Dear girlfriend,

I can't even focus enough to properly write this, I'm so pissed. I can understand you still having feelings for your man. That's okay. But blatantly stating over and over how much you love him, how much you need him, how nobody will ever love him the way you do? And even TO MY FACE? Jesus, what the fuck am I?! I can't even form words. Just... what the hell? I've offered an open heart and a listening ear multiple times. I've even offered to drive to your house in the middle of the night when you were having tough times. Why do I do this? It's cause I care about you! Obviously much more so than the dick who randomly dumped you for no real reason. And you won't even acknowledge any of my actions, probably wouldn't even acknowledge my existence if you were pressed to! You're too busy pining over that bastard!! Well, fuck it. Fuck it all up and down to hell.

Hope you have a good time pining over him alone,
Me

----------------------------------------

Dear me,

Woosah, will you? When you get stressed you get itchy, and you will not be itchy when you go to see Harry Potter!!

Love,
You

Dear Baskin Robbins 'Ice Cream and Cake' Commercial,

Kindly take your stupid ass off of the television.

Everytime I hear your annoying chanting, I want to shoot out the screen and then jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

You are that annoying.

With No Love,
Me.

PS - Dairy Queen ice cream cakes are a hella lot better than your's.

PPS - While you're at it, take the entire Faux News channel off the air with you. I'm sick of hearing about their ignorant, racist, prejudice bullshit being praised by ignorant, racist, and prejudiced people. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves - you give America a bad name you stupid arses. Oh, and  why the hell don't you call President Obama 'President Obama' - every other news organization from newspaper to televized is formal and respectful to him and his difficult position, why the hell can't you be? You called that worthless waste of humanity Bush  'President'  and he was completely undeserving of that!

PPPS - Internet Explorer, kindly be destroyed - especially on Vista. 

Dear associate director,

After the show, we'll laugh about this...but for now:

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR ACTING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY and looking down on ME. FUCK YOU FOR THINKING HOW EASY IT IS TO FIX PROBLEMS THAT OTHER PEOPLE CREATE.

Who in the world ever said TODAY was the deadline for lights design?? Some random wind passing by? Does it give you enough reason to bitch at me that I should do my job of reminding everyone?

First things first,I check the ygroups, read my texts from the project team and EVEN ASKED the technical head about it...NOTHING NADA. There's nothing about any frickin deadline there!

I don't plan to send information coming the wind to people who get easily worked up now that our show is nearing.

Second of all, it's not easy to reserve rooms...OR CANCEL IT ONCE IT GET APPROVED.You think a little cancel button will appear at the bottom of the web page on our online room reservation at 10 or 12AM of SAID DATE? Guess again! You actually have to run your little ass to the management, explain the situation then they will post a little note, saying it got cancelled, which won't appear online by the way...

I am so glad I have dear_stupid to vent out all my frustrations on so I can think rationally in the real world.

Much love (later...), understanding of your pain and a little pissed but at the same time...thinking straight!
NightygaL, your beloved Stage Manager.


Dear Show,

We're turning into little hound dogs biting, scratching and clawing at each other for your sake!

YOU FUCKING BETTER BE GOOD!!

Diminishing love,
One of the Stage Managers.

Dear person of the wind,

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TELL MY AD THAT TODAY IS THE DUE DATE FOR LIGHTS DESIGN? YOU ARE A BIG FAT LIAR.

Wanting to prick you with a voodoo doll once I get your identity and DNA,
NightygaL, the bullshitted one.

Dear California Governor:
You rotten son of a bitch, you cut the budget of summer school, now i have nothing to do for the whole god damn August, i am suppose to go to the second session of summer school on Monday, now thanks to the fucking budget cut, it fucking cancel.
You son of an asshole.
No love:
Fuck you:
Me

Dear Harry Potter...
What the fuck was that?

First of all, BAAWWWWWWW. That's all I saw. That had to be, THEE worst movie so far. There were WAY too many things left out. All the fucking movie focused on was who was crushing on who, and brooding Malfoy. Seriously. I am very, VERY disappointed.

Secondly, could you maybe like, keep things the way they are? Example, the pensive, the potions class, the ACTORS. Just because you're the director doesn't give you the licence to just change everything to your liking. ... Ok maybe it does, but STILL.

So pissed off that I'm not even gonna buy the damn movie,
Pouff

Dear boy,
STOP biting your nails! It's annoying as fuck, especially when it's in my damn ear.

Thank you for the movie though, even though it was full of suck.
Pouff

Dear Sugar Chalet
Call me back, please?
I need this.
Desperately hoping,
Pouff

Dear stuuppiiddd,

hey listen, you said i had to get the project done by next tuesday...you don't need to be contacting me every single day until then to see how i'm doing. i'll get it done by the day that you said then tell you myself.

also, it's highly annoying every time i log onto my computer, you won't even give me two minutes to myself before you IM me right away.
do you know how annoying it is to IM someone as soon as they sign onto the computer every single time?

please wait at least 5 to 10 minutes.
otherwise it's so annoying.

annoyed
me

dear yoouuu,

please don't disappoint me this time. i hope you write back a message saying you can hang out this weekend, with or without our friend.

I really want to see you :(
how can one person be so close, yet so far away? le sigh.

missing you so much,
me

Dear boyfriend:

Freaking call me, okay? I have an awesome story to tell you. Plus, y'know, I miss you.

Wishing you weren't on a reception-less mountain in Ohio,
your girlfriend.


Dear friends:

Quit starting theatre companies. Argh. No one's going to care about my weird experimental Hamlet if you keep pulling this.

I love you anyway,
your irrationally-feeling-overshadowed friend.


Dear dryer:

Is it really necessary for you to have that many settings, none of which will run for longer than thirty minutes except the one that doesn't say how long it takes? I don't want to have to sit in the basement and watch my laundry, kthx.

At least you hold a lot of clothes,
that girl with too much laundry.


Dear people in charge of jury duty:

Have office hours that are not while I'm busy getting forty-three children to do Shakespeare, please, so I can call you and explain that I can't do jury duty because I'm two and a half hours away. You had to send the summons the one week this summer I'm horrendously busy, didn't you?

Frustration,
the girl who doesn't want legal trouble, thanks.

Dear school,

So if you could ever so please send me my 2009-2010 schedule, that'd be pretty awesome. Cause I just KNOW that you fucked up somehow. For the past 3 years my schedule has been all kinds of fucked up, and I doubt senior year will be any different. So please send me my schedule quickly (cause, you know, you said we'd have them two weeks ago) so I can go up there and fix things.

Not much love,
The music student you put in construction REPEATEDLY

Dear Marilyn,

You're a fucking moron. My brother forgot to put the name of the report in the subject line, but he still attached the file like we always do. But because there is no subject you're suddenly so fucking retarded that you can't find the attachment? How the hell do you keep your job?

No love,
Tired of dealing with Dad's job and your shit

Dear stupid Fedex,

Okay, not really stupid but...

I'm not going to be able to sign for it tomorrow...

SO JUST LEAVE MY PACKAGE ANYWAY.

Anxious,
Girl.

Dear stupid work,

I hate you for scheduling me 8 days in a row. Fuck you.

Girl who wants a break.

Dear Postie,

If the whole recorded delivery, 'Do Not Bend' and my college's stamp on the envelope WASN'T enough to tell you it was a very fucking important letter.........it even had the college's examinations office as the return address!! And yet you let a letter obviously carrying a certificate get absolutely fucking soaked?! Hell, you let A letter get absolutely fucking soaked?!

MY LIFE DRAWING CERTIFICATE IS SOGGY NOW YOU PRICK ¬_¬

Not impressed at all,
Poor art student

Dear contractor's staff

How the hell am I supposed to cater a meeting for the client without milk for their drinks?!

Dear N

Since when has 9.30 been an acceptable time to arrive to cater said meeting starting at 9am? Client's staff were here from 8.45. Thank God one of us is organised!

No love to any of you.

Your overworked fixer of all shit.

Dear stupid director,
THANKS A LOT YOU STUPID BITCH. THANKS TO YOUR LAZINESS AND OTHER QUESTIONABLE ACTIONS, YOU GOT US 10 MORE TICKETS TO SELL FOR THE SHOW.

Thanks for making me take care of your stupid shitty write-up and throwing all the problems at me.

THANKS FOR NOTHING!!! YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL YOUR SUBJECTS BECAUSE OF INCOMPETENCE!

Hate,
Me, who has to deal with your constant bullshit.


Dear associate director,
Please respect our Marketing Head. We got punished, accept it. DON'T THINK EVERYTHING WILL GO YOUR WAY JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE GREAT (insertnamehere) Don't try squeezing out of our situation like a worm! Besides, it's not my fault that stupid bitch didn't make the deadline, I've been wasting how much money just texting you assholes about reminders and she doesn't even have the brain to text back.

Glad she didn't vote you for scholarships,
NightygaL

Dear lab partner#1,
Either it's really me or the sleep-deprived, suffering stage manager in me that is talking but FUCK YOU!
Fuck you and your stupid posts in what should have been a serious conversation YM about our Lab paper! Fuck you and your bullshitting attitude! Fuck you and your LACK OF A BRAIN! FUCK YOU FOR THINKING THAT OUR LAB PARTNERS ARE COMPETENT AND HAVE FULLY-FUNCTIONING BRAINS. Well, wake up and smell the coffee, you stupid rat! They're not! They keep asking me questions that even a 5 year old can answer! They don't read the instructions and they're TOO LAZY TO RESEARCH!

You're an obnoxious (fails-to)know-it-all!

Pissed,
Your lab partner, who has to deal with everyone's bullshit

Dear lab partner 3 and 4,
You have brains. USE IT FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SMART! Don't act all stupid and ask me how to write a Review of Related Literature! You stupid nutheads already took Research and Writing classes!! Stop asking me that it's hard to merge an Introduction and REVLIT because Me, LP1 and LP2 already did everthing so you just have to copy-paste!!

And stop being so stupid that you complain that you don't know how to use APA formatting when you have a perfectly good computer with a strong internet connection. SEARCH IT IN THE DAMN INTERNET THEN! Don't WASTE OUR TIME, WHINING AND COMPLAINING!

Useless whores!

Angry,
The pissed off Lab partner

Dear asshole,
Fuck you, nuff said. You're not worth the long sentences.

Hate,
Me

Dear Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Producers,

( Spoiler alert! Did you know that Voldemort killed Harry's parents? :O )

Some love, but not all,

A dedicated fan, who had fun anyway but was fairly disappointed
--
Dear People At the Movie Theater,

You've been letting us wait in line in the theater for ages, the least you could have done was tell us all beforehand that we weren't allowed in until eight. We got there at 5:45, and there had been people there since 2. You were totally rude when you told us that we had to wait outside until eight, too. (Though I guess thanks for not kicking us out of the circle right outside?)

No real love,

A dedicated fan who still had fun sitting on the concrete for a few hours
--
Dear Annoying People Next to Us,

( More spoiler alerts! (Did you know that Harry's scar keeps disappearing in the movies? I noe rite?) )

Definitely no love,

A fan who enjoyed her midnight premiere quite thoroughly
--
Dear Tom Felton,

I don't have a complaint for you. I just think you looked fabulous in that suit.

Much love,

A girl who likes you in a suit

Dear 'Lady GaGa',

GODDAMN YOU GAGA WOMAN AND YOUR DAMNINGLY CATCHY SONG.

¬_¬

Can't avoid the earworm any longer,
Poor art student

Dear Partner,

I have HAD IT. The deadline is TOMORROW, and our project is still not finished. This week, which was planned for finishing the project A YEAR IN ADVANCE, has been all but sacrificed so that you could go spend time with your family when they decided to visit with hardly a week’s notice. Fine, go see them. That just means that we’ve had to stay up till 3:00 AM every night to try and make up for lost time working.

Now they’ve finally left, and you came home and said you were going to start work before I got back from the office, so we can catch up. But wait! Just fucking wait a god damned tootfucking minute! Your sister LOST her cell phone at the airport, so you have to call lost and found and now you have to RIDE THE BUS ALL THE WAY TO THE FUCKING AIRPORT AND BACK TO GO GET IT.

NO. NO. WHAT PART OF ‘THE DEADLINE IS TOMORROW’ IS NOT WORKING ITS WAY THROUGH YOUR BRAIN. Bad enough that you got angry at me for “pressuring” you to work on the project with me at night and acting as if I was imposing on you and your family, even though THEY imposed on US, and assured me that we could finish everything tonight no matter how many times I warned you that shit always happens and I just know that we’re not going to have the time you think we’ll have, no that wasn’t bad enough. Just as things are finally back to normal it’s time to run a FUCKING TWO HOUR ERRAND and assure that we will be staying up all god damned night finishing things tonight, if we finish them. And then I get a “I shouldn’t have told you” when I dare to get upset over this. This is TOO MUCH. I planned and planned to try and avoid scrambling to death at the last minute like we always do. I’m sick of it. Seeing your family was important, but you had other obligations before they even considered visiting! Why do OUR priorities have to be sacrificed??

Like the airport lost and found is just gonna throw it out if you don’t go get it right now anyway. Fuck this. This was too much. I was so patient all week but this was just too much. I am so angry at you now.

Pissed,

Me

Dear boredom,

Please go away.

no love,
me

Dear stupids,

Although I'm pretty happy that one of you got back to me, especially the one I wanted to get back with me, I'm severely disappointed I won't be seeing you guys this week probably.

My summer is so butt fricken boring if I don't hang out with you two.

extremely bored without you
me

Dear Asshole,

You're a great liar, and now my friend and I haven't talked for two years.
That is okay,
but now you got him hooked onto hard drugs?
Fuck you.

Dear H
MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. Like.. holy shit. If you want me to hang out with you, don't tell me the negative things my boyfriend is saying. I'm aware that he says those things, stop trying to separate us. Make it seem like he doesn't want me around, isn't making me like you. He is entirely truthful to me, so stop making it seem other wise. You really need to just go away.

We don't really like you much anyway.
Pouff

Dear Painter man.
Your ladder is infront of the stairs, it prevents me from getting upstairs. I just want a brownie.
Kindly be hasty.

Still appreciating your work.
Pouff

I'm going to kill you with kindness!  Get ready.

Dear Customers (again),

For fuck's sake STOP WALKING AWAY WHEN I'M HELPING YOU.  When I'm in the middle of processing your transaction is NOT the opportune moment to go look at something down the hall, use the restroom, or disappear completely.  Either do that before you come up to the front desk, or after we're done.

Annoyed,
The girl at the front desk

---

Dear Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince,

You look like you're going to be awesome.  I'm staying up to see the midnight premier and will be completely useless on Wednesday due to lack of sleep.  You'd better be as awesome as the trailers imply, or I will be very upset.

Also: There better be a lot of Luna Lovegood, for she epitomizes awesome.

Love,
The fan expecting awesome

Dear Muse:

I know what you look like. You look that way because I have to be in love with you to get you help me write. I know you're a figment of my imagination but, srsly, do you mind?  I've made you look pretty damned smokin' in my imagination and I gave you everything - looks, talent, intelligence, humour. In my head, you're the perfect guy muse.

So, excuse me, but WTF?

I suddenly have so much time on my hands that I'm actually bored. And why am I bored?

Because you up and left!

Now, don't get me wrong, I love you to bits and I love spending time with you but, for the love of God, with the multitude of ideas I had over the past few months, I'd've thought you could stick around a little longer. Do you even know how much of a roll I was on? I was on fire! I was writing three thousand words a day! And now look, hmmm? Now I'm stuck here jotting down ideas because YOU abandoned me.

I've given you 100% attention, I've given you everything you could ask for and I've spent so much time with you that my work is seriously neglected now.

So yeah, thanks. I didn't give you permission to wander off, not least because I currently have 3 things to finish and I just got a prompt table!!

Love, but with severe annoyance,
Me

xx

Dear Wildcat,

WTF?! Where is my damn order?!


Ringing you bitches later,
Poor art student


Dear fashion world,

WE WANT BELTS FOR NICKEL ALLERGY SUFFERS.

Your nickel festering buckles are mutilating stomachs everywhere!

Wondering if you'll ever listen to consumer demand,
Poor art student (nursing an itchy belly)

Dear sis,

Wtf made you think that my closet door could hold up against your massive body? You made one of the doors pop off the track and now I can't get it back on. Thanks, fat ass.

Edit:

Okay, the whole mini birthday party thing yesterday was fine since you cleaned up afterward. But now you're in your room smoking or something with your friend and bf? Oh wow, you just told me that you were smoking hookah and blah blah all this bullshit about how you use the smoke to do tricks. Tobacco is fucking tobacco, don't fucking do it in the house. I hope dad tears you a new one when he gets back.

- A

Dear boy,

Don't do a 'wham bam thankyou ma'am' on me yeh? I'd rather like to see you again this summer.

Wondering where you've gone this afternoon,
Rather happy art student

Dear stupids--

Why is it so hard for either of you to tell me if you can or cannot hang out with me next week?
I wouldn't mind even if you said you don't know yet, instead I get nothing.
Instead, I always have to contact you to hang out on that day if I don't hear anything from you by then because I am that bored with myself...soon...I will be talking to myself if I don't hang out with somebody.

I asked about hanging out on Wednesday, so I guess, I'll give you guys two more days to respond to me.

I will be severely disappointed if I don't see either of you next week.

I always have fun with you two and you craziness.
I know you guys are practically "homo" for each other...but c'mon.

irritated beyond belief by the lack of communication between us
me

PS. I hate that all my besties that I usually hang out with on a daily basis have all moved...now it's torture getting you two to hang out with me, ugh.

I suppose I consider us friends, we just have this weird friendship. Stop making it weird, please.

Dear you--

Why are you always on my mind? I can't concentrate on doing anything because you are constantly on my mind.
In my dreams. In my day dreams. Please get out of my mind so I can think about other things so I won't be disappointed by you.

I "hate" you
me

Dear girlfriend,

While we are both still in the throes of the beginning-of-the-relationship "SQUEE!!" sickness, I have a happy little question for you. Is it really so difficult to continue conversation, or to reply with something that actually furthers the conversation? Seriously, in the past two and a half weeks I've exhausted every method I have of trying to get a goddamn word out of you. You've got me to the point where I'm babbling about my retarded cat just to fill the awkward silence! Please, this is all I beg of you... fucking say something worthwhile!

Still liking you even though you're annoyingly quiet,
Your talkative other

----------------------------------------

Dear pains,

What the fuck. You're spread out to random parts of my body, pop up at random times, and will not be silenced by any method of pain relief. Where are you from and why do you afflict me? I want to know!

No love,
An ailing teenager

-----------------------------------------

Dear spider,

I don't know if you're real or if my effed up mind is just hallucinating you, but fucking hell I don't want to find out. You've been hanging out on my wall/ceiling for two days and I'm freakin terrified of you. I'm trying to be nice since I don't want to hurt you, so let's reach a compromise. Ever so kindly get the fuck out of my room so I can sleep decently at night? That'd be ever so lovely.

Tentative love,
A teenager terrified of spiders

------------------------------------------

Dear me,

GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP. No heaven forsaken arachnid is going to whip your insomnia back into full force, hell no. Fuck that up the butt, you WILL get some rest. Get off the nets and go do it now!

Frustration,
You

Dear book:

The hell? Where are you? I read a couple pages, then put you down to eat some ramen. That was last night. This morning, you were nowhere to be found. I was so excited to find you for cheap at the book fair, and you're the first in a series, so won't you please come back?

Missing you desperately,
your owner.

Dear titties.

I hate you because two weeks ago you were a 34b. Now you're a 36b? Oh and 36b happens to be one of the most popular booby sizes, right? Of course, because that's just my amazing luck showing right there.

Every time I look for your pink tag, all I see are greens, blues and yellows. Why not the pink tag with 36b?

You're both great, but please, just stop where you are.

k

Dear Emo Kids on Twitter,

If I see one more tweet that's along the lines of "I just feel so empty and depressed right now," from one of you attention whores, I'm going to break something.

No Love,
The girl who enjoys random, funny tweets

---

Dear 12:01 AM on Wednesday,

Come faster!  I wanna see the new Harry Potter Movie!

Love,
Harry Potter fan since age nine

---

Dear Nerdy T-shirts,

Ship faster, please.

Love,
The nerd who wants to express her fandoms in t-shirt form

Dear Levitress whatever your last name is,

You have to be the most annoying, self centered bridezilla I have ever seen, and I watch this show all of the time. You're the type of person who gets that look on their faces that I just wanna punch. You are not worth thirty thousand dollars, and I can't believe you treat your sister and mother, AND fiance that way. And, AND you look like shit in your wedding dress. And you ruined your own day, nobody else did. Urgh, and stop eating in the car.

Absolutely no love,

Angry k.

Dear stupid idiot, omg--

When will you diaf?! You are not hot shit, why do you constantly act like you have something to show off?
I literally cannot get over that you think Asians are dumb...when you are one of the dumbest, nastiest looking fat ass white girls I have ever met. note: i have nothing against bigger people or any type of people for that matter, just people who are so full of themselves when they have absolutely no reason to be.

Whenever I read your shit to see if you've written anything about me, I get grossed out when you write you want to buy a bathing suit so be promiscuous...and yet, you go around telling people I'm a slut?

Do you actually see what you type about yourself or are you fucking blind?

Why do people like you exist? My God.

get over your nasty ass self
me

PS. there is such a thing as confidence, but there's also such a thing as being a bitch for no reason and you are the 2nd. after all, why did they cut you from the marching band? because people thought you were a fucking bitch. i lmfao'd when my friend told me that about you. to make matters even funnier, your mom is one of the directors of the ND marching band.

she must be so proud of you!

P.P.S. I still think it's hilarious when you try to tell people i'm the biggest sluttiest bitch though. Who the hell are you trying to fool?

---
Dear stupid,

i hope to see you next week.

that is all
me
 

Dear Lex


You locked yourself out of the house.

You fail.

Lex xx

dear stupid BOY:

where did you come from? seriously! i never knew you before the summer and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, here you come with your texts and your inviting me everywhere and your crazy driving and your techno.

and because you are fun and funny and like japanese stuff [but are woefully underexposed!] [and maybe because you have cute friends] i was like "sure, i'll hang out with you" and then [sort of] out of nowhere came this kissing stuff, and so the overall effect is like getting run over by a steamroller with teleportation abilities- one minute i'm fine and the next minute: pancake!

so way to mess up my summer plans. juggling five or six boys just got a lot harder with YOU in the mix.

altogether too much fondness for my comfort,
me

Dear person who asks why Obama hasn't fixed anything yet,

BECAUSE THESE AREN'T OVERNIGHT PROBLEMS, STUPID!

stfu,
A girl who hates politics

Boy -

If you would have just taken the silly bus, you would have been here for almost two hours already. I MISS YOU, stupid! You had better make up for this by being awesome this weekend. (I'm sure you will.)

Lots of impatience,
Your girlfriend

Dear Bees, Wasps, and other flying bugs with stingers,

You make it difficult to do yard work.

Begging you all to become extinct,
Girl.

Dear boss:

Okay. So you want me to organize the back room. Which is all well and good, except: one, I don't even know where to start, there's so much random crap in there, and two, I'm the only person that works in your store. Which means that if I'm back there, no one is in front selling things to people. And no, I can't hear the door chime from the back room. If you want that room organized and business not to fail, do it yourself or hire another person.

Not for minimum wage,
your frustrated employee.


Dear self:

Get off your ass already! The con is in two weeks, and you still need to make hotel reservations, find transportation, write or learn four or so new songs, and practice your set. This is a biggish break-- don't fuck it up!

Love,
yourself.


Dear itchy red bug bites (probably):

What are you? And why won't you go away?

No love at all,
your victim.

Dear Lady Gaga

You look like a creepy whore. I hate your music, with its bad lyrics that promote stupid views about women and their sexuality. I hate that you call your vagina a muffin. REally? Is this the best you can do? Also, your videos are gross! Is that real camel toe or is it painted on?

You know what I hate more than all of this? I hate that your crappy plastic sound is catchy. Stupid poker face, all up in my head. Gak.

Seriously
Me

You know I love having you here in the Nation's Capital, spending your money on hot dogs and t-shirts and flags and anything and everything with Barack Obama's name and likeness on it. I'm grateful that you're helping to keep this godforsaken city afloat.

I do, however, have a couple of teensy little favors I'd like to ask those of you who take the Metro while you're visiting, if I may:

* Please do not ride the escalator to the platform, and then stand in front of the moving escalator while waiting for Uncle Herman to catch up. I really don't like plowing into you from behind.

*In case you haven't noticed, the metro seats are not all that big, and I am fat. If you are fat too, please don't sit next to me. You will not fit. Trust me. Stop trying. I don't like the sensation of your sweaty thigh squishing all over mine. I mean, I am getting the heebie jeebies just writing this.

*Please do not let your children pull my hair, or pluck at my clothing, or play with my bag. If you could get them to stop screaming, that would be nice too, but I understand that's a pretty tall order after a day spent schlepping through the museums.

*Please don't pull up to the parking garage turnstile and then sit there while you look for your credit card. Find your card first, and then drive to the turnstile. On a related note, please don't stand in front of the turnstile in the station while you dig through your purse or manbag or diaper bag or pants pockets looking for the farecard you purchased 45 seconds ago.

*Please stop holding the subway doors open for all your friends and relatives. When you hold the doors open, the metro operator gets pissed and then takes the train out of service.  If this happens on a Friday afternoon, you are going to get hurt. Trust me.

*Eating and drinking on the train is not allowed. STOP DOING IT. Stop bringing your fast food and Gatorade and Snickers and chips on the train. Stop leaving your goddamn hamburger wrappers and empty coke bottles and other garbage. Have you ever actually put anything in a trash can???? Try it sometime.

*Finally, for the love of frick, stop taking photos on the subway. Have you never been on a train before????? It is just not at all interesting to anyone to see someone else sitting on a freaking little plastic seat on a train.

Okay, I think that's about it. Thanks so much for reading, and have a wonderful time!

How the hell do you know I wouldn't enjoy warped tour, huh?
You never fucking want me to go anywhere with you. You've never seen me in that situation before, what the hell makes you think I'd be miserable.
Just.. fuck you.

I love you, but you better smarten the fuck up.

Dear Customers,

Why do you feel the need to walk away from the front desk to do other crap right when I'm in the middle of helping you with something?

It is infinitely easier to help you when you are not on the other side of the fucking building.

No Love,
The Front Desk Girl

---

Dear Creepy Old Men,

Please stop being creepy.

No Love,
The Front Desk Girl

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Dear Funny Old Men,

Thank you for being significantly less creepy than the creepy old men.  You guys make me think of my grandfather and are my favorite customers.

Keep being awesome,
The Front Desk Girl

What were you thinking?

The scooter was sitting right outside of a full theatre, it obviously belonged to someone. You took it anyway, and you were on camera when you did it. You grabbed it, took it to your janitor's closet and then had your son, who wasn't supposed to be at work with you anyway carry it out of the building.

I'm not going to say that no one should ever steal, sometimes it's not that big of a deal. Corporations do not crumble when employees take post its, but you stole someones personal property, IN FRONT OF YOUR KID. You left the building with cameras watching you. YOU MADE YOUR KID CARRY STOLEN GOODS. And then you exited the building through a secret way underneath the stairs, making it fairly obvious that you've done this before.

You seemed like a nice woman, definitely smarter than to steal from the place you work on camera, but I guess not. Not only did you teach your kid that it was okay to steal, you taught him that it was okay to steal from where he works, a place that trusts him not to do that. It's disgusting.

You're so lucky that the owner didn't want to get the police involved, because both you and your son could have been charged with a class 1 misdemeanor.

Wondering what you're going to say to your son when he gets his scooter taken away,

Girl who reviewed the security camera tapes

Dear Bic pens,

You come in pretty pink, green, blue and dark blue colors on the outside. Yet you all come with black ink? :( I was hoping I could write in pretty colors.

You suck,
Girl

Dear world,

Fuck you, I'm going into hibernation until September when I can get out of this shit hole and away from all this shit. 


Sick and tired of this bullshit.
Poor art student


Dear two-faced bitch,

I never trusted you from the beginning, and now I see that I was right. You're all friendly friendy through MSN and every social website out there but I've seen the bitching you've written. Thought I was stupid did you?

Tempted to remove all traces of your pathetic existence.
Angry, poor art student
P.S.: My hair is better than yours.



Dear Kingsmill,

I'm afraid you're lying, bitches. This 50/50 shit, it's not half white, half brown bread..

IT'S JUST ORDINARY BROWN BREAD.

Still glad she has bread,
Poor art student

Dear self,

How could you be so fucking stupid? If we're lucky enough to get a new car, make sure you PAY ATTENTION when you're driving! We're seriously lucky neither the guy in the other car or ourself was seriously hurt.

Love, but very, very upset with ourself,
You

Dear Sister,

Go away.  Seriously, just go away.  My life would be infinitely easier if I didn't have to put up with your bullshit all the time.  You are a drama queen and never grew out of your whiney, tantrum-throwing, my way or the highway, toddler stage.  You still tattle, for fuck's sake.  Over stupid shit.  Was it necessary to go tell mom that I installed Firefox on my computer like it was some awful thing?  IT IS AN INTERNET BROWSER, GET OVER IT.

You ask me to do something and I say no, and then you decide that maybe if you ask thirty more times in the next two minutes I'll somehow change my mind.  Then you get upset when I snap at you and tell you to quit fucking asking already as if you weren't expecting me to get annoyed.

Just either go away or shut up and leave me alone, I can't stand to be around you.  Frankly, it's bad for my mental health.

Hate,
Your sister

Dear younger sis,

Omg you are so fucking annoying. I don't see why you feel the need to act all bitchy and pretend to be cool just because your boyfriend is over. Also, thanks for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher away (that had a -note- on it!) even though you were home all day while dad and I were cleaning Tamako's house. Lazy SOB, you don't do -anything-. I don't even remember the last thing that you did around here to help out. And why? Just because you work part time at a grocery store? Fuck off, you're off for the summer, I think you could do -something- every once in a while.

- A


Dear aunt J,

Why are you such a bitch? My sister is just like you. Grandma just thought you would want one of Tamako's old Louis Vuitton purses. Fine, you don't like it, but you don't have to be a cunt about it and say "NOOOOOO!!! I don't want that!!! Because I don't like it!!" like a whiny sixteen year old. Good grief, you could have just said "No thanks, I don't want it."

- A


Dear Dad,

Stop fucking hankering me about a job! Did I not just tell you the other day that I called around to all the major stores and they all said that they weren't hiring?! Fuck, what do you want me to do? Shut the fuck up, you grumpy puss.

- A