| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
My parents came over for dinner yesterday. For a while, things were going quite lovely, but the conversation somehow started deteriorating, more and more, and then finally ending in me crying, yelling, blubbering and cursing over my salmon. I'm sure the neighbors at the nearby table were delighted.
We were musing about me going into a culinary arts field after college. Mind you, I have not made up my mind to do this, I don't even know whether I have the talent or patience, among other things to do it. I'm only considering it, along with three (or four or five) other completely unrelated paths. Cooking has just been a new discovery to me, and something I enjoy doing without exception. Making a job out of cooking however, (along with everything else) takes the pleasure that a state of hobby-ism endows. This, I am aware of, so I suggested to my parents that I get a job working in a kitchen as a cook (or wherever you start) for a few months to a year after college. If I would really want to pursue something, I'd have to know the gritty details, the uncomfortable side of things. The business from the bottom. I'd have to start low, and then if I like it, keep pursuing it. Seems logical enough??
But to this suggestion my mother responds "I don't like this. I don't like it when you talk about being a cook. I didn't spend all that money on your education for you to become a cook." She's referring here to my fancy college preparatory high school, which costed about 6x what it costs for me to go to New College. It wasn't my choice to go to Berkeley; I commuted 2 hours a day, spent 80 hours a week commuting/being in school/studying/extra-curriculars (yes I counted this was the actual number, yes two full time jobs) and got 4-5 hours of sleep on a regular basis. I had no childhood, no time for personal development, no time for parties or fun or normal adolescent shenanigans, hell no time for enough time sleep. The only two moods I had were "tired" or "stressed" and I hated every fucking minute of it. It was unreal; I don't even know how I got through it. I worked harder than my parents and swore to myself that a life like that was not worth living. I never want to work like a fucking slave again. Now that it's over, in retropsect, it wasn't even worth it. That kind of productivity needs to be saved for college, grad school, PhD's or work. Not, high school. Fuck, it was only fucking high school. I didn't get paid a cent for all that work, and it's not exactly a resume booster either. It's only fucking high school.
-----
Anyway, getting back to the conversation, it's completely unfair for her to hold how much money she spent on me in highschool, because it wasn't my choice. I did not ask for her to send me there. I would have been happier at public highschool. Not that I would have been blissful in a public highschool, but at least I would not have been miserable. I would probably have gotten into "namier" schools too.
Now I would not mind being a simple cook. But, I told them that the way I saw it was as a temporary way to gain first-hand experience. I could save a little bit of money as well in the process (though not much, I do realize) and if I liked it, I would go to culinary school, then travel. Either way, as a fresh out of college graduate with no work experience outside tutoring, I would be at the bottom of the rung hiring-wise regardless. I would have to go for these sorts of jobs.
Grad school is not out of the picture, but if culinary arts is the way to go, unless I'm going to a business-management type of grad program, work experience + cooking school would be the way to achieve it.
To this my mother got even angrier, downright blaming me about how much money she spent on my high school education, and threatening to stop paying for my last year of college. Then she started comparing me to a friend of mine who is attending Tufts, who is getting into $30,000 worth of debt every year, because her parents who are also well off, refuse to pay for her education. I don't know what she was getting at with that example. But maybe they're not aware that parents who are wealthy but refusing to finance their kids' education at least in part are screwing them over twice since the kids can't even file for FAFSA as independents. They either have to be over 25, or married. So they don't get money from their parents, and they can't even get grants from the government like kids coming from low-income families can. What is the threat? "We have money, but we don't have to give it to you." Okay, fine. Well use it for something more useful, like an 18th guitar then. Or pay your drug addict lead singer's child support so he doesn't go to jail. Fine, you have a point. It's your money, you earned it. You can piss on it and light it on fire if you so desire. I won't interject. But if you can afford all that is it necessary to hold it over my head for paying for my highschool??? No, no, go ahead, make me feel really bad about it, and indebted to you forever and ever. Parents who have the means to fund their kids education but don't just because, really, really piss me off. I don't think it's right if they can afford it. Not in the US where education is so expensive.
The ridiculous thing is that I never wanted them to finance college in the first place!!!!! We got into a huge fight before my second year about the money situation. At the time I had a job that paid for everything my scholarships didn't. I was still ocassionally accepting money from them as gifts, but I was completely self-reliant. To this they blew up. They called my apparent financial independence and refusal to accept further money from them as "a declaration of war." (This is a quote.) They told me to forget about my job and concentrate on my schoolwork. (Having a job outside school is also a very American thing. In Europe, your job as a younglin is to be a student, and that's it.) Then it was, "why do you have a job? You shouldn't have one!!" God, I was so rebelious, having a job and paying for myself. God I'm such a tough child to raise. Now it's "why have you been so expensive????" WHAT!!!!!????? Are you joking? Have you lost your faculties of logic??? Not to mention that I could have gone to Carnegie Mellon, but I picked New College because I knew it would be hard for them. I knew it would be too much to ask for them to pay $50,000+ a year. I could have, but I didn't. I wanted to make it easier on them. I couldn't pass up an opportunity to go to a good school for a miniscule fraction of the cost.
------
I insisted. I didn't see what was wrong with being a cook for a year after college. To which their response was "because it's a waste of time. You'll have minimum wage and then get stuck in the cycle and never go back to school."
And what is wrong with getting minimum wage, especially at my age for a temporary amount of time?
"Because only losers get minimum wage."
The real fear reveals itself. Their offspring is a loser. A poor investment.
------
To which more fighting ensued, including my mother elaborating on how great parents they were for not "choosing" a school for me and not "choosing" a career path for me. Apparently my grandfather gives my mother shit about not forcing me to become a doctor everytime they talk on the phone.
To this, I'm puzzled. Is this classic old world vs new world? Traditional respect-the-wishes, nay ABIDE-by-the-wishes-of-your-elders Romania vs. libertarian America? I didn't know how to respond, but I told them their views were antiquiated, and that no one really knows what is best for someone else. No one ever really knows, you just have to try and ride it out. Pursue the good and ride out the bad.
They also believe that "American parenting" is completely wrong. Apparently American parents have only raised selfish brats, and it is why the economy is sinking.
They wondered aloud whether they made a mistake in not forcing me to become a doctor, as I'm obviously only heading toward loserville.
------
------
When does it end???? I just want it to freaking end. I'm tired of feeling like a constant dissapointment, no matter what I do. Should I just not share anything with them? Should I cut them out completely from my life? When will they just respect my choices, whatever they are, even if they are mistakes. I'm not saying that I'm immune to mistakes, and every time I do something I want to do it is the right thing. That's not what I'm saying, I know I make mistakes. But I also know I'm allowed mistakes.
I can just see into the future, I'll be 23 and it will be "why don't you have your foot in a stable career already?" Then I'll be 25 and it will be "why aren't you married, you need to spend less time on your carreer and find a life mate?" Then I'll be 30 and it will be "why don't you have children? You know, children are the best thing in life. You're getting old, your eggs will only be good for another 5 years."
This, is bitter. It's ridiculous. It's so painful it's funny. Things are the way they are, because that's how they are. There's no better answer. Just let them be, stop trying to control me, and criticize me every chance you get, or any time you feel I do something different than what you prescribe.
How can I fix this? What is the solution? I was hoping I wouldn't have to cut them off. I love my parents, but this can't go on like this.
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
filmmaking
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
geeky
amused
vengeful
contemplative