Femme-Femme

Hello!

2008-07-28T20:38:18Z

Hello! Long time male fem/fem fan here! Nice to meet you all.

Can anyone recommend any good shoujo-ai Rpgs?

Here's my yuri webcomic

http://www.drunkduck.com/Iornhart/index.php?p=277766

And some old yuri stories for yall.

http://www.fanfiction.net/~wolfkcing

Loose Ends - A new IF forum-based slash/femmslash RPG

2008-07-05T08:40:54Z

In the Department of Mysteries, deep in the dungeons beneath the Ministry of Magic there is room that is always locked. Or at least, it’s always supposed to be…

Pandora Twiddle hadn’t meant for it to happen. All she wanted was a decent mark on her final exam, and a research grant to work as an Unspeakable. She hadn’t meant to leave the door unlocked, but she’d been stressed, and yeah, okay, more than a little hungover.

Just two more days and she’d have handed in her thesis and shut down the project. She’d thought her subject was fascinating – there weren’t many magical theorists working on eromancy, and scant little research on Queer theory in the field. Most of the best-respected researchers were still caught up in parental and filial love, which was where all the funding was.

Her work would have changed that. She’d used cutting edge particle magic theory to study trace remnants of old magic. She’d proven even to her hard-headed supervisor that the love magic the founders had used to place some of the oldest protective spells on Hogwarts School was – well – pretty damn gay.

One minute’s carelessness in the pursuit of jam doughnuts later, and everything was ruined. The protective field where she’d set up her model of the Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw Bonding Charm stood before her, empty and mocking.

With a shifty look around to make sure she was still alone, Pandora waved her wand and the field disappeared. She’d say she finished early and ended the spell. And nobody need ever, ever know what she’d just done.

Miles away a fluttering line of thin silver light flew rapidly northwards through a clear blue sky. It slowed as it drew close to an old castle, perched above a Scottish lake. It settled over the highest tower, making the turret glow briefly. Then it spread out again, and faded away in a wide circle, leaving an odd ripple in it’s wake, like the slight distortions of curved glass. The charm was reflected all over Great Britain within the next few days, the caster apparently going a little trigger happy, fixing itself into the home's of witches and wizards everywhere.

Nobody saw it happen, but they’d start to feel its effects soon enough.

[RULES] [CANONS] [TEMPLATE]

femmexfemme @ 2008-05-16T02:24:00

2008-05-16T06:43:51Z

Title: “A shot AT Tequila” or “Tequila Sunset” (pick your favourite)
Author: DaSolution
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: I paid a surprise visit to Tila Tequila.
Disclaimer: Don’t own these fools.

That was the best time I could have done this. I wanted to do this for a long time but due to my busy schedule I could never get around to it. It's time for me to pay a visit to Tila Tequila. For those who don't know who Tila is she's a model that had her own reality dating show. It wasn’t that much different from the rest of those mutha' fuckin' reality TV shows that are congesting the airwaves and cable boxes. Ever since "Survivor" aired, prime-time TV has been saturated with these pseudo-reality TV shows. It's much worse than the variety TV shows that used to clog up the airwaves during the 60s and 70s.

She was with Bobby for only a few days before they broke up. People thought that she was gonna pick Dani but I knew better. If a bisexual have to choose between two genders as a partner, 99.9% of the time it will pick the opposite gender. That's just the way it is, their allegiance is to the heterosexuals. The other thing I wasn't surprised about is that their relationship didn't last long. That didn't surprise me since I knew that bisexuals are flaky in nature. It's in their genes; they're just mentally fucked up. When I arrived at the place, I knew it was time for me to straighten out the situation.

As well, I was able to break into her house with ease and while I was in her house I heard some noise. It sounded like it was coming from the entertainment room. So I quietly sneaked into the room and I saw two people watching TV. I was guessing that one of them is Tila, though I couldn't tell very well from behind, but who was the other person? I wasn't able to figure that out for a while until I heard Tila said "Dani can you hold me a little tighter?"

What the fuck?! Dani Campbell? She’s with that ugly, gender-confused, man-wannabe, bulldyke?

I though that Tila chose Bobby over shim (yeah, not him or her, but shim), well there goes my 99.9% theory... However that was a good thing, actually it was great thing! I got two for the price of one! I can take care of both of those people, which includes that sexually-confused Tila and her poor-excuse-for-a-man lover Dani, there was nothing but a big smile on my face.

I also began to notice what they were watching, Brokeback Mountain of all things...
Tila said this to Dani "I wish this movie had a happier ending, it's clear that Jack and Ennis were meant for each other." Yeah right!

Dani responded back to Tila "Well you know Hollywood, they always find some way to kill the gay characters."

Then I interrupted the conversation "Well Hollywood couldn’t write a script good enough to match the way I'm gonna kill you two dumb dykes."

When they heard my voice, they quickly turned around and saw me standing about two metres away from them. They were taken by surprise that I was in the room all that time. Luckily I brought some stuff with me in a bag. One of the items in the bag was a tequila bottle, so I took it out of the bag and held it in my hand.

"Oh shit! It's him!" Tila said while trembling.

Dani was trying to act brave at this moment but I knew better. I could see it in its eyes that it was scared.
"Yes it's him, the bastard who killed many gays, lesbians, trans-genders, hermaphrodites and of course bisexuals."

"Not only do I kill those people but I also kill Right-Wing Zealots, White Supremacists, Neo-Conservatives, Log Cabin Republicans, Zionists, corporate elites that don't pay me, and anyone who happens to be French." I said.

I told Tila this in Vietnamese "Well it's time for me to straighten both of you out."

Tila just looked at me dumbfounded and said "Huh?"

"Oh I forgot you're a no-culture, white-wannabe, Americanised, banana bi-bitch! I'm not gonna waste my time translating it to you, you Twinkie!"

"Might as well, probably what you had just said wasn't important anyways. Did the Christian Post send you here?"

"Hell no bitch! I don't deal with those holy-rolling, fanatical, Jesus-cult freaks. I hate those losers as much as you do. I don't even believe in that Jesus Christ or God bullshit. And I don't understand why you still consider yourself a Christian, even though it's clear that most Christians don't want your bony bisexual ass."

"Dude, how the fuck do you know that? There are many queer Christians all over the world. Jesus Christ never said anything about condemning homosexuality or bisexuality."

"No but I'm sure Christianity does go against homosexuality and bisexuality. Let me pull a few sentences from the book of contradictions, lies, and deceit, better known as the Bible." So I started looking though that fictional book and found the sentence that I was looking for.

"In Romans 1:14-26-27: For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."

"But that doesn't clearly say anything against lesbianism or bisexuality for women.”

"Ah, I knew you was gonna say that."

So I went to another verse in the New Testament, I purposely chose the New Testament so that I can avoid that "well the Old Testament isn't valid anymore" excuse. Well that's bullshit and that's another reason why I denounced my Christianity.

"I Corinthians 11:8-9: For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man."

I can see anger coming out of Tila's and Dani's eyes, but I didn't give a shit.

"As you can see, if you put two and two together, that joke of a book makes it clear that neither homosexuality nor bisexuality of either gender is acceptable in Christianity. But hey, I'm not a Christian one bit, the Horoscopes does a better job of telling the truth in my opinion."

"Well that doesn't make you any better than them. You're gay bashing is no different from theirs."

"No that's where you're wrong you Beef and Broccoli Bi-Bitch! When it comes to bashing those people my gay bashing is different from theirs. Let me show you an example."

So I grabbed Tila and bashed her head against the wall, then I grabbed the tequila bottle and bashed it on Tila's head. Needless to say she was knocked out. That left me now with The Missing Link named Dani.

"It's time for me to straighten out yo' butch ass."

"I'm not butch or feminine."

"No you're just plain confused, tuna-breath. I've met, humiliated, tortured and killed bigger and badder butches. So I heard that you're a paramedic, saving other people's lives, is that true?"

"Yeah"

"Well ain't that sumthin' cuz no one's gonna save yo' gay ass."

"Are you really gonna hurt me? After all I'm a girl."

"Well I'm not so sure about that. However since you want to BE LIKE A MAN, you're gonna take a BEATING LIKE A MAN!"

So I quickly gave shim two right jabs and a left uppercut that put shim in a dazed. Then I gave shim a kick to the chest (not sure that it has breast) and it flew across the room. Dani was now lying on the floor, so I came over there and stomped on that man-dyke.

While I was stomping the shit out of shim I told shim this: "No matter how hard ya stupid butch lezbos try, y'all will never fit in our pants."

After the stomping I grabbed Dani by the neck with one hand and squeezed both cheeks with the other hand, making Dani's tongue stick out.

"You'll love what I'm gonna do to you next because you do this very often. You're gonna lick the carpet!"
Dani's eyes bulged when I said that.

"Why are you so surprised? It is part of your daily routine you gender-reject; besides, you need your daily fiber." I chuckled after saying that. So I put that carpet-muncher's face on the carpet and started to move shim all over the place. Dani had carpet burns on its tongue. Then it started to cry:

"Well maybe you are a girl after all, cuz you cry like a bitch!"

So I smacked Dani like the bitch it was and then I went in the bag and grabbed one of my favourite weapon, The Solution. It's a modified cricket bat that I got from my last trip to England. It has a titanium core so that when I use it on any of those people they WILL feel the effect.

"This is for eating too much pussy." CRACK!
"And this is for contributing to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for trying to be a man." CRACK, CRACK CRACK!

Now it was bloody and it was also in total pain, but I wasn't through with Dani yet.
I grabbed Dani by the throat and brought it to the kitchen. I went into the freezer and found a Rainbow Trout.

"Perfect! This will teach Dani a lesson."

So I grabbed the frozen Rainbow Trout and used it to smack Dani's face. Dani started to cry again.

"Why you cryin'? I though you like that fish smell all over yo' face! HAHAHAHA!"

It didn't stop crying so I told shim this "Look, I see that you're hurt and I apologise for that. Just to show you that I can be a gentleman I'll dry those tears off your face."

So I grabbed Dani by the neck and put Dani's face right on top of the stove.

"I also heard that you were a firefighter, so you should have no problem when I do this to you, you ambiguous freak."

Then I turned on the stove and Dani's face got burnt. Now that Dani's face was burnt, it was even uglier than before.

"What's wrong Dani? Can't take the heat? Well it's time for you to get out of the kitchen."

So I literally kicked Dani out of the kitchen and it hit the wall. Dani was lying on the floor. Then I went into my bag and grabbed my other favourite weapon, the Raging Bulldagger. Yes the Raging Bulldagger, a strong and sturdy bull dagger decorated with sapphires on one side of the handle and black triangle on the other side. It was made for those sexually-ambiguous, boy-wannabe butches, like Dani.

"The time has come for me to straighten you out Dani."

So I stabbed it a few times in the chest, and stomach. Didn't stab it in the neck because I was afraid with all that hairball in its throat it would damage the bull dagger. The bitch is dead.

Now it's time for me to gently wake Tila up, so I kicked her in the stomach and told her to "Wake yo' gay ass up bitch!" The blood on her face has dried up but there will be more of that to come.

"Please don't hurt me, please!" she said while she was gushing like Niagara Falls.

I couldn't stand to hear or see anymore of her pathetic crying so I smacked her once and told her "Shut da fuck up bitch! Yo' cryin' ain't gonna do shit for ya. You will end like your pussy pal Dani, after all my motto is 'If it's a bi, then it must die.'"

"What do you mean by 'end up like Dani?’"

"Take a look in the hallway yourself."

So she went to the hallway and saw Dani's body lying on a pool of blood. She started to scream and cry like crazy. That gave me some time to do a few things: I went into my bag and grabbed my iPod and the mini-stereo I bought for it. Plus I grabbed a sombrero hat. Then after setting up the iPod stuff I got Tila's attention by smacking her upside the head (the back of head).

"Well Tila I figured that I might as well have a party while kicking yo’ gay ass. So let's dance shall we?"

I turned on the iPod and the song that was playing was nothing else but Herb Alpert's "Tequila." I put on a sombrero and said in a ridiculous Mexican accent

"It's time for a fiesta! Ayayayayayah!"

So I grabbed Tila and threw her to the other end of the hallway. Then I grabbed her again and slammed her through a table. After that I was thinking of using The Solution on her but something else came in my mind. I remember having a Singapore Cane in the bag (courtesy of The Sandman,) so I pulled it out and used it on her. What Michael Fay got was just a slap on the wrist compared to what I gave her.

"This is for being a sell-out." CRACK!
"And this is for contributing to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for eating too many cats." CRACK!
“And this is also for eating too many bananas and cherries.” CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
"And this is for being a bisexual." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

The truth is I have nothing against Vietnamese people, just those that want to be white.

She was crying and begging me to stop so I bitch slapped her: "Shut da fuck up bitch! I know that you are very comfortable about you bisexuality, which is good because it makes me feel more comfortable killing you!"

Then I tied her to a chair with barbed wires so that she wouldn't get out. The barbed wires were cutting her skin but I didn't give a fuck. So I went in my bag and got a device called a magneto (or a dynamo). The magneto is a hand cranked device that generates an electrical charge. I had two electrical leads attached to the magneto.

"I'm gonna torture you like how your people tortured the Americans during the Vietnam War."

On a side note I don't have any problems with what the Vietnamese did to the Americans, that's what the Americans get for acting like a bully and starting a meaningless war with them. One part of the lead ends was attached to the magneto so I put the other ends of the lead on her nipples and then I started to crack the magneto. She was screaming in agony from all the electricity generated by the magneto. While she was screaming I was giggling with joy. I stopped after a while because I didn't want to kill her, yet. So while she was tied to the chair I got a small cage with a rat in it.

"I couldn't get my hands on a cat for you to munch on, so instead I got a rat. But then again if you enjoy eating cats, then eating a rat (or pussy) shouldn't be a problem."

So I aggravated the rat a little bit with a stick, then I put the rat in a small brown sack. After that I put the sack over her head with the rat in it. Inside the rat was scratching and biting Tila's face. Outside her head was moving wildly and the brown sack was starting to turn red.

"Hey come on Tila, I'm a little disappointed with you. Chuck Norris could have done a better job."

After a while she stopped moving, so I took the sack off her and her face was very bloody. I was surprised that she actually managed to bite the rat on its neck, killing it in the process. Wow I'm impressed! She must have seen "Missing in Action 2", or maybe she was hungry... But I wasn't done with her yet:

"You may have survived that incident, but there's no one here to save your lemon-coated, Wonder Bread, dyke ass. Not Jackie Chan, not Jet Li, not Ho Chi Min’s ghost, not Yao Min, and absolutely not Chuck Norris".

Me and Chuck have a mutual respect for each other, even though his dumb ass supported that idiot Mike Huckabee. So I got another object from the bag and dragged her by her hair to the kitchen while she was still tied to the chair with the barbed wires.

"So you're from Texas, right?"

"Yeah, so why the fuck does that concern you?"

"Because you should be familiar with what I'm gonna do to you next."

She saw a branding iron in my left hand and she started to panic: "No, don't do it please! Please I beg you!"

So I punched her in the mouth and told her to “Shut da fuck up!” Then I heated the branding iron on the stove til it had an orange glow to it. After that I branded the words "Banana Bi-Bitch" on her forehead.

"There's another difference between me and the Christian Post and that is our methods of curing those people. They like to put you in some stupid and ineffective camp to ‘heal you’, but I prefer a more direct and effective approach..."

So I pulled out my gun and aimed it at Tila's forehead and told her "A bullet in the head." But before I pull the trigger I told her this "Bye bye, bi-bitch." I pulled the trigger, and that was the end of Tila Tequila and also the end of that stupid show.

But there's one more thing I have to do. I grabbed the gas tank from my bag, poured it all over the house as much as I can and then lit the place. Soon the house was engulfed in flames, I was already outside when then house turned into a bonfire. With nothing else really to do I decided to read a few sentences from that big book of fables before I threw the book into the fire:

Revelation 20:9: And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.

Whatever…

[NEWS] ALC and novelist J.D. Glass team up for an "American Goth" story

2008-05-11T02:10:55Z

ALC Publishing, the world's only publisher of 100% Yuri, and Lambda Literary and Ben Franklin award finalist, lesbian novelist J.D. Glass, are teaming up for the upcoming "Yuri Monogatari 6" Anthology.

J.D. Glass, author of "Punk Like Me," "Punk and Zen," and "Red Light" is pleased to announce that "Yuri Monogatari 6" will include a side story featuring characters from her novel "American Goth."

"Yuri Monogatari 6," the newest book in ALC's award-nominated anthology series, also welcomes back Japanese doujinshi circle UKOZ and features the return of Eriko Tadeno (WORKS), Rica Takashima(Rica 'tte Kanji!?), and Althea Keaton.

ALC Publishing was founded in 2003 to create and disseminate high-quality Yuri manga to the worldwide English-speaking audience. ALC is a division of Yuricon, a celebration of Yuri in anime and manga.

For more information on J.D. Glass's novels, please visit her website at: www.myspace.com/jdglass

For more information on ALC Publishing's 100% yuri publications, please visit our website at http://www.anilesbocon.com or email us at anilesbocon01@hotmail.com

femmexfemme @ 2008-03-11T20:08:00

2008-03-12T00:10:56Z

Oniisama E is a classic anime fandom woefully devoid of any real smutfic, so in the tradition of the recent fandom kink memes, I bring you oniisama_e_kink, a chance to request and try your hand at writing or drawing all those lovely porny scenarios the series practically begs for. Miya-sama/Saint-Juste BDSM! Innocent Nanako/Mariko girly smut! Kaoru and Rei having sex after a particularly invigorating basketball game! The possibilities are pretty endless, and pretty unwritten or drawn. Come play!

ALC Publishing is recruiting for the 6th "Yuri Monogatari" Project!

2008-02-18T22:28:53Z

ALC Publishing, the world's only all-Yuri publisher, is recruiting writers and artists for their award-nominated Yuri anthology, "Yuri Monogatari."

Writers and artists who wish to be considered for the new anthology should read the submission rules at http://www.anilesbocon.org/alc.html carefully before sending any materials. Questions can be emailed to anilesbocon01@hotmail.com. Recruitment will be held through March 15, 2008. Due to the time constraints of the project, no applications can be accepted after this time. However, completed comics can be accepted at any time. See the above page for details.

Previous "Yuri Monogatari" anthologies feature the works of popular Yuri artists Rica Takashima, Akiko Morishima, Eriko Tadeno, Japanese doujinshi circles UKOZ, Sakuraike, western artists Althea Keaton, Kristina Kolhi, and many more!

ALC Publishing was founded in 2003 with a mission to bring high quality Yuri publications to the worldwide English speaking audience. For more information on ALC Publishing or its parent organization Yuricon, please visit the ALC website at http://www.anilesbocon.org or email us at anilesbocon01@hotmail.com

This Bloody Island Part 4: To Nick A Scot Chapter 6-9 - Bad Girls Fan Fic (Nikki/Helen)

2008-01-27T05:05:32Z

Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island Part4: To Nick A Scot Chapter 1-5 - Bad Girls Fan Fic (Nikki/Helen)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions.
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Nikki/Helen, Trisha, Al McKenzie
Rating: R
Summary: This is a Nikki/Helen story, but a VERY different one.

Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island - Part 4: To Nick A Scot.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions. Those two little lezbos Jessica Sammler and Katherine Singer belonged to the creators of the TV show "Once And Again", that was until I killed them! LOL! Nikki Wade/Mandana Jones is also the property of the Phony Lesbian Acting Association. Helen Stewart/Simone Lahbib is also the property of 7-Eleven Internation Corp.
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Nikki/Helen, Trisha, Al McKenzie
Rating: R
Summary: I finally catch up to Nikki and Helen

Chapter 6: Here Come's the Slurpee Girl

After we finished cleaning the area, I went into the cabinet and was looking for any household items that can be used when Nikki and Helen comes. Then I saw some curry powder.

"Aha, this is perfect. I can use some of this."

So I poured the curry into a cup. After I got the curry Jim was complaining about the cats in the house, there was eight of them!

"Bugger off! I'm not your territory!"

I couldn't help but laugh at the situation.

"It's not funny! I'm allergic to cats!"

"Oh" but I did giggle a bit.

Here's a rule of thumb when it comes to lesbians and cats: The more cats in the house, the more of a Female Faggot(s) the girl(s) is/are.

"Bollocks! There's so many cats here it's bloody disgusting. Why do lesbians own so many cats?"

"Because lesbians can't get enough pussy......cats, pussy cats, yeah!"

He didn't say anything for a while, then he just busted out laughing, eventually I joined in.

About 5 minutes later, I heard a car coming close to the cottage, so I checked outside through the window. I saw a Red Pugeot parked outside and a woman with a nice figure coming out. Judging the height and figure I assumed that it was that Scottish Slurpee Skank Helen Stewart, aka Simone Lahbib. I warned Jim that Helen/Simone is coming.

"Jim hide quickly, it's Helen, I mean Simone, I mean...whatever, just hide!"

"OK mate."

I hid behind the wall on the opposite side of the closet that we put Al's body in. Jim was right next to me. Helen came into the house and the cats ran right up to her. She then greeted each one of the cats that appeared.

"Hello Ellen, hello Rosie, hi there Samantha Fox, how are you doing Gia."

I couldn't believe the names that they gave to their cats.

"What the hell! She gave those cats names of dumb dykes!" I whispered.

"Well, did you expect her to name her cats Marlon, Jackie, Jermaine and Michael?" Jim whispered back sarcastically.

"What happened to Tito?" I whispered back.

"Who cares about him?"

Then two more cats ran up to her "Hi Jessie and Katie."

"WHAT THE FUCK! I gonna kill those two cats as well, I'm gonna skin them alive like what I did to Saffron Burrows, I'm gonna..."

"Stop it, no need to go round the bend (crazy)."

Thank God he calmed me down, or else I would have been in deep trouble.

Then she paused for a second and took a quick smell. "What's that smell." Helen said.

Uh-oh she smelled Al's decaying flesh. I knew I had to get ready for that Scottish Slurpee Girl, so I got a Slurpee cup with curry powder in it in my left hard and a bagpipe in the other. Helen then walked down to the hallway where we were nearby. She was about three metres away when I said this:

"Helen, It's time for me to straighten you out."

Then I turned around from the wall and threw the curry powder to her face. Some of it got into her eyes and they were burning. Then I quickly came up to her and slapped her with the Slurpee cup still in my left hand. She hit the wall when I slapped her. After that I dragged her by her hair to the den and I beat the hell out of her with the bagpipe. I was singing a traditional Scottish song while I was beating her, it was the first song that came in my mind.

O sarely may I rue the day SMACK!
I fancied first the womenkind; BAM!
For aye sinsyne I ne'er can hae WACK!
Ae quiet thought or peace o' mind! SLAM!
They hae plagued my heart, an' pleased my e'e,CRACK!
An' teased an' flatter'd me at will, WHAM!
But aye, for a' their witchery, WHAP!
The pawky things I lo'e them still. BLAM!

(What's with the sound effects? Well you can call it my tribute to Batman...)

The bagpipe and Helen/Simone were making too much noise, so I stopped. Then Helen said something between her moaning "I can't see you now but it must be you, I know that voice. How the hell did you find us? Also how do you know that song?"

They know my voice because I found out later that they got a voice recording of my meeting with one of the mafia leaders in London the last time I was here.

"Are you that stupid to think that the Witness Protection Program could protect you from me? I would expect more intelligence from someone who has a Masters." Not really, I know a lot of dumb asses that have Masters...yo don't look at me!

"Also I come from an area that is strong in that crrrrrappy (I'm rolling my tongue here to poke fun of those pathetic Scots) Scottish culture and there are quite a few Scots who live in my area. I know a lot more about you Scots than most North Americans would and I don't like you mother-fuckers either!" By this time it looks like she was recovering from the curry in her eyes, so I punched her dead in the eye. She flew back and started to cry.

"Why are you complaining? You already have circles around your eyes HABIB! LOL!"

"WHAT! Why are you making fun of my Asian side of the family? You don't understand how many kids used to tease me because my mother's skin was brown and that I don't look like a typical Scot. You don't know how much stares, snickers, and behind-the back remarks we got when me and my mother were out in public since our skin complexions didn't match. She had a heavy accent when she spoke and people used to make fun of it. She went through a lot here because dark-skinned people aren't common in Scotland but she was always humble and she always held her head up. I loved her very much, she was a wonderful mother, I wish she was still here." She was crying from the pain she went through in the past.

"Ah shut da fuck up bitch! You got Arab and Sikh in you so either way you look at it you're still a Habib! You ain't the only one who got teased because your skin is brown, I should know." I could tell you my own experiences, back home and when I was living in Liverpool, but you don't hear me crying about it.

"I'm glad that kids used to slap your towel head-wearing gay ass around." She looked at me with an angry look. Jim was heating up something in the microwave.

"And if she was still alive, she probably would be disappointed that her daughter turned out to be a pucchi-playing, fish-curry eating, roti-flapping dyke!"

She got really upset and actually tried to punch me but I blocked it and headbutted her. Then I picked her up and slammed her through the table, she was in total pain.

Then Jim passed me a very hot piece of roti and I smacked her with it. She was screaming from the heat of the roti. She had some burn marks on her face now.

"Flap that with your tongue Helen, I mean ELLEN!" In reference to that ugly-ass American dyke from New Orleans.

Jim then interrupted "Actually I want to -ahem- finish some unfinished business between me and Helen, I mean Ellen. Like I said I don' t want you to have all the fun."

"Oh, I know what you mean. Let me leave out of the room while you take care of your business. I'll go watch some TV."

So I went upstairs to Nikki and Helen's bedroom and started to watch some TV, but man I tell you British TV sucks. All they had on was gardening shows and documentaries. No wonder why Brits prefer to watch American TV shows. Since there was nothing to watch I started to look in the dressers, under the bed, in the nightstands, and of course in the closet... I only went in there briefly because...well the best way for me to put it is that there were very interesting things in there. While I was in the bedroom, Jim was, as the best way I can put it, taking care of business with Helen/Ellen/Simone/whatever her name is. She was screaming then I guess he put something over her mouth because I stop hearing the screaming.

Then Jim came up to the bedroom and told me that he's done with her.

I went back downstairs and she was now tied up in the chair with a torn blouse, an unzipped pants (trousers) and her mouth covered up with a rag. She was now literally in tears.

"There ain't no 7-Eleven, Kwik-E-Mart, Tim Horton's, Dunkin' Donuts, or any Paki shop workers here to save you now." I said to her.

"Yeah, there's also no flying carpet to pick you up, no genie in a bottle to make any of your wishes come true, and no Ali Baba or any of his 40 terrorists here to save you now." Jim said to her and we both started to laugh. While we were laughing she was bowing down her head, looking like she was praying.

"You can pray to the Lord, Allah, that man who wears a dress you call the Pope, Ghandi, the prophet Mohammed or as they say around here 'Mahoun', Braveheart, Osama bin Laden, the Holy Cow, or that monkey God Hanuman all you want, but none of them can save you cause I'm your Yama bitch." I said to her. Yama is the Hindu god of death.

"This is how she really prays:" Jim said. "ALLAHALLAHTOSISAMJAMASALAMIBOLONIJIHADHALLAHAKBARALLAH...KABOOM!" he said while trying to imitate an Arab, including the phlegm and spit that comes with it. We were both laughing our asses off.

"Don't worry, your cunt-fiddling girfriend Manila Jones will join you eventualy." Jim said to her

Then she tried to say "IT'S MANDANA!" through the rag in her mouth.

And right on cue, she was here.

END OF PART 4 CHAPTER 6.

Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island - Part 4: To Nick A Scot.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions. Those two little lezbos Jessica Sammler and Katherine Singer belonged to the creators of the TV show "Once And Again", that was until I killed them! LOL! Nikki Wade/Mandana Jones is also the property of the Phony Lesbian Acting Association. Helen Stewart/Simone Lahbib is also the property of 7-Eleven Internation Corp.
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Nikki/Helen, Trisha, Al McKenzie
Rating: R
Summary: I finally catch up to Nikki and Helen

Chapter 7: The Moment I've Been Waiting For

While we were still taunting and teasing Helen we heard another car coming up to the cottage, so I quickly look out on the front window and judging by that lanky figure with those fake-ass silicon tits sticking out it couldn't be no other than that dumb, dirty, disgusting, despicable, douche bottle drinking, diesel dyke-wannabe Nikki Wade herself.

"Oh hell yeah, the bitch is finally here. Let's hide Jim and pull Helen out of the way so that she won't see her."

Right now Helen was tied up to a chair with a new rag in her mouth. It was actually that fruity gay rainbow flag that I farted on. I was waiting behind the kitchen wall right by the hallway. Nikki came inside the cottage started to walk in the hallway when she noticed the smell of Al's dead body. God I wish Al took a bath and douched before we killed her.

"Oh something smells awful here. I thought the lum (chimney) was cleaned last week."

As she walked further into the hallway and was about to enter in the kitchen she heard Helen's muffling. It was rather loud, she was trying to warn Nikki of entering in the kitchen. She paused for a second.

"Is that you dear?"

I looked at Jim directly, hoping he could read my face telling him to shut Helen up. Jim read it and pointed a gun to her head.

"Shut your fucking mouth." He whispered to her.

As soon as she stepped in the kitchen, I quickly grabbed that grass-munching bitch, twirling her around 180 degrees and slammed that gay bitch on the wall. Amazingly enough she only hit the left side of her face, thus she didn't break her nose, but I bet her left cheekbone is cracked. She then stumbled onto the floor, holding her chest and the left side of her face, she was crying and moaning, some blood was coming out of her mouth. Helen tried to scream through the rag and started to cry so Jim smacked her. It was only fitting that I introduce myself to Nikki.

"Good day Nikki Wade, I mean Banana Jones." I purposely said her name wrong.

She was holding her face still and had her eyes closed when I spoke to her, she then replied "It's Mandana, and who can that be? That voice sounds very familiar."

"Open your eyes."

She eventually opened her eyes, and when she saw me she looked like she just saw her worse nightmare, which is true.

"No, No, It's can't be! IT CAN'T BE! GOD PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE!" Tears were really running down her face. She finally met the person whom she and Helen/Simone was trying to run away from. She joined Frances' group to put an end to me and I know she was one of the people in the group because I hacked into their server and saw a listings of all the people. I killed all that were on the list but these two Cherry Smackers.

"Hell yeah it's me bitch!"

"This couldn't be happening? What could be worse?" Nikki said while tears were flowing down her face. I grabbed Nikki by her throat and straighten her up, then she saw Jim Fenner.

"Hello Nikki, I mean Basketball Jones."

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Now she was scared shitless. While she was screaming I pimp smack her then Jim joined in and pimp smack her too. We alternated pimp smacking her, watching her bob back and forth like a ping-pong ball. After our left hands got tired (we're both lefties) I took out The Solution and beat the shit out of her:

"This is for eating too much pussy, CRACK!"

"And this is for joining Frances' group to stop me, CRACK!"

"And this is for being so dumb to join the Witless Protection Program, CRACK!"

"And this is for choosing the name Mandana, CRACK CRACK CRACK!"

"And this is for killing Officer Gossard, a close friend of mine, CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK!"

By now she was hardly standing up, so I kicked her down the small steps that connected the kitchen to the den and her face fell right on the rug. I then ask for Jim's assistance and we had her pinned to the carpet.

"Well since people like you are called 'carpet munchers', you shouldn't have any problems when we do this to you."

I then squeeze her cheeks so that her tongue will stick out. With me squeezing her cheecks with one hand and grabbing her hair on the other, and Jim holding her body with his hands we dragged her tongue all over the carpet. Her tongue had carpet burns and she was in pain.

"Why are you complaining, it's just like having public hair on your tongue after you finish snacking on Helen Habib!"

Then we ran her face all over the carpet and now her face has carpet burns, but we weren't done with her yet.

We brought her back to the kitchen, tied her up and then I thought of something. I told Jim to bring the mouse trap and he did.

"Look here Indiana Jones."

"It's Mandana!"

"Whatever Indy." She looked at me with hate when I said Indy. "Indiana Jones would be a more appropriate name because right now you're in our Temple of Doom. Remember that scene when Indiana had to drink the blood from the skull?"

"Don't tell me you're gonna make me drink someone else's blood!"

"No, but you might be drinking your own blood after we do this:"

I then squeezed her cheeks again (just like the scene from the Temple of Doom) and her tongue sticked out, then Jim placed the mouse trap under her tongue and the trap went off. Her tongue was swollen and blood was coming out of it, she was now screaming in agony. Helen was probably screaming through the rag "STOP IT! STOP IT!" We were laughing the whole time.

"Let me take care of Helen." Jim said.

"Go ahead Jim." Jim went to get something that would take care of her alright.

"Now you won't be Tipping the Velvet anymore like Rachael Stirling. Speaking of that bitch, you're a good testing ground for what I'm gonna do to Rachael when I see her. I don't like her as much as I don't like you Mandela Jones."

"Itz Mahndahnah!" she was trying to say with a swollen tongue. "EM-AEE-EN-DEE-AEE-EN-AEE!"

Then I punched her in the mouth. "Shut da fuck up bitch! But you're right, I couldn't mistaken the name of a dignified leader who is respected by the whole world with a low-life, tongue-twisting, fiancee-stealing, home wrecking lezbo."

Then Jim came back with a branding iron for Helen. When Helen saw the branding iron she started to scream and cry frantically thought the rag. We both were smiling like the Joker from Batman.

"Put it on her." I said

"My pleasure." He responded.

He then burned "HABIB" on Helen's forehead and then pulled out a hand mirror to show it to Helen, she really started to cry.

Nikki was screaming at me for what I did, even with her limped tongue.

"YOU BLOODY FUCKING EVIL BASTARD! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!" she was then crying hysterically, I think that's what she was saying, her tongue was still swollen. So I got another gay flag, I mean rag, laid a nasty fart on it and then put it in her mouth. We were getting tired so we decided to take a break. I went in the fridge and found some food. I don't know why but Jim wanted to ask her a question, so he took the rag out of her mouth.

"So now how does it feel to have a limp tongue? Kinda like having a limp penis, innit? You feel useless now don't you? You can't do anymore quimling (muff diving) can you?" Jim said with his usual wise guy antics.

"Fuck you, you old worn-out evil bastard." And she spit on him, it was mixed with blood.

That really got him mad, so as I saw him about to punch her in the stomach I tried to warn him.

"NO JIM! DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!"

But he did it and a huge hairball came out of Nikki's mouth. It was the size of a tennis ball and it was covered with blood, spit, phlegm, bile...man it looked very nasty and ugly! However it wasn't as nasty and ugly-looking as Sally Hawkins (or Mischa Barton.) It hit Jim right on his face, some of it was on his lips. She probably ate some bitch that had Yeast Infection, EEWWWW! Man those lesbians are worse than cats...

Nikki's face was now blushing red from the incident. "Oops, sorry..."

Jim had to wipe his face off then he came back.

"You gonna pay for that you hairball-spitting, cunt-juice drinking bitch." Hey, he's taking some of my words from my vocabulary!

I told Jim not to go crazy and told him to take a break. So we went in the fridge and found some more food. By this time Nikki's tongue wasn't so badly swollen, and thus she could speak better.

"Fish curry?" I said puzzingly.

"It's Helen's favourite."

"I'm not surprised..."

Helen just looked at me with an evil look, I just laughed it off. Then I found something else in the fridge.

"Hmm, New England Clam Chowder? I wonder who eats this?..." Me and Jim looked at Nikki with a smirk, she just look back at me with disgust and said "Piss off!"

Then I said "When you eat your Clam Chowder, do you put alfalfa sprouts on top of it just for...how can I say it?... 'garnishing?' I said with a smile on my face.

Nikki just looked at me and said "You just don't stop do you?"

"Nope. Just like you don't stop eating pussy and fingering bitches." I said like a smart ass.

Then I went to the cupboard so I can get myself a drink. Then I saw something very interesting, a signature Jessie and Katie mug with their foreheads touching each other and looking at each other deeply after "The Kiss" on that gay-ass American TV show Once And Again. ("The stupid mother-fucking kiss" is more like it.)

"Is this your cup." I asked Nikki.

"Yes, I got it when I met them at San Francisco a week before some bloody bastard killed them." She look at me with death in her eyes. "I used to be in their British fan club."

I pretty much ignored her anger and then I said "Oh yeah, I remembered San Francisco, it was an interesting place."

"Yeah, too interesting for you so you had to nuke it, you arse-hole!"

"Ahhh, did you really miss that place?" I said with a mocking sad expression.

She didn't say anything but gave me an angry look.

So I grabbed the mug and nonchalantly dropped it on the floor, it shattered all over the floor.

Nikki then said to me angrily "Is that all you good at? Destroying and killing everything?"

"The fuck do you mean bitch?"

"You know exactly what I mean. You kill any and every queer you can get to. Everybody know about what you did to Saffron Burrows and Alan Cummings and what you did to Jessie and Katie, but you've done a lot more evil."

"Like what?"

"Like when you blew up the OutRage office, assisted Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe in arresting and killing more queers in Zimbabwe, told Sasha Baron Cohen (of Da Ali G/Borat fame) who was queer in the entertainment industry and now he too is also blackmailing us. Helped the Jamaicans in killing and burning gay people, planned to crash Elton John's wedding, and there are some rumours that you've trained Muslim extremists. There's many more I know about."

"Now what a minute, I've done some good here in England. I blew up the National Front and British National Party headquarters and killed their leaders." The National Front and the British National Party are the British version of the KKK, I don't like those mother fuckers one bit.

"Yeah that's true but you've still done a lot more wrong."

"Like what Jim's about to do to you now. Besides, to be honest with you I would rather be doing what I'm doing right now than making car insurance commercials." Jim came out with a branding iron and Nikki was now terrified. I knew there was going to be a lot of screaming so I put the rag back in her mouth.

"We got a special one for you, Mandingo Jones." Jim said.

I stopped her before she was going to correct him. I then told Jim "Don't confuse the name of a strong, dignified, and powerful African tribe with the name of a slut who belongs to a pathetic group that ain't worth shit in the gene pool. There's only two reasons why those people exist: 1) To give everyone else something to laugh at. 2) To make the rest of us feel better about ourselves, because we're not them."

"Sorry bout that." he said and then he went to burn "DEAD DYKE" on her forehead. Helen saw the label and started to scream too (the rag was still in her mouth). We showed it to Nikki and she started to cry.

"Too bad there really isn't a Well of Lonliness, because if there was one I would have thrown both of you Clam Diggers in there, but instead we'll have to kill you." I said.

"Now it's time Jim." so I pulled out the Raging Bulldagger. Nikki had that big-ass mole on her left cheek that always irritated me, so I cut it off her face. She screamed when I did it but I didn't give a fuck. Both Helen and Nikki were now sweating bullets and I was about to stab those two Human Lawnmowers, however I saw an empty bottle on the counter top and it made me think of something better. I took the empty bottle and smashed it, leaving me with a broken piece of bottle. When Nikki saw that, she knew exactly why I did that.

"Remember what you did to Gossard? I saw the CCTV tape of it and I'll never forget what I saw and I'll never forgive you for what you've done."

I then used my right hand to push Nikki's right side of her head to the left, exposing her right side of the neck.

The time has come for this bitch to pay and I made her pay big time. However I told her one last thing before her eventual fate: "Do you know what?"

"What?" she said through the rag.

"Shit happens."

I stuck the broken bottle right at her neck causing blood to gush out everywhere. Since Helen was on Nikki's right side the blood got on her. Now Helen was beyound hysterical, she was screaming 'NO!' through the rag and crying like a waterfall.

Jim said to me "I know how to shut her up once and for all."

"Really how?"

"I'm gonna give her a 'personalised bindhi'." I know what a bindhi is, but one that's personalised?

"How do you do that Jim?"

"Watch and see."

Jim then stepped about two metres away from Helen. He pulled out his gun and shot her dead in the middle of the head. And that's what a 'personalised bindhi' is folks. Both of them are now totally dead. I then noticed that both of them had Sapphire Sisters rings on. I would expect Nikki but not Helen, now I'm very scared. Could there be a comeback? I took the rings by the way.

Jim looked at me and said "Well you did say that the only way to cure those people is a bullet in the head."

"True indeed Jim, true indeed."

"Hey, why don't we put a bomb on Helen? I mean she's partially Arab and that's what they do best: blowing themselves up."

"Nah, that takes some time to set up. I prefer burning."

Both of them are now dead but we weren't done yet. We still had some more work to do.

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 7

This chapter has been brought to you by the Phony Lesbian Acting Association: We're not dykes in real life, but it sure makes our resumes (CV) look better!

Chapter 8: A Journey Into The Closet/Burning Down The House (pick your favourite)

We wanted to do more than just kill those two Tongue-Twisters, we wanted to burn their cottage down. So we went to the bookshelves and found some dumb books written by dumb dykes. Rita Mae Brown, Jeanette Winterson, Sarah Waters, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Virginia Woolf, Radclyff Hall, Jane Rule, and many other sluts. The books were Whistle Stop Cafe, Fried Green Tomatoes, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, Fingersmith, Rubyfruit Jungle, The Well Of Lonliness, Deserts Of The Heart, and many other lezbo trash written by these heffas. We then threw them all in a pile.

We then got pictures and artwork from all over the house. There were some artwork of Georgia O'Keefe, Frida Kohl, and many others. We also got pictures of Nikki and Helen with other celebrities and they were many of them. It was pictures of them with Martina Navratolova (however the fuck you spell her name), Billy Jean King, Samantha Fox (your day will come), Kylie Minogue (her day already came), the four cast members of Sex In The City, Sophie Ward, Melissa Etheridge, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguillera, Jenna Jameson, Nikki Cox, Stephanie Swift, Katrina from Katrina and the Waves, Elton John, George Michael, Saffron Burrows, Ellen Degenerate, Lousy O'Donnell, and many others. We then threw in the same pile with the books.

"Hey didn't you kill Martina, Kylie, and that bulldagger Billy Jean King." Jim interrupted.

"Yep, those bring me back some golden memories."

Then we went in their bedroom and found a few more pictures. I guess they were special since they're in the bedroom. There was one of Nikki and Helen with Jessie and Katie, it was signed by both Jessie and Katie. It said on it 'Thanks for being a trailblazer for all of us and for you friendship, Jessica Sammler and Katherine Singer'. I don't know about her being a trailblazer, but in a matter of minutes she will be in a blazing fire! We got those and put them in the pile. Then I saw in the pile a Celtic football team jersey, it must belong to Helen. I fucking hate Celtic, Rangers all the way! (well not really, my favourite Scottish team is actually Aberdeen). So I sneezed and spit on it like the dirty rag it is.

Then we went into the bedroom again and found some tapes and DVDs. They had TV shows like Ellen, The L Word, South of Nowhere, The O.C., Will and Grace, Metrosexuality, Are You Being Served, Buffy The Vampyre Slayer, Noah's Ark, Queer As Folk (US and UK), and of course all eight seasons of Bad Girls. They also had movies like Tipping The Velvet, Desert Hearts, D.E.B.S., It's In The Water, The Adventures of Two Girls In Love, Loving Annabelle, Imagine You and Me, When Night Is Fallen, Lianna, Fingersmith, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, Lesbian Anal Licking Parade....

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Me and Jim just looked at each other.

Then we finally made that journey that no men has gone before, but of course quite a few women did. I'm talking about none other than the journey to Nikki and Helen's closet. Boy did we find some interesting stuff in there... We found some lubricants, vibrators, dildos (especialy one with double heads), strap-ons, anal beads....ANAL BEADS?! EEWWW!

"Jim this is some nasty shit!"

"Yeah, that thing probably had quite a lot on it too." Jim said with his smart remarks.

"These kinky dykes are really into buggery (sodomy)!" he added.

We also found a butt plug...no comment! There were a lot more lesbian porn videos and magazines, and sex books including Anal Pleasures in the closet. Now I see why no men has gone in there before, it's hazardous to their healths! So we got all those stuff (while wearing rubber gloves) and threw them on the pile.

"I think we got everything." Jim said.

"I think so too, let me get the gasoline." So I went and brought back two tanks of gasoline and I gave one to Jim. I poured the gasoline on the pile while Jim poured the gasoline on Nikki and Helen's bodies. Then we poured the remaining gasoline all over the house. I lit the match and then the whole house was on fire.

"Bloody hell! We finally did it!" Jim said in excitement.

"Yeah we sure did. Now we need to go to their business."

-----------------------

30 minutes later we were in downtown Aberdeen in front of their building For Her Eyes Only. They had security but you already know about British security. Ten minutes later we were already inside. We went around looking to see what the store had to offer. We saw lesbian novels, tv-shows, movies, porn (videos and books), feminine hygiene, lingerie, didos, vibrators, strap ons, turkey basters...TURKEY BASTERS?!

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW! I DON'T WANNA KNOW!"

Me and Jim were stunned when we saw turkey basters, we decided right then and there that we need to blow this mother fucking place up! So I set the explosives to detonate in 15 minutes and we left the place in a hurry.

"BOOM!"

The place exploded and we left Aberdeen as quickly as we can. We were very tired but we drove straight to London, making only one stop to switch drivers. We were there by 11 AM the next day. We finally arrived at Jim's house and we went straight to bed, we were both dead tired.

The next day I packed my bags and was planning to leave Jim's place. Jim walked in.

"Are you sure you wanna take a break now?"

"Well there's Sheena Williams and Pat Kerrigan that I want to finish off, but that can wait for another time."

"Actually leave that to me, I want to finish off those two. Besides that, you got everything right?"

"I double checked, I got everything."

"Well phone me when you're around London again."

"OK I will"

And with that I left Jim's house. I was just planning to leave London entirely but when I was near a house my gaydar device was going off like crazy.

"Maybe I should check that place out."

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 8

Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island - Part 4: To Nick A Scot.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions. Those two fish eaters Jesminder "Jess" Bhamra and Juliette "Jules" Paxton belong to that overrated director Gurinder Chadha. David Beckham is owned and whipped by Posh Spice, big time. Apu Naswerwfsadfwerfwe or whatever his last name is owned by The Simpsons and Gracie Films. Those two little lezbos Jessica Sammler and Katherine Singer belonged to the creators of the TV show "Once And Again", that was until I killed them! LOL!
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Nikki/Helen, Trisha, Al McKenzie, Jess/Jules
Rating: R
Summary: I finally catch up to Nikki and Helen

Chapter 9: Smash Them Like Sachin

I got into the house that my gaydar was beeping like crazy and at first I really didn't hear anything. This must be an Indian house because I can smell curry all over the place. I started to investigate the house, but as far as I can see no one is downstairs, so I went upstairs. Then I started to look in the rooms upstairs, I didn't find anything until I started to hear noise in one of the rooms. I then entered in the room, it looks like the room of a grown couple. There was nothing in the room but then I head some sounds coming from the closet... My gaydar was confirming this.

"Oh shit, it's time for me to straighten out the situation."

As I prepare myself for the worse I begin to recognise the sounds a little bit better. It sounds like two girls talking and probably kissing, so I decided to crack the closet door a bit more and listen.

"We may be in here but this feels like heaven to me Jules." Jess said.

"So do I Jess. I don't know why we waited so long to do this, we wanted each other for a long time."

"I love you so much, I just wish our parents can understand how much we love each other." Yeah right! If they found out..

"Jess if loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right." Haven't I heard this before?...(PART 3 OF THIS BLOODY ISLAND)

"Neither do I. I love looking at those bright and piercing eyes of yours. I adore touching that soft and warm skin of yours. I feel intoxicated when I feel your warm breath on my neck. I admire the radiance and whiteness of your skin. I..."

I think I had enough, I'm looking at the Cockney version of Jessie and Katie, and their fate is gonna end the same way Jessie and Katie's fate ended five years ago: through brutal pain. So I kicked the door and surprised them.

"Aha! I knew it all along!"

Jess was surprised and somewhat confused, she didn't know who I was. However Jules was nervous and was shaking like a crack-addict.

"Do you want me to finish off what Apu's daughter was about to say?"

They didn't say a word.

So I continued while mimicking a young girl's voice "OK let me continue. I admire the whiteness of you skin because I want to be white myself. I love eating chutney between you thighs because it gives it a more tangy taste. I think about you all the time when I'm working at Kwik-E-Mart making Chutney Squishees. I want you to be there for me when I have cramps. I want to have your knickers so I can smell your funk and then wear it. I love you so much because you're white. I'm willing to scratch your fanny when you need it and still eat foods with my hands."

Don't get me wrong people, I have nothing against Indians (Asians for you Brits), I just tease them to get to their heads. As for white people well that's a different story...

By this time both Jess and Jules were angry at me, I didn't care.

"Who are you?" Jess asked, I was gonna answer but Jules beat me to it.

"He's a very dangerous man, Jess. He specialises in humiliating, torturing and killing queers. He's the one who killed the Russian duo T.a.T.u."

"Yeah bitch I sure am, besides who the fuck do you think I am? David Beckham? Nah, I prefer cricket over soccer (well that's not true but as well...) I don't bend it like Beckham, I smash it like Sachin!" Sachin Tedulkar is a very popular cricket player who broke many batting records in Cricket.

Jules started to cry "Please don't use The Solution on us! Please!"

She already knows about The Solution? Damn does the word gets around here fast. I guess they do use their mouths for something else besides eating pussy. So I pull out my modified titanium-core cricket bat The Solution and smacked the shit out of Jules.

"Shut da fuck up bitch, you little twat-eating nympho!"

Then I started to beat the shit out of those two Tiny Twats. They were now crying, but I didn't give a fuck. So I dragged them out the closet by their necks. I then had a few words for Jess.

"Why are you crying Dyke of Delhi? I'm just doing what you're parents would have done if they weren't busy wasting their lives at Kwik-E-Mart making Tandoori Chicken Squishees. They would have torn your roti-flapping ass up if they found out you like fish curry."

Jules then look at me with disgust and said "You are despicable."

"Not as despicable as what I'm gonna do to you, Daffy Duck."

So I punched her in the face and pimp smacked Jess. Then I brought those two Little Lezbos to the steps and kicked both of them down the steps. They were in serious pain by now, so I picked them up, brought them back upstairs and then kick them down again just for the hell of it. I was laughing my ass off when they were tumbling down.

I went downstairs, pick those two bitches up, brought them back upstairs and lined them up on a window. Then Jess said something she would regret.

"I'm looking forward to the day that women can procreate with each other so we don't have to give birth to male homophobic jerks like you." Jules said with her sardine-smelling smart mouth.

I got really upset with her so I gave her a stunning high kick. She flew out of the window and landed on the concrete with her head busted like a cantaloupe.

Jess looked outside and started to scream, so I smack that slut and now I know I had to finish her off, so I told Jess "It's time for me to give you a 'personalised bindhi'."

"What's that?"

"You'll find out."

So I pull out my gun and said these parting words from a not-so-wise man in the Simpsons.

"Thank you, come again." I said trying to mimic Apu's accent. I shot her dead in the middle of the head, blood and brain matter were pouring out.

After I finished killing those two, I got what I could of Jules body from outside and put it next to Jess' body. I then poured gasoline on their dead bodies and lit a match. The bodies were on fire and about 20 minutes later the whole house was. Another job well done.

Now what should I do next? Slaughter Samantha Fox? Slap that ugly bitch Sally Hawkins til she turns pretty? Brutalise Sophie Ward? Kill off the rest of those people here on this God-forsaken island?

Better yet I know someone who I should kill and everybody on this country will celebrate, especially Scotland: Tony Blair, he's a total joke and a big America ass-kissing jerk.

However no matter what my next move is, those people should fear for their lives when I'm on This Bloody Island.

THIS BLOODY END

femmexfemme @ 2008-01-26T23:48:00

2008-01-27T04:54:05Z

Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island Part4: To Nick A Scot Chapter 1-5 - Bad Girls Fan Fic (Nikki/Helen)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions.
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Nikki/Helen, Trisha, Al McKenzie
Rating: R
Summary: This is a Nikki/Helen story, but a VERY different one.

Chapter 1: Witless Protection Programme

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since my Good Friday killing spree, that's what BBC News calls it. First I was in Liverpool for five days visiting old friends which include my firm buddies then I went to Halifax for a day because well, I have to visit any place that calls itself 'Halifax' ;-) After that I went to Ireland for a short while. I didn't last too long there because I started my queer hunting there and they paid me to leave their country since I was affecting their thriving tourism and business there. Who said that hunting those people doesn't pay? ;-) Now I'm back in London, trying to figure out what should be my next move. I was thinking of going to Larkhall and killing off Sheena Williams and Pat Kerrigan, then I though of taking care of Samantha Fox and her lover. I know that the Queen would probably knight me on that one since no one in the UK likes her anymore, however in the back of my mind I knew that something was missing. I didn't know what it was until Jim told me some potentially good news.

"Hey mate, I got some good news for you."

"What could it be Jim?"

"Well someone that I know in the Witness Protection Programme knows where Nikki Wade and Helen Stewart located. They went into the programme after the police found the hit list you accidentally left in the hotel the last time you were here, they saw their names on it. Nikki and Helen also know that you were good friends with DS Gossard, the bloke that Nikki killed when he was trying to rape Trisha."

That was a very stupid and careless mistake that I made, leaving my hit list around. For that point on, I always have my hit list in my PDA or Blackberry phone. Then it hit me, that's what's missing! Those two Fanny Fluffers. (Fanny = Pussy here in England)

"Yes I remember my pal Gossard, I wanted to get revenge for that incident, So you mean they are in the Witless Protection Program?"

"No, it's the Witness Protection Programme, why are you calling it 'Witless'?

"Because you gotta be witless to think it would actually help protect you from me."

We just laughed.

"However since this information is very crucial, he is asking for 8,000 pounds."

"8,000 POUNDS! How the hell can we come up with that money?"

"I don't know mate, I just don't know." Jim said while trying to think of something.

For a while we were both quiet trying to think of ways to get that type of money, and then it finally hit me.

"I got it! I know how we can make that money and have fun at the same time."

"You do? Please tell me!"

So I told him the plan and then told him to get all the weapons and equipment ready for tomorrow night.

"Ok the Raging Bulldagger has been sharpened and the Solution has been cleaned. Both are ready." Jim said.

"Good, then we are all set then."

For those who haven't read the first three other parts of this series (you should). The Raging Bulldagger is a is a strong and sturdy dagger with a bull's head at the bottom and decorated with sapphires on one side and black triangles on another. The Solution is a modified cricket bat with titanium in the centre and the colors of the rainbow flag at the tip of the bat (just so I can rub it on those people when I beat the shit out of them.) The Sapphire Sisters were a group of super-large, man-hating, Amazonian dyke bitches that I battled with for a long time. They wore a big and elaborate sapphire ring, even more fancier than the ring that Fenner gave to Betts.

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 1

Chapter 2: Dyke Nyte at Chix

The next early afternoon we arrived at Chix, a nightclub formerly owned by Nikki Wade and her ex-lover Trisha. It was Dyke Nyte at Chix and I felt this was the perfect time to pull off our plan.

"OK Jim, we will first take care of Trish. She lives on the upper floor above the club. They will still have the nightclub running because like the old saying goes 'the show must go on'."

Jim then continues "Good, then I will have the bouncers set up in the building so they will lock up the club when we get in. We will then put on our fake women body parts, wigs, and clothes. After that we go into the club and go straight to the gents toilet. In there we change to our black clothes and come out with our weapons."

"Then we rob the shit out of those dykes and then..."

We both just smiled. Jim added "We will be bloody rich by the time the night is over."

"Indeed." I responded with a Cheshire grin.

So we started to take our plan into action. We sneaked in through the back door and quietly walked all the way up to Trisha's room while hoping that no one hears or sees us. Eventually we got up to Trisha's room and knocked. She opened the door, she looked like as if she just woke up.

"Hi Trisha."

Her eyes grew when she saw us and she was about to scream but Jim quickly covered her mouth.

"OK Trish you're coming with us. Don't say a word or else." I had my Magnum right on her temple.

We were able to get out of the building quietly without anyone hearing or seeing us. We then took Trisha all the way to a forest outside of London.

She got out of the car and I was standing a few feet away from her while Jim was behind her. He had the gun right behind her back so that she won't make any quick moves. We walked about a kilometre into the forest and then we stopped.

"What are you two doing? Why did you bring me here? You know I'm no longer with Nikki."

"We know that very well." I said.

"Look, if you want information on where Nikki is located I can't be of much help. She pretty much disappeared after she sold her half of the business." She was telling us this with fear and nervousness.

"No we know where she is located."

"Then what do you want from me? Why did you bring me here?" she said.

We didn't say a word to her, but I think after a short while it she figured out what was going on.

"Oh my God, you brought me out here to kill me! Please don't kill me, please!" she was beginning to scream and cry like crazy.

"Who said I was going to kill you?" I told her while showing her my empty hands.

Then Jim pulled out the Raging Bulldagger and quickly stabbed her in the neck. It was quick since we didn't feel like wasting our time killing her. We went and buried her body deep in the forest.

We then went back to Jim's place and start planning for the next action.

---------------------------------

It was around 11:00 PM when we decided it was time to put the next phase of our plan into action.

The two bouncers we hired are now in the building.

"Now that they're in the building let's get the plan started."

So me and Jim put on our fake woman parts, clothes, and wigs and went to the front entrance of the club. We told the girl at the front entrance that we were men who were in the process of becoming women. She accepted us and we were able to pay in and go into the club. As soon as we got into the club we went straight to the men's washroom.

"I hope no one comes in Jim."

"Don't worry mate, we're the only men in this building. Besides I locked the door to make sure no one else does come in here.

So we quickly changed to our black clothes. Black shirts and pants with a black ski mask. We came out of the washroom with two big bags and our shotguns.

As soon as we got out of the washroom I fired a shot with my shotgun to get everyone's attention.

"Listen up dykes, this is a stick up! Put your pussy-fingering, fanny-fiddling, pootang-playing, sardines-smelling, kitty-petting hands up in air! We will come around you and we will take your gold, silver, sapphire rings, jewellery, money, and any other valuable personal possessions, but we don't take personal cheques!"

Jim continued the warnings "Don't try to use your mobile because we got all mobile signals blocked. Also, we disabled all the alarms in this building, plus the bouncers at the front door were working for us but they're gone now so there's no one here to protect you."

Thanks to my skills in Electrical Engineering and the fact that I used to work for a phone company I was able to shield any incoming or outgoing signals. The CCTV was still on, but we didn't bother taking care of it because everybody in England knows it's useless.

"By the way, the owner of the club Trisha won't know about this, because we killed her earlier today!"

When we said that, people in the crowd started to scream and cry.

"Don't try to leave this building because we got this area locked up." The bouncers we hired locked up the doors and killed the front entrance girl and the girl who collected the money.

"Remember Jim" I whispered to him "We only have 35 minutes here."

Most of the dykes in the room complied with us, except for one:

"You're not going to get any of my jewellery from me, especially my Sapphire Sisters ring you wanker!"

"Actually I will, and it will be much more easier than you think."

So I blasted her head with my shotgun, her head was splattered all over the place and people were screaming. Even the most psuedo-macho dyke was screaming. Then I took her valuables and her Sapphire Sisters ring with ease.

"OK anyone else here doesn't want to cooperate with us?" I said while still having my shotgun pointed to the crowd.

Everybody cooperated with us, giving us all their valuables. Then Jim thought of something.

"Do you have your camera with you?"

"Actually yes."

"Well I got this idea from a friend of mine who works for the police in Melbourne, Australia. Back in the mid-90s they went to this gay nightclub and make them strip naked."

When I heard that I couldn't help but smile.

"OK I see where you're going with this. Go ahead and take the lead. We got 20 more minutes."

"OK you lezzers, I want all of you to strip you clothes off right now and then keep your hands up, or else..." he pointed at the dead woman's body that I just shot.

I reloaded my shotgun just to show them that we were serious. They all took their clothes off and then we pulled out my camera.

"Oh this is going to be a Kodak moment, LOL" I said. We took taking pictures of those naked dykes in the clubs. One of us took the pictures while the other was pointing the shotgun at the crowd.

I tell you, I'm glad that most of those girls in the club are lesbians because no man on this earth would want to fuck them. It proved my point that most lesbians are fat, ugly, and try to act like a man. However there was quite a few that looked really fine, what a waste of pussy.

Jim said "Some of these birds here are really fit (meaning 'there are some very fine girls'), what a waste." So we took extra pictures of them :-)

Then we left them with a parting note: "Thank you for a wonderful time, I hope that you will enjoy the rest of the night, good night!"

We then quickly left the building and lock the back door so that no one else can get out or in.

Meanwhile at the club, one of the patrons said this "I can't believe that they would robbed us and striped us naked. This is bloody terrible! Things couldn't get any worse."

Then some people in the club heard something, it sounded like this: tick.....tick.....tick.....tick...BOOM!

The club was blown up, that's why I told Jim that we only had 35 minutes and that's why some people call me the 'Halifax Explosion' :-) Now that we have some money we can finally get more info on Nikki and Helen.

Oh yeah, it took the London Police and Ambulance three hours after the explosion to get there. That's British emergency service for you...

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 2

Chapter 3: Witless Protection Programme Part 2

Two days after we finally robbed Nikki's old nightclub Chix and blew it up to pieces, we were able to sell off all the jewellery and valuables that we had. It all came up to 32,000 pounds! Damn, I didn't know that these pathetic dykes were rich like that! However while looking through our loot I noticed something disturbing: there were over 50 Sapphire Sisters rings found. This is very disturbing, this isn't just a fad going on in women's prisons, this is something even bigger.

Jim paid the informant and came back to me with some more information.

"Here's what I got from the bloke. He told me that Nikki and Helen are now currently living in a cottage near Aberdeen, Scotland."

"All the way up there?"

"Yep, all the bloody way up there. Anyhow they used to own a raw seafood restaraunt."

We were silent for a second then we laughed at what he just said, you got to admit it's funny that two lezbos used to own a restaurant that served raw oysters, clams, and fishes.

"Well they sold it and used that money to start a new shop. Now they own a shop called For Her Eyes Only. a woman's sex shop that specialises in women's sexual products. It's located in Aberdeen's City Centre (downtown)."

"OK good, so now you got the addresses for both places, I think we are ready to go." I said with excitement.

"Actually there's more." Jim pulled out the two most recent photos of those two Clam Diggers. They look like they didn't aged that much, must be from all the Botox they were secretly taken.

"Huh?"

"Well since they're in the Witness Protection Programme they have changed their names as well."

"Really?"

"Yes, first of all Nikki Wade has changed her name to Mandana Jones."

When he said that I was trying to hold my laughter, but it was extremely hard. I mean come on, who would take the name Mandana?

"MAN...(snicker)DANA.........(snicker)JONES! Hahahaha!" I couldn't stop laughing by then.

"Oi mate, What's so funny?"

I was still laughing when I told him

"The name man, the name! Hahaha! You could use it for The Name Game!" still laughing

"The Name Game? You mean that old song from Shirley Ellis?"

I finally got a little bit of my composure back and responded "Yeah!"

Jim just couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness, then I started to laugh again.

"Listen to this Jim, it's a slight variation of the song:"

Mandana,
Mandana dana bo bana
Banana-fana fo fana
fe-fi-mo-manda
Mandana!

Now both of us were laughing our asses off with this. After we finally got rid of all the laughter we had in our systems, which took a while, I told Jim to continue on.

"You think that's weird, then listen to this one. Helen Stewart also changed her name to Simone Lahbib."

"Lahbib? Why an Arab last name?" I asked.

"Don't know mate."

I was looking at her photo still wondering why she would accept an Arab name as her new last name, then it hit me. I should have seen this a long time ago. The circles around her eyes that she tries to hide, the exotic wide lips of hers, the way her ears stick out, the indistinguishable shape on her nose, and the fact that she's unusually tanned for a Scot. Oh my god, Simone Lahbib is a Habib (a local word for Arabs and/or Indians in my area)! She's the daughter of a Slurpee Girl!

Since there are no 7-Elevens in the UK, let me explain to you Brits why I said that. Back in North America one common stereotype associated with Arabs and Indians, or as you Brits would call them Asians, is that they work at 7-Eleven stores since at one time most of the workers in 7-Eleven were Arabs and Indians, it's very similar to a Paki shop. That's not the case anymore they have moved up the ladder, they now work at petrol stations and doughnut shops! As well, one of the products well associated with 7-Eleven is the Slurpee, an ice slush flavoured drink that is very popular in North America, especially in Winnipeg. Thus Arabs and Indians have been called Slurpee Men/Boys and/or Slurpee Women/Girls because of their long history with 7-Eleven. I don't care what people say but Arabs and Indians are the same to me, except that Indians don't know how to make bombs.

Now the trip to Aberdeen was getting more and more interesting. I explained to Jim why she probably took an Arab name and showed him her Arab features. Amazingly she also has some Indian features as well, weird...

"You're bloody right mate, no wonder why she never talked about her mother at all when she was working at Larkhall. Let me prepare the weapons first and then we go out for a pint at a pub."

"Sounds good Jim. And Jim, I'm gonna need you for this mission."

"Jolly good mate."

"It's time for us to straighten Bandana Jones and Simone Habib out once and for all." I said.

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 3

Chapter 4: On The Way To Aberdeen

While Jim was driving to Aberdeen, I put in the CD of George Michael singing that Zip Me Up Before You Go-Go (from Part 1 of This Bloody Island) song before I shot him in the public washroom. Jim was cracking up to it.

"I can't bloody believe it! You actually made him do that?"

"I sure did, LOL"

We laughed for a while then Jim asked me a question.

"Hey mate, I know your good with electronics, computers and machines but how did you learn how to make bombs?"

"Well Snowball taught me. We were partners in the drug trade for a while, so I taught her some things with computers and she taught me some things in explosives. Of course that was before she tried to kill me but I just recently killed her (Part 2 of This Bloody Island)."

"Bloody good, she's a manipulative bitch!”

“Yes she was, however she was very helpful at times. I gained more experience in the art of seduction. ”

We didn't say anything for a while then he said "I wanted to get that bitch Helen Stewart for a while. Before she came along in Larkhall everything was fine for me there. I was shagging girls left and right and my then-wife Marilyn didn't expect a thing, I was providing them a service they couldn't get anywhere else in Larkhall. Then she had to put a stop to it and during all that time she was shagging Nikki, that double-standards dyke!"

"Well you'll get your revenge tonight and that bitch deserves it." And I'll get mines too. During our conversation I was looking at a photo of me with Gossard in a fishing trip when he was visiting me in the States. All that time I was thinking to myself Don't worry Gossard, I'm gonna make Nikki pay for what she did to you.

"And we will get Nikki too." Jim said.

"Yeah, we will finally got both of those Female Faggots."

I had to bring up something about Helen that was important, so I told Jim "I did some investigation on Helen's background. Her mother is actually from Algeria but her grandfather is a Sikh, and if you know anything about Sikhs, they're mostly based in India and Pakistan. However I find that very weird because Sikhs don't usually marry outside their religion."

"So she's also a Paki girl?" Jim responded.

"Yep. We can make fun of her with that."

We past a sign stating that Liverpool was 15 miles away, which Jim brought up another subject.

“You used to live in Liverpool for a while? What did you do there?”

“Well back in 1979 I attended school for a year there due to the foreign exchange program, but I did more than just attend school. I got interested in football, of course back home we called it soccer, don't know why. Personally I was into any sport that wasn’t ice hockey or lacrosse, because back where I’m from ice hockey is really the only sport, which Lacross was only a substitute to do something for the summer, and I didn't like either of them. People back home weren’t into basketball yet. So I met some friends during my time in Liverpool and they were in this group. I eventually did join the group, well actually it was a firm.”

“What firm?”

“The Urchins.”

“You? A Liverpool football casual? A Scallie?”

“Yep, I was one. After all it got started in Liverpool.”

I showed him a picture of me back in 1980. I had Jheri-curls during those days (don't be gigglin', I know some of ya mutha-fuckaz had them too.) and I was wearing a Sergio Tacchini sweat top (or track top here in England) with those tight-ass Jordache jeans (back then it was the style for men to wear tight jeans, thank God it’s over), Adidas Sambas on my feet and a gold medallion around my neck. I was combining European casual with African-American style so I had a distinct fashion. I was Da Shit back then! Boy I miss those day, well I don’t miss tight-ass jeans and Jheri-curls...

“I didn’t think they would accepted you, because you know why...”

“Yeah that was the case at first, but after I beat up two other casuals in the firm they accepted me right away. I also proved myself after beating up a few members of Manchester United's Red Army firm. By then I was considered one of them, my race didn’t matter one bit. It helped that I was taking martial arts since I was 11 and that I was rather big and tall for my age.”

“No wonder why it takes you forever to get dress, you always have to look good.”

“And that’s what it’s all about mate. It was fun to be in that firm during that time. Liverpool was a very successful team and so we went all over Europe following the team. We -ahem- ‘took’ some of the fashionable clothes from Italy, France, Switzerland, Germany, etc. It was funny because we would start fights with other firms and usually nothing happened to us since we didn’t fit the hooligan stereotype. The police would arrest them and we would get off scott-free.”

“Interesting.”

“It sure was. Even after I left Liverpool I still kept in contact with the casuals. For the next few seasons I would go to Liverpool and join them when football season was still going on and when I had a school break. That kept on going until 1984 when I got arrested for a hooligan fight in France and I couldn't leave my country for five years. When I went back to England in 1989, it wasn't the same so I permanently stop being a Casual.”

"You had a rather interesting life."

"Yeah, I enjoyed every minute of it." I said with a smile.

I then put on Rick Ross “Push It” and as soon as Jim heard it, he was nuts.

“Why are you playing this bloody rubbish in my car! You know I can’t stand rap! Because it’s like what you North Americans would say ‘crap’.”

“Relax man, you don’t have listen to the lyrics, I don’t. I just listen to the beats, because it gets me pumped up to fuck up mother fuckers.”

So Jim took my advice an started to listen. By the time we got to Aberdeen we were pumped up and ready to kick some ass.

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 4

Chapter 5: The Deil Cam Fiddlin' Through the Toun/The Last Drag King of Scotland (Pick your choice, my favourite is the second one)

We finally arrived at their cottage near Aberdeen around 10 PM, it was dark and cold outside. It was a ten hour drive, eight if it wasn't for the traffic in London. The cottage was actually big by British home standards, looks like they're making some serious money. It had a very beautiful garden, it wouldn't surprise me that Nikki was the one who made the garden. There wasn't more about the house that I could tell because it was dark already.

"We should have brought some jumpers. It's rather cold here." Jim said.

"Yeah, we should have brought some sweaters."

Jim was impressed himself. "Wow, I wonder how many rich old nasty dykes they slept with to get this house." We both chuckled.

We saw some lights, so we expected someone to be home.

"Let me go and check to see if anyone is home." I said.

"OK"

So we sneaked up to one of the windows on the front side of the house, and saw a fat male watching TV. However knowing them it couldn't be a male in the house, then I got a closer look and recognised who it was.

"Who do you see?" Jim said as I peeped in the window.

"I think I see Al McKenzie." Al McKenzie: A former inmate of Larkhall who is now their bodyguard/nanny (and a bad one)/housekeeper/handywoman/part-time employee of their shop/'male partner' in their threesomes...EEWWW, who would want to have sex with that? If you want to see what 85% of the total dyke population in the world looks like, then Al will be your perfect example: fat, ugly and act like they got a dick.

"Oh her... Thanks to that bloody bitch I nearly got in trouble."

"Are you talking about the Barbara O'Kane murder?"

"Yes."

"Well they still haven't found out who did it. I only knew becaue Maxi told me when I was shagging her."

"Oh"

If Al didn't kill her already I would have, since she and Yvonne Atkins were feuding each other and my loyalty is with Yvonne.

"OK Jim, get yourself ready, we're gonna take care of Al."

So I got The Solution ready and Jim got a Louisville Slugger baseball bat. We rang the doorbell and Al was coming.

"Fa is it?" (Who is it?)

"It's Scotty, open th' duirrrr fore th' ship's about to blaw'!" (It's Scotty, open the door(rolling r) before the ship is about to blow!) I was doing my impression of Scotty from Star Trek.

Al got really upset with that one, she opened the door and stepped out saying:

"Fa is th' wiseguy arrroond haur?" (Who's the wiseguy around(rolling r) here?)

She didn't know that I was close to her until she turned her head towards my direction. As soon as she turned her head I hit her with The Solution on her tits. She flew two metres across the hall. She was screaming in pain. Then I came up to that fat haggis-eating Scottish crap.

"Good day to ya lassie, or in your case laddy, hahaha!" I said.

"Oh no, it's th' deil himself" (Oh no, it's the devil himself)

"Yeah you're looking at the devil you stupid Scottish punk."

"You actually understand Scottish dialect?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, don't forget I'm from an area that is very strong in Scottish culture and also I spent some time in Cape Breton."

Jim then grabbed her by her throat and said to her "I've been waiting a long time to do this, you've nearly got me in trouble because of what you did to Barbara O'Kane. Now you're going to end up just like her. Since you want to BE LIKE A MAN you're gonna take a BEATING LIKE A MAN!"

So Jim took The Solution from me and beat the shit out ouf her stupid Scottish ass. I just sat back and watch this one, Jim had more issues with her than me.

"Let me remind you what you are, you fat, ugly, hairy-armpits, tuna-smelling homo." Jim said to her and then he twisted her nipples. She was screaming in utter pain.

Then he said "I know you want to be a man, you want to be able to pee while standing up, to scratch your ball, not to have to use any douche bottles or tampons."

"I don't think she ever used a douche bottle or tampon in her life Jim."

"I wouldn't be surprised." He responded back.

The he grabbed the branding iron and burned "UGLY" on her forehead. I thought that was appropriate.

He then told her "Are you jealous that I was able to shag Maxi and you couldn't?"

"How could she? She ain't got no dick!" I responded.

When she heard that she started to cry, well so much for being a bully. We just laughed at her. After that he filled the sink with water and put her head in it, drowning her like how she drowned Barbara. Then I thought of something better.

"Hey Jim, use this for that bloated bitch instead. It's made for those flannel-shirt wearing, skinhead-looking, Indigo Girls-listening, out-of-shape dykes, like Al." I passed the Raging Bulldagger to him and then he stabbed her right in the gut. In a matter of minutes she was dead.

"We need to put the body somewhere." Jim said with great concern on his face.

"There's only one place to put her body in.' I said.

"The closet?"

"Yep"

So we dumped her body in the closet.

"Ok now we have to wait for Nikki and Helen. Let's clean up any blood stains as fast and as best as we can."

"OK"

We eventually cleaned up the blood stains to prepare for the next blood bath...

END OF PART 4, CHAPTER 5

Smash It Like Sachin - Bend It Like Beckham fan fic (Jess/Jules)

2008-01-27T04:35:59Z

Name: DaSolution
Title: Smash It Like Sachin
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Bend It Like Beckham
Fandom: Bend It Like Beckham (story came a section of a Bad Girls fan fiction "This Bloody Island Part 4: To Nick A Scot")
Pairing: Jess/Jules
Rating: R
Warnings: Death.
Summary: Jess and Jules time together was cut short...

I got into the house that made my gaydar beep like crazy and at first I really didn't hear anything. This must be an Indian house because I can smell curry all over the place. I started to investigate the house, but as far as I can tell no one was downstairs, so I went upstairs. Then I started to look in the rooms upstairs, I didn't find anything until I started to hear noises from one of the rooms. I entered into the room, it looked like the main bedroom. There was nothing in the room but then I head some sounds coming from the closet... My gaydar was confirming this.

"Oh shit, it's time for me to straighten out the situation."

As I prepare myself for the worse I began to recognise the sounds a little bit better. It sounded like two girls talking and probably kissing, so I decided to crack the closet door a bit more and listen.

"We may be in here but this feels like heaven to me Jules." Jess said.

"So do I Jess. I don't know why we waited so long to do this, we wanted each other for a long time."

"I love you so much, I just wish our parents can understand how much we love each other." Yeah right! If they only knew...

"Jess if loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right." Haven't I heard this before?...(PART 3 OF THIS BLOODY ISLAND)

"Neither do I. I love looking at those bright and piercing eyes of yours. I adore touching that soft and warm skin of yours. I feel intoxicated when I feel your warm breath on my neck. I admire the radiance and whiteness of your skin. I..."

I think I had enough, I'm looking at the Cockney version of Jessie and Katie, and their fate is gonna end the same way Jessie and Katie's fate ended five years ago: through brutal pain. So I kicked the door and surprised them.

"Aha! I knew it all along!"

Jess was surprised and somewhat confused, she didn't know who I was. However Jules was nervous and was shaking like a crack-addict.

"Do you want me to finish off what Apu's daughter was about to say?"

They didn't say a word.

So I continued while mimicking a young girl's voice "OK let me continue. I admire the whiteness of you skin because I want to be white myself. I love eating chutney between you thighs because it gives it a more tangy taste. I think about you all the time when I'm working at Kwik-E-Mart making Chutney Squishees. I want you to be there for me when I have cramps. I want to have your knickers so I can smell your funk and then wear it. I love you so much because you're white. I'm willing to scratch your fanny when you need it and still eat foods with my hands."

Don't get me wrong people, I have nothing against Indians (Asians for you Brits), I just tease them to get to their heads. As for white people well that's a different story...

By this time both Jess and Jules were angry at me, I didn't care.

"Who are you?" Jess asked, I was gonna answer but Jules beat me to it.

"He's a very dangerous man, Jess. He specialises in humiliating, torturing and killing queers. He's the one who killed the Russian duo T.a.T.u."

"Yeah bitch I sure am, besides who the fuck do you think I am? David Beckham? Nah, I prefer cricket over soccer (well that's not true but as well...) I don't bend it like Beckham, I smash it like Sachin!" Sachin Tedulkar is a very popular cricket player who broke many batting records in Cricket.

Jules started to cry "Please don't use The Solution on us! Please!"

She already knows about The Solution? Damn! The word sure does gets around here fast. I guess they do use their mouths for something else besides eating pussy. So I pull out my modified titanium-core cricket bat The Solution and smacked the shit out of Jules.

"Shut da fuck up bitch, you little twat-eating nympho!"

Then I started to beat the shit out of those two Tiny Twats. They were now crying, but I didn't give a fuck. So I dragged them out the closet by their necks. I then had a few words for Jess.

"Why are you crying Dyke of Delhi? I'm just doing what you're parents would have done if they weren't busy wasting their lives at Kwik-E-Mart making Tandoori Chicken Squishees. They would have torn your roti-flapping ass up if they found out you like fish curry."

Jules then look at me with disgust and said "You are despicable."

"Not as despicable as what I'm gonna do to you, Daffy Duck."

So I punched her in the face and pimp smacked Jess. Then I brought those two Little Lezbos to the steps and kicked both of them down the steps. They were in serious pain by now, so I picked them up, brought them back upstairs and then kick them down again just for the hell of it. I was laughing my ass off when they were tumbling down.

I went downstairs, pick those two bitches up, brought them back upstairs and lined them up on a window. Then Jess said something she would regret.

"I'm looking forward to the day that women can procreate with each other so we don't have to give birth to male homophobic jerks like you." Jules said with her sardine-smelling smart mouth.

I got really upset with her so I gave her a stunning high kick. She flew out of the window and landed on the concrete with her head busted like a cantaloupe.

Jess looked outside and started to scream, so I smacked that slut and now I know I had to finish her off, so I told Jess "It's time for me to give you a 'personalised bindhi'."

"What's that?"

"You'll find out."

So I pull out my gun and said these parting words from a not-so-wise man in the Simpsons.

"Thank you, come again." I said trying to mimic Apu's accent. I shot her dead in the middle of her head, blood and brain matter were pouring out.

After I finished killing those two, I got what I could of Jules body from outside and put it next to Jess' body. I then poured gasoline on their dead bodies and lit a match. The bodies were on fire and about 20 minutes later the whole house was. Another job well done.

Now what should I do next? Slaughter Samantha Fox? Slap that ugly bitch Sally Hawkins til she turns pretty? Brutalise Sophie Ward? Kill off the rest of those people here on this God-forsaken island?

Better yet I know someone who I should kill and everybody on this country will celebrate, especially Scotland: Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, they're a total joke and a bunch of big America-ass kissing jerks who deceived them to fight a meaningless war.

However no matter what my next move is, those people should fear for their lives when I'm on This Bloody Island.

THIS BLOODY END

Real Disclaimer:
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions. Those two fish eaters Jesminder "Jess" Bhamra and Juliette "Jules" Paxton belong to that overrated director Gurinder Chadha. David Beckham is owned and whipped by Posh Spice, big time. Apu Naswerwfsadfwerfwe or whatever his last name is owned by The Simpsons and Gracie Films. Those two little lezbos Jessica Sammler and Katherine Singer belonged to the creators of the TV show "Once And Again", that was until I killed them! LOL!