| The Thomas Recipe for Detox |
[27 Sep 2009|10:32am] |
Does anyone have a link to this entire process?
I can only find half of the instructions.
Thanks!
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[01 Jul 2009|05:10am] |
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so i dont know what you say on here. but i guess i want to be able to talk to ppl who can maybe relate some of the things im goin thru. first off, i got back with my ex who had been on and off the last five years [every breakup seems to crush me more, hes always txtin other girls and stuff behind my back] everybreak up has hurt me more, about 2 yrs into it i thot mayb there was sumthin wrong with me since he constantly went after girls who were skinnier and shorter, so i developed a bad eating disorder. that only made our relationship worse..
neways by the fifth year the eating disorder turned into a heavy drug addiction. the eating disorder helped me feel in control, but the drugs made it where i just didnt care. and plus i hated going thru what i went thru daily with issues with my appearance and the drugs i chose helped me stay skinny..
so back to where i started, i got back with him, slowly laid off the drugs, since now i have a whole new group of friends and hes the only sober thing i know.
i put everything into it, everything was goin fine. then i saw that he had been talking to a nother girl. it broke my heart. for the last time i cannot handle it. my drug addiction is getting out of hand, but im having a hard time staying sober, cuz it means not being around my friends, who are all wonderful, and have been there with me thru thick and thin. my ex and i were broke up almost a full year this last time before i got back with him, but slowing down on drugs means i want to fill that void with sumthin comforting, and he was it.
now im heartbroken, he says he just doesnt want me cuz he wants to date other girls to make sure im the one. im the only girl hes ever slept with , so i can understand that, but i dont know why he didnt think about that before.
now im heartbroken, depressed, and have started using drugs more frequently. i hate being alone, its all that sort of temporarily eases my pain...and keeps my eating disorder from returning.
sorry so long, but thats my story. im 21 im a female if you couldnt tell. and im having a hard time. just looking for new friends to relate to. thanks for reading this if you did, i know its boring, but i had to let it out sumwhere.
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| Meth Memoirs and the End of Anonymity |
[04 Jul 2009|07:44am] |
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In revisions on my Meth memoir, Speed Punk, I've just polished chapter 9 which is 17 double-spaced pages about the first time I shot up Meth. Fun stuff – the writing I mean, not the Meth … although, well DUH cuz, yeah… that was too, at the time.
I read every addiction memoir I can get my hands on – you could say I’m hooked on 'em, but well, that would just be stupid, so never mind. Anyway, it’s always fun when I’m reading a new one and the author manages to capture my exact feelings, especially regarding those increasingly elusive memories of the High. Like in Down and Out on Murder Mile, when Tony O’Neill, an ex-junkie, writes about preparing to shoot some dope he just scored with a friend. And this was it—this was beauty—no sickness, no worries, no nothing, except friends and the safety of heroin and the crack we were about to smoke and a whole day to waste—nothing but days and days and weeks to waste—no matter, life could not intrude into this sacred space. That was my perception too, a sick and twisted reality where I felt safe and my activities were sacred whenever I scored some crack or cooked up my own batch of rock in preparation of spending a day or two (or three) smoking it up in my boyfriend's $1.2 million pad while he was out on tour. Until the shame, guilt and paranoia crept in and the voices whispering from every single tree on our massive lot freaked me out so badly I had to crouch on the floor of the upstairs hallway with a gun I wasn't 100% sure how to use, gripped tightly in my little hand. Yeah... fun stuff alright.
Recently I went to a book signing at Austin’s uber-fabulous, locally owned bookstore BookPeople where father and son, David & Nic Sheff, did a couple very powerful readings from their respective memoirs. A few weeks later, while devouring these heart wrenching yet ultimately uplifting stories, I again found my own experiences and emotions very closely mirrored.
In his raw, wrenching, phenomenally personal account, Tweak, Growing Up on Methamphetamines, Nic Sheff writes,Growing up I’d heard, you know, never to do heroin. Like, the warnings were everywhere and I was scared – do heroin, get hooked. No one ever mentioned crystal to me. I’d done a little coke, Ecstasy, whatever – I could take it or leave it. But early that morning, when I took those off-white crushed shards up that blue, cut plastic straw – well, my whole world pretty much changed after that. There was a feeling like – my God, this is what I’ve been missing my entire life. It completed me. I felt whole for the first time. That quote pretty much sums up exactly how I felt the first time I did Meth, which incidentally I'd never heard of until about an hour before I did it, intravenously no less. Like Nic, I was afraid of heroin (the only drug I never used, though I eventually smoked opium a few times). Up to that point in my life I'd had pot, acid, mushrooms and Ecstasy a couple times each, but my "gateway drug" really was alcohol which, along with the cocaine I'd become addicted to 4 years later, also made me feel "whole."
Because Nic’s father David Sheff was a successful writer already, I probably looked forward to studying his style of writing more than reading this particular story, that of a non-addict dealing with the disease from the other side. And in fact his prose was as beautiful and brilliant as I could’ve possibly hoped, yet it was his story that captivated me, so much so that I literally couldn’t put his book down, night after night, almost falling asleep with it still gripped in my hands.
In Beautiful Boy, a Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction David recalls being taught in Alanon (a 12 step program for the loved ones of addicts), You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you cannot Cure it. He says he accepts the last two thirds of that statement but also that, I still don’t fully accept the initial C. Instead, I recognize that I will never know how much I caused or contributed to it...I don’t absolve myself—even now...I am so sorry. Now, I know parents don’t mean to fuck up their kids when they ignore them, brush them off, and otherwise erode their confidence by withholding love, acceptance or affection. It’s not usually with malicious intent that they emotionally abandon them or lash out at them under duress. But mistakes are made because parents are human and thus flawed, no matter how much their children want to believe they’re perfect – the very delusion that sets kids up for getting so hurt. Thinking that goes, "If Mom and Dad are gods, and they don’t like me or think very highly of me, well then those must be the facts, right? I'm unlovable, even worthless, I guess..." makes perfect sense, to a toddler.
Near the end of his remarkable and important book about the various manifestations of addiction, America Anonymous, Eight Addicts in Search of a Life, Benoit Denizet-Lewis says,If I believe anything about addiction, it’s that its roots can usually be found in childhood. (In one study of 872 boys, low self-esteem at eleven mostly predicted drug dependency at twenty.) Not every young victim of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse develops an addiction, just as not every addict had a terrible childhood. But if neuroscientists truly want to combat addiction, a good start would be to develop a pill that buffers kids against the struggles and mistakes of their families. In the 12 years that I've been informally studying addiction (not to mention my 15 years of "hands-on" research), it’s become clear there are 2 major contributing factors. One is a genetic predisposition – it really does run in families genetically, as in through “nature,” completely aside from the effects of “nurture.” The other factor is childhood trauma (here's the "nurture" part) and by that I don’t mean just the kind of shocking physical and/or emotional abuse you hear on the news, because to sensitive children, something as common as divorce or a lack of quality attention can cause a traumatic shift in the delicate, budding sense of stability or self-confidence a young child has managed (hopefully) to establish. Voilà – trauma. And while growing up with one of those 2 issues can contribute to future addiction, the odds increase dramatically when someone is saddled with both the genetic predisposition and childhood trauma.
I used to feel such shame for the pain I inadvertently caused my parents as an addict, but later I realized it was very likely equal to the amount of pain they inadvertently caused me as I was growing up. Depression and stress can make people act in ways that hurt their children in exactly the same way addiction causes children to act in ways that hurt their parents. It’s actually kind of a cool form of karma.
David Sheff says of his son Nic’s behavior, Often when he was using – his behavior unconscionable, his self-destructive course unfathomable and unstoppable – I felt, How could he do this to me? How could he do this to [our family]? ... [Then, after reading Nic's book] I learned anew that he wasn’t doing it to us. He was doing it to himself. We were innocent bystanders, collateral damage. In the book’s Afterward, David then delves into how our government is handling what many of us believe to be the biggest (costliest) problem our country faces.Testifying before the Senate Judiciary Subcommittee on Crime and Drugs in 2008, Leonard J. Paulozzi, M.D., MPH, an epidemiologist with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, summed: “The mortality rates from unintentional drug overdose have risen steadily since the early 1970s, and over the past ten years they have reached historic highs.” First-time users are younger, the drugs themselves are stronger, and there are many more types of drugs to abuse. Users can get their drug of choice whenever and wherever they want. Yet in spite of these facts, the federal government boasts that we’re making progress. Statistics are manipulated, misused, and ignored to mask the fact that we’re playing a zero-sum game, because addicts, unless treated, will find drugs.
The government’s handling of the problem would be laughable if the implications weren’t so disastrous. Four thousand Americans have died over the course of five years in Iraq, whereas more than twenty thousand die each year of drug overdoses alone, and that number continues to rise. In many regions of the country, overdoses have or will soon surpass automobile accidents as the leading cause of non-natural death. Consider the related tragedies that can result from drug use – crime, accidents, suicide, drug- and alcohol-caused illnesses, lost productivity – and you’ll begin to fathom the enormity of the problem, much of which is hidden.
It’s hidden because most addiction-related deaths are officially ascribed to other causes: suicide, homicide, auto and other accidents, heart attacks, hypertension, pulmonary disorder, strokes, and other brain hemorrhages, hepatitis and other infections, HIV/AIDS, liver disease, respiratory disease, kidney disease, septicemia, and on and on. Health insurance companies – and Medicare and Medicaid – often refuse to pay (or pay at a lower rate) for treatment of illnesses or injuries caused by drugs or alcohol, so doctors trend to report a diagnosis that will ensure payment. Thirty-two states still enforce statutes – the Uniform Accident and Sickness Policy Provision Laws, enacted in 1947 – that allow insurance companies to refuse to cover medical care in hospital emergency rooms if alcohol or drugs contributed to the patient’s condition. Also, payment of life insurance may be denied if drug or alcohol abuse led to death, so doctors and medical examiners do grieving families the “favor” of citing a death’s immediate cause – an accident or an ailment – rather than the underlying, primary one. And apart from these more practical reasons, addiction remains a secret because of the overwhelming shame associated with it. Last year, when the scion of a prominent Midwestern business family died suddenly, newspaper accounts cited the cause of death stated on the coroner’s death certificate: injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident. The lethal dose of heroin in the young man’s bloodstream was never mentioned.
While we go on denying the ubiquity of addiction, we marginalize and stigmatize its victims. According to a national survey called The Face of Recovery, one quarter of the people in recovery have been denied a job or a promotion or have had trouble getting insurance; seven in ten reported that they had experienced shame or social embarrassment. In our society, addicts are viewed as having a character deficiency rather than a serious illness. We ignore their condition except to criminalize it and the dangerous behavior it can lead to. In addition, the threat of arrest and prosecution make it less likely that addicts will admit their problem and seek early treatment. So the disease progresses, making it more likely that addicts will become criminals, often dangerous ones.
We fail miserably when it comes to education about drug abuse and addiction. The week-long education sessions provided at school pale – in quality and quantity – in comparison to messages that promote use and abuse. We fail at prevention too because we’re inept at diagnosing and treating the psychological and social problems that create fertile ground for addiction. “A presentation on the dangers of drug use will have little impact on the likelihood that a child who is experiencing depression, anxiety, learning disabilities, eating or conduct disorders, low self-esteem, or sexual or physical abuse or neglect, or who has no hope for the future, will self-medicate with drugs and alcohol,” writes Joseph A. Califano Jr., the former U.S. secretary of health, education and welfare, in the book High Society.
Stigma and prejudice have also curtailed financial support for research into addiction. As a result, few effective treatment options have been developed, and thus addiction carries a relatively poor prognosis, which reinforces its stigma. (Many people think addicts can’t get well.) Addicts who manage to find their way to a good program may find it impossible to pay for it; costs for the most highly recommended programs may run at $30,000 to $50,000 a month – or more. Therefore few addicts get the long-term, comprehensive care the need. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, an estimated 23 million Americans are hooked on drugs or alcohol, representing an annual economic loss of $524 billion. Go ahead and read that line again, I’ll wait.
Now, chew on this tasty statistic for a moment: For every dollar spent on treatment for addiction, taxpayers save more than seven in other services, largely through reduced crime and medical fees and increased productivity. A visit to the emergency room, for instance, costs as much as a month in rehab.
And one more: Each year we spend, or rather misspend, more than $50 billion on the war on drugs (total so far is more than $2 trillion). On prisons we spend billions more as a result of drug use. And yet the annual budget of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, which includes almost all drug-related research and development, is less than $1 billion.
In America Anonymous, Benoit Denizet-Lewis asks the question, Why do some recover and others die? He doesn’t know, but believes the “experts” can teach us – meaning the addicts themselves. He writes, We’ve historically “treated” [addicts] in two ineffective ways: We’ve either locked them in prison, occasionally offering cursory rehabilitation there but more often hoping they’ll be scared straight and return to their drug-infested communities with a newfound resolve to "Just Say No.” Or, we’ve mandated them to short-term treatment programs, barely scratching the surface of their problems before patting them on the back and returning them to their drug-infested communities—but not before reminding them to avoid the “people, places, and things” that might cause them to relapse.
The [Drug Treatment Alternative-to-Prison] program recognizes the absurdity of both approaches. It understands that recovery rarely happens in thirty days and that it is about far more than stopping the addictive behavior. Recovery demands that addicts learn “all the adult things you weren’t doing because you were too busy getting fucked up,” [a drug counselor] once told me. Long-term treatment allows for that kind of process. On the last page of Benoit's book he echoes one of my long-held opinions, one which has compelled me for years to speak and write openly about my own past addictions. Benoit quotes his friend Jody, a recovering addict and drug counselor, who says, You can have the best treatment center in the world ... but nothing will really change in this country until people in recovery, and those who care about people in recovery, decide that they’ve seen enough heartbreak, enough needless death. People in recovery need to stand up and demand to be counted. We don’t have nearly enough people out there screaming until something changes, until we start devoting real money and resources to fighting this disease. Where are the millions of addicts in this country who are sober and have turned around their lives? They need to be on the front lines of this war, but they’re at their AA and NA meetings in church basements, talking to each other. And that’s great, and that’s important, and personal recovery depends on it, but man, that’s not enough anymore! I mean, when will we wake up and flip the fucking script?” Speaking of scripts, I just wrote a helluva good one about Meth addiction. I’ve also written an addiction memoir that I’m more than one third of the way through revising. I’m also almost halfway through writing a collection of short stories on the topic of addiction, one of which has been published already. I just had an essay on addiction accepted for publication and I intend to blog, every now and then, on it too. I know this is a long post but I felt it was important so thanks to anyone who managed to stick with me here. In fact, while I’m at it, thanks to everyone who managed to stick with me *out there* too – not the easiest thing to do when you love an addict.
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| xanax... |
[29 May 2009|02:00pm] |
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So I have taken like 6 to 8 peach xanax and a couple of loratab... i dont really feel anything. What should I be feeling?
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| Hmm |
[28 May 2009|09:15pm] |
Well I got a handful of loratab 10's... took three don't really feel anything yet and I haven't taken them in forever. What kind of high does hydrocodone give you?
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| Soma and Loratab... |
[27 May 2009|10:30pm] |
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Well I just took a Soma and a Loratab 10... should I feel anything???
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| Valium |
[27 May 2009|01:38am] |
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Ok I have took like anywhere from 5-8 valium in an hour.. what should I be feeling?
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| Nuerontin |
[17 May 2009|06:19pm] |
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So... what would Neurontin do to me if I took a couple of the 400mg pills that I get?
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[10 May 2009|03:59am] |
The cocaine is out of control, and it's starting to trigger my PS (Paranoid Schizophrenia). I tried to stop cold turkey, but had a seizure.
This is frustrating.
No money for treatment.
Any suggestions?
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| withdrawals... |
[09 Apr 2009|10:44pm] |
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I am withdrawing from methadone and other painkillers right now and I just wanted to let everyone know that it is complete hell.
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| add me if u like |
[10 Mar 2009|01:26am] |
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Hey everyone:
x.my name is Dustin
x. I am 21 years old
x. gay
x. in a commited relationship
x. live in kentucky
x. update at least daily
x. recovering opiate addict.
Add me and I will add you back just comment at: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) rainbowdustin </span>
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| so so so so so so so sorry |
[01 Mar 2009|12:51pm] |
ive been gone for so long.
i got in trouble.
got back into drugs real bad no everything went down hill.
i got arrested then had to go to the hospital.
it was fucked.
sorry i just went poof like that.
well okay ill tay an get on more now
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| new |
[14 Oct 2008|03:56pm] |
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im new.
my name is stevie.
im 17 almost 18.
ive been in and out of rehabs and treatment for lots of thing.
i had been clean of every thing for3 years and 2 months.
but i messed it all up starting friday.
and it went down hill form there.
i messed up again.
whats new.
im a fuck up.
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| Thanks for the well-tasted community. |
[06 May 2008|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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One Republic - Prodigal |
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I was looking for a community that wasn't all "fuck yeah drugs are cool!!!" and also one that wasn't all AA-big book-sober. I just wanted something where I can be honest. Becasue I'm a heroin addict. And it's never really one way or the other. Some days I have a needle in my arm and some days I'm ready to stop. Today I have 3 days sober and the Suboxone is making me feel icky but it's better than bleeding on the floor on a NYC public bathroom like I was 3 days ago.
Anyway, I decided to take these first few days to clear my head. I'm starting a new journal and writing all about what I've really felt the last few years. It's always my parents and my friends whining about how much it hurts them what I'm doing to myself. I feel terrible but I want to scream WHAT ABOUT ME??? It's certainly not a field day. I have tried to get sober about a million times and I'm only 20 years old. It all started with the death of my brother so between that and the addiction following, there's a lot of crap I don't think I've ever said. And I've definitely never put i ton paper.
So here's my journal for that. The past I avoid talking about and the feelings I have a hard time pinpointing. But I'm in this community knowing that if I relapse again, I'm still a part of it. Because I'm an addict either way and I'm honest.
Jeanette. Alexandria, Virginia. 20 years old, female. IV heroin user. Coming off a New York 2 bundle a day habit. 3 days sober today. [Excuse the Adivan & Suboxone.]
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| I'm an Addict |
[04 May 2008|05:48pm] |
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Hello everyone, I would like to take a few minutes to say hello and introduce myself as I am new to this community. I joined this community a few weeks ago, and usually upon joining I post but somehow I always held back for fear or maybe embarrassment, which ever it was I’m making myself post now. I’m just looking for acceptance, support, and new friends who know just what I am going through. I’m so tired of walking this path alone. I’m 25 years old and I live my daily like in the tight grips of chronic pain. In 2004 I was diagnosed with my illness that has screwed my body over. My friend knew I was an avid blogger, I blog for a safe escape from pain, and it works so he invited me to sign up and I’m thankful I did because I met so many wonderful people thus far. I feel that I’m putting this off, so I’ll just say it and get it out of the way “I am an addict”. Being in chronic pain each and every day I have turned to many escapes that have turned addictions (drugs and sex). 4 years ago I was involved in a abusive relationship that almost turned fatal to me, he hooked me on heroin and pimpped me out for money to support his own addiction. I walked away from the needle a year ago, on my own, I wish I could say I never went back and I could say that up until 2 weeks ago, I can stop heroin but no matter how happy I was about getting clean I’m sad to sit here and say I may of got clean from heroin with only one fuck up in almost 2 years. I just traded one addiction to another one, opiates. I’m in pain, I need them there isn’t anyway I see doing it without their help but I take way to many and to many and to many. Over and over it’s became my life. The pain, has took so much from me I used to party I used to be active now I can no longer leave my house, I have no friends, pretty much I’m alone. I have horrid panic attacks from the pain, triggered by the pain or when I run out of pills. The doctor just put me on benzos(sp) I have took the Ativan but it didn’t work these are Klonoprin 1 mg (sp) I heard they are really addictive (never took them before or anything this hardcore for panic attacks) and I don’t need to trade another addiction for a new one.(To help with not taking as many of my pain meds as well as panic attacks btw) If anyone wants to add me feel free to do so, I’m so tired of walking alone in this life, blogging is my escape, and to be safe I live online, it’s the only way I know how to live. (also if anyone knows any fact about the new drug she prescibed me please any help would be nice, I took 1 so far and I felt fucking loopy, is this always going to be the feeling, do they work? if they do I could totally get used to this lol)
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[28 Apr 2008|01:54pm] |
Can I just express how eternally frustrated by the act of being clean I am?
More than ever its feeling like a forced chore to me and I dont know why.
I realize now I never even wanted any part of recovery even the last time I went through treatment and maybe this is why I refuse to go to any sort of NA or drug counsilling.
This was forced on me. I just got into a huge argument with my mom (I live in the basement suite of my parents place beacuse I was saving up for rent having just graduated film school) because I told her about a shit load of oxycontin among other things and I confessed to having been loading up on them all of last year (which she didnt know and if she did she turned a blind eye) and she pretty much hit the roof...which in a way I expected it but at the same time not so much.
She went on about how selfish I was to have been throwing away all my hard work by taking fist fulls of pills. She asked me if the pills were all I had done...and I sheepishly admitted that no, I had used heroin a handful of times last year as well and just barely got lucky enough to not continue doing it.
She walked out of the room after that one.
To this day she does not understand that I got clean for OTHER people.
I have never once in my life gotten clean for myself...its always been because somoene has said to me
"You have to get your act together" "You cant keep doing this to yourself" "You need to let us help you" blah blah fucking blah.
Never once have I kicked because I wanted to.
NOT EVER.
Sure maybe deep down I want to finally be rid of it and of course I want to be healthy for my son who will be born in less than two months (too be clear I haven't used anything since I found out I was pregnant)
Its awful hard to do though with that monkey on your back.
while I proclaim to be sick of having this shit control me time and time again, I dont think I am really...and thats dangerous.
This is an uphill climb and I am constantly taking one step forward and two steps back
I dont know why this feeling has gotten so much worse lately.
I really would like to know though.
More so I want to know how you want to be clean because as I said...I dont think I've ever really wanted any part of this and its like I'm stuck in this place and I can't breath and its frustrating because I want to want to say clean but something is not letting me want it.
I just want that numbness I want to not fucking care any more...I'm so tired of fucking caring...its exhausting.
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| Asking for any advice. |
[12 Apr 2008|02:01am] |
Hello everyone. I'm Erin. This is my first post here. I just joined because I've found myself in kind of a difficult situation that stems from drug abuse. Two months ago I started a relationship with a heroin addict. He had just gotten clean after being strung out for 1-2 years, I'd known him through mutual friends for quite a while, we fell for each other pretty hard pretty fast, he is a great person (all the heroin users I've met have been the sweetest people, why is that?) and, of course, I love him. Now, I'm sure you can see where this is going. He just told me he started using 2 weeks ago, apparently due to the bullshit he was going through with the community college and them not giving him the financial aid he needed to buy his books, and we were both on edge due to lack of sleep and he and I were both pretty stressed out and generally at our wits' end.
He successfully quit before (until now, anyway), and he says he wants to quit again for good, and I know that's true, and I know he hates it and himself for going back to it. I want to do what I can do to help him quit, and stand by him and show him as much support as I can.
Here is the thing. When he quit before, he was not in school or working, so he was able to quit pretty much cold turkey, and go through the withdrawals on his own. Now the problem is he can't do that this time around because he'd have to drop all his classes. This weekend he is going to try to find some ceboxine, so he can quit using and still stay in school. Thing is that it's extremely difficult to find. And every day he's still using will just make it worse when he finally finds some.
I'm here to ask for any advice as to what I can do to help him along and if there's anything I should not do. And I'm also wondering about holistic/alternative treatments that are available that he might use in case he can't find any ceboxine. There is this hippie health store in town that has a whole shelf of things that are supposed to help with heroin withdrawals, but they're kind of pricey. He is hesitant to spend loads of cash on herbs and for them not to work, which is totally understandable. I'm wondering if anybody here has first hand experience with any alternative methods? Which ones (if any) work? How well do they work? Which ones are bullshit that should be avoided? Are there any that would make withdrawal symptoms bearable enough that he could function enough to go to school?
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