| Writer's Block: Poetry |
[07 Oct 2008|06:40pm] |
In the sense of rock lyrics to a tween, yes.
but to you and i, as we hazard our way through life's minefield, watching as thee
very fabric of society collapses... not so much
stop me, though please do stop me.... if you think that you've heard this one before...
you know, i wept in a shower the day i heard the smiths broke up
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[08 Oct 2008|02:46am] |
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| the dance |
[07 Oct 2008|05:34pm] |
it's a rare and beautiful thing to photograph a dancer's pregnancy. i got to today.
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| stuff and things and such.......... |
[07 Oct 2008|12:35pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Cake |
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My old rants are here sorry it starts out depressing..................leave your 2 cents or 52 cents or a dollar fifty.. thnx Randall
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| Sunday, July 02, 2006 ........... |
[07 Oct 2008|12:17pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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BLS............... |
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 | R.I.P ....Red Eye.....(Long ramble of shit sorry if you read it) .......Confusion,emptiness,anger,sadness all of these things flood my mind as I sit here tryin to piece together some sort of reaction to my Fathers death. I just don't know how the fuck to feel, I got the call this after noon from my Little brother and he was a wreck (but thats a story in it's self..)My old man and I haven't really spoken in quite awhile other than the paste on "hi dad" if we accidentally ended up at the same place and as for on good terms well in his mind I guess yes as for me I'd thought I washed my hands of him and felt nothing. Obviously I was wrong or I wouldn't be here writtng tryin to understand this fuckin emotional roller coaster in my head..I can't fuckin remember a time when he wasn't a useless fuckin drunk hurtin everyone around him and I hate him for that most of all I hate him for the tears he doesn't desirve and the personal hell and pain my brother is dealing with now. The fuckin weakness of addiction sickens me and the stupidity these spineless addicts use to blindly justify,rationalize,ignore and promote to themselves and others .... the shit they do baffles me. The last time I saw him was quite brief we spoke few words he was happy to see me I painted on a fools smile but just wished he'd go away.The time before was a year before and was in his home which I didn't want to be at but was convinced by my brother to do soo and for his sake I caved, the visit started ok but of course he was drunk and later ran into an old friend and left for a bar my brother and i went to bed;I slept on the extra couch in the back. Woken by the sounds of drunken laughter I find two old fools returning from a bar (which they were kicked out of) they continued to drink in the house and rant loudly, my brother came out of his room to tell them to be quiet and inform them he had to work early. Of course an argument in-sued and I not wanting my brother to snap and kill them both tried to calm the situation..long story short I got involved in the argument as did the fool my father had been drinkin with and I lost my cool and started bitch slapping this man in the face a few times tellin him to mind his own business.. I then turned to tell my father to shut up and let my brother sleep. Suddenly the other old fool tried to swing at the back of my brothers head at which time I proceeded to knock him the fuck out and spit on him I woke the next morning got dressed looked at my father as I walked out of his home..and that was the last time I spent time with him.. Soo how is it I feel soo shitty? How is it this sad excuse of a man can die and I feel guilty? Why do I feel numb and sad and how is that even possible? And it's not like im not haunted by him everyday even before he died, fuck! my name, my face, my fuckin mannerisms all his! I sit rolling things in my head over and over question after question no answers just more questions..I feel fucking cheated on soo many levels..why can't I sit on a porch and talk with my dad or go hunting or fishing, why can't I watch a ball game with my brother and my dad and laugh, why can't the future give me a life with my brother one day having kids and maybe even me with some of my own them callin you grandpa and me getting to see them spoiled and smile and feel like the most important kids ever like I felt growin up with my grandparents your mom and dad? ..Red Eye,Randy,Dad was it worth it? You went out weak like a fuckin coward fragile,sick and for what ??? booze? You shit on everyone, stole ,from your own fuckin son's, basically killed your own brother, would Grandma and Grandpa be proud? and do you even fuckin care the hell you put us all through? Beer you fuckin pussy, beer.. once strong once a man once a bad mother fucker and you did all of this for beer. fuckin pathetic.This rant these words all lost on you this fucking day, I knew it was coming and assumed I would feel nothing and for the most part I do, you mean nothing to me. Yet I find my self emotional over the death of a man that means less than shit to me. Thank you though for making sure I'll never be a fucking gutless addict, and fuck anyone claiming addiction of any sort to be a sickness, fuck you they choose this life and are too fuckin weak to change..I could probably write here forever but im not making sense and just rambling on ..fuck you! Fuck you cause I have to see your face in the mirror every morning, fuck you cause you won't see me married, fuck you cause of Darrell's pain! fuck you for the sound of my name in my ears..Fuck you for being weak and taking away future possibilities..fuck you for these tears! fuck you for makin me strong through hate..Fuck you for hurting my family..Fuck you for my anger..Fuck you cause I still love you for no reason other than yer my fuckin dad.. I DIDN'T FUCKING WANT THIS >>WE DIDN'T FUCKING DESERVE THIS..it shoulda been different..R.I.P....
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| Friday, November 03, 2006 ............. |
[07 Oct 2008|12:09pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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Killswitch Engage |
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have no fuckin idea....................retarded fuckin ramble I'm rattled lately and I dunno why, uninspired, pissed off, the desire to self destruct ??I dunno... My life is good, more broke than I wanna be but hell arent we all? I really am happy prolly the most at piece I've ever been. yeah its the most boring my life has ever been but ya don't get both right? and maybe thats the problem or the cause of my restlessness, imagine if you will a fist closed tight knuckles white freshly put through a wall a door or repeatedly into a face, now that same fist bruised, scraped lightly bleeding still closed tight knuckles even more white.. THATS WHAT I NEED, To FEEL THAT WAY!.. I know this makes no sense to anyone hell maybe not even to me..I just feel sluggish, tired , too routine too mundane I desire sum chaos a reason to feel a passion for life ...those of you that may read this(if anyone) prolly know me and as I see myself I am passion I live for that fire that drives me excitement danger sumthin anything but the same fuckin thing..I need to create to destroy to be wild soo that the time i do have that is down and mello ( which is all of it as late) doesn't consume me and I lose myself in it..I dunno my life hasn't been privileged hell i've had to bust heads for everything I've gotten .most my life mainly the early years I was kicked around everyday which is prolly why I take no shit now unfortunately I wasn't always soo confident and cared what everyone thought of all aspects of me..well fuck them fuck that and fuck you cause thats done..But now I have nuthin to prove nuthin to fight for life is just fuckin life and I'm fuckin bored to death..I'm goin crazy in my own skin even my drawing or sculpting isn't really helping me relax like it used to hell lately the only thing that mello's me is loud loud fuckin waaaay loud Metal music it's the only piece of mind im getting lately.blah blah blah fuck this is even starting to piss me off now..I need to find my fire get my passion back i need a reason and a will to fight to have sumthing that i want soo much it hurts i need a chip on my shoulder and sum poor fuck to try to knock it off..like he said in fight club I just want to destroy sumthin beautiful.. i think my insanity is consuming its self for survival and if I get sane I mean happy Johnny 9 to 5 pointless existence routine It'll be the death of me I will in all actuality no longer "BE".. left just a sad former drone shell of me and well thats worse than death...Fuck society and the fuckin shit it sucks us into and creates out of us NOTHING!Fuck me gettin soft, ok fuck this you get no real plot here no ending no middle nothing just my random pissed of nothing just this dull numbing doldrums that I am now floating or falling in...............
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| Retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion |
[07 Oct 2008|03:10pm] |
Retirement accounts have lost $2 trillion By JULIE HIRSCHFELD DAVIS, Associated Press Writer
WASHINGTON - Americans' retirement plans have lost as much as $2 trillion in the past 15 months, Congress' top budget analyst estimated Tuesday.
The upheaval that has engulfed the financial industry and sent the stock market plummeting is devastating workers' savings, forcing people to hold off on major purchases and consider delaying their retirement, said Peter Orszag, the head of the Congressional Budget Office.
As Congress investigates the causes and effects of the financial meltdown, the House Education and Labor Committee was hearing from retirement savings and budget analysts on how the housing, credit and other financial troubles have battered pensions and other retirement funds, which are among the most common forms of savings in the United States.
"Unlike Wall Street executives, America's families don't have a golden parachute to fall back on," said Rep. George Miller, D-Calif., the panel chairman. "It's clear that their retirement security may be one of the greatest casualties of this financial crisis."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081007/ap_on_bi_ge/meltdown_retirement
"Fuck!"-- grail76
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| Sunday, July 08, 2007 ....................... |
[07 Oct 2008|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Lamb of God..... |
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needed a laugh and a soap box. LUV IT! A funny little message i got and replied to , from sum kid i don't know over a comment i left on a book site about the Book " Head" ex guitarist for Korn wrote..my received message is as follows...........and that is followed by my reply..yadda yadda yadda..I'll keep adding to this post as he replies..wooohooo fun times once again..
From: Half BakeD Date: Jul 7, 2007 10:13 AM
keep your fucking comments about god to your fuckin selve u fuckin looser go on the corener and sell sum yay or tweak cuz satan has already put u in tht spot dont disss ppl cuz they belive in god who r u to say religion is not real were u there when jesus was alive its a proven fact u iggnorant bitch get a life
------------now my reply-------------------------------------------------------
hahahaha, wow look at this half a fuckin retard calling me ignorant. First off.. learn to spell you pathetic poster child for stereo types. Secondly I will "diss" anyone i believe to be brain washed and under educated such as yourself...I never said religion is not real it is real. what i said was that religion is not fact, how about looking into actual history? science? carbon dating evolution..all facts that disprove many "religious" beliefs ..soo fuckin what there was a guy named Jesus waaay back when, I don't argue that ya fuck..it was a common name asshole: plenty of people named Jesus running around then. I don't do drugs and I don't believe in Satan either(but wouldn't it be great if i did do drugs and worship the devil? you'd look even more stupid than you do now for being far less educated and just a plan douche bag), im older than 12 and not stupid .. I hate to burst your bubble but Santa clause isn't real and neither is the easter bunny. I mean really.. the bible is a great book with great "stories" but thats what they are stories. The book also has many things we as people should live by to help each other and such but any fool that takes it word for word as fact is just fuckin stupid..Seriously come on a dude a boat, massive floods and two of every animal hahaha Adam and Eve Please it's been proven incorrect a thousand times that stories alone are retarded, not to mention the fact that you or any other person on the planet honestly has no idea what was in the original bibles books seeings how it has been written ,re-written, had books pulled from it by these "religious" groups, had each region,religion,culture and belief system add chapters and things never in the original writings to fit what they liked and needed to shove their own personalized brand of crap down peoples throats. Hey if thats what people need to get by in life ?is to be lied to and believe in a bunch of fairy tale bullshit more power to them but they should keep that mindless shit to themselves for i have no time or patience for the weak minded and the fuckin pathetic sheep that believe such crap. Especially when those same god loving "religious" types all say they are right and all other religions are wrong and that the Greeks and Romans were idiots when they had more literature on their gods then than people do today. It's hypocritical made up shit, right, wrong , heaven ,hell, Coke, Pepsi , Jesus,Budda, Wang Chung, The Fonz, The great Pumpkin, what the fuck ever..get over yer self it all spells the same thing.... A LOAD OF HORSE SHIT! We live , we die and shit happens in between. that mess in the middle there is up to us and no floating head , man behind the curtain or winged assholes give a shit. Soo be as cool as you can while you can don't be a prick and live till ya die.. All else is just bullshit posturing. but hey thnx for the laugh ya sad little fuck..In the words of a memorable lyricist " God is dead and no one cares, If there is a Hell I'll see you there." Have a great day.. Your friendly neighborhood Randall.
...his reply.............................
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Half BakeD Date: Jul 8, 2007 11:50 AM
1st of all science and history never said jesus wasnt real there is actually proof that he was there.. they actually confirmed he was tehre go look it up.. o yea that shit is fake carbon dating go to www.drdino.com
--------------------my weak reply--i was tired, gimmie a break---
wow looks like you not only can't spell but you can't read as well... I NEVER SAID THERE WAS NO JESUS FUCKTARD!... ah yeah carbon dating is fake, science is evil and i should only faith heal myself ....haha soo I should go too a conspiracy website..you poor little man...haha
..................yet another reply from him.......................
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Half BakeD Date: Jul 8, 2007 12:29 PM
ir only shows how iggnorant you are and how quick your easy to belive in government not everything the school teaches u is true..lol wow go to the articles and downloads and watch the movie they have way more proff then dat bs carbon dating and what ever you say abotu science.. u shuld keep an open mind u idiot.. instead of taking everyword of what science is.. its just there explanation of the world started cuz they cant bbelieve dat theres a higher super natural force.. there just in denial like u
------------------------even more fun reply from me--------------
Once again you open your mouth and nothing but pure stupid pours out.. If you are going to take the time to call some one ignorant and try to come off as a half way intelligent human you should learn how to spell the words you are vomiting out of that cock holster you call a mouth..I never said I believe all that science says or that the government always told the truth that would be just as dumb as believing everything a church tells you. here's a quote from you.. (" go to the articles and downloads and watch the movie they have waaay more proff then dat bs carbon dating and what ever you say abotu science.. u shuld keep an open mind u idiot.. instead of taking everyword of what science is.. its just there explanation of the world started cuz they cant bbelieve dat theres a higher super natural force.. there just in denial like u") it's funny you should say that, soo what downloads? what articles? OH WAIT THIS IS THE INTERNET YOU FUCKIN TARD! I can find downloads and articles sayin that Elvis is alive and that god is really a piece of really tasty French toast, But im the one that should stop taking every word someone gives me?? Please kid you need a serious dose of reality cause the clouded world you live in is fuckin sad and sorely incorrect. This is what you bring me as an argument?? It's just an explanation the world came up with cause they can't believe ?? hahah or maybe god is just an explanation churches came up with to control weak people that can't get by without something controlling them, or maybe ninja dressed like priests want us to think these things so they can build an army of silent deadly ninja midgets to steal our sock?fuckin idiot.. who fucking knows?oh yeah no one..... Please man go read some more learn to spell and then come back with a coherent, intelligent statement with some meat to it, cause the shit your giving me just proves how stupid people like you that believe such shit really are . Hell if i was a religious person I'd be pissed off that your are making what i believe sound even more moronic than it is and I find that hard to do.. Soo im counting on ya, you get in there and come back strong ya sad little tard.. That one Randall guy.......... ...............reply from smart guy...last one? lets hope not.........
Jul 8, 2007 9:28 PM RE: RE: RE: RE: ey u fucking bitch LOL AH HAHAH LOLLOL AHAHA LOL AHAH LOL AHAH LOL HAHAHA LOL AHAHAH LOL HAAHAHA LOL AHAHA WELLL I FEEL SAD FOR U U REALLY DO NEED GOD IN YOUR LIFE TO BAD ULL BE IN DISBISLEIF ONE DAY GOD WILL COME TO YOU BUT IF THAT DOESNT HAPPEN HAVE A HAPPY TIME IN HELL
----------- my sad sad reply at the thought of losing my new friend------
JUL,8th, 2007, 11:18 pm
I have to say im slightly bummed this is all you came back to me with,I said I'd wait you didn't have to rush. The second grade laugh when you can't come up with anything worth saying didn't really work in the second grade what makes you think it works today?..oh yeah your still in the second grade..I need god in my life..hmmmm...maybe but if I'm going to hell then by your church standards all of my music , art, booze, and hot sluts will be in hell tooo..sounds like much more fun to me..happy times all around..If i believed in such things but too bad i don't..Maybe i should rethink this? haha...Well spanky I'd say it's been all fun but I'd be lying to ya, it was some fun but the harsh reality of how stupid your average human is always makes me kind sick..Soo thanx for the gut rot moron..Here's hoping you learn to spell and maybe step into reality one day..either that or get hit by a fuckin pope mobile.. may the bird of happiness fly out your ass.. Reverend Randall
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| Wednesday, March 12, 2008 ............ |
[07 Oct 2008|11:51am] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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Faith No More.....King for a day fool for a lifetime |
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Ramble ..A journey from nothing to nowhere ~~ This is random, meaningless and meaningfull. I’m quite sure it will grow from time to time when i feel the need to vent,rant,ramble or toss down the soap box.. Hell i don't even know what topic i will be vomiting onto this page. Sooo if at times you read my shit and think sumthings about you and get offended, You’ve read too far into things so get the fuck over yerself . If you get your feelings hurt easily or find your the type that would rather not hear blunt ,random often insane or disgusting truths don’t fuckin read this. Honestly , I could careless about your feelings or thoughts..this is for me.. I just left it public cause i dont hide things, So do what you will or do nothing at all because it could very well bore you to death and most likely make no sence..i warned ya.. maybe for no reason or maybe for the best reasons of all~ Randall ..I’m simply sitting here in the dead silence of a dark room pondering things waxing philosophocal in my head about life,adventure,experiences,internal forces that drive men to paths, roads,what and why, who, how and that it all means absolutely nothing but that the passion,fire, and that just craving somthing is everything. I think that sumtimes we all lose that from time to time and get wrapped up in a mundane routine and forget to actually live in fear of what others may think of our decisions and of how sumtimes those desires arent the norm but the norm is based on fear and security..Why do I care what you think? why do you care what "they" think? Who the fuck are "they" and why do "they" make all of the decisions? Also do "they" really think guys should wear pink shirts or is it a bad joke gone wrong?What did "they" do with mexi nuggets and why? Calm but random ..odd mood to be in it’s like feeling zen but in the eye of the storm..which makes no sense but hey ,this is just a ramble so it doesn’t have to..Desire desire desire ...the intense feelin from good music that scrapes at your soul,.the spark from a creative drive as it blooms and takes shape, the birth of a nervous touch from a beautiful woman and being weak in the knees from it...the freedom of not knowing what lies ahead, where you are goin and that you have no need to worry about it.Adventure of a fresh new experience and the feeling of enlightenment from growin from it....Need to Feed my frankenstien but damn if it’s not like jumpin hurdles to be at piece..not don’t get me wrong my day to day life is great and im very happy and loved but thats not what this is about...I get scared to lose who I am to this feelin of nothing to have my own personal ground hogs day..It used to be the fear of becomming him..Redeye but thats a tale i havent the energy to dive into and luckily for the most part that fear has passed now it’s losing myself that makes me wanna shit my pants..Age maybe?routine? loss of freedom? Lack of sanity?birth of responsibility?loss of personal hiding place most likely with the combination of all those others and more...I miss my art room and lounge rooms. it was nice to feel the need to create and be able to drown myself in the process at the very time i need it...Fuckin money and the lack of it i bring in I fuckin suck.... Need to get on that new project i think i could actually make money with this art idea but again no space of my own..I soo need to get back in shape i hate feelin like a turd...need to get in shape and get my ink finished ah to have the cash for 50 hours of ink work ...one day..time to quit waitin ..........Do DO DO DO DO DO DOD ODODODOOODODODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDO! (break time..sleep time, dream time..i hate time......) G-night.....
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| Monday, April 14, 2008....................... |
[07 Oct 2008|11:47am] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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Pink Floyd |
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rotcod ssues..twisted around like ... White knuckles pop, the clinched jaw drags out to grinding teeth. Cold stare into somthing other than that empty hole praying anything looks back, longing for that old friend as I gaze at the many scars ...thoughts, images ,words, hatred whispered to myself for no reason other than memory of blissful pain when those same white knuckles once bleeding felt alive. Inside deep clawin his way to the surface, I know he has to be pushed back locked away but the possiblities it births by being so close makes my head spin.Tongue now wet and dripping with violence, a deep breath fills my lungs and I feel the desire in my very core. He'll always be alive buried deep locked away and I know it's for the best, For the pleasure it brings will never be worth the chaos it creates.Think, dream, even to play it out in my ever broken skull brings a grin soo pure and soo dark you could never grasp. To feel the impact blunt to my flesh,skin bruised pressed to the bone. I wallow in that almost tasting blood on my lips,for the few seconds it lasts are an eternity of pleasure. The release that comes after is soo much more than pleasure. Feral,primal,other worldly as he breaks free striking back seeing the fire and life fade from those once strong, confident eyes of my prey...... ......AGAIN,AGAIN,AGAIN! ...Warm wet life drippin crimson from my now torn hands....head still spinning...body moving,reacting,no thought,no insight just instinct like a machine but sooo pure, it feel soo fucking good.......... the hurt. Passion created by such gorgeous,ugly actions force me to return and recycle the pain but now its got a life of it's own driving me pushin me controling me, becoming me..AGAIN ,AGAIN,AGAIN! Time stopped...how long?...AGAIN! I am pulled back.Tasting,smelling,bleeding that hate, breathing deeply the coarse air now surrounding ..Fog lifting from my eyes I wipe the blood from my face partly wishin it was mine. my heart stomping at my chest.....Feelin him slowly slip away back down to that place..The world becomes bland and I see what I have done. A murder of sorts,not death of flesh but of soul and spirit ....who's? ..... Skin ripped,bruised,bones broken so I could feel once again... Deserved or not provoked maybe, but if you crave it does it count? questions swirl ...........Kill the man become the monster?....why do I need this, crave this,love this?...Where the fuck am I?......Can I be a man without that monster,or just hollow?.......the head slowly stops spinning. The outside seeps in and I see their panic,fear, disgust, fake praise..it all makes me wanna puke...I could give a fuck.. Spitting blood at their feet I walk away ...it's for me not them...I seek no approval.......The fire smolders .My body starts to ache as he's locked away again.. The slight pleasure of the hurt I feel and caused fades....He starts clawing ..........................climbing........longing..................AGAIN!
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| Thursday, July 17, 2008...... |
[07 Oct 2008|11:44am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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music |
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Frank Zappa |
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words for right now ...that still wont mean anything later The thoughts flood me like soo much water ripping away my breath, I reachout longingly to the images in my head knowing the arent real but memories,fantasies a life once imagined slightly lived. Gripping onto what could be my soul like a hang nail...It's like watching somthing so beautiful it hurts, yet im soo fucking numb. When did it become like this? Was who I could have been destroyed by what I have become? That same water now stings my eyes letting those thoughts seep behind them creeping further into my mind . Now taking the familiar shape of blissful pain......rebirthing those moments tasting,feeling,aching with those strange old friends once again...Time becomes an after thought as that water holds me like a new born in the womb..Pure yet a lie the sence of saftey evelops me.. that day?.........those lips?.....breath like cotton candy?....Water now softly rocking me Laughter?.......Tribe?.....Road trip to no where?....Waves rising and falling.....Those images and memories pull me into that instance ...Strangleing me with my own life and joy...This lack of air is crushin my lungs but I have to hang on....Bon fire?......sand under our feet?.....Eyes like the northern lights?...I feel the water thrashing my lifeless body impaling me onto the jagged rocks below...Booze on my breath?...I dare not cry out...Youth?....Love?.....Adventure?...........Real?..who's?........Mine?..............His????...The images shake and blur sending the tides back, my mind aches for the warmth of that suffocating embrace....Again I reachout longingly, desperately for those memories as the air tears my lungs making me breath....Life comes back but why? The water slips through my fingers.........
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| Catch up........... |
[07 Oct 2008|11:39am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Soundgarden, Lover than love |
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I am tryin to get back into this blog thing which i never give enough attention soo I will be posting things I have written to catch myself or anyone interested up on me or my many states of mind or maybe to help those disturbed by me to understand me better. That or be more disturbed i guess.i dunno...fuck it sooo on with the chlorophyll..................................................................
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[07 Oct 2008|11:39am] |
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| Overheard |
[07 Oct 2008|01:43pm] |
Ever [Oct. 7th, 2008|12:00 pm] overheardnyc
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/016456.html
Graduate student #1: Should I remove the dead girl from my Facebook friends? It's kind of sad when she comes up. Graduate student #2: No. Graduate student #1: Why not? Graduate student #2: Wouldn't it be even sadder if she was dead and had no Facebook friends?
--114th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Daniel( Read more... )
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| beware the fortune cookie of doom |
[07 Oct 2008|12:41pm] |
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music |
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mighty mighty bosstones - The Impression That I Get |
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got the worst fortune cookie fortune ever
"you are going to pass a difficult test" (in bed)
and all i can think of is
I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested. I'd like to think that if I was I would pass. Look at the tested, and think there but for the grace go I. Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out.
so i'm thinking i should knock on wood cause i'm sure it isn't good
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[07 Oct 2008|07:01pm] |
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