Radial (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} talkjive) wrote in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} customers_suck,@ 2007-08-10 14:07:00 |
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You're new here, I know. Hush, baby, don't worry- I'll take care of you. You're scared and you've never done this before, and people've been filling you up with lies about me, but it will be alright. I'm very gentle with virgins. I'll only get... complicated when you ask me to. All you have to do, is do what I say, and I will make you the very best customer a sushi bar could ever possibly hope for.
1. I will start simple. I, and every other sushi-making person of my acquaintance, assume everyone coming through the door is as ignorant as a three month old beagle puppy from Ethiopia when it comes to sushi. And that's okay. Trust me, the first time I put on an apron, I knew fuck all as well! Even me! So I don't mind questions, not at all. I encourage them with rabid, slavering enthusiasm. I love questions like I love head, all Montagues, and Jet Li. So ask away! I'm not offended! Please just ask me questions instead of wandering away making retching noises because "sushi is all raw fish, ewwww". It isn't.
2. When I tell you to say it tem-PURR-uh, don't keep saying tem-PYUR-uh, as it makes me want to pyunch you in the fyace. Nye-jee-ree is also wrong. I mispronounced things too, but when I tell you the right way, say it the right way.
3. No, I do not have the menu of other sushi bars memorized! Fancy that! You cannot come into this bar and order things from another menu! You do not order a Big Mac at Wendy's, read the damn menu.
3 1/2. RTFM. Read the menu, people. It will save us both time if you don't keep ordering something we simply do not have. "Sorry, we don't have uni" means we don't have any goddamn uni, no matter how much you whine. (Uni, the gonads of a sea urchin, I warn you in advance, is fucking nasty. The one time we did have it, a woman yelled, "Oh my god, it tastes like semen!" and we got no more orders for it that night.)
4. Telling me they have it at X sushi bar does not help. "Certainly I will get it for you! I will leap upon my magic sushi pony and ride, ride to N Avenue and TAKE IT FROM THEM, nothing will stand in the way "... will never, ever happen.
5. So, the man behind the fish case you think is Japanese? Is from Vietnam. Through the magic of All Look Same To You People, a veritable tour of Asia has passed through my workplace, all, from Laotian to Korean, assumed Japanese. It's just a general good rule of life not to assume every Asian you meet is Japanese- especially when half of them are fifth generationers from places like Detroit- because if you do, you are eventually going to run into some angry fucking Koreans.
6. Don't assume the Asians make better sushi because rice is, somehow, genetically encoded. (He's from Vietnam. In the sushi world, he's a stranger here himself.) Don't demand he make your sushi, you ignorant fuck. And don't assume all the non-Asians are apprentices. My teacher was a tall gangly white guy from Pittsburgh who makes sushi like he was born in Kyoto to a rice cooker and a samurai.
7. Why would you sit at a sushi bar if you don't want to try sushi? Why would you sit at the sushi bar if fish scares you? Why would you take your enormous party, take up all the chairs, and spend the entire time giggling like a stoned My Little Pony at the sushi bar? The next time I hear "Oh my god you eat that? Oh my god like raw! That's disgusting! OH MY GOD, A TENTACLE!" I will cry like I dropped my ice cream cone. No one forced you to come here. Stop insulting my food and go eat oatmeal, you timid fuck. Only big kids get to play here.
Let it be said, I have no problem with people who don't like sushi. I have a problem with people who don't like sushi and come to a sushi bar to, I don't know, test themselves? You damn masochists, find a Top to hurt you so good, I'm tired of playing.
8. Do you see the jar that says tips? Yeah. That's not there because I need life advice.
9. Not really sucky, but vaguely puzzling, are the people who ask me to specifically exclude things that never appeared in their order anyway. The Roll with Only Tuna in It, please leave off all the crab and salmon, is akin to asking for your portion of lasagna not to have any peaches on it. Sure, but... what?
10. Please don't make out at my bar. Please. I don't want to see your tonsils anymore. What the fuck is so arousing about a fish case, anyway? Please come here for the fish, not the tuna.
11. I can hear you across the fish case, it isn't a magical barrier, and yes, thank you, Shawn was quite flattered you think his accent's cute.
12. Do not ever come into a restaurant at ten minutes to closing and order food. I would never sabotage an order, but allow me to say, it is certainly not made with love.
13. According the the law of de gustibus non disputandum est (which is Latin for "the shit you like is hardcore fucked up, Gustibus, but I'm too polite to ask if someone dropped you as a baby") I'll make you any roll I'm capable of making. Nevertheless, you impress no one by requesting seventeen special things, princess, and I have to wonder if tuna, cream cheese, and pineapple is your subtle way of saying "honey, I think we need an EPT".
14. For the love of god, your order will be up when it's made. On a Friday night with twenty tickets in the queue and more printing, you are going to wait a few minutes for your order. As we say in the industry, why you hate me? You no think I make good sushi?
15. I'm nice to you. Doesn't mean I want to fuck you. "Try the eel" isn't code for anything.
Thank you, and goodnight.
1. I will start simple. I, and every other sushi-making person of my acquaintance, assume everyone coming through the door is as ignorant as a three month old beagle puppy from Ethiopia when it comes to sushi. And that's okay. Trust me, the first time I put on an apron, I knew fuck all as well! Even me! So I don't mind questions, not at all. I encourage them with rabid, slavering enthusiasm. I love questions like I love head, all Montagues, and Jet Li. So ask away! I'm not offended! Please just ask me questions instead of wandering away making retching noises because "sushi is all raw fish, ewwww". It isn't.
2. When I tell you to say it tem-PURR-uh, don't keep saying tem-PYUR-uh, as it makes me want to pyunch you in the fyace. Nye-jee-ree is also wrong. I mispronounced things too, but when I tell you the right way, say it the right way.
3. No, I do not have the menu of other sushi bars memorized! Fancy that! You cannot come into this bar and order things from another menu! You do not order a Big Mac at Wendy's, read the damn menu.
3 1/2. RTFM. Read the menu, people. It will save us both time if you don't keep ordering something we simply do not have. "Sorry, we don't have uni" means we don't have any goddamn uni, no matter how much you whine. (Uni, the gonads of a sea urchin, I warn you in advance, is fucking nasty. The one time we did have it, a woman yelled, "Oh my god, it tastes like semen!" and we got no more orders for it that night.)
4. Telling me they have it at X sushi bar does not help. "Certainly I will get it for you! I will leap upon my magic sushi pony and ride, ride to N Avenue and TAKE IT FROM THEM, nothing will stand in the way "... will never, ever happen.
5. So, the man behind the fish case you think is Japanese? Is from Vietnam. Through the magic of All Look Same To You People, a veritable tour of Asia has passed through my workplace, all, from Laotian to Korean, assumed Japanese. It's just a general good rule of life not to assume every Asian you meet is Japanese- especially when half of them are fifth generationers from places like Detroit- because if you do, you are eventually going to run into some angry fucking Koreans.
6. Don't assume the Asians make better sushi because rice is, somehow, genetically encoded. (He's from Vietnam. In the sushi world, he's a stranger here himself.) Don't demand he make your sushi, you ignorant fuck. And don't assume all the non-Asians are apprentices. My teacher was a tall gangly white guy from Pittsburgh who makes sushi like he was born in Kyoto to a rice cooker and a samurai.
7. Why would you sit at a sushi bar if you don't want to try sushi? Why would you sit at the sushi bar if fish scares you? Why would you take your enormous party, take up all the chairs, and spend the entire time giggling like a stoned My Little Pony at the sushi bar? The next time I hear "Oh my god you eat that? Oh my god like raw! That's disgusting! OH MY GOD, A TENTACLE!" I will cry like I dropped my ice cream cone. No one forced you to come here. Stop insulting my food and go eat oatmeal, you timid fuck. Only big kids get to play here.
Let it be said, I have no problem with people who don't like sushi. I have a problem with people who don't like sushi and come to a sushi bar to, I don't know, test themselves? You damn masochists, find a Top to hurt you so good, I'm tired of playing.
8. Do you see the jar that says tips? Yeah. That's not there because I need life advice.
9. Not really sucky, but vaguely puzzling, are the people who ask me to specifically exclude things that never appeared in their order anyway. The Roll with Only Tuna in It, please leave off all the crab and salmon, is akin to asking for your portion of lasagna not to have any peaches on it. Sure, but... what?
10. Please don't make out at my bar. Please. I don't want to see your tonsils anymore. What the fuck is so arousing about a fish case, anyway? Please come here for the fish, not the tuna.
11. I can hear you across the fish case, it isn't a magical barrier, and yes, thank you, Shawn was quite flattered you think his accent's cute.
12. Do not ever come into a restaurant at ten minutes to closing and order food. I would never sabotage an order, but allow me to say, it is certainly not made with love.
13. According the the law of de gustibus non disputandum est (which is Latin for "the shit you like is hardcore fucked up, Gustibus, but I'm too polite to ask if someone dropped you as a baby") I'll make you any roll I'm capable of making. Nevertheless, you impress no one by requesting seventeen special things, princess, and I have to wonder if tuna, cream cheese, and pineapple is your subtle way of saying "honey, I think we need an EPT".
14. For the love of god, your order will be up when it's made. On a Friday night with twenty tickets in the queue and more printing, you are going to wait a few minutes for your order. As we say in the industry, why you hate me? You no think I make good sushi?
15. I'm nice to you. Doesn't mean I want to fuck you. "Try the eel" isn't code for anything.
Thank you, and goodnight.
