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A Female Marauder? OMG, I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS PLOT BEFORE!
Story Or Series Title: A Female Marauder.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Culprit Author's Name: ANGELWINGZ1983

Full Name (plus titles if any): Jocasta Amery. I’m sure that names like this were very much in fashion with the English upper-class in the early 1960s.
Full Species(es): Marauderius-Vaginai Sueicus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Change color according to her mood. This is a source of great angst for her. WHY CAN”T HER EYES JUST PICK ONE SHADE OF BEAUTIFUL?! WHY?! *sobs*
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): Sympathy for House Elves. Sirius’ balls. Sirius’ children.

Annoying Origin: The Adult Pit (I cut the graphic sex scenes.)
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Is best friends with four of them. Marries Sirius in the end.
Annoying Special Abilities: Can threaten James Potter and not be laughed off. Is an animagus. Can make all of the marauders fetch, beg, and play dead. (She’s still trying to train them not to hump her leg, though.)
Other Annoying Traits: Plays match-maker for James and Lily. Suffers from Sue-brand bipolar disorder. Is a chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:



{Snip: The Sue and the Marauders have been up to their usual tricks, and are now fleeing the crime scene.}

“Hehe, Filch will have a heart attack when he sees that!” wheezed James, like the notoriously bad athlete he was.

“Yeah, true (would it be less true if he had only agreed once, I wonder?) my friend,” Sirius said as he slapped him on the shoulder. He was afraid that if he didn’t specify that he was talking to one of his friends and then slap said friend on the shoulder, James might not realize that who he was talking to.

“What do you think Filch will do when he sees it? Would he tell McGonagall?,” whispered Peter. Jocasta rolled her eyes because Filch would never rat them out. Filch was cool. and then glanced down at her watch. It was just past their curfew, so they would have to be careful in getting back to their Common Room, despite Remus being with them and a Prefect. Remus was using a time-turner to be with both them and a prefect. The Hufflepuff prefect. Who happened to be his gay lover. But we’ll get to that subplot later.

“Come on guys, time for Peter’s bedtime,” she whispered, earning her a look of disgust from Peter, who had always found sleeping to be a rather disgusting habit. You got all disheveled and you drooled and... Well, more on that later. and chuckles from the others. They stuck to the shadows, occasionally having to dive into classrooms, which they could easily do, because no Hogwarts teacher would ever lock the room where they kept a small ocean of things that fell under one of three categories: “dangerous” “of great monetary value” and “highly useful for cheating.” Hogwarts teachers are a bit dense like that. and alcoves to avoid patrolling teachers and other Prefects. Luckily they made it to the Common Room without being seen, but faced the questioning of The Fat Lady, who was well-known for her inquisitive nature and her habit of tattling on students.

“Just why are you lot out of bounds?”

“Late night practice for the match next week. We had a Prefect with us and permission from Madam Hooch,” Jocasta swiftly rolled off. “Oh, and don’t worry about why only three, max, of the people here are actually on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. The rest of us were just there for moral support. Oh, and the rest of the team is already in bed because it was one of those special practices were they only needed a few players. No, it is not a problem to practice with only one chaser! Don’t you know anything about Quidditch?...Well, we can’t show you the note from Madam Hooch. It’s one of those invisible notes, you see. She didn’t want anyone who shouldn’t be using it to steal it.” The portrait swung open, accepting the explanation.

“Does your mother know that you lie so well with that mouth?,” Sirius asked. (If her stories are so half-assed all the time, I’m guessing hoping that the answer is ‘Yes.’ But we all know how Sue parents can be...)

“That would be my business, not yours. Night boys!” The four boys watched the witch go up and disappear on the stairs. You see, Godric Gryffindor installed the last door on the Boys’ Dormitories, then realized that he had installed exactly 9,748 doors as of that day, and he was quite bored of them. He wanted to do something more interesting with the Girls’ Dorms. So he thought... and thought... and thought... and he couldn’t come up with anything. So instead he just installed some weird teleportation thing that makes them disappear from the stairs and reappear in their room. He was never entirely satisfied with it, but he figured that it was better than another damn door.

“Damn Padfoot, admit it! You fancy the pants of her, don’t you?” James had long been critical of Sirius’ secret fetish for girls’ blue-jeans. It was starting to put a strain on their relationship. (Note: This is actually funnier under the old English definition of ‘pants,’ but I think being in a Suefic is torture enough for our poor Sirius without me throwing him into a silk thong.)

“Prongs old pal, I have no idea what you mean,” Sirius replied artfully. (I don’t imagine many boys in English boarding schools would admit to fancying girls’ pants. Nowadays we just call that ‘emo,’ but back then, I’m pretty sure the most appropriate term they had was ‘poof.’)

“Fine, fine. I won’t press it. For now.” The boys headed to their own beds and soon were fast asleep, well not everyone. So I guess it’s a good thing that you didn’t say ‘everyone.’


Remus was lying awake, a hand stroking his manhood over thoughts of him slamming the throbbing sex in his hand into the body of Sirius Black. Lol, what? I was right? See. I told you that Remus was gay! Remus had realised in his second year just how he felt about, well his sexuality. He felt ashamed, obviously. So ashamed, that he couldn’t even think it. But that isn’t nearly as troubling as the idea of a gay guy in Sue fic. I mean, if he’s gay, how can he lust after the Sue? I’m betting on a Remus-Sirius-Sue love triangle, and if that doesn’t happen, then the Sue is going to turn him straight.

{Snip: Remus is gay. Sirius is hot. The others don’t know about Remus’ other furry little problem. Sirius is hot. Remus wonders if Sirius really does know, and is just ignoring it for the lulz. Sirius is hot. No reason is given for Remus thinking that his friends would be able to fully accept him being a dangerous creature that has starred in multiple horror stories and could easily kill them under certain unfortunate circumstances, but they would never be able to forgive him for thinking one of them is hot.}
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At breakfast Jocasta was sat—Hogwarts had decided to follow in the footsteps of great schools that can’t stay the fuck out of their students’ lives everywhere and temporarily employ a seating chart—with Lily Evans, who is a well-known fan of the Marauders, in whatever universe this Sue lives in, talking about their summer holidays and what they were doing for the first Hogsmeade trip.

“Oh, just the usual I guess, mooch about in Zonko’s, head to The Three Broomsticks for some Butterbeers then back up here. Boring really,” Lily confided. Jocasta nodded as her mouth was full of toast with jam and butter piled on it. Lessons, which were now being taught at in the Great Hall during the breakfast, passed slowly, as usual when time got closer to a Hogsmeade trip and a Quidditch match.

The Quidditch match was first, Gryffindor versus Slytherin, the first match of the year. The Department of Redundancy Department makes Hogwarts’ Quidditch schedules now. Budget cuts and all that. *sad sigh* But what can you do? As usual, the two Houses rivalry hit a high on the lead up to it. Both teams were the main targets of various hexes and mild curses that were lifted by the Heads of House, Professor Flitwick and Madam Pomfrey. On the match day, the weak autumn/winter (I’m extremely despaired that the students of a school with an extensive Astronomy department can’t figure out what season it is.) sun shone brightly and the wind was at a minimum. The match was fast and dirty, with the Slytherin team resorting to cheap tricks as they were losing, badly. Jocasta had scored four times, each goal aided by Sirius. Majority of the stadium roared with cheers as James caught the Snitch, therefore winning the match outright. It’s a little-known rule in Quidditch that if a chaser can catch the snitch, his team wins the match, no matter what. The fact that this would be considered cheating in any other sport is seldom brought up. That night there was a wild party in the Gryffindor Common Room.

{Snip: Rude comments about Regulus. Remember, class, it’s not bullying if the Sue is the one doing it.}

{Snip: James and Lily fight for virtually no real reason.}

“Come on mate, no point pining like this. There are plenty of skirts out there that would just love to be hanging off your arm,” Sirius said to his forlorn pal as he eyed up a couple of fifth year girls that had just past them, whispering and giggling.

“I know Padfoot, but she calls to me like the Siren she is,” James said in a hushed voice, with a misty look in his eyes and odd dialogue that no teenaged boy outside of Shakespeare play would ever actually use.

{Snip: Sue is talking to Lily. Sue tells Lily that James likes her. Sue angsts about her eyes, which are so freakishly special that it’s infuriating. This is one of those bits that had me thinking ‘Please be a troll, please be a troll, please be a troll...’ and I will spare you all some pain by not posting it.}

“Jo, you get on with him right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, Hogsmeade is coming up at the weekend....The giant squid just died.”

“Oh, fine. I’ll go see what he’s up to.” Jocasta rose from her seat and skipped over to where the four boys were, hogging the good chairs by the fire, as usual.

“Hey. James, a word please.”

“Why?,” James asked, puzzled at the order.

“Do you want a shot at Lily or not? If you do, come with me now,” Jocasta said with her hands on her hips. Remus chucked and Sirius shoved his best friend off the chair.

“Go on Romeo, go get your Juliet!” Jocasta exited the Common Room, preferring to not be overheard and she wanted to keep the answer to herself until she returned to Lily and the rest of her friends.

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{Snip: The Sue works her match-making magic and hooks James and Lily up on a date.}

“Good. I will tell Remus so that he can remind you on the day. Make sure you are there Potter, or else you will have to deal with my wrath,” Jocasta threatened. She had to threaten him, because she knew that it was extremely likely that James would stand up a girl that he’d been chasing after for years. James had already, just the once, seen her famous anger (He called her a Sue.) and had no wish to be at the receiving end again.

“Well, I guess I had better head back and tell Lily the good news,” Jocasta said brightly, a complete turn around from her angry stare and growl in her voice before. She turned and once again skipped her way to the Common Room. James wandered back slowly, a wistful look on his face as he thought of the wonderful things like kisses he could, and would get from Lily’s luscious lips.

“What did he say Jo?” Lily had practically jumped on Jocasta as soon as she stepped through the dorm room door.

“Meet him at The Three Broomsticks at 12.30pm at the very back table, obviously when it’s the Hogsmeade visit day.” The rest of the girls went all ultra sonic in their squeals of delight for Lily.

{Snip: Sue shares the news. Fangirls Their roommates squee.}

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The day of the Hogsmeade visit soon came round and Jocasta quickly left the rest of the girls to pamper Lily before letting her go for her ‘date’. On her way down the dorm stairs, she was blocked by Peter Pettigrew, who apparently grew a vagina overnight in order to be able to stand on those stairs.

“Get out of my way Pettigrew!”

“Sorry, what did you say?,” he replied, taking a good hard look at her breasts, his tongue hanging out.

“Get out of my face rat boy!”

“What? How did you know?,” stuttered Peter, a panicked look on his face.

“Huh? I. Am. A. Sue. God, what is wrong with you canon characters? Haven’t you figured out yet that I just know things because I’m awesome?! Oh, what ever, just get out of my way!,” Jocasta said irritatedly as she pushed past him. She made her own way to Hogsmeade, wanting to shop for her mum’s birthday present whilst it was fairly quiet.

“Well, well. Look who it is,” drawled Sirius from his leaning position outside Honeyduke’s. (Sirius, you’ve been spending too much time with your family. I had to read that seven times before I could stop picturing Draco. I still can’t get Draco’s voice out of my head when I read it.)

“Sirius, if I threw a stick, would you run after it and promise to not come back?,” Jocasta said, bending down and picking up a stick as to demonstrate that she was serious. Sirius’ eyes narrowed and followed the stick. The dog side of him wanting nothing more than to play fetch with this witch. (So Sirius' dog form makes him like fetch? Wow. All I can think right now is that Lily and James’ date is going to get really awkward when he orders a side of grass.) Jocasta had noticed how much he was concentrating on the waved stick.

“Sirius, see the stick. You know you want it, don’t you boy. Yes! Ready, go fetch,” she said, throwing it with all her might. She was surprised to see Sirius chase after it, so used the diversion to slip into Madam Malkin’s before he returned to find her gone. He flung the stick to the ground in slight anger at how the witch he desired had gotten away from him, again! When would she give him a break? All he really wanted was for her to grab his stick! He trudged round the village and it slowly filled with more students. He soon found a very nervous James and an irritated Remus stood in front of the pub James was meeting Lily in.

“Best get that table now Prongs, before some lovey-dovey couple do,” Sirius sneered.

“Oh yeah, right,” a distracted James replied.

“Where’s Wormtail?,” Sirius asked James.

“Oh, he said something about doing his Charms homework in the library,” he said with a shrug.

“Fuck me!”

‘Oh how I wish I could,’ Remus thought longingly. Just then a group of fifth years came near.

“Oh; skirt! Are you coming Moony?”

“You go ahead. I’ll stay with Prongs until Lily gets here.”

{Snip: Sirius has sex.}

“Feel fulfilled now Padfoot?,” Remus asked, wishing it was him Sirius had rutted.

“James done yet?”

“No, he’s cosied up with Lily in the pub,” Remus explained as the three friends made their way back to the castle.

_________________________________________________________________________________________


James soon followed, his arm loosely around Lily’s shoulders. He kissed her before letting her go to her friends in the corner, who immediately started giggling and asked her to tell all.

“It go that well then, hey Prongs?,” Sirius drawled, not really noticing the group of girls closing ranks and giggling too much.

“Huh, oh yeah,” James stuttered as his gaze never left his new girlfriend.

‘Oh, finally I have the girl of my dreams,’ he thought.

“Well, I’m off to get that Potions essay finished,” Remus said to fill the silence that had surrounded the four friends. The others knew that meant he wanted to be alone. After all, it was getting close to yet another (the damn things just kept on coming) full moon and they all knew what that meant.

{Another lesson for you all: ‘Polishing your wand’ in the common room is not okay. ‘Finishing your essay’ in a secluded corner of the library is, as long as you make sure that you don’t bring your friends along.}

{Snip: They prank someone, and the Sue has to hide under Sirius’ bed, because this is much less suspicious than her just going about her business like she hasn’t done anything wrong. Sirius has naughty magazines under his bed.}

Hours passed before Sirius poked Jocasta’s arm, waking her.

“You can come out now.” She crawled out, dusted herself off before putting her hands on her hips defensively, as if she was waiting for an answer from Sirius.

“What?”

“Are you going to explain those ‘things’ under your bed?”

“So, I bet you girls have all kinds of crap under yours,” he said in defence.

“Oh yeah! I’ve got whips, chains, fluffy handcuffs. Lily has a dildo, (whispers and gestures), this big,” Jocasta replied with a smile, her hands still a distance apart. All three boys stood aghast, mouths wide open.

“Really?,” asked James, feeling immensely threatened by the dildo as he was the first to break from the shock.

“No! You see, girls are smart enough to realize that no intelligent boarding school student would ever hide anything under her bed when the school has a cleaning staff, which Hogwarts does. Unless you have drawers down there, and Sirius obviously doesn’t, the area under your bed counts as an open space, and the ‘cleaning staff’ can look there for almost any reason. Hell, they can, and in fact should look there for ‘no reason’ because it’s part of their job to clean down there. If you shut it in a drawer, the school needs an excuse to do a search. Gods, you boys are really delusional and perverted! By the way, where’s Remus?” (I love how “delusional and perverted” makes her think of Remus. It would seem that someone has found out about him wanking over Sirius every night.)

“Hospital Wing, not to have any visitor as what he has is infectious,” James rattled off.

“Huh, lame excuse,” Jocasta said before storming out of the room and slamming the door behind her. (This is coming from the girl who thought that "LOL, The five of us had a random Quidditch practice in the middle of the night with less than half of the team and no note from any staff member!" was a believable excuse. I give James credit. That excuse didn’t have half of the obvious flaws that the Sue’s did.)

{Snip. Sue and Lily discuss how boys have cooties and sex is teh ew.}

_________________________________________________________________________________________


The next day, whilst passing the three boys, Jocasta and Lily, arms linked, shot a sneer at them and Lily whispered a cheery greeting and the answers to today’s Astronomy quiz to them as they passed. The boys were sniggering over the night’s events when they heard the sneered whisper.

“You sicken me!,” Lily hissed, aiming it more at Sirius than the other two. Because Sirius is totally the sort of guy who loses sleep over things like that.

{Snip: The boys get revenge by doodling dildos and handcuffs in her book. The Sue gets mad. The baby Jesus cries. Yes, really.}

{Snip again: They are mean to Regulus again, just for the sake of being mean to Regulus.}

Weeks later, after a training session, Jocasta managed to pinch the Golden Snitch and kept it in her pocket until she needed it, which happened to be a short time later.

“Where’s Lily?,” James asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Jocasta rolled her eyes and sighed.

“She’s in the library working on her Herbology essay, not to be disturbed,” she added in a dangerous tone. (Do note that if you are going to ‘finish your essay’ in a secluded part of the library, it is best to have a friend running around threatening everyone who so much as hints that they’d like to see you.) But still James bounced on his feet waiting for the answer he wanted. Jocasta sighed again and dug into her pocket.

“Hey James, look a Snitch! You want it, oh yes you do! See the Snitchy, see the Snitchy, you know you want the Snitchy, yes you do. Oh , go get it,” she said as she fake threw it, “oh look I still have it, oh you want it? Yes you do!” She went on like this for some time, feinting more throws before finally throwing it out of a convenient open window. James tore out of the Common Room to go find it.

(...There is so much characterization Fail here. James isn’t a dog, in any form. He isn’t even a seeker. Why the fuck would he care if you threw a snitch?)

“Thank Merlin! Lily! You can come down now, he’s gone, for now,” Jocasta yelled up the girl’s dorm stairs. Lily emerged from the shadows of the stairs, a look of relief on her face.

“Cheers Jo, that was pretty cool,” Lily said.

“No problem.”

Some days later in the common Room, Sirius came storming down the stairs and out of the tower. Remus soon followed, but stayed indoors and swore. Godric Gryffindor had liked Rowena’s idea of moving staircases so much, that he had decided to use moving walls in his common room. The trouble with that, of course, was that if the walls moved the wrong way, the Gryffindor Common Room was technically outside, which could be rather unbearable mid-winter.

“Remus, what the fuck was that all about?,” Jocasta asked, seeing the look of worry on Remus’ face.

“Nothing,” he mumbled.

“Are you fucking Sirius (meant to be serious…sorry, it’s a Mugglespace Chat thing!),” Jocasta joked.

“What? Where did you hear that? It’s not true!”

‘Although I wish it was,’ he thought as Jocasta laughed and shook her head, not giving the answer another thought.

(*headdesk* This joke works fine in OOC settings, but in-story it’s unspeakably lame. For most UK accents, it wouldn’t even work, would it?)
_________________________________________________________________________________________


Time passed fairly quickly and very soon Valentine’s severed head was upon the castle. The boys had pulled pranks during the Christmas Holidays, but not many people were there to see them. Remus and Peter were no where to be seen as Sirius and James explained to Jocasta their plans for their newest prank. It involved jinxing Professor McGonagall’s office door to sprinkle sparkly hearts over who ever entered or left. (NOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT THE DREADED SPARKLY HEARTS! Would even McGonagall care about something like that? What’s it going to do? Really ruin the next five minutes for the only goth in Hogwarts?) The boys knew that out of the three of them, Jocasta was the better at casting Charms and complicated jinxes such as this and everything else, of course. Sirius went ahead to check the way was clear and signalled to the others to join him. Jocasta quickly cast the needed jinx, finishing it just as an alarm sounded.

“Leg it!,” yelled Sirius to Jocasta and James. (Why do people always need to be told to run in fiction? Unless the crowd that you run with is stoned, deaf, or playing really loud music, they ought to be able to figure out for themselves that they need to move. All yelling is going to do is give your pursuer a better idea of who you are and where you’re hiding, and slow you down because it takes longer for your brain to trigger a verbal response than it does a physical one (running).) Just as Sirius and Jocasta had hidden in an alcove, McGonagall threw open her door, getting covered in sparkly hearts and starting to melt before grabbing James by the scruff of the neck, well his collar and dragged him into her office through the dreaded Sparkle Hearts of Doom, where he too began to melt.

“Come on, we can’t help him now,” whispered Sirius as he pulled Jocasta away. They hurried through the labyrinth of corridors only to dive into a convenient empty room as they heard the tale-tale gait of Filch. The room they thought was empty just happened to be the Room of Requirement and they unknowingly had passed it three times whilst thinking of a place to hide. (When Fred and George did this, they got a fucking closet. What the Hell makes Sirius and the Sue so special? ...Wait. “What makes the Sue so special?” Nevermind.) As soon as they were sure Filch had passed and had not seen them, they started to laugh at the situation.

“Oh poor James. He’ll get lines for sure,” Jocasta said once the giggles died down. (Corporal Punishment was still allowed in Hogwarts during the time this story is set in. Hogwarts detentions almost killed students even after it had been banned... And the Sue is worried that James is going to get writer’s cramp? And she’s laughing about it? Wow. This Sue’s kind of a bitch, even for Sues.) Sirius was still laughing hard.

“Hey, I’ve just thought, where are Remus and Peter?”

“Peter is in detention and well…, Remus….., erm…., is ill,” Sirius said uncomfortably.

“He’s ill!! Again? Hang on a second. What day is it?,” Jocasta asked. Sirius looked sheepish.

“Ermmm….., why?”

“Well, he was ‘ill’ last month and the month before. Come to think of it, he’s been ill on the lead up to, during and just after a full moon. It’s a full moon tomorrow night!”

“So?,” Sirius said defensively, trying not to give anything away in his body language.

“Well, don’t you see, Remus is a Werewolf!,” Jocasta said out loud as she stared at him. There was a definite silence.

“Fine, ok, yeah Remus is a Werewolf,” he eventually said, his head hanging, his black hair swinging forward to hide his eyes.

“And just when were you going to tell me?”

“Well, you see…. I wasn’t really aware that it was my place to tell you. It’s kind of Remus’ darkest secret,” Sirius tried to explain but was interrupted.

“You were never going to tell me were you? Why all the secrecy?,” she asked in a small voice, hurt just breaking through. “I can’t believe you! I thought that you loved me enough to share intimate details about your dear friend’s life with me, even though it’s none of my business and would endanger that friend considerably, but I guess I was wrong!”

‘Damn, what can I tell her? Nothing? Everything?,’ he thought.

“Erm, well…..” He decided to go with the nothing route, because he was good friend and, more importantly, a decent human being. Most of the time.

“Gods Sirius, I thought we were friends and friends don’t hide these kinds of secrets from each other. Why did you…? And what else have you been hiding?! You never told me who James lost his virginity to! And you didn’t tell me about that time that Peter cried because his cat and his grandfather both died in one week! And you never even mentioned that Regulus wet his bed until he was nine! Why?! Did I somehow give you the impression that I don’t need to know these things?!” Sirius grabbed Jocasta roughly and kissed her.

{Snip: They have sex. Yes, really. Right here. Right now. And I’m surprised to find that I’m actually more shocked by the Sue’s behavior here than I am by Sirius’. I can actually see young!Sirius using ‘Kiss the pretty girl’ as a quick-fix for all of his problems. The Sue just instantly forgiving him for everything and letting him fuck her, however, I take issue with, because... Well, who in their right mind does that?!}

{Snip: He tells her about their nicknames, and then they walk up to the Common Room, where Remus sees them, and angsts.}

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{Snip: Sirius and the Sue get married and have kids and this nightmare ends everyone has a happy ending. Even Remus, who marries another werewolf. Oh, and I hurl.}



At last, we are done. Everyone please exit in a single file line through the door to your left. There are candy-dishes of bleeprin in several places around the room, so please help yourself to all that you need.

Edits: I swear I read over this thing before posting, but now I'm finding about 9000 typos. Sorry. I'm fixing them as I see them.