All the News in Fits of Print

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 12:10:00 GMT

Lemony Snicket's site has been updated. The most notable addition is the Vile Videos, the first of which is "12 Books, 120 Seconds" in which Tim Curry (hurray!) recaps the first twelve books in the series in 120 seconds. It looks like there are two more to come. You can watch the first one here.

The Beatrice Letters

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 04:31:08 GMT

July 2006

Dear Readers,

In less than three months, The End will be here. Will the Baudelaire children survive the last in A Series of Unfortunate Events? Will bookstores everywhere be stormed by angry mobs? Will nobility prevail? Will Beatrice, to whom Lemony Snicket has dedicated every book in A Series of Unfortunate Events, miraculously return? Will the world lie in blubbering ruins?

Alarmingly, one or more of these questions might be answered sooner than you think. On September 5, a matter of weeks before the publication of The End, Lemony Snicket will release The Beatrice Letters, an unbearably private collection of personal correspondence. Including a note passed in class, a startling telegram, a coded sonnet, and a desperate plea for assistance between Mr. Snicket and Beatrice, the trove of evidence starts long before The Bad Beginning and extends far beyond The End.

Thousands have already downloaded and sought to complete “13 Shocking Secrets You’ll Wish You Never Knew About Lemony Snicket,” hoping to be ready for the final installment in A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Beatrice Letters suggests that there is at least one -- and possibly two -- more secrets you need to know.

Don't you wish we hadn't mentioned it?

With all due respect,

Harper Collins Publishers

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 18:32:40 GMT

Hello everyone! I know it's been awhile and things are a little dead around here but out of curiosity is anyone keeping up with lemonysnicket.com? I just went on today and I saw a new 'game' like thing where you have to remember things from other books and they have letters circled etc ... and it leads you to the the thirteenth 'shocking secret' about Lemony Snicket. [There are 12 others and they, along with the last one which I finally figured out, are PUZZLING.] Theres a lot of good stuff there including a map of all the characters in the books relating them to each other.

It seems like the last book is just called 'The End'? I find that somewhat disappointing but also very Snicket-esque. Anyway I just wanted to put it out there that there is more information to be read, and if anyone's having trouble with the clues for the last secret, I have the whole thing/each individual answer.

The end is near!
♥Jenn

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 15:45:25 GMT

Usually when I read one of the SoUE books I can always think of a way that the orphans could get out of their situation or a way to solve the problem ( though it usually involves violence, something I'm sure the orphans wouldn't resort to.. ). But I was thinking last night and I think that their problem with the two twin porters ( Their names escape me at the moment.. ) is actually quite a serious problem. Can anyone think of a way to tell the villain from the virtuous? Perhaps if the orphans asked both men to meet them somewhere the volunteer would show up early, because that is a polite thing to do and the villain would be their late because tardiness is a villainous characteristic? Let me hear your ideas!

New Here

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 04:45:46 GMT

I'm new here. I'm almost done book 4, but I know that I will love the rest of them. I went out and bought them a few days ago. I'm going to see the movie now that I've read 1-3.

(Is this allowed?)

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 21:02:48 GMT

I haven't read the new book. I have moved countries so I haven't gotten the book immediately but I'll get it tomorrow. I don't know if my VFD theories have been discussed before or if they're obvious or if I missed it or what, so I don't think there'll be any Penultimate Peril spoilers behind the cut.

Okay. Let's look at the families of orphans we know in the series.
1. The Baudelaires
2. The one with Fiona who was the sister of the hook handed man (was he adopted? Been a while...) except I don't think they were orphans. I haven't read these books in months or a year but I love them anyway.
3. The Quagmires.

Let's take the first letter of the first name of the oldest Baudelaire.

Violet

Let's take the first letter of the first name of the oldest InsertFiona'slastnamehere not including adopted people (assuming the hook handed man was adopted).

Fiona

Let's take the first letter of the first name of the living Quagmire--because it's not really known in the fictional world of ASOUE that Quigley's alive except to the Baudelaries and some others--who is male because society seems to dominate males over females.

Duncan

Boo-yah!

Here's another one, but people have reacted in both ways: 1) told me they knew that already, or 2) they went ballistic at my genius and yelled at me because I spoiled the books for them.

Look at the VFD eye. See how it says VFD because V is the eyebrow, F is the thingy in the middle, and D is the actual eye. I'm so proud I figured this out myself, I don't remember having read it but I discovered it when I saw Daniel Handler's sketch of it in The Unauthorized Autobiography.

Don't claim my theories as your own!
Don't spoil the new book for me in the comments, either.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 20:06:23 GMT

So, who's finished the book?

I read it out loud to my sister. It's much more fun that way, because we can squee over the references to LSUA that no-one in the book gets, and work out the Sebald Code bits together, and whatnot. There was this one bit where the good Manager-guy (I'm dreadful with names) is explaining how the concierge bell system works, and says something like "I can't tell if you are assocciates or enemies please signal", and we were going "WAH they don't know the Sebald Code!"
We still don't know what the Sugar Bowl is for. They're called follow-up questions, kids. Jeez. The name given to it- Vessel For Dissacharides- was ingenious.
The voice thing with the Man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard (hee) is suss. Voice Fakery Disguise, perhaps? It's just, every time he mentions them, he's all "The woman totally has this REALLY DEEP VOICE, all right? REALLY deep. And the man has a REALLY HOARSE VOICE. You got that? Run it back for me. You sure you've got it? Really? Okay."
Honestly, who hadn't pegged Dewey as a redshirt the moment he turned up?
Also, Olaf is now a complete arse. We all know he's an evil villian, but that's no excuse for making Esme and Carmelita die in the fire. "Fire? What fire? There's no fire. You just stay in the hotel, no matter what. No, they turned the central heating up, that's all." Look at Hannibal Lecter. There's evil incarnate who'll eat your liver and still make you feel like he's done you a favour.
The random taxi driver man has the sugar bowl now. Good-oh.
The Baudelaire's parents killed Olaf's parents with poison darts? Ooo. That's interesting, so I'll forgive Lemony for smacking us over the head with the "Noble People Sometimes Have To Do Villanous Things- Does This Make Them Evil? Discuss." theme again.
OLAF SCREAMED FOR HIS MUMMY/MOMMY. HAHAHAHAH. Wonder if he'll die, or if he'll bugger off to some other country, or if he'll catch a plane to LA and crash on a desert island with baby-eaters and Giant Invisible Mechasaurs, or what.
I don't imagine the Baudelaires will live happily ever after. I like to think they'll have some massive task for their life work, like rebuilding VFD all on their own, that will keep them busy for the rest of their lives.

alrighty then!

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 18:58:33 GMT

ok. so i went to my local bookstore to do my art homework.
pretty normal i guess.
i needed a book on salvador dali... basically..

*walks up to counter*
*la-de-da etc*
"erm... i need..."
*GASP*

...yea.
the book kinda... lets say... slipped my mind XDDD

At the next-to-last second.......

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 00:16:37 GMT

In just a little bit I will sadly race to my cheerless book store and force myself to purchase a certain melancholy book. I will use cold coins, because paper money will just get wet with my copious tears.

BEFORE I BUY MY NAMELESS BOOK, I have a question for all of you.

Do you harbor any hope that one of the Baudelaire's parents are alive??

Some think that Quigly was the mysterious survivor of the fire mentioned in book 8, but I still have high hopes.

And if there IS a survivor of the Baudelaire fire, I am SURE it is the mother. In The Slippery Slope Lemony Snicket assures us that the dead men in their lives, Jaques Snicket and their father, would never rise again.

What do you think?

sigh

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 18:41:24 GMT

How should we, who abjure spoilers, whittle away the hours before The Nameless Novel is named, and appears on bookshelves?

Shall we count up the letters in this clue and trust the tittle to The Littlest Elf?

Shall we follow the link to the Very Flawed (morraly) Dealer (of books) and find out what the actual title is?

I, for one, will pass my time in more erudite ways.

Just two days ago I found this fun little game. I suggest you play it now. It will keep you amused during these difficult times.

This is mine:

Good Stuff

Are you bothered by inopportune snow gnats? Do you feel Carmelita-like every day? Does your cake-sniffer hurt? Then THE VERY FINE DOOHICKEY is for you! This carnivorous, penultimate treat is chock-full of wasabi.

Here is what Duncan Quagmire of Village of Fowl Devotees, Mount Fraught had to say about THE VERY FINE DOOHICKEY. "I start every day with THE VERY FINE DOOHICKEY. It's simply erstatz! Even my tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian loves it"

Don't delay! Buy THE VERY FINE DOOHICKEY today!

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 10:31:10 GMT

G'day, voulenteers!

Well, with three days to go until Book the Twelfth comes out, most people are in one of two camps. The first of these is the "Three days to go; isn't it exiting?" camp. The other camp frantically ferret through the internet for spoilers, knowing that as they do so, they will spoil the ending for themselves, but simply can't help themselves. I am ashamed to say that I am in the second group. I thought I should share this link for those who, like me, want to know what will happen. Spoilers include a picture of the cover, including the title, and a link in the comments to a synopsis of the first few chapters.

With all due respect,

Eruvadhril

The world is quiet here.

Wed, 11 May 2005 10:52:32 GMT

This has probably been discussed before . . but is anyone familiar with the lyrics of this song? It's from an album released in 1988 - well before the Lemony Snicket books - but it's very intriguing nonetheless. Just thought I'd share . . .

V.F.D. by Michelle Shocked

Me and my friend and this boy named Eddie
We was bored one afternoon
We was sitting in the hay
It was a hot Texas day
And we was playing with matches like some kids do

We would throw our matches in the high dry grass
Close our eyes and count to ten
And then race the burning field
Doin' the toe and heel
We'd die laughing
We'd do it all over again

I'm singing
Where there's smoke there's sure to be a fire
Ready, steady, go, it was down to the wire
We was racing inevitability
We was making trouble for the V.F.D.
(That's the Volunteer Fire Department, now)

Oh, I'm sure that you know how this story goes
Our little fire ran out of control
Somebody called for the V.F.D.
It was not me, it weren't me, Jack

A-ha, they drive from fifteen miles away
So when they arrive, I'm sorry to say
That the field was black
Yes, and the sky was grey
And you know those barns they store hay in...?

A-ha, the volunteers all shook their heads
And then I recall one of them said
"This fire was no accident
No, this fire started with a match"

I slowly backed into the crowd
Me and Eddie we looked at each other
We never mentioned it to this day
But my friend, she went and told her mother all
Jesus!
(Can you believe that?)

She said
"Where there's smoke there's sure to be a fire
Ready, steady, go, it was down to the wire
We was racing inevitability, ma
We was making trouble for the V.F.D., ma
We was raising insurance premiums, ma
We was spreading fear of arson
We was spreading fear of arson
All around Kelsey"

Hurricane Olaf!

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 13:08:27 GMT

Hurricane Olaf churning through Pacific waters. Interestingly enough, the storm's shape is rather elongated...

The Daily Punctilio strikes again!

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 00:46:58 GMT

I apologize in advance for this shameless pimp.

punctilio_print has just produced its very first newsletter. The community exists to broadcast information throughout the entire ASoUE fandom, and collects information from all corners of the internet to post in one easy community. Every day, we post once announcing everything going on relating to ASoUE. Icons, fanart, fanfiction, movie and book news, discussions, theories... it goes on and on. This is a great way to get noticed, find communities and resources you're seeking, and just meet up with other fans and have a great time. You don't have to join, but at least check it out! We know you'll find it useful.

Cross-posted like whoa.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 22:55:41 GMT

what a clever idea for a community!
of course, i'm all about creative ideas (other people's, not mine. or maybe mine too).
i loved the lemony S. books and saw the movie twice. as a writer i can appreciate clever writing, a phrase which here means "i really liked the way the series was written. the auther is very talented".

right, well i'm kari and i can't wait to be part of this community! i'm 19 and a sophomore in college, and i love to read.
<3

daniel handler

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 15:43:18 GMT

i just finished reading watch your mouth and i loved it.

i'm completely enthralled by anything daniel handler.

i just started a myspace group to celebrate his works, if anyone is on myspace and is interested in joining, i am looking for members.
i was member of some unfortunate events themed groups but they ended going astray and i was getting sick of the frivolous banter.

here is the link if you are interested. http://groups.myspace.com/danielhandler

cheers, and sorry for plugging. i greatly apologize.

good day to you all,
aubr3y

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 20:27:43 GMT

i am currently reading watch your mouth by our beloved daniel handler and he refers to a queequeg coffee shop. queequeg is also the name of the submarine in the grim grotto. did anyone else read this?

Lemony Snicket in Psychology Today

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 17:59:18 GMT

I found this and thought you all might be interested :O

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20050121-000003.html

x-posted

icons... theres about 40 here... tell me what you think. I know they're not good but still...

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 15:00:55 GMT

apologies for the really long entry...

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 12:48:52 GMT

Count Olaf is Bad Mofo Love

<*center>
<*img src="*http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v187/TurdFerguson/olafcolorbar.gif*">
<*a href="*http://livejournal.com/community/daily_punctilio/*">Count Olaf is Bad Mofo Love

first post

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 21:22:50 GMT

hello, i'm new to this community, etc. etc.

i am in the middle/end of the hostile hospital. i have to say that all this anagram talk got me thinking...

is esme's name an anagram?

i looked at her whole name

esme gigi genevieve squalor

and i notice that you can get "quagmire" out of that, but outside of that, i am stuck. maybe someone else has an idea about it, or maybe it's really just a coincidence

regardless, i just thought that was interesting.

Excerpts from the ORIGINAL LEMONY SNICKET SCREEPLAY! Unfortunate Spoilers for something or other.

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 14:54:35 GMT

Posted on 667 Dark Avenue Forums by JustDominic and ImAFemmeFatale. These are purportedly from the original, rejected LSaSoUE screenplay written by Daniel Handler, which ImAFemmeFatale gained hold of through a friend of her mother's who was supposed to do the costuming for the original movie.

1) All credit goes to JustDominic and ImAFemme Fatale, and Daniel Handler of course.
2) It's kind of out of order and there may be some spelling/grammatical/other errors. That's the way it was posted. Apologies if you have any trouble.
3) The pieces in bolded italics are ImAFemmeFatale's words. The first part is apparently from an IM conversation IAFF and JustDominic had; the rest is direct writing of the screenplay.
4) Enjoy!

he made it so the whole movie was count olaf putting on a puppet show of the baudelaires in the first 3 books. it was good, so daniel handler, but ehh....its like 200 pgs or more long

ImAFemmeFatale: ok this is a diff part when the people go to the mansion
ImAFemmeFatale: EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION RUINS - NIGHT
ImAFemmeFatale: We're back at these ashy ruins, eerie in the dim light. We see the figures of the three AGENTS we saw on the TROLLEY, examining the wreckage. The PREGNANT AGENT holds the black V.F.D. BAG and is taking the WILL out of the ORNATE METAL BOX. The YOUNG BOY AGENT holds a cage just like SUNNY's, with something inside.
ImAFemmeFatale: okay thats one paragraph
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG GIRL AGENT (sadly) - To think, all this destruction is the result of the refraction and convergence of light.
ImAFemmeFatale: PREGNANT AGENT - If the Will is here, where are the Baudelaire children? What can this mean?
ImAFemmeFatale: The YOUNG GIRL AGENT looks at it;
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG GIRL AGENT - It means, "a place of refuge and protection"
ImAFemmeFatale: PREGNANT AGENT - We've got to get this to Josephine.
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG GIRL AGENT - We can't take it all teh way over there. Our enemies are watching the roads.
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG BOY AGENT - It'll have to get there as the crow flies
ImAFemmeFatale: He opens the cage, and we see a large CROW inside. He reaches in as we cut to.....
ImAFemmeFatale: OLAFS kitchen.

ImAFemmeFatale: ...the TOWER ROOM. The PREGNANT AGENT, still with her BLACK BAG reading V.F.D., is holding the TURQUOISE SOMBRERO, while the YOUNG BOY and YOUNG GIRL AGENTS are looking at VIOLET's INVENTION.
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG GIRL AGENT - Look at this.
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG BOY AGENT(smelling it) - Puttanesca
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG GIRL AGENT - The Baudelaires were here.
ImAFemmeFatale: The PREGNANT AGENT reaches into the BAG - it's stuffed with all sorts of papers and unreadable objects - and pulls out a PHOTO of a SOMBRERO. She holds it up : we have a match.
ImAFemmeFatale: PREGNANT AGENT - something's gone horribly wrong. Call josephine and tell her we're on our way.
ImAFemmeFatale: The other AGENTS nod, and the YOUNG GIRL AGENT takes out SPYGLASS and dials intp it as we cut to ..
ImAFemmeFatale: JOSEPHINE's LIBRARY - NIGHT
ImAFemmeFatale: KLAUS - So if we sail from Damocles Dock towards the Lavender Lighthouse, we'll reach the cave from the southwest. As long as we don't eat within the next hour -
ImAFemmeFatale: We hear the ringing of a phone. The baudelaires look at one another
ImAFemmeFatale: KLAUS - Aunt Josephine said she disconnected the telephone.
ImAFemmeFatale: It rings again, and the baudelaire look down at teh desk where the spyglass is vibrating slightly.
ImAFemmeFatale: VIOLET - It's not the telephone
ImAFemmeFatale: It rings again. Violet picks it up and looks it over. We hear a roll of thunder.
ImAFemmeFatale: KLAUS - The atlas has a warning about Hurricane Herman, a notorious storm that can strike at any -
ImAFemmeFatale: Sure enough, the library is suddenly engulfed in RAIN and WIND. The SPYGLASS is yanked from violet's hand and flies through the air. she grabs for it, but it eludes her and with out last ring, falls out the window. The baudelaires stand in the window looking down at teh spyglass as it tumbles. they stare for a moment and then with a sickening lurch, the entire room tilts toward the raging lake.
ImAFemmeFatale: there's a page where the agents find teh REAL baudelaire will, that says "under NO circumstances are you to entrust count olaf as guardian for violet claus and sunny. They are to be given to montgomery montgomery, but if that is not an option, please take them right to josephine annwhistle.

ImAFemmeFatale: The AGENTS continue to circle the HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER, moving in for the kill. Well, not kill.
ImAFemmeFatale: This is elaboratly choreographed if somewhat ineffectual, looking more like a halftime show than a battle: The AGENTS twirl and parry with their SPYGLASSES while the HENCHPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER swings its thick arms, whooshing over the agent's head.
ImAFemmeFatale: young girl agent -
ImAFemmeFatale: This is for Beatrice!
ImAFemmeFatale: the HENCHPERSON growls.
ImAFemmeFatale: PREGNANT AGENT - And this is for the secret passageway that you used without permission!
ImAFemmeFatale: Another growl.
ImAFemmeFatale: YOUNG BOY AGENT - And this is for -
ImAFemmeFatale: The henchperson swings its head toward the AGENT only to hit it on the arch.
ImAFemmeFatale: HENCHPERSON - Ow.
ImAFemmeFatale: (s)he blinks for a moment, and then falls on his or her face to the ground...
ImAFemmeFatale: GATE -NIGHT
ImAFemmeFatale: ...we see, at teh same moment, the gate swing open, while the BAUDELAIRES continue to stare.
ImAFemmeFatale: ARCH OF DAMOCLES DOCK - NIGHT
ImAFemmeFatale: young boy agent (to the girl agent) - that was surprisingly easy.
ImAFemmeFatale: But the young girl agent is striding purposefully toward the baudelaires, holding out her spyglass.
ImAFemmeFatale: young girl agent - violet, klaus, sunny - we're glad we found you.
ImAFemmeFatale: here, take this.
ImAFemmeFatale: She throws the spyglass to violet, who catches it absently.
ImAFemmeFatale: young girl agent - where is josephine?
ImAFemmeFatale: KLAUS leans down and picks up the atlas
ImAFemmeFatale: klaus (a bit dazed) - curdled cave, we think ... but...
ImAFemmeFatale: the pregnant agent approaches them with the bag.
ImAFemmeFatale: pregnant agent - we haven't much time. take thi-
ImAFemmeFatale: she holds out the bag but as she does so, in one carl stalling swoop, a net rises from the ground ensnarling every last agent like one of those wild game traps dr. livingstone set in the jungle. teh bag is tossed to the wet ground...
ImAFemmeFatale: gate - night
ImAFemmeFatale: ..and skims toward the baudelaires. sunny makes a grab for it, but it drops off the pier into the stormy lake. glump! the camera swivels back to...
ImAFemmeFatale: ..the arch, where the agents are a furious mass of netted humanity, dangling up in the air. below them, we see the two white faced women, standing at teh posts of teh arche smiling at one another in satisfaction
ImAFemmeFatale: (no clue)
ImAFemmeFatale: they are each holding the ropes controlling the nets.
ImAFemmeFatale: white faced woman 1 - there's something so satisfying about working with your hands.
ImAFemmeFatale: white faced women 2 - thank you.\
ImAFemmeFatale: they begin to tie the ropes to the arch, securing the net, while the pregnant agent pops her head out and calls to the baudelaires
ImAFemmeFatale: pregnant agent - we have the situation under control! baudelaires! get josephine and meet us back here.
ImAFemmeFatale: white faced woman 1 - josephine is alive?
ImAFemmeFatale: white faced woman 1 - josephine is alive?
ImAFemmeFatale: pregnant agent - go!
ImAFemmeFatale: the baudelaires go..

1. EXT. HILLTOP CEMETARY - DAY 1
This movie beins where most things end: A CEMETERY, one of the old-fashioned kinds, with rustling iron fates, and ivy. One TOMBSTONE reads "Beatrice - darling, dearest, dead," and there's a large and sinister CROW perched on top of it. Leaning wearily against another TOMBSTONE is a MAN in a GREY SUIT with a black FLOWER in the lapel.

The CROW caws. The MAN sighs.

LEMONY SNICKET
(for it is none other)
Hello, film enthusiasts. I am Lemony Snicket. I am the narrator of this motion picture, a phrase which here means "the man who insists on telling you the events in the story," although this story is so utterly miserable that I can scarcely speak of them. I am sorry to tell you that this dreadful movie contains such unfortunate events as this...
We cut to

INT. JOSEPHINE'S LIBRARY - NIGHT
...a large, formal LIBRARY, filled with BOOKSHELVES and overstuffed furniture. An enormous set of CURTAINS, obviously covering a huge WINDOW, dominates the room. Into the frame pops a woman with glasses, her hair up in a bun and a long fluttering SCARF around her neck. This woman (AUNT JOSEPHINE) opens her mouth and delivers a fluttering, somewhat ridiculously melodramatic SCREAM, flailing her arms over her head. She disappears from the frame and we see a bright BLUE rush toward the window. There is an enormous SHATTERING OF GLASS and the CURTAINS heave in the wind, blocking our view. Finally they part to reveal a vaguely person-shaped hole in a huge WINDOW, with JOSEPHINE's SCARF caught on a spike of glass, looking out over a STORMY SKY and down to the TURBULENT WATERS of a body of water ( LAKE LACHRYMOSE) . Did she throw herself out the window?

EXT. HILLTOP CEMETARY - DAY
MR. SNICKET stands up, getting more agitated.

17. EXT. EDGE OF THE BEACH - DAY 17
MR. SNICKET steps into the frame and stares sadly, first at the departing ENGINE and then at the BAUDELAIRES.

18. EXT. SHORE - DAY 18
All three BAUDELAIRES are staring out at the calm waters of the ocean. VIOLET puts her SUITCASE down on the sand, and presses a button on its top. It opens like a Venus flytrap, emitting a mechanical whir. KLAUS opens his BOOK.

VIOLET
Do you think this will be as good as the mailbox?
KLAUS
I think this will be better than the mailbox.

SUNNY nods in agreement, as a crazy Rube Goldberg DEVICE emerges from the SUITCASE. MR. SNICKET steps into the frame.

LEMONY SNICKET
Violet Baudelaire is the eldest Baudelaire child. She is fourteen years old and she is right-handed but even more interesting in that she is one of the finest inventors the world has ever known.

We cut to

19. EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION – NIGHT 19
…an enormous mansion, all turrets and domes and such. We move toward one particular WINDOW as we hear a voice call

BAUDELAIRE FATHER (V.O.)
Violet Baudelaire!

The camera reaches the window and we’re in

20. INT. BAUDELAIRE LIBRARY – NIGHT 20
…a formal, wood-paneled LIBRARY. The camera focuses on a LARGE DESK, where the otherwise unseen BAUDEALIRE FATHER is placing a red wax SEAL on a calligraphied page of parchment. At the top, it reads “THE BAUDELAIRE WILL.”

BAUDELAIRE FATHER
Please come downstairs and do the dishes!
VIOLET (O.S.)
But Dad – I’m at a very crucial moment in the process!

As she replies, the camera moves up to the next floor…

21 INT. VIOLET’S BEDROOM – NIGHT 21
…and we’re in VIOLET’s bedroom, dominated by a large WORKBENCH where VIOLET stands over the INVENTION we saw on the trolley. Mr. SNICKET stands behind her.

LEMONY SNICKET
Whenever you see her put her hair up in a ribbon like this –

VIOLET ties her hair up in a ribbon, puts on some welding goggles, and primly fires up a welding torch. MR. SNICKET also puts on some goggles.

LEMONY SNICKET
(shouting over the torch)
--it’s a sure sign she’s working on some fantastic device!

We back cut to…

22. EXT. SHORE – DAY 22
…the shore. VIOLET is hunched over her INVENTION with an old-fashioned OIL CAN and making a minute adjustment. KLAUS is reading his BOOK, walking in careful, measured strides and holding a long STICK. SUNNY is nowhere to be seen on the otherwise empty horizon.

KLAUS
Violet, would you say that it’s early mid-afternoon or late mid-afternoon?

VIOLET shades her eyes and looks at the sky.

VIOLET
I would say it’s mid-mid-afternoon

KLAUS nods, drives the STICK into the ground, squints out at the ocean as if surveying something, and looks back at his book as MR. SNICKET returns.

LEMONY SNICKET
The young man with the book is Klaus Baudelaire. He’s a bit older than twelve.

23 EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION – NIGHT 23
We’re back at the same mansion, with the camera moving toward the same window.

BAUDELAIRE MOTHER (V.O.)
Klaus Baudelaire!

The camera has once again reached …

24. INT. BAUDELAIRE LIBRARY - NIGHT 24
Now we see the hands of the BAUDELAIRE MOTHER, who is rolling up the SEALED WILL and placing it in an ORNATE METAL BOX.

BAUDELAIRE MOTHER
It is nearly an hour past your bedtime!
KLAUS (V.O.)
But I’ve just reached a crucial part of the analysis!

As before, the camera moves up a floor to

25. INT. KLAUS’S BEDROOM – NIGHT 25
…KLAUS, who is sitting in BED reading a COMICALLY THICK BOOK by the light of an AMBITIOUS BEDSIDE LAMP. LEMONY SNICKET stands behind the headboard talking to us.

LEMONY SNICKET
Klaus is a rhetorically encyclopedic euhemerist, a phrase which here means “the sort of person who reads everything he can get his hands on…

KLAUS turns a page.

LEMONY SNICKET
…and stores it all in his brain for precisely the right moment.”

We cut back to

26. EXT. SHORE – DAY 26
…the shore. MR. SNICKET is nowhere to be seen.

KLAUS
(pointing at the INVENTION and then the STICK)
So, that should go here, assuming this aquatic tide atlas is accurate.
VIOLET
(moving things into place)
So the invention should work.
KLAUS
If we have the right projectile.
VIOLET
Sunny, do we have the right projectile?

SUNNY pops up into the frame – apparently she was sitting in the sand. She is holding a small ROCK in her hands. MR. SNICKET steps into the frame.

LEMONY SNICKET
There are just two things you should know about Sunny Baudelaire. The first is that she sometimes talks in a way that is difficult to understand.

He pops out.

SUNNY
Copee! [caption: I’m almost done.]

He pops in.

LEMONY SNICKET
The second thing is that she has four very sharp teeth.

He pops out, and sunny grasps the rock, opens her mouth, and spins it quickly around her tooth, as if she’s sharpening a knife.

A loud, scraping SOUND comes from the ROCK, and when SUNNY holds it up again, it’s been transformed into a much flatter shape. She hands it to VIOLET, who looks at it and hands it to KLAUS, who gives her a thumbs-up.

KLAUS
This is perfect.
VIOLET
It’s too bad our parents couldn’t be here. That would be perfect.
KLAUS
Dad said he’ll cook us a victory dinner.
VIOLET
Only if there’s a victory.
KLAUS
There will be.

KLAUS takes a PEN from a pocket in his coat and marks the ROCK with an X, and hands it back to VIOLET. Like a pro pitcher, VIOLET holds the ROCK in both hands, bends down, and skips it into the ocean. We watch it skip twice, three times, too many times to count, and sink into the water. We see all three BAUDELAIRES from behind – all three of them have their fingers crossed. VIOLET steps to her device and puts her hand on a small, blue LEVER.

VIOLET
(quietly)
What’s that thing Einstein said?
KLAUS
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious…”
VIOLET pulls the lever as KLAUS continues, and the INVENTION whirs into life. A long flexible crane reaches gracefully out, skimming along the water like a flying fish.
KLAUS
“…It is the source of all true art and science.”

It reaches farther, farther. VIOLET smiles slightly.

VIOLET
And what’s that thing James Brown said?
KLAUS
(as deadpan as ever)
“I got something that makes me want to shout. I got something that tells me what it’s all about…”

Out in the ocean, the crane stops suddenly, and, in one dainty motion, dives into the water, retrieves something and zips back to shore and back into the SUITCASE, dropping the small object onto the sand. KLAUS picks up the object and we see, of course that it’s the damn ROCK, marked with an X.

KLAUS
(permitting himself a bit of cockiness)
“…I’m superbad.”
SUNNY
Rube! [It worked!]
KLAUS
(grinning at his sisters)
It worked like a charm!

The camera moves to MR. SNICKET.

LEMONY SNICKET
Yes, the invention worked, and all three Baudelaires were very happy…

The camera moves back to the BAUDELAIRES. SUNNY is frowning and pointing off camera.

SUNNY
Gack! [Look at that mysterious figure on the beach!]

The camera hurriedly moves back to Mr. SNICKET.

LEMONY SNICKET
So I think it would be best for all of us to pretend that this movie ends at this very pleasant moment.

27. EXT. BEAUTIFUL MEADOW – DAY 27
Meadow. Sky. Soundtrack. “The End”. We cut to

28. EXT. SHORE – DAY 28
The BAUDELAIRES are watching the approaching FIGURE of A MAN IN A TOP HAT, while MR. SNICKET walks out of the frame, shaking his head. The MAN pauses for a moment and coughs into a handkerchief, and the BAUDELAIRES smile.

VIOLET
Mr. Poe
KLAUS
From the bank? What’s he doing here?

MR. POE arrives, a middle-aged man in a black suit: all business. He removes his TOP HAT and wipes his brow, nods at the children, and pauses for a moment to catch his breath.

VIOLET
(what are you doing here?)
How do you do?
SUNNY
Odo yow? [ How do you do?]

He coughs once more into his handkerchief again, holding up one finger: I’m about to say something. Then he looks sadly at the Baudelaire, wondering when to begin.

MR. POE
I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you children. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.

The BAUDELAIRES don’t say anything.

MR. POE
They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. I’m very, very sorry to tell you this.

The BAUDELAIRES don’t say anything.

MR. POE
“Perished” means killed.

That is all there is for now. If any more is posted in the future, I'll either put it in this post, or in a new one.
Cross-posted to _lemonysnicket, danielhandler, snicketsource, the_periscope, and unluckyones.

Quagmire—noun

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 12:47:23 GMT

Curtesy of dictionary.com's word of the day, and perhaps a new word of the week for us? ;)

quagmire \KWAG-myr; KWOG-\, noun:

Soft, wet, miry land that shakes or yields under the feet.
A difficult or precarious position or situation; a predicament.

Thought you'd appreciate it. :)

just an icon. . .

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 21:37:43 GMT

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 20:19:17 GMT