I don't post here usually and this isn't so much a rage, but an expression of frustration!!

I've been asked a really stupid question by a friend and I basically just wanted to tell some other feminists how annoying a question it is, and how perplexed I am about how to answer it sensitively while also being assertive. I don't want to pander him and spoon feed him because feminists shouldn't have to do that for men, but he is a man I care for like a brother.

I did that meme going 'round about 'blog about things you largely don't' and a [feminist] friend asked me what i would hypothetically say to a young girl who didn't feel feminism was relevant. I answered to the best of my ability and my [close, also rl] friend basically commented in a way that suggested they DESPERATELY needed reassurance that THEY wern't sexist, needed to inform me they DEFINITELY WERN'T a misogynist and also asked if unearned privilege was a Bad Thing.

It just seemed to me to be one more example of feminist discourse derailed by men's seemingly inherant need to go WHAT ABOUT ME. If he wasn't such a dear friend I'd be tempted just to give it no response at all, answer the more sensible points but otherwise reaffirm that I don't need to give absolution to men because of the patriarchy. I think if men want to become feminists, they really need to learn how to stfd, confront their privilege and learn from us.



I've added my comments in italics.
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I have questions if you don't mind. You don't need to answer them in essay form though ;)

1) Is there anything wrong with unearned privilege?
How can there be anything RIGHT with it?!

2) The media compartmentalises and reduces everything to soundbites, especially political issues. Do you feel that there is any difference with the way this is done to feminism, and do you really believe it is a conscious choice to benefit the patriarchy?
Yes and no, there are horrible people out there but there are also people that are brought up into the system with their male privilege that never question it&so it perpetuates it. Also true for classism and racism. That incredulous 'really' makes me feel like a conspiracy theorist though

3) As you know, I support feminism from the men and women should be equal point of view, dislike men who mistreat women, believe the pay gap should be eliminated etc. However, I still have issues with the idea of the patriarchy. I can see language, pay gap, rape convictions etc all being products of misogyny, but I don't see men working together to keep women down across the board. I've certainly never been approached to do my bit, although perhaps they know I'd say no ;)
How do I point out his obvious insecurity here sensitively?!

So my question is, what causes the patriarchy, how can it be dismantled, and who is to blame? And overall, what exactly is it?

A thought which might or might not affect your answers - I think one of the reasons I am uncomfortable with the idea of the patriarchy is I hate the idea that I am, even unconsciously, part of devaluing women just because I was born with a penis.

So another question to add on to the last one I guess - is every man part of the patriarchy - if so, is it possible for a man to escape it and if not, roughly how "large" is the patriarchy?
Again, how can I say that YES, you have privilege and maybe you should confront it and maybe you should actually talk about feminism and not the feelings of men every time we ever talk about this