Pass the Sporks & Bleeprin.

Me Critic Editor Jester Paranoia several

Story Or Series Title: Tainted With Memories And Scars
Rated: M for Mature (for gore and sex)
Fandom: LotR (approx. 98% movieverse, 1.9% bookverse, and trace amounts of preservatives.)
Culprit Author's Name: Bellethiel_Merilwen

Full Name (plus titles if any): Trinity Erin Night.
Full Species(es): Trinity (Decambulatorian enigma): Human?
Hair Color (include adjectives): Trinity: “Her back hair was straight and long, perfectly parted”. And when the author says back hair, she probably means raven locks, judging from Chapter 4.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Trinity: “emerald” green, or "jade" green for a change of pace.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: The purpose of Trinity’s existence appears to be to prove that mediocre-looking, psychotic entities can be irresistibly sexy. Or something. All the conflicting statements about her have mixed with the descriptions of the others in my head and confused me somewhat.
Special Possessions (if any): Trinity: The on/off switches for Legolas’s nostalgia for his one twu wuv. Also has someone else as well. A necklace chain thingy that has a dove with thorns, given to her by a "lover". Many knives. Intermittent paranoia or a facsimile of same. An accent that’s “untraceable” whether in NYC or Middle-earth.
Annoying Origin: Trinity: The author’s mind.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Trinity: Obsessed over by Legolas, obsessed over by coarse!Boromir, and turns Strider’s head. Inexplicably claimed by Frodo as kin for the purpose of allowing her to enter Bree. Either has sexual relations with Haldir or stands by while he strangles in a freak accident (we’re not sure).
Annoying Special Abilities: Trinity: Standard “jump in before the canon character” and “running mental commentary” stuff. Just WILL NOT DIE. DAGNABBIT.

Other Annoying Traits: Early on: The “sex = rite of passage to adulthood” cliché. Wallowing in the unjustified emotions of a moment. Later: Using certain Fellowship characters as foils for her main OC and often ignoring the rest. Struggling with the difference between a comma and a semi-colon; repeated neglect of the hyphen. Abusing the meaning out of “slowly”, “fine”, “evenly”, “slightly”, and other words and phrases. Most of that is tame stuff, isn’t it? I’ve killed men for less. Really? . . . No.
Trinity: smugness.

( In which one sporker gives up )

Story Or Series Title: Tainted With Memories And Scars

Rated: M for Mature (for gore and sex)
Fandom: LotR (approx. 98% movieverse, 1.9% bookverse, and trace amounts of preservatives.)
Culprit Author's Name: Bellethiel_Merilwen

Full Name (plus titles if any): Trinity Erin Night.
Full Species(es): Trinity (Decambulatorian enigma): Human?
Hair Color (include adjectives): Trinity: “Her back hair was straight and long, perfectly parted”. And when the author says back hair, she probably means raven locks, judging from Chapter 4.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Trinity: “emerald” green.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: The purpose of Trinity’s existence appears to be to prove that mediocre-looking, psychotic entities can be irresistibly sexy. Or something.
Special Possessions (if any): Trinity: The on/off switches for Legolas’s nostalgia for his one twu wuv. Also has someone else as well. A necklace chain thingy that has a dove with thorns, given to her by a "lover". Knives. Intermittent paranoia or a facsimile of same. An accent that’s “untraceable” whether in NYC or Middle-earth.
Annoying Origin: Trinity: The author’s mind.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Trinity: Obsessed over by Legolas, obsessed over by coarse!Boromir, and turns Strider’s head. Inexplicably claimed by Frodo as kin for the purpose of allowing her to enter Bree. Either has sexual relations with Haldir or stands by while he strangles in a freak accident (we’re not sure).
Annoying Special Abilities: Trinity: Standard “jump in before the canon character” and “running mental commentary” stuff. Just WILL NOT DIE. DAGNABBIT.

Other Annoying Traits: Early on: The “sex = rite of passage to adulthood” cliché. Wallowing in the unjustified emotions of a moment. Later: Using certain Fellowship characters as foils for her main OC and often ignoring the rest.

( You see, I’ve been through Bree on a horse of no particular sex… )

Chapter 2.

This was rather confusing for me on the first read-through, because, based on the previous chapter, I assumed that Dezaria Johnson was going to be the main character and, therefore, the focus of this chapter. It took me quite a while to get used to the fact that Trinity was here to stay.

Me Critic Editor Insanity Jester Paranoia several

Story Or Series Title: Tainted With Memories And Scars

Rated: M for Mature (for gore and sex)
Fandom: LotR (approx. 98% movieverse, 1.9% bookverse, and trace amounts of preservatives.)
Culprit Author's Name: Bellethiel_Merilwen

Full Name (plus titles if any): Trinity Erin Night.
Full Species(es): Trinity (Decambulatorian enigma): Human?
Hair Color (include adjectives): Trinity: “Her back hair was straight and long, perfectly parted”. And when the author says back hair, she probably means raven locks, judging from Chapter 4.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Trinity: “emerald” green.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: The purpose of Trinity’s existence appears to be to prove that mediocre-looking, psychotic entities can be irresistibly sexy. Or something. All the conflicting statements about her have mixed with the descriptions of the others in my head and confused me somewhat.
Special Possessions (if any): Trinity: The on/off switches for Legolas’s nostalgia for his one twu wuv. Also has someone else as well. A necklace chain thingy that has a dove with thorns, given to her by a "lover". Lotsa knives *twitch*. Intermittent paranoia or a facsimile of same. An accent that’s “untraceable” whether in NYC or Middle-earth.
Annoying Origin: Trinity: The author’s mind.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters:
Trinity: Obsessed over by Legolas, obsessed over by coarse!Boromir, and turns Strider’s head. Inexplicably claimed by Frodo as kin for the purpose of allowing her to enter Bree. Either has sexual relations with Haldir or stands by while he strangles in a freak accident (we’re not sure).
Annoying Special Abilities:
Trinity: Standard “jump in before the canon character” and “running mental commentary” stuff. Just WILL NOT DIE. DAGNABBIT.
Other Annoying Traits: Early on: The “sex = rite of passage to adulthood” cliché. Wallowing in the unjustified emotions of a moment. Later: Using certain Fellowship characters as foils for her main OC and often ignoring the rest. Struggling with the difference between a comma and a semi-colon; repeated neglect of the hyphen. Abusing the meaning out of “slowly”, “fine”, “evenly”, “slightly”, and other words and phrases. Most of that is tame stuff, isn’t it? I’ve killed men for less. Really? . . . No.
Non-Annoying Stuff: Good spelling; halfway-decent grammar and mechanics aside from the punctuation. Doesn’t ignore or belittle Gimli. She does use him as her go-to character for poking fun and other less-than-noble activities (which is rather akin to how the movies treated him, so she can’t be entirely blamed).

Overall this fanfic author seems to be a fairly capable writer. However, I find parts of this just too irritating (or absurd) to let go unchallenged.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: (Do NOT post more than half of a chapter, whole chapters, or whole stories, regardless of how short they are)

( We see Trinity pre-Bree. Whee! )

Chapter 1. The prologue is sporked here.

I remembered this chapter as being unremarkable and dull. Well, I suppose it’s dull, but it’s actually quite spectacular for the amount of self-contradiction and absurdities it contains. If you do read it yourself, I recommend reading the hilarious “A Predicament” afterwards to get the bad taste out of your system.

Me Critic Editor Insanity Jester several

Story Or Series Title: Tainted With Memories And Scars

Rated: M for Mature (for gore and sex)
Fandom: LotR (approx. 95% movieverse, 4.9% bookverse, and trace amounts of preservatives.)
Culprit Author's Name: Bellethiel_Merilwen

Full Name (plus titles if any): Trinity Erin Night. Other OC’s: Scarlette Rowe; Dezaria Johnson; Faith Evans; Destiny Motto
( lots of OCs = an extra cut )

Non-Annoying Stuff: Good spelling; halfway-decent grammar and mechanics aside from the punctuation. Doesn’t ignore or belittle Gimli. She does use him as her go-to character for poking fun and other less-than-noble activities (which is rather akin to how the movies treated him, so she can’t be entirely blamed).

( 'New York City?!' 'Get the rope.' )

This was brought up by calen_greenleaf recently a while ago a long while ago at some point during the Late Cretaceous Period. Anyway, since the first claimant seems to have moved on, I'm taking it on.

There are a lot of OCs (most of whom disappear for most of the story) and a lot of things going on in this looong story, so the intro sections will generally include only those relevant to the current chapter. Blame for the horrible pseudo-Latin lies with me.

Me Critic Editor Insanity Jester Violence several

Story Or Series Title: Tainted With Memories And Scars

Rated: M for Mature (for gore and sex)
Fandom: LotR (approx. 98% movieverse, 1.9% bookverse, and trace amounts of preservatives. Plus a bunch of artificial flavorings, most of which have floated to the top. This is why you stir before serving.)
Culprit Author's Name: Bellethiel_Merilwen

Full Name (plus titles if any): Evalgine
Full Species(es): Evalgine (Speshul cutouticus): Supposedly Human.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Evalgine: I'll guess black.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Evalgine: "brilliant green"
(The author tends to identify characters by eye color, which is to say that she personifies the eyes—in fact, if this were a movie, everyone’s eyes would probably have to be paid their own wages. This can work if you don’t overdo it. Unfortunately, she overdoes it. Fortunately, eyes are the only parts of characters’ physical appearances she really overemphasizes.)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Evalgine: Blood all over herself in the first chapter—her own blood, in fact.
Special Possessions (if any): Evalgine: A very unfortunate name and an arrow in her flesh.

Annoying Origin: Evalgine: Some Human Kingdom or another.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Evalgine: The X-rated variety. Oh, did I mention she’s all of fifteen years of age?
Annoying Special Abilities: The “melodramatic death” schtick.
Other Annoying Traits: Early on: The “sex = rite of passage to adulthood” cliché. Wallowing in the emotions of a moment. Later: Struggling with the difference between a comma and a semi-colon. Repeated neglect of the hyphen. Suffocating or abusing the meaning out of “slowly”, “fine”, “evenly”, “slightly”, and other words and phrases. Most of that is tame stuff, isn’t it? I’ve killed men for less. Really? . . . No.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: (Do NOT post more than half of a chapter, whole chapters, or whole stories, regardless of how short they are)

Story Or Series Title: Defy Not the Heart
Fandom: Harry Potter and the Sparkly Vampires from Pretty Land
Culprit Author's Name: Aewnaur
Synopsis:

Slash: EC/HP
Warnings: abuse violence
Summary: Harry comes to Forks as a patient for Dr. Cullen. He was only supposed to stay until he healed enough to go back to the war. Will he discover a reason to stay?

Full Name (plus titles if any): Harry Potter/Jonquil Kaolin/Jon and Edward Cullen
Hair Color (include adjectives): Harry has “His black hair was a wild dirty mane but he could see where the dark red would highlight it”

Eye Color (include adjectives): So far not described

Unusual Markings/Colorations: Harry is “Tiny and very feminine yet with a strong masculine jaw and physique.”
Special Possessions (if any): Apparently, each other’s balls in future

Annoying Origin: The warped brain of a Twihard HP fan
Annoying Special Abilities: existing

Other Traits:

Harry will be “truly extraordinary when he was healed”

Harry gave up part of his humanity to weaken Voldemort, so he isn’t all human anymore

Lilly apparently had creature blood in her lineage so Harry never was completely human to start off with.

Story Or Series Title: Defy Not the Heart
Fandom: Harry Potter and the Sparkly Vampires from Pretty Land
Culprit Author's Name: Aewnaur
Synopsis:

Slash: EC/HP

Warnings: abuse violence

Summary: Harry comes to Forks as a patient for Dr. Cullen. He was only supposed to stay until he healed enough to go back to the war. Will he discover a reason to stay?

Full Name (plus titles if any): Harry Potter and Edward Cullen
Hair Color (include adjectives): So far not described

Eye Color (include adjectives): So far not described

Unusual Markings/Colorations: So far not described
Special Possessions (if any): Apparently, each other’s balls in future

Annoying Origin: The warped brain of a Twihard HP fan
Annoying Special Abilities: existing

Other Traits:

Story or Series Title:The start of the ring
Fandom: Lord of the Missing Punctuation
CulpritAuthor's Name: secretrockerdude
Full Name: Salk; later, Sauron
Full Species: Salk: Human. Sauron: Apparently half-elven, uncanonically.
Hair Color(Include Adjectives): Sakl: not given; Sauron: blond
Eye Color(Include Adjectives): not given
Unusual Markings/Colorations: none
Special Possessions: Sauron: a human family, somehow.
Annoying Origin: Sauron: a human father and an elven or half-elven (?) mother
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Sauron: apparently shares a name with one
Annoying Special Abilities: Destroying all canon and punctuation
Other Annoying Traits: existing

The summary:Salk (note inconsistent spelling of OC's name) has been chased from his home and now he finds revenge in the strangest of mannors that starts a war of the wolr d Wolrd War Zero? that will claim many

Story Or Series Title: The Most Powerful
Fandom: Harry Potter
Culprit Author's Name: HsCherryB
Synopsis: Harry and friends meets three powerful sorcers. Together They fight the Dark Lord!Couples: HK, CM, RH.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Kate, Cherry, Mike
Full Species(es):
Hair Color (include adjectives): Kate: “a beautiful blonde hair” Cherry: “long black”

Story Or Series Title: A Daughter of Kings
Fandom: Lord of the Sues
Culprit Author's Name: Razberri

Full Name (plus titles if any): Cristiel (I assume Telcontar, but apparently that’s not important enough to mention)
Full Species(es): Half-elf, half-human, I guess.
Hair Color (include adjectives): No mention, so I guess she’s bald.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Likewise no mention. Let’s say flurescent pink.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Baldness and flurescent pink eyes.
Special Possessions (if any): A pod-person dad and a Sue friend, as well as a crush on the green-eyed monster that is Boromir.

Annoying Origin: Apparently, AU!Arwen’s womb.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Arwen and Aragorn’s daughter, born before the books. Because apparently Eldarion isn’t SPESHUL enough for this Suethor.
Annoying Special Abilities: Sword-fighting and apparently strong enough mind control to make people laugh at her jokes.
Other Annoying Traits: Exists. Apparently has the ability to switch between canons at will. Can make Boromir’s eyes change colour.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

First chapter
Second chapter
Third chapter

This is my first spork here. I’ve lurked for a long time and then decided to join recently. Hopefully I'm at least a little funny, but we'll see. I’ll go ahead and apologize in advance if the format is weird. I looked through the memories to see if this had been sporked, but couldn't find it. If it has, I'll stop here (or spork the sequel...).

Story Or Series Title: A Home
Fandom: Lord of the Feminazis
Culprit Author's Name: Joselyn-Greenleaf. That’s a good sign, isn’t it?

Full Name (plus titles if any): Taraneth (Tara), Princess of Gondor
Full Species(es): Mulier badasstica pseudofeminista [also known as Grrl! Sue]
Hair Color (include adjectives): A high braid, apparently like Lara Croft's. No color mentioned. Let's say puke orange.
Eye Color (include adjectives): I don’t know, probably grey.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None.
Special Possessions (if any): A necklace that “got the Gondor symbol on it” and has, “Princess of roses, love of spring, daughter of gondor, beloved,” engraved on it.

Annoying Origin: The unholy spawn of Arwen and Aragorn. And no, Eldarion is not mentioned.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Daughter of two of them, granddaughter of Elrond (he’s still hanging around), and has Legolas under her thumb. BFFs with Pippin in Merry (wtf are they doing in Mirkwood?!).
Annoying Special Abilities: Ability to turn Legolas in a gibbering fool, can cause Aragorn to scream, and Arwen becomes a twentieth-century mom around her. Too many to list, basically. Fortunately she has no real sparkly powers.
Other Annoying Traits: She refuses to wear dresses but gives no legitimate reason for refusing. Speaks in modern lingo, with the rare “Aye” and “tis” thrown in to make it even more confusing .Tara also is an twit, but everyone loves her. Except for Lilly, but she’s not until later.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Extra Ink now brings you the first in a series of book, music, movie and tech reviews, all sprinkled in with your usual dose of advice and website recommendations. Check out TeenInk.com for teen-written reviews of all your favorite things. Enjoy!

Sometimes I choose to read a book because it has been recommended to me by friends or received positive reviews, and sometimes I choose to read one simply because it has a shiny cover.  City of Bones, the first novel in Cassandra Clare's Moral Instruments trilogy, fell into both categories.

Fifteen-year-old Clary Fray is a mundane, which means she doesn't know anything about demons or Shadowhunters -- until she stumbles into the middle of a confrontation between them in a dance club. At first, she is reluctant to admit that she saw anything at all. Then her mother vanishes, she gets attacked by a demon, and a group of teenage Shadowhunters shows her that magic, werewolves, and vampires are real. Soon Clary is swept up in their quest to find the Mortal Cup (a powerful object that can be used to make more Shadowhunters) and rescue her mother -- the only person who knows where it is -- before errant Shadowhunter Valentine can use it for his own ends.

All in all, the world of City of Bones (Manhattan, but with subtle alterations that mundane humans cannot see) is innovative and engrossing, with clever details -- like bat sandwiches and flying motorcycles that work on demon energies -- and plenty of action sequences to keep readers engaged. While City of Bones avoids the worn teen-girl-meets-hot-supernatural-boy trope, there is a hint of romance between Clary and both her childhood friend, Simon, and the sarcastic, distant Shadowhunter, Jace, which adds a welcome dimension to the plot.

Like any novel, however, City of Bones has its flaws. In their eagerness to share the details of their world with Clary (and the reader), the Shadowhunters have a tendency to launch into long speeches that reveal far more than is necessary for the plot and slow down the pace of the story to the point where vital tension is lost. While the main teen characters all have believable voices, the adults begin to blend together, becoming either evil minions or clueless and overprotective guardians. There seem to be few moral shades of grey -- people are either good or evil, even if they turn out to have a different allegiance than we were originally led to believe (something that happens with dizzying frequency). Though other characters are hurt, Clary rarely seems to be in any real danger -- solutions to problems come to her with little or no effort on her part.

Despite these weaker areas, I found City of Bones to be a quick and mostly satisfying read. I have heard that Cassandra Clare truly finds her "voice" in the later books of the trilogy, and I am excited to see how she continues to flesh out the unique and quirky world she has created.




Since it's rather late, I'll let it speak for itself.

Story Or Series Title: Beriadanwen_The_Defender_of_Men
Fandom: Lord of the Funky Halfbreeds
Culprit Author's Name: Akeryou-sama

Full Name (plus titles if any): *deep breath now* Beriadanwen, or Defender of Men , Kibil, or Silver, Edhelwen Ithilethiel, aka Bear.
Full Species(es): Elf/Maia Hybrid
Hair Color (include adjectives): It was a honey golden brown, a shade an Elf would not have, and wavy
Eye Color (include adjectives): her eyes almond and a silvery grey like an elf’s and slightly dull like a mortal’s
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Bruise where Zoe's boot caught her in the ass
Special Possessions (if any): There's a mystery ring, a not so mystery ring, My Little Pony, a feminie letter, a basket, some 'magic herbal sticks' she sucks the juice out of.

Annoying Origin: Orli in the wig
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Steals all their lines from the movies.
Annoying Special Abilities: Can fascinate anything in pants. I wanna see her go up against Arwen and Eowyn
Other Annoying Traits: Sings in Elvish, requiring me to translate.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

 

Story Or Series Title: Blood and Chocolate (isn't that a werewolf movie?)

Fandom: Yeah, because chocolate DOES exist in Middle-earth.
Culprit Author's Name: Miss Timechick. Don't tell me she's into Doctor Who as well…frak.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Nikkaly, which isn't even remotely Middle-earth-ian.
Full Species(es): Diabola meretricus recentis, and a vampire (not the Thuringwethil kind) to boot.

Hair Color (include adjectives): blonde (see the author's "The Secret Life of Vampires" for clarification)

Eye Color (include adjectives): Icy blue

Unusual Markings/Colorations: Vampire fangs, chocolate stains

Special Possessions (if any): Legolas's reproductive organs, chocolate, strawberries, a laced-up dress…

Annoying Origin: Morgoth's lair.  
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Legolas's frakmachine babymaking unit lover.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to be uber annoying; the power of UnCanon; the ability to speak the OMG SPESHUL VAMP!LANGUAGE; etc, etc.
Other Annoying Traits: Not liking chocolate.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Another 10^th walker sue is rearing its ugly head. I know I have not sporked in a long time, so I might be a little rusty. As always my comments will be in red.

Hang on to your sporks people this is going to be a bumpy ride.

I have to go to my Spanish class. I will try to post the rest of the chapter tomorrow..

Frodo_harry

Some text may vary from actual ending. However, every attempt has been made to retain the author's unique style.

Story Or Series Title: Stuck in Middle earth. The title says it all.
Fandom: Fellowship of the what-now?
Culprit Author's Name: Shadow08

Dug up by calen_greenleaf. Share in my glory, Calenlass.

Full Name (plus titles if any): Samantha Richards
Full Species(es): Tenth Walker
Hair Color (include adjectives): Blonde. That is all.
Eye Color (include adjectives): No mention. Let’s say flurescent pink.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: A ‘trim body'.
Special Possessions (if any): A mithril necklace filled with Duck toilet cleaner, a dagger, a 'healing serum', and a sword called Keiko. And a really feeble sense of humour.

Annoying Origin: Sueville, USA.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Fangirls over Legolas. Tenth Walker. Boromir's adopted sister. Apparently gets to call Galadriel 'Gala' and Haldir 'Hal'. My eyes!
Annoying Special Abilities: Swordfighting, transdimensional travel, the ability to make Boromir everyone a misogynist.
Other Annoying Traits: A pathological fear of grammar and logic. Also, massive hypocrisy.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Previous chapters are here