Current location:	here
Current mood:	amused

In which Middle-Earth is invaded by a big purple . . . thing
Story Title: New Life
Author: Lady Amalthea75 I think one of Saturn’s moons is named Amalthea. It might be one of Jupiter’s. I dunno. Thus ends the Traditional Snark On The Author’s Alias.
Fandom: Lord, of, the Run-on Sentences (just before the trilogy)

Mock Character Sheet
Name: Anelia
Physical Description: thick, red, “naturally wavy” hair that nearly reaches her waist; clear, fair complexion without red freckles
Personality and beliefs: I’m thinking “the author’s, only better” is as good a description as any
Class: Druid (or “neo-druid”, as a reviewer put it [or “pseudo-druid”, as I’d put it])
Strength: 9
Specialness: 15
Spunk: 14
Chutzpah: 64 No, wait, that's the author. Anelia is . . . I dunno, I'm making these up entirely . . . call it 20.
Backstory: Um, she’s a self-assured individual who takes up photography as an excuse to watch animals. Yes, she failed every Logic and Reasoning class she ever took in school, why do you ask? She’s also a Missourian of druid lineage who likes tailgate parties and would like to be a park ranger when she grows up.
Spells: Level 2 “Make a Glowy Sphere of Light to Freak the Natives Out With”

Abilities: Level 8 “Bake Irresistible Cookies”; Level ? Photography; “Get Everyone to Trust You and Your Freaky-looking Stuff Without Question”

Equipment: Lots of name-brand stuff. Her own home-baked cookies. Plus a plum-colored PT Cruiser. In Middle-Earth. Whee!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Connections to Canon Characters: Becomes gurl friends with Eowyn. Gets on Theodred’s good side. Uses Eomer as a lame antagonist-turned-boyfriend. Uses Grima as a clay pigeon to knock over.

Comments: To some extent, this one avoids the traps of “glorify my OC every chance I get” and “forget how I originally wrote my OC”, which is good. The writing isn’t that bad aside from the unceasingly pointlessly run-on sentences. She has a tendency to go into needless detail.

To her credit, she gives Anelia a reasonably hard time adjusting to life without modern technology. To her discredit, the Rohirrim scarcely blink at Anelia’s stuff.

For me, the really bad parts are the first half of the first chapter and the last half of the fourth chapter (I was leaning towards lumping the last two chapters together until I neared the end). So sick and tired of this hate == love nonsense. Other than that and the grammar, it’s rather a tame Mary Sue.

Disclaimer: I don’t know druidism. I don't really know D&D properly, but that's not stopping me either.

Me … Critic … Jester … Editor … Insanity

Ch. 1 – Anelia discovers Edoras
Wackiness ensues!

Anelia was snapping pictures of buffalo in the State Park that was home to [list of wild animals]. Sorry, I think you’re going to have to narrow it down more than that. Which State Park, exactly? The park also included a nearby bird sanctuary. <_< Not helping. It was a drive-through park, Looks like this is some bizarre form of Twenty Questions, Editor. :P there were a few spots outside of the buffalo area that had picnic tables and allowed people to get out of their vehicles, but it was warned against to leave your vehicle in the buffalo section. *wince* Okay, I’m going to guess now. I think it’s . . . McDonald’s State Park! [Why is she making a point of keeping her distance when she believes the animals (which are presumably bison, by the way, Miss Nature Lover) don’t care and aren’t going to make any sudden moves? Setting an example for others, I suppose.]

Anelia was a modern day druid, meaning she was strongly resistant to modern and day attacks but took double damage from antique, post-modern, and night attacks. she had come from a long line of devout druids, all of whom died of taking double damage from sacrilegious attacks, and was of Welsh descent, so she was resistant against . . . umm . . . dangit, is Wales the only part of the U.K. that doesn’t have a stereotypical type of booze associated with it?!. Anelia knew all about druids, having found and avidly read a cache of books about them in her childhood. they specialized in divination, could not wear chain or plate armor, and performed their rituals in isolated forests (or in temples when the plot required it), Enough with the nerdiness already! :P in the past they had often used human sacrifices in their rituals. She of course did not agree with the human sacrifices bit, No, no, of course not. and she was not particularly interested in divination, so of course it will not feature in the story at all, except perhaps for a passing “if only I’d known . . .”. Let’s not bother with divination. ’Tis a silly place. The world was a sad place, full of crime, war, stupidity, and a carelessness for nature and grammarCOMMA and it all was taking it’s toll on earth,PERIOD Fortunately, water and air usually escaped unscathed. Poor dirt, it can only sit there and take it. […]

Instead Anelia had learned the healing magic,Period she wanted to be a Park Ranger, in a park like the one she was in now, and healing magic would come in handy if an animal under her care was wounded or sick. O RLY. Anelia also loved photography because it gave her a reason to go out into nature and watch animals. Anelia often came in contact with people who claimed to be a ‘wiccan’, these people annoyed her. They had no magic skills, they did not even practice their supposed religion, they didn’t even use capital letters. they just used it as a title for themselves. It was like taking a character class that supposedly specializes in divination and then deliberately shunning all forms of divination. something to get them attention, make them feel special, and Anelia was sick of all the different ways the human race clamored to get attention and be seen as different and special. This is consistent with the author—excuse me, with Anelia getting into druidism for the sake of the power offered. *grumbles about wishy-washy people picking and choosing their beliefs for comfort’s sake* Anelia did not advertise that she was a druid, [No interaction allowed! The only possible reason for interaction is to make yourself look good!] A religion or belief was something personal, therefore it should remain on a personal level. Which is precisely why Anelia intended to use the powers “granted” by hers on an ecological level. All this lack of care for others’ opinion of oneself is also precisely why she needed an excuse to “go out into nature and watch animals.”

[Anelia is headed off to a tailgate party at The Chick-Fil-A State Monument. Gee, I wonder what will happen there? Yeah, the accidental discovery and pillars cinch it.]

[Blah blah blah, repetitive description of a place that doesn’t even seem to factor into the story. Maybe it’s an actual place the author actually stumbled across?]

Anelia was asked to bring some drinkage o_O and snackages :P for the party, so she had bought several six-backs ? of bottled soda, including Sunkist, her favorite. . . . Slang aside, that may have been the most nearly correct sentence in this entire story so far. Why can’t the author handle the simpler sentences?! [Shout-outs are fun. :-)] She had also thrown together her famous No-Bake Cookies, all of this was in the backseat of her plum PT Cruiser oh my. LOL which she was turning toward now to put her camera away. [Insert teleport-y sound of your choice here.]

There was an enormous hill, a bit like a Missouri mountain, I guess a smallish mountain would be called a Hawaii hill. and on the hill was a castle of some sort. [Snip the description] …she was still in Missouri, right? Nope. We’ve enacted a law to evict wishy-washy types like yourself from our state. Enjoy Illinois! Illinois has castles? Erm . . . I don’t know . . . *checks the settings on the catapult* Whoops, I guess it was set a mite too strong. Oh well. You realize you’ve just set yourself up for a lawsuit from wherever she’s landed, right? :P . . . Oops. And a gate would allow people in…if the guards deemed them worthy. O RLY? Yes. It’s a new addition.

Anelia was sure this was not in this park, she had been in this park many times and had never seen this, was she dreaming, or seeing things? *falls over laughing* Oh, stop that. I have fifty bucks on Editor being the first to crack, and you’re not going to cheat me out of my win. :P I was glancing over Wikipedia to see if I could find a suitable state park, and . . . oh dear, this is just perfect. Yeah, whatever. I still don’t understand how you can speak in URLs. :P [The buffalo are also gone. {Anelia} *peering upwards at the park’s face; childlike* “You aren’t my park. You only look like it from the legs down. . . . Where’s my park?”] *falls out of his chair again* This is priceless! Look where the World Bird Sanctuary is located now! It’s like the State itself is snarking on this story! Maybe the author was "inspired" by her visits to the park.

[Well, if you’re lost somewhere due to spacetime weirdness, you might as well get a few souvenirs, right? Okay, done. Now, where’d she put her purse . . .] She dug through it until she found her cell phone which she pulled out and began dialing a number on. Her resourcefulness amazes me. I would never have thought of doing that with a cell phone!

[She fails her roll. Nerd! :P Maybe a different number will work? No? Oh darn. Save me, laptop, you’re my only hope!]

she pulled it open and hit the onCapital O or quote marks or something, please button, hurriedly she typed in her password PlumPTCruzrInMERox! No, that was last month. Now it’s ILuvCommas. when it was asked for and the computer finished logging in. Thanks for that detailed explanation. I have no clue how the login procedure on a PC works, which is why I’m sitting here, reading a fanfic about LotR on the Internet. [Anelia is sure there will be someone online she can talk to. Unfortunately that doesn’t matter, because she fails this roll as well. Unfortunately that doesn’t matter, because she’s probably kinda sorta in the middle of nowhere as far as wireless Internet connectivity is concerned.]

Eowyn rushed into the Feasting Hall where her brother Eomer and her cousin Prince Theodred sat having a cool drink and talking in a jovial manner. Both men looked up at her as she entered from the Famining Hall and paused to catch her breath. “What is it cousin?” Theodred asked before he took another drink. {Eowyn} “You have IM!” If only. Internet and plum PT Cruisers in Middle-Earth . . . that would be hilarious. “There’s this….big purple….thing. It just appeared out of nowhere!” She exclaimed confusedly. [I love that line.] “Also…there’s a person by this…thing. It appears to be a woman.” Eowyn went onbabbled, Theodred nodded off. “A big purple thing and a woman, this bears some looking into.” *snerk* I have no clue whether this is in character for anyone involved and I don’t care. :P I wanna see the vehicle take on the Witch-King on his . . . flying beast-thing. You and Plymouth both! {Witch-King} “Muahahaha, no man may slay me!” {shiny, unstained Cruiser} *runs Ringwraith over* Theodred stated as she stood up and set his mug down on the table with a thump. Eomer shrugged and followed […] I gotta think that’s a little out of character. When Eowyn’s reduced to acting agitated about a “big purple thing”, the situation merits more than a shrug.