lilibelle3 ([info]lilibelle3) wrote in [info]faghags,
@ 2008-06-21 07:01:00
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Current mood: cheerful

Hello to all!
Well I have been reading this site for a while now and decided to go ahead and finally post.  The last 6 months or so have been a bit confusing and intense for me as I have developed a very close friendship with a gay man.  This site  has been incredibly helpful in sorting out my feelings and perceptions. 
So something I am still struggling with and would love feedback from my fellow Fag Hags on is this:  My relationship with my main fag (affectionately referred to as my gay boyfriend -gbf) is incredibly intimate, we share quite a bit with each other, we go out often, text, email and/or call eachother daily, and we love each other.  My friends and family often comment on how my gbf and I are so intimate.  They do not directly say, but insinuate that there is more than a friendship going on between us.  This frustrates me somewhat.  I am married to a str8t man and  he is mostly ok with my friendship with my gbf.  Being a Fag Hag I realize that those who are not, just may not get the unique and special friendship that can develop between women and gay men. But I'm getting tired of saying "he's gay, that means he likes men"  Can't friendships be intimate? 


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[info]knowyourblack
2008-06-21 04:14 pm UTC (link)
my dad used to constantly ask me if my old boy ryan and i were dating, sleeping together, etc. i used to tell him no and then finally i got really graphic and said something like, "he likes giving it up the ass to boys, ok?" and he stopped asking after that...

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[info]lilibelle3
2008-06-22 02:23 am UTC (link)
Thanks for replying! Yeah, I think if I said something like that people would likely stop commenting, but the eye rolling gets me too! LOL

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[info]jittrbugg
2008-06-21 07:47 pm UTC (link)
i've had a similar situation going on. other than the being married part. i'll just say that i feel for you. i just thinking whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do people care if we're so close anyway? on the one hand, i don't think i should have to have a label for what the friendship is, and on the other hand, i need something, and neither of us use faghag much as it doesn't fit exactly. and i definitely know what you mean about friends insinuating things. i had a huuuuuuuuuge freakout last month when one of our friends joked that we'd end up together (in the biblical sense). for some reason i just completely lost it.


anyway, i hope that made sense (it might not have because it's not from the beginning) and i hope it made you feel a little bit better at least. someone else's going through something similar.

(hugs)

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[info]lilibelle3
2008-06-22 02:36 am UTC (link)
Thank you for your comment! I agree that people should not care if we are close, I had that discussion today with another friend who was inquiring. There are only 4 people's opinion that really matter: me, my husband, him, and his best friend. I also feel that Fag Hag inadequately describes me/our relationship, but he affectionately calls me that sometimes and I have taken to it. I choose to apply positive meaning to it. I can understand your freak-out about that comment of you and him ending up together. And it is always helpful to know people go through similar things, even if it's too bad we have to. Thanks for the support!

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[info]jittrbugg
2008-06-22 03:24 am UTC (link)
yeah i don't really feel like "faghag" explains it completely. in fact, i used to really hate the term. then i became okay with it, mostly when it was being used to describe me in certain situations and i was like "wait, that doesn't sound so bad". I like it sometimes, and other times I don't.

No problem about the support! I'm glad you could feel the connection lol. I wish you the best of luck with all of this!

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[info]diddy09
2008-07-10 02:12 am UTC (link)
Does any of your family and friends think your guys' relationship is toxic? My gay boy and I act like we are married! He gets jealous of my hook-ups and I get jealous of his. He often calls me his wife, which I don't seem to mind. In fact, I find it kind of cute. I am divorced and getting the attention from him was a welcome change for me. I was feeling lonely and hear comes this insanely cute younger gay boy. Innocent enough right? WRONG! Two years later, I feel like I'm ready to celebrate another anniversary! I know he is gay and he knows I am straight, but for some reason, we have a very strange physical attraction to each other. We talk everyday on the phone (he recently moved away) at least 5 times a day. He's tells me I'm his world, he tells me he's in love with me, and he tells me he wants to marry me. We've made out in public places, we hold hands, and we cuddle in bed. I feel like I have a boyfriend without the sex! Our emotional connection is so intense sometimes, I feel like I need to back off. But when I back off or try to branch out on my own, he sucks me back in. You know it's fucked up when people are asking me "What are YOU GUYS doing this weekend?" Please don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and would go to the ends of the earth with him. I'm just venting because none, and I mean NONE, of my friends and family understand what I'm going through. I hate the word "Fag Hag". I view it as derogatory because typically when people say it to me, it is meant in a derogatory way. Why can't a gay man and straight woman have a close friendship without people thinking you're sleeping together? My question to all the FH's out there is......do you ever feel like you are too close that you lose your identity? Again, I don't want you to think I want out of this relationship, because I don't. I adore him! Just wanted to see if anybody else felt the same way. Or am I just crazy?

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[info]hopemoon
2008-07-10 08:47 am UTC (link)
If you're happy with things as they are, then why change them? It sounds like you both care about each other a lot and have a good time together. The hardest thing to deal with may just be other people judging your relationship because it doesn't fit the typical mold.

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[info]diddy09
2008-07-10 06:18 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for the support. It is difficult to try to explain something that even we don't understand sometimes. I'm glad I found this site. It is a good sounding board!

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[info]lilibelle3
2008-07-12 10:46 am UTC (link)
I can relate to what you are saying. I have such intensity of feelings for my main GBF that sometimes I wonder if it is healthy. He has become a central part of my life along with my other gay friend. I have a stronger connection to my main GBF,I love him so much and I never expected this. I have had friendships with gay men in the past, none have been this intense. He and I work together also and he sometimes refers to me as his "work wife" or just "wifey", which at first I found confusing but now endearing. I think that their is such complexity in the relationships we have with our gay men. It is difficult to define and understand, there is no label or box that it fits neatly in. Have you checked out the documentary posted in Dec on this site? "Fag Hags: Women who love gay men" It is interesting. also at http://www.guba.com/watch/3000088520

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[info]diddy09
2008-07-13 06:34 pm UTC (link)
I used to be married and I feel a deeper, more intense connection with my gay husband than I did with my straight husband! I have always felt a kinship and connection with gay people. And to be honest, I love my relationship with my gay boy. It is frustrating though when other people get involved. We each get jealous when we spend other time with people. I never in a million years would've guessed I would be in this position with a friend. He is a huge part of my life now and I feel like we are living a "Will & Grace" life, where we must be in each other's lives. We have to talk on the phone everyday and we have to tell eachother I love you everyday. To me, it's kind of scary to someday meet someone who can't accept our relationship because I know he will always be in my life no matter what. I'll check out the documentary though. Thanks for the support guys! Sometimes I think I'm crazy for feeling this way, but now that I know others have the same issues, I feel better about my situation

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From my own personal experience
[info]daluved1
2008-06-22 08:38 pm UTC (link)
Okay girl, I know exactly what your talking about. I have two main fags (I call them my gbffs). Anyways, one of them likes to be very affectionate and lovey-dovey/touchy-feely with me and the other one doesn't (he's the freaked`out`at`all`things`female type). Well all of my friends and family members question why I'm more "playful" with the first gbff and not the other, insinuating that there's more going on between us (same thing that happens with you). No matter how much I try explain why my social interactions with my two gbffs, they still seem skeptical. So like you said, some people just can not and will not understand. We just got to live with it...

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Re: From my own personal experience
[info]lilibelle3
2008-06-23 01:17 am UTC (link)
Thanks for your comment! I totally agree with what you said, it's true not everyone will understand. I guess sometimes I forget to listen to myself! I actually have two main gbfs too, but am more connected with one because we know each other longer. I cherish and value these friendships so I will learn to live with the skepticism, since I have every intention to continue being friends with my gbf's.

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[info]blahkat21
2008-07-01 02:53 pm UTC (link)
my family has never really understood my fag hag relationships. It usually took me being graphic for them to understand. I had to be selective with what information I told my family about my friends. It only confused them more.

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[info]lilibelle3
2008-07-01 10:51 pm UTC (link)
I def think it is difficult for people to understand how unique & special the relationship between a gal and her gay(s) can be. One of my friends was questioning me, but she was trying to understand and she did point out that if it were a female friend instead of my male gay friend there would be no concern. I found that interesting. I guess people have difficulty comprehending that men and women can be intimate friends without sex. I think that "fag hag" type relationships do not conform to traditional expectations and therefore most people just don't get it.

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