squish (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} xx_squish_xx) wrote in ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} ff_workshop,@ 2007-04-11 16:45:00 |
|
Yes, we are still here. And today we have a submission for you to review!
Please try to be fair and honest, and remember that it's perfectly acceptable to review the fics anonymously. There are many things you can provide concrit on, including plot, flow, characterization, etc. Also, you might try to indicate what the author has done well in addition to things that could be improved.
Let's give this author some good feedback and also, please consider submitting a fic to us. It's helpful and only 1/4 as painful as going to the dentist! ;)
TitleUnder Fire
Pairing: None
Rating: PG
Word Count: 474
Warning: None
Summary: Jayne, Kaylee and Zoe are caught under heavy fire and there’s no way out.
Weren’t nothin’ gonna get them outta this. Sure enough, they could fight
hard as they wanted to but nothin’ in the ‘verse could save ‘em now. They
were under attack, endurin’ heavy fire with no sign of gettin’ out. Jayne
winced as another spray got launched right at ‘em. Kaylee was between him
and Zoe and Jayne could tell she was a mite nervous. Hell, who wouldn’t be?
Under this kind of pressure even the sweetest disposition’d likely crack
right in two. And Zoe, well she was used to it, but even she was backin’
down a bit. After years of takin’ it, Jayne figured it was only a matter of
when ‘fore she couldn’t take no more. “Course there weren’t nowhere to run.
Stuck out here in the midst o’ this situation, he was sure painin’ for
somewhere to run off to; but that weren’t gonna be happenin’ anytime soon.
Kaylee cowered down, gettin’ low as she possibly could. Jayne didn’t like
seein’ her have to rereat within herself so, and he jumped up to try and
show that fact. Got himself tore down right quick. Kaylee touched his arm
and gave him a soothin’ glance. He was alright though. Sure, it stung a
little, but he’d be ok. Zoe stood now, takin’ her chance to get a volley
away. She stood while return fire came right back at her, but eventually
even she had to get back down. It was safer down here in the relative cover
of stayin’ quiet and doin’ nothin’. And side from that, when Mal got this
riled up he was ruttin’ crazier than the moonbrain.
“Next time y’wanna put food colourin’ in the water system, make sure I ain’t
under the shower!” the captain bellowed.
Zoe tried another interjection.
“Sir, I wasn’t directly involved with this, so I can’t work out why you’ve
got me here…”
“You’re my second in command, Zoe! Thing like this happens aand you’re meant
to give me some warnin’!”
Zoe stifled a laugh.
“I’m sorry, Sir. It wasn’t directed at you and I wasn’t aware you were going
to be usin’ the facilities before they flushed the system out again.”
“Which we was plannin’ to do!” Kaylee offered.
“Yeah” Jayne agreed. “We was after the doc ‘cause o’ the medicine he gave us
all turnin’ our tongues purple!”
Mal shook his head.
“That makes it alright does it?”
“Never said that.”
Mal turned to storm off when Kaylee got his attention.
“Cap’n?” she said sweetly. “That colour looks awful nice on you.”
Mal’s shoulders sagged.
“See what I gotta put up with?” he told Zoe, gesturin’ to Kaylee.
“Well, that purple makes your skin glow, Sir.”
Mal lost it again.
“It glows purple, ‘cause it is purple!”
With that he stormed off leavin’ the trio to laugh about their prank gone
wrong.
Please try to be fair and honest, and remember that it's perfectly acceptable to review the fics anonymously. There are many things you can provide concrit on, including plot, flow, characterization, etc. Also, you might try to indicate what the author has done well in addition to things that could be improved.
Let's give this author some good feedback and also, please consider submitting a fic to us. It's helpful and only 1/4 as painful as going to the dentist! ;)
TitleUnder Fire
Pairing: None
Rating: PG
Word Count: 474
Warning: None
Summary: Jayne, Kaylee and Zoe are caught under heavy fire and there’s no way out.
Weren’t nothin’ gonna get them outta this. Sure enough, they could fight
hard as they wanted to but nothin’ in the ‘verse could save ‘em now. They
were under attack, endurin’ heavy fire with no sign of gettin’ out. Jayne
winced as another spray got launched right at ‘em. Kaylee was between him
and Zoe and Jayne could tell she was a mite nervous. Hell, who wouldn’t be?
Under this kind of pressure even the sweetest disposition’d likely crack
right in two. And Zoe, well she was used to it, but even she was backin’
down a bit. After years of takin’ it, Jayne figured it was only a matter of
when ‘fore she couldn’t take no more. “Course there weren’t nowhere to run.
Stuck out here in the midst o’ this situation, he was sure painin’ for
somewhere to run off to; but that weren’t gonna be happenin’ anytime soon.
Kaylee cowered down, gettin’ low as she possibly could. Jayne didn’t like
seein’ her have to rereat within herself so, and he jumped up to try and
show that fact. Got himself tore down right quick. Kaylee touched his arm
and gave him a soothin’ glance. He was alright though. Sure, it stung a
little, but he’d be ok. Zoe stood now, takin’ her chance to get a volley
away. She stood while return fire came right back at her, but eventually
even she had to get back down. It was safer down here in the relative cover
of stayin’ quiet and doin’ nothin’. And side from that, when Mal got this
riled up he was ruttin’ crazier than the moonbrain.
“Next time y’wanna put food colourin’ in the water system, make sure I ain’t
under the shower!” the captain bellowed.
Zoe tried another interjection.
“Sir, I wasn’t directly involved with this, so I can’t work out why you’ve
got me here…”
“You’re my second in command, Zoe! Thing like this happens aand you’re meant
to give me some warnin’!”
Zoe stifled a laugh.
“I’m sorry, Sir. It wasn’t directed at you and I wasn’t aware you were going
to be usin’ the facilities before they flushed the system out again.”
“Which we was plannin’ to do!” Kaylee offered.
“Yeah” Jayne agreed. “We was after the doc ‘cause o’ the medicine he gave us
all turnin’ our tongues purple!”
Mal shook his head.
“That makes it alright does it?”
“Never said that.”
Mal turned to storm off when Kaylee got his attention.
“Cap’n?” she said sweetly. “That colour looks awful nice on you.”
Mal’s shoulders sagged.
“See what I gotta put up with?” he told Zoe, gesturin’ to Kaylee.
“Well, that purple makes your skin glow, Sir.”
Mal lost it again.
“It glows purple, ‘cause it is purple!”
With that he stormed off leavin’ the trio to laugh about their prank gone
wrong.
