He wiggled excitedly and petted my chest, finding my nipples among the curls and tweaking them like I'd done to his. "But you're going to suck on me first thing in the morning to see if I can grow breasts. So my nipples will be all tingly under the linen blouse. And if it's too rough, we'll have to go shopping for my first bra. Oh, will you let me wear the plug when we're outside in public?"

Nergal the Sane: As far as I can tell, at the worst possible part.

Nergal the Insane: And since when is it a crime to have male nipples show?

Nergal the Sane: *backs away from Nergal the Insane*

Nergal the Insane: It was a rhetorical question! Oh, wait, Harry’s a girl now, so of course his nipples can’t show, and… Pah.

 

 

"I'll think about it, sweetheart. Those are a little more advanced games we can play a little later.

Ninis: *shudders*

 

I don't know if I ever want to let you leave these four walls.

Nergal the Sane: Is this really supposed to be a fluffy romance fic? Perhaps this is actually a detailed examination of the brainwashing of a traumatized, mentally handicapped teenage boy, written through the filters of what the boy wants to believe and what the child-molester thinks. Will there be a big reveal at the end?

Guardian’s Song: *raises head from ground* No. *collapses again*

Nergal the Sane: Are you sure?

 

I want to lock the door and never go out again."

Ninis: He… he’s mad…

Nergal the Insane: You’re insulting mad people, dragon.

 

 I cradled him close and nudged my cock between his legs to rest against his cleft.

Nergal the Sane: The rectum is not a vagina, and the buttocks are NOT repeat NOT the lips of the vagina!

Nergal the Insane: Cheeks… lips… we know this Stuthor gets confused easily…

Nergal the Sane: *hits him*

********* Harry *********

His cock was hard again Do you have ANY idea how many times he’s gotten it up?! …No. And… I do not want… to know. and I tightened my legs around him to give him a little friction. The ass-dildo in the shape of the orc-king’s cock plug moved when I did If it didn’t… you would… have a great deal of problems. and I was feeling rather warm all over because of it. But not ready to come again. "I think my cock is tired, Sev. All I can feel is tingles."

Nergal the Sane: So, why isn’t Snape, a much older man, having trouble as well? He’s not getting any younger.

Nergal the Insane: There are potions for that! ...I know that through my research, not through personal experience.

Ninis: …

 

 

"I've forgotten how many times you came today, sweetheart *walks in* COMMA! *walks out* but not even a teenager has unlimited opportunities to come in 24 hours." His hands rubbed down my back in soothing strokes and I hummed a little before closing my eyes for a minute.

Nergal the Insane: And then I closed them forever.

 

 

With a start, I woke up and wondered where I was.

Ninis: It was… all a dream?

Nergal the Sane: YES! YES! *rejoices and hugs Ninis’ leg* Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! It’s over! Hahahaha! *grins widely*

Nergal the Insane: Pleasant as that would be… look at the next line. Get out of my face, you wretched dragon! I’m just the messenger! Free-for-all, in retaliation.

 

There was a reassuring thud-thud-thud of a very angry… dragon… approaching the child-molester… *attempts to be quieter* …Oh. You too? under my cheek *snerk* Which ones? and I remembered in a rush who I was lying on.

Nergal the Sane: (Harry) I screamed and broke open the window, then jumped through. I got cut a bit, but managed to contact the police. They were shocked that a fine, upstanding member of the community like John Aberforce could have done such a thing. However, when I explained my situation – modifying it to leave out the Death Eaters and wizards – they were forced to believe me. Our next-door neighbor testified that Aberforce had arrived with his “niece” yesterday when Snape tried to deny my presence at his home. Soon enough, in all the resulting chaos, the Weasleys arrived – my real family came to the rescue. Ron, while incredibly disturbed by the whole situation, was supportive through the entire recovery process –

Roy: *walks in* (Harry) And soon, friendship turned to more… And Ron helped bring Snape from Muggle jail to Wizarding jail, and the bastard got Kissed. *cheers*

Nergal the Insane: …If only.

Nergal: *continues, ignoring them* And Ginny toughened up so that she could act as my helper through school. Dumbledore supposedly nearly keeled over when he heard the news… something about “I shouldn’t have emphasized the eyes…”

Ninis: *sighs* I… wish…

 

It was dark and quiet here and I felt safer than safe and prettier than pretty and wittier than witty and oh so GAYER THAN GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! Is this from experience? Be silent.. I had to go to the bathroom again but I was so comfortable I didn't want to move. And if Sev was asleep, I didn't want to wake him.

Nergal the Insane: (Harry) So that I could cut his throat in his sleep.

 

"Harry?" His sleepy murmur brought my head up AAAH! No! No! UPPER head!. "All right? All… wrong. Completely… wrong."

 

{snip them getting out of bed}

 

We didn't turn on a light. He was used to where things were and I finally had sight to see things clearly. That was such a gift he'd given me *Staggers to feet* SHUT IT, IDIOT. What were you, BLIND? I say this story is discrimination against glasses-wearing people. You know, if he couldn’t distinguish shapes in the dark, he has SERIOUS problems. I’m just so pissed off by this story. It’s insulted women and glasses-wearing people – If they start sneering at Hermione because “She’s too smart”, or something, I’ll go nuts. And if they call Hufflepuffs stupid, I’d like to have a talk with them. One for which I’ll have to borrow Mrs. Weasley’s Capslock of Rage the entire time., I thought while peeing. The unfamiliar plug inside me moved when I did and made walking a real challenge. No, no, allow me to make it a real challenge. *brandishes knife* I felt bow-legged and it didn't help when Sev stroked me there and pushed it in. The flash of heat Just a flash? HAH. *uses Flamethrower on Stu* was good though and I washed my hands while shifting back and forth to see if I could get it back on my own.

Ninis: What did that… sentence… just say?

Nergal the Sane: I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.

 

 

Sev was just shaking his cock free of a last drop *all in unison* TOO MUCH INFORMATION! when I turned around. The moonlight coming in the high window turned him to half-dark, half-shadow.

Nergal the Insane: As far as I can tell, the Stuthor just declared Snape was covered in shadow.

Nergal the Sane: Oh, really? Then why was it so purple?

Nergal the Insane: After the Cassandra Claire sporkings, I wouldn’t be surprised if she ripped it off from somewhere.

 

I should have been scared of how ominous he looked No, you should be scared because he is a CHILD MOLESTER who OUTRIGHT SAID that he wanted to make you his slave in every way possible! but instead, all I could think of was how heavy his cock had felt when I touched him earlier; how the veins corded and warts oozed around his average but excellent length; and how thick he'd been in my fingers.

Ninis: Is… Snape’s… thing a loaf of bread?

Nergal the Insane: If I still had to eat, you would have just ruined bread for me.

 

His hand brushed back my hair when he came to the sink. "What are you thinking, sweetheart?"

 

"How powerful you look naked

Nergal the Sane: *praying* And though we walk through the valley of slash/ no Harlequin romance novels will touch us –

Anita: Oh, did you mention The Harlequin? That’s my book! YAAAAAY!

Ninis: Out! Out! By the power of good written sex!

Nergal the Insane: Is there such a thing?

Ninis: …

 

and how much I want to touch your BIG! And HARD! *puts on red wig* LIKE A RIPE PLUM! cock again."

 

A chuckle was my answer and a soft kiss on the top of my head.

Ninis: Did Harry… or Snape… chuckle?

Nergal the Sane: *shrugs* No idea. Hmm, the sex has been only indirectly mentioned… rejoice!

 

"After we awake the next time, Harry, I promise we'll make time for every touch you want *child-molester voice* and many that you don’t. *SHUDDER*."

 

Then I was flying through the air and the noose broke my neck. “It’s all for you, Sev!” …You just suggested… that Damien Thorn… was having a relationship… with his nanny. *both Nergals* Yes, so? *human form* Energy conservation needed… into his arms. Instinctively I wrapped my legs around his waist and hugged him tight. He has arm-like legs? It seems Snape isn’t the only ape. After fourteen years of no touches except from my own sweet, sweet hand – No, I do not know from personal experience! …I do… *sighs* Virgin for two hundred years… ...I didn’t need to know of my previous inability to get laid. Who did you finally lose it with, anyway –… With the DRAGON?! I was pitiful., I had as many as I wanted. He carried me back to bed *eyetwitch* You worthless little brat. How vicious are those Mass-Production EVAs, anyway?

Guardian’s Song: … *takes Unit 02 and dashes off*

=Later=

*chokes* Viiiiiiiicious… damn Suethors… *collapses in a bloody heap*

Nergal the Sane: Do you think she’s d-… down for good?

Roy: Of course not! Watch this! HEY! We’re going to run away from the sporking and live happily ever af-

Guardian’s Song: OH NO YOU AREN’T! *Unit 02 staggers to one foot and hops on it*

Richard: …Thank you, genius.

 

 and we slid in together under the soft sheet.

 

{snip, Harry comments the sheets are nice and falls asleep}

 

This time is even better, I thought waking up with a sigh. Sev's hot mouth was sucking the nipple over my heart while one of his hands slowly stroked up and down my cock.

Roy: Pfft, only a sigh? He must have been doing a poor job.

Nergal the Insane: Over his heart, hmm? How SYMBOLIC. Showing that it’s true love instead of genital-based. *smirks* And we all know how true love stories end, don’t we?

Ninis: …*shudders* I… I shouldn’t ask, but… how?

Nergal the Insane: DURANDAL!!! Ah hah ha… ha hah ha hah ha hah ha HAAAAAH!!!

 

 

"Morning, Uncle John, I like waking up this way." I threaded my fingers through his short hair and wished it was long like mine.

Nergal the Sane: Well, it is. In CANON. But where did the canon go?

 

 

He gave me a last lick before sliding up to kiss me. Our tongues swapped back and forth from my mouth to his and back again.

Ninis: …*stares at sentence* What? I don’t understand human customs, but… tongue-swapping? How does one even do that?

Nergal the Sane: Bad slash. It may not be written by humans.

Ninis: Dragons didn’t –

Nergal the Sane: Elder Gods, possibly. Oh, wonderful. If Snape acquires tentacles, we’ll know it’s them.

Nergal the Insane: So, what would you do about it?

Nergal the Sane: DO?! The Elder Gods, you fool! All you can do is be driven mad!

Ninis: This must be a creation of the Elder Gods, then.

 

He tasted strong and slightly bitter but that might be me, I thought.

 

"Good morning, Mary, wake-up calls are my specialty." His eyes glowed in the early morning light. O_o How SUPREMELY unsexy. "But you are the only one I will ever want to service."

 

I hugged him, my throat full of a big lump. Normally, I would sneer at the cliché, but here I can’t be certain if it’s just the crying cliché or if Snape’s penis detached and stuck in his throat. *DRAGON FORM* It’s not my fault, it’s the fic! Nobody had ever wanted me like this.

Nergal the Sane: (Harry) *in a monotone* I have always wanted to be forced to play to an older man’s fantasies. I love Sev. I love dresses. Sev will always protect me. I love Sev. I exist solely for Sev. *SHUDDERS*

 

Everybody else wanted me to save the world; kill Voldemort;

Ninis: …Shinji? Snape is… not Kaworu…

I thwear I know nothing about thith thtory.

Guardian’s Song: KAWORU! I saw Chapter 67 of the manga! GET BACK IN BED WITH SHINJI, you cute little –

…*leaves*

 

and win at Quidditch COMMAS! NOT SEMICOLONS! *pats on back* There, there….

 

 I liked the idea of winning at Quidditch Fixed! We now have canon! And I shall call it my squishy, and it shall be my squishy… Elbe, see the pretty copy of Deathly Hallows? Look away from the fic, and you can have many, MANY chapters of pure canon… LOOK AWAY FROM THE FIC! but I was afraid most of the time about everything else. I was one of those pawns that Ron would sacrifice to win the game. …Is that… Weasley-bashing from context… or Weasley-praise for Ron’s… chess skills? I didn't trust Dumbledore any more. He was the chess master and I was only important because of that damn prophecy.

Ninis: …No badfic is… complete… without… Dumbledore-bashing.

Nergal the Sane: It comes out of nowhere. It’s like… it’s like…

Nergal the Insane: Huge penises being necessary for bad porn.

Nergal the Sane: Exactly! …O_o

Claire: Hey! I disagree with that! Sheesh, there are the breasts of doom…

Anita: NO! DOOMCOCKS ARE THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL –

Claire: BREASTS.

Anita: *puts on red wig* Ah, but if there are no OMG SO BIIIIIIG cocks floating around –

Nergal the Sane: *retches and hugs Ninis’ leg*

Anita: -THEN, it has to be a lesbian sex scene, and everyone knows that nipples are magic orgasm buttons in lesbian sex scenes!

Claire: …WHAT?! What are you on, and where can I get some? Geez, lady!

Anita: So speaks Meredith NicEssus, aka Merry Gentry, aka She Who Must Not Be – I mean, She Who Must Be Screwed, for she is possessed by the Goddess Danu, and occasionally the Consort so that she can give women superpowers through sex too.

Claire: I repeat. What are you –

Anita: *whips off wig* That was Merry, thirty-three years old. Old hag.

Claire: Never mind. I’m going to have OH-NOT-LESBIAN-AT-ALL *rolls eyes* wrestling with Thorn. Nope. NO LESBIANISM IN SIGHT!

Thorn: Damn straight!

Claire: …I feel more and more sorry for Ginny in Rose Potter by the day. *departs*

Nergal the Sane: How did we go from commentary on Dumbledore-bashing to talking about lesbians?

Nergal the Insane: Anita Blake.

Ninis: …And you.

Nergal the Inane: Pah. Not as much as – if that isn’t a typo in my title, I’ll…

 

 

"Harry, what's causing this wrinkle?" Sev's finger smoothed between my eyes.

 

Looking up into disembodied concerned eyes, I tried a smile. "I worry about the Headmaster and what's going to happen next year at school."

Nergal the Sane: …I know the context of this remark, but considering some of the fics that are around, it sounds like Dumbledore will be molesting Harry next year.

Ninis: That’s… ridicu-

Nergal the Sane: Harry Potter and the Unborn Chance. Search for it on fanfiction.net. Dumbledore has been Obliviating EVERYONE who knows ANYTHING. Oh, and MPreg, too. And Snarry. And Voldemort is Harry’s father.

Ninis: …*cries for canon*

 

 

He nodded somberly. "I worry, too. The Headmaster has many concerns such as, if his fanon personality is any indication, Yui. That’s Snape. I said fanon, not CANON. and you and I are two of them. But we are only two of many others. What happens in three months will happen. This summer we'll enjoy each other and I will work with you to strengthen your abilities. …Only in Anita Blake are… sex skills… considered a serious “ability”. OBSERVE MY DEEP-THROATING SKILLS! AND LACK OF A GAG REFLEX! BIIIIIIIIG OMG SO BIIIIIIG AND HAAAAAAAAARD - …Mrs. Weasley, you… might want to… wait for… a moment. I… have to clean these off… they’re not… you don’t want to see what’s on them… You will *not* be alone when your battle comes. Harry/Snape/Voldemort threesome?! Wonderful. *attacks* I promise you this."

 

And I started crying just like that. He rolled onto his back and brought me with him, wrapping his arms and legs around me until I was cocooned in a hug.

Ninis: This… might be… romantic if… it wasn’t in this… story. As is… “cocooned”?

 

He murmured soft words that I didn't really understand but the love in them lodged deep in my heart. That would be the sharpened edge of my tome, actually. *yanks it out* You stab people with your tomes? Bludgeoning them to death doesn’t quite work when they’re supremely powerful. Stabbing them… works. Not completely, but well enough to HURT. And yes, for once, I admit that is from personal experience. …Admit? Blast. I meant, it is from personal experience. Finally I tapered off and just lay there sniffing into his chest hair.

Nergal the Sane: And then he choked on Snape’s simian chest hair. THE END.

 

A white handkerchief appeared by my nose and I sat up slowly to take it and blow. Harry’s really loose in this fic, isn’t he? He even blows the hankerchief! Roy. Do us a favor, and either comment continuously, like the rest of us, or don’t comment at all. Hmph. You’re just like Richard. “He” sat up too, keeping me close to his foreskin. What have I done?! I don’t know about you, but the answer for Roy is probably “Close to the population of the entire country”. WHAT?! Damnit, Richard! I have NOT! Been a pervert over, maybe, but not actual sex! …I wonder what your definition of sex is. Stop harassing Big Brother, Richard. *grumbles* "Harry, don't keep these fears inside of you. They get in the way of the butt-plug. *weeps for sanity* I promise not to judge or belittle them except in my mind. Tell me when the pressure of 'what will' or 'why this' begins to build up. Sometimes a good crying cock – Hey! Don’t look at me like that! It had the weeping cocks first! works wonders. I've done it myself After all of Roy’s… comments… I’m taking that differently than I should. …(Snape) – To pictures of Lily Evans – when I'm feeling all alone and trapped in a life I don't want."

Nergal the Insane: How very wangsty and emo.

Ninis: It… makes sense… actually. The canon-rape done to… Severus Snape… is enough to make… anyone cry. He is… trapped in a life… where he’s molesting Harry… while he… wants to be with Lily… so close… yet so far…

 

I leaned in, the crumpled, soggy CUT THAT OUT!!! Yes, Mrs. Weasley. My apologies. handkerchief in my hand and my arms squeezing tightly around his neck. "Thank you, Sev. I promise to tell you when I get afraid or unsure."

 

"Or angry, Harry," his dark eyes gazed into mine. "Anger can be destructive but also lead to wangsty sex that ends in healing cocks. Actually, it would be much better if you would not comment. Too late. He’s defending his mind with innuendo. In this fic, that would require near-constant – uh-oh. Captain Obvious reporting for duty… yes, it WOULD. I'd prefer we don't destroy our home in a fit of mad."

Ninis: …“A fit of mad”?

Nergal the Sane: That makes no sense to me, either.

Nergal the Insane: Perhaps it means… no, I’m not sure what it means.

Ninis: …Perhaps the house… could be destroyed… in a fit of rage… I may not be able to… destroy the Stus… but at least… I would eliminate the bidet… and the other as-yet-unspoken-of sex toys…

Nergal the Insane: What is she talking about?

Roy: *begins to run*

Nergal the Sane: *grabs Nergal the Insane* Captain Obvious, let me borrow your role for a moment. FIT OF DRACONIC RAGE! HEAD FOR COVER!

Ninis: …RAAAAAAAAAWR! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR… RRRROOOAAAAAAAARRRRR!

(Translation: For canon! When the time comes to make a choice between what is right and what is easy… Remember Harry Potter and Severus Snape!) *charges*

 

END OF SPORK SECTION