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"Day 241: Mali stunningly purty. V. daft chapter. Still not King."
Okay, the lj-cut tags seem to be staying put this time.

Story Or Series Title: The Bonds of Friendship
Rated: M for Mature
Fandom: Lord of “Not seeing the forest for the trees”
Culprit Author's Name: ForeverImaginative

Full Name (plus titles if any): Malinare (“Golden Sunlight”), daughter of Manáre
Full Species(es): Elf (Sidhia angstia, perhaps, based on The Sue in the Field)
Hair Color (include adjectives): golden. “The top half of her hair was pulled back by small twists and held together by a leather tie”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Don’t seem to be described yet. (Legolas’s eyes, on the other hand . . .)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Don’t think so, no. She blushes easily.
Special Possessions (if any): Her clothing, I guess. A nice, lush bedroom and bath.

Annoying Origin: Rivendell.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Daughter of one of Elrond’s “trusted” councilors; she and her dad are playing exchange student or goodwill hostage or something between Rivendell and MirkGreenwood. Wuv object of Legolas.
Annoying Special Abilities: Good with the bow, though it’s not really annoying yet.
Other Annoying Traits: Being betrothed to Legolas’s Previously Unknown Brother under threat of harm to Legolas while being in love (or in-love-but-not-aware-of-being-in-love) with Legolas. The P.U.B. is introduced and (presumably) confirmed as Irredeemably 99.6% Evil in the second chapter, and any authority figures who could possibly hold him in check are going to wipe their hands of the situation and ship out shortly.

Critic Editor Jester Insanity Me several
I cannot be held responsible for any inaccuracies Jester may commit in summarizing snippage. <_< No insult is intended to the author.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Ch. 3 – Training and Festivities
[…]

“Why are you cheering her on? He’s better with the sword-“ <-- See? She’s not much of a Mary Sue.

“He may be better with the sword, but she’s better to watch!” That would be Lommy talking.

[…]

It had been eight months since Malinare joined the guard, and while it was nothing short of odd at firstComma the other Elves began to treat her like another one of the guys… sort of. She just happened to be one of the very attractive… female, guys. *twitch* She’s just this guy, you know? :P

[Malinare isn’t as good with the sword, but she wins anyway.] With a smile she lowered her weapon and turned away, only to be skewered by one of the knives that Elven guards keep safely stashed away.

“All_right, all_right...” Legolas smiled as the other Elf went to pick up his sword, the other’s *facepalm* cheering for her win. “That’s enough; I think you’ve all had plenty fun for the day. Tomorrow we’re practicing archery so have your equipment.” {Random guard} “Woohoo, I love archery! Good ol’ Coach Legolas.”

[…]

“I still don’t see why we have to attend his party tonight.” The party she referred to was in celebration of (Three guesses, and the first three don’t count.) Lómëloth’s coming of age. [The author has decided she can’t wait another two in-story months for the party to be held.]

“I never imagined an Elf could be so daft, but the author’s writing of your brother has proved it possible.” [He’s not daft, just obsessive.]

[Begin flashback to that one time that the guard practiced “all day” and Lommy stood there and watched her the whole time.]

… It was almost the end of practice, Malinare noted I don’t think clocks had been invented yet. Had they? as she pulled the bowstring taunt and took aim before releasing the arrow. It flew true and struck the target dead center. Of course it did.

[Lommy wants to blow this popsicle stand. Legolas is meh. Legolas has been kinda apathetic this whole story, come to think of it.]

“Okay, that’s enough for today. Go home, and enjoy yourselves until next practice. Don’t forget to read pages 58-62 in your textbook and answer the discussion questions.”

[Lommy moves in.]

“I wanted to let you know that I shall be escorting you to the festivities, and I’ve had a gown made for you to wear. Be ready for an extensive paragraph of description when the sun begins to set.” *starts taking bets on whether Malinare likes the dress*

[Lommy is a standard Totally Implacable Threat To The OC’s Happiness.]

Malinare groaned then, scrunching her nose in aggravation. That might be the most characterization she’s had yet. “This honestly isn’t fair; I shouldn’t be ‘required’ to attend.”

Legolas laughed again before giving her a small shove. “You should be quick, Malinare… you need to wash and get ready. But rest assured, I’ve seen the gown he had made for you, and you will be beautiful in it.” Ooo, nice touch. The author manages to have Legolas compliment the OC at the same time he attempts to engage the reader’s curiosity about the gown.

[Malinare espies the gown. It’s description time!]

‑­ *taking a deep breath*

The gown itself was a violet-red, and the wherever a shadow touched looked purple. The top had no sleeves; instead it was tight-fitting and would no doubt display cleavage. T-shirts are your friends. It seems that the Elves have two forms of female formal dress: Long-sleeved gowns and racy sleeveless top-and-skirt combos. I have no idea where the strappy thing from the “Feast” chapter is supposed to fit in. The entire back was lace-up, and while the top half of the sides was solid cloth, the bottom half was also to be laced (so said the instruction manual)– for effect. The skirts were a sight to behold, O RLY? what with several layers of material to cause a lens flare. The outer layer looked as if the material had been bunched up in places and sewn to keep it that way.

She set it back down on her bed then and moved off to her private bathing chambers. They were spacious with a tiled floor. [There are shampoo, soap, lotion, perfume, and even “fluffy towels”. So it’s a proper modern fancy sunken bath. Oh, except they have “vials” instead of “bottles”. Silly me. No rubber duckies? Why, isn’t shampoo anachronistic enough?]

[Malinare likes to bathe. Actually, she probably likes to bath. <_< A road sign escapes from her mouth. We learn she has a handmaiden with the amusing name of “Beinasea”. The author rattles off four things about B. and then stops, presumably satisfied that her characterization is complete.]

A small vanity had been set up with a plush chair, and that was where Beinasea lead-pencilled her. Sounds painful. *with relish* Oh, it is. Soon Beinasea was working the tangles from Malinare’s golden locks, humming a soft tune as she did. “You are going to look absolutely stunning, Malinare.”

Malinare rolled her stunning eyes playfully. “I don’t care to look stunning, Beinasea, I don’t even want to be there tonight.”

It was Beinasea’s turn to roll her eyes then, how many times had she heard this before? [Mali whines about Lommy so much, you’d think he was perving on her or something.] But as always she smiled. “But think, Malinare... you will look stunning to everyone there, I am sure that even Prince Legolas would notice you.” He would? What a stunning idea. :P What’s this? One of the sympathetic characters finds the OC annoying?

Malinare signed. (a/n: forgot to mention she lost her voice when Lomeloth’s clumsiness distracted another of the guard and he shot her in the voicebox.) “I’ve told you at least a thousand stunning times that, even if I were interested in him, that he is my Captain, and it would be wrong for us to do anything.”

Beinasea pulled the last stunning knot from Malinare’s dark mane before grinning. “So you don’t deny minding that Prince Legolas would notice.”

“Beinasea, we’ll be here forever if you don’t hush up.” Malinare ignored the smile the other Elf gave her at that moment and yet again avoided the ‘Legolas’ question, this time by swerving into the left lane.

[It’s the Mali Hairdo™ reredux, this time with violets and precious stones.]

Taking that as a queue, Malinare reached back to touch her hair. Why would Beinasea give her a pigtail? moved into the center of the room, laying her towel on the bed as Beinasea approached with the skirt of DOOM.

[Malinare discovers the “pleasures” of an old-fashioned corset.]

“How am I supposed to breath?” Beats me. When she received no response, Malinare quieted her whines (!) and watched as Beinasea began gathering a few small vials of lightly colored liquid. {Malinare} “Oh.” One of the vials contained a light pink color, the other contained a slightly darker pink and the third contained a shimmery clear liquid. {Beinasea} “One of these liquids will restore your father to you. Either of the other two will kill you instantly. Choose . . . wisely.” {Malinare} “Um, well . . . that pink one looks good . . . but . . . the other one—oh, I can’t tell! Oooh, I know! Am I allowed to just try all of them at once?” {Beinsea} “Yes. Please do.”

[Raise your hand, everyone who remembers any Elves in the books actually wearing lipstick or other makeup. *stillness ensues*]

[Malinare congratulates Beinasea on taking only two hundred paragraphs to get her dressed and fancied up.]

“Ai, you do look beautiful Mali.” In the doorway stood Lómëloth, his robes the color of the sea in the setting sun. *confused* He wore a slender silver circlet about his brow, and his smile was anything but friendly as he looked her over. {Author} “I can’t decide, so I’ll leave it up to you. You aren’t allowed to say it’s friendly, but other than that, have fun.” Ooo! Ooo! I think it was ferromagnetic. :)

[Lommy is aggressively genteel.]

“You are a stunning sight Malinare, and you shall look wonderful at my side. Muahahahaha!” He leaned his head closer to hers as one of his hands took a lock of her hair, rolling it between his fingers. “Perhaps one day you shall remain at my side as my Queen, not run around and play foolish games on my brother’s guard. On the other hand, perhaps one day I too shall discover the delights of ‘Twister’.”

Lómëloth really was daft as a bowlful of robins in Malinare’s opinion, for the moment he took a lock of her hair her entire body tensed, yet he seemed not to take notice. As we all know, social incompetence = daftness. […] “You will be my Queen, Malinare. My father may have let you on the guard, but when I am sitting on that throne I will not allow such nonsense.” Oh noes! Wait, I mean . . . no, I was right the first time. Never mind.

Malinare tensed more, but when she spoke her voice was cool as a stunning summer’s night in Tahiti. “If you think I will be your Queen then you are mistaken. My Leggy will save me.”

[…]