This was going to be a three-chapter New Year's extravaganza...
Unfortunately, Chapter 7 is twelve pages long, and about four even post-spork, so that's for next time. Until then...

Story Or Series Title: Stuck in Middle earth. The title says it all.
Fandom: Fellowship of the what-now?
Culprit Author's Name: Shadow08

Dug up by calen_greenleaf, and I don't know whether I come to bury Caesar or to praise him here.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Samantha Richards and Natasha Sanders
Full Species(es): Tenth (and Eleventh) Walkers
Hair Color (include adjectives): Samantha has ‘blonde hair’. Natasha’s is ‘raven’.
Eye Color (include adjectives): No mention. Let’s say flurescent pink for Sammie-Sue, and lime green for t’other one.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Samantha has a ‘trim body’. Natasha has ‘pale skin’. That’s about it.
Special Possessions (if any): A magical map of Middle-Earth and a backpack.

Annoying Origin: Sueville, USA.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of them fangirls over Boromir, the other one over Legolas. They join the Fellowship, too.
Annoying Special Abilities: Sword-fighting, transdimensional travel, the ability to make Boromir a misogynist and Gandalf a stupid old man.
Other Annoying Traits: They seem to have a pathological fear of grammar and logic. The constant use of the word ‘studly’.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

 

Chapter 4: Attack of the Calamares Watcher! Sounds like a B-movie. Oh, wait a minute…

 

Sam These headers keep on changing, don’t they? 0.o Make yer mind up!

(flight attendant voice which means… what, precisely?) Please hold on whilst Who even says ‘whilst’? A flight attendant? I gather the pieces of my ruptured lungs. No. *Fellowship wander off and leave her* Thank you.

We have now reached the walls of Moria. No matter how many times I walk into them, I cannot find my way through. Damn, I must be able to phase through somewhere! And everything would be just peachy if the sodding door weren’t missing. Yes, that might be a slight problem. Now if the doors were just hidden, it’d be fine, as you could just tell Gandalf the password, but nope. They’re missing. Caradhas again, then? I will now sit myself down and try to tape up my lungs back together. Hmm. Let medical science know how you do with that one, sweetheart. Oh! And maybe do a little note passing with Tasha.

SNIP as they do. Baww, they miss their families. I feel so terrible for them. ‘_‘

I looked up at Tasha and poke sadness into my eyes. Unlike me, Tasha has a great family. A big brother and a little sister, her family’s very close to the great lobster-god Clicky. I kinda feel jealous of her. My parents died and then came back to life to give me a little sister and then died again and then my sister got raped and then she died and NOW I SEE HER GHOST EVERY NIGHT.

… That’d actually be pretty cool. My family sucks like a vacuum cleaner reading Twilight. I’m an only child and my Mom’s a skeeze. She’s so kind and forgiving, isn’t she? Dad’s a great man, and I miss him so much BAWWWWW. I wouldn’t trade him for the world unless you offered me the choice. But sometimes… a girl does hope for something for more. Now, don’t tell me that’s not an innnuendo.

Now I have to brace myself for the calamares attack, as Merry has already kicked the stone in with his Chuck-Norris roundhouse, breaking the cliff open and making it completely TOO LATE that and Gandalf’s just opened the door. Tasha’s talking to the elven stud-muffin known as Buddy and I’m here sitting like a deadpanned dolt doorknob drycleaner’s doom dreaming darkly… what else starts with a ‘D’? Oh yeah, dumbass.

I need air! I swear to God, it was not me who removed it all. *hides vacuum behind back* Ok moving on…

“Sam Let’s go.” Tasha whispered to Sam Let, her binomial bacterium buddy… what? I can do alliteration too! pulling me up, the fear was evident in her voice. I could tell she was afraid of the watchers of tacky TV soaps, or as I like to refer to him, Slimy Calamares. I like that, it rhymes. It does? Ok I’m being random again… Indeed you are. Stop it.

SNIP for word-for-word from the film with added Sue-fluence.

1-2-3… and there goes Frodo! Out of the badfic and into another! Four chapters! *collects bets* Sam managed to cut the first tentacle, and Chuck Norris got the second, but Slimy Calamares is persistent. I take it he doesn’t like the name, then? Dozens of tentacles now burst from the churning water and wrapped themselves around Frodo. TENTACLE RAPE! We ran forward to help him cutting and hacking through the tentacles with all our mighty morphin’ power ranger powers. I didn’t bother looking at the others, I knew they were doing the same thing as me. HACKING WINDOWS XP.

I guess old Slime didn’t like getting hacked and having all his files deleted, so it decided to vent all its sexual frustrations on me. Wonderful ain’t it? Yup. *sits back to watch. With popcorn* One moment I was hacking him to pieces, the next he’s dangling me to death. The sparkling wit, fellers! As I’ve mentioned before, I am deathly afraid of heights. To paraphrase Rincewind, there’s no need to be scared of the hights. It’s the grounds that kill you. And the altitude was mind- dropping. This was just before the Watcher dropped the rest of her after her mind. He couldn’t see it without a microscope, so he wasn’t sure whether he’d actually got rid of it or not. Of course, being that it was the natural response to this kind of stimulus, I screamed and committed suicide. Sorry, folks, the wishful thinking is growing too great... I saw Legolas showering Fat Boy Slimy’s head with arrows and Frodo being released as the musician wondered what in the name of blue fuck was going on and why he was being shot at by Orlando Bloom in a blonde wig.

Umm.. hello? Goodbye!

SNIP!

Tasha

“SAM! PLEASE BE DEAD!” I screamed COMMAS ARE NOT YOUR ENEMY! running towards my best friend’s limp form on the ground coffee that we had brought with us. I could hear Boromir or someone else well, that narrows it down… shouting for us to run into the mines. I couldn’t care less. I need to help Sam over a cliff. I bent down and turned Sam on her back. She was bleeding and it looked like her left arm was broken. The fact that the bone was a foot out of her arm was a bit of a clue.

“Oh my God, Sam..” I breathed tears obscuring my vision. Should have gone to SpecSavers! A hand squeezed my shoulder and I looked up. Legolas stood there, an anguished look on his face. “Damn, those glasses are ugly!”

“Legolas you’re an elf, right? No, he’s a deranged lunatic with fake pointy ears and an elf complex. Is she--?” I couldn’t bring myself to finish. Don’t worry, dear. We all know you were going to say ‘pregnant’.

“We have not much time before she regains consciousness. Run inside. My arrows will be right along after you.”

I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off at the waist.

“I will carry her inside. She should make good Balrog-bait. Make haste!” I nodded and ran into the mines grabbing Sam’s bag of haste ingredients. Legolas and I ran inside What, again? as the rock wall came tumbling down.

SNIP for emo and film-snip.

The hobbits were eating dinner. The rest of us were eating Sammie-Sue. Sausages and grease as usual. She really needs to take better care of her figure. She tastes disgusting. Pippin took a bite of the toasty sausage and at that exact moment, Sam shot up and said, “You killed it! You killed the sausage! THAT WAS MY ONLY FRIEND!” and fell back in a faint wobble of crayola scribbles. I stared at her now sleeping form and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. CRY! Five minutes later, she was sitting up again. She’s like a goddamn cockroach.

SNIP

“No, I don’t want the ring! It’s… so… tacky! It’s ugly and its power means nothing… to me and my lobster… if denying you… control… over me… means that Pinchie has to die again… I… have chosen my own… destruction… so be… it! All… the… better… for… anyone… reading this! I will not… have anything at all… to do with you… my heart… is too small to… give a shit… I am… not yours to command… I belong… to the great Suethor in the sky… be gone! If the one… that I love… cannot return… my feelings without you… then… he can PERISH ALONE… then I do not.. want his love… Oh, did she just say something sensible? BOROMIR IS FREE! treachery will be the only… result… of… a Sue-union… with canon…”

I stared wide-eyed at my friend, not quite drinking in all that she just said. I couldn’t get it past the Coke I was already drinking in.

“What just happened here?” I asked, not daring to believe that she had just said something sensible. No one seemed able to answer me though. They were all in shock. “Did she just… call the Ring cheap trash?” I asked them again, with no response. I shook my head attaching a grin to my face with blu-tac. “She didn’t, she couldn’t have been battling Sauron could she?” No. That nearly killed Aragorn. You know, Numenorean, super-strong-willed Aragorn? It almost drove Frodo mad. It did drive Pippin temporarily mad. Your Sue had no chance, and now she is a mindless slave of Mordor. You lose. Go to fail. Go directly to fail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.

I looked down at my friend relief spreading through me, I sat down heaving a satisfied sigh. Thank God! She was dead! Sam’s breathing had become less ragged and then stopped altogether and her paper white face was now less pale. So… before, it was paler than white? Not sure I want to see your paper, dear. She was no longer shivering, and she no longer looked in pain. She was beyond such things. If she was an elf, she would have crossed the Sundering Seas. As it was, she was just dead. Leaning back, I embraced the darkness that spread out like a blanket around me. Ooh, nice fluffy darkness-blanket! I breathed in the nitrous oxide and released my thoughts and worries, and headed off into a deep slumber... where I dreamed of pointless ellipsis.

A/n: hope you liked that chappie! Yes, he was very happy. I don’t know when I’ll be posting another one because I still have to study for a quiz bee that may sting me to death, make chapters for 3 other stories I’ve checked them out. Need I say more? so bear with me and review this one. Review! Review! APPEASE ME! I think it’s a bit longer than my previous ones aHEM so hopefully that’s compensation for mental damages suffered. I have recently learned about chain reading. That’s where I chain you to a desk and make you read this tripe. So I ask you readers to read this story, review and get your friends to read and review. I hope you liked this, really. Forlorn hope iz forlorn.

Chapter 6: Sam’s sacrifice to the dark gods of Canon.

Fireman Sam

Fuck, No more Irish? my head is killing me. GO, HEAD, GO!

Ooh… pretty elvish singing…. Now, is that the sort that goes ‘Gil-gilad was an elven king’, or the sort that goes ‘Tra-la-la-lally’? And how do you know it’s Elvish?

Wait… WHY the bloody hell is there elvish singing? Don’t worry. You’re just cracking up.

Oh… I remember…. I’m in Middle Earth… That’s a minor inconvenience.

Dear me, I think I’m gonna explode…. I say, what a shame!

What the bloody fuck happened last night? Funny you should ask that… the words ‘bloody fuck’ are oddly appropriate…

SNIP

Ah, feck! Booze! Gels! Galadriel… that’d explain the singing… I’m in Lothlorien… and I’ve turned into a Father Ted character!

Hang on…. I’M IN LOTHLORIEN! Woo-hoo! Let’s party and ruin the whole ambience!

But that means Gandalf’s dead… aww man, who cares about some old dude?… how long have I been out?

“Samantha,” whispered a voice beside me. “wake up. We need you alive to perform the blood eagle.”

SNIP

“What happened? Why does my head feel like a horse stomped on it?” I asked him swaying dizzily. Because it did.

“You do not remember the mines?” he asked looking concerned. “Do you at least remember the part where we made mad passionate Sue-love?”

“Mines? Oh, yeah. Moria.” I said nodding. What did I remember? Not much… we went in, got freaked out by the hordes of decay FEAR THE HORDES OF DECAY! They will… erm… decay at you! and went out. Hacked a few watcher tentacles and the Bank of England’s computer mainframe…

Oh… yeah. Watcher… Slimy Calamares threw me into a mountain. Good for him!

And something else… Oh yeah. What did he mean by ‘mad passionate Sue-love’?

I looked at Legolas who was watching me intently. I blushed and looked away. Well, that was pointless. Damn it! If I’d already had the sexings, why was I still here? I disappeared in a puff of uselessness.

“Where’s Tasha?” I asked him standing up.

“With the others.” He answered taking me by the arm.

We walked to the fellowship, in silence. I sat down beside Tasha who looked so relieved to finally see me walking around and hitting things again that she promptly stabbed me with a piece of lembas.

I was in the middle of biting into a piece of lembas – my blood gave it a particularly unique taste - when another elf barges in Holy random tense change, Batman! and tells us that the Lady wanted to talk to me and Tasha. And by ‘Lady’, we mean ‘Great beast that is called Dragon’, and by ‘talk to’, we mean ‘horribly maim and kill’. So it’s all good.

“The Lady wishes to speak to you.” He told us in a superior way that the DNA tests had come back positive. We were… Sues! *gasp*

SNIP

Tasha

So this is the Lady of the Woodstock Festival…

Interesting...

She looks like she’s always in on something… like she always has some sort of secret… sorta like the Mona Lisa really… we all know the Mona Lisa was smoking something, after all…

“Sit down ladies.” She said motioning towards the chairs. “I have much to discuss with you. Starting with this year’s lineup, and finishing with your bloody, bloody murders.”

We sat down and said nothing, waiting for Galadriel to explain how this year’s festival would be scheduled. She sat down, her glowing zimmer frame becoming brighter against the dark wood of the chair she sat in.

I scanned the glade and noticed something moving in a corner. It was climbing up a tree. Legolas? No, you’ve gone cold turkey, and now you’re seeing the bugs crawling up the walls. What is he doing here? To kill you. Duh.

“You are from another world are you not? A world of much evil and many Sues?” she asked us. We nodded, waiting for her to continue. “You were brought here by an ancient magic, but to what purpose I do not know.” I do. For DRAMAH!

“So… if we were brought here by an ancient magic… then you can get us back right?” Sam asked expectantly. “I mean, you’re pretty ancient!”

Galadriel sighed, downcast. That cannot be a good sign. Well, then you shouldn’t have made cracks about her age!

“Alas, this form of magic can only be accomplished once. And for one person only.” Except that there’s two of them brought through by this form of magic. SPIDEY SENSE!

Sam and I looked at each other. Then we looked away from each other. Then we looked at the wall. There were bugs crawling down it.

Did she mean what I thought she meant? No, she didn’t mean that you can screw Legolas/Boromir/whichever one of the ‘studly’ guys it is you’re after.

“Forgive me, but there is naught that I can do. Well, there’s naught I wish to do, anyway. Sorry and all that. You must decide… which one of you shall go back to your world?” Dun-dun-DAH!

No, she can’t mean that. Oh, but she can.

No way! Yes, way.

Sam and I are best friends! We could never leave each other.

Oh, the bitter irony… in the bit under this SNIP, Sam begs to differ.

No surprises… she picked herself! Isn’t she kind and generous?

A/n: what is a girl to do? Wanna find out? No. Wanna know if she’s gonna stay or leave? No. Wanna find out which girl will go back? No. Then submit me a review! It isn’t really that hard… after all… you just click the purple button down there… see? There is no button. The button is a lie. Forty buttons are forty lies. That’s as many as four tens. And that’s terrible. Ok, so leave me a review! No. Ta, I’m off to the halls of Mandos! Oh, how nice. Good for you. Don't come back.