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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Some country music on the jukebox. |
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Over the past couple of months, parts of me have been completely destroyed, to the point that a huge portion of my emotions are like dead nerve endings and the rest of me are open wounds I'll never successfully recover from.
Just to reiterate, here's my current life situation:
- My girlfriend of three years left me three days before our three-year anniversary. Within less than a week, she fooled around with a sixteen-year-old Mexican with a shitstache, hair as long as hers, and a Chiodos hoodie. After that, she fooled around with her 'best friend' Jake who is a goofy, emotionless, opinionless Mormon womanizer, after weeks of denying having any feelings for him. After lying to me for months, I found out about everything. I took the four-hour drive to drop her off at her college HEOP program in Canton, where she kissed me. We had been sleeping together (not sexually) for over a week before then, and I thought everything was going to be okay. We talked on the phone every night the first two weeks she was away. Within a few days of her being there, we both mutually discusses what we had to change and agreed we'd go back out and really try hard to make things work. She said she was still in love with me and wanted me to move to Canton so we could be close to each other. After two weeks, she started acting weird, distant, and treating me horribly again. Turns out, while I was four hours away thinking I had the girl I love back all to myself, she was actually just crushing on her Muslim math tutor who has hair as long as hers and near nothing in common with her. They are now dating, after Burgundy came home on August 5th and broke up with me a few days later, telling me she feels nothing for me anymore and that there was nothing I can do about it.
- The band I put my all into over the past three years broke up, with everyone in the band but Trevor against me, because apparently everyone would rather pursue banal, life-deflating college ambitions than doing something fun, free, and passionate, since touring in an unsigned experimental band just isn't financially comfortable enough for them.
- My best friend of the past few months, Trevor, moved to California on Sunday. I was originally supposed to go with him and we were both supposed to play in iamerror, but because Burgundy asked me back out, I backed out of the plans and lost my opporunity to leave with him a few days ago.
- My friend and roommate since February, Jason Edge, moved out in the middle of the night on the last day of July and hasn't spoken to me since. I tried leaving him MySpace comments, mostly to no avail, and it doesn't look like I'll ever be invited over to his new apartment, which is right around the corner from me and four times the amount of rent I was asking him when he was staying with me.
- My other friends, Allen and Solange, both hang out with Burgundy, which leaves me in an awkward position of never really wanting to be around them due to an immature feeling of betrayal and envy. Allen has decided to start talking to some of mine (and his) enemies out of pure desperation and that makes me want to see him even less. Solange played a huge role in how much Burgundy has changed and treated me over the past couple of months.
- My family does not exist. My mother is a manic-depressive, delusional alcoholic. My father is a manic-depressive pushover crack user. I will never be able to reply on them or trust them in any situation, and it kills me inside.
- One remaining friend lives in Altamont. Two remaining friends live in Cohoes. Two remaining friends live in Albany. One remaining friend has a child to take care of. Some other people I like live in other states, like Pennsylvania or Kansas or New York City.
- Oh, yeah: I'm still fat, ugly, and uninteresting. Girls are not attracted to me and I'll probably never experience an affectionate or sexual moment with another girl for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do with myself. I want to run, but there's nowhere to run.
I just want Burgundy and I to be friends, if that's all we can be. But she hates my guts apparently, and I have no fucking clue why, since I haven't done anything to her other than endure the torment of her moving on from me.
I want to be in a band that tours forever and doesn't worry about money.
I want friends who will care about me and incite laughter and fun into my internal organs.
I want petite scene girls with bold rimmed glasses, pigtails, pale skin, emaciated bodies, and freckles to be attracted to me.
I want to turn myself inside out so the beauty on the inside is all that's visible.
I want to live on the streets and trainhop to new, exciting, beautiful places that are far from this horrible city filled with symbols for either bad times or good times that will never be had again.
I can't stop dreaming about Burgundy and I kissing every night. I wish she never existed just so this part of her leaving me didn't have to happen.
I'm moving to California in six to seven months.
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daily_granola
aggravated
curious
restless
okay
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