Dear Dean

The triumphant return!

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 17:29:11 GMT

~~Jaida's~~ Dean's words of wisdom: If it ain't possessed, don't exorcise it.

Dear Dean,

Where's my car?

Baffled in Oregon

Dear Baffled,

Seeing as how you're in Oregon, it's probably that large, mossy lump in your driveway -- you know, that thing with a tree growing out of it. Chisel away a few layers of lichen and you'll probably see some solid Detroit steel under there. If you're lucky, it won't be totally rusted through.

If that's not the case, it could be that some dude got a little confused after a few beers and some Mary J, and went home in the wrong car. Uh, not that that's ever happened to me or anything. But I know a guy who did that. He ended up taking a Ford. That's the sort of thing that'll scar a dude for life.

LOVE Dean

Dear Dean,

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Sincerely,

Close to you

Dear Close,

It's 'cause birds are attracted to Sam's hair. They see it and think that Jesus himself has returned from the afterlife and created an amazing, heavenly nest for them. There was this one time in El Paso -- well, I won't go into details, but we ended up cutting three inches out of Sam's hair cause the bird shit had congealed and it wouldn't wash out.

Sam would like to add that I'm a big fucking liar and his hair is neatly trimmed and very clean, thank you very much. Unfortunately for Sammy, I know for a fact that it's been five days since he last showered, and there's been a metric ton of poltergeist goo since then. Dude fuckin' reeks. I'm afraid to let him out into nature because it'll be like The Birds except in real life.

LOVE Dean

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:45:29 GMT

Hey girls, it's Dean Winchester. It's been a while, but being on the run from the law and being so damn sexy make it pretty hard to keep up with giving excellent advice. Anyway, after a conversation I had with Sam the other day, it's come to my attention that the internet has lots of hot chicks who are aware of my manly exploits.

In honor of Valentine's Day--fuzzy teddy bears, girls wrestling in liquid chocolate, all the good romantic stuff--I, Dean Winchester, am asking all of you to give me some visual evidence. There's enough of this Valentine to go around, ladies, so just play nice and give me a little eye candy. I'd especially like photos of some titties, since Sam won't ever let me fuck his. Just kidding, just kidding. I'll save that talk for later, I promise.

Real candy and sexy underwear can be sent to [address edited out by Sam Winchester].

This is for those of you who were (and weren't!) at WinCon!

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 14:28:21 GMT

So, as you may or may not know, Dean answered some questions this past weekend at the Dear Dean panel at winchestercon. Here are those questions (and their answers), and a huge thanks to those of you who came to the panel, participated, and did not throw things at sevenfists' head when she started talking about ass-babies and excrement. :D If you sent these questions in, own up! They were awesome, and provided many wacky hijinks.

Dear Dean,
My roommate keeps sexiling me, and I hate it! What should I do?

Yours desperately,

Lonely in the Hallway

Dear Lonely,

After busting an ass laughing for a while over the word “sexile,” Sam informed me that the word “sexile” is, in fact, a word used among college students everywhere. If I’d’a known that, I might actually have gone to college, though I have to say that in my experience, if there’s someone else in the room when the action’s happening, they don’t want me to leave.
But not everyone can have my awesome sexual mojo, so I suggest you can try talking to your roommate in a mature and rational fashion…while cleaning your handgun. If that doesn’t work, you can always try sexiling her. The trick is to bring somebody home before she does, so that way the room’s already been taken. A few nights sleeping on the floor should fix her wagon.
Sam says that he used to play dumb when his roommate tried to “sexile” him and acted like he didn’t know what was going on. The girls would get all huffy and storm off, and Sam got to sleep in his own bed. As you can see, Sam did the wrong thing in this situation, and didn’t take advantage of the opportunity. This is because Sam is not as smart as me.
Also, my penis is bigger.

LOVE

Dean

Dear Dean,

Do blondes really have more fun? How about brunettes? And redheads?

Sincerely,

Doreen

Dear Doreen,

Having sampled all three, I can tell you that every woman is unique and sexy in her own way.
That’s a great line, isn’t it? Gotten me laid more times than I can count. But let’s not forget the black-haired chicks. And chicks who give mother nature a helping hand. Pink hair, blue hair, green hair—it doesn’t really matter. Why discriminate? You only hurt yourself.
Wildest chick I’ve ever been with was a redhead, but that doesn’t really count because the carpet didn’t match the drapes, you know? I guess I need a larger sample size before I can say for sure.

LOVE

Dean

Dear Dean,

The other day I was walking through the mall, minding my own business, when some random salesman grabbed my hand and started to give ONE finger a manicure and sell me some sort of “magical” nail-care kit. I was probably there for five minutes total. How do you avoid being accosted by these types? Answers that would not involve giving me a criminal record would be much preferred.

Sincerely,

One-Pretty-Nailed PG

Dear PG,

Hey, wait, why are you upset about this? How else do you think I keep my nails looking so good and my cuticles so well-trimmed?

LOVE

Dean

Dear Dean,

I think my hypothetical brother might be a demon changeling with psychic powers—what should I do?

Sincerely,

A Construct

Dear Construct,

Do you love your brother or not? If you love him, stand by your man.

LOVE

Dean

Dear Dean,

Do you do love advice? My man and I are going to be apart for a while, but a girl’s got needs, you know? So should I make like Journey, “faithfully”? Or would you suggest in the immortal words of Stephen Stills, “love the one you’re with”?

Dear Journey-Fan,

That’s a tough one. We’ve got a bunch of factors to take into consideration: say, how much you love the guy, how long he’s going to be gone, and exactly how horny you are on a Saturday night. I mean, if it’s true love, you don’t want to fuck around with that. Doesn’t come along that often, and it’s worth holding on to when it does.
I recommend a trip to your local sex shop. Vibrators are one of the great inventions of the modern era, and you can quote me on that shit. I really like those ones with the rabbit ears—there was this one girl I knew, she—well, that’s not important.
A vibrator should take care of you until your man gets back; and if it’s snuggling you want, well, you can always go see a masseuse.
If you really want to test your devotion to each other, why don’t you try going on a road trip together? If you survive crappy diners and shitty no-name motels without wanting to kill each other by day two, then you know it’s true love and it’s probably time to get married.

LOVE

Dean

Dear Dean,

Who would win: Batman or Superman?

Love,

Gweneiriol

Dear Gweneiriol,

Did I get that right? Gweneiriol? Canary-ole? How bout I call you Gwen.
This is a no-brainer. Superman. Brawn over brains, you know? Batman’s crafty, but he can’t slice anybody in two with lasers he shoots from his eyeballs. Supes would wrap him around a telephone pole and leave him there. Maybe Batgirl could come and rescue him: I’ve always been fond of that little outfit she wears. Also, Superman is not a pedophile who likes to dress young boys up in daisy-dukes.
Sam, on the other hand, thinks that Batman would win in any fight. I’m a little skeptical about this theory, but Sam seems to think that Batman has the “amoral edge” that would grant him “definitive victory.”
I think Sam’s a big fucking nerd. Who actually believes in “sonar” anyway. And seriously: how many issues does this guy have? He’s a freaking bat.

LOVE

Dean

Dean loves all the little children!

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 15:33:01 GMT

Dear Dean,

What would you do for a klondike bar?

Nova

Dear Nova,

Nothing. I don't like 'em. What the fuck is a Klondike? I don't trust Canada. That's right, I said it.

LOVE Dean

Dear Dean,

Considering how you fight evil every day and have done so for many years, I figured you'd be the best person to turn to in a situation like this.

How do I get my friend to stop trying to get me to listen to Death Cab For Cutie? I like to consider myself very open when it comes to music, but seriously...their music is just bad. Almost irrationally so.

So, suggestions?

Sincerely,
A Proud Rock Fan

Dear APRF,

First of all, you should've signed your letter with a name that would make a cool acronym. Something like "Dying of Especially Atrocious Noise." Maybe you couldn't handle how awesome that word is.

Second of all, what kind of lame-ass band name is Death Cab for Cutie? You gotta be shitting me. The hell is a death cab and why does Cutie want it? Jesus. Your friend either has awful taste or is a psychopath. I'm not willing to take bets on which one it is.

I recommend any of the following techniques: death threats, breaking/stealing CDs, and/or a forcible introduction to the finer points of good music. Anything made after the early 1980s doesn't count. Repeat after me: the 1990s were a musical wasteland. James Hetfield is God. Write this mantra backward on your friend's forehead with permanent marker. Enough booze and there won't even be any complaints.

Sam tried to listen to that emo shit in my car once, but after I torched his CDs with my lighter and he cried like a little girl for a while, he learned to leave the music-selecting to the master.

LOVE Dean

Dear readers: Any inaccuracies regarding cock-rock or James Hetfield are because I listen to crappy emo music. LOVE Susan

Wincon!

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 05:18:01 GMT

Dear bitches who are going to Wincon, send us questions at winchester.advice@gmail.com and we will answer them. Onstage, I guess. During our PANEL. I will be drunk. Jaida will possibly sing a song from Les Miserables. How can you resist that sort of temptation!

P.S. Dean will cry if you don't send anything in.

P.P.S. Put FOR WINCHESTERCON in the subject line, that way it will go to the top of the list.

Two for the price of one.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 14:49:00 GMT

Dear Sam and Dean,

All people are the same in that we all put our pants on one leg at a time. But it is rumored that one can tell a lot about a man by which pants leg he starts with. So, which leg does each of you start with? If either or both cannot remember off the top of your head, I can just observe for myself, no biggie.

Signed,
Leftie First

Dear Leftie,

Do most people put their pants on one leg at a time? Huh.

LOVE Dean

Dear Dean,

I just found out that the laptop that you and Sam use belongs to you. To which I have only one thing to ask: Dude, what's up with the girly stickers??

Sincerely (bewildered),
hrlo

Dear Hrlo,

I'm not sure where you're seeing these "girly stickers." You mean the rugged and manly skull? Or the extremely masculine protection symbols at either end? It's not like I've got fuckin' Hello Kitty on there. Jesus.

Anyway, it was Sam's idea. He got those stickers off the internet before he left for college, and I just never got around to taking them off. If I peel them off now there'll be one of those gross sticky residue things. Man, I hate that shit.

Funny story: I tried to shoot one of the little fuckers off with rock salt once but now the damn thing is just lumpy.

Most importantly, though, these stickers pick up rogue wireless signals all over the country. (Well, them, and the psychic implant in Sam's head, which also picks up radio wavelengths out of state. But don't try to tune his ear, 'cause he'll get seriously pissed.) So basically, no matter where we go we can always have instant access to google and ebay, which together can solve 99.95% of all supernatural-related problems.

Whatever. In conclusion: stickers are useful, manly and stylish. Also, they're kinda like reading Proust in a coffee shop--even if you're reading that shit upside down, chicks are gonna come over and talk to you. And, if you're not completely retarded like my brother here, you'll actually put the book down.

LOVE Dean

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 21:08:58 GMT

Dear Dean,

There is something I have always wondered...What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Regards,

Arthur, King of the Brits

P.S. It burns when I pee. What do I do?

Dear Arthur,

Dude, aren't you dead? No? Hell, stranger things have happened.

Okay, so to figure out how fast a swallow's going, first you have to know how much it weighs. Are there coconuts involved? I hear they can really throw a wrench in the works. You also have to know the air temperature, the swallow's launching speed, how far it's going, and. Uh. Some other stuff. Shit, whatever, I just have a GED, I don't know all this physics bullshit.

I can help you with the burning piss problem, though. Four words: go see a doctor. You don't want to mess around with that shit. Next thing you know, your dick'll turn colors and fall off, and that's no fun for anyone involved.

LOVE Dean

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 17:35:41 GMT

Dear Dean,

I'm having trouble getting my daughter to sleep at night. She's afraid that there are monsters under her bed! What should I say to her to get her to go to bed? Is there anything I can do?

Thanks Dean!

Dear Worried Mom,

Not to alarm you, but there could be monsters under her bed. Have you checked? If there's anything fishy, call me, I'll try to swing by. Things hiding under kids' beds go right to the top of the Critters To Kill list.

There probably isn't anything under there, though. Aren't many things that like hiding under beds - too cramped and dusty, and plus it's hard to manuever. I'd say the closet's more likely, but if she isn't worried about that, it's time for a little harmless deception. Take Sammy - he was terrified of the dark when he was a kid. Our dad, of course, gave him a gun, but I wouldn't recommend that for your average suburban household. I told Sammy that if he brushed his teeth two times before he went to bed, his breath would smell too nice and all the monsters would be scared away.

If that's no good, you could always put a pair of your shoes on the floor at the foot of her bed and tell her it's a special monster-deterring technique. Or give her a flashlight to keep under her pillow - monsters are all terrified of light. She'll probably grow out of it pretty soon. Hell, even Sammy got over it by the time he was fourteen.

LOVE Dean

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 16:20:08 GMT

Dear Dean,

Where's Waldo?

Dear Waldo Fan,

In my pants.

LOVE Dean

Dear Dean,

I think I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Dear Confused & Dangerous,

I know that's not your name, but just roll with me on this one. ANYway, I always say, everything's worth trying sometime, right? Give it a go. Take pictures, you know my address. None of that artsy-Myspace-can't-see-anything-bullshit, either.

Let me know how it works out.

LOVE Dean

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 19:09:12 GMT

Dear Dean,
My roommate is driving me crazy! All she does is sit around with her friends and watch episodes of Supernatural over and over again. She makes all sorts of screechy noises, and frequently cries out, "DEAN, DEAN, DEAN!!" I honestly think it would be less annoying if she were to have loud sex while I was doing my homework. What do I do?!
-Frazzled

Dear Frazzled,

What's this girl's name, and how can I get in touch with her? I'm always eager to meet chicks who are willing to scream my name loudly.

As far as your "problem" goes, the clear solution is to start watching this TV show. I've never heard of it, but if it's got a character named Dean, it can't be all bad. Or maybe you should encourage your roommate to have loud sex while you're doing your homework. Hell, I sure wouldn't object to that. Maybe I could be the one she's having loud sex with. Get back to me with her phone number, yeah?

LOVE Dean

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 13:04:39 GMT

Dear Dean,

My question is twofold:

1. A series of (mostly) unrelated events has led to my being handcuffed to a headboard. It's a long and embarrassing story that mostly involves a lot of tequila and a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. You have a bit of a reputation as a master locksmith, so I thought I'd ask your advice. Please help me, Dean! You're my only hope! (Well, short of calling Macgyver, but, frankly, he doesn't have your… assets.)

2. I'm getting a tattoo and I was wondering if you had any advice on useful symbols that would look good. If it helps, that tat's going on my hip.

Any words of wisdom?

Dear Skynyrd Fan,

If you're handcuffed to a headboard, how are you writing an email to me? The freaky powers of your brain? Get with it, lady, no way am I falling for that one. Last time I got involved in that sort of foolishness, I woke up in a dumpster the next morning with shaved legs and not a scrap of clothing on me.

I still refuse to believe that the only freakin' thing Sammy could find for me to wear back to the motel room was a dress. Jesus Christ.

Chicks with tattoos are hot, though, so maybe I'll forgive you for your pitiful attempt at catching me off guard. Dean Winchester is always alert, man. Keep with the program.

I'm always partial to naked ladies, myself. That way, when I'm mapping out your tattoo with my tongue, I'll have two naked ladies to look at. Kinda feels like buy-one-get-one-free day at the supermarket.

LOVE Dean

Dean would like to state, for the record, that Sam no longer has any hair.

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 17:11:51 GMT

Dear Dean,

We just bought a beautiful spread in Vermont, about 25 acres outside of Burlington. We're interested in earth-friendly farming, but have conflicting information about different practices.

In your opinion, what is the real difference between biointensive farming and organic farming and which would you, without reservation, practice on your own farm?

Thanks for your help. We're big fans.

Mr. and Mrs. Van McNulty

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Van McNulty,

You seem to be misinformed about the column to which you've written. It's OK; mix-ups like this happen all the time. In order to prevent my brother from answering with extensive and unnecessary information on kinds of fertilizer, aka "crap for your grass" as he calls it, I've taken the liberty of googling a few of your questions. Hopefully some of the following information will be of use to you in addressing your farming concerns.

According to Wikipedia.org, biointensive farming is "an organic agricultural system which focuses on maximum yields from the minimum area of land, while simultaneously improving the soil." It would seem that, as the biointensive method is best for small-scale farming, and, once again according to Wikipedia.org, "is well suited to anything from personal, family, or community gardens, market gardens, or ' minifarms.' It has also been used successfully on small scale commercial farms." It would seem that, since you are working with a small amount of farmland for your own purposes, biointensive farming is right for you.

However, I would highly recommend organic farming, as synthetic fertilizers and pesticides are often harmful. You might consider joining a local community or farmer's market in order to sell your produce.

Sincerely,

Sam Winchester

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 15:46:54 GMT

ladyjaida has flitted off to a foreign land and is NOT PULLING HER WEIGHT. She will also kick my ass for saying that. Bring it, cupcake.

Dear Dean,

I love to travel, but my beauty routine always suffers when I'm on the road. How do you keep your hair so nice, your face so clear, and your cuticles so well-manicured while killing monsters, showering in skeezy hotels, and subsisting on Cheetos?

Best wishes,
Anna

P.S. I generally don't sleep with boys who are prettier than me, but for you I'd make an exception.

Dear Anna,

The secret to keeping your hair nice while on the road chasing evil is keeping it short. Haircuts are cheap, easy and a good solution to all your hair-care woes - and when they aren't, God gave us scissors and mirrors for a reason. That reason is: so we wouldn't look like a raccoon's ass. Long hair just doesn't work when you're on the road. Take Sammy, for example. Now compare the two of us.

Am I right, or am I right?

My face is clear because I naturally have an excellent complexion, and because Cheetos are part of a secret beauty regimen, the details of which I'm not allowed to divulge at this time.

LOVE Dean

P.S. Sam's the pretty one, OK?

Mon, 29 May 2006 15:29:13 GMT

Dear Dean,

I think that you and Sam need an assistant. You know, to distract the cops with womanly assets while you two sneak around, doing your brotherly snooping thing. I have a vast experience in being a distraction and would like to offer my services.

Much love,
Kelsi

P.S. My closet likes to make growling noises. Now I'm not sure if that's just the old Dell computer parts in it, or there's something else there. Any advice?

Dear Kelsi,

It depends. Would you wear slinky lingerie or - even better - skin-tight leather? And four-inch spike heels? If you're okay with that, I might be open to negotiations. Sam would want you to wear a nun's habit, but don't worry, I can totally take him.

LOVE Dean

P.S. Sounds like you're in need of an EMF reader. They're real easy to make out of old electronics parts. Just go in the closet and wave it around for a while. If it beeps, you've got a poltergeist, in which case I would advise you to get the hell out of the house ASAP. Then call me. Make sure you're wearing those heels.

ETA: Dean has... *counts* ~~twenty-five~~ twenty-six unanswered questions on LJ alone. That isn't including email. So if your question takes a while to come up? Yeah. He will get to it eventually.

Sat, 27 May 2006 20:11:44 GMT

Dear Dean,

Whenever I do laundry, I always end up losing one of my socks. I look and I look, but I can never find it! Anything I can do about this?

(And who does the laundry? You or Sam?)

Thanks a bunch! Keep up the good work.

Lyra

Dear Lyra,

If you ask Sam, he'll tell you that all the socks in the world that go missing are actually his fault, along with global warming, good shows getting cancelled and puppies dying. Truth is, though, that Sam can't do a load of laundry to save his life. He always shrinks my jeans. Shit pisses me off.

I always safety-pin my socks together before I throw them in the wash. Sometimes those fuckers still disappear, but at least then I don't have mismatched pairs. I would also suggest checking the top of the inside of the dryer; sometimes they stick up there and disappear into the gloom.

The best method, though, is to just stop wearing socks altogether. What?

LOVE Dean

another two-fer

Fri, 26 May 2006 14:44:21 GMT

Dear Dean,

I've got highly sensitive skin and tend to scar rather easily. I've noticed that you seem to get sliced and diced on a regular basis (ex. daevas in Chicago), but you always seem to come out looking "shiny and new" in the long run. What's your secret?

Marjory

P.S. I've also got a horribly nasty poltergeist messing with my bed. You wouldn't mind having a looksee between the sheets, would you?

Dear Marjory,

You're expecting me to answer your question about scars and skin and whatever when you stuck in a P.S. like that? You obviously don't know Dean Winchester.

Full name and address please.

LOVE Dean

P.S. Some people are just born with naturally regenerating skin. Don't ask questions. Just enjoy it. Although I will add that Vaseline Intensive Care's "Aloe Cool & Fresh" smells nice and doesn't feel greasy at all.

Dear Dean:

My brother started this advice collumn [sic]. How do I tell him he's not smart enough to help people like that?

Lots of Love, Princess Samantha

Dear Princess Samantha,

Anyone who misspells it as "collumn" needs to think twice before casting the first stone. I'm just sayin'. Put on your fucking tiara and read a dictionary, you little bitch.

That's why I always get the extra cookie.

LOVE Dean

Thu, 25 May 2006 16:30:25 GMT

Dear Dean,

What should I do with my time after I finish watching all three seasons of One Tree Hill? I have no clue what to do with myself!

Confused in Cincituckee.

Dear Confused in Cincituckee,

First of all (and this never happens) I have no idea what you're talking about. This sounds a lot like some television show Sam watches - Sam and the rest of America's thirteen-year-old girls - and thirteen-year-old girls really aren't my thing. But I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that if you're in a bind and for some strange reason you can't get out there to rent a damn fine movie (the Godzilla sequels deserve a fanbase, is all I'm saying) then whatever you do, don't get sucked into daytime television. There's this soap opera with a freakin' chimp in it.

That's a dark and dangerous path to take.

Anyway, I wouldn't usually admit to this, but in your time of desperation, I'm willing to say that I've picked up a lot of good tips from watching Veronica Mars. Girl's sharp as a tack. And sexy. Did I mention the sexy? Because seriously, goddamn.

Sam suggests you start on Gilmore Girls next. There's a character named Dean in it who's apparently kind of attractive. What can I say? That name brings good luck and good genes.

LOVE Dean

P.S. If you're really at loose ends, we could always meet up in Tempe...

Two for the price of one.

Wed, 24 May 2006 16:02:48 GMT

Dear Dean,

Dude, what the hell is that pendant around your neck? It's been driving me [and a bunch of other folks] crazy for a while now. Help a sista out.

Dear Nosy Lady,

That's for me to know and you to not know. Ever. I mean it.

LOVE Dean

Dear Dean,

This is sort of embarrassing, but I was hoping you could help. My boyfriend gave me these really sexy underwear for my birthday, and I know he'll want me to wear them when I see him this weekend. Problem is, I was wearing them last night and somehow I accidentally left them in another guy's car. It was totally a mistake, but I really need to get them back! So any tips on how to get into a locked car? It's an old Chevrolet Impala, if that helps.

Thanks!

Dear Cindy,

The red ones with the lace trim, right? Man, those were so fucking hot, I love a woman in satin.

...Uh. Moving on.

A Slim Jim's the best way to get into older cars, but a coat hanger can work just as well if you've got good hands. And you've got great hands. Depending on how desperate you are, wrap your hand in an old t-shirt or something and just punch in the window.

(I'm staying at the Seaside Motor Inn, room 212. If you come by before 3:00, I should be around.)

LOVE (seriously) Dean

Dean is still working on responses to all your questions. He's looking forward to getting more -- and that's a subtle Winchester hint.

Tue, 23 May 2006 18:42:25 GMT

Dear Dean,

Is there a fool-proof way to tell if my boss's boss is Possessed by Evil or just a run-of-the-mill schmuck? On one hand, he does seem to feed off of human misery, and his eyes tend to glow disturbingly during long staff meetings. On the other hand, I've been told that's common with upper-middle management.

P.S. Please don't suggest dousing him with Holy Water as a test. I think that's what messed up my last performance review.

Dear Lady with Evil Boss,

Is there some sort of beverage he drinks regularly? Does he always have a cup of coffee in his hand? Diet Coke? Try putting some holy water in there. It might get sort of gross, but at least you'll know for sure if he's possessed. In fact, you could even make the coffee for him. This way, you can win friends, influence people, and detect demons, all at the same time.

Another excellent method: walk up behind him and mutter "Christo" a couple times. If he starts twitching, you've got him. (Sam would like to point out that sometimes this isn't the best move, and twitching only means the dude thinks you're out of your mind. This might be true. See if you can be "subtle" about "dropping" the "name of god" into every-day conversation. You can also try writing Christo down on a memo. If anybody asks, say you were distracted and meant to write "Christine.")

If all else fails, you could always start wearing a crucifix. Wave it around in his face and talk about Jesus for a while. Everybody loves a fundamentalist!

He could just be a shitty human being, though, and then your only real option is to quit your job and begin a life of crime, like me. If you do go this route, let me know. There are so few women who can appreciate a good life of crime these days.

LOVE Dean

Dean would like to state that he is slowly working on answering all of y'all's questions and his responses will be posted over the next several days!

Tue, 23 May 2006 15:13:20 GMT

Note to readers: Dean's received a number of queries on how to solve money problems, so this one actually goes out to all you penny-pinchers in need of some quick cash.

Dear Dean,

so right. I have this problem.

I had a friend over the other day and we sort of road-tripped the country. As a result I'm broke now. And with broke I mean totally broke. There is no money in my bank account, I even overdrew it. This hardly happened to me before and I'm totally worried.

I don't want to ask my parents for more money since I always pretend to be grown up and stuff. So I figured I'd write to you (since you drive a lot too and probably know that fueling costs so much) to ask for advice.

So Dean, what do I do? It's close to graduating and I don't have the time to get a proper job and I need a solution that's fast and effective.

Thanks in advance.

Much love,
Petra

Dear Petra,

In times of need, I always turn to credit card fraud.

Now, credit card fraud isn't an easy fix - no matter what some people might say about it, it's actually an art form. Here are a few tips from a pro. Just start by digging through somebody's recycling until you find a credit card application - or better yet, a pre-approved card. If people are dumb enough to throw that shit out without shredding it, they deserve to suffer from identity theft.

Seriously. Fucking idiots.

From my own experience, I've learned that the easiest franchise to hit up is Mastercard, but American Express will do in a pinch. You may have to go back on the road for a while if shit hits the fan, but you've already got some experience with that so I think you'll be OK. If you're careful and do me proud, you might even sail through the end of college debt-free (why you're going there anyway beats me, but I hope you're enjoying all the fine parties, unlike some people who spend way too much time in the library and refuse to cut their hair).

Other ways to get fast cash: playing pool and card sharking. Sam says temp work's a good way to go, but hell, who wants to be stuck in some windowless office all day? Just wander into a bar and sucker some back-woods dumbfucks out of their "hard-earned" cash. You need it more than they do.

LOVE Dean

open for business

Tue, 23 May 2006 13:56:26 GMT

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