Whatever it takes

I am sorry. I really am. Seeing your face like this – broken, hurt – it kills me inside. I’m sorry, I want to say. Because that’s all you need to hear to come back to me. I can’t. Every time I want to say these words out loud they seem to get stuck in my throat and all I come up with it some lame excuse to leave the room. It hurts to see you like this. It hurts to know that it was me who put you in such misery. I want to tell you I love you. I want to tell you I need you and that I’d do everything for you. I always turn around and go.

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go

Two weeks since I saw your face the last time. A month since I saw that blending smile of yours. The one that makes my heart jump and my breath catch. You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I never told you that. I never told you anything at all. I tried to make you understand that I can’t. That I can’t take the risk of getting hurt. I took it too often in the past. One too many times. You said that I didn’t love you. I do. That’s what scares me the most.

But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

I bury myself in work. Not that that’s anything new. But now I do it because I have to keep myself busy so I don’t have the time to think about you and not because I want to. Everything about you drives me crazy. Your smile, your eyes, your body. I’m about to grab yet another case file when my mind finally understands what my heart knew all along.

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I see your door swing open, I see you standing there looking like you are going to throw yourself at me any second. If it’s to kill or kiss me I can’t tell. The hope in your eyes makes me want to turn around again. I want to run away so badly. I will disappoint you. I will keep screwing up. I just don’t know how to handle this. Love. You don’t close the door. You just stand there and wait. And for the first time in a lifetime I open my mouth and talk. Not only speak, talk. And your smile is all I need to believe in what I say.