I went to Best Buy and bought, like, a buttload of new keyboards.  The cashier stared at me like I was insane and asked me what my problem was, so I lied and said that putting keyboards down your pants can cause orgasms (he believed me and kept thinking about trying it once his shift ended).  But anyway, the keyboards are hidden in UNIMAGINABLE places, so you'd better not go looking for them, Jasper.  And, uh...the Vegas thing ain't gonna happen.  I guess it would've been smarter not to put my plans on the Internet.

The reason I haven't been able to write here as often as I'd like to (i.e. whenever something particularly angsty occurs, AKA every ten seconds) is because of some very exciting news.  WE'VE STARTED A BAND.  And when I say 'we', I mean myself and my siblings.  Alice is the lead singer, Jasper plays guitar, Emmett plays bass, Rosalie's got drums, and I, of course, play the keyboard (as in the piano-like instrument that can play a bajillion different sounds, not the item that people use to masturbatetype with).  I'm also the songwriter, so here's a little something I've put together for us to play:

Look at me
I wear Louis Vuitton because my sister shops
For all of my clothing
But people think
Vampires should be tough
But Bella knows
That beneath my cashmere shirt
There's an unbeating heart
That feels a lot of angst

What's with these vampire myths?
Garlic's fine, but I can kill with a kiss
Why do I have a reflection
When Dracula does not?

Now I have
One person who makes my life
Worthwhile for the first time
But we can't
Have sex because I'm too strong
And manly
And my penis of steel could kill her

What's with these vampire myths?
Garlic's fine, but we can only kiss
Just because the sex is good
Doesn't mean it's worth her life
Why do people think that we
Aren't allowed to be angsty?
Being hot doesn't mean
Your problems vanish

There's sexual frustration in 
My pants
I yearn for the day that she
Will understand

Why is my angst so forgotten?
I am strong, but still downtrodden
Why does no one even care?
About my angst at all?
I can't even slit my wrists
Knives don't cut marble
I'll never cease to exist
Why is it that, in the end
I always lose?

Why do I have a reflection
When Dracula does not?

Yeah, so the rhyming's a bit off, but I think it's really good, even IF Jasper says it sounds eerily similar to Christina Aguilera's Reflection.  It's just because I'm a genius.  SPEAKING OF WHICH: I've had a brilliant idea!  Bella can be in our band and play the electric triangle!  Oh, how wonderful!  TRIANGLES ARE REALLY FRIGGIN' HARDCORE, MAN.  And so is she!  Sa-weeeeet!  I've got to go take this off to Alice to see how she likes it!

Love ya lots,
Edward

(If you have to urge to sing along to Edward's completely original song, here's the background music for you.)

AGH.  I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.  

THEY'RE THROWING ME A BACHELOR PARTY.

Stupid vampires.  They keep saying, "Oh, but it's tradition, Edward.  You can't get married without getting a lap-dance first!"  Do they not understand my undying devotion to Bella?  Can their puny minds not grasp the fact that only woman I'll ever need is Bella?  I hate them all!  How can Carlisle allow this?  How can he just sit there and let them throw this stupid party for me?

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH IT PAINS ME TO BE AWAY FROM MY DEAR, SWEET ISABELLA?  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  MORE RAGE.  I DON'T CARE IF JASPER TAKES OFF THE CAPS LOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'M ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Oh, Bella!  I can only hope that you will not be upset with me for what they're going to force me to do!

WAIT.  I HAVE AN IDEA.  Bella and I will run off to Vegas!  Sorry, Alice, but you asked for it.  NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US ON THIS CRAZY, CRAZY RIDE.  

And I'm totally planning on taking Emmett's tiara with us.

Fare thee well,
Edward

P.S. No, Jacob, you can't come along for a sexy, sexy threesome.