Current mood:

hyper

Uber-LOTR-Sue!
I have never, ever seen a Sue to match this one.

Story or Series Title: Daughter of the Rings
Fandom: LOTR/The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever Crossover.
Culprit's Name: Ninja Fuzzy

Full Name: Nalani/Yusuko.
Full Species: Dea dubiosa, without question. The author gives this explanation:

"The daughter of all men. Of all elves, dwarves, goblins. of all living creatures. Created, along with the rings in the heart of Mt. Doom. Created with but one purpose. to see that the ring shall never be destroyed. Ringwraiths protect it, but they are easily fallible. The one true guardian of the ring. an invincible force damned to service of the ring."

So, Ringwraith, I guess.

Hair Colour: "long, silver hair."
Eye Colour: "Her bright, blue eyes carried the sadness of a thousand lifetimes, with the hint of a horrible past." *boggle*
Unusual Markings/Colourations: Blue skin. And wings. For the love of Eru...



Special Possessions: Well:

1. Gem of some kind that lets her perform powerful magic.
2. A sword that she forms "out of her own body."
3. A pendant that Glorfindel fetches back for her after she lost it somewhere: "It was made of a silver chain, and at its end was a deep blue jewel, that seemed to hold the ocean in it."
4. A scabbard for the sword that Galadriel gives her. (If she just calls it out of thin air, what use is a scabbard?)
5. A Ranyhyn horse named Kyouryoku; you've got to see this description:

"The horse came from a village of strange elves (called Ramen*) that she dwelt with for the years before she came to Mirkwood. She then returned for a short while, then came to Rivendell. These elves were not seen by the whole of Middle earth, and only few had been there, and seen their hidden village. The Ramen raised the horses, which was a breed by the name of "Ranyhyn"*. These powerful horses were stronger and faster than the normal breed. Their intelligence rivaled that of most men. They chose their masters, and served them well. It was said that they often knew days in advance when their masters would call them, and would be there when they were called. Her horse was called Kyouryoku which was derived from the word "strength" in the language of the Ramen. Despite her preference to walk, she loved her horse."

She insists that the Ramen language is Japanese, despite calling an obviously made-up (and badly-so!) language she uses elsewhere in the story "the tongue of the Ramen."

Annoying Origin: Basically, it's in her species line above. She was created by Sauron to protect the Ring, and with the blood of "every species," including Ramen elves. I hate to think of the orgy Sauron had to arrange.
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Oh, dear Nienna. Let's see if I can get them all:

1. Swears to protect Frodo with her life.
2. Makes Frodo get all angsty about her, numerous times.
3. Makes Sam fascinated with her.
4. Teaches Merry and Pippin to fight with swords.
5. An old friend of Aragorn's.
6. An old friend of Gandalf's; he regards her as a daughter.
7. Learned magic from Gandalf.
8. Has been friends with Glorfindel for 300 years.
9. Glorfindel comes along with the Fellowship to be with her.
10. Glorfindel is in love with her, though Nalani doesn't love him back.
11. Intimidates Haldir.
12. Attacks Haldir and gets away with it.
13. Fucking tries to drown Galadriel and gets away with it.
14. Sauron calls her his daughter and "loves her." Um. Righty-o.
15. She can command the Ringwraiths, if she wants.
16. Despite the fucking stupid attack on Haldir and Galadriel, Galadriel tells her she will always be regarded as a hero in Lorien.
17. Sauron sends his best general to get her back, instead of the Ring.
18. Old friends with Legolas.
19. Has had "dealings with Thranduil."
20. Glorfindel abandonds the Quest in Lorien because he can't stand to see Nalani get hurt.

See what I mean about Uber-Sue?

Annoying Special Abilities: Here we go again:

1. She can fly.
2. She can shapeshift into anything, including an elf and a horse.
3. She can make just about everybody fall all over themselves apologizing.
4. She survives the flood at the Ford of Bruinen.
5. She's strong enough to crush an Orc.
6. She can walk so silently Elves can't hear her.
7. She has keener senses than an Elf.
8. She's wiser than Gandalf, and makes him admit it. *strangle* *strangle* *strangle*
9. She solves the riddle for entrance into Moria.
10. She's the one who suggests that the Ring has to be destroyed in Mount Doom.
11. She can leap from tree branch to tree branch.
12. She performs healing and warding spells.
13. She has prophetic dreams.
14. She swears a blood oath for Gandalf.
15. She falls into the abyss after Gandalf and the Balrog, but somehow survives.
16. She has "Ramen magic," whatever that means.
17. Her skin is so tough swords rebound from it.
18. She takes two arrows in the back, but lives.
19. She can keep Galadriel from reading her mind.
20. She can turn invisible.
21. She can overcome Sauron's will.

I mean. What. The. Fuck.

Other Annoying Traits: Author admits to mixing book and movie-verses, but also makes up scenes entirely (such as the scene with Galadriel that I'll quote below). She also makes odd mistakes, such as quoting the "Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!" part, but not realizing the horse's name is Asfaloth; she calls her Pirotessa instead. Other times she has entire scenes that are just retellings of scenes from the book; she quotes all of Gandalf's letter to Frodo from the Prancing Pony and all of Strider's song of Lúthien for no apparent reason. (She does misquote the poem. Yes, I am such a geek that I know the poem by heart. Shut up).

Semi-Positives: Um. Readable, although the author has the extremely odd habit of not capitalizing the first word of many sentences.

Please include a small sample of the worst part of the story:

The Galadriel scene, without question. My mouth was literally hanging open.


Frodo was woken up by Haldir, who led him through the city to a vast open room. There was a dais in the center, upon which was a great mirror. Levitating above it was a silver flagon. Its design was elegant and flowing just like the beautiful elf that just entered the room.

Why does she change the entire freaking Mirror scene? What's the point?

Galadriel stood by the dais and bowed her head toward Frodo. The hobbit stepped forward, only to be blocked by Nalani, who brandished her sword and guarded the hobbit.

Oh, did I mention she makes Galadriel evil?

She had followed them undetected even by the sensitive ears of the elves.

Sure. Never mind "keenest hearing in Middle-Earth" and so on.

"I do not need my powers to feel what the ring has done to you." She hissed.

Galadriel was tempted by the Ring, but she did not fall. I have no idea why the author is making her act this way.

Galadriel stepped back, alarmed.

Galadriel: You're crazy. Do you know this?

Haldir stood ready with his bow strung and aimed at Nalani’s back. Straight at her heart.

Why do authors always have archers do this? It's hard to get someone straight in the heart; the ribs get in the way.

"I did not see you..." Galadriel glanced at Nalani’s right hand, which held her sword, and noticed the blood seeping through the bandages. "your power is gone. I see now. But your heart... it lingers in darkness. Who would suit the ring better. You or I?"

Neither of them. God damn it, where is the real Galadriel?

"I can overcome my darkness as easily as you can." Nalani relaxed and lowered her sword "Call your dog off and do your work. If you harm him, this entire city will taste death by my blade."

She talks like this to everyone in the story. Yet when Gimli refuses to be blindfolded in Lorien, the narrative scolds him for "selfish pride."

Galadriel nodded to Haldir. He stood there for a minute considering shooting Nalani anyway for the insult she caused him.

*Limyaael bounces up and down*

Do it do it do it!

He lowered his bow. Nalani then sheathed her sword, and let Frodo pass.

Galadriel uncovered the flagon and poured a silver shimmering liquid into the mirror.

"come, hobbit.

She would call him by name, not "hobbit."

Look into what may come to pass, or, quite possibly what has passed."

Frodo had been in a daze the whole time he had been there. he stepped up to the mirror and looked over.

Over what? The gaping plot hole?

Instantly, the metallic liquid reached out to him. He pulled back but not soon enough to escape its grasp. He was sucked into a portal that none knew where.

None knew where what? The author also has a problem with sentence fragments.

Nalani ripped her sword out of its sheath and launched it at Haldir, who had already loosed an arrow at her. She could only block the arrow with her arm. Haldir was not so lucky. The sword pinned him to the wall by his shoulder.

*Limyaael has her head in her hands*

Swords are so not throwing weapons.

Nalani ripped the arrow out of her arm with a snarl and snapped it in two. She grabbed Galadriel by the collar of her long thick gown and dragged her along to retrieve her sword.

I have never, ever read a Sue who did anything this stupid.

Haldir lurched forward when she took the sword, and blood poured from the wound. She kicked him in the stomach, winding him,

They wouldn't let her live after that, never mind proclaiming her a hero.

and then knocked him unconscious.

Galadriel struggled to get free as Nalani dragged her back to the dais. She snapped the frightened elf around

Galadriel has seen more frightening things than you, bitch-chicky. I guarantee ya.

and glared at her, showing her that she did not need the sword to tear her throat out.

What, she could do it with her glare?

"I want my hobbit back." Nalani said, swept away by her anger. She shoved Galadriel’s head in the mirror.

My head has exploded. I declare a ficless universe, where this story was never written. Come join me in the nice ficless universe!

"it is his prophecy. Nothing can be done! He must see it himself!" her head went under the silver water. When it surfaced she sputtered and spoke again, "no harm will come to him as long as he is true."

The words "Galadriel" and "sputtered" do not belong in the same book with each other, never mind the same sentence.

Nalani released Galadriel and stepped back. She kept her sword leveled at her, to keep the elves that had lined the room from attacking

They would have attacked long before this. Can you say: Sprouting arrows like a porcupine?

"if he does not return, I will kill them all before your eyes. Then you may begin to know my pain."

God-damn, is this stupid.

"had I known who you were, I would have never allowed you in my fair city."

"had you not dared harm Frodo, this would have never happened. The blame lies only on you."

No, it lies on the author.

Galadriel nodded. She realized that Nalani spoke the truth. She also realized the evil influence the ring had over her. Tears ran down her face as she waved the archers and spectators away.

Y'know, it's not that often they manage to send the Lady of the Golden Wood out of character. I think this fic deserves some kind of special prize for that alone.



This fic is 37 chapters long (well, 34 chapters, an introduction, a profile of Nalani, and a "chapter" where the author screams about her writer's block). It's about 27,000 words, but I urge you to read it if you can. You will never appreciate the true horror otherwise.

I was crying with laughter by the end of it. Believe me, it's worth it.