I am an addict

Thanks for the well-tasted community.

Wed, 07 May 2008 02:58:20 GMT

I was looking for a community that wasn't all "fuck yeah drugs are cool!!!" and also one that wasn't all AA-big book-sober. I just wanted something where I can be honest. Becasue I'm a heroin addict. And it's never really one way or the other. Some days I have a needle in my arm and some days I'm ready to stop. Today I have 3 days sober and the Suboxone is making me feel icky but it's better than bleeding on the floor on a NYC public bathroom like I was 3 days ago.

Anyway, I decided to take these first few days to clear my head. I'm starting a new journal and writing all about what I've really felt the last few years. It's always my parents and my friends whining about how much it hurts them what I'm doing to myself. I feel terrible but I want to scream WHAT ABOUT ME??? It's certainly not a field day. I have tried to get sober about a million times and I'm only 20 years old. It all started with the death of my brother so between that and the addiction following, there's a lot of crap I don't think I've ever said. And I've definitely never put i ton paper.

So here's my journal for that. The past I avoid talking about and the feelings I have a hard time pinpointing. But I'm in this community knowing that if I relapse again, I'm still a part of it. Because I'm an addict either way and I'm honest.

Jeanette. Alexandria, Virginia. 20 years old, female. IV heroin user. Coming off a New York 2 bundle a day habit. 3 days sober today. [Excuse the Adivan & Suboxone.]

I'm an Addict

Sun, 04 May 2008 21:50:39 GMT

Hello everyone,

I would like to take a few minutes to say hello and introduce myself as I am new to this community. I joined this community a few weeks ago, and usually upon joining I post but somehow I always held back for fear or maybe embarrassment, which ever it was I’m making myself post now. I’m just looking for acceptance, support, and new friends who know just what I am going through. I’m so tired of walking this path alone.

I’m 25 years old and I live my daily like in the tight grips of chronic pain. In 2004 I was diagnosed with my illness that has screwed my body over. My friend knew I was an avid blogger, I blog for a safe escape from pain, and it works so he invited me to sign up and I’m thankful I did because I met so many wonderful people thus far.

I feel that I’m putting this off, so I’ll just say it and get it out of the way “I am an addict”. Being in chronic pain each and every day I have turned to many escapes that have turned addictions (drugs and sex). 4 years ago I was involved in a abusive relationship that almost turned fatal to me, he hooked me on heroin and pimpped me out for money to support his own addiction. I walked away from the needle a year ago, on my own, I wish I could say I never went back and I could say that up until 2 weeks ago, I can stop heroin but no matter how happy I was about getting clean I’m sad to sit here and say I may of got clean from heroin with only one fuck up in almost 2 years. I just traded one addiction to another one, opiates. I’m in pain, I need them there isn’t anyway I see doing it without their help but I take way to many and to many and to many. Over and over it’s became my life.

The pain, has took so much from me I used to party I used to be active now I can no longer leave my house, I have no friends, pretty much I’m alone. I have horrid panic attacks from the pain, triggered by the pain or when I run out of pills. The doctor just put me on benzos(sp) I have took the Ativan but it didn’t work these are Klonoprin 1 mg (sp) I heard they are really addictive (never took them before or anything this hardcore for panic attacks) and I don’t need to trade another addiction for a new one.(To help with not taking as many of my pain meds as well as panic attacks btw) If anyone wants to add me feel free to do so, I’m so tired of walking alone in this life, blogging is my escape, and to be safe I live online, it’s the only way I know how to live. (also if anyone knows any fact about the new drug she prescibed me please any help would be nice, I took 1 so far and I felt fucking loopy, is this always going to be the feeling, do they work? if they do I could totally get used to this lol)

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:01:40 GMT

Can I just express how eternally frustrated by the act of being clean I am?

More than ever its feeling like a forced chore to me and I dont know why.

I realize now I never even wanted any part of recovery even the last time I went through treatment and maybe this is why I refuse to go to any sort of NA or drug counsilling.

This was forced on me. I just got into a huge argument with my mom (I live in the basement suite of my parents place beacuse I was saving up for rent having just graduated film school) because I told her about a shit load of oxycontin among other things and I confessed to having been loading up on them all of last year (which she didnt know and if she did she turned a blind eye) and she pretty much hit the roof...which in a way I expected it but at the same time not so much.

She went on about how selfish I was to have been throwing away all my hard work by taking fist fulls of pills. She asked me if the pills were all I had done...and I sheepishly admitted that no, I had used heroin a handful of times last year as well and just barely got lucky enough to not continue doing it.

She walked out of the room after that one.

To this day she does not understand that I got clean for OTHER people.

I have never once in my life gotten clean for myself...its always been because somoene has said to me

"You have to get your act together" "You cant keep doing this to yourself" "You need to let us help you" blah blah fucking blah.

Never once have I kicked because I wanted to.

NOT EVER.

Sure maybe deep down I want to finally be rid of it and of course I want to be healthy for my son who will be born in less than two months (too be clear I haven't used anything since I found out I was pregnant)

Its awful hard to do though with that monkey on your back.

while I proclaim to be sick of having this shit control me time and time again, I dont think I am really...and thats dangerous.

This is an uphill climb and I am constantly taking one step forward and two steps back

I dont know why this feeling has gotten so much worse lately.

I really would like to know though.

More so I want to know how you want to be clean because as I said...I dont think I've ever really wanted any part of this and its like I'm stuck in this place and I can't breath and its frustrating because I want to want to say clean but something is not letting me want it.

I just want that numbness I want to not fucking care any more...I'm so tired of fucking caring...its exhausting.

Recovery

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:39:53 GMT

I am a recovering addict (that includes alcoholic) of all sorts, make that an all-inclusive addict: there were never any drugs I would not consume in some manner, whether they be liquid, solid or gas. I used for a long time, and eventually heroin became my all consuming life blood, my love, my wife; truly, I married the needle. I lost everything I had: my friends, my family, my job, my education, my apartment, everything. I was a corpse, lying in my grave waiting for someone to shovel the dirt atop me and finish the job; I existed, I did not live, I merely existed from day to day, from moment to moment; I was the walking dead, the zombie, seeing no light to lead my out of the darkness.

But then, something happened, a sign from above - I was stopped, arrested, and as I was arrested, so was my addiction. I was bagged for felony possession (and because of my cooperation they dropped using a vehicle to commit a crime, paraphernalia (needle), and possession in a school zone) and taken away. I went to a detox, and started kicking. Little did I know that despite my 8 days in the detox, my body needed 25 days to kick heroin, that being 25 days before I slept a night. I would sleep for 20 minutes, maybe 40 a night. Things were bad, I was depressed, I was suicidal, and I was still in withdrawal weeks after stopping. But there was one constant, I was going to NA meetings, every day, sometimes 2. I started to work the program: get a sponsor, call people, get a network, and it helped; as I felt like shit all the time, I just went to meetings and dumped my feelings, I called people up and dumped how I felt, and miraculously, another gift from above was given me, sleep! After 25 days I slept a night and things began to get better. My parents allowed me to come live with them, I got an old job back, I signed up to start taking classes again in the summer and finish my degree, I even got an old friend back (a good one, one who refused to speak to me while I used - real, good tough love, the true kind that won't let you drag another down).

Today, I am clean for today, thanks to the grace of my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, and the work of Narcotics Anonymous. But the program isn't working merely because I show up, it works because I'm putting my life into it, because it GAVE me a life. Before coming to NA, I had nothing, and I had never lived; now, I am alive for the first time in my life. Inside, I am a child, I am emotionally unstable - I randomly start to cry like when listening to music; I have no real social skills - I laugh at uncomfortable things because I am socially awkward. But I am learning, I am growing, and all of these things can happen because I am no longer using, I am finally allowing myself an opportunity to be, just to simply be. The disease is still there, and I still crave, but I do not use, NO MATTER WHAT. All I can do is stay clean, right now, I can't worry about tomorrow, or even later on today, but I can control this moment here, and for once in my life I am in control, and I choose not to use, because all I ever did doing that was lose.

Asking for any advice.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:23:33 GMT

Hello everyone. I'm Erin. This is my first post here. I just joined because I've found myself in kind of a difficult situation that stems from drug abuse. Two months ago I started a relationship with a heroin addict. He had just gotten clean after being strung out for 1-2 years, I'd known him through mutual friends for quite a while, we fell for each other pretty hard pretty fast, he is a great person (all the heroin users I've met have been the sweetest people, why is that?) and, of course, I love him. Now, I'm sure you can see where this is going. He just told me he started using 2 weeks ago, apparently due to the bullshit he was going through with the community college and them not giving him the financial aid he needed to buy his books, and we were both on edge due to lack of sleep and he and I were both pretty stressed out and generally at our wits' end.

He successfully quit before (until now, anyway), and he says he wants to quit again for good, and I know that's true, and I know he hates it and himself for going back to it. I want to do what I can do to help him quit, and stand by him and show him as much support as I can.

Here is the thing. When he quit before, he was not in school or working, so he was able to quit pretty much cold turkey, and go through the withdrawals on his own. Now the problem is he can't do that this time around because he'd have to drop all his classes. This weekend he is going to try to find some ceboxine, so he can quit using and still stay in school. Thing is that it's extremely difficult to find. And every day he's still using will just make it worse when he finally finds some.

I'm here to ask for any advice as to what I can do to help him along and if there's anything I should not do. And I'm also wondering about holistic/alternative treatments that are available that he might use in case he can't find any ceboxine. There is this hippie health store in town that has a whole shelf of things that are supposed to help with heroin withdrawals, but they're kind of pricey. He is hesitant to spend loads of cash on herbs and for them not to work, which is totally understandable. I'm wondering if anybody here has first hand experience with any alternative methods? Which ones (if any) work? How well do they work? Which ones are bullshit that should be avoided? Are there any that would make withdrawal symptoms bearable enough that he could function enough to go to school?

angel of death

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:45:05 GMT

Cocaine.
any opinions on it ?
good bad ?

Pcp.
any opinions ?
good bad ?

Roofies.
any opinions ?
good bad?

Ecstasy.
any opinions ?
good bad ?

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 18:42:44 GMT

i'm almost 4 months pregnant,have drank probably 10 times,and i fucking hate myself.its one thing to fuck up my life but not my baby's.i'm done.fuck this shit.

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 01:56:36 GMT

heyyy everyone, i'm new here. i plan on posting more in the future, but right now i actually need a favor from some of you. if you can help me out, i'd greatly appreciate it.

i'm doing a research project in my sociology class - about what factors of life/socialization affect drug use, and part of the project is to conduct a survey.

i have created a survey and posted it on my journal [0012230208], and i would greatly appreciate if some of you could take time and fill it out for me. your answers will be confidential and anonymous/screened commenting is completely allowed. keep in mind this isn't just for those with addictions, but also for those with a lot of experience who feel that they have a lot to share.

i understand that some of you may not want to talk about that kind of thing, or just tell all of this to a complete stranger - believe me, i know. and for some of you, it's really not easy to talk about. i've been on and off heroin for 4 years now, and i know how admitting some of these things is hard sometimes. this is completely optional. if you do decide to do it, thank you so much, it reeeeeally means a lot to me!

to the mods: i'm sorry if this post isn't allowed - let me know, and i'll take it down.
to everyone else: i really hope you help me out, and i'll talk to all of you soon.

[x-posted, majorly. sorry about that.]

In Recovery

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 15:59:09 GMT

Six a.m., April 18 1997 I *came to* in pain so excrutiating I knew without a doubt I could never describe it to anyone, ever. But, I also figured I would likely be dead by sundown, so ... a non-issue really. I'd been seriously trying to drink myself to death for almost 2 years by then, after a 12 year-long meth/coke/crack/booze binge.

That day, after constant convulsions, world-class DT's/shakes, projectile vomiting bile 13 times & unable to speak or move for about 10 hours, I made the decision to try to live. Couple days later I was able to get out of bed & shuffle to a 12-step meeting. Which I hated. But returned to the next day (& the next, & the next, etc... )

I battled suicidal thoughts & severe depression for about the first 5 years of my sobriety, (though my life was getting better the whole time), finally finding help with an anti-depressant Rx. This summer I got off it - with almost no episodes of depression since.

Recently I coughed up $250 to a naturopathic doctor to have my neurotransmitters tested. Not surprisingly my seretonin levels & my GABA are very low, though my dopemine is okay now. In fact, my life is getting pretty amazing & I'm now a published poet & writer, in love with an amazing man whose managing to get sober finally too.

I just wanted to post because I've been reading y'alls stories, & being reminding with agonizing clarity what it used to be like for me. Most people don't think about how much drugs fuck up not just your body, but your brain chemistry - so badly usually that getting clean, initially, can feel like a nightmare you just can't get through. But there is help, emotionally, spiritually AND physically, if you can find the right people.

If you really want to, you'll find them - they'll just start to APPEAR in you life. And if you really want to be clean, then do the work - it is SO fucking worth it. I can be reached thru email at www.MySpace.com/mmmeow (linked on my Lj profile). I'd love to hear from anyone who needs to talk.

xo ~ Casey

conformation that i am totally pathetic.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:41:47 GMT

i am an alcoholic and an addict.i'd like to say that i am also something else,because i hate those titles,but they're what apply.i've just gotten thru withdrawls from benzos,tho i was drinking the whole time,and today,after 1 day sober ,i had an interview,cancelled it and went up to get a pint.i won't tell my fiance because he's also an alcoholic/addict,and is ready to try and quit,we went to aa sunday,and we're going today,and thursday.i feel like shit going because i'm not sober.i'm not wasted,but i wont have been sober.i figure if i keep going 3 or more days a week that i'm going to have more motivation to sober up.my fiance had over 100 days last year after checking himself into detox,inpatient treatment,and then to a halfway house.he's been through the process,i havent.i've had 5 weeks outpatient after an 8 day stint in the behavioral health ward after a dui in april 2006. didnt help me.i was tested 3 times in outpatient and was positive for coke and pot every time.i do not know what i need to make me quit.i have a future with a man i love to death,i have a beautiful 10 year old daughter,a supportive family that i've put through hell.the longest sobriety i had was between 16 and 17 while i was pregnant with my daughter.thats it.i'm now 27,i'll be 28 in march.i dont want to be 40 sobering up.i never thought i'd have gotten so hopeless.the only progress i've made in the last 4 months is geting away from coke and heroin,and getting off benzos.i still have so far to go.i just thought i'd post here because it felt like a good idea.

fuckin help here....i'm about to fuck up.

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 17:09:25 GMT

fuckin help here....my mans gonna get a bunch of oxy and i KNOW how it is.i used to do it and LOVE it and he hasent done it and i dont want him to.I want to ,but i dont...ya know.i'm an addict.i cant take it or leave it.if he gets 50 i'll do up 30 in a few days if there 20 or 40's.if there 10's i'll do up 2 -3 at a time.help me out here....i been drinking and smoking weed but this drug shit i cant take.i'll be long gone.THANK GOD COKE HASENT COME UP.i'd be in the psych ward within a month.just bitchin.sorry folks...

Xanax

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 06:59:11 GMT

Is there anyone here who knows a lot about Xanax?

I have been taking .25 since the summer; it's only been about four months. However, I am already starting to see signs of dependency. I used to take Xanax a couple times a week, but I have begun to "need" them daily. When I skip a day, I get terrible withdrawals: tremors, chest pains, headaches, and panic attacks with heart palpitations (which are the reason I take them in the first place!)
I really need help, I think. I am going to a clinic tomorrow, so hopefully they can help me, but I would still like to hear from someone who has experienced this firsthand. How can I safely withdaw from Xanax? I know people taper their doses, but how can I do that when I am on such a low dose? Do I need a pill cutter?
I have some beta blockers that I could take for the heart palpitations while discontinuing the Xanax. Is this safe? An ER doctor was telling me that I should not take beta blockers at my age (I'm 22), but then again, she was the same doctor who was suggesting that I take Xanax daily.

I hope someone here can give me some information. I will really appreciate it.

losing my mind...

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 18:53:33 GMT

i'm bipolar,and pop pills (xanax,valium,ativan,any benzo or pain killer) and heve drank every day since i was 18,i moved outta minneapolis to get away from my ex and the drugs,i was into coke and E and twords the end heroin. the longest time i've had sober was 23 days.and that was white knuckling it the whole way.I'm not sure if its the drugs or the bipolar but i'm losing it.i cannot stop drinking.i dont know how to live sober.i've been using for so long.it terrifies me.i've tried AA and NA and it just dosent stick.i might have a day,maybe 3 if i'm lucky that i dont drink after a meeting.then i get stressed or manic and i need my mind to slow down.i actually downed a bottle of mouthwash when i first moved here,cuz i was telling everyone i was sober. i'd fucking kill for some oxy right now.the xanax isint cutting it anymore.i had a drunk, pilled out meltdown last night,i dont even remember it really.all i know is my boyfriend went out to get me flowers and fixed my cell phone i threw and broke.this is just a rant,i cant help anyone else.i have a 10 year old that i clash with .i have no job,i'm not sure i'm with the right person,i'm sleeping on my aunties couch,i have no car and i'm in a hick ass fucking town full of meth and coke.luckily i havent ran into it.i hate meth,but coke is my drug of choice.i cannot touch it.it was a year and a half ago i had a bad dui,bad week.i hit and run on 2 cars,then that weekend i sideswiped 2 and rearended another all 1 block from home.i have hardley any memory of this except my ex pulling me out of the car and shoving me between 2 garages.i had a 72 hr hold insted of jail,cuz they thought i was trying to kill myself,which i had been slowly doing,almost od'ing on pills for months.i bought 100 valium for 100 $ and took em all in 7 days.10's.theres a 2 month period i really dont remember.i'm sorry this is so long,but i needed to vent.i need to get sober.i feel like i'm gonna die or end up in the psych ward again.maybe the later is not a bad idea.thanks for listening if anyone wants to bother with my sorry ass.

hi

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 07:40:46 GMT

Im addicted to shit(aka meth). I havent been using it for so long but im already so addicted. I recently stopped using it and ever since then ive been so depressed and i crave it all the time. I even have dreams about it. I think that meth had a lot to do with my recent suicide attempt. I got so sad and angry that i was sure i didnt want to live anymore..atleast not with out meth.. I know i cant do it because my body cant handle it no more. I get hecka sick when i do it but regardless of that i still want it. Nothing matters. All the negative things about it seem to disapear. It is so fustrating so i guess thats why i joined this community to maybe find people who are going through the same thing. Maybe it can help me not fall into doing it again.

I'm new, and I rant a lot...

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 04:32:49 GMT

Hi, I'm Dillon and I'm not really sure if this community is for people like me.

I mean, I don't have any drug addictions myself, but my boyfriend does and I really don't know where to go to talk about it. I've browsed all through the communities and the closest I found was an AlAnon group for family and friends of alcoholics.

So, my boyfriend, Adam, has an addiction to Klonopin, a benzodiazepine (which is what Xanax is.)
He lies to his doctor and says that he has some severe anxiety disorder and that's how he gets his supply of klonopin.

Klonopin has ruined our relationship. He was no self-control or will power when it comes to it. For instance, yesterday he got a bottle of 90 pills (0.5 mg each) and today he only had 18 left.

Every time he takes them something bad happens to me. The first time, we were drinking and I decided to go to sleep while he stayed up and I awake to him texting my friends and telling them what whores and bitches and shit they are and when I asked him what his problem was he told me that I need to get out of his house. So, I text my mom and tell her to come pick me up and he takes me phone and throws it against the wall, breaking it to shit, and then texts my mom from his phone saying that everything's cool and that she doesn't have to come get me. Then, he turns to me and tells me to get the fuck out or he's going to beat the shit out of me and I start crying and packing my bag and he just keeps yelling at me telling me how i need to hurry the fuck up before he beats the shit out of me. And since I didn't have a car, it was 2 am and I didn't have any money I had to walk the 15 miles to my house while drunk off my ass.

Another time, while fucked up on Klonopin, I came over to his house to surprise him and he was smoking meth with his best friend while his best friend's 5 yr old was in the room.

Another time, I found all these text messages to someone else telling them how he was in love with them and wanted their relationship to work and all this stuff. He said he didn't even remember sending those and said he hadn't even talked to this person since way before we got together.

And a month ago he moved out because I flushed his klonopin so he stole my wallet and tried to flush it, knowing that my driver's license, social security card, all my cards, and pictures of friends and family would be ruined. We broke up over that but got back together because he promised me that he'd never take them again. I gave him the ultimatum that I would leave if he EVER took them again.

And then last night, he took 72 of them, called me in the middle of the night and told me what a piece of shit i am and how I'm so much worse than his ex-wife and how my life's not going anywhere because I don't have a job, a car, and I'm not in school. Even though I quit my job because I couldn't make the commute to work after he and I moved in together since I don't have a car, and I was working so that I could pay to go to school this fall. And he forgets that as long as I've known him he's never had a job, or a car, and he JUST got a job two weeks ago. I bought him everything he has, I paid his bills, I bought his cigarettes and that he only completed one semester of college FOUR YEARS ago.

And we got in a huge fight tonight because I'm so insulted and hurt that he'd so carelessly jeopardize our relationship just for one night of fun.

Being the fool that I am in conjunction with me being hopelessly in love with him, I of course didn't break up with him. And I realize that he has a problem and that I should help him with it instead of just leaving him fighting (if you consider what he does "fighting") it alone.

I've never had an issue with addiction so I really don't understand how he can feel so helpless and not have any self control.

What's the best way I can save my relationship AND my boyfriend?

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 19:07:05 GMT

hi.
this is my first post here, and idk if anyone will read it but i need to tell my story.

I am addicted to cocaine. Or I was.
I am 16, I started using in january, maybe i'd do coke once a weekend, it wasn't too serious.
over spring break i did coke every day, and not just one 20 bag, maybe 2 or 3.
i started using coke 5 or 6 days a week. I narrowed down my friend base to a small group of friends, there were 6 of us, and all we did was get coke.
I have this friend,ben. we dated for two years and remained best of friends since we broke up. we used to talk every day,and always told the truth. the we started lying to eachother ( which drug users frequently do). It hurts me so bad to catch him in a lie, he started ignoring my calls and i would have to buy him coke to get him to talk to me, but sometimes when it was just me and him hanging out (we didn't always do coke) we would talk about how much we wanted to quit, and how annoying our habbits were getting. but infront of our friends ben was a mean, lying bitch.
I went on vacation with my family for 5 days and when i came back i found out that ben had bought 400 dollars worth of cocaine in 2 days and almost overdosed, he was vomitting and having a wierd heartbeat, but didn't go to the hospital. Ben is my rock, and he almost died.
The week after school ended my friends and i went and bought a ballgame from a shady place that we haven't visited in a while. we got pulled over, the cops had a lookout on the street. we were screwed. I had the cocaine on me and i am the only one getting criminal charges.
all my other friends are blaming it on me, making fun of me and kicking me while i'm down. not much of friends are they.
ben is not answering my calls, i've given up on my best friend.
i've lost everyone, my parents took away my driving privledges and two weeks ago i had my tonsils out, which took away what little social activity i had. I've been in too much pain to go out or work.
i feel really low, and all i wanna do is do alot of coke with my old friends, and be happy.

i did coke twice since i got arrested behind my parents' back. and when i woke up the next morning i physically felt horrible. relapsing has made me realize how bad coke isfor me, and how i need to cut this out of my life.

i need friends :)

you showed me how to do exactly what you do, how i fell in love with you

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 00:04:47 GMT

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I've done and said and written so much stupid shit.

In the midst of my pain, I didn't realize what I was saying. Many people said many cruel things to me, which I suppose I deserved. So I've been thinking about it.

I realize that this drug is destroying me. I realize i'm not ready to call it quits yet. I'm not going to surrender myself to the drug. Because I have a right and an obligation to get through this. I have a right to actually live my life. As hard as it is for me to believe, I know deep down that it's true.

I know I say stupid things. I make mistakes. I feel and act like a total fuck up. But I'm not a stupid girl. I'm just human. And we all fuck up.

I've been doing heroin for 3 years and this is the 4th time i've quit. It gets worse every time and no matter how much you think you know about it, you're never prepared when that pain hits you. And I know that my body can't take another blow like that. And I know that my mind can't either. There has to be an end to how much I can put myself through before I learn from my mistakes.

I don't want to let this drug kill me. Despite what i say, I'm not ready to die yet. I have to start looking at heroin as an enemy. Instead of a lover. It's not easy. Because I love her. And it's so easy to fall back into her arms again. And it would be so comfortable to just not care. But I can't do that anymore. I want this to be the last time i ever have to go through this. Because it's too much pain and too much sorrow. And there has to be something better out there that I'm missing out on. A whole life that I could be living instead of this one. And maybe I can learn to be okay without heroin. I really hope so.

So this is the entry to replace the last one that I erased. Because that last one was ridiculous. And this one.... well, i'll leave it up to you all to decide.

Let the cold winds blow, and let the chill freeze hell!!!!!

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:55:28 GMT

I think this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

This isn't the first time. I've been doing heroin for over 3 years. I've quit before. But this time, it feels different somehow. I don't know why. Other times, I felt fear that I'd never use again. Now I don't feel anything like that. I actually don't know what I feel. I only know it hurts. It hurts more than ever before. I thought nothing could be worse than the physical withdrawal pains. But now that i'm over that hump, I feel worse. My emotional state makes me unable to function. I have not gone to work , nor called my boss (my mom called for me on day 1 of my withdrawals because i was shaking, screaming, and vomiting and couldn't talk). But since I'm better now and I can talk, I should call him and at least let him know what's up. I'm considering quitting my job. But i'm too scared to decide that. So i'm just letting it happen by not going or communicating with them. I'm pretty sure if I just call them, they'll be okay with me taking as much time as i need. They are really great over there and they like me. But I can't do it. I don't know what to do.

I have never felt so depressed and so alone in my life. I feel like I have nothing worth living for anymore. I don't even want to go score. I don't care about anything. Not even about getting high. I'm used to having cravings and hating the world for keeping me from doing what I love. But this is different. I don't even care. I don't even crave heroin. I just crave death. Thats all. I just want to die. And i keep thinking of ways to kill myself. The balcony, the bathtub, razor blades, pills. I just can't bring myself to do it. I wish i could. More than anything, I wish i wasn't too chicken shit to end this miserable excuse for a life that i'm living. I can't do this.

I think maybe I'd want to be sober. But I'd much rather be dead. I think maybe I am dead. Inside. And that is why i feel so empty. I have no friends. No one to talk to. Nobody cares. My parents are pressuring me to make some sort of decison about what to do. I have some codeine that i've been taking for the pain in very small doses but even that is running out and I can't get more. I don't know what i'm doing and i don't care. I'm afraid to leave my bedroom. Really, I'm paralyzed by fear. I don't know why. I just know i'm terrifed. Will it always be like this? Will I never feel normal or human again? Do i have to always stay here wishing i was dead but not being able to make it happen. Is that what the rest of my life is going to be like. I can't even change out of my pajamas. I have no reason to. My mom keeps pushing me to go places with her, the grocery store, the movies, out for ice cream or to grab lunch but i refuse to go. I just can't imagine my life continuing. I can't just pick up where I left off and be okay. I don't think I can ever be okay again.

I think. Maybe. This time fucked me over completely. Maybe, this time ruined me more than any other time. Maybe, this time I'll never recover. I think maybe it's over for me. Maybe I'd be better off dead. Because this life has given up on me as i have given up on it.

Nobody cares. I have no one. I am more alone than i have ever felt in my life. I speak to myself, the dog, faces in the dark that i sometimes see. they aren't real. i know they aren't real. they never answer me. but what i need is to talk to someone. i'm going insane talking to imaginary faces in my dark room in the middle of the night after taking more than my recommended dose of sleeping pills.

I'm using livejournal as subsittute for people. Becuase i have no friends. i don't blame them. i hate me too. i have no one to talk to. no one cares. so i phost here. becaseu this is the only way i ca get this shit out and put it somowhere. i dont know what to do. if this situation doesn' timprove soon, i'm going to kill myself. I'm scared of dying but im tired of living in fear. I imagine it's so nice to be dead. LIke sleeping forever. which is what i wantt odo. I want to slee forever. Always and always..

I'm a drug addict and I need helpl I need serious help.

I need a freind.

I need someone to care.

But no one cares . No one cares at all. And when I die, no one will notice im' gone. Thtat' ss oka because i never wanted to hurt anyone!

I never wanted to hurt anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

quick question...

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 16:08:01 GMT

hello beautiful people.

: ]

my friends and i are all planning on taking mushies tonight. everyone has done them before, but they dont like to be outside when theyre tripping...which is totally weird because nature is amaaaaaaazing on those little mushies. BUTT here is my question. I have never done mushrooms inside before. I know that ill still have fun and everything, but what the hell is there to do inside on mushrooms. We were planning on smoking hookah, but im afraid somebody is going to get rowdy and knock shit over you know? I mean, obviously were going to listen to music and watch something gnarly and fractal on the television...but i mean...what else is there to do? You know how they have like those little games and tricks for when people are rolling? are there any for mushrooms?

thanks!

How do i begin to stop?

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 04:28:52 GMT

Im soo addicted to pain pills. vicoden, percs and codiene. How do i stop? Just throw them away and forget about them? Ive tried that and it doesnt work. It makes my night better if i have just one pill.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 20:09:07 GMT

Okay, I used to do coke sometimes and I haven't for awhile and I sort of lost touch with my connect (her stuff was good, but not always) and now I've been wanting to get some more stuff. But I can't find a reliable source! Coke is the worst drug to try to find when you're looking for the "good shit" or pure, so I was wondering how you met a reliable dealer? The person I get my x from doesn't sell it anymore and the person that sells ice and weed is always great but not what I'm looking for. Did you guys go to clubs and actually ask around? I'm too afraid to do that, but I really want to meet someone that can hook me up, so tell me how you met your someone reliable if you have someone. I'd really like to know because it's really starting to get on my nerves!

x-posted to _fucked and drug_talk.

when

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 03:45:06 GMT

will i be able to feel alright about it again?

when will i be able to watch a movie with drug content and not feel anxious?

when will i be able to look back on my time as a user and not feel
disturbed.

haunted.

if the answer is: never
how can i forget?

amnesia wanted.
let me be free of repulsion and
disgust.

If you or someone you know has ever used the good (bad) drugs, please help me earn my degree!

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 02:44:20 GMT

Hey, I'm doing a survey for a graduate-requirement research course regarding drug use. Please, your help would be greatly appreciated, as I need 150 respondents by February 9th.

Our sampling frame consists of individuals who have ever used or currently use an illegal drug besides marijuana. Whether or not you have used marijuana is included in the questions, but is not the focus of this project, so if the only illicit drug you've ever used is marijuana, don't worry about it.

If you or anyone you know has ever used an illegal drug, please click here to participate in our survey, or send your friend to this link:

http://FreeOnlineSurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=ngo5phfm26588z6256578

Your responses are completely anonymous, and data will not be shared with anyone except for our team members and instructor.

Thank you!

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 18:56:12 GMT

MODERATORS, your community information page needs revision.

NA

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 19:02:35 GMT

well ive been clean for 90days and it seems to be getting better...the main reason i wanted to post was because i never go to meetings...i used to alot when i was in rehab but then again they made us go so it wasnt me really choosing that path it was the rehab but for the most part i find the meetings a waste of time hearing ppl talk about everything that i would hear in group everyday in my mind i think meetings are just a replace ment for the hole most ppl have after they stop using and for the most part i dont think anything will ever fill the hole i have from my past addictions granted ive only been clean for 3months but i think if there is hope inside you that you wanna be clean then it will happen for people with out the hope rehab worked for me took me 3times but the last time i was there they made me relize i dont wanna be a dirty nasty low-life junkie living in pittsburgh the rest of my life...for me i think of heroin everyday its my one true love that i cant have but ive come to accept that...you just gotta really come to understand if you want to wake up everymoring (what ever your drug maybe) and worrie about the same fucking thing over and over and let that one thing live your life for you then i dont know what to tell you but if you want better for your self and your family and friends then you will get clean and nothing will stop you and thats the truth if you REALLY want better for your self you will do what ever it takes...you dont need some 12 step bullshit to tell you how to get clean every addcit knows all ready what to do and how to do it its just starting is the hard part...since i got out of rehab the last time ive had a much better understanding of what i want out of life and its not NA meetins its not DRUGS its life its self and some how the ppl i see that go to meetings or use drugs dont have a life... i tried to get clean other ppls ways (NA,REHAB,IOP,PROBATION,HOUSE AREST,JAIl) but nothing has worked for me better then just deal with life on its own terms and no matter how bad a day i may have it will be good again and no matter how good a day i have it will be bad again and i just deal with the new day as it comes and enjoy what i have left to live the only thing i do agree with from the meetings is its "one day at a time" i just want ppl to know there is life outside of drugs and there is life outside of meetings and you can still have a "normal" life without both of them