hi guys,

i thought what would be helpful for me and hopefully others, is maybe sharing a few reasons we genuinely *want* recovery from any ED or symptom(s) we may be struggling with. sometimes its so easy to relapse or get back to those 'safe' behaviours but then i realize, if i am doing that more and more, it's only taking me further away from my own life and all its possibilities! so, just to keep things in perspective, i thought i would share my main reasons for continuing recovery in the first place (because let's face it, there are definitely moments each day when i'm like, okay why should i give up ED especially when its all i've had for years?)

ok so here are my reasons and i'd love to hear yours too =) i always like hearing about what people envision and dream to achieve in their lives



1. something i've wanted to do for years is teach abroad. i'm considering either South Korea or Thailand right now, and if i enjoy the experience i'd like to continue doing so. i need to be healthy enough so they'll actually let me stay in their country! and see me as a teacher who is capable of teaching these adorable kids. =)

2. i want to be able to experience these different cultures without having rules about ED hold me back - ED limits my ability to experience life in so many ways and there's just SO much life out there waiting to be discovered!!

3. this is perhaps my biggest reason for recovery: I want to become a psychologist who specializes in treating eating disorders, so that one day i can help another truly recover just as I have. I want to be able to show them, yes recovery is possible, and hopefully inspire them too!

okay your turns =)

( I'm new :) )

EATING DISORDER
* An explanation of your e.d.:  I was diagnosed with Disordered Eating... however, not technically an eating disorder. Haha. Whatever. It hurts the same
* How long have you had it?: Going on 4 years
* Have you received any treatment for it?:  Therapy and dietician
* Have you been in recovery?: umm nope
* Do other people know?: Yes. My mom and dad worry constantly and some of my friends know.
* What do you want out of recovery?: I just want to stop thinking about it constantly. I want to be free...
* What holds you back from recovery?: Wow. That's a great question. I've really been trying but when it's front and center in your mind, it's hard to get rid of.

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH
* Any other mental illness?: mild depression
* Any medications?:  nope
* Any other self-destructive habits (like self-injury, substance abuse, etc)?: nope
* Are you currently in therapy?: no

OTHER UNRELATED STUFF ABOUT YOU
* Are you in school?: I'll be a freshman in college in the fall
* What kind of music do you like?: Dave Matthews Band, Jack Johnson, Sara Bareilles, Rascal Flatts, John Mayer, The Goo Goo Dolls
* What's your favorite color?: I like all of the colors.
* What's a hobby you have?: Acting... but memorizing lines stresses me out, which really sucks because I go back to my eating problems when I'm stressed.
* If you could live anywhere, where would it be?: Texas :D It's so warm there
* Your favorite quote: Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Fear not. I have gone to the very depths for you. I will not let you fall. I am with you to sustain you.

I love having friends :) Please add me.

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I was upset with my boyfriend earlier. Instead of skipping lunch, I ate. I know its a little thing, but normally when I'm upset I don't eat

Hi... so I'm not really sure of anything. If I have a problem to begin with and if so if I want to get better. If my bf really want's me to gain weight (he gave me a gain-or-I'll-leave-you ultimatum of sorts) or if he is just testing my willpower and self control and really does want me to continue loosing weight. Is he lying to me or am I lying to myself?

I have no idea what to do or what to feel about anything, but ( here's an intro )

i've been away at school for the past year, and was doing fairly well, ed-wise, but the combination of being on my own and not having anything to do during the summer has caused things to go downhill very badly.
it got to the point where my doctor, dietitian, and therapist were/are extremely worried about me, and i was forced to choose between coming home or going into hospital, or an inpatient treatment program.
i chose to come home; i really hope the extra support will allow me to get healthy in time for september (my doctor threatened to not let me come back to school if i don't put on weight).
i have so many reasons to get better: school (i'm really excited about the courses i'm taking next semester), and my wonderful boyfriend topping the list (i feel like i can't put as much into our relationship as he deserves because i'm stuck in the disorder).
i'm just so scared; i seriously need to gain weight in order to be healthy, and to do this, i'm going to have to break a lot of my rules and fears, and get out of this downward spiral, and that is absolutely terrifying.

any encouragement or kind words would be muchly appriciated.
thank you.

hi guys, just something i really need to be reminded of while i'm trying to recover...

i'm gaining although slowly, but still underweight. i wanted to know, is it really true that if i am underweight, i need to be eating a lot more than any normal individual? more than my mom, dad, brother etc? (all of them are at a normal weight and they are not trying to gain/lose.) i have heard this, but on the other hand i've heard people say it's not about *how* much you eat, it's the time of day, or it's about the exchanges, so i get very confused on this. is it true that we need a certain number of calories, all of us, just to lie around and do absolutely nothing?

my friends just graduated highschool and are registering for their first semester of college and are enjoying their summer vacation.

and what am i doing?

i dropped out of highschool over 6 months ago, i've already failed two semesters of college and im just now having to come to terms with, at 18, the fact that i may never have a career or make it through a whole semester of college due to an incredible inability to handle stress at all, and falling into crippling depression.

having to deal with the fact that i may never have 6 months in a row where i don't consider killing myself because i can't handle the epic battle with bulimia and the fact that i may never get rid of it so i just have to live with these stupid voices that call me names and yell at me for eating low calorie fat free foods and not staring myself efficiently.

i've been on just about every medication available. and i just now found a psychiatrist i really like and i can't stay with him because im moving so that robbie can go to school because -i can't- and we need one of us to have a career and make money.

nothing has worked.

god, i don't want to be like this forever. i can't stand the rabid insanity perferated with lucid moments during bad days.

ill be happy then i have a bad day and i tell myself it's just a day then the days turn into weeks and then months and suddenly i realise i can't get out of bed again and i've quit my job and the world is ending every time i wake up so i just sleep.

but im holding on to everything for dear fucking life right now. im keeping my part time job even if it means i do spend my breaks in the bathroom crying. as long as no one knows it's fine. i will keep working and i will stay at least mildly functional. even if i start purging again i will remain.





has anyone else here been on nearly every medication out there with no relief?
im bipolar II and i've only really been manic once or twice. i typically stick around hypo mania. but the depression, it's unbearable.

shiiiit I'm scared I'm scared of tomorrow, I'm scared of Sunday, I'm scared of the far future this is the first weekend I get off of my iop, and I don't know how well I can do. I gained weight last weekend, but I'm going to a birthday party this weekend and I don't know if I can manage cake and pizza and such

If I make it through the rest of today, I will have four days without binging and/or purging. I'm going to a party tonight where there will be lots of food, SO I'm going to update how it went later to keep me accountable. Also, I'm going to call someone if I want to overeat. Wish me luck!

i've been eating pretty well this past week - probably not as much as i should but i am getting there. lately after eating i find myself being lethargic and falling asleep, and this has been explained to me in two ways:

1. my body is not used to all the glucose it has in it and is sending all my my blood flow to my stomach.

2. my body is actually digesting my food, compared to just storing it - i.e. i'm getting out of starvation mode and i haven't adjusted.

whatever it is i am miserable right now ... at first the extra food made me more relaxed and i felt healthier. now i feel disgusting and like i've lost control over everything - which is terrifying because to the rational part of me that screams relapse. i keep thinking that i want to lose weight and i know how ridiculous that is considering that it would put my health in danger, as well as spiraling me into a cycle of if i just lose that much more... there is no perfect weight, no magic number that will make going back into the "world of the living" any easier than it will be right now. and i have to re-enter the world and learn to love myself and connect to other people ... as human beings we are a communal animal and i can't deny that any longer. if i keep this solitary lifestyle the absolute pathology of my eating disorder will override whatever sensibility is left and it might take me a very long time to come back.

i have to deal with my problems and become an actual person and for some reason that is more terrifying than night sweats, palpitations, and secreting ketones.

i am so scared and angry and absolutely horrified of losing control. it is tried and true: the only facet of my life that i have ever felt i had some say over is how much food i put into my body.

and the word that keeps jumping into my thoughts is angry angry angry over and over again, a carousel of emotion i don't even understand.

Hey everyone. I just joined a few minutes ago. I figured I'd just write a bit instead of doing the survey.

I'm Stephanie, 21 (22 on Sept. 11th... eek!), from New York, and am a college student.

<lj-cut text="My story, more about me">I have had my eating disorder since I was 17, when my mom had her own mental breakdown and was put in the hospital. It's hard to believe it's been 5 years. I grew up overweight and was medically obese by the time I was 17. Once my mom left, I took on the mom role of the house and took care of everyone but myself. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight and within a year I was underweight. I was never formally diagnosed as anorexic, but I had every symptom. Then I started bingeing, and that led to bingeing and purging.

Everyone--family, friends, neighbors--knew something was wrong, but no one talked to me about it. I finally broke down and told my dad everything. I went into recovery and started going to Renfrew in Ridgewood, NJ (anyone been there?) last January. The first time around I was there for about two months. I gained a lot of weight and although I was purging less, I was still bingeing. I went back into recovery in May and was there until August. I have purged once since then, rarely binge anymore, and I don't restrict.

I don't know where I would be right now if I didn't reach out for help. I met some of the most incredible women throughout this journey and people have been more supportive than I ever thought they would be.

I guess I'm here because although I seem to be on the right track, I'd like to make sure of it and be able to have support if I need it. Plus I'd love to meet other people who are going through the same thing as me.

Other stuff about me:
I have a background of self-destruction besides my ED. I have dozens of scars from cutting myself since I was 13, I've been in the psychiatric multiple times, and have overdosed many times. I'm currently on Abilify and Lamictal to help balance me out and am seeing a therapist.

I'm an artist, I'm going to school to get my BFA in graphic design, I love my golden retriever beast of a dog, I love sushi, I read a lot of Stephen King and Dean Koontz novels, I love 90s rock (seen Third Eye Blind 3 times and Eve 6 twice), I've moved around a lot (Kentucky, Connecticut, California, New York), I grow sunflowers every summer, I enjoy running and swimming, I hate driving, I have way too many stuffed animals for someone my age, I have gone skydiving, and I used to want to be an astronaut.

Also, I tend to babble a lot when I'm writing, as I'm sure anyone who actually bothered to read all of this can tell. :)

Finally, my favorite quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss
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I've finally reached a place where I feel I need help. My weight isn't dangerously low (I'm technically overweight now actually), no one has found out or confronted me about my ED, and it hasn't ruined any of my friendships or relationships.

But I hate myself. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being depressed and anxious and miserable all the time. I'm tired of purging, of exercising until I think I'm dying, of feeling faint, and feeling like a worthless failure on a regular basis. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I want to love myself.

~Isabelle

Well for the first time in a while I don't have that one boyfriend that just knows about my anorexia and things. Now I've started dating another guy. What do you all do when you date someone and well like we go out to dinner and sometimes its just a bad day for that ya know? Also it was weird when I got really tired because my heart still isn't what it should be and I mean any normal 18 year old would be fine. I just don't know what to say. I don't want to lie but I don't want to just tell all either. I am in recovery but my health isn't that great and I still have bad days. I don't know really what to do?

i have been taking nortriptylene 10 mg for a while in combination with lexapro and clonopin for my depression/anxiety. since i have been experiencing side effects with the lexapro (sleepless nights, nightmares, etc.), i decided to check in with my psychiatrist. he decided to increase the nortriptylene to 25 mg, but now i am scared because every side effect i see listed for this med is WEIGHT GAIN. i know weight gain is a part of recovery, but i don't need to be taking a med with such a side effect; if i gain weight, it will be on my own accord, not due to the side effects of a medication. i did not experience, to my knowledge (since i haven't weighed myself since high school) any weight gain while on the 10 mg of nortriptylene (i am weighed backwards when i see my pcp), but more than double the dose concerns me in terms of this particular side effect.

i have been on pretty much everything but paxil (he was going to prescribe this to me but then thought about upping the nortriptylene instead). i was recently on celexa (for like the third time in my life), but noticed a decrease in sexual drive, so that's why i went to lexapro.

this is so infuriating. anyone have any ideas/suggestions/comments, all are welcome. i wish i could just get off all meds.

today was a good day, as far as food was concerned: i didn't obsessively count my calories, i ate what was very healthy, and i ate until i was full. although i am full of anxiety right now because of my large dinner i am sitting still and letting it digest before i go running.

i'm trying to calm my mind and let it know not to start panicking; i'm trying to calm my body and let it know that it can use this food as fuel, because more will be coming into it tomorrow.

i'm reminding myself that my runs are for exercise, relief, and pleasure, not only a mechanism of burning calories.

i'm reminding myself that i am not a failure, a glutton, a disgusting person for eating ... i am made of a molecular structure whose existence requires nutritious food to function properly, so that my mind and spirit can perform to their best abilities.

i'm reminding myself that i can not lose any more weight - if i do i will start putting my health in serious jeopardy. and even once i do get down to where the scale says exactly what i want it to, that will not be low enough ... in that cycle, no number will be low enough until i am dead.

i'm reminding myself that my desire for normalcy is fantastic and that there is no reason i can't change; i can grow into a girl who eats without feeling guilty, who loves and cares for herself, and is full of confidence, even if the world doesn't see how great she is. i can grow into a girl whose beauty is so diaphonous and exuberant within that it seeps through her skin and glows like a reflection of light onto a mirror.




i am terrified to return to a world of feeling: a world of sexuality, passion, emotion, friendship. it is so much easier to be obsessed with myself, and how little food i put into my body. i want the strength to be able to change and to go out into this world whole.

Okay, so I've been in recovery (and I mean real recovery, not just telling everyone that I am while secretly doing everything I can to lose weight) for six months now - longest I've ever lasted and scary as HELL. But worth every minute. Here's some reflections on my experience so far.

Reflections on Recovery....Six Months on

 

Eleven Things I have realised/gained in recovery

 

1.      I love my cats more than I love anyone!

2.      I don’t actually like diet coke or grapefruit, and never really have, despite them once being my staple diet.

3.      People will let me down and this will hurt. I must remember that no one is perfect and everyone has their own battles to fight.

4.      No one can be there for me ALL the time, sometimes I just need to face things alone and I am strong enough to do this.

5.      I am loved. People don’t need to constantly tell me or show me this for it to be true.

6.      I have great reserves of strength inside me that will last a lifetime.

7.      Perspective, that which I lost and thought I’d never find again.

8.      Interests, in things other than weight loss/calories etc. Interests that move me and motivate.

9.      Confidence in myself, confidence that sustains no matter what is going on around me.

10. I am more comfortable in my body that I have been in my entire life (I’m 26) now that I weigh more than I have done in years.

11. There is beauty in everything, if only I am prepared to see it

How do I get over the shame and embarassment to admit to my doctor that I'm dependent on laxatives?

so today, my dad, after telling me how rotten of a person i was, and how i should feel so guilty for having this ED and wrecking everyone's lives, he wants to throw me into the hospital, very much so. I do *NOT* want to go into inpatient treatment. but i'm struggling because i've seen nutritionists, i've seen therapists, and none of them have really given me a set 'plan.' nor do they really seem to help with any of the emotional aspects either...so i'm just sort of..venting here, i guess. i am really frustrated and sad and feel so alone, scared, etc..i need structure with this. why do i need the eating to be so symbolic? why must i use eating to define myself? and how to gain weight, did you find that eating many times during the day was the *only* way to gain weight? will this take me months, no matter what i do? is it a very long, arduous process?

i'm terribly sorry, if this post seems very confusing and hard to follow. i'm just not sure what to do at this point...i mean, obviously eating is the answer, but there's just too much unstructured energy surrounding me which is making it very difficult. my parents, especially my dad, he wants me to eat with him all the time but this is the most triggering thing for me and it incites fear in me...because i've had so many bad memories of him and my mom screaming, trying to force me to eat whatever. so, i'm not sure what exactly i'm asking anymore lol, i guess i just needed a safe place to vent momentarily. i'm so thankful i have this place, and all of you.

i just cannot fathom how, in any scenario: inpatient, outpatient, at home, at a school, wherever - how can people think that by forcing one to eat, in the midst of all these people just sort of sitting there watching, scrutinizing, waiting to comment: how can this be positive or helpful? how can this allow for one to relearn the joys and pleasures of eating?