can shake a hilariously oversized guitar at.

Prediction: Fiesta.

---

The city so nice they played it twice. Plus, Toronto is the current home of Endangered Ape Superfan/t-shirt designer Gillian-G, seen here in this photo taken at the monthly Toronto Hipster Convention. So I think there will be some fun times to be had. Sneaky Dees, a place destined for the date-rape drug, is sure to be standing room only once word spreads that at the previous nights show "the lead singer bit the head off a budgie and then violated its headless corpse". Only half true.

Prediction: Lots of people get laid. Morning regret.

---

Ottawa, our nations capital, is the classy neighbor of the sinful Toronto. Home to politicians and fancy old buildings, its burgeoning underground music scene... may exist? As far as Rock N' Roll Pizza Party, well if you haven't guessed, they serve over 100 types of pizza, ranging from "Pepperoni" to such exotic pizzas as "Hawaiian", which has pineapple right on the pizza! What? Is that even possible?

Prediction: Dough fight.

---

Montreal, Canada's most cultured city (aside from Bow Island), is home to French and English speakers alike, as well as a secret underground shopping mall which is like a normal mall, only closer to hell. Squalor, despite its name, is made of pure gold and diamonds. Irony.

Prediction: Seperatism.

---

Ah, Moncton! Home to one of my favourite bands of all times, Eric's Trip, and also home to many Meeses, or Moosii. New Brunswick also houses my main "brah" and occasional contributor to this blog, Stephen, though he is way over in Fredericton, and Endangered Ape aren't wasting their time in that shit hole. Doc Dylan's is a quaint little place; favourite hangout of singer-songwriters because of the "Dylan" part, although it's not named after Bob Dylan. It's named after Dylan McKay from 90210 fame. Luke Perry once visited there and had a sandwich. True story.

Prediction: Pot smell.

---

Sackville, Moncton's nearby neighbor is home to Sappyfest, a festival of bands put on by the Eric's Trip related Sappy Records label, which to a 90s East Coast music collector as myself, is legendary. Strut's Gallery is indeed a gallery, a shooting gallery. Fun fact: 95% of Sackville's murders are committed during last-call at Strut's Gallery.

Prediction: Someone from Eric's Trip will be there, and will dig Endangered Apes noise fetishism.

---

Halifax! Finally a place I've actually been to. Halifax is a great old city, full of fishermen, hilly roads, and a giant stronghold in the middle of town called the Citadel (of which I borrowed a small piece of... it was already lying on the ground). Fucking rad place. Anyways, Halifax produced Sloan, Thrush Hermit, Super Friendz... need I say more. Read about my Halifax adventures here.

Amazingly, Reflections Cabaret is a club I have actually been to, no lie! It is the gay bar where Stephen and I went for his bachelor party, which was featuring Drag Queen night! ... uh ya. It's all described in the old blog post if you care.
So, Endangered Ape, here is a preview of the stage you will be playing:



Watch out for the chick dressed as a dude.

My favourite memory of that place was the couch in one of the side rooms with the mystery hole in it. Extra points to any Endangered Ape member who "fingerbangs" the mystery hole, much like Stephens brother-in-law did.



Prediction: Double entendre.

---

Still in Halifax with east-coast buddies The Stolen Minks (who once regaled Nardwuar with the story of how they crashed at Paul and Jane's place) , Gus' Pub is a bar I haven't been to, so back to the lying. Gus' Pub is constructed entirely of mastodon bones, and you pee in the sink and wash your hands in the toilets. Also, pants are optional.

Prediction: Mental breakdown.

---

Back in Ontario! Sudbury is a long ways from Halifax, thus the 3 day gap here. It's sort of near Ottawa and Toronto. Looking at it in Google Maps, it looks like they have some train tracks and some lakes. Good for you Sudbury. Local hangout spot The Townehouse, superfluous "e" and all, hasn't changed its website design since it was first auto-generated using a now defunct tool written by a former goat-farmer with a degree from a community college.

Prediction: Disillusionment.

---

Wait, why are we back in Thunder Bay? Oh right, to play The Black Pirates Pub, which just sounds amazing! The Black Pirates Pub has pirate themed junk glued to their walls, and all employees are required to wear an eye patch. Plates often get dropped at The Black Pirates Pub. The recent news about the Somali pirates has only helped business. Keep it up Somali Pirates!

Prediction: Scurvy, Barnacle Fever.

---

Saskatoon, the asshole of Saskatchewan, that province being the asshole of Canada, and Canada being the freshly douched vagina of the world, ... um. Let's start over: Saskatoon. Last time The Ape played Saskatoon, it was a disaster, but such a disaster that it was good. Let's hope more people show up this time.

Prediction: Anticlimax.

---

Lethbridge: We have a bridge! Back home after a grueling journey, Endangered Ape will be joining some friends from nearby for an epic performance on the rooftop of the Old Firehall! Or that is the plan anyways. This takes place on the May long weekend Monday, and should be amazing! Welcome our heroes home with style!

Prediction: History made.

---

So there you go, your handy guide to the Endangered Ape: Swine Flu Spreading Tour 2009. Now get in your car and follow them! I gotta go feed the fish.

So, there is an outbreak of what is known as Swine Flu that is sweeping the nation. Well actually, multiple nations. Having done a lot of research on this, using patented research techniques such as speculation, conjecture, assumptions, and fear inducing paranoia, I have come up with some helpful info about this silent killer.

How Do You Contract Swine Flu, AKA "Pig Herpes"?
Swine Flu can be contracted in many ways. It originates in Mexico, and this tells us a lot.
Swine Flu can be contracted:

• By napping in the afternoon
  
• By eating tacos
  
• By stealing American jobs that hard working native Americans should be doing (not including actual Native Americans of course; I'm mostly meaning whites)
  
• Pigfucking

Now, let's visit that last point: Pigfucking. Don't fuck pigs, at least, not without wearing multiple condoms. And never in the ass. Only pig vag, please. Way cleaner, relatively. Also, you might as well just quit whatever religion you belonged to first, because I'm pretty sure you're getting excommunicated after making sweet swine love.

That last paragraph was one of the worst things I've ever written. But it's for your health, so I make no apologies except for the following: sorry for the pig sex paragraph.

What are some symptoms of Swine Flu AKA "Full Blown Piggles"
Symptoms can include:

• Fever and sweating
  
• Copious vomiting
  
• Spontaneous bacon generation
  
• Watching the "squeal like a pig" scene from Deliverance repeatedly and enjoying it

How do I not get Swine Flu AKA "The Oink Shakes"?
Some suggestions for prevention are:

• Stay away from Mexico, or any of the cities on the ever growing list of Swine Flu hotspots
  
• Stay away from Taco Bell (always a good idea anyways)
  
• As stated earlier, no unsafe pig sex
  
• Don't get Swine Flu

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There, hope that helped. I suppose illnesses that cause death aren't really all that funny, unless of course, no one you know dies from it, right? Remember SARS? What a funny illness that was.

Here's an update to my Celebrity Blog which lists where I will be appearing each week.

Tonight I will be appearing at the GCBC Lounge playing with Rock Combo "The Endangered Apes". I will be playing a 6-stringed electric guitar. No cameras.

The GCBC Lounge used to be called The Red Room, or some might of called it That Gay Bar, and still others would call it "The place the fireman hung out in when they weren't saving burning brothel houses".

The money all goes to a good cause, that being the "Help Endangered Ape Travel Across The Country In Their Van And Delight Canadian Children Everywhere East Of Here Foundation For The Arts".

Since my last post I:
-Played with Endangered Ape at the Sled Island Fundraiser show in Calgary
-Saw Fucked Up... some of it anyways
-Worked
-Ate Red Dog 2 meals in a row
-Saw the Myelin Sheaths debut
-Recorded 3 songs for Endangered Ape in 15 minutes
-Vomited all over my bathroom door
-Neglected the blog

Till next time!

Tonight I will be playing the guitar in Endangered Ape at the following amazing show!



Witness the debut of Endangered Ape: Prime featuring 3 guitars, 2 keyboards, 1 bass, 1 drummer and 1 amazing vocalist!


Also I will be wearing my old green button up shirt. Not to be missed.

Recently world-famous actor Billy "Bob" Thornton and his band The Bruce Boxleitners(sp?) were on CBC's Q, that radio show hosted by the least successful member of Moxy Früvous, Jian Ghomeshi. During the interview, he acted like he was drug-addled or practicing his lines as understudy for Joaquin Phoenix's documentary. The reason for his erratic and retarded behaviour was that he was angry when Jian recited plain facts about who he was; namely, a world famous actor. Billy "Bob" felt that Jian was treating him as an actor who did music as a hobby, rather than a real musician like the least successful Travelling Wilbury, Tom Petty.

What "Bob" fails to understand is: you cannot be a famous actor, and then be a respected musician. This violates the Actor/Musician Principle:

Famous Actor First and Musician Last means People Think You Are a Foolish Ass.

Famous Musician First and Actor Last means People Think You Are a Full Of Class.

This principle can be supported by numerous examples throughout history.

Actors who became Musicians:

Russell Crowe
His dull style of MOR singer/songwriter music has been driving Australians to suicide pacts for years now. I think Russell may have actually started as a musician, but he certainly wasn't known as one anywhere important (read: USA) until after he was a super-global-famous actor. Russell, please stick to what you are good at. And to clarify, I mean acting, not singing / songwriting / acoustic guitar playing.


Keanu Reeves
AKA Bass player from "Dogstar". Quick, name one Dogstar song! If you said "Dogstar Theme", you were just guessing and may be correct.



Kevin Bacon
Let's be honest, if "The Bacon Brothers" were unleashed upon the world pre-Footloose, nobody would like them anyways. I think the band is just Kevin cutting his brother a break.


Juliette Lewis
She has a band called The Licks that I've never heard. She strikes me as the type to urinate on stage and swear at the audience a lot. She was great as Elaine on Seinfeld though!


Jared Leto
His band Mars Rover..or 30 Seconds To Mars, or whathaveyou, is pretty lame. Jared Leto was awesome in My So Called Life though, and did well in one of the most depressing movies every made, Requiem For A Dream. But come on, nobody is adding 30 Seconds To Mars to their Myspace Favourite Bands list anytime soon. That's probably not true; people who maintain their Myspace Favourite Bands list are probably his core audience.


Eddie Murphy
You do remember "Party All The Time", right? Actually, his movie career isn't going so hot, as his film roles seem to require a fat-suit 50% of the time. Maybe he should release "Still Partyin' (All The Time)" and give his career a boost.


Don Johnson
Heartbeat. What happened to Don Johnson anyways? It's time for a comeback.


Milla Jovovich
She does have the advantage of always having a hot girl willing to get naked in her videos.


Stephen Seagal
Stephen Seagal's acting or Stephen Seagal's music: which is worse?

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Of course, there are cases when an actor DOES become a famous musician; Will Oldham for example. However as the principle states, "Famous" is a requirement, and Will Oldham's role as a preacher in the 1987 movie Matewan didn't exactly make him a household name.



Now there are also several examples of famous Musicans who then became actors. People don't seem to have a problem with this.

Some Musicians who became Actors:

Kris Kristofferson
After informing us about his pal Bobby McGee, Kris Kristofferson started acting in a million films. I don't know if I've seen any of them, I tend to not watch anything that isn't in 3D nowadays.



Mark Wahlberg
Famous for his song "Good Vibrations" (which he wrote while listening to the song "Good Vibrations") and his incredible wash-board abs and ample crotch, Mark eventually took up acting and did some pretty rad films, including The Departed, Boogie Nights and Three Kings. Even given his unfortunate acting choices in the film "The Happening", he's still got a pretty good career going.



David Bowie
Labyrinth anyone? Also has done quite a few other movies, dude even played Nikola Tesla in The Prestige! Nevermind his turn on Extras.


Will Smith
Perhaps the greatest example of musician turned actor, this guy has so many blockbusters on his resume he could be confused for the owner of a video-rental chain. Hits like "The Legend of Bagger Vance", "Wild Wild West" and a cameo on "Blossom" have cemented him in the record books of acting history, which I am told is made of cement and is very heavy. Also, this just in: those were all terrible examples of his acting career.


A Ton of Other Rappers
Ice-T, Ice Cube, Ludacris, Queen Latifah, Eminem, etc, etc: rappers love to act. Of course a shining example of a rapper turned actor is displayed in the following clip:

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Now there is a third part to the principle as well.

Caveat: Terrible Tween-Friendly Famous Actor First and Musician Last means People Who Like You Have Bad Taste Already And Would Buy Any Piece Of Shit You Shat On Their Doorstep Anyways

That one doesn't quite "flow" like the others. Examples of this case are:

Hillary Duff
AKA "Lizzie McQuire", Hillary stunk up the Disney Channel for a few years and then all of a sudden started singing the phrase "So Yesterday", much to the delight of millions of 12 year old girls everywhere. Her popularity has waned in recent years due to the fact that she isn't Miley Cyrus or a sibling of a Jonas, and her fan-base reaching puberty didn't help.


Miley Cyrus
Her role as the split-personality disorder suffering Hannah Montana has provided hours of entertainment to Lizzie McQuire's former fan age-group. Her dad is mega-achy-breaky-country-sensation Billy Ray Cyrus, and her brother is in the Bruce Cockburn riff-stealing Metro Station. What a terrible family!


Lindsay Lohan
Fake tits, drugs, alcoholism, anorexia, the Parent Trap remake.


...

I was going to add Paris Hilton to this list, but I don't think she really counts as an actor, despite her role as a sperm receptacle in the low-budget Dogme film "One Night In Paris".

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Ok so there you have it. If you have hopes of becoming a successful actor AND musician, do it in the right order or else you're going to be begging for Jian Ghomeshi's respect for the rest of your life.

Check out the top two stories from Global News a few nights ago!
1) The U of L is full of racist students!
2) Applying to the U of L has never been easier!
3) ...the nightly Ian MacDonald Awkward Moment™.

Today is "National Cleavage Day", which is something you'd think I'd invent, but apparently Wonderbra and Cosmopolitan came up with it. Bravo! Of course according to Wikipedia, the "National" refers to South Africa, so all you dudes trying to convince women to show more boob are just fakers. Unless you are South African. And I know most of our readers aren't. ( | ) <-cleavage. Uh.... so... ya cleavage is good. it's that space between boobs. .... it is visually pleasing to a man. ... and maybe lesbians. not sure. ...good times.

I got a Milk Tea from upstairs at lunch. All they had left were these giant, stupid straws.



Who the hell is the market for these straws? Besides children under the age of 12, why would you want such a large capacity straw? This is a university, average student age of 20. We don't want stupid giant straws which require the sucking power of an East Hastings crack whore. I don't require 15 times the normal volume of tea when I have a sip. No one enjoys stretching their jaw like a python about to envelope a wombat.

Also, now my tea is all gone in 1/4th of the time it would normally be. What's the point? Can't I savor my tea? Now all I have is an empty cup, my jaw hurts, and I'm unsatisfied. Sort of like the "2 Girls 1 Cup" actresses.

So ya, smaller straws plz.

***UPDATE it was pointed out to me that those straws are for Bubble Tea, which is tea with floaty bits if goo. I would say that if your drink requires a straw the size of an oil pipeline, then your beverage is flawed.