customers_suck: Open letters to my customers

Titanius Anglesmith, Fancy Man Of Cornwood (

isilrandir) wrote in

customers_suck,
@ 2005-09-23 15:37:00

Current mood:	amused
Current music:	Dresden Dolls

Open letters to my customers

Dear Sluts-In-Training,

You do not need a zillion Playboy Bunny accessories. No one needs a zillion Playboy Bunny accessories. Unless you long to be a lust object for horny adolescents, engage in meaningless premarital sex, get knocked up by your fifteenth birthday, and go to seed before you even reach seventeen, then you should turn your back on the Playboy Bunny. If, however, that is your ultimate goal in life, please. Be my guest. Buy all you want and get it the hell out of my store.

Creeped Out,
Me

Dear "Punk" Kids,

Get the hell away from my bands.

I know you think listening to Green Day makes you cool. I know you think it makes you punk, and that being punk makes you better than everyone else. Let me tell you something, though. PUNK IS DEAD. Punk died many moons ago and I don't care how many Ramones shirts you buy at Hot Topic, you will never be punk. Never. I was listening to Green Day before it was cool and I will still be listening to them long after you've moved on to your next fleeting obsession.

By the way, Boulevard of Broken Dreams is a shitty song. Get over it.

Hating You,
Me

Dear Hipster Fucks,

The only people who think you are cool are the other hipster fucks. No one wants to be like you. No one aspires to your level of awesome. No one cares. NO ONE.

Annoyed As Crap,
Me

Dear Sorostitutes,

Quit bathing in perfume. Quit asking me stupid questions. You know your alphabet; haul your unneccessarily sparkly ass over to the CDs and look for your stupid Pussycat Whores CD on your fucking own. Then please jam your overly manicured nails right into your heavily lined eyes and get the fuck out of my store. Thank you.

Rapidly Running Out Of Patience,
Me

Dear Hippies,

Quit fucking wearing patchouli into my store. Do you know how long it takes for that stench to dissipate? Also, no one thinks you're deep. Go smoke some pot and listen to your idiotic, pretentious bullshit music and leave me alone.

Holding My Nose,
Me

Dear Rap Kids,

If it's not too much trouble, can you maybe not sample every single CD in the section and then leave them all piled up by the LVS in a perilously teetering tower? Huh? Can you do that for me, you ungrateful little bastards?

Wishing You'd Never Been Born,
Me

Dear Sad Alternakids,

Kurt Cobain has been dead for a million years now. You need to get over it. He was not Jesus, he was not an amazingly talented musician tragically cut down in his prime, and he certainly was not murdered by a conspiracy who feared to let him spread the power of his shit, unintelligable music across the globe.

Nirvana was an okay band. They had a few good songs, they had a few bad songs. Most of their songs were just plain okay. There is nothing misunderstood or genius about them. Grunge was a stupid, shitty movement that produced maybe three good bands.

The best thing to come out of Nirvana was Dave Grohl. Get over it.

Rolling My Eyes Till I Sprain Them,
Me

Dear "Metal" Kids,

What is with you guys and your stupid shitty death metal? You do realize that a bunch of D&D geeks wailing on their poor helpless instruments and shrieking like Cookie Monster with a painful hernia does not make good music, right? I mean, you're not actually deluding yourself into thinking that these guys are actual musicians, are you? Because I, who have only once touched an electric guitar in my entire life, even I could do better than they can.

Quit buying their shitty fucking CDs. You're only encouraging them.

Earplugs Ahoy,
Me

Dear Inarticulate Bastards,

I am here to help you. It is what I get paid to do, what I have resigned myself to. I take comfort in the fact that I will not be doing this for the rest of my life, and so I attempt to do my best and find what you want with a smile. However, when you come up to me and mumble something that sounds like "alsdknafld", it is very difficult for me to discern exactly what you want me to fetch for you.

Please, remove the cock from your mouth and then ask me questions. It will make life so much easier on both of us.

Wondering How You Hold Conversations,
Me

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(Post a new comment)

	farklebarkle 2005-09-23 07:45 pm UTC (link)
	OK, so who CAN we like? :P (Reply to this) (Thread)

	isilrandir 2005-09-23 07:46 pm UTC (link)
	No one! NO ONE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! grinds music out under my heel (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	kimera 2005-09-23 07:56 pm UTC (link)
	On the one hand, teenyboppers listening to Green Day makes me sad. On the other hand, the very first CD that my preteen self bought at the tender age of eleven was a Green Day album. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	isilrandir 2005-09-23 08:15 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah, it's kind of a conundrum, isn't it? I want to hate them for listening to Green Day, but I totally can't because I used to be them. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	soberloki 2005-09-23 07:56 pm UTC (link)
	WAAAAAHHHHHH!! But I'm 32 and I like Evanescence! What should I do? snicker (Reply to this) (Thread)

	shortypenguin 2005-09-23 07:58 pm UTC (link)
	BWAHAHAHHA!!! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	kearny 2005-09-23 07:59 pm UTC (link)
	We all know Courtney killed him. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	katsuyakaiba 2005-09-23 08:42 pm UTC (link)
	Oh man.....My brother used to be heavily into the Kurt Cobain, dressed like him, had all the CDs......then he became one of those White Kids who think/wish they're black... I will never get the white kids that act like they're black. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	momo_kun 2005-09-23 08:03 pm UTC (link)
	Boulevard of Broken Dreams....worst song evah. I can agree with the metal statement though...I am a D&D geek who likes the yelling~ grin (Reply to this) (Thread)

	sphynxlike 2005-09-23 08:22 pm UTC (link)
	By the way, Boulevard of Broken Dreams is a shitty song. Get over it. Agreed. It doesn't even sound like Green day to me. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	cosmorific 2005-09-23 08:08 pm UTC (link)
	By the way, Boulevard of Broken Dreams is a shitty song. THANK you. (Reply to this)

	aero82 2005-09-23 08:12 pm UTC (link)
	Great post. Hipsters make me want to throw things. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	isilrandir 2005-09-23 08:17 pm UTC (link)
	LOVE your icon. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	neaira 2005-09-23 08:15 pm UTC (link)
	What exactly is a hipster? goes back to listening to the same bands she's been listening to since she can remember (Reply to this) (Thread)

	isilrandir 2005-09-23 08:19 pm UTC (link)
	From Urban Dictionary: 1. the next step in evoluton from emo 2. twenty-something stroketard whose style of clothing conflicts with their demeanor, thus resulting in a spicy psudeo-intellectual with more flavor-of-the-month conversations than a long island prostitute. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	dbaxdevilsfan 2005-09-23 08:22 pm UTC (link)
	By the way, Boulevard of Broken Dreams is a shitty song. Get over it. Not to mention way to fuckin' overplayed. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	imnotsatan 2005-09-23 09:01 pm UTC (link)
	God, yes. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	allied_biscuit 2005-09-23 08:23 pm UTC (link)
	What is with you guys and your stupid shitty death metal? You do realize that a bunch of D&D geeks wailing on their poor helpless instruments and shrieking like Cookie Monster with a painful hernia does not make good music, right? That so needs to be metaquoted. Someone less lazy than I should do it. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	dbaxdevilsfan 2005-09-23 08:50 pm UTC (link)
	done. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	bpcslave 2005-09-23 08:25 pm UTC (link)
	I think the Metal opening requires a MQ, personally. (Reply to this)

	puredeadthingy 2005-09-23 08:33 pm UTC (link)
	Whenever I hear 'Boulevard Of Broken Dreams', all I have to do is even look slightly like I'm going to say 'Harken! Tis the Boulevard Of Overplayed Songs!' and I get several hands put over my mouth. (Reply to this)

	sexychicken 2005-09-23 08:37 pm UTC (link)
	You're my hero. (Reply to this)

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	dbaxdevilsfan 2005-09-23 08:51 pm UTC (link)
	(Reply to this) (Thread)

	pope_guilty 2005-09-23 08:52 pm UTC (link)
	I notice no hate for the Sisters of Mercy or Bauhaus. Do the goth kids not come to the store? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	dbaxdevilsfan 2005-09-23 08:56 pm UTC (link)
	Wow.....Bauhaus......there's a band I've been listening to since before half these goth kids were born. (I started listening to them in the early to mid 80s) (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	.... emptyobsidian 2005-09-23 08:57 pm UTC (link)
	I love you. Except you would probably hate my music taste. :D (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: .... isilrandir 2005-09-24 02:04 am UTC (link)
	Aww, I don't hate people who like music I consider bad. Unless they're annoying and holier-than-thou about it. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	wring 2005-09-23 08:59 pm UTC (link)
	ew, dave grohl? please. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	gypsyariana 2005-09-23 09:06 pm UTC (link)
	You do realize that a bunch of D&D geeks wailing on their poor helpless instruments and shrieking like Cookie Monster with a painful hernia does not make good music, right? Someone else who calls them Cookie Monster bands. Woot!!! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	sarbah77 2005-09-23 10:09 pm UTC (link)
	Even most death metal fans call 'em cookie metal vocals. ;) (Reply to this) (Parent)

	jenniflirt 2005-09-23 09:09 pm UTC (link)
	So here is a questions, what types of music do you like to listen to? and how come you didn't mention country music lovers in your tirade? ;O) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	breshef 2005-09-23 10:00 pm UTC (link)
	Its because us country music lovers are usually curtious and kind and such, saying yes 'mam and no sir, and please and thank-you. We don't listen to the rageish songs, therfore retroactivly there is not so much of the rageishness flowing through us. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)