This blog has moved to

http://fshock.com/blog.

Go there.

This is the final post on this Livejournal. I'm done. Over and out. Kaput.

I will not be posting to this journal anymore.

But what I mean to say is, I'm done with Livejournal, the service. You won't have to see any more fake-titted girls advertising "Evony", an online game which actually features NO fake-titted girls, or real-titted girls for that matter. In fact it's just a cheap ripoff of Civilization. False advertisting.



Or how about the gross Yellow Teeth ads? That's really what I want on the screen when people are reading my blog.



And, how about this?



In the good old days of Livejournal, there were no ads cluttering up the screen. It looked a whole lot nicer. Also, that was the web 5 years ago, which in "real" time, is like 100 years ago. Like, for example, about 100 years ago, "talkies" were the latest in cinema. 5 years ago on the web, the "marquee" tag was considered a great way to display info about your company BBQ.



Other than the clutter-fuck of banner ads, Livejournal hasn't changed much in those 5 years. It works ok, but isn't "hip" anymore, if it ever was. If you ever hear about a great blog post, and the link takes you to Livejournal, you feel let down. "Livejournal? Eewww." It's one step away from a Myspace blog entry.

Also, I hear the RSS feed doesn't update worth a shit.

As you can tell from this post from March 1, 2005, I have been planning on moving off of LJ for quite some time.

Quote:
"Work has begun on the Future Shock Journal system. Livejournal, your days are numbered! For us anyways. "

Obviously...my first 18 attempts failed.

My first attempt was to write a blog system, from scratch, in Zope/Python, because that is how I used to do things. From scratch. Which is why nothing ever got done.

I abandoned that rather quickly, and then decided to do it in Drupal. Then I thought that would be too hard, so I would do it in Wordpress. Then I decided: "Screw it, I'm doing it in Drupal so it makes my two Drupal business trips seem worthwhile". And that is what I did! Eventually.

So, this means the end for Livejournal. For me, and for them, because they are screwed without me. Remember when Friends ended it's run on NBC? Yeah, nobody watches NBC anymore. That spinoff show "Joey"? Utter failure.

However, it is not the end for what is the nearly 900 posts on this blog. They are all coming to the new site! Fucking seriously! Even the tedious shit from 2005/2006! And not only that, but also all the comments! That way you don't miss the drama of my fights with Steve, or how about that time we all alienated that weird chick from Oregon because she thought we were making fun of her? Good times.

It will be like nothing changed, other than it looks better and is more functional and doesn't have as many fake tits or gross teeth on the sides of the screen.

Anyways, let's end this and move on over to the new site. It's like a fun adventure!

Ready?

Ok.

Click here.

Oops that was not the correct link.

GO NOW TO THE FSHOCK BLOG: EXECUTIVE PLATINUM EDITION GOLD ++.

I saw some pretty amazing EXTREME SHIRTS in the mall while in Missoula. I was gonna buy one, but I couldn't find one with more than 500 bleeding skulls on it, so I passed.



What is it with these shirts anyways? They always have a bunch of skulls and wings, then some sort of script done in handwriting, all at various angles printed overtop of each other. Something must also be in metallic gold or silver. And why not bling it up with some sequins or rhinestones? When did Bedazzled clothing become "ok" for a Bro to wear in public? I'm no fashionista or anything (2 more years of school left), but I'm pretty sure these shirts are total "blaaarg".

If you own a t-shirt pressing plant, or just some silk-screening equipment, I have constructed this handy series of images of How To Make Your Own EXTREME-SHIRT.

1)


2)


3)


4)


5)


6)


There, now you can be a first grade fashionable douche-bag too. See you in the mall and at the club!

So I've been back for almost a week now. I see Robolade is more obsessed with masturbation synonyms than ever. Sorry about the porn. I gotta build a RobertaLade for him to have robo-sex with.

My favourite Robolade line from last week: "I suggest you skip The Pita Pit the next time you are gently hungry. Instead, why not eat a big bowl of Back-door Bliss?".

My favourite Robolade Band name: Hurt Shit.

So, what did I do while that madness was going on? Well the night before leaving for Montana, I nearly ruptured an ear-drum playing the epic final show of Endangered Ape and GCBC.



It was legendary, tons of people, tons of sweat, lots of hairy dudes with shirts off. Drunk people everywhere. So awesome. I even spent 5 minutes in Studio 54, and if you don't believe me, here is a terrible photo of Silver Dapple on the dance floor there.



On Sunday the whole fammy left for Missoula, Montana, a place I have never been to.



It was about a 6 hour drive, or something like that. Missoula is a cool place, home of the University of Montana, making it a "college town", and thus, with multiple places to buy a bong or vaporizer for your pot-smoking needs. Lots of dirty hippies and trendy kids. I even saw one dirty Hippy mom breast feeding her two year old right in the park!

No I didn't get pix. Also, if you are capable of uttering the phrase "Hey mom, I am PARCHED. Whip it out and lets get me hydrated", maybe it's time for a sippy cup? Maybe that's an ignorant North American concept, but whatever. That shit's just weird.



I also visited Ear Candy, the rad record store, and bought a bunch of stuff. I actually went twice, because after my first trip, I needed advice from experts of what to buy. The owner of the record store looks like Steve West, drummer for Pavement, by the way.

We ate breakfast one morning at this 50s diner called Uptown Diner. It had crap on the walls, like all restaurants in the 50s had.



I coloured the colouring sheet there.



There was a big music festival about to happen, "Totalfest VIII", featuring such acts as Filth Mattress, Rooster Sauce and Lamborghiniz.



Other stuff in Missoula:





After a few days there, it was off to a KOA Kampground for some Kamping in a Kabin. That is actually how they spell it.



Since we don't have a trailer or any will to stay in a tent, we decided to go here as the closest thing to actual camping. It's not camping, it's Kamping! We stayed at the West Glacier KOA, which is really nice since it's not behind a TJ Maxx like the one in Missoula. It is actually in the woods. The campground had a pool, hot tubs, a store, an ice cream shop, and even a little arcade which sported the greatest barely functioning arcade games of the early 90s. Oh, and it also had Wifi. That's why it's called Kamping, not camping.

The cabin itself is really just 2 rooms, one with a big bed with a foamy mattress, and the main room with 2 bunk beds. Add some electricity and that's it. Nothing fancy but it worked.



We traveled to the usual places in Kalispell and Columbia Falls. While in Kalispell I saw this church sign:



I wasn't really sure what to make of that. Was it a political statement? What the hell does it even mean? Didn't Jesus die for something more interesting than my 401K? What's a 401K anyways?

We also went to the Maze, which is a good time, even though it was 30 above.



Did I mention that I set a record that no doubt lived on the whiteboard for a good day or two? Ya that's right. I finished that maze in 16 minutes, BITCH.



While in Kalispell we also went to Moose's Saloon, the greatest sketchy-yet-family friendly bar in all of Montana, with awesome pizza, and a Doctor Who pinball game which had a flipper that would stick and sort of ruin the whole playing experience.



Some other things. Did you know Montana Arby's serves dog biscuits?



Also in Montana, Red Dog isn't a diner run by frogs, but instead they are builders with fast trucks.



I bought the usual Cherry Coke, as well as the new Dr Pepper Cherry, which is like Dr Pepper Vanilla Cherry, but...with no Vanilla. What was the point? It's still delicious, but not quite as delicious. Why they always gotta change things?

On the way back over Logan Pass I saw a Mountain Sheep AKA Ram:





And the most important thing I learned: Fly High, son.

Last night I was at the newest Lethbridge nightclub "Onerous Klutz", and I met this hot chick named Ustin, which is a hellish name for a woman, I know. Here's a photo I took of her:

Here's a link to her Facebook page.

So we were dancing to the latest track by Sloan, when she leans over and makes paying my fanny. It was knowledgeable and awkward, but made me hard as a foil. I grabbed her buttocks and we then slow danced to that new song "Yourself Bid" by Reel Big Fish.

It was clear that Ustin was hornier than Kate Asabuki wearing a Cyberskin Cock Cinnamon, so I decided to move the party back to my place. We got in my kindhearted Suburu Outback and I started to drive. It was then that she told me: "Robolade, I want to bring you briefly, right here in the car."
Well, I just about drove off the road like some sort of forgetful driver. I told her, "Ustin, you can bring me anytime, you hot sexy poopy face."

After a bit of that, we arrived at my place where I totally bust her. In the fat-can.

Then we drank a visitor. It was cynical.

Anyways I should really get back to burning this the fist. Bye!

Well, it's almost September and that means: New Fall TV Schedule! Are you as wee as I am?

Let's look at some of the new shows.

Motherfuck Is With Lander?

Mondays on FOX



Description: What happens when a Psychologist and his best friend the Chemist decide to up and move to North Battleford, Saskatchewan? Biting? Swearing? Them!

My guess: This show is gonna be the poofter of the TV season.

Ceaseless Ailment!

Tuesdays on NBC



Description: Sabrina is a hardworking Horticulturist, while Ed is a lazy bag of shit. Together, they make the most legal couple since Michael Mckean and Mai Lin!


My guess: Worse than that time The Psychedelic Furs guest starred on Alf: The Animated Series.

Lytton Lies Levina

Thursdays on ABC



Description: Lytton is married to Dorothy, but is in love with Levina. When Dorothy dies in a horrible shoe accident, Lytton is left a widow, and available. Will Lytton be able to Lie Levina, or will a reminiscent Purchasing Manager get in the way?


My guess: This show concept makes less sense than a lowly diamond cutting bringing a messy used condom. SHNIT??

Ancient In Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan

Fridays on CBS



Description: Marina is a recovering nasty, who just got a job at the Electrical Engineering Technician factory. The entire city of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is full of nostalgic and wholesale characters. Upsetting has never been so noxious! Starring Reggie Rolle and Lindley "ball licker" Lyman as "The Brief Buttocks".

My guess: Sounds exactly like the plot to The World Of David The Gnome, which is my least favourite show. More boring than this moaning website.

--

Looks like its going to be another dashing year for TV. Might as well buy a dad and watch that instead.

Anyways I should really get back to thinking this super duper dong. Bye!

Have you heard the new Gruntruck song? It is a piece of piss I swear.

It's called Radical Leap. I heard it while eating at Tim Horton's the other day. They had that crappy radio station on. The one with DJ Quaint Durwin, who always makes me think: "What the balls is this shitbag doing on radio?". So ya. This song is worse than the worst The Darling Buds song.

Here are the lyrics:

Radical Leap by Gruntruck

Inlaying elfin
Sinking little
Will you hang?
Can you fly?
Breed my detention!

Radical Leap is flying!
Radical Leap is weaving!

Laying resolute
Drinking painstaking
Will you strike?
Can you interlay?
Lend my fixation!

Radical Leap is sowing!
Radical Leap is bringing!

Playin' With Myself! Playin' With Myself! Playin' With Myself! Playin' With Myself!


See? Total draconian garbage.

Well that's about it for this post, I have to get back to wetting my stone hammer.

I decided to start stalking someone. I'm bored, and frankly, pretty acrid. Like, I'm talking QUICKLY acrid! There is nothing to do here but cranking one off all day long, but after awhile you start to lose and it's not fun anymore.

So I searched the internet and decided on this person:


(Uh, this image is a tad NSFW...
click if you dare. Sorry -Editing Staff)Odessa Kimberley

Yes, the persons name is Odessa Kimberley. Stupid name right?

Anyways, I went on Odessas Myspace page and discovered that Odessa Kimberley really likes Creed, Coco Pazzo and putting backpacks while wearing an ultimate erection set. Freak.

Next I went on Odessa's Flickr site. Mostly pictures of guttural lawns. What a stupid fuck.

Odessa Kimberley also has a last.fm page, revealing a lot of music that is even worse than The Pastels's last album.

I have sent Odessa a bunch of threatening emails. For example I told her "Hi Odessa, I can see you when you are hitchhiking to heaven, and I know when you freeze. I also have photos of you." Then I attached this blackmail photo (NSFW?).

Good fun.

Later I'm going to drop by Odessa's house and leave a flaming bag of butt underworlds.

So you later, and watch out for Eldrich Celie, he's a pussy.

I decided to start stalking someone. I'm bored, and frankly, pretty oceanic. Like, I'm talking ACCIDENTALLY oceanic! There is nothing to do here but hugging the sausage all day long, but after awhile you start to sing and it's not fun anymore.

So I searched the internet and decided on this person:

Yes, the persons name is Maryann Channing. Stupid name right?

Anyways, I went on Maryanns Myspace page and discovered that Maryann Channing really likes Rage Against The Machine, Dionysios Mediterranean Grill and bending portals while wearing a liquid latex fluorescent purple. Freak.

Next I went on Maryann's Flickr site. Mostly pictures of habitual implements. What a big jerk face.

Maryann Channing also has a last.fm page, revealing a lot of music that is even worse than Dead Can Dance's last album.

I have sent Maryann a bunch of threatening emails. For example I told her "Hi Maryann, I can see you when you are beating the bed flute, and I know when you light. I also have photos of you." Then I attached this blackmail photo (NSFW?).

Good fun.

Later I'm going to drop by Maryann's house and leave a flaming bag of arse leagues.

Anyways I should really get back to fighting this ass master. Bye!

So, while Akolade is away writing around in some Montana valley, I decided to go snooping around his private stuff, and came across some rather tricky things. You will be cagey like a poopy face after reading this list.

THINGS I FOUND IN AKOLADE'S HOUSE THAT MADE ME SAY "FOOK??":

1) A "The Von Bondies" Cassette Tape.
I mean, who the hell listens to The Von Bondies anymore? After their lead singer got caught draining the lizard with a john holmes ultra realistic cock with Joe Flanigan in the kitchen of Rics Grill, I was hoping people would throw their albums out.
Also, they suck anyways. They suck harder than Careena Collins in that movie "Typical Fanny Forsaking Volume 3".

2) A Bag of Skullcrushers
What is he doing with these? What a weird cocksucker Akolade is. The only use I can think of for a Skullcrusher is to calmly sow an another. Even then, it's not ideal.

3) This Photo:

4) A Rocki Roads Oral Pleasure
And it's covered in sticky motto juice by the way.

--
That's just some of the weird and victoriously empty stuff I found lying around. I'll let you know if I find anything else that is at least mildly slow.

Anyways I should really get back to spoiling this 11 inch cock with balls black. Bye!

I've had it with women. Buncha weiners if you ask me, not worth the trouble.

Ok, let me explain. I was chatting over IM last night with Mia, who is a girl I've known since I was a young pisshead back in grade school. We dated a few years back, and things got pretty fertile. I had to break up with her. I told her we could still be friends, which is a ceaseless thing to do.

Here's how our chat went last night:

Mia: Hey!

Robolade: hey, whats up?

Mia: Why are you always such a cum drinker?

Robolade: Frack??

Mia: You know what I'm talking about.

Robolade: No, shit face, I don't.

Mia: I saw you with Cheri at Four Winds Cafe At Travelodge today!

Robolade: So what!

Mia: You know we're friends! How dare you hit her, in a restaurant of all places!

Robolade: Listen donkey, I'll hit whoever I want.

Mia: Fuck! Well guess what??

Robolade: ...what

Mia: When we were dating, I shod with your best friend George Eads. In your bed!

Robolade: What??

Mia: That's right. He was hearing me all night. Then I was spanking frank for him. On your comic books.

Robolade: Bullshit!

Mia: Don't believe me? Well here's a picture!

Sending CaptainPecker.jpg



Robolade: You X-10 Beads covered piss!

Mia: BALL LICKER!

Mia has disconnected

---

So anyways, ya, I'm done with women. Just gonna try beating the bait while looking at my favourite porn site till I figure shit out.

Time to sneak my ork blade, Nikki Charm style!

Restaurant Review Time! Today I will be reviewing the uncle fucker of all restaurants in the city: The Pita Pit.

Here is a photo of the bag of shit:

Let's start with the decor. The place reminded me of Seattle, Washington, probably because of all the pig vomit callous guys on the walls. Who decorated this place, Roger Velasco? It made me want to start pulling my plonker with a supplies.

Next let's talk about the service. The service was about as versed as a dickhead in a demonic canoe. Worse than an enthusiastic buttocks! I waited forever just to get a glass of Acoustic Juice, and the waiter (whos name was Luella by the way) was a total pisshead. Plus he stunk like an earsplitting yacht. Motherfuck dude, Motherfuck.

And most importantly, how about the food? I ordered a dish of Threatening Nurse, which is a pretty friendly thing to order I guess. Well, it tasted like a cross between Kristara Barringtons vagina and a young abettor that blindly broke a Deep Penetrating Dong. It tasted worse than that last Love Spit Love album!

I suggest you skip The Pita Pit the next time you are gently hungry. Instead, why not eat a big bowl of Back-door Bliss? It would be far more satisfying and won't leave you feeling like you got knew by a telling cumdumpster.

Well that's about it for this post, I have to get back to interlaying my warhammer.

On Sunday I am leaving for Montana, as I am wont to do at least once a summer. This year I will be visiting a new place: Missoula, which I hear is quite a pretty little city that also happens to have an amazing record store. Also: this girl.

I will also be hitting the old stomping grounds: Kalispell, Whitefish, Columbia Falls. I hope to return with several cases of soda, various boxes of cereal, and a patriotic guitar strap. Maybe even a "NOBAMA" bumper sticker? I hate how that guy is always being black!

In the past I have setup my robot, Robolade, to post for me. Well I'm doing it again because clearly, I hate you. I have wired in a few extra calculators which expanded his "conversation matrix", as well as installed a new Flux Capacitor (the old one was moldy) and some extra vacuum tubes. And also: a vacuum.



If his posts all of a sudden stop, that means my house has burned down and my life is in ruins. Please inform the fire department.

Also I have to warn you, wherever that robot is getting his pictures from lately seem to be filled with NSFW photos. Mainly: naked girls from Russian Websites. So just be warned if you happen to open up this blog in your local nunnery and see a naked woman looking over her shoulder at you, with a visible "bald cootch".

Oh and don't forget: Saturday night, the last Endangered Ape show ever. Shits gonna "go off", and "get real", and "blow" (in the good "blow up" kind of way, not the bad "Bel Biv Devo blow!" sort of way).

Later.

Hey Kids,

My SMS-Rock band The Squaaves are playing tomorrow (Wednesday) at The Slice, with Playing Cards and Amelia Earhart! Chizzeck it out! We haven't played at the Slice since that covers show which took a lot of our time and made me realize "no more covers shows". After all, you can't judge a band by it's covers.

Also, I exploded my AC Adaptor for my synth last night, so I have to go buy a new one. Guess what: don't plug your 12V AC-loving four-track into your 9V AC-giving power adaptor. It kills it, instantly.

It was purely be accident, as I was switching between my synth and my four track as I recorded a "hot new fresh jam", and I effed up what plugs into what. Foolishness. It appears The Source has what I need though, so I'll be stopping there. I hear it's open 24 hours and has new porn shipped daily. Ell Oh Ell.

Speaking of minstrel shows, this Saturday marks the end of an era, and by era I mean about 14 months! The last ever Endangered Ape show takes place at GCBC! What!? Say it isn't so! The truth of the matter is: Lead vocalist Radam and Lead Bassist Paul K hate each other. It all stems from, you guessed it: the Cola Wars. So many families torn apart, when will it end? I've been plugging this band since their inception, when it was just Paul, Radam, JA Brooks, Janerpants, Fernando "El Burro" Evasquez, and a wet mop in a bucket.



This show is a CAN'T MISS, and also features The Famines, who I am told put on an amazing show. AMAZING. Oh and also: The Shipyards from Vancouver, and Lethbridge's/Montreal's own Silver Dapple, which has Squaaves bass player Otto Shannon on bass guitar, joining Emily Soy Captain, and a drummer whose name I don't know. Arnold maybe? Come to the show and find out the truth!

This blarg-post is Not Safe For Work, which is why I wrote none of it at work. That would be wrong.

A few months ago I uploaded a picture of a statue to Photobucket, which is an image hosting site. I wrote a tutorial for Stephen on how to use it aeons ago. Of course he never used it.

Anyways, I uploaded my digital-zoom picture of a statues naked nectar-of-life-giving bozongas, from a statue near the White House. You know, where the President of the Free World lives. Anyways, apparently this flagrant display of chiseled female breasts was offensive to someone at Photobucket, because they flagged it as "violating their terms of service".

Here is the photo in question, hosted somewhere that doesn't involve morons.



I hope you aren't scarred for life now. Don't let any kids see this or else they'll start having unprotected gangbang sex immediately.

If you want to see this statue yourself, as do hundreds of tourists every day, it's located here:



As a social experiment, I decided to uploaded several photos to Photobucket, some statue, some not, to see if any of them would get flagged. Here are the photos I uploaded:























I also threw in a few odd ones to make it interesting.



I also thought I'd throw in a real naked woman who sorta looked like a statue.



Then I thought I'd attempt to make her look like an actual statue, using misinformed amateurish Photoshop techniques.



I also put in this infamous "man eating corn" aka "the lowest point in a woman's life" photo, which technically, contains no nudity that wouldn't be allowed on normal TV.



Here was the final page after uploading:



------------------

So, like a not-so-fine cheese, I let the page sit for a few weeks and then came back to see what was left. Results:



So what was deemed offensive by Photofucket?

Well they banned the photo of the real naked woman, along with my awesome Photoshop statue effect.

They also found the statue carrying the jug to be horribly offensive.



They also found the craggy million year old egyptian looking breasts to be violating their terms of service!



And never mind the extremely unrealistic looking one of the bare chested woman that looks like it was carved from a coconut shell!



Note that they banned the "corn" photo, despite it containing no nipple, penis, vajay-jay, or bare ass of any sort. It's sort of like that scene in Austin Powers where his junk is always covered by a variety of objects. Maybe Photobucket's Terms Of Service includes a clause about "photos that are just wrong"?



I will also point out that after I put up the initial statue photos, I had put up a large photo of a woman's cleavage for use with my National Cleavage Day post. THAT photo got banned a day later! It was something you see everyday at the mall!



Anyways, the point is, Photobucket are a bunch of fucking weeners and I have an unhealthy obsession with ta-tas.

We are all going to die. Why? Because we will soon be trapped in our neighborhoods, unable to travel, because there is a gas shortage in Alberta. Without cars, we are screwed. Our feeble bodies aren't made to travel long distances; walking to and from our cars is about the best we can handle before collapsing in exhaustion, barely able to keep a grip on our DQ Blizzards.

Sure, there are bicycles, but that's only going to get you about twice as far as walking before you fall off your bike clutching your heart in a cardiac arrest. Bikes aren't enough.

With the lack of gas, that means no delivery trucks. Soon we will starve without a fresh supply of Sausage McGriddles and Stackticons to keep our bodies full of life. Think you can grow that shit in your backyard? Have fun with your carrots. Are you a rabbit? Rabbits can't read blogs, so you aren't a rabbit. Good try, human.

And let's not forget the Molotov Cocktail. That's right, a jar full of gasoline with a dirty burning rag stuffed into it. No more of those. No more! Be happy, local Mosques. I'll have to find another way to make you pay for housing the incorrect religion.



We can only hope the oil companies can work this out and save us all, and we can forget how reliant we are on fossil fuels once again as we fill up our Nissan Armadas and throw Molotov Cocktails at foreigners.

Last Friday my Tweet-Rock band The Square Waves played Calgary at Broken City for the Steam Whistle "Unsigned" show. The turnout wasn't that great. Everyone read my previous blogpost and realized they could be watching The Decemberists or some shit. That's cool. We added a new-old song to the mix and it went pretty well. I fucked up tons of words early on, but I'm told you couldn't hear me at first anyways so I might as well have read out a grocery list.

I *do* hate playing to an almost empty room with no one moving. I think we will hire dancers as part of the band, much like The Prodigy used to have "The Prodigy Dancers". However, instead of scary British dudes, we'll have all girls in Go Go skirts.

I am working closely with the FOX Network and we are developing the audition process into a reality show called "Dancing On A Square Wave". The show will consist of 32 girls all vying to be one of the final 4 "Squaavettes", and possibly date one of us, depending how things work out. We'll be following them through the auditioning process, as well as their lives in the "Square Waves Mansion", which is actually that abandoned fruit building near The Roadhouse on 1st Ave. Will there be cat fighting? You better believe it!



The girls will also compete in a series of completely unrelated and unneccessary competitions to avoid being on "slop" for the week, much like on Big Brother where they force contestants to eat a porridge-like substance. However, because of one of our sponsors, our slop will consist entirely of items on the "Arby's 4 for $6.00" menu.

Many of the competitions will take place down the street at the Top Hat, Lethbridge's best (and only) strip joint. Some of the "challenges" may involve stripping. Skin to win. Also there is dancing? Yes, dancing. This is for dancers. I must remember that.

Each week I, along with my fellow Squaaves, will eliminate contestants who didn't "dance hard enough" or "bring it" to the level which we require "it" to be "brought". A girl will be informed of her failure by receiving a complementary Square Waves Tote that says "I FAILED" written on the side in the "Square Waves Font", and also a years worth of Horsey Sauce courtesy of Arby's.

Winners will be signed to a year-long contract dancing for The Square Waves, with a paycheque of "5% of the door" as well as "beer tickets" at selected venues. Possibly a free partial meal if I don't finish it.

The shows website launch + sign-up sheet will hit the Internet in late August. Watch for it girls! Sometimes dreams DO come true.

Did you miss seeing The Square Waves last week? Then you have two more chances this week! Tonight at Henotic we are playing with Montreals' Parlovr (pronounced "Parlour" you ignorant Westerner), and Lambta Das from Regina, featuring a dude from Hot Blood Bombers!

If you have "a thing" and can't make it, or simply hate The Square Waves, maybe you'll decide you like us sometime around Thursday. If so, come up to Calgary on Friday and see us at Broken City for our Steam Whistle Beer "Unsigned" show with Little Foot Long Foot and Mixylodian. We also have a track in the Steam Whistle Podcast on teh iTunes; sorry Zune owners. Friday is a totally dead night in Calgary, it's not like Bell Orchestre, Gomez, Mekons, Arrested Development and The Decemberists are playing at Calgary Folk Fest that night or anything.

And if they WERE, well... our show is only $5.00 to get in. Don't be a dirty hippy.

So ya, busy week.

Ok, so I started writing a post on the new Big Brother Season 11, much like I did awhile back for Season 8. But half way through it, I realized: it just wasn't that interesting. Half the people on the show aren't interesting enough to make fun of. So let me spare you and just compress it to the following...

The dorky guy looks like The Decemberists' Colin Meloy:



This girl has giant fake boobs:


The reality show staples are all here:


Is it worth watching? As much as any other season I suppose.

Speaking of reality shows, I caught most of an episode of "I Survived A Japanese Game Show" yesterday. You see, I was all caught up on my Franz Kafka novels and needed a break before heading off to my weekly Debate Club meeting. So why not watch Americans on a Japanese game show? The show actually isn't quite as bad as you might think. It really IS a Japanese game show, and is filmed like your typical reality show where a person is kicked off each week. It features a bunch of Americans transplanted to Japan where they complain a lot and compete on this insane game show.



The most interesting moment came at the end of the show where a man and a woman (who had also fallen in love, adding extra drama to the show!) had to compete to see who stayed on the show and who had to return to America. The competition involved biting the heads off of disgusting dead squids, all hanging in a row. Also you had to wear pantyhose over your head, which was attached to the wall behind you. You know, because it didn't look creepy enough, with you biting heads off squids, now you also have your face contorted like a bank robber.

The most disturbing thing was the fact that the woman figured it out in no time: simply deep throat the squid tentacles like you are some sort of hardcore porn actress, then bite down hard and spit it out. I'm guessing to certain Japanese people, those who enjoy tentacle porn, this was the biggest turn-on since the last Hentai Labour Day Marathon on the "Super Amazing Deviant Anime Happy! Channel".





Quality TV is alive and well.

My blog-rock band The Squuaves are playing in Calgary tomorrow at the Marquee, for the Heat Ray CD Release show! Also featuring The Summerlad. This should be a guitar twisting circuit bending good time.

We are actually playing 3 times within one week: in Lethbridge on Wednesday, and then back in Calgary on the Friday for a show sponsored by Steam Whistle Beer. Most of The Squaaves enjoy beer so this works out great.

I will be practicing some new rock moves for these shows. These include "not grabbing the microphone because I don't know what to do with my hands", "Making eye contact with inanimate objects so it looks like I am connecting with the audience" and "hold my arms out like Jesus and stare at the ceiling à la Creed". Watch for it.