there once was a girl in love with love.
it never wanted her back.

"why don't you share with me what you were meant to share?"
she sniffed, biting on her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.
just like he had done that night they lay in bed together.
she felt the same pain as the last time. but increased tenfold,
intensified by the fact she was away from him.

love smiled warmly at her, reached out and wiped the tear
from her cheek with long fingernails that left cuts as they touched.
she didn't feel anything. her heart began to pour out of her face.
every emotion she had ever felt was now tangible.
they swirled around her head, in intricate patterns,
tangling with each other mid-air.

"what is worthless is easily found. what is gold often sound."
love and the contents of her heart were blown away from her
in a gust of wind, and in their place, leaving a trail of music notes
and hershey's kiss-shaped drops of rain dancing in the breeze.
she stuck out her tongue and allowed herself a sample;

it tasted like depression. it tasted like her narcotics.
it tasted like scissors in her skin. it tasted like unforgiveness.
it tasted like self-loathe and memories to be forgotten.

the sun fell out of the sky in that moment and smiled upon her angel's
face as she shut her eyes, just before it retreated for the night. her scars
became illuminated in the dark. they glowed gold.
in the distance, a widow hummed a song.
"and for love's sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave.
and soon both of us learned to trust, not run away, it was no time to play.
we build it up and build it up and build it up."

her voice sounded like grief. her eyes melted like hope.

that evening, the widow decided to give herself a second chance,
she knew she could live and love again. it would be worth the wait.
she was made to find love. born to be someone's life.

the girl could have gone on slicing up her face forever. it had only
been a few moments before her parents heard her sobs and stopped
her, however. they had had to pry the scissors from her fingers.
she had eight more pairs stashed in various places throughout the house.

she pictured herself in the arms of a perfect boy. he had no face.
now realizing what she had done, she wished she didn't either.
she had thought that maybe he wouldn't want her body if she wasn't pretty
anymore. that he would want her just for who she was. that she wouldn't
have to subject herself to performing sexual acts she never enjoyed
and that made her sore in the morning. he was sadistic.

but now, she realized, he would never want her at all.
and she wished that the scissors hadn't fit into her hands so perfectly the way his
lips had fit against her chest. she had thought that maybe there was something
inexplicable about that moment. she hadn't known that that something was
that it had to end.

now it was her turn, she decided. her angel's face lit up and snaked
her own arms around her body, pretending they were hit again.
slipping her hand into her pocket just as craftily as he had gotten her
into bed beside him and slipped in between her legs, and pulled out
a silver instrument that had come in handy so many times before.

"i will create myself into a beautiful broken masterpiece."
you could see the smile in her eyes although her lips remained a thin line.
saved for him, busted and bleeding, crossed with silvery moonlit scars.
"there is still hope for me. i know there is."
into her thigh went the instrument, sharp and stained by former glories.

with the amount of blood leaking from her thigh, she thought
she may have hit an artery. she hoped she had. it would make it easier.
twisting the knife around in her leg from where she had never removed it,
she took the tip of the blade to a fresh page in the notebook
she carried with her everywhere to record moments such as these,
and began to write as if it were a pen.

i know you never loved me, but i'd like to thank you for telling me the
things i had wanted to hear. it was more happiness than i had ever
experienced in my entire life. it was more than i ever deserved.
but i'm sorry that i wasn't was you wanted like you were what i.
she stopped writing for a moment for more 'ink' and to admire her
penmanship. impressive for someone moments from death.

i will give you my heart because it's rightfully yours. i'm also sorry
because it's broken; i cannot seem to make it beat quickly enough
when you are not around.

sometimes i wonder if we went too quickly. if maybe we had
worked up to making love, maybe it would have been just that.
for both of us. i'm sorry again that you never loved me.
what would have made you? did i do something wrong?
was there a reason you didn't call the next day, was there a reason
that you never looked at me?

i'm so sorry. here, just have my heart, i'm sure it will recognize you
once you hold it as tenderly as you held me. that was all the
truth in the world i had ever known. that it would be forever.
that i would love you, unconditionally, until the day i died.

stripping off her shirt daintily like she had done for him, she laid it out
carefully on the ground. still very light headed and with a trembling
hand, she plunged the knife into her own chest, just below
the mark he had left that night when he sucked on her skin. broken blood vessels
to foreshadow what was yet to come, she reasoned. then she shut off her
mind, knowing she had to save her last gasps of air for something
much more important than logic.

clawing her way around her own chest, she distinguished the aorta,
then clasped her hand over the beat, smooth and reassuring
against her palm. pulling out the organ, she lay it neatly on top
of her shirt, smearing the blood around like fingerpaint.

"i would want a name, such as miss universe, miss california, miss..."
her eyes flickered to the knife she had dropped as her body began
to stop working. "miss mangled." she decided, grinning sweetly,
and putting all of her remaining strength into sawing off the limb
below the knee of her so far unharmed leg. next came her left
hand, the one she didn't write with, of course.

and she lay down next to her shirt and her heart, arranging her hand
to be where the rest of her leg should have been and sticking her
leg in the gaping hole in the chest, to stop the bleeding, postpone
the process as she thought of something to say to him when they
were re-united in the afterlife that was sure to exist.

her ear, she perked to listen to the erratic thud of her solitary heart.
"'what is gold is often sound,'" she recited, smile beginning to falter as
her head fell and her eyes went blank. "thank you, love..." her lips stayed
parted, as if waiting for his to seize them violentlyfor the last time.

she was discovered by a young married couple taking a walk in
the field she had come to to be alone with her love. her body was
identified after two days.

a policeman showed up at his door the same day, stating that
his name had been stated in her suicide note and that her funeral was
to be held the following friday.

he never showed up. guess what he was doing instead?
another lie, another pretty face, another night he wouldn't spend alone.

the guy i've liked sense sixth grade went out with my bestfriend.
she fucked another guy he dumped her.
we hung out the other night and cuddled and such.
and it felt really good.
he emailed me this morning saying hes TAKING HER BACK.
dont expect me on in a really really long time.

okay so I'm having some problems with LJ, I hope somebody can help me.

the browser I use is Firefox and lj has always worked fine.
since 3days ago.
everytime I try to post a new entry, I only get the 'HTML' section :(
http://i37.tinypic.com/2553qwy.png
^ like this. (i't a screencap)

how can I solve it?

I'm desperate, please help and I will love you forever <3

lol my old posts.

how gay.

I moved to ambientskies.
I will not be using this anymore.
i defriended almost everyone (brie you wanted to keep this idk why! lol)
so just defriend this back if you feel so inclined, and
simply add me on



ambientskies

either accept what you can't change about me,

or change what you can accept.

because this is what i've grown into.

you can call me a 'whore' all you want but

i've got enough chemical left in me

to stabilize your acid.

and it doesn't matter anymore. because i've tried.

there was a rally at school at 2:30, but you don't have to go if you don't want to.
and jared drives so he took jordan, emmy, and i out in his truck.
basically we drove around fucking with people and then emmy and i watched them get high.
it was an amazing night all in all. they were like insanely hungry all night though.
we went to like five fast food places.
i didn't get caught...jared dropped me off at the football game in time for my mom to come pick me up.
now she feels bad for not trusting me and is throwing presents at me that she was supposed to save for christmas.
(: i kissed jared. emmy kissed jordan. peter covered for me. the night was great.
and we're all set for next time.

So, I was gonna update earlier this week- but it has been a crazy/busy week. This past week of school was HOMECOMING! So we had a bunch of dress up days:

Monday- Wake Up Late Day (Wear PJs)
Tuesday- Old School Day (Dress up in something from a different time: such as 70's, 80's.)
Wednesday- Holiday Day (Dress up like a holiday/ wear holiday shirts, sweaters,etc.)
Thursday- Color War Day (Each grade is assigned a school color. Sophmores were Blue)
Friday- All out Buc Day (Wear school colors, etc.)

I dressed up everyday, and it was a LOT of fun!! Our school also does school floats where each grade makes a float. It's neat to see what all the grades come up with. The theme for this years' homecoming was Olypmics. So, we had a wooden horse (stuffed with white paper, it feet and other parts were white paper that they spray painted) pulling Bucky (the buccaneer - our school mascot) in a chariot with school colors, and we had another chariot that was crashed and the wheels were broken that had a bumblebee (our oppoising team we were playing in football) in it. We had the ground painted like grass, and also painted a stone road. We also painted the wood behind it to look like rows in the collsuim. The sides of the float were stuffed with orange paper, and one side said sophmore, and i forget what the other side said. Then on the back side of the painted collusim- it was stuffed with blue paper, and said something as well. And our float WON!!!
We won last year two- so that's two years in a row!! =)
Ariel and I worked on the float on both Tuesday and Thursday. It was a lot of fun and it turned out really well.

So Friday- we have the float parade, along with banners that clubs make. Then we all go up to the football field, have powerpuff games, tug-of-war, the band plays, we do cheers, and stuff like that. It was really fun!! Execept I got a little burnt on my face.

Then Delaney and I went to the football game together. We hung out together, along with Ali, Chrisitna, Scarlett, Austin, Katerhine, Sterling, and Alex. Ariel and Charlton ended up not coming. =( But it was still VERY fun! And our football team kicked b-u-t-t!! The score was 35-6. So we smoked 'em.

Today, I am working a booth at Country Day at the elemertry school next to my high school. I'm working from 12:30- 2:30.I'm doing it for DECA. So hopefully, it will go smoothely and it will be fun.

So I've now on episode 12 of LOST. And I really wanna see it because Ariel said it is a Charlie episode!! Although, she said I probably won;t like it and she mentioed that Claire is in it. So I'm nervous about that. Also, I've been leaning towards Kate/Sawyer in the last couple of episodes. =D

On Monday I'm getting an electrionic baby for Family Consumer Science Class for two nights. And I need some boys and girls names. List some for me please?

I'll probably try to update tomorrow/later today.
And sorry for the giantic update!!

Not the greatest, because I'm no photoshop pro, but I had some cool photos from the RI concert that I wanted to use for something :)
The first 8 are from May-ish, so I don't like them as much, but please check them out and leave a comment if you'd like to.
Thanks

(mostly Josh, but a few of the others too)

Teasers:


( 17 icons under the cut )

i'm obviously bored out of my pants and have nothing better to do with the time i should be using to sleep.

( i'm awesome and create surveys for myself )

pulsing, through my veins.
i have real feelings for him.
my heart just jumped.

it hurts when i miss him.
i'm scared to get back into this.
i don't like this.

but i need him and the way he holds me

Poll #1271236
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

What series of book do you prefer ?

jared looks exactly like an older, buffer version of matt pennington when he flips his hair.

Cobra shirt
Brand: American apparel
Size: Medium
Condition: Never worn
Price: $30 (Including shipping) I will only ship to the Canada & The states (Sorry)( Photos of the shirt, Front & Back  )( Photos of the shirt, Front & Back  )